Walk Forwards, Don't Look Back...

Not sure if that is right or not?  It's a thing I have difficultly doing anyway but there's a good point here about you can learn from what's happened but you mustn't dwell on things that perhaps you regret.  These things have happened and they are in the past and as much as you may regret decisions or outcomes, you cannot do anything now to change them.  You can of course learn and move on.

Behind lies a path that's trodden and is now history, it contains many good and some not so good times but it's the past.  They say your past can catch up to you and it felt a bit like that last night.  I felt myself staring at one of the young ladies (but I probably wasn't) as she looked so familiar to someone I knew 35 or more years ago.  It was a bit of a shock actually now I've had a chance to think about it.

Anyway, looking forward is the next thing and who can say what will happen and how things will pan out.  I feel that I'd like to have a different type of life to what I have now.  I want to spend free time doing pleasurable things and not having the one eyed god playing in the corner of the room.  Then again, I'd enjoy that but would other people - is that their vision and what they want out of life?  I fancy a place of fine wine, good sounds, nice food. good friends etc.  That just doesn't happen - getting in from work all stressed out and the last thing you want to do is to chill out (that's not me talking).

The way forward isn't fully clear to me but there's some key components that I'd like to see and these include spending time actually enjoying the time off work and when we are in the same house.  I've barely seen Mrs. F. for well over a week now and I admit it being a partial plan of mine to instil into both of us what it will be like for me to no longer be around once again like I used to be 10 years and more ago when I worked away and whilst that was happening, fed the family pretty well too.  No it's more for me to evaluate what being alone might be like and also for Mrs. F. to be reminded of the past and what it used to be like before I became ill.

I'm not advocating playing away from home but I am saying that absence is helping me think things through.  It's a bit annoying that I have to be at home tomorrow now as I really wanted to go to the History Society meeting in the Village. - I might sleep on that or hope that delivery arrives in the morning and I can get to go.

I'm now away from formulating strategies and into testing my hypothesis to see if it will fit.  

Shake Down

This morning I've chased up my last two presents - one is a replacement and one is outstanding.  That will then be all my presents sorted out.  I can now get on with the Newsletters and the Christmas Cards and just getting ready.

Another job came through today but this is the same ones who had the job in Wimbledon and never ever got back to me about it and do I've consigned it to the delete bin.  

I'm busy transferring tracks from cassettes (remember them?) to MP3.  This is quite easy using Audacity and just uploading them to my backup server thingy.  I have no idea if these are actually worth anything to anyone, I have hundreds of them lying around but not for much longer as I want rid of them.  I have a load of vinyl which also needs to be sorted out and recorded before getting rid of them too.  Some of them have a value and so I might try and sell them on.  Certainly some of the early Promos I have may be valuable to the right buyer.

I had a good night last night and I'm out again tonight, it's keeping me distracted I suppose.  I continue working on some ideas for the New Year and I hope that I'll have something finalised in the next few weeks or at least a way forward.  As I suggested before it requires things to be stable at this end to get on and do these things and it requires me to get my head into the right frame of mind too.

Music

Is my one fall-back and today I just hit the button and this came on:

"Fix You"

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face

And I...

Tears stream down your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face

And I...

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Now Coldplay are a band that you either like or not (Marmite) but I quite like them as a stadium band but this is one of my favourite songs.  It was one of the songs I listened to as I went for my operation - the first one - the one that saved my life.  Today it is as powerful as it was then, generally it grabs me and stirs me up and makes me cry but somehow in an uplifting way.  Strange that it should play tonight of all nights.  

Then this came on:

                                                                     "The Scientist"

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start.

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Don't speak as loud as my heart
And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

Ooooohhhhhhh [x4]

Exactly.  Blue eyes haunt me...

Something Different

Went  out tonight with some friends - 3 guys and 3 gals.  It was a really good night and a little bizarre too.  We started at my local and had a good few beers and then had a nice Curry and just enjoyed each others company.

