Terminator II - Judgement Day

Tomorrow that is....

I should be told tomorrow that I am redundant. No "I'll be back" although, I suppose that is always possible; it has been a rather stormy courtship.

Next to get my dark glasses and leather gear on - "Hasta la vista, baby!" - I'd make a great Arnie - maybe not then...

Panic Over I Think

That was a worrying 48 hours. I really hadn't expected the level of fear I felt that somehow the tumour was back or some such thing. I reckon it is a bit irrational anyway as these things don't grow that fast and I doubt they would have survived much given the treatment before Christmas.

I'll still keep checking and I can calm down a bit now. It really was quite alarming.

So far so good

No sign of blood at all today thank goodness. I will still be keeping an eye on things though - you can't be too careful with this.

Fright Night

Last thing at night. Was that blood in my urine? I wasn't sure, I had flushed the toilet.

There is nothing quite as terrifying as then having to wait until the next time you go to check. It may well have been but thank goodness this morning there is nothing.

The brain just runs wild - "what if I have to start treatment all over again?" "another operation?" "treatment has failed" etc. It is far more frightening than I would ever have thought.

I'll obviously be keeping an anxious eye open for any signs in case I wasn't mistaken. Anyway, all seems to be settled this morning and I am back to a normal yet slightly heightened state this morning too :-)

Disappointed

With myself sometimes. I need to snap out of my current lethargy and move a number of things on. The trouble is that there are so many things to do and I am an easy touch when it comes to helping people out that I leave my own tasks behind and work on someone elses to my detriment.

I thought that I had changed a bit more than this and had become a little bit more self centred and selfish. I must try harder to do the things that are important here and to say no more..

My Bladder Cancer Journey: Kylie & Me

My Bladder Cancer Journey: Kylie & Me

BBC NEWS

Kylie & Me

Kylie has pulled out of her UK dates because she has Flu and I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't trying to do TOO MUCH. You see, I want to prove, like Kylie, that I'm alright and that I am as fit as I ever was and that "I'm back to normal" and so on. The truth really is that you may feel great but your body will soon catch up and kick you back down if you are not.

It is actually a long road to recovery and we shouldn't forget that. We try to take on too much in an effort to believe that we are back to where we were before it all started. My drive to Yorkshire and back took two days but I estimated that it would. I felt that, no matter how good I felt, I'd probably over estimate how good I really was. I could conceivably have got there and back in a day but 8 or more hours in a car would really be pushing my luck. So taking it easy was a necessity.

The exercises I am doing I am limiting to 5 or 10 minutes a day not a full hour workout. The reasons? You cannot go straight in at full effort - the reason you need the exercise is to build you back up towards your previous weight and fitness levels or even to improve on those. In the short time I have been doing this I can feel the muscle groups beginning to respond and the slight twinge as muscles that haven't done much for months start to get used properly again.

So Kylie and Me - we both need to be a little realistic and to try not to run before we can walk.

Good News / Bad News

I touched on this before. Many of the web sites you go to have people who, necessarily, will be having a lot of trouble with their diagnosis and treatment and are looking for kindred souls and they share experiences etc. I think I am right in saying that it can only be a very few who do that. We are not all Internet users through and through, it would seem a waste of their time to look for information let alone to share it and I came to the conclusion that not too many people who had had Bladder Cancer would be on line.

As a sufferer, I was expecting to go online and find out what was wrong with me, what the chances were (yes you do) and see what other people had gone through. In reality you are looking for uplifting survivors stories. You don't often see them. Sure you can get the statistics and you can hear remarkable stories but generally these are people with far more aggressive or advanced Cancer than yourself. I think I said that it made me depressed rather than uplifted.

Well today that changed as at last I found someone with the same diagnosis as me, the same history of operations etc and who is about a year in front of me in terms of where the disease is at. They were possible slightly more advanced in how near they were to having their bladder removed, like less than a mm! The good news is that their BCG worked and now they are on maintenance therapy which is brilliant news. SO finally, a real person who has had this and bothered to put it on the web for all to see - that is more like it.

I wonder whether I need to one day work out the balance of whether you want to find uplifting stories, the reality (statistics) or something else. I can't think like that yet - perhaps later.

An unexpected lunchtime trip out

It was a nice excursion. Friend called - has a half day, fancy some lunch, another friend nearby joins in and a few beers and a spot of lunch and a chat. spur of the moment things always seem to be better than those you could plan. I suppose there is no need to plan and think about it and so without time, no way to set expectations. I have to stop this psychobabble stuff, it was only going out for a beer after all - noting spooky in that!

