Ten Minutes to the Off

Ten minutes until we head off to Hospital.  After the pre-assessment pointed out I had high Blood Pressure I had to arrange to get meds to sort that out and got a new Doctor in the process - one I actually like - he is serious and humorous at the same time if that is possible.

Anyway - here we go again - a Rigid Cystoscopy to see what the 'Re Mark' actually is - not long to wait to find out....

Assessment and Operation Days set

OK so I have to go to the Pre-assessment this Thursday at 3.  Of course it is in the Hospital with no real Car Park!  How can they have rebuilt it with less car parking?  The operation is scheduled for the 25th January and a start time of 07:30 and you can bet that I'm going to get this checked this time as the last two times as well as on other occasions I've been there and not had the procedure until the late afternoon all under 'nil by mouth' conditions.  I'm not having that again as it is just stupid to dehydrate someone who actually needs to get passing liquids through them as soon as possible after the procedure!

I'm glad that the Cytology is all clear - that bodes well for the operation and any biopsies they may take.

Mixed Results

Now this has happened before so I'm not overly concerned apart from the whole going back through the procedure all over again.

The mixed results are that the Cytology shows all clear, yet the Cystoscopy shows a small red mark although everywhere else is clear. Upshot is an operation in the New Year for a biopsy to be taken. It has happened twice before when they operated they found nothing there so let's hope that is what they find this time. Still let's be upbeat about this they don't take chances and even though it is uncomfortable it is far better than the alternative.....

Judgement Day

That was nice, got a call to book the appointment although they then changed the date but an early one this time 08:15 and back at the Private Hospital as the equipment isn't working at Beckenham Beacon and so it is Shirley HIlls which means I can get parked and it is nicer so I feel a lot less stress there.  I also know it will be my Consultant who will do the procedure so again, it all means that things will go smoothly.

18th December at 08:15 - here's hoping for a winning streak and another all clear.

Where's all the time gone?

It's been a long time since I wrote here.  All is well, I feel good and I'm getting on with my life.  Today, for the first time in a very long time, I felt all tearful for no reason whatsoever.  It was very strange indeed and whilst I had a reminder about how ill I looked some years back :-) that was a few weeks ago.  I don't think much about my past problems at all these days.  It hasn't gone away, it's just that I don't dwell on it any more.

So I wandered back over to here to report the strange occurrence - which I have to say took me back somewhat as this hasn't happened for a couple of years.  Of course then I realised that I'm away this weekend and it's around 2 years ago that I separated from Mrs. F.  How time flies.  Is it to do with that old life I finally broke away from I wonder?  

I missed that

For the first time in a long time I've realised that I'd forgotten the date that I first showed signs of Bladder Cancer (it was the 2nd July I remember that).  I think that I'm now getting to that tipping point where current things are more important than the past and I am beginning to forget the past and leave it behind me.

I remember every now and then of course I do when I hear someone else talking about their own problems I remember mine for example but it isn't holding me back any longer and neither is it guiding my future like it did.

I suppose I could go and look it up and see what year it was or I could calculate it but frankly - I'm not bothered to do it - it isn't really important.  What IS important is that I am still here, I survived and I am going forwards and I'm still in reasonable health I like to think.

All Clear Once Again - Delighted With Progress

It is amazing to think that It's been almost 9 years since I was diagnosed.  I went back today to that same Hospital (the first time since) and I'm delighted to say that once again my flexible cystoscopy was all clear.  That's just great news and must be 7 years since the last signs (despite the two false positives resulting in operations that found nothing).

So it's all continuing to look good and long may that continue.

Surprised that it's been so long

My word, it's been 3 months since my last posting here.  To say I've been somewhat busy is an understatement but life's changed (again) and I'm fully occupied on a few projects and that's OK.  