I have to say that I'm really taken with one of the gals as she reminds me so much of a girl I knew way, way, way back in my youth.  She has the looks and the most amazing eyes and it was really nice to see her - I hadn't expected her to turn up at all.  It was just a nice evening out and my local Indian restaurant did us very well even to the point where I asked for a spare glass for my friend and they were very pleased to give that to me gratis.

They are nice guys at the restaurant but it is obvious that they use it as a training ground for the young waiters who must progress on to bigger and greater things.

So, here I am, I have no idea what to make of the evening other than it was very enjoyable.  Yikes, this girl/lady has the most hypnotic blue eyes, great sense of humour and turned up when I wasn't expecting it.  I have absolutely no idea what it all means anyway as I'm so screwed up at the moment and I don't get any signals whatsoever.....

Damn wouldn't it be good if for once it was all obvious to me what to do?  

My Mum woke me up this morning

Which is pretty impressive as she lives a good 120+ miles away :-)  Actually she called me just gone 10 and I was fast asleep :-)  I must have dozed back to sleep and I'm not surprised as I was tired yesterday and from the exertions of the past week.

I'm wrestling with a balance problem - not in my body but in what I do next.  It was nice to have a chat with this chap yesterday about his company woes and in some ways I'd enjoy being back in that sort of situation again although he needed to kick some arse frankly and lay the law down - I'd have enjoyed doing this sort of thing...

No what has been bugging me is that I reckon I have some plans that I would like to do to raise some funds and keep the metaphorical Wolf from the door.  They rely heavily on being in this house or having full support from everyone.  These aren't direct employment opportunities nor will they raise cash from day one - perhaps day 90 or 120 but certainly not straight away.  They involve remodelling my office and taking up space in either the garage or shed both of which are storing large amounts of stuff that isn't being used.  However, if we were to move elsewhere that may not be possible.

Once again, I am reminded that I need to sort both things out not just one for each is reliant on the other to some extent.  

It's all in your mind

"Mr. Tweedy, all in your mind!"  - good old Chicken Run - a harmless piece of entertainment if ever there was.

I've been troubled by many thoughts in these past few years, it's getting worse and and whilst I have a potential resolution to these I am actually uncertain if it will actually resolve things.  I'm being obtuse on purpose at the moment as I'm exploring scenarios and thinking things through very thoroughly, such is my way.  I'm normally like this but then normally it is to do with business and not personal life.

As I write, Bridge over Troubled Water has just come on - poignant indeed.  Most, if not all of the problems I have are almost without exception my problems.  The reason I say that is that it was my illness that led me to make some fundamental changes and those changes place me at the centre of that change, no one else has been asked to change and neither do I want my illness to change them.

That was difficult to write and it still isn't clear is it?  Let's try again.  The person most affected by Bladder Cancer was me.  Whatever the outcome, life would continue in a normal and predictable way because there was nothing that the remainder of the family could possibly do to affect the outcome even if they had changed their lifestyles it wouldn't have made a jot of difference to my fortune in surviving.  If we assume that everyone was travelling along in the same general direction at the time of diagnosis, things were going well enough and life functioned much as it had done for many years.  Post diagnosis, it is as if I am a totally different person, I still have my absurd sense of humour and if anything I am a much lighter touch person, far more tolerant than I was and generally a much nicer all around human being.  But that isn't the actual point still.  I am changed in terms of outlook and attitude and now more than ever struggling to work out what I am going to do next.  As such, I look to have diverted off the general direction everyone else was travelling in.  I'm off some side road (perhaps a cul de sac) trying to get my new Sat Nav to work properly.  I have a vision of how things could be in the future and the frightening thing is that I doubt anyone will understand or appreciate what I want or why I should want it. Why the hell should they, it isn't about them it is about me and the last thing I want is to impose my new sets of values, principles and ideas on them.