What are the side effects sypmtoms etc

I still feel a little sore around my stomach area and I am adding to that by doing more exercises and stretching and getting back in to shape. It isn't painful, just there in the background. I don't appear to be going to the toilet anymore than usual at night now nor do I have the sudden need to rush to the loo like I did when I had the BCG treatment - all that has settled back to normal. The anxiety of going to the loo has passed and yet I always look and check for blood even now.

I feel better than I have felt for a number of years. The trouble, if there is any, at the moment is a sort of hypochondria. By that I mean there is an anxiety about anything that may be wrong with me. So an ache or a slight cough or anything like that becomes high anxiety stuff. I can give myself sleepless nights thinking about surviving one and getting "done" by another form of cancer. Morbid, probably unrealistic but you tend to think like that.

Other mental stuff is I am more extrovert than I have ever been and I have got past worrying too much about what people think about me although I can sometimes regret being so "overpowering" in a conversation. I am trying to stop that and I am trying to stop being "me, me, me" although that is difficult because it is all about me after all and if you have had cancer you'll probably understand that and if you haven't you have to forgive that sort of behaviour. It is not bragging rights it is more that you go through some "interesting" stuff which is quite challenging and I think you need to share the load or get it off your chest or something.

Right - anything else? If you change your lifestyle then you'll notice other changes which are dramatic to start with and then routine afterwards. Increasing my fruit and fibre intake has had an interesting effect but settled down now and I'm feeling better for that as well.

The black moods and massive mood swings are far less these days and I feel that the outlook is good. I still occasionally get very choked up when I see certain things on the TV, things that wouldn't normally make me cry or get a lump in my throat tend to now. I guess it is some sort of empathy with their suffering that I am feeling. I certainly wouldn't wish what I have had on anyone else no matter who they were as it is a combination of mental anguish and physical hurt. On reflection it may be character building and interspersed with some humourous moments but that is far from the truth in reality. The treatments are not optional, you can't chose not to have one of them etc.

I'm in between treatment and the next visit to Hospital in March - nothing is really happening that I can feel or see and the body is fighting its own battle in my bladder to see off the Cancer that remains in there. I can't tell or feel what is going on but that doesn't mean nothing is happening I guess. So I feel and look as healthy as I have done and the only thing now is to wait and that is its own problem as you just don't know how well you've done until a couple of weeks after the operation although (I believe) the Surgeon can give you some idea as there is a change in colour/texture that is sort of an indication.

So all is OK at the moment - almost a normal life now and interestingly enough I am getting more active than I have been for a good few years. My attitude to life (the universe and all that) has also changed I think for the better but I still don't suffer fools gladly.

Not a lot about Bladder Cancer is there?

I suppose after a while you get used to it. I still think about it all the time though. Yesterday lifting the machine and assembling and using it were all slight worries but you have to get back to normal - whatever normal may be. I have enough other things on my plate this week to have put most of that behind me.

I haven't really got much more to add about symptoms and all that at the moment, I feel quite well in myself still and I am gradually getting my strength back. I just wished I was getting my waist line back - I suppose that will take a little longer.

Grumpy Old Man

I have finally made it I can officially call myself a Grumpy Old Man now.

Today on a running desktop RSS feed ticker of News - NEWS mind you. came a gem about some minor "person of notoriety" I vomit if I have to say the word "celebrity" probably a D or E list one as I doubt anyone who has a pubic hair has actually heard of him. Apparently this little jumped up twerp stormed out of making a TV show because someone made fun of his wife who was also someone I'd never heard of before. HELLO BBC - this is not front page news, nor is the news that some baggage got thrown out of the Big Brother house. I am sure there are far more important things going on in the world than some over paid thick ignorant nobody walking out of a studio. If you are that upset just withhold his payment.

On a more serious note the third redundancy I've heard about this week is David Beckham - He is going to lose his job and I have no idea how he and his family will be able to make ends meet.

Exercise Equipment WORKS

I am absolutely knackered, got the machine upstairs and had to assemble it, was in quite a sweat and must have lost a stone building it. Wonderful, I'll go and order another and get some more exercise now or have I missed the point?

Unexpected Problem with Exercise Equipment

Just arrived and sitting in the Hall!

