Either I'm a cold fish or perhaps I just look at things differently to most. I hate the idea of my dad suffering away there and just getting no quality of life and without doubt the surgeons extended his life as I originally didn't see him making it past Christmas. He's very strong (or was) and has had some extra time but in all honesty - it isn't him and it isn't a good way (is there ever) for things to work out but I guess we don't get to choose and we don't know when, where etc.
I have to admit to being in a strange place but then again we are shutting down (or putting the shutters over) our business this week and the girls are in exams or final projects and so timing isn't great but once again you can't choose that either. I have no idea if you get a certain way along and then consciously make up your mind that you've had enough and give up.
My limited brushes with the subject came when I had my feinting episode and got taken to St. Thomas's Hospital (about the best place) and had all that good stuff and 5 days of tests - I wouldn't go to sleep in case I didn't wake up - my children were very young then too - terrifying time but after that - things were OK and then, of course, Bladder Cancer and for some weeks I was wrestling with the arguments around what would happen - remember the staging wasn't known and I had to wait for tests and diagnosis so for 3 weeks I was waiting and then a few weeks more to find out. Then it was noted as being a pretty nasty one. When asked did I think I was going to die? I have no hesitation to say that I really did think that at first.
We all have to die, we don't like the idea, we don't discuss it much and we sort of brush it under the carpet a bit. We don't know how to deal with each other and that's everyone, talking to the dying, talking to relatives of the dying etc. We are very concious that we might offend or be indelicate. I'm not really indelicate (I think) but I am a realist, this is going to happen and everyone is going to be very upset about it and it is going to be a horrible time for us all but we just have to deal with it and move on. There's nothing in our power we can do to stop it and we just need to brush ourselves down and make the best of it and adjust. I'll hate it because I don't like seeing people upset, not since I've been ill have I been able to cope with it and yet before, it would not have been a problem. Either I've learnt compassion or as I suspect, there have been some interesting chemical changes in my body and some easing of the cells in my brain :-)
I'm not looking forward to this next stage either (who would) especially as I'm far away and reacting to any change in circumstances is going to be difficult. Some people have told me that they regretted not being there "at the end" and I'm not sure if it is possible for that to happen, how would you be able to judge that and how could you possibly be there unless it is some sort of vigil and you get sufficient warning. Some said they left their loved ones in seemingly good health and spirits to get home and find out that they had died.
Things will take their course and I just hope that when they do it will be peaceful and pain free. If I am there, then so be it but if not, well circumstances and timing would have been different that's all.
No comments:
Post a Comment