Not been a great day

Poor old Mrs. F. has had a horrible day today and can't keep anything down but at least she is sleeping now.  I'll hang around downstairs for a while and then try and get a bit of sleep - I've been disinfecting all day and running water up and down the stairs.  I've also managed to start to catalogue my DVDs at last and that's helped me to work out where some of them have gone (like in my daughter's room) and some I've lent out.  At least I can now track them.

I think I'm OK but haven't felt great all day - perhaps that's because Mrs. F. has been so ill.  I've cancelled tomorrow's party just in case I've got anything.  

Sleepy and heady

Ever worked right through the night?  Well if you have you'll recognise that slightly heady and very tired feeling you get.  I've had a couple of hours sleep I reckon but poor old Mrs. F. is throwing up regularly at about 1 hour intervals so after I've sorted out cleaning and resetting and then nodded off the poor woman is off again.

I don't feel good myself but then I've never liked to see anyone suffering.  I've forced some food down my neck, had my tablets and can definitely feel slight cramps in my stomach but that just might be something else - I sure hope it is.

I've cancelled going to a party for a friend tomorrow - if I'm carrying this I don't want them to catch it.  

On more mundane things I'm planning to get back to some serious diet and exercise in the New Year mainly because it makes sense to do so after the excesses of the Christmas period are gone.  I've been careful about what I eat but with 4 to 6 weeks of being out and about I've noticed a big increase in my weight and also in my physical appearance.  I'm also puffed out coming up the stairs etc and so out of condition.

I intend to get back to the Tim Ferris diet (a modified Atkins) and to get back to using my juicer, my exercise X-Trainer and Vibration Plate on a regular basis.  It just goes to show that when you get sidelined by an event it is quick to fall back into bad habits.  This time I actually hope to take my weight back to before I was ill and if possible back beyond that.  

Yes, it IS 2 in the morning

I'm up and awake as Mrs. F. has been ill for the past 2 hours or so.  Not good - looks like Norovirus to me and that's scuppered a number of things.  She wont be going to work like this in the morning and from what I've heard, despite all my clinical precautions I'm next in line for it as is young A as we have all been in contact this evening.  That also probably means that I ought to cancel going out on Saturday night as I may well be a carrier if not already have the damn thing by then....

That's one of the problems with Mrs. F. working with young children and also today was the school play so potentially anyone could have brought this in with them!  Oh well.

I'm not going to disturb her by trying to go to bed so I'm going to hunker down in the office a few yards away and I can at least fetch water, clean out buckets (yep - yuk) and try and keep the bathroom sprayed down with disinfectant etc.

It was all going so well up until then too :-)  I thought we had managed to miss it altogether.  

It appears that most people have been put on this earth

To p1ss me right off.  The craziest of which today was when asked to confirm my date and place of birth with a call centre (which getting to a live person past "speech recognition" suitable only for Martians and those of Eastern European dialect).  I correctly go my birthday right and where I was born but did sub-district, post town, region.  Then asked what my password was I said I didn't know.  They they suggested it was where I was born.  So armed with that I gave the 2 and 4th letters or each of the originally correctly answered questions before and guess what - there's no way it was any of them!

So when I had the conversation that how did they originally say where I was born was OK but now it was different I had to call back and speak to security.  What a pain as I asked for a direct line as I didn't want to go through all the nonsense a second time.  But yes I did have to go through it all but made sure that I spoke like a Ukrainian this time which appeared to work some of the time.   Eventually things were resolved but it was entirely unsatisfactory and I can see why Mrs. F. is normally loathe to leave me to deal with this sort of sh1t on a day-to-day basis.  

Surely there must be other pragmatic down to earth people out there :-)  Whoever thought of voice recognition on the phone needs certifying as the experience was painful to say the least and just serves to make customers angry.

Christmas is wrapped up and ready to rock and roll and I'm just completing copying over my CDs to my hard drive so that I can use that to stream music in the house.  Apparently my dad's collection is coming home with me next week (CDs, Cassettes and DVDs) I already have the record collection but have been unable to find a suitable buyer for that although there are some good albums in there.  Maybe in the New Year.

I suppose I ought to start moving all my Vinyl over to hard drive soon too - there'll be a lot of that to do I guess.  It also needs some attendance on the tracks as well to make sure that the record isn't jumping and to clean up the hiss and pops from the surfaces.