I'm full of great ideas and things that I could do but I do not see these being huge money spinners nor do I see them being much more than some sort of fantasy at the moment.  I hated going up to London (and back) the other day it was uncomfortable to say the least.  My claustrophobia is taking more effort to control and I am I'm not getting things done despite having time to do things - I spend time at the moment researching various ideas and trying to see if they are feasible or just pipe dreams.

In essence though I'd like to work for myself and in two or three areas that look as if they could complement each other but I'd need to make sure that the conditions will be available for them.  I can only see them being successful if I have the full cooperation of the family and I currently doubt that I do have that.  So it's a bit of a double edged sword in the fact that I probably can't do what I want to do without cooperation which I currently may not have.  Urggghhh, it's just so difficult to get some sort of plan together, it's probably more complicated than the biggest projects I've ever handled :-) The Risk profile is horrendous too.  

Thinking - I do too much of it

Interesting conversation - yes not quite what I thought it might be so silly old me thinking too much as usual.  Had a nice chat with business colleague of a friend and helped (I think) get their thinking straight.  They can come back and chat some more, where upon my business partner was around and we went out for a late coffee after the call I had.

Funny as we were driving back, a head hunter called him so I left the car and him too it at my house - hopefully it will be a good job opportunity for him, after all, he deserves something good to happen to him.

I've been a bit of a grumpy today, not happy with something or other, not happy with Mrs. F and I backed out of a couple of one-liners I was about to deliver as they weren't appropriate nor were they "big or clever" :-)  If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all I suppose.

Had some of my deliveries turn up today but unfortunately so badly packed that one of the chocolate items was smashed to pieces.  It was a particularly badly packed parcel I'd say.    The customer service experience isn't great and I think it would help these guys immensely if they saw the Amazon model which I've never had a problem with.  

Mrs. F is out for a short while which gives me a nice quiet time to calm down prior to her return although in reality going out for a couple of coffees and a chat have done.

Frosty Morning

Indoors that is :-) It hasn't been a great morning here but Mrs. F. has now shot off to do shopping and see her mum and stuff so that's OK.  I am sat here at the PC wondering whether I should follow my star sign this morning (I have a desktop thing that has a daily Horoscope on it - what possessed me to look at it today I don't know).

"Relationships can be a source of pain now, yet opening your heart in the presence of potential hurt could earn the rewards of intimacy. This is not an easy process, for your tendency is to protect your sensitive feelings from being wounded. Showing your vulnerability to someone you love is the first step on the journey to healing today."

How bizarre is that? :-)

Anyway, I've been doing a bit more work on reviewing my options and I suppose that I ought to have some of those chats I said I ought to have.  Of course, it is typical, I got a call last night from someone who has some potential work for me.  Idiot me I didn't turn it down but said I'd have a chat today with them.  Where's all that assertive stuff I used to be made of gone?  Down the toilet with my confidence and everything else I reckon :-)

Out and About with Flocky

It was nice to get some time with Flocky.  He's a good chap and a good listener and a good confident too.  I certainly needed some vent for my frustration at ending up on the Thursday night soaked through!  But it's happened before - I've ended up having to work out a way to get home because no one will come out for me - but then that's par for the course, I'm sure if it was them and I did that I wouldn't hear the last of it.

Then there's a little fact that is also interesting and that's that until last night I hadn't actually spoken to Mrs. F since Tuesday - well not to have a conversation that is.   What contact has been made has been by Text.  There's nothing particularly wrong in this, it is usual.  However, not sure that everyone else finds it usual.

So there we have it - I've had a good weekend - not sure I'd want to do anything quite as crazy as flying there again but you never know.  It was good fun.  Flocky didn't come to Scotland but maybe next year - it is good fun....

Recovery Mode

There is something rather special about being driven home in one of these beasts.  The miles just flash by and the ride is smooth and effortless and you hear hardly any noise.  The temptation to floor it would be too much for me :-)  I'd lose my licence in about 25 miles! :-)

It was the culmination of quite a weekend.  On Thursday I had been in London and got soaked on the way home and by the time that no one had wanted to pick me up and I'd got home, I needed to dry out my suit, jacket, shoes and overcoat.  As luck would have it, my Regalia, in a case remained dry but my umbrella was wet and wind damaged :-(  It took quite a while to dry things out and as luck would have it, by 2 am or thereabouts I was able to assemble things together so that in the morning I could do final packing and not have a damp bag.

