Last Day in the Job

Well after two years of graft and many highs and lows (more highs than lows) today is the last day I'm doing anything officially for Doddle and we will close down operations until times may allow us to dust off the idea and move it on a bit further.  Trying to raise capital in the worst economic downturn since the Second World War and some say the great Depression of the 30s is like trying to push water uphill - it just isn't going to happen and with such a big idea and its scale and ambition and therefore some inherent risks, we aren't going to get anywhere against the tide especially as the markets wont bear it currently,


The door will be left open and there are some alternatives that we will explore but for now, a rest and a period of reflection are needed.  Of course it is a shame and of course it is disappointing but neither of us are that upset about it because we kept it real throughout realising that this may well be the outcome of our efforts.


The good things are that we have learnt an awful lot about business across all disciplines and added to our existing portfolio of skills.  Both of us talk a different sort of language now and we've had and held our own in discussions with some of the top lawyers and investors in the world and they've been very receptive and most complimentary about our approach, preparedness and the idea itself.  From these people has also come the necessary reassurance that we had done everything possible to realise our ambitions.


So, no regrets about 2 years apart from, I suppose, not getting any revenue or money out of it of course :-)  Money isn't everything but with a wife and two children at University it was a challenge.  The challenge now isn't to jump from here into anything that I will regret doing.  I'm now preparing myself for whatever will happen with Dad, my forthcoming Installation as Master of my Lodge and then to take a break, try and do nothing on this damn computer and perhaps potter around the house and do some maintenance and I might, if I feel like it, tackle the bathroom or at least do as much of the preparation work ready for the plumbers to come and do the final bits.  There's work in the garden to do and the outside of the house has taken a battering with all the wind and rain and the ice damage to the render so they can be fixed too.


I have started a complex series of mindmaps that are helping me to sort out my priorities and needs and wants and to filter jobs and career choices etc.  I find it really useful to organise my thoughts in this way and to then analyse these things.  I need the break to allow these ideas, needs and wants to settle themselves down a bit and to take shape.  I really like the idea of using my history and research skills and my analysis work to take up some sort of genealogical and records based research work but again, will it pay the bills and can I make it work and pay?  I'm sure that I probably can but I need to go and take the "reality pills" and that is what the break is there to do.  I was really interested in running an old fashioned tea room in the country as a life style choice but once again it sounds lovely but is it?  This would require selling up here, buying somewhere and making a real go of it but other things suffer too when that is done.  What if you get there and hate it - then what do you do?


So that's where we are today, I think that we did an amazing job in the past 2 years building the business and getting to where we are, we were pretty thorough and knew where we were all along by keeping it real.  I was annoyed that only half of the team made it to the end, two dropping out very early on which doubled the time it took for us to get here - we should have been finished in a year but the resources messed us up.   It would be interesting if I could work out how to re-brand myself with all that experience, bottle it up, market it and sell it, it has to be valuable to anyone starting up but you would have had to have taken the journey thus far to have realised it :-)

Diet Shot so Suspended

Only for the remainder of the week as I was out Wednesday and then yesterday got my business partner drop in and we went out for lunch and I pretty much decided that I'd have a few beers and it was nice to go talk about things in general and spend a few hours chatting about my dad, business, life and absurdity in general.  


Once again this morning I just don't really feel like eating at all and I've noticed this whenever I go off diet for a day that they next day I just don't want to eat anything at all and even at lunchtime I will force some food down.  I just don't feel hungry at the moment and so I think the best thing to do especially as I am out tonight and tomorrow (even though that is official cheat day) is to suspend the diet although I tend to continue to eat the foods in the diet though but in reality it's broken for the remainder of this week.


Dad continues to be tested and they got him into a chair and said he is very weak and cannot stand on his own - "NO SHIT SHERLOCK!" what are these people on we know that, it's what we told you and part of the reason he is there.  Sometimes you despair when they replay to you exactly what you told them when he was admitted.  There's no way my mum can lift him and look after him and there will be an interesting set of conversations later today about whether he will be able to come home because the house isn't set up for a "disabled" regime, the doors and the small corridor are difficult to negotiation with a wheel chair.  So we will see what they will do.  Dad's blood sugars are all over the place which means the Pancreas is in a pretty bad way now and they are using insulin injections to try and balance him out.


I've said I will come up next week but mum's not sure when he will get out of hospital.  I fear to suggest that it will be highly unlikely that it will be any time soon unless there is some way of getting home assistance for him and even then is highly unlikely they will let him home as he is now.  Who knows what will actually happen.  Hopefully there will be some sort of beginning today of some course of action plan that will allow everyone to start to get to understand what the future may hold.  I have my own ideas about it and it really is a matter of whether he can be stabilised and be in a situation to return home.  In reality, you don't tend to get fitter when you have this sort of cancer and the additional problems he has with diabetes and next to no strength.  