I have my accounts to complete as soon as it is the end of the year too so I may as well get started with those too as I have some time available.  It's actually nice not going out but that all changes again on Saturday...

All Wrapped

Yes - I managed to get all Mrs. F's birthday and Christmas presents wrapped up and stored away and I just have one more set of presents to complete - once I've worked out a little poem to go with them.

Other than that - I am busy ripping my CDs to my hard drive and onto a pen drive so I can play them on my surround sound downstairs.  I've now got the ability to stream music and film but don't have the devices to actually play them (to the quality I want).  I have a number of cassettes and vinyl records I need to transfer too at some point.

Later today I need to concentrate on my remaining tasks.  The company that I was meant to do the test for have now confirmed that I am waiting for them to get back to me (not vice versa).  I wonder do I really want to work for a company where this has happened.  Mind you it probably means that no one has questioned it before....

Somehow I need to start having a meaningful conversation about the future with Mrs. F.  neither of us has much time and I've been out and about for what feels like 4 or 5 weeks now and hardly around and so it is difficult.  However I need the conversation and to make some decisions.

Bait not taken

I decided not to go to London today - I'm a little bit wary about what the Charity want to talk to me about.  Mind you, I wouldn't rule out doing something active for them as long as I'm not expected to be in the office all the time.  But I digress.

I shall see what they have to say but probably in the New Year.  Actually a part-time role may be good and I've digressed again - you see the way my brain works filtering and reassembling to make things fit? :-)  

Oh well - now to make use of today and go and get presents wrapped up and sorted out ready for Christmas.  It is also Mrs. F's birthday and so we have to get things that are non Christmassy for her and then only after her birthday can decorations and the like go up.

Early back

Yikes the freezing fog has moved in and the lads went home early so leaving me to finish up my beer and come home - I managed to tip about a quarter of my beer over myself though - DOH!  Sticky beermat syndrome and the glass tipped rather than slid towards me drenching my notepad on which I was writing at the time and then wetting my knees!  So finished my beer, wiped up the mess and got home before I froze.  It is horrible outside and I haven't seen weather like this since the early 1980s when I had a particularly horrible drive and my car just kept icing up in a sort of ice storm.

It looks positively yuk at the moment.  I had a funny set of meetings recently with people from the charity I used to work for.  They want me to come and talk to them tomorrow at their party or Friday at the staff party.  No one is letting on what for but they are interested that I am "between jobs" at the moment.  Shall I take the bait?  I don't know.  Maybe I should just turn up tomorrow anyway.

Piano solved and cards done

Phew I think - it looks as if the Piano can finally go to its new home next week.  What a nightmare it has been and I'm feeling a bit guilty as I haven't touched it for ages it has just been sat up against the wall.

So that is now coming to pass and the Christmas cards are posted to all around the world and here in the UK.  Good.

Now to get down to wrapping the presents which I feel I ought to do tomorrow.

I was interested to read that a number of cancer patients go onto anti depressant medication.  I was reading of one lady who took them because of the huge changes the hormone tablets that follow on from Chemo have made to her.  I can understand this and I wonder if that's what I should have.  As my dad used to say he used to pop his "happy tablets"  I suppose I ought not to be too surprised that I now appear to be having these "head issues" more than I ever have done before. 

I'm out with my school chums tonight and that will cheer me up no end - we have lots of fun and we are all very comfortable with each others company - only good friends can be (funny) cruel to each other I find.  It's OK to be quite nasty I've noticed :-)

Anyway - it will be nice to get out and see the lads and start to Christmas run in from tonight onwards.  

A Doh Moment

I don't believe it!  I managed to send all the family history researchers the wrong newsletter having to then resend the proper one - DOH!  

Also getting sweaty on getting the second piano out of the house before Christmas - if it don't go then I will have to get rid of it somehow as there is no way it can actually reside in the same room as 12 of us for Christmas lunch - absolutely no way I can see especially as I also have units and a Welsh Dresser in the same place!  I need to get onto the case tomorrow and chase it up as I'm getting awfully nervous about it still being there and wrecking Christmas! Mind you I suppose it wouldn't actually wreck it but you never know.