Within the next few weeks things should change once again and I can set course on a new direction.  I'm perfectly healthy and feel great but losing a few friends this year has been difficult as it "wakes me up" to realise how lucky I've been myself and that I'm still here.  They were not so lucky, if indeed luck has anything to do with it.....

Is It Really That Long? Anniversary and a Sad Day

It is 1 year and 2 days since I moved out of the old house.  I didn't think I'd be here for a year but here I am and there's little chance of moving on as the house fell through just before Christmas and we have to start all over again.  With my stuff in storage my finances become stretched but there you go.

The business www.unlockmypast.com is now launched and I've been doing real work this week on Cine and VHS conversions plus some photo scanning so that's great.

Yesterday was not so great as a friend lost his battle with Bile Duct Cancer.  Just 48 years old and a lovely, beautiful man he was too.  It's somehow unfair that the "good guys" tend to get ill and die. 

In other news after a 6 year battle in one case and a 5 year battle in another and a 1 year battle - I finally got the bank to change all three accounts (and link them together).  You cannot believe the utter utter nonsense I've gone through with this.  I've one person left 6 years ago and they are still sending stuff to him.  Another one died and "No, I'm sorry I can't get him to sign the mandate to change".  I've been awfully patient as the call centre chap said to me.  Of course, it makes me angry but it's no use getting all upset with these things any more.  All I do now is take a breath and just keep it friendly and level tempered and finally I got the results needed.

My health is good and I would though rather have been looking to move to my own place soon.  Unfortunately that isn't going to happen and renting is expensive so I could do with getting that sorted out.

I hope that I can attract some more business but as usual it is difficult to do sales and operate the equipment at the same time so life is busy for sure.  It's nice to get some work under my belt though and I feel I've really achieved something this week.

I hope my next blog is a little sooner than a month like this one! :-) 

Christmas In A Box

I think I've done my usual this year and got everything delivered to me.  I don't get the "attraction" of pounding around crowded shops to buy your Christmas Gifts when someone has set up a business that allows me to see what I want from the comfort of my own home and allows me to have Christmas come to me, including all the food too.

Today, the food arrives and the last of the presents (I hope).  I am looking forward to symbolically turning the corner and getting aligned for 2015.  I've given over this year and rightly so.  It's time to chill out and relax and then to be ready for 2015 and moving things onwards.  

Of course the 1st January is a day just like any other day but you can use it to make changes I think and from that point of view it will help to get rid of the old and bring in the new.  

I did find last year quite a strain and it was all a bit "put on" as I knew what was happening even if half the people didn't!  New Year was horrible but this year it will be better even though I'm not "in my own home" as this place is a halfway house not a home.  

So here it comes, Christmas in a box and we have a couple of things to do and then we can press on and tackle 2015.  

Still Around

Well - that's over a month without posting here.  I guess there isn't a lot to say as I'm busy launching the business.  Other people are busy having their own fight against Cancer and me?  I'm doing fine, getting on with life and things are happening but altogether slowly at the moment.

The house sale fell through and I ended up with all my stuff in storage and so I'm hemorrhaging cash at the moment until the house gets sold.   I'll have been here a year next month and that doesn't seem quite possible but there you go - a year ago I was hunting for a flat. 

Christmas will be with P and her family which will be nice.  Looking forward to that and New Year we are off to a Hootenanny which once again I'm seriously looking forward to.

Next year is going to be different, I can feel it in my bones.  I just need to get my head around the business and move on - it's not difficult to do that it is however fragmented as the odds and ends that need tidying up get sorted out.  The segways they take you on sometimes hardly seem worth the immense effort expended (yes I'm talking to you HMRC).

And Another

It seems to be a bad year as another friend has Cancer and this time it's Prostate and needs an operation.  I wonder if that's why P was worried about me - I was sitting down and in my own little world and flashing back to everything that happened to me and then trying to imagine what my friends will have to go through.