Well mum sounds a lot better

Finally mum got a good nights sleep even though it was 6 hours with a short interruption and the caring and professional staff at the hospital have made her a little more relaxed about dad being there.  It's the right thing to do, he can't really support himself and she's put her back out trying to lift him around.  Today they will check dad's brain with a scan, mum doesn't want the cancer to have spread there but perhaps it has but not sure if that is actually what is wrong but we will wait and see.


The main thing is that he is in a hospital with 24x7 support from professionals who can administer pain killers and help him as best as possible.  I have no doubt that they will get to the bottom of what is wrong but I doubt that anyone actually wants to hear what it is.  There's some very useful information on the Macmillan pages about end of life and what to expect and I'm sure that we are entering that phase and that none of us are going to like what we hear later today and perhaps tomorrow.  Not eating and sleeping a lot are some indicators but of course, now he is finally off the steroid drugs (what were they thinking) it may be that but let's wait and see.


The main thing is that mum is at home and busy catching up on loads of things she has been wanting to do and dad is in good hands and in the right place.  We will see later on what it means to us all especially him.

Ewww Too Much Information

Not sure I needed to know about Dad's "movements" however, now I know, have looked it up and it isn't at all good news.  At the end of the day, who am I kidding?  It's really bad news and he's on the cusp of moving into the next phase and there's nothing any of us can do to change it.  I just want to clear the decks here and I'll go up there and get myself in place for whatever comes next.


I have to admit to being a tiny bit emotional tonight but then I have had a drink (or two) and actually managed to have a good evening I think at least I had a few beers and an Indian meal - sure I broke my diet but there wasn't much chance of not doing that.  I'm annoyed but realised that I was going for a bit of a burn out.  I actually need to vent some fury at what my dad is going through.  The issue of it all being that I see him suffering and realise how it could well be me, it's agony for him and it's like sticking hot needles into me, all I see is him suffering when he shouldn't have that after all he did for us, it's unjust and not warranted, it hurts all who love him and everyone around him.  How cruel nature (or is it God) is to do this to people.


I listened to a talk the other day about how we aren't really meant to live beyond about 35 years old and this is why we have Cancers and other problems like Dementia and Alzheimer's.  We aren't programmed to live this long - period.  So we live longer and catch nasty things like Cancer, are more susceptible to Diabetes and so on.  I do hate the way that it is gradually killing my dad and didn't just be as certain as a heart attack or something that would have been short and over and done with.  To toy with someone with a great mind is too cruel for words.   Does a just God do that to their people?  I wonder.  I need to go have the time to myself to go and work that out I think.  I find it a difficult scenario where what happens to people could possibly be considered the act of someone compassionate and caring.  If you see the anguish it brings not only to the sufferer but also to those around them it isn't compassionate or caring at all, it's downright nasty.    


So I will leave you with this that I am listening to right now.  One of my fav bands, Camel and from the concept Album Dust and Dream (about the Great American Depression and the Dust Bowl Drought).  It's a really interesting piece of music.  In fact, see if you can pick up the whole album at some time especially "Go West" which is another fab piece of music.




Somehow I am drawn to this at these troubled times, I know not why.....

Yuk Bollocks etc

Bloody phone packed up half way through the night - only charged it in the morning - what the hell is going on?  So worried that I had no news from home and arrived back and set on to power up and no message, no email, in fact nothing except from my Uncle.  In fact a message just arrived.  Dad is having a brain scan tomorrow (well later today).  Interesting times.  Not sure what is going on at the moment but, dare I say, in my eyes we are entering the home straight now and I just need to get myself prepared for this as I will need all my strength and resolve to hold the rest of the family together.  


I know that my brother will be in pieces as he is very close to my dad living 5 minutes from them for years and years.  Mum will be exhausted and we will just have to make the most of it.  I can be an arse like this and whilst people hate me for it, someone has to do the "hard man" through the tough bit.  I imagine later I'll be in bits but that can wait really, wait until I get to be on my own.

Hospital it is then

At least there is one thing about going to hospital, dad will be able to have 24x7 care and let's hope they can relieve the pain he has.  Now quite disorientated and confused the doctor wants to know if it is the Cancer, the whack on the head or the strained muscles that are doing this.  Probably a combination of the 3 I'm guessing.