Flocky picked me up on Friday morning and we (well he) drove to Southampton.  We were able to book into our Hotel early but we hadn't counted on no lift and so we were confronted with 3 flights of stairs and a long walk to our rooms.  This would come back to haunt us.  We went to TGIF for lunch which was very nice indeed, although I'm no great lover of chain outlets it was OK.  We then headed back, got showered and changed for the meeting at the nearby Novotel.  When we got there we found out that there were some double bookings and we had to get to the 5th floor to change.  I managed the first lift up but elected to walk down and walk up and down again as I really didn't like the idea of getting 6 or 7 of us in a lift at a time and there were well over 200 brethren there.  We then took our cases to our Hotel (next door) and had to go up and down 3 flights of steps!  At this point I realised how unfit I was :-)

We had a nice meal and I was fortunate to sit next to an old friend of mine who was my Committee Chair when I was at the Charity, he had just had a Scan as he has Prostate Cancer and they need to make a decision on what to do about that.  So we chatted about that and many other things too.  He was good company and he held a high office in the Province but as Flocky said he really was a nice chap and very good company indeed.  
On Saturday Flocky took me to Southampton Airport - a mere 4 miles from our Hotel but that took us close to 20 minutes because of the Traffic Lights!  It was a nice little airport and I spent time in the Coffee Lounge watching the planes taking off and landing.  I was meant to be in a Flybe  Embraer E-195 aircraft but over a period of weeks my flight had been put back almost 2 hours and I actually flew on a Bombardier Dash 8 Q400, which was a bit disappointing but there you go we made Glasgow in great time - 1 hour and 15 minutes I think.  I had to admit to not feeling particularly good on the flight or a couple of times during the day suffering with what felt like Angina!

I was met at the airport by one of the Scots Lodge members and driven the 30 or so minutes to Strathaven Hotel where I met my colleagues in good time for a double Glenmorangie to be thrust in to my hands and the day to really begin.

In Southampton and the South of England it had been raining constantly but it was quite pleasant in Scotland however that changed overnight and we managed to get particularly wet getting home at 3 in the morning!!  YES, 3 in the morning.  We had a lovely meeting and meal followed by a Harmony (a sort of self put on show - the Bag Pipes (3 master of Pipes) were just amazing - I will see if I can get some photos on here.  My friend and I did our two sketches - one in the main hall and the Nelson sketch in the pub afterwards!  The first was funny but the second (whether through drink or otherwise) brought the house down - the props just added to the fun.

All too soon, the evening was beginning to get quite boisterous and around 2:30 we decided to get back to the Hotel.  After we said our goodbyes we headed up the hill (more like a mountain).  Once again, I was out of breath but my colleague, who has Asthma and other chest complaints was suffering in the cold and the dampness as it was chucking it down with rain and it could only have been a handful of degrees.  We got back about 3 or just past but by the time I was ready to hit the sack it was 3:20 - I didn't need any bedtime story I can tell you - I was out like a light.  This year we had breakfast at Gentlemen's hours and around 9:00 we were having a Scottish breakfast and we got on the road about 10:30 or 10:40 - the journey home was only eventful when we got near Northampton where a small flood had topped the road - the car in front hit it and swerved on the edge of loss of control, a Jaguar like mine, thank goodness for 3 tons of car and all wheel drive as we certainly had some aquaplaning but the car just ploughed on nicely in control.  

I unfortunately heard the result of the World Championship in Formula 1 but not the circumstances of that win and I got home just in time to see the rerun of the Brazilian Grand Prix and it was an absolute classic which but as I knew the outcome of the overall thing I had some of the excitement (and it was exciting as he may have lost the thing on lap one - it was very lucky he didn't) mitigated by that.

