Lifted my spirits

I had a great day out today with some friends and had 12 hours of laughs and some serious stuff too, there was a brass band playing carols and we all joined in and that made it very Christmassy - and we got home at a decent hour too - at least an hour before normal allowing me to write this blog and be sober to boot!  That's pretty good as I'm normally a few more beers to the wind than this.

I like the lift I've got from that and need to carry it on for tomorrow.  I had to laugh today because after having confirmation that I wasn't going nuts and that the firm who want me to do the tests actually did have their web link broken (has no one else noticed this or have they blindly gone and done the tests?) and confirmed it in writing I got a "reminder" that I should do the tests to which I have politely responded that they have already acknowledged that their links are broken etc etc and round the mill we go again!  I will have some interesting information to discuss should I get to interview time.

I'm still unsure what I want to do but let's see where this leads me.  It could be in totally the wrong direction but then again - serendipity has always played interesting tricks on my life.

Printer Woes

I have three printers (I would wouldn't I?).  Being in IT I have copier printer, A4 colour laser and an A3 Inkjet.  There are a couple of other printers in the house but the three I have a networked together and work rather nicely, that is until they run out of ink/toner etc.

Both the colour laser and the inkjet are now in very low mode and the laser has stopped working - just when I need it to print out some more newsletters to send out to family and friends.  I'll be doing some more cards and newsletters when the new ink arrives in a few days.

At least I'm part of the way to being organised.  I'm waiting to hear from my daughter who is due back shortly and will need picking up and turning around so to get to an appointment. I've not heard back from the people who want me to do the test yet so I feel an email to them explaining that they haven't responded to my earlier email and that time is now ticking down on their deadline might be in order.  You can't believe some people's urgency levels.

I'm feeling OK - not too bad but perhaps a little flatter than I normally am but nowhere near as bad as I felt a few days ago.

Depression - Should you "snap out of it"?

Flocky and I met up and he castigated me for not calling on Tuesday when I was so low.  Interesting as the very last thing I wanted to do was to talk to anyone!  Flocky suggested he would be able to "snap me out of it" and that's interesting as he and I have both been to the depths of the Black Dog and so he knows a lot about this.  I feel somewhat naughty that I didn't call anyone and I've got lots of very nice and good friends who will gallop to the rescue - I just don't acknowledge how wonderful my friends are really - I don't deserve them do I? :-)

The bottom line is that you just turn into a self wallowing mass of introverted self serving goo and aren't really in any mood whatsoever to call anyone and let them in on the secret.  I wouldn't want to "phone a friend" if it meant emptying my guts out to them.  YES I know that is what friends are for but are they really?  I wouldn't want to burden my friends with it and yet I know that I've done that before for them.

Ho hum.  I was a lot better today, I thrive on the right sort of company and I have to say I'm really blessed with some lovely friends and many of them through Freemasonry.  The Masons have a number of particular rules that mean that you can call them and sort stuff out like I've just had.  They are like the Samaritans in many ways.  Whatever I said tonight was taken in and will not be repeated.  My friends suggested different courses of action but didn't dictate what to do they just listened and provided balanced feedback and a shoulder to cry on and someone to bounce ideas off, that's all there's no judgement calls or anything else what more could you ask?

We discussed Mrs. F's and My President's Christmas Lunch on Sunday and the running order and all that good stuff.  It's important that we have some idea of the structure even though the day may go slightly different to what we have planned :-)

I hope Mrs. F enjoys her day I really do.....

Printer Packed Up

Blast - I hope I don't need my laser tomorrow - I know I need my A3 to be ready for action for the table plan for Sunday.

I've done pretty well on card duty but ran out of newsletters which are slightly heavy on the blue (cyan) and so that has packed up - of course I did 60+ Carol song sheets for Sunday too so that depleted my supply.  Anyway, have ordered another but it could be a few days off - will just have to manage that's all.

A should be just about flying now off to Munich.  L has phoned me to say she is arriving tomorrow so I can do taxi service for her too.  

The very last present arrived today and so I'm now left to choose what ones are for Mrs. F's birthday and what for Christmas.   I know some of the answers but need a viewing to decide finally and then I can wrap those.  I have a lot more cards to write too but that should be OK as there is plenty of time for the UK ones.  