I hate chasing people up but it has been 8 months since it was agreed that they'd take the Piano and so I'm getting slightly twitchy.

A guy I used to work with at the Charity has been pretty obtuse with me a couple of times now and wants me to attend the Presidents drinks party on Wednesday or the office party on Friday.  I think I may need to try and get to the bottom of what they are trying to do here.  It all seems a bit strange to me :-)  Maybe they've a job for me - who knows?

I'm still waiting for the other lot to get back to me with some sort of resolution to the problems I've encountered with their initial selection process email that asks you to do something but in fact doesn't actually work!  Having had a series of exchanges I wonder whether this company (one of the biggest in the world) really knows what they are doing or whether all other candidates have just not read the preamble.  

Tomorrow night - out with my school chums - looking forward to it immensely.   

Nice Article

I read this and felt that it might be useful if you know someone who has Cancer and want to help them this may help you get started with the right words and phrases.

LINK "What to write to someone who has Cancer"

There are some very relevant tips in here especially in relating your writing to the relevant area of the patient's journey (diagnosis, treatment etc).

Well that was nice

If not a little nerve fraying.  Mrs. F and I were President and President's Lady at my Stewards' Lodge Christmas Lunch.  It was a nice affair and we had the Provincial Choir there who kept us entertained beautifully with Christmas Carols and got us leaping about to the 12 days of Christmas.

I only had to say a few words but I was a little nervous to make sure I got the right words in.  Mrs. F. received a lovely bouquet of flowers so she was happy :-)  All in all a lovely day and we now have a more formal dinner in May 2013 to attend.

I find myself in a reasonable frame of mind at the moment and yet there's something nagging away making me just a little cautious.  I'm waiting to hear back from the company who want me to undertake these tests after a silly set of crossed emails that frankly I'd be mortified if I had sent them from my account.  

Lifted my spirits

I had a great day out today with some friends and had 12 hours of laughs and some serious stuff too, there was a brass band playing carols and we all joined in and that made it very Christmassy - and we got home at a decent hour too - at least an hour before normal allowing me to write this blog and be sober to boot!  That's pretty good as I'm normally a few more beers to the wind than this.

I like the lift I've got from that and need to carry it on for tomorrow.  I had to laugh today because after having confirmation that I wasn't going nuts and that the firm who want me to do the tests actually did have their web link broken (has no one else noticed this or have they blindly gone and done the tests?) and confirmed it in writing I got a "reminder" that I should do the tests to which I have politely responded that they have already acknowledged that their links are broken etc etc and round the mill we go again!  I will have some interesting information to discuss should I get to interview time.

I'm still unsure what I want to do but let's see where this leads me.  It could be in totally the wrong direction but then again - serendipity has always played interesting tricks on my life.

Printer Woes

I have three printers (I would wouldn't I?).  Being in IT I have copier printer, A4 colour laser and an A3 Inkjet.  There are a couple of other printers in the house but the three I have a networked together and work rather nicely, that is until they run out of ink/toner etc.

Both the colour laser and the inkjet are now in very low mode and the laser has stopped working - just when I need it to print out some more newsletters to send out to family and friends.  I'll be doing some more cards and newsletters when the new ink arrives in a few days.

At least I'm part of the way to being organised.  I'm waiting to hear from my daughter who is due back shortly and will need picking up and turning around so to get to an appointment. I've not heard back from the people who want me to do the test yet so I feel an email to them explaining that they haven't responded to my earlier email and that time is now ticking down on their deadline might be in order.  You can't believe some people's urgency levels.

I'm feeling OK - not too bad but perhaps a little flatter than I normally am but nowhere near as bad as I felt a few days ago.

Depression - Should you "snap out of it"?

Flocky and I met up and he castigated me for not calling on Tuesday when I was so low.  Interesting as the very last thing I wanted to do was to talk to anyone!  Flocky suggested he would be able to "snap me out of it" and that's interesting as he and I have both been to the depths of the Black Dog and so he knows a lot about this.  I feel somewhat naughty that I didn't call anyone and I've got lots of very nice and good friends who will gallop to the rescue - I just don't acknowledge how wonderful my friends are really - I don't deserve them do I? :-)

The bottom line is that you just turn into a self wallowing mass of introverted self serving goo and aren't really in any mood whatsoever to call anyone and let them in on the secret.  I wouldn't want to "phone a friend" if it meant emptying my guts out to them.  YES I know that is what friends are for but are they really?  I wouldn't want to burden my friends with it and yet I know that I've done that before for them.