I've now got some decisions to make about myself and where to go next.  I think the weekend gave me some time to think things through but in reality, what I would really like is to get my head into gear quickly and actually knuckle down and start to sort things out systematically - that's the plan - whether or not it happens is another thing altogether. :-)

What a weekend

I'll do so more later in the week but suffice it to say it was a good few days but I am very tired as I only got a little sleep between Thursday and today (Sunday).  It was good to have a long chat and time with Flocky Bicep as that helped me to crystallise some of my recent thoughts.  A crazy night out in Scotland was just what the doctor ordered and it was, indeed a fantastic meeting, meal and harmony afterwards.  Suffice it to say I got to bed around 3:20 am but actually hadn't been feeling too well for most of Saturday - not sure if it was nerves or food that made me not feel great but it did mean I didn't drink a lot and so that helped me a lot.

Then to get driven home in a 6 Litre, W12 Bentley Continental from Scotland was just sublime, the engine note is absolutely amazing and produces a smile a mail wide every time the pedal is pressed.  

I am now just sorting myself out and will probably sleep for hours tomorrow :-)  More later.

Thinking of Building an Ark

It sort of follows that the US gets some sort of storm or hurricane and a few weeks later we get some sort of "weather event".  Well yesterday was like Armageddon, the heavens opened and the skies darkened and rather than walk I had to get public transport to the event.

Today, we were told that it would be a lovely sunny day and that overnight - like 2 or 3 am it would get wet and windy.  WRONG.  We had been in London, actually al fresco although it was a bit blowy earlier on but around about 9:30 all hell broke loose and the wind was driving the rain sideways so we headed to the train station and there were (unusually) lots of people around.  All the trains were delayed due to inclement weather, signal problems and on my line a broken down train.  

I need to pack the stuff I was wearing tonight ready so I can go away tomorrow - I have it all laid out drying as I'm soaked to the skin and once again the call home where three drivers and two cars on the drive went unheeded and I ended up getting a thorough soaking whilst waiting in the bus shelter and between the bus stop and home my trousers are soaked through and my umbrella is suffering from being blown inside out.  Call me a cynical bastard but you'd have thought one of them would have answered my request for a lift.  One of them actually rang me as I was on route to London asking for a lift from the station when it was dry and sunny.

Hopefully I'm not getting paranoid about this but this isn't the first time that I've ended up soaked to the skin because no one would come out.  It wasn't even that late 10:30 but there you go.  Luckily I'm away for a few days and sod them all.  At least I will be enjoying myself for the next few days and very much like this evening have a good old time to take my mind off things.

50 minutes to go

Then off to London for a Lodge meeting getting back quite late I believe then up early tomorrow with Flocky Bicep travelling to Southampton to get there for a long lunch followed by getting ready for another Lodge meeting, a few post meeting beers and then to bed up early to go to Southampton Airport in the morning and catch my flight to Glasgow to be picked up, run over to the Hotel and then off to - you guessed it another Lodge meeting followed by a meal and a Harmony where sketches, music and poems are performed and bagpipes and all sorts of things go on.  Back late - like 2 or 3 am and then being driven home to arrive home late on Sunday!  What a way to go on! :-)

I will be totally shattered come Sunday.

As I suspected

Mrs. F. was on early shift this morning so I glimpsed her leaving.  Realistically I'm now not going to see her until Sunday evening!  Oh well, it just gives me a starting situation to work from.

Communication is a key thing and the trouble is that I am (despite what you may think) quite introverted in many ways and I'm not surprisingly extremely good at soaking up all the annoyances and frustrations and can do that for years.  You don't ever want to see what I am like when I get angry or annoyed :-)

It looks like I've got a hell of a lot of work to do when I get back from Scotland but then again I knew that.  Much of the indecision and also the time taken to think this through is that it is actually quite serious.  Whilst I can't change my life in one big step and one all encompassing move, change my life is what I want but at what cost?  If I were to just please myself then everyone gets "hurt" apart from me as I get my own way -- or do I?  If I compromise, as I have done for a number of years, will I ever be happy with my lot?  In many ways I want to keep some of this life with me but maybe, just maybe that wont happen.