I had quite a few conversations today - I'm a lot better than I was Tuesday afternoon and evening and at least I have a partial understanding what it was (almost certainly my mum going to be checked out for cancer on Wednesday!) but that isn't everything that added together to make me feel that bad.  I know what I have to do and I'll sort things out.  Nice to know there are people who will listen and help out - I wasn't thinking like that at all when I was in the dark place on Tuesday.  

Up and About and almost enthusiastic

Almost :-)  Certainly I'm up and sat at my desk by 8 which is pretty good.  A is off to Germany a little later today to have a few days at the Munich Christmas Market.  I'm sure she will have a lovely time there.  It's nice to see her getting out and about now that her work has calmed down and her first contractual stint is over.  She had to work a number of months before getting holiday.  She has also booked to go to New York in the New Year, this time with her boyfriend (and not her crazy aunt) so she will be able to take in the museums and what she wants to do!  

I am out again tonight and I look forward to next week when I have a couple of days off.  It really is that crazy at this time of year.  The only night I wont be out is Friday night, Saturday and Sunday are full on long days.

The bathroom is now finished - apart from stuff that my brother-in-law can finalise for me.  Then it will be finally finalised!  As it is now it is more than adequate and the radiator gives plenty of heat to the room which is a little colder than it used to be through the floor tiles.

I should be on card writing duty today.  I shall get myself in the mood for that before taking A off to the station so she can travel to Heathrow and fly off to Munich.  I then have most of the day to sort these out.  I have decided to fill out a spreadsheet (I did it last year but lost my hard drive you may recall).  This time it will be backed up to my on-line storage system.

End of an Era

I started going to the Jazz night in 1988, I think in the May of that year because Mrs. F. came with me on the first two but not thereafter and I went on my own shortly after we moved into our present house in July 1988.  Tonight they called it a day and the last Jazz night was performed with just one of the original members in attendance.  It just isn't viable for him to travel the distance and the audience is getting smaller as the older ones die off and failing health grabs them.  

It's the end of that era and one that I've enjoyed very much but life goes on.  The members of the band will go on and do other things and there's talk of some of them coming back next year anyway to do something similar.  In the 24 years who could have predicted what would have happened and since then we've had children who have grown up and are at Uni and work.  We've had 6 elections and I've changed from working in construction to IT.  Lots of stuff has changed.  I was in my early 30s and things were just about to take off :-)

Yes, it is the end of an era.  The Piano player has cancer and his own battles to go and fight, of the initial members one has died and the others gone their own way, players have come and gone and once a month I've been able to go and see great musicianship at a cheap price, had some good beer and great company.  Of the 5 regulars that used to go there are only the 2 of us remaining.  Many of our number have come and gone.  It's a bit like life really.

I'm in a reasonably good mood at the moment, I've pulled myself out of some of the rut I was in and tried to work on some of my problems.  I hope that I can just work a little harder on keeping positive in these next few weeks.

Well that's a little better

They can't find anything wrong with mum so that's good - she thought she might have a lump in her breast but scans and checks all done and she is fine which is a weight of her mind and I guess mine - maybe that also added to my bad day yesterday.  Today is getting better.  I finished off the silicone in the bathroom and the pipes - a few hours and the ob was done and I've been putting it off for far too long! 

I will tackle Christmas Cards and Newsletters tomorrow and get those out of the way and then move on to wrapping presents and slowly work my way back into being active and getting things done.

I've also had time to do some planning and think things through which is also useful as I need to work out what I'm thinking of doing.  I've not heard back from the massive corporate as of yet - I will give them a day or so and then write once again and see if they've figured out that they have the wrong link on their email to me.  It's hilarious if you think about it.

I'm certainly feeling a lot better this afternoon than I was yesterday - let's hope that it stays that way.

Things aren't solved but it's better

Snow on the ground outside (would be worrying if inside I suppose) which wasn't expected last night in the weather forecast, and the start of a better day for me.  I haven't been as bad as yesterday for a very long time indeed.  I'm not brilliant today but yesterday was absolutely horrible.  The trigger, if there was one, was getting that "test" email through from the potential future employer and then seeing that they hadn't got part of it right.  Suddenly the ground opened up beneath me and I was in a horrible place.