Ho hum.  I was a lot better today, I thrive on the right sort of company and I have to say I'm really blessed with some lovely friends and many of them through Freemasonry.  The Masons have a number of particular rules that mean that you can call them and sort stuff out like I've just had.  They are like the Samaritans in many ways.  Whatever I said tonight was taken in and will not be repeated.  My friends suggested different courses of action but didn't dictate what to do they just listened and provided balanced feedback and a shoulder to cry on and someone to bounce ideas off, that's all there's no judgement calls or anything else what more could you ask?

We discussed Mrs. F's and My President's Christmas Lunch on Sunday and the running order and all that good stuff.  It's important that we have some idea of the structure even though the day may go slightly different to what we have planned :-)

I hope Mrs. F enjoys her day I really do.....

Printer Packed Up

Blast - I hope I don't need my laser tomorrow - I know I need my A3 to be ready for action for the table plan for Sunday.

I've done pretty well on card duty but ran out of newsletters which are slightly heavy on the blue (cyan) and so that has packed up - of course I did 60+ Carol song sheets for Sunday too so that depleted my supply.  Anyway, have ordered another but it could be a few days off - will just have to manage that's all.

A should be just about flying now off to Munich.  L has phoned me to say she is arriving tomorrow so I can do taxi service for her too.  

The very last present arrived today and so I'm now left to choose what ones are for Mrs. F's birthday and what for Christmas.   I know some of the answers but need a viewing to decide finally and then I can wrap those.  I have a lot more cards to write too but that should be OK as there is plenty of time for the UK ones.  

I had quite a few conversations today - I'm a lot better than I was Tuesday afternoon and evening and at least I have a partial understanding what it was (almost certainly my mum going to be checked out for cancer on Wednesday!) but that isn't everything that added together to make me feel that bad.  I know what I have to do and I'll sort things out.  Nice to know there are people who will listen and help out - I wasn't thinking like that at all when I was in the dark place on Tuesday.  

Up and About and almost enthusiastic

Almost :-)  Certainly I'm up and sat at my desk by 8 which is pretty good.  A is off to Germany a little later today to have a few days at the Munich Christmas Market.  I'm sure she will have a lovely time there.  It's nice to see her getting out and about now that her work has calmed down and her first contractual stint is over.  She had to work a number of months before getting holiday.  She has also booked to go to New York in the New Year, this time with her boyfriend (and not her crazy aunt) so she will be able to take in the museums and what she wants to do!  

I am out again tonight and I look forward to next week when I have a couple of days off.  It really is that crazy at this time of year.  The only night I wont be out is Friday night, Saturday and Sunday are full on long days.

The bathroom is now finished - apart from stuff that my brother-in-law can finalise for me.  Then it will be finally finalised!  As it is now it is more than adequate and the radiator gives plenty of heat to the room which is a little colder than it used to be through the floor tiles.

I should be on card writing duty today.  I shall get myself in the mood for that before taking A off to the station so she can travel to Heathrow and fly off to Munich.  I then have most of the day to sort these out.  I have decided to fill out a spreadsheet (I did it last year but lost my hard drive you may recall).  This time it will be backed up to my on-line storage system.

End of an Era

I started going to the Jazz night in 1988, I think in the May of that year because Mrs. F. came with me on the first two but not thereafter and I went on my own shortly after we moved into our present house in July 1988.  Tonight they called it a day and the last Jazz night was performed with just one of the original members in attendance.  It just isn't viable for him to travel the distance and the audience is getting smaller as the older ones die off and failing health grabs them.  

It's the end of that era and one that I've enjoyed very much but life goes on.  The members of the band will go on and do other things and there's talk of some of them coming back next year anyway to do something similar.  In the 24 years who could have predicted what would have happened and since then we've had children who have grown up and are at Uni and work.  We've had 6 elections and I've changed from working in construction to IT.  Lots of stuff has changed.  I was in my early 30s and things were just about to take off :-)

Yes, it is the end of an era.  The Piano player has cancer and his own battles to go and fight, of the initial members one has died and the others gone their own way, players have come and gone and once a month I've been able to go and see great musicianship at a cheap price, had some good beer and great company.  Of the 5 regulars that used to go there are only the 2 of us remaining.  Many of our number have come and gone.  It's a bit like life really.