I don't know the answer (or maybe I intuitively do and that's why I don't want to act).  Part of me feels I should untangle the situation I'm in now and some of me yearns for a break and a clean start and yet there are so many permutations and it's just a difficult question to answer.  I don't suppose that there is an malice in the way Mrs. F. acts as she isn't like that but perhaps through getting ill I now find I need some different sort of support.  I don't know!

I'm now out and about from later today and will be heading to different places and travelling around.  The girls will be arriving back tonight and so I might bump into one or other of them, we will see but I will be back late and then off and away in the morning to Southampton, then Saturday Glasgow and then home late on Sunday.  After this - I need to work on getting things completed for Christmas.  Newsletters, Cards, presents etc all need sorting out!  At least I will have few distractions even though I am out every weekend between now and mid January!

What a Day

Our weather forecasters (who also assure me that Global Warming is real) suggested that we would be clear of rain by lunchtime and that it would be a lovely day from mid afternoon onwards.  At around 2 pm I found myself turning on the lights as it looked like an Apocalypse was about to unload itself on us.  

I was due out and was going to walk the 2 or 3 miles or whatever it is to a meeting but ended up hanging about and then grabbing public transport.

To make matters worse after the meeting Mrs. F. kindly came and got me but it was obviously begrudgingly.  I could have got a Taxi or someone could have run me home but as it was I spent a while in the car going home trying to make conversation against the "great wall of silence".  The unfortunate thing is (I realise) that I won't be seeing Mrs. F. until late Sunday night at the earliest as I'm away now until then.  I feel bloody minded enough just to let that happen and see what the effect is.  I have a meeting that means I wont be home until midnight at the earliest tomorrow and then on Friday I'm away early in the morning and I won't be home until Sunday.

I'm neutral, almost blasé about this because - it isn't me that's dealing out the grief, far from it.  I just find that any grief fired in my direction only gets my back up further and I reciprocate in kind and add interest.  OK maybe I shouldn't do that but that's the way I'm built, that's the way I protect myself and that's just tough.

In a way, I don't care at the moment as I am out to please myself (I know that's selfish but perhaps, just maybe, I've earned that right by now).  Whatever it is, the parting has been one of no words or anything else and that's sad, I did try but that's not important I guess.  

In recent months I have been really trying to communicate and get back to some semblance of "normality" and yet despite those efforts it isn't to be.  I have a mission to sort this out when I get back from Scotland once and for all because it makes for troubled times and it ties me to an impossible plot and theme one that I cannot hope to achieve.  

Messed up again

Strange old morning - I've done a bit of work on the bathroom and just faffed about, I've printed off the scripts for the weekend jaunt to Scotland and packed the props and suddenly I feel like I've dropped off a cliff and just feel awful for no apparent reason at all.

It is a pretty strange feeling I have to say but there you go, it comes and goes like this a lot these days.  I feel a little sick in the pit of my stomach a little tight across the chest and have a dry throat and it's all in my mind it is just so debilitating - I have absolutely no interest in doing anything even though I have things to do.  This will pass a little later on I'm certain.  I was doing quite well up to now.   

Fear Itself

It was Franklin D. Roosevelt who coined that phrase:

During his inauguration on March 4, 1933, occurred in the middle of a bank panic, hence the backdrop for his famous words: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

It is a most bizarre thing that we just beat ourselves up and invent the fear and live up to it.  Too many times I've been in that situation and my mind has got the better of me.  Sure, some of the things that have happened to me aren't nice and the weren't pleasant but fear made them worse.  Once I was "used to them" I could live with them and waiting and other indignities are now part of every visit but it doesn't bother me so much because that is the system.

I realise that my father's death did affect me in many subtle ways.  Strange things happen these days that really create a wobble in my day to day equilibrium.  