The alarm bells going off should be asking why did that set me off.  It's obvious in my mind that I'm going for a job that I shouldn't be and doing it for the wrong reasons.  I'm trying to please other people and not myself and I'm also concerned that it's running away from the issues I'm trying to iron out.  There's one other thing that may also be playing on my mind and that's my mother is in hospital today to have a check up on an unusual lump and I'm sure that that is also playing on my mind too.  Having already lost my father to Cancer this year I'm not sure what I'd do if my mother was found to have cancer or something serious.

At least today I am a little more with it and feeling somewhat better than yesterday so one small reason to be thankful for a good nights sleep.

An Unexpected Outing

I didn't go to the ex-works do - I knew that I'd be in the totally wrong frame of mind and I'm up for a fight with anyone who will give me one.  I'm angry, upset, confused, tearful and generally in a very uncomfortable place right now.   I'm completely unstable emotionally and my logic isn't working properly and my spider senses are ringing bells everywhere.  

Out of the blue I got a text message.  I'd had a bath and tried to chill down and then had tea.  The text said a friend of mine was in town and would I like to meet for a beer.  Well yes I would.  I wasn't' right but let's meet anyway - I know I need to be out of the house.  Another very good friend was there too and I was able to just bounce some nonsense off of him tonight and that's been very good.  I'm in a bit of a mess here as I have a conundrum to solve.  I go for this high pressure job and it pays great and it takes me back 15 years into my high flying consultancy days but, as my friend reminds me, those were the days that led to my downfall in the first place, the high flying days burning the candle at both ends and the stress and the pressure actually may have been part of the cause of my cancer.  

That's actually in the back of my mind.  Also in the back of my mind is that I get back to where I live, eat and breathe.  Where I make a difference, where my career has meaning where I am valued and (let's face it) paid a decent wedge for what I know and what I can do for my customers.  But can I hack that life any longer and am I just going to use it to get out of the house for prolonged periods of time and not be here and just live the life?  There's the trap and there's the concern.  I may not be wanting this for the right reasons and using it as a means to an end.

Life at the moment is one of walking on egg shells, balancing on quick sand and trying to balance so many things at once that there is every possibility they will all fall to the ground at the same time.  All the balls cannot be kept in the air at once.  I'm in need of a hiatus but it isn't happening now in the short term.  It will have to happen soon though as I can't keep trying to balance all these permutations.  Oh well - time to get to bed and try and get some sleep - that didn't work at all last night - let's hope the addition of a few pints of beer will allow me to sleep through tonight.

That's Interesting

I feel quite queasy and I've figured out that it is to do with an email that arrived this morning requesting I take a verbal and numerical reasoning test.  Not that the tests worry me that much but progressing with the job application does.  That may not make sense but my heart really isn't in it at all.  The last thing I want to do is go back to Corporate life but then again the money is good as is the overall package.  The real trouble being that it just diverts me away from sorting things out and allows me to duck a number of things.

I know that I should tackle all these problems but in tackling them I'm very concious of the fallout and wreckage I might leave (real or imagined).  Success in getting the job may mean that it allows me to just go off and do my own thing anyway running away from any problems.

I'll see how I feel about this in a day or two, I have time to prepare and take the tests.  Mind you I've already found that their email points to a web site address that doesn't exist and I've asked for clarification on that - it makes them look amateurs but there you go...

Ex-Works Do tonight

I'm not up for that yet, I still don't feel I can keep a civil tongue in my head with some of them.  I do find a few of my ex-colleagues have their heads shoved up their arse and I don't deal with their type very well at all.  If you want a yes man who kowtow to the norm then you've got the wrong man for that.

In my present state of mind it isn't actually going to do me any good meeting some of these guys.  They're not all like that just a handful of them and after all it's 14 years since I was there last and some still act as if they're your lord and master.  In another frame of mind I might just be able to do it.

Well the excitement is that at last there is some movement on the job hunt front as the email that asks me to do some on-line tests has arrived.  That should be a laugh as I inevitably score badly in these things because my mind works differently to most.  Oh well, nothing ventured, nothing gained I suppose.

I'm a little better than I was yesterday in overall demeanour but I still have a really heavy chest and a headache just painful enough to be there nagging away.  At least I have completed the Newsletters and can get on with writing the Christmas Cards and sending those.  I will do far more by email this year than post - the cost is prohibitive and Royal Mail thumped up their prices earlier in the year - probably in response to falling demand and the threat from email - you have to wonder where they get their thought leadership from...