So I now need to hear what that will all mean to mum and the family.  Hopefully mum will get a bit of rest and be able to be less on edge.  Looking after someone who you've lived and loved for 56 years must take a hell of a strain.  I feel pretty helpless but what can I do other than a bit of support.  I have today started to feel a bit upset about things - I have no idea how it will take me at all, the nearer we get the worse I feel.  It's not that I don't care BTW it is just the way I'm made.


Anyway, I will go out and meet some friends tonight as planned and see what they have to say, hopefully they will cheer me up or allow me to cheer them up which will mysteriously cheer me up too.  

Who is right?

Crack of Sparrows call from my brother.  Difficult to know what to make of it other than he wants me up there.  If I had been already then what?  As I asked him, "What exactly were you thinking I might do?"  That's the problem as I said to him if I'd already been up there and done the supportive bit etc. then what?  It's chicken and egg of the worst possible kind.


Then there's the other bit of once I'm up there is it just a day there and back or is it two or three days at a time?  It is just difficult to tell and next week is easier to move things around than this week and some would say you should go forget it  but just what is the right thing to do?  


I shall try and get some sort of answer out of my mum when I speak to her.  In a way, after that, I will at least be able to put some sense to it.  Again, it isn't a lot of use me just sitting up there getting in the way either.  What to do? What to do?


I guess it will play out one way or another.

Trying to work out what to do next

It is interesting as today I saw a few jobs and thought, they look good but a little later retreated from them as I thought a bit more about them.  Here's the problem and it will always be a problem for me.  I really enjoy the sorts of things I've been doing for the last 10 years or so and I've learnt so much in the past few years that I can now talk with some authority about business, finance, customer and competitive research, business planning, risks, issues and contingencies and a whole host of other things.  That experience is a marketable commodity in my eyes and I'm not sure whether I should set my sights lower unless it is for a job in the Third Sector which I would certainly consider would be lower rewarded in terms of money but would be a higher reward in terms of philanthropic pursuits.


I think that after this week is over and done with I will take a short breather, enough time to just work out what to do and to clear my office of the last 2 years of paperwork and just archive all of that.  I can then file away the business stuff and clear the decks getting myself organised properly to start to think clearly.


Horrible as it sounds, I somehow need to understand dad's situation and to come to terms with that and to work out my reaction to it for at the moment I feel something but I don't feel what I thought I should.  In fact it is a lot like having Cancer as what you think you should feel like is very different to how you do feel.  Strange but true.  I have a number of things I must sit down and sort out including some accounts and odds and ends of paperwork.  I'm going to go and see the local history society in a few weeks too as they meet on a Friday and go have a chat with then and see what gives there.  


I'm considering what to do with the family history business and also some of the more interesting ideas I've got and when someone I know comes back from holiday I will go and see him and work on some business ideas that I had that he seems interested in.  I wonder if my future lies in providing that level of advice and consulting in short bursts to business people who wouldn't necessarily have my sort of expertise?  Who knows.

What does that mean?

Doctor been and sorted out some of the symptoms dad is having, giving heavier pain killers but bloods and blood pressure seem to be normalising and he is eating again.  However, the problem is that it is like all these things, we don't know actually what it is that is doing this, the fall, the cancer or the steroids which he shouldn't have had that he is almost finally weaned off.


I'm just on standby and as soon as I hear anything then I will need to spring into action. 

End of Life

Either I'm a cold fish or perhaps I just look at things differently to most.  I hate the idea of my dad suffering away there and just getting no quality of life and without doubt the surgeons extended his life as I originally didn't see him making it past Christmas.  He's very strong (or was) and has had some extra time but in all honesty - it isn't him and it isn't a good way (is there ever) for things to work out but I guess we don't get to choose and we don't know when, where etc.


I have to admit to being in a strange place but then again we are shutting down (or putting the shutters over) our business this week and the girls are in exams or final projects and so timing isn't great but once again you can't choose that either.  I have no idea if you get a certain way along and then consciously make up your mind that you've had enough and give up.  


My limited brushes with the subject came when I had my feinting episode and got taken to St. Thomas's Hospital (about the best place) and had all that good stuff and 5 days of tests - I wouldn't go to sleep in case I didn't wake up - my children were very young then too - terrifying time but after that - things were OK and then, of course, Bladder Cancer and for some weeks I was wrestling with the arguments around what would happen - remember the staging wasn't known and I had to wait for tests and diagnosis so for 3 weeks I was waiting and then a few weeks more to find out.  Then it was noted as being a pretty nasty one.  When asked did I think I was going to die?  I have no hesitation to say that I really did think that at first.  