I'm in a reasonably good mood at the moment, I've pulled myself out of some of the rut I was in and tried to work on some of my problems.  I hope that I can just work a little harder on keeping positive in these next few weeks.

Well that's a little better

They can't find anything wrong with mum so that's good - she thought she might have a lump in her breast but scans and checks all done and she is fine which is a weight of her mind and I guess mine - maybe that also added to my bad day yesterday.  Today is getting better.  I finished off the silicone in the bathroom and the pipes - a few hours and the ob was done and I've been putting it off for far too long! 

I will tackle Christmas Cards and Newsletters tomorrow and get those out of the way and then move on to wrapping presents and slowly work my way back into being active and getting things done.

I've also had time to do some planning and think things through which is also useful as I need to work out what I'm thinking of doing.  I've not heard back from the massive corporate as of yet - I will give them a day or so and then write once again and see if they've figured out that they have the wrong link on their email to me.  It's hilarious if you think about it.

I'm certainly feeling a lot better this afternoon than I was yesterday - let's hope that it stays that way.

Things aren't solved but it's better

Snow on the ground outside (would be worrying if inside I suppose) which wasn't expected last night in the weather forecast, and the start of a better day for me.  I haven't been as bad as yesterday for a very long time indeed.  I'm not brilliant today but yesterday was absolutely horrible.  The trigger, if there was one, was getting that "test" email through from the potential future employer and then seeing that they hadn't got part of it right.  Suddenly the ground opened up beneath me and I was in a horrible place.

The alarm bells going off should be asking why did that set me off.  It's obvious in my mind that I'm going for a job that I shouldn't be and doing it for the wrong reasons.  I'm trying to please other people and not myself and I'm also concerned that it's running away from the issues I'm trying to iron out.  There's one other thing that may also be playing on my mind and that's my mother is in hospital today to have a check up on an unusual lump and I'm sure that that is also playing on my mind too.  Having already lost my father to Cancer this year I'm not sure what I'd do if my mother was found to have cancer or something serious.

At least today I am a little more with it and feeling somewhat better than yesterday so one small reason to be thankful for a good nights sleep.

An Unexpected Outing

I didn't go to the ex-works do - I knew that I'd be in the totally wrong frame of mind and I'm up for a fight with anyone who will give me one.  I'm angry, upset, confused, tearful and generally in a very uncomfortable place right now.   I'm completely unstable emotionally and my logic isn't working properly and my spider senses are ringing bells everywhere.  

Out of the blue I got a text message.  I'd had a bath and tried to chill down and then had tea.  The text said a friend of mine was in town and would I like to meet for a beer.  Well yes I would.  I wasn't' right but let's meet anyway - I know I need to be out of the house.  Another very good friend was there too and I was able to just bounce some nonsense off of him tonight and that's been very good.  I'm in a bit of a mess here as I have a conundrum to solve.  I go for this high pressure job and it pays great and it takes me back 15 years into my high flying consultancy days but, as my friend reminds me, those were the days that led to my downfall in the first place, the high flying days burning the candle at both ends and the stress and the pressure actually may have been part of the cause of my cancer.  

That's actually in the back of my mind.  Also in the back of my mind is that I get back to where I live, eat and breathe.  Where I make a difference, where my career has meaning where I am valued and (let's face it) paid a decent wedge for what I know and what I can do for my customers.  But can I hack that life any longer and am I just going to use it to get out of the house for prolonged periods of time and not be here and just live the life?  There's the trap and there's the concern.  I may not be wanting this for the right reasons and using it as a means to an end.

Life at the moment is one of walking on egg shells, balancing on quick sand and trying to balance so many things at once that there is every possibility they will all fall to the ground at the same time.  All the balls cannot be kept in the air at once.  I'm in need of a hiatus but it isn't happening now in the short term.  It will have to happen soon though as I can't keep trying to balance all these permutations.  Oh well - time to get to bed and try and get some sleep - that didn't work at all last night - let's hope the addition of a few pints of beer will allow me to sleep through tonight.