The guilt of survival

OK - I know I am going to get beaten up about this but can you believe that I now have a guilt feeling about being in the position I am in? I know, how ridiculous after all the whinging I went on about wanting to be there for my family. I got my life back on Tuesday! In the US, a correspondent of mine got the opposite. I feel quite wretched about that until I look at my children's faces and gaze out at my world again. So why even so do I feel like this?

I think that it is because I have met with people who have more advanced problems than I do (mainly online) that I feel this way. Why? Well my diagnosis has made my potential outcome a lot better than theirs. I'm in all probability going to make it, some of the people I have met haven't and will not. I cannot understand why I should be singled out to survive and they didn't - I KNOW - It is a stupid way to think about it. I can't help feeling that - and it is a strange thing - that I shouldn't have survived really. I imagine it is the same with the survivors of a ship wreck or plane crash - how did I survive and how did I come through this and everyone either side of me didn't.

I just feel sad that some of the suffers, diagnosed when I was, haven't made it or probably wont make it. Stupid as it may seem - you now look at your own survival as cheating everyone else. You get a kindred bond with those fellow sufferers you meet online but - and I've said this before - generally those you meet online are more seriously affected and need to share their problems.

I do look on myself as very fortunate and I'll be doing everything possible to keep this well and this healthy. I owe it to myself, my family both here and wider and to my friends who have proved their worth many times over. I have friends who are outspoken (cringingly so) and some who don't express themselves well and some who we just nod and we know what we mean.

It isn't the "Stockholm Syndrome" but there must be a technical term for this - I cheated this but I'm sorry because not everyone else did!

Getting ready to go out again

Since last Monday I have been out every evening. Tonight is the last night and so tomorrow I can get some rest. I'm back out again next Tuesday and it looks like Thursday as well. Just to make my life easier this afternoon, a number of people have pulled out and so it should be fun to find officers to do the jobs especially as one is the Master of the Lodge and now can't make it!

I've got some more decisions to make next week about career direction. I have a potential job I could start straight away and another that I could start in July - both are very interesting and I could fit both around my treatment. I'm not sure about holidays though. we all need a break and I'd rather we all go away than I get a job that would keep me extremely busy over the summer. In one way I need the challenge of the job but in another way, making sure that it is the right time is probably more important. It should be fun next week "doing the right thing"

Keeping up the regime

It is too easy to drop your guard and go back to the old lifestyle just because of one bit of good news. I'm sure that my lifestyle changes have supported the work that the treatment gave and my new levels of fitness can only help when the treatment starts again in a few weeks time. It does knock you about a bit and it can leave you very tired and a little sore.

I think that because I am that much fitter and a lot of people have said that I "sound" so much better in myself that I can only improve my chances of this not coming back.

If I can manage to be clear at the next stage in October then the chances of recurrence get less. Each time you are clear thereafter the chances also decrease.

It is a nasty little cancer though as it can just keep coming back. If it does they can cut it out and stick you back on the roller Coaster again.

Where have I got to on the Roller Coaster? Probably just through the water splash - gone past the terrified stage and now in the exhilarated stage.

Much happier today about things.

Embarrassing

I was at one of my Lodge meetings this evening and announced the good news and there was a round of applause when I said that I was, to all intents and purposes, cancer free.

That was a bit embarrassing to me but it did make me realise how many people are "fighting my corner". I feel a little weepy and humble tonight and I met loads of people that I know and their pleasure at my news was so spontaneous.

I am very pleased that so many people are also in my corner fighting with me.

At Long Last

My printing has arrived - the wrong address on it - no wonder they couldn't find me.

I now need to see if I can stuff 200 envelopes with personalised letters and documents so that we can get them posted tomorrow.

A WELL PLANNED LIFE????

Another from my Uncle - Nice one!

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.