It took two big blokes to carry it in to the house and it is a big package and at 56Kilos it could cause some interesting moments with me trying to drag it up the stairs.

Now if I was fit I could do that but then if I was fit I wouldn't need the equipment in the first place so......

I might have to wait until my youngest daughter is back from school - she could lift it :-)

Calm Down - Calm Down

I must remember that not everyone has the same enthusiasm I do for solving problems, project management, the intricacies of tacit knowledge management etc. I must learn to calm down and not be quite as explosive, pushy, know it all and so on.

Even if I DO know it all :-)

Back Home

And just confirmed what I said earlier but, officially they have to do this. I wore the "I'm not dead Tee Shirt" - it works at so many levels I think. Anyway, it was a pleasant and civilised affair. I think that they really feel bad about it but it has to be done. There was hardly a soul at the office and it was quite eerie.

Anyway, I have 3 months notice so I cannot complain really. Who knows what will happen next week. 2007 has turned out to be quite exciting. Oh yes, the journey was tiring but with my "posh car" it wasn't that bad - it felt like taking my armchair out for a drive.

I now have to wait until next week for the final final final confirmation.

One of "Those" days

Today will be - I have a meeting online in a few minutes and then will have to travel about 225 miles to stay in a Hotel to go and meet my bosses tomorrow to be told officially what is going on. It seems an awfully long and expensive exercise to be told that your services are no longer needed. It makes you wonder how they could ever have gotten into difficulties in the first place! Last bit to spat out with some sarcasm please :-)

The blog may go quiet for a day or so....

Exercise

I got a call to say my exercise machine will arrive on Thursday so when I get back from my trip I'll be able to set up my gym and get down to some work to get fit again. I can't say I was ever super fit but I was reasonably in shape and I feel like a beach ball at the moment. I seem to have put a massive amount of weight on around my stomach and a little around my chin as I can see that.

I can't see if "My Bum looks big in this" thank goodness. I am now just checking to make sure that I exercise in the proper way, ensure that I take my BP and other readings and also try not to overdo it.

An old Project Management saying is that it takes a woman 9 months to have a baby - you cannot speed up the process by impregnating nine women to have a baby in a month (I know try telling THAT to New Labour!). Anyway - the exercise is a gradual and progressive thing - I can't expect to go crazy for 10 hours and come out with the body beautiful!

Melancholic

I think that is the word I am looking for. It is how I feel right now. I'm accepting all that is happening around me and what is just about to happen and I'm feeling a little sad about it but at the same time I have a resolution that it is just another thing to meet and move on with.

I think once I get the definitive yes or no and the figures and the terms and conditions thrust in front of my face on Wednesday then I can figure out what I can do about it. As I've learnt these days it is no good second guessing things and it is no use worrying about them - that's rubbish because I am going to have some anxiety of course but I don't need to get quite as stressed out as I was earlier on with the condition or anything else that was happening to me. The trick is to try and relax and just let it ride over you. I mean it's not as if you are actually physically hurt when you lose your job. Anyway, I just have this slight nag of melancholy at the moment. Perhaps that will be gone come Thursday.

Not Just Me

I just found out another friend of mine is also facing redundancy. It really is a sign of the times these days I suppose. I remember leaving school and listening to my father and others about having worked at their companies all their lives and being proudly shown a watch or mantle clock as proof. I think the longest I ever lasted at one company was 7 years. the shortest only a matter of days. It was what made me take up the contracting role and start my own business - at least then change would be a constant and risk and reward could be properly balanced out.

Of course when you run your own business you can't exactly make yourself redundant but there you go - you can't have everything.

Anyway, I hope that he gets sorted out as well - whilst it is one of those things - you really don't need all that pressure and all of those problems landed on you at any time let alone straight after the Christmas period.

Someone was making noises about this was "all I needed after the illness" bu actually it really isn't that big a deal. I said your attitude on life changes and this really is one of those things you look at and sort of say "Is that all you've got?" - "Go on, do something that really hurts me". You see, you can't really hurt me anymore, last year I lived through some of the worst moments of my life and whilst I am certain there can be worse moments, losing your job really isn't that high up the Richter scale.