Fear is a massive factor in Cancer - I mean things like will it recur, will it be treatable, will you die and so on.  It IS frightening and it's only when people remember and tell you what I was like say 5 years ago that I realise how ill I actually was and how near I was to having a far worse time.

Setting out a vision for the future

It is always a good chat with my business partner.  Both of us had cancer at the same time and surgery overlapped by a day or two.  Mine wasn't radical surgery - his was and so we both began to spend time chatting comparing notes and it's been cathartic because we were both going through similar symptoms and reactions and so we've helped each other along the way.  He is about 6 or 7 years my junior and this is an interesting age gap - he hasn't hit 50 yet and so we have different outlooks on where to go from here.  I've said before that I really want to just take things easy, make a living but on my terms as I've had so much time for myself and my needs and wants to have that taken away is one of the areas that I can see would affect my decisions.

Currently I am waiting to hear back from one job.  It's a pretty interesting job but would mean me becoming an employee again and I just don't know that I really, deep down inside, want that.  However I need to be a realist and to set out something for sticking some money into the bank account and allowing us to eat and pay the bills.  I'm a bit of a closet artisan really - I'd love to make money by making things, pottery, paintings, photographs, crafts and so on.  Of course I very much doubt that you'd actually pay the bills doing this for a living and you'd need a series of small enterprises to keep you going.  A chap in the village paints and sells prints of the originals but he also does commissions and he runs the weekly Jazz club too.  I think he just about keeps body and soul together doing that, you see his paintings all around the local area in pubs and clubs and exhibitions.  I'd certainly like to do something like that but of course you need to find you niche and then go for it.  

I think that the genealogy business will have three peak times per year, Christmas, Father's and Mother's Day.  I can see some times when it will be quiet and then I'll need to substitute doing something else in its place and I could set up a couple of small businesses aimed at the clubs and social market.  It would be something along the line of targeted marketing and selling on personalised items that they can use for fund-raising etc.  I know there is a market or an appetite for these sorts of things as many people ask me whether I can source things like pens and personal pepper pots etc.  It might be another line to pursue especially as I have friends who are engravers and another who runs a personalisation business.

I will work on this from next week when I get back from Scotland.

Neck is a bit better

I've been using the heat bag (wheat bag) a couple of times and it seems to have worked and whilst I can still feel the strain it is a lot better.  My business partner came over today and I finally took him on the circular walk from my house.   It is slightly modified and I changed part of the route to go past the Firs and a Fallen Oak tree all whitened in the sun which I have a painting of in my front room.

It is about an hour long and we ended up at the local pub for a few beers and a sandwich - all very nice - it is what I like about living here.  I was particularly interested to listen to his experiences (similar to mine) about the current job market - it really isn't where we want to be - the Corporate jobs are just dire and in no way would use our skills and experience - perhaps we are looking in the wrong places.  The trouble is that to align with start ups is also a difficult task because of the circle of advisers that appear to mentor these people - more like the money people spreadsheet managing them.

I have made a decision that this weekend is my drop-dead date for the majority of outstanding jobs I've not heard from - if I haven't heard, then they don't exist.  I have one opportunity that I am waiting to hear from and it's only been a few days since I heard from them.  If that goes flat or cold then I think I need to spend a day or two with Mrs. F. and set out a vision of the future and see where we get to with that.  

What on Earth have I done to my neck

I woke about 5 am and felt my neck cricked and cold :-(  It's been sore all day long - what a nightmare.  Had heat pack treatment and walking around the house in a scarf to keep it warm!

Have done almost all my shopping for Christmas on-line this afternoon - a few more things to get for Mrs. F. but maybe I can have a look at the Airport as I'll have a bit of time to kill whilst I am there as my flight has been rescheduled to be an hour and a half later.

I need to get packed and sorted out for this week - I have things to do on every day and the challenge is to make sure I have got everything sorted as I have three meetings one after the other so no time to get that wrong.