We all have to die, we don't like the idea, we don't discuss it much and we sort of brush it under the carpet a bit.  We don't know how to deal with each other and that's everyone, talking to the dying, talking to relatives of the dying etc.  We are very concious that we might offend or be indelicate.  I'm not really indelicate (I think) but I am a realist, this is going to happen and everyone is going to be very upset about it and it is going to be a horrible time for us all but we just have to deal with it and move on.  There's nothing in our power we can do to stop it and we just need to brush ourselves down and make the best of it and adjust.  I'll hate it because I don't like seeing people upset, not since I've been ill have I been able to cope with it and yet before, it would not have been a problem.  Either I've learnt compassion or as I suspect, there have been some interesting chemical changes in my body and some easing of the cells in my brain :-)


I'm not looking forward to this next stage either (who would) especially as I'm far away and reacting to any change in circumstances is going to be difficult.  Some people have told me that they regretted not being there "at the end" and I'm not sure if it is possible for that to happen, how would you be able to judge that and how could you possibly be there unless it is some sort of vigil and you get sufficient warning.  Some said they left their loved ones in seemingly good health and spirits to get home and find out that they had died.  


Things will take their course and I just hope that when they do it will be peaceful and pain free.  If I am there, then so be it but if not, well circumstances and timing would have been different that's all.

Short Hold

Whilst I wait to hear what the Doctor has to say tomorrow.  Dad has started eating again today which is good - he was only pecking at stuff because of the pain and has been sleeping a lot too.  The pain killers appear to make him want to sleep and I suppose that is no bad thing.   


I'll get a call from my mum tomorrow afternoon and can then make my mind up on what to do about things.  All my commitments are on alert now that I may not make them (that's this Friday and Saturday).  Anyway - let's see what happens tomorrow.

Strange Feelings

Strange indeed.  Not sure how I feel at the moment.   It's obviously not a good time at the moment and Dad's been going through the mill of it with falling over, tablets that perhaps he shouldn't have had and a whole range of things going on. 


Whether or not things are as bad as my brother says I will try and find out tomorrow from my mum and make a decision on what to do.  The distance is a problem as it always was going to be and that doesn't help me.  My brother's suggestion of driving there and back in day when faced with a trip around the M25 and M11 and back entailing a minimum of 5 hours if not 6 hours driving doesn't exactly fit my best things to do in a day criteria - if I have to I have to but it isn't as if it is something that I enjoy doing as a day trip.


I'm in a strange place I have to say - strange in as much as before I spoke to my brother I knew dad was poorly but not quite as poorly as he said so that has disturbed me.  The description he gave sounds, to me, like things have deteriorated in a few hours since I'd spoken to my mum and if that is the case then when I speak to her later today (now) I can see what I will need to do.   


I still feel quite remote from what is going on and a little less emotional than I thought I perhaps should although I did feel pretty disturbed with what my brother told me.  I'm expecting that tomorrow isn't going to be good news and so better prepare myself for that.

That's a phone call I'd rather not have had

Phone call with mum wasn't good and brother and sister in law were called in early to assist move my dad who is in a lot of pain with this tear across his chest.  My brother then called me to sort of say dad's really getting very frail, grey and his chest is beginning to rattle and he isn't eating much and maybe I ought to come up this week.


I probably will have to do that but will wait until I hear what happens in the morning as mum is ringing the doctor and in a way that will determine a course of action for her, my dad and inevitably for me.


I'm going to set some scenes with a few people as a "just in case" as I had some plans this week but might have to change those based on what transpires.


My brother is a little prone to excitability in these sorts of circumstances but I think he has a point this time.

Sunday Struggles

The diet starts again on Sunday and I struggle with it.  Not with wanting to get back on to it but with starting to eat again!  I have to force food down first thing in the morning as I really don't want to eat anything.  I'm so stuffed from cheat day that I really don't want to be looking at any more food.


This coming week may once again be difficult as I have a meal out (possible) and a meeting and a meal on Friday so possibly two days where the diet might get broken.  So far I've been pretty good but of course sometimes you cannot help but eat things that afterwards you find out you perhaps shouldn't.  Sausages are fine and I had some on Wednesday and they were great - a bowlful of small cocktail ones with mustard but what else?  Damn, Honey - so that would have spiked things for me, had I worked that out before hand I would have requested them plain.  


A friend is a Vegan and I offered him my roll last night and he said he couldn't as he didn't know the ingredients - it must be very difficult for him when he goes out, he even wears non -animal suits and shoes etc - try working that out.  It must be very difficult for him not to come into contact with something that has touched an animal or was derived from one.


But I digress.  I will need to be careful of what arrives on my plate in future but also be aware that sometimes you cannot always be certain.