You so quickly forget what it was like and I think the mind/brain is very good at locking this stuff out but when you go back and dip in you remember the frightening bits, the worry, the discomfort (for they have stuff for pain), the re-living of all those whom you've known have Cancer and the good and bad bits of course.  You can't actually be human if you don't actually know someone who has suffered from, is being treated for or has died of Cancer.

So this week's been very strange for me as I've remembered things (no doubt recorded in the early parts of this blog) that I'd suppressed and hidden.  Having been through (I think) it is 11 or 12 operations with Bladder Cancer and about the same number with my ear problems when I was a kid it I can relate to what is going to happen to my friend and my other friend having Chemo I can understand his dilemma too, I think I had 36 Immunotherapy treatments.  I can't now recall how I felt at the time as my head has destroyed it.  I can read about it but I don't actually relive the experience and that's so strange.

Operations and treatments are intensely personal experiences and you live through them and sometimes they aren't what you were expecting and whilst I was pretty grossed out to have tubes in and out of my body and all sorts of strange things shoved into me it was necessary and my medical team were there to heal me and get rid of the Cancer.  The treatments I recall were in many ways worse than the operation to remove the tumours.  

The operation is over and done with and you wake up with the work done whilst you weren't awake.  Sure you feel groggy as hell and you have sufficient pain killers to make sure you don't feel bad and you can always ask for more etc.  Treatments tend to be done whilst awake and come one after the other meaning just as you recover from one, you feel great for a day before they treat you again and you go back to feeling rough again.  I likened it being kicked in the balls once a week for six weeks. Just as you got over one you went back and started all over again.

Yes it's been a strange week remembering my history of operations and treatments but having said that it was uncomfortable and if you've read some of the earlier stuff you'll know that it's no easy ride and it isn't for wimps.  I was a wimp to start with but I wanted to be cured and I wanted to live.  I was determined to see the treatment through and trusted in my consultant and the team (with a few documented exceptions).  

Overridingly though, I'm still here and it's got to be 8 years and around 6 years clear.  Every minute, hour and day takes me into longer being clear, less likelihood of recurrence and a fitter healthier life.  

I've now a new lady in my life and life is really exciting again.  It's a little rocky as we've both got baggage but who wouldn't have after 50 years on the Earth :-)  I can see a life ahead of me that I wouldn't have had had it not been for the dedication of my health team and the care I was given.

It's a rocky road and your head interferes and messes with your senses and the little voice in your head tries to depress you but don't listen to all that.  Today's techniques and drugs and more of us living through Cancer should be encouragement.

I was re-reading a book the other day and it reminded me that Cancer cannot survive in alkaline and sugar free environments.  I do need to go "eat my own dog food" though as I haven't been adhering to my diet for the past 6 months and I must get back to it. 

Good luck to my friends in their treatment though.  The big lesson from being under the NHS was that it is a wonderful organisation but it moves at its own speed you cannot rush it.  Likewise it takes longer than you think to recover and get "back to normal" so don't try to rush it and don't do what I did by rushing back to exercise and putting myself back weeks.

Then a Friend Gets Cancer

And it all comes flooding back and no matter how hard you try it affects you.  My friend has Bile Duct Cancer and needs chemotherapy before they can do anything.  It's not a great situation especially as they told him he didn't have cancer and then changed their minds....

He's a lot younger than I was when I got Bladder Cancer.  I had a chat with him earlier in the week and he's in good spirits and we chatted generally about treatment, time taken to get things done and his pain management.  I was suggesting that he might like to get some soups and the like in as may not actually feel like eating after treatment.  Let's hope he does OK and everything works out.  As he is young they (the professionals) are throwing the book at him.

It's made me feel quite strange this week.  Bile Duct is quite a rare Cancer and so let's hope that they sort him out.  The worst part is his brother died just a month or two back of a brain tumour.  He had to go tell his dad that he had cancer.  How awful.  