One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, Did you manage to live a well planned life? "

" Yes," said her friend.
"My first marriage was to a millionaire; My second marriage was to an actor; My third marriage was to a priest; And now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"


"One for the money,
Two for the show,
Three to get ready,
And four to go!"

Senior Moments

I'm obliged to my Uncle for sending me this and some more:

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,

"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition? This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

It is a dilemma

I mean what do I have if there isn't any cancer left in my bladder? Believe it or not I'm still technically a bladder cancer patient and I'm still undergoing treatment but, if there isn't any cancer in there then it seems quite strange. I'm not cured, I just don't have cancer there inside me now.

It is a very strange feeling I have to say. There isn't anything there at the moment. Now those cells have got to start behaving themselves normally again and that is what the treatment should teach them to do.

It really is the most surreal thing, I can't quite work it out at all and I'm not slow but I just can't take it in that it has all but gone. I occasionally stop and think about it and give a smile and then move on. Writing this I still can't quite believe it.

A Bad Night's Sleep

I had a bad old night, woke at 2:30 and didn't get back to sleep until about 5 I guess. It was none of the usual brain stuff, worrying or thinking things through because - what is there to think through now?

I feel fine this morning though. Another one of my busy days due in no uncertain measure to this parcel being late. When that arrives I've got stacks of work to do that should have been done on Monday or Tuesday.

I'm out again tonight and tomorrow afternoon and evening and hopefully I can just relax on Sunday.

Every Night This Week

I have been out every night this week so far and I'm out tomorrow and Saturday night. It has to be the busiest week of the year so far. I didn't plan to be this busy but one thing led to another and this was how it worked out.

Oh well, at least next week is looking less busy.

TMS - Summer must be here

The first test match of the summer - at Lords (I was there last year!). Test Match Special is on and you can get it on the Internet from the BBC web site.

Blowers is on good form - very excited and already on the Cranes and Pigeons and Buses are all good fill in material between each ball.

It isn't quite the right weather - a bit warmer, a jug of Pimms and perhaps a few cold beers. Maybe I'll get to the Oval or Lords later this year.

For anyone not in the cricketing world I apologise for this particular blog as you probably haven't got a clue what I am talking about.

Also, how can we have invented a game that takes 5 days to play? Well imagine that the bar is open all day and that you can have a picnic, read your Newspaper and wander around and just spend a great day out in the sun (normally). They also do the best bacon rolls in the world at Lords!

I must stop doing that

Telling a joke or a smart arse one-liner when people have a mouthful of drink!

The one-liner?

We were talking about someone we knew but we weren't sure how old he was and as the conversation was going around in a circle I suggested - as you do - that we cut the blokes head off and count the rings!

After avoiding getting covered in beer we did re-think my strategy as being pretty terminal for the guy we were talking about.

The cumulative effect of knowing that you are getting better

It is a strange old thing. I'm obviously pleased that I'm clear for the moment, that the treatment will in all probability give me a clean bill of health within the next 5 months, who wouldn't be. The ten year long term follow up plan is great and if, as is often the case with bladder cancer it comes back, at least they can get it early and not as I started this journey - an early diagnosis but could be earlier :-)

Anyway, yes I'm really pleased about it and as every day has gone by, I'm a little more pleased about it and feel a little more confident in what I've been told and the odds have improved. Speaking of odds, because there was no recurrence in the last three months since treatment - the odds change. Finding two precancerous areas is better than finding CIS or a tumour there so my odds of recurrence have gone down as well which is good.

All these things are really positive - they all add up to the best news possible. It is just taking me a long time to get used to the news and the improved outlook and the optimism that must go with that.

The lost parcel

Which should have been with me on Monday has been found, in South London - hey couldn't find me as the house number was transposed and there isn't a house with that number in my street.

I'll have to wait until tomorrow to get the parcel and it contains all the stuff I should have posted on Monday. Blast - that means tomorrow I'll be busy as you like stuffing close to 200 envelopes and trying to get them all posted.