Poor old dad (update)

Once again he is bed bound and very poorly, very sore and can barely move after having pulled the "gristle" around his breast bone and ribs.  It even sounds sore writing it.  He can barely move at the moment and so is feeling very miserable indeed.  


You can only imagine what it is like and can only really offer sympathy and just feel for him - what else can you possibly do?  


I'm off to a Lodge meeting this afternoon and the sun is out for the first time in what feels like months :-)  Let's hope it isn't too warm in the meeting or at the meal afterwards.


Today is cheat day and so that does mean I can have a few beers and that I can also have whatever food is stuck in front of me too.  I've been pretty good this morning only consuming a few bags of sweets and some milky, sweetened coffee.  Perhaps some toasted cheese at lunch and then whatever we will have this afternoon will suffice.  I certainly don't want to be feeling quite as bad as I did last Sunday when I didn't want to face breakfast.

Poor old dad

Poor fella is going through the wars, was very sore this morning after his fall and so now is on some strongish pain killers - as if he didn't have enough tablets to take!  


Hopefully this will give him a little short term respite from the pain and also now he is being weaned off the tablets they gave him to help him that actually didn't let's hope he can have a less eventful time.  Of course, he is just going to continue getting weaker and weaker and continue the downward spiral.  All we and the professionals can do is make him comfortable.  


The hell of this is that he is aware (most of the time) of what is going on.  

Piano Tuned

The Technician turned up today and did his best and managed to tune the piano a bit and so I have an in tune piano albeit a note and a half lower than it should be.  We have a plan now to start to play it and to get the Technician back in 4 months and gradually move that out to 6 months.   He reckons we could get it back into pitch in a few years but it needs to be worked on to make that happen.  The old piano is a wee bit too far gone to do much with and I need to chase up the new owners and see when they are coming as it needs to be hydrated.


Anyhow, piano available and in tune so I had a very brief play of it earlier and looking forward to perhaps digging out my books and starting to learn my chords again.  It would be nice to have that sort of skill.  Maybe I could get a tutor but who knows - I suppose I ought to get a paying job first on that one.


I was very concerned I was heading into a depressive state earlier today - before I heard my dad's news - but seem to have dragged myself out of that.  I'm also going to take myself off to bed now and attempt to get to sleep without head going 90 to the dozen. 

The Missed Phone Call

I dread getting a call from my brother and today I missed a call from him but couldn't contact him so left a voice message.  He then texted me saying that Dad had fallen over and was a bit the worse for wear.


I only spoke to my mum earlier today and she was fine and the doctor had been in and he came straight back very quickly when she rang him - which is good - I doubt he'd have wanted to go to hospital.  Doctor and Hospital appear to have "had words" about medication he is on and doctor is annoyed that said meds are making him diabetic and if things go on like this he will need Insulin not just the odd tablet.  


Things have been bad these past few weeks.  The trouble is that he isn't getting the most out of his food and the meds were to help him break that down and gain benefit.  The side effect is that they are making him more ill in another area.


My brother tells me dad is looking quite grey and drawn now - he was when I saw him.  I'll call in the morning and see what's going on.


Interestingly I bumped into a few guys tonight who haven't seen me for around 4 or 5 years.  They said how well I looked and that I'd put on weight and so on.  It was funny as one of them told me how ill I actually looked.  Now, I never ever felt I looked ill - drawn perhaps but not that bad but a look back at some photos and listening to a number of people now perhaps I did look rough.  Always nice to hear that I look that much better.

Definitely a bit down today

Down a notch or two in terms of my usual demeanour but only to be expected with dad not exactly right and given that we are wrapping up the business.  Two years is a long time to have spent on pursuing it and whilst we would like to have gotten somewhere realise that it isn't always possible to bring something quite as radical to market as this.


No matter how you prepare yourself for these eventualities and no matter how you think you will react, there's some sort of switch inside that makes things appear far worse.  So today I'm battling that general feeling of being "down" and not really my cheery and happy self.  


Had a horrendous dream last night, completely apocalyptic, everyone was infected with an incurable virus and were dying all over the place.   Woke up from that one gladly I can tell you.  


Off out again to London later and hope that I'll be a little more cheerful than I am now. 

Funny Day

Not sure how I ended up paying for it though but I did!  Ho hum.  Interesting conversations and discussions with some of the (now) ex team members.  I don't feel too bad although I should,  Given the amount of alcohol consumed!


Anyway - have got a little further forward and also a little further back all at the same time.  Sudden'y, now, everyone has bright ideas.....  Where were they 6 months ago?


Not quite so morbid and down in the dumps now but perhaps overnight that will change!? :-)