Flexible Cystoscopy - All Clear and No Stinging

I thought I'd write this quickly as for the first time ever, I've not had any stinging or any pain following my flexible Cystoscopy so maybe this may help for anyone in the future going through it.

Firstly, it is most important that you relax when having the procedure.  Today I was with my new friend and partner P who accompanied me (I normally go alone).  SHe is a very calming influence but we talked about yoga breathing and so I did my usual deep breathing exercises breath in, hold for a long slow count of three and slowly exhale.  Whilst I knew I was tense I made a real effort to de-stress as I went into the room.  Relaxing isn't easy I grant you but I'm an old campaigner now and I know what to expect.   

I use stress balls to grip onto but I relaxed my body.  It feels like you want to urinate when they put the scope in and so I just went with that as if I was urinating and just let it go.  Things were fine even my consultant noted how relaxed I was.  The whole procedure was over and done with - it was as usual uncomfortable but not painful.

P told me to use Arnica which is what she used with her eye operations.  I'm a bit of a sceptic but had two lots (2 tabs under tongue) last night, One lot first thing and one just before the procedure (alongside my usual 2 paracetamol and 2 ibuprofen).  I had two more as I was driving home and I have to say it seems to have worked wonders.  I have just been to the toilet and lo and behold no intense stinging at all.  You can feel it is different but no stinging which is amazing as I've never had that before.

So there we go - another 6 months, another all clear and life carries on - which is great.  

Belongings

I popped around to see Mrs. F. who has sold the house and has found a new place, a lot smaller, to live in.  I feel bad about it but there you go, it's progress.  I had to be in attendance to make sure that the Piano was moved out and it has gone to its new home in Sussex.

I then had to go through a lot of my stuff to see what I want to keep and so on.  I've taken photos and so on to allow that to happen.  As Mrs. F. will move to a smaller place there is a lot of furniture that she just wont need - it wont fit and I'm not sure about the total cost of storage for it either.  It's a bit of a catch 22 as I want to keep my books but do I want to store the bookcases.  In a few months the cost of storage will reach the cost of buying new.... So I'm having to do an exercise to rationalise all these thoughts.  I do hope to keep the Victorian Table and Chairs - it seats 14 and is built, as were all things in those days, to last.  

At least things are moving on that front.

Judgement day looms and I hope that it goes well for what else can you do?  I'm not being as rigid with my diet as I should but I'm back to losing weight gradually and sensibly now that P is healthy and has put some weight back on.

I've also been lumbered with a number of little jobs that are stealing my time when I should be launching my business....  The worry is that the money I have left is evaporating a little too fast for my liking but it is controllable - just.  More effort after this week is essential.

Six Days to Judgment Day

Judgement Day (shamelessly stolen from Steve's blog HERE!) is just 6 days away.  I can feel the tension rising.  I know that I've actually not stuck as rigidly to my diet as I should have although I'm now getting back on track.  It's very difficult to be looking after someone and feeding them up and at the same time trying not to feed yourself up.

Both P and I have been in the wars as such and She will be attending Hospital the day before me to see how her Cataract Operation has worked out.  She doesn't think it is anywhere near an improvement which is a worry as after her Detached Retina Op, the Cataract grew rapidly :-(

The next morning it is my turn to get checked out.  I can feel some tension no matter how "well" I feel.  It is interesting though that for the past few weeks I've been having the hot flushes I had when I had treatment - that's weird indeed.

Life is indeed crazy and we were away this week to Cambridge to see L my youngest daughter's Graduation - which was a wonderful affair although she managed to send me to the wrong end of Cambridge altogether so I had to rush to get to the Ceremony in the centre where I hadn't long been before.  It was a day of being in the wrong place at the wrong time as P was then waiting for me in the centre of Cambridge and I was back on the outskirts as the second part of the celebrations were held on Campus.   

It is always nice to be in Cambridge though, I like it but I'm not sure I'd like to live there, it is just so busy with tourists, locals and of course, students.

