Slow day

I was slow up this morning. Yes, I had been for a few beers last night but I felt very tired - I put this down to not resting enough yesterday.

I expect next week to be worse and to knock me about severely - I plan to definitely not try and work on the Tuesday next week.

What a nice surprise

A friend from years ago turned up and drove a long way to see us.

We didn't actually go for the bubbly. I had offered to buy some Champagne but no - no one wanted any.

But it was really great that we celebrated. I do have a problem though I just cannot drink like I used to. I really notice that now and it has only been the past few months that have proved it to me.

It is time to change yet another part of my life then - drink will have to go the way of salt and fatty foods.

Yeek - what is there left for your old age :-)

Whoa

What was that just came flying out? That was a shock - you forget that this stuff strips your bladder lining and a great big piece just flew out.

Yuk.

Note to self - "I must stop being so Cavalier about my treatment"

I forget how serious this is - perhaps a defence mechanism but I need to remind myself occasionally that this is serious.

You Forget

How this feels and how it makes you feel afterwards.

I know though that despite feeling I was OK and didn't want to lie in bed that it was the best place for me.

As it was the first one - things weren't so bad. I has some blood and bits but nothing overly grizzly. The stinging and aching were worse than I remember. I am also expecting next week to be far worse. The 2nd one has been the worst in all cases previously so I am going to prepare for that for next week.

I feel like my lower back has been hit and it feels bruised and my joints (Hips, Knees, Ankles, Shoulder, Elbows and Wrists) ache slightly.

Other than that - I don't feel too bad at all.

Ouch

I had quite forgotten the moment the catheter goes in for the first time and muscles its way past your Prostate and pushes past the little sphincter and into your bladder. Eyes watering and those stress relievers earned their money today.

The Urology Nurse is great though and things are over and done soon. I am between the end of the first session and getting ready for bed. I have done my normal thing, had my tablets and so on and thought I'd jut top by here.

I found out today that I am on the European Protocol. I get three of these, a nine week break, another three and then wait twelve weeks and horror of horrors I have to go back in for another operation and biopsies. I was pretty upset about that, I thought I was going to get a flexible cystoscopy - not nice but to have to go through all of that again and a week off is something I wasn't expecting. Something I will have to live with though I suppose.

Right I can feel stinging again and need to go a lie down.

Well - Here I am

All scrubbed up clean and ready to go. In about 30 minutes I'll have had the procedure and can come home and do my usual turning and bleaching the loo and all of that stuff.

I suppose this time I can actually say that It is easy to work out. After today, I am already a third of the way through. Next week 2/3rds (you could say half way but 2/3rd is much better) and then 14 days time it will all be over for a while.

Nice.

I have just about got all of my things back into the "action" position. All I need to do now is get the pills ready and my note book so I can jot down my symptoms etc.

Not looking forward to this

I suppose I should be grateful that I didn't get much warning about the BCGs.

The problem is that it is only a few hours away and I know that I am going to feel rough for 24 hours if not a bit longer.

I must focus my mind on the fact that last time I was there that I had bladder cancer and this time, I don't. That means that what we did then mean that I am cancer free now and that it was those treatments that made it so.

Nothing quite focuses the mind as having a BCG instillation.

So back to BCG

Funny how a