BTW - when I say heavy chest what it means is that I am prone to be sighing a lot and it sort of feels as if my body is heavier than it really is.  Anyway, feeling blah at the moment and hopefully will snap out of it down the week.

Picked up a bit

Out tonight and the lads cheered me up a bit - must watch out though I was taking no prisoners with the sarcasm - I can be a little too sharp tongued sometimes.  

I do feel massively low though and I know what it is - I'm not telling you though but it's more about us than me let's say.

Suddenly it's three weeks to go to Christmas and I'm in a very strange place and need to snap out of that and get back on track.  Later today Flocky and I will sort out Mrs. F's and my Christmas Luncheon which is happening this Sunday.  I'm delighted that we will have close to 120 people attend the day.  That really is nice.  I could have done without the "assistance" of one of our friends who was telling us about this fab offer so we could get raffle prizes (which I've already got) and turned up today with a massive box of chocolates that she got in the sale that I had to offer to pay for.  With help like that - well it was a nice idea but we've already got the prizes so it's just more expense!

I'd better go to bed - have to be up in the morning so we can tackle the tricky bit of the seating plan and who sits next to whom... :-)

The Basement

Don't know what it is this morning but I'm back in the basement again and feeling pretty low.   Yesterday's meal was very nice but once again I really only got going after an hour or so.  

I can't quite work out why this should be but there you go, I'm just going to work my way through this and see if I can pull myself up.  

As it is December I think I will now concentrate on getting Christmas and the New Year out of the way and forget about the job (although no reasons not to stop planning).  I have plenty to do and if I get myself organised I can work my way through all of this.  

I can't really begin to explain what this is like other than a total weariness and a lack of enthusiasm to do anything.

December already

Strange feeling especially after having my second Christmas meal last night at a Lodge meeting I went to over in Surrey.  It was a lovely meeting and there were a number of Hungarian Masons there which was nice to see.  I ended up being asked to respond for the visitors, I tend to forget that those who have heard me speak are happy for me to get up and say a few words and compliment everyone which I managed to do admirably last night I'm pleased to say and even remembered my joke.... 

I used to keep a file of jokes - perhaps I ought to recommence that as I was worried whether I could magic a joke up.  I'm fine in casual situations as I can use what the group are saying to fire an idea.  Anyway that all went very well and I'm delighted that it did.  I have no idea though how these things go as I tend to concentrate on performance and not on reaction from the crowd but they said it was good so that's OK I suppose.

Good old Flocky Bicep picked me up and dropped me off which was also a bonus.

Later this morning we are off for lunch with the "Holiday Gang" - 3 couples, our children all grew up together.  We meet every Christmas Eve and the day after Boxing Day (our turn this year).  Gosh, we've known each other 22 years!  We arranged a number of holidays that were just great fun - we get on quite well together which is surprising considering how different we all are.  But it is nice to meet up, we don't so often these days - perhaps 4 or 5 times a year and 2 or 3 times at Christmas.

And it's December and one more delivery will complete my gift shopping.  I now need to get into wrapping, writing and cleaning mode.  I will start tomorrow doing that as I have a stack of things to finish off in quite a short space of time.

Thoughts of Dad

Funny that an evening interrupted by the odd thoughts and reminiscences - that's not at all a bad thing I reflect.

Mrs. F. said she was going out and so I reminded her that so was I - which came as a shock to both of us as neither knew the other was going out...... 

We are both out tomorrow meeting with some friends and that will be fun (I hope).

Better Day

It seemed to be a better day today and I'm a bit more positive and feeling a little bit better about things.  That was until I wrote, or rather started to, the family newsletter for insertion with the Christmas Cards.  I got to the bit about my dad and had to stop and just take 5 minutes to stop feeling bad about those last few days of his life.  I'll not forget what day it was and in many ways I knew when I left him the week before that it probably was the last time I'd see him, alive that is. Mind you I decided not to see him when I eventually got up there, in many ways I wanted to remember him in another way.  

I've almost finished the newsletter now and I guess these thoughts come and slap you around the face when you least expect them to.  It's getting towards Christmas - a time he loved - and he wont be there.  I'm going up in a few weeks for a couple of days - such is my diary that I'm blocked out a lot in the next few weeks and don't actually have a weekend free.  I've been out for most of the last two weeks as well which gives an indication of my diary.