Why Not

Just do what we used to do when redundancy came around. Get the people you were going to make redundant, one at a time, give them their marching orders, get the security guard to go to their desk with them and pack their stuff and send them home. End of story.

this consultation process (so what bit of a consultation can you do with 50 odd people?) is a nonsense and disrupts everyone. Now say you were "at risk" but managed to consult and keep your job - just how would you feel? It tends to disturb the whole business and that is a major issue especially as you are already in the sort of position that means you have to get rid of 20% of your work force.

I'd rather know straight away and have it over and done with than all this mucking about. I suppose that would be some PC rubbish about affecting my human rights though - they've all gone mad :-)

Motivation

Or lack of it more like it. I've made a couple of phone calls and sorted my e-mail, started a couple of documents and I just don't feel like doing anything right now. I've stuck on the radio and really cannot get myself motivated to do anything at all right now. If I could get up the enthusiasm I'd try to achieve a good level of apathy but I just can't manage even that today!

Snatching Defeat from the Jaws of Victory

I have no doubt that there will be some repercussions in the coming weeks and months at work but I can imagine the dilemma facing everyone when you actually need sales and yet it is that part of the organisation that is not performing.

With one exception I've always felt that they looked at me as if I was from Mars when I spoke to them and it is one of those things as you get older. You have years of experience (that is what you are employed to bring to the job) and half the time people thing you are a raving loony or don't know what you are talking about. Which in fact brings to mind one of my favourite sayings which I have used in anger many, many times:


"Don't you ever get tired of being wrong?" It normally stops them in their tracks. I suppose it is politically incorrect these days to bring someone's defects into sharp focus like that. I'd better watch my step in case they fire me.

A New Beginning

Sounds like Star Wars doesn't it?

I was thinking that this potential redundancy may actually be a bit of a Godsend really. Don't get me wrong I actually love my job and I'm going to be pretty upset to go but I have to accept that - this is the way it is. There are the rest of the employees to consider after all said and done too.

Anyway, I was thinking, this gives me the opportunity to do something different - NO not working at B&Q - I reckon Joe Public and I would be having too many rows :-) Perhaps being able to do some part time work. Someone mentioned that I should perhaps lecture on Project Management at the local college? That sounds interesting. Or perhaps I could put my hand to something else.

Going back to contracting again isn't so bad as I'd be able to work flexibly again.

It WAS an interesting night

It was good to meet up and there were some very concerned people and I got a great reception. Even the "I'm not dead yet" Tee shirt went down well. Some missed the point until later.

All in all it was quite a good evening and there were a number of war stories that kind of cheered me up. My friend had a serious Thyroid problem many years ago and he was there right as ninepence and a number of my friend's parents had gone through and survived more serious things. Whilst I'm trying not to play down how serious the cancer I have actually is, I still don't look ill, I don't feel ill and apart from the weight gain and minor discomfort, I really am a lot better than ever I thought I'd be or that anyone expects me to be.

Could be an interesting night

A lot of people I haven't seen for a long time - no doubt I'll get the usual batch of questions so as good old Cub Scout I'd better be prepared. At least I'm giving its first outing to the "I'm not dead yet" Tee Shirt - cool - surprised the wife allowed me to wear it really :-)

It is easy to feel the victim

I've been putting together my thoughts on the job I have been doing for my company and the good and bad bits of the job. It has been interesting as I went back and looked at what I was asked to do and despite all the recent problems with my health nearly everything I set out to do in June (1 month before diagnosis) has actually been achieved. I was pleased to see that and I am going to present that to the bosses when I go up and see them.

By reviewing this, reading through all the past stuff, contract of employment and so on, I was able to pick up on some of the original stuff and also to realise that it isn't me not performing that is the issue it is the sales people not delivering their part of the bargain - like some work for my team to deliver!

I don't feel bad about it but I can see why so many people feel that they are victims and get upset - it is just another fact of life and I think I am taking it quite well because once you've been diagnosed with Cancer then frankly there isn't a lot people can do to you to upset you really.

You can probably yell out "Come on - really. Is that ALL you've got?!" Hey, maybe I'll do that next week :-)

Late One

I finally managed to snooze off at about 3:30 this morning after listening to some music. That meant I didn't get up until about 11:30 this morning and even then only because someone rang me.

I can't even say that I was particularly worried about anything - OK, I have a lot to think about with the Redundancy and awaiting the results of the treatment of course. Nagging at the back of my mind is whether an employer will take someone on with Cancer and whether I have to disclose that - I suppose wait until you get the pre joining questionnaire on that one. If I run my own business again then I'll have to make sure I cover that off myself.