What On Earth Has Happened To Me

My life is in utter turmoil - lol.  Goodness knows I don't know what day it is, what month it is or anything some days and the emotional roller coaster of being back in a relationship is not doing my INTJ personality any good at all.  

I'm not very good on the emotional (someone else's) point and things are often awkward and difficult as I just don't "get" what the problem is.  It's very difficult when you hear a statement and take it on board rather than emphasising with that person.  I mean, if you have a headache and tell me well that's a fact and that's that.  Apparently not!  I'm meant to do something with that data rather than just noting it.

Maybe I'll get the hang of that later on in the relationship.  It's pretty much up most of the time with the occasional OMG moments....

I'm sure it will be OK in the long run - if I ever work out what the signals actually are :-)

Where is time going to?

Back from France, went up North to my cousin's for his 40th birthday then he came down here. P had her Cataract operation on Tuesday and now I've got my Flexible Cystoscopy on the 24th October at silly O'Clock - well it is 9:15 but it is at the same place I went to last time and so I need to make sure I get there on time.  It is a bit difficult as it is near Croydon which can be a bit busy at rush hour.

The last time I went was earlier this year and I got there nice and early and sat in the car with my music so it wasn't so sad.  This time P says she will come with me - not sure about that as I've been on my own many times before and I'm a bit quiet and grumpy - oh well let's see how that goes.

Head spinning times

Good grief where did that month go?  France for 2 1/2 weeks, a quick turnaround and off to my mum's then on to my cousin's.  What a month.  It doesn't stop there, we are off again to Canterbury for a wedding soon too......

In amongst all of this I'm about to launch www.unlockmypast.com and at the same time P and I are having serious discussions about the road ahead!  It's time for some key decisions about what we want to do, where we want to go and so on.  It's a matter of nailing our colours to the mast and just getting on with it.  From my side I'm beginning to squeak as my money goes out and little comes in although I do have my first 2 paid jobs! At least it is a start and I'm hoping that P & I can get this up and running fast.  We are also looking at the long term and what we want.

Mrs. F. has put the house up for sale and let's hope that it gets some interest.  It would be good if we can get some takers and perhaps I can then start to sort myself out on that front too.

Anyway - it's nice to be busy and it's nice to finally be getting somewhere with the business but the social life is really getting in the way - I just haven't stopped for months - it's great but so time consuming too :-)

Onwards and upwards and let's also hope that my Cystoscope appointment will come through quickly too.  I really want to get that over and done with sooner rather than later.

Try Before You Buy?

I got in BIG trouble for saying that but in some ways I felt that P would be able to see me in a different/new light on holiday and could make her mind up about me.  In some ways I suppose it is a bit of a crude way of saying that it was a bit of an acid test.

Well, we didn't kill each other but neither was it totally plain sailing either, it wasn't likely to be we are quite similar/different (yes I know).  We are very similar in some ways and diametrically different in others.  But having said that, it is never going to be plain and simple - ever.

We had a great holiday in the French Pyrenees with some amazing times and lovely memories especially driving through the Gorges around the studio where we stayed.  We start next week (we have to go to a 40th Birthday this weekend and so are off again!) building the business and I hope a new life.  We are certainly far more comfortable with each other and chilled after the holiday but wished that it could have been a week or perhaps even two longer.

We had a small, intimate Studio apartment, a small plunge pool and were in a very small, off the beaten track French Village of just a few dozen inhabitants and the occasional car would drive by counted on the fingers of one hand in a day.  Just idyllic and just right.

I'm now doing 15 days washing and ironing :-) There's always a down side.

Whilst I was away the Hospital rang with an Appointment for a Flexible Cystoscopy resulting from a cancellation - that was a shame because I would have taken that but now have to wait my turn.  P had her Cataract operation cancelled and moved back a few weeks now too and so we will both be having procedures in around October I guess.

Here are some photos of the Studio.....