Better Day

Ah, well the sun is out, it's mighty cold though and the frost hasn't gone yet except where the sun has dissolved it :-)

I'm still waiting for Christmas to arrive (my two outstanding parcels) but having missed my meeting this morning waiting in for them, L has now called and wants a lift from the station - which is fine but what if I miss my delivery?  I won't be happy about that at all.  

I've a better feeling about things at the moment and I put that down to the weather and to beginning to see various avenues open to me.  I am trying to put together a number of possibilities that will allow me to work on a number of projects at once.  The ideas just need to crystallise in my head a bit more before I test them out.  I'm hoping to pull together a way of commencing short and long term projects together which would balance income and allow me to work on the long term stuff ready for that to take over in due course.

Walk Forwards, Don't Look Back...

Not sure if that is right or not?  It's a thing I have difficultly doing anyway but there's a good point here about you can learn from what's happened but you mustn't dwell on things that perhaps you regret.  These things have happened and they are in the past and as much as you may regret decisions or outcomes, you cannot do anything now to change them.  You can of course learn and move on.

Behind lies a path that's trodden and is now history, it contains many good and some not so good times but it's the past.  They say your past can catch up to you and it felt a bit like that last night.  I felt myself staring at one of the young ladies (but I probably wasn't) as she looked so familiar to someone I knew 35 or more years ago.  It was a bit of a shock actually now I've had a chance to think about it.

Anyway, looking forward is the next thing and who can say what will happen and how things will pan out.  I feel that I'd like to have a different type of life to what I have now.  I want to spend free time doing pleasurable things and not having the one eyed god playing in the corner of the room.  Then again, I'd enjoy that but would other people - is that their vision and what they want out of life?  I fancy a place of fine wine, good sounds, nice food. good friends etc.  That just doesn't happen - getting in from work all stressed out and the last thing you want to do is to chill out (that's not me talking).

The way forward isn't fully clear to me but there's some key components that I'd like to see and these include spending time actually enjoying the time off work and when we are in the same house.  I've barely seen Mrs. F. for well over a week now and I admit it being a partial plan of mine to instil into both of us what it will be like for me to no longer be around once again like I used to be 10 years and more ago when I worked away and whilst that was happening, fed the family pretty well too.  No it's more for me to evaluate what being alone might be like and also for Mrs. F. to be reminded of the past and what it used to be like before I became ill.

I'm not advocating playing away from home but I am saying that absence is helping me think things through.  It's a bit annoying that I have to be at home tomorrow now as I really wanted to go to the History Society meeting in the Village. - I might sleep on that or hope that delivery arrives in the morning and I can get to go.

I'm now away from formulating strategies and into testing my hypothesis to see if it will fit.  

Shake Down

This morning I've chased up my last two presents - one is a replacement and one is outstanding.  That will then be all my presents sorted out.  I can now get on with the Newsletters and the Christmas Cards and just getting ready.

Another job came through today but this is the same ones who had the job in Wimbledon and never ever got back to me about it and do I've consigned it to the delete bin.  

I'm busy transferring tracks from cassettes (remember them?) to MP3.  This is quite easy using Audacity and just uploading them to my backup server thingy.  I have no idea if these are actually worth anything to anyone, I have hundreds of them lying around but not for much longer as I want rid of them.  I have a load of vinyl which also needs to be sorted out and recorded before getting rid of them too.  Some of them have a value and so I might try and sell them on.  Certainly some of the early Promos I have may be valuable to the right buyer.

I had a good night last night and I'm out again tonight, it's keeping me distracted I suppose.  I continue working on some ideas for the New Year and I hope that I'll have something finalised in the next few weeks or at least a way forward.  As I suggested before it requires things to be stable at this end to get on and do these things and it requires me to get my head into the right frame of mind too.

Music

Is my one fall-back and today I just hit the button and this came on:

"Fix You"

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face

And I...

Tears stream down your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face

And I...

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Now Coldplay are a band that you either like or not (Marmite) but I quite like them as a stadium band but this is one of my favourite songs.  It was one of the songs I listened to as I went for my operation - the first one - the one that saved my life.  Today it is as powerful as it was then, generally it grabs me and stirs me up and makes me cry but somehow in an uplifting way.  Strange that it should play tonight of all nights.  

Then this came on:

                                                                     "The Scientist"

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start.

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Don't speak as loud as my heart
And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

Ooooohhhhhhh [x4]

Exactly.  Blue eyes haunt me...