Well we had a few tonight

I met up with some friends and we discussed the news and all were happy and we had a few beers in celebration. I am feeling a bit better about things at the moment and whilst I'm still not dancing in the street I can see why my consultant was happy and why I should be :-)

I'm not really a miserable old wot-sit but I am quite measured in how I react to most things. This being one of them!

Working without a watch

The battery died on my watch yesterday and I am finding it a strange experience not knowing the time and keeping on looking at my arm but there isn't a watch there!

The spare watch and my pocket watch have also stopped working so I need to buy three lots of batteries.

It has been a somewhat strange day all around and I've gradually been getting a bit more animated about things. I'm out again tonight - I'll actually end up being out every night this week now and I'm out on Saturday afternoon too.

Perhaps Saturday evening or Sunday we will get out the Champagne - there are a few in the fridge.

End in sight

In more ways than one. It looks like - at last - the Insurance company has all the paperwork it requires to make a judgement on my case. I should hear in the next 5 to 7 days. Whatever way that goes will also define how I tackle the next decisions especially on the job front.

They called me today to let me know straightway that they had all that they now required. If they payout then it relieves a number of niggles and small worries and gives us breathing space as it isn't just about me although the decisions would affect what I had to do to run the home financially.

It has taken 7 months to get this far on the insurance claim. I'm not too bothered but if I was terminally ill or perhaps severely disabled with this I think I would be annoyed - it is one thing you really don't need to be thinking about at a time like that. It isn't the insurance companies hold up either. Finally today they got the last pieces of paper they needed. They had to phone up and get them but such is the chaos that is the NHS at the moment.

I've had the attitude on this that if they pay out it is a bonus and that I'm not expecting it to cover what I've had. I'll leave it there for the moment. It is one of those other things you have to deal with when you really didn't want to know.

What is interesting is to go back and read the early stuff from time of claim and some of the early material here and realise just how poorly I was last July/August. On reflection I am so much better than I was then, still (perhaps) a good few pounds heavier now than then, but I am really quite fit too with all this exercise and healthy eating stuff.

Precancerous - exactly what it says on the tin

A premalignant condition that, if left untreated, may lead to cancer.

The treatment should ensure that there are none of these precancerous cells return and that nothing gets back to where it was before.

It is a strange thing that you can't see anything wrong, you can't even feel anything wrong most of the time and you can't see what progress you've made or how the treatment is going. It makes having bladder cancer a surreal experience. In fact, the only times I feel ill are post operation, the stress before an operation and the BCGs make you feel tired and a bit sore. Other than that, you wouldn't know you've got problems. It was like carrying around an unexploded bomb in your body and not even realizing it. Bizarre.

As today progresses the more I realise that I really have crossed that line between the extremely dangerous and the dangerous but manageable. I still thought that I'd get hit with waves of relief or joy or something and it is not really like that. It is more a satisfied smirk than a fist clenching and pumping YEA! Oh well - you can't have everything.

Well I feel different this morning

It could be wind :-)

No - I do feel like a weight has been lifted off of me this morning (it does feel like that too) and I feel well in myself. I've done my exercises and pushed those hard this morning so there is a bit of exercise buzz in there too.

It is nice to have others around you who speak rationally about the news and make me see how good things really are - which is great, so thanks to them all for that.

In business one of the arts is to separate the emotion from the facts and in business, I'm good at that. It is very difficult to do it when it is you and your body going through this.

Positive and upbeat thinking needed today.

Should I be leaping about or just like I am now

I really am quite low key about this. I thought I'd be leaping for joy at the news and I have again surprised myself that I am quite matter of fact about it. I made one of my mates squirm tonight talking about what I was about to have done and - realistically, this time last year I'd have squirmed too!

I'm just nowhere near as upbeat. Perhaps I set sights low so as not to be disappointed. Whatever it is, I'm going to go to bed now and perhaps wake up in the morning feeling great! Who knows.