Perhaps they are nagging in the background. I don't feel worried about it at the moment. Annoyed but it was inevitable I think given the poor performance of the sales team in the last quarter.

NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH

In case you were wondering what a TURBT operation looks like here are links to the AOL Health Web Site and two versions of the operation in High and Low Resolution.

You have been warned......

Web Site

High Resolutions Version of Bladder Tumour Removal HERE

Low Resolution Version of Bladder Tumour Removal HERE

Strangely I can actually look at these - anything else and I'd probably pass out - I have no idea why - I suppose because this was done to me so it is alright? Weird..

Funny Possibly

Well I thought this was quite funny - it is a video clip about some men in the bathroom - multitasking!

Enjoy click HERE

Where is the on/off switch?

Again, up in the early hours. It is nothing major I'm thinking about. A couple of flash forwards to March when I have the next Op. Some thoughts about what I'm going to say to my bosses when I see them next week and get my marching orders and that is about it. When I do sleep, I sleep for ages and as soundly as you like. But it is getting to sleep that is the worry. I'm not having coffee or anything late into the night although I used to be able to and still sleep. No alcohol and no other stimulant I can thing of.

I suppose it is a phase and with a bit of luck I'll get through this and end up with some other problem! However, a design with an on/off switch would be appreciated.

Productivity or distinct lack of it

Well - what did you expect telling me that I was "at risk" and being considered for redundancy.

I can't say that I've done anything constructive for work today apart from talk to some of my staff about their jobs which are thankfully safe. Me? I can work anywhere but I was so emotionally involved in the company's product and the people. Oh well, as I have learnt recently there is far more to life than this and it is just one of those things.

So I'm looking out for the high salaried, playboy job - you know looking after someone's yacht and going to every Grand Prix of the season etc. Somewhere there must be a job like that. If not I'd be rubbish at modeling tee shirts!

Another Day - another opportunity

Finally got to sleep about 3 and up at 9 so not too bad, had a walk feeling clear headed and have drafted my new CV and sent that out. I'll change around all my profile information on all my web sites and then set up the alerts so that those who know will know and I can start looking for jobs again.

I can't say that I was surprised really I wondered where the money was going to come from as early as November last year. Quantity over quality and a poor sales performance were bound to affect us further down the food chain. They'll have all found out now who is affected by the changes, I doubt it has gone down well they are a small family company in the middle of nowhere and I doubt it is easy to find work if they are let go from the business.

Anyway, it is an opportunity rather than a threat and it allows me to go back to running my own business again. At least that way I'm in charge. I've not sacked myself once in my tenure as MD :-) Perhaps I ought to - go on, I can take it :-)

Here we are again

Not that at this time of night I can actually do much about the situation or indeed worry about it too much. I have an interesting list of phone calls and things to do later today and I should get to bed so as to be fresh to do them in the morning but I can't be bothered at the moment. I'm old enough and experienced enough not to be too upset by all this sort of stuff, nor to overreact but it just goes to show, despite having expected this may happen given the loss of business just before Christmas it still comes as a blow.

I wonder what my team will make of it - they'll all find out tomorrow - it should make for an interesting afternoon.

Sod It

Here we go again - sort out the CV, re-launch the company and the web site and get ready for the interviews, and the type of work (contract or permanent). Bugger, just as I was getting stuck into this job too. Mind you, if they can't get the work then it's no use hanging around. Then sort out the pensions (I have only just spent the last 4 months consolidating those!)

Oh well, I suppose it still isn't as bad as 2006 yet :-) I suggest you do not ask me to select your lottery numbers this year!

Happy 2007 You Are Redundant

Nice! Welcome to 2007 and I'm back on the heap. At least I haven't got Cancer! Oh bugger....

Actually - not unexpected as there was no way they could continue to hemorrhage money and lose work the way they were going and despite the fact I bring some stability to the role, I'd have had to come to the same conclusion sooner or later. Bloody shame - great company though.

Tee Shirt arrived

My "I'm not dead yet" Tee Shirt has arrived this morning - brilliant. No one would buy it for me for Christmas so I bought it myself. It was pretty impressive as I bought it online yesterday and it arrived this morning.

For anyone who isn't sure - the "I'm not dead yet" bit comes from Monty Python and the Holy Grail where people are being encouraged to "Bring out your dead" and someone gets thrown on the cart who isn't yet dead.

I feel like adapting the Tee Shirt to my own ends and for it to be worn at appropriate times and occasions!

Yesterday - a Screwy Day

You get days like that, it wasn't much different to any other day albeit that I learnt a friend had Lung Cancer and was under treatment for that. my brain just went into overdrive and as I was sat at the PC it was as easy to write it down no matter whether it made sense or not.

I hope today is going to be a lot less active than yesterday.

Yuk

I hate the way my brain works sometimes. It can bang on being "holier than though" it can be full of remorse, it can "not give a hoot" and it can tear you apart.

Bloody thing, I wish it would leave me alone sometimes, I could get on and watch EastEnders or Holly oaks then and understand them :-) Nah! What am I saying - I'd need 99% of my grey cells destroyed to understand those!

Watch out for your brain, it gives you no peace. It creeps up on you and tells you things are wrong when they aren't, it frightens you, it misinforms you and it scares you. Last night it was telling me that I probably had Bowel Cancer - today it told me it may have got that wrong. Trouble is I lost a lot of sleep worrying about something I know I don't have, nor do I have the symptoms of. Just what is the brain there to do? It doesn't comfort you or help you out much it sticks objects in your way and gives you complicated statistics to figure out or runs you through horrible life and death scenarios. Is it really meant to be doing that? Is it my brain or did someone implant it when I was in Hospital to constantly upset me, piss me off, challenge my feelings and paint the worst picture available?

I feel I'm fighting my brain more than I'm fighting the disease.

A Good Night Out

An early 2007 night out for some traditional Jazz. It isn't 'great' music but it is honest and down to earth stuff, good beer at reasonable prices, people who laugh at my jokes and asides (priceless) and just a good night out, no telly, no "reality sh1t" just some good musicians bashing out some songs and good company. It always seems a shame to me that people practice long and hard to be musicians and play wonderfully to unappreciative audiences.

Sometimes it is the very simple straightforward pleasures that are the best as well as those "spur of the moment" things and decisions. Long may spontenaiety continue.

It was good to be invited and to be reminded it was on; also so nice to meet some friends there both old and new.

Friends - An Amusing Christmas Present

A lot of people probably find it difficult to laugh at or with Cancer and also not everyone is exactly certain what to say to you. However your close friends know and so I was really delighted and had a good laugh when I opened a pressie on Christmas day it was a book:

"Taking The Piss - A Potted History of Pee" By Adam Hart-Davis and Emily Troscianko. I am just reading through the various chapters and it has some really interesting bits all about pee.

Well, you have to laugh - no really you do :-)

Fate Versus Lifestyle Versus Did I Deserve it?

I wrote this earlier and didn't publish it but then thought that the blog really ought to pick up on my "mindset" no matter what state it is in/ I'm a bit strange anyway - you just have to look at my collection of off the wall French film noir to see that. I think obliquely and laterally and sometimes if you are not on "my wavelength" or on the particular lateral thread I am thinking of at the time I say or write something, you will not get it and wonder why I am not under a Care in the Community Order. Be that as it may - it is probably worth publishing the stuff below so you get to see how your brain can drift off and think of the most absurd things.



This has been rattling around my head this afternoon. The earlier post where 25% of people felt that it was fate. I tend to sit on the 'it was my lifestyle' side of the fence and whilst I was considering that two things sprung to mind:

1. This time last year I felt that the time had come to change my lifestyle. I had come to a point where I had thought that all the harm I must have done to my body ought to be stopped, reversed whilst there was still a chance and I did do something about it. However when I look back and think how many years I thrashed my body and all the hours I worked and the drinking and smoking etc then there was bound to be a reaction. I had decided that as I wasn't getting any younger I ought to cool it. I was obviously far too late to do that. However, I have had a massive change in lifestyle and I feel better for it - I've not gone Vegan but I am just eating sensibly, regularly, not fasting or feasting (something I used to do regularly - I could 'not eat' for days and not sleep either). It all catches up with you.
2. The other thing I thought about was the "Did I deserve it?" argument and that is a bit of a strange one. I go back to the early days of Aids and the sorts of things that people said then and wonder whether anyone "deserved it". I perhaps brought it on myself and that cannot be denied so I think the answer actually is yes, I did deserve it. I knew some years back what smoking could do and I should have given up. The argument on whether we do enough to discourage smoking, how we argue that you shouldn't smoke in adverts and tax and other things can go on for ever and are subject for another day I think. I do reckon that I knew enough about things, had sufficient advice and could have made an informed decision. What I am certain about though is that smoking is addictive beyond a doubt and it is not easy to give up and stay given up. Someone telling you that you have Cancer is a very compelling reason to stay stopped though. On a last thought on this for the time being. All of my parent's generation and their parents smoked and it was in all the films and on TV it just beggars belief how we are reaping the whirlwind of that now not just smokers but all the passive smokers and those who were abused because they lived in the homes of smokers.

This all goes darker and deeper and is a real guilt trip for ex-smokers. Having brought this on myself and up to a point accepting that I injured myself I now have to face up to the possibility of actually harming other people - that really really does hurt and causes many of the sleepless nights and so much of the guilt isn't that I have Cancer, it is that I may have given it to anyone else. I can live with the former - I'm not sure I could live with the other.

It also occurred to me that when I was a child that I lived in a smoker's house and all my relatives smoked and everyone on the trains and buses smoked and so was it me or was it them.

And so, on and on you could go about this if you wanted. All these things play around in your brain whether you want them to or not. Then you start to consider the various facts that many people who get Lung Cancer (for example) have never smoked in their lives and you can then really start to get your mind swimming.

This is one of those rambling, nonsensical posts that will no doubt hit this blog from time to time. It doesn't mean anything really. It highlights the guilt you have as a "Cancer victim" and the guilt you then feel to others as an ex-smoker. It then goes on to look at your own victimisation as a child and these things go round and around in your head for hours at a time. I doubt there is anyone who just looks at it as an isolated thing at all.

I'm going to stop here as no matter what I write, or what I believe, this particular subject will just go around in circles. I guess it will resolve itself and each of the worries will find an answer sooner or later. Perhaps some never get answered or get answered at the last minute - who knows.

Today has gone a bit faster

At least today is going faster than yesterday - not that I am wishing time away you understand. I suppose because I now have some chunks of work to get on with helps.

Still a couple of hours to go but I reckon they'll disappear pretty quickly now.

I also hate Parkinson's Law so perhaps that is another reason that I find myself bored sometimes. Parkinson's Law is where you fill the available time with the work you have available. I tend to do the work and complete it as soon as I can. It can lead to gaps in work but I can fill those gaps with planning for the next lot.

Education

Perhaps that would help - you despair when you read this sort of stuff though from today's BBC Health section CLICK HERE.

Apparently 25% of people think that Cancer is down to fate - Oh please.....

Exercise Equipment

I am waiting for my Exercise Equipment to come. I hope that it will ensure that I make it a discipline. Yesterday, I was full of good intentions about going out for a walk and never got around to it. At least I can have the walk come to me this way.

Most of the household are back at work or school today so it should be a bit easier than yesterday at work. I hope it also goes a bit faster.

Is it the Longest Day?

Phew,

how long has today been - it feels like I have been sat here for days not hours. It is always the same on your first day back at work but this is ridiculous, its as if time has been somehow slowed down on purpose.

There is still another 45 minutes to go too. Blow this working for a living lark!

Loads more junk and reminders

Well the office is beginning to look a bit neater. I really didn't do a lot after the operations and so things got left in piles and, with the best will in the world, I really didn't feel up to anything like filing, throwing out and reading loads of stuff.

I'm surprised how much stuff there is accumulated on my desk and on tables and shelves. The recycling man is likely to get a hernia lifting all of this.

I keep finding the odd Hospital letter but at least I can get all that lot filed in a single place now too.

Having a Clear Up

A bit spooky - I just found last year's diary - the marker is still in the first week of July - after that there is not an entry at all - before that most days are completed with appointments etc!

I wonder what else I'll find in my piles of unfiled stuff?

Back to Work

It was hard work getting the head off the pillow this morning. The alarms went off on time and in sequence but the mind and the body didn't want to get out of their warm resting place.

Finally pulled myself around and walked the few yards into my office. A conference call in a few minutes should start the system back to normal and get things rolling.

I can't say that I am filled with my usual enthusiasm for the job at the moment. A few problems and some excitement will soon blow away the cobwebs.

Anti Climax

It always is after Christmas and you see in the New Year. What do you do New Year's Day - the same as you probably did last year or a few days ago, potter around the house, wash the car, clean up a room... Things go on just the same, perhaps I was expecting a huge adventure? Better not hold my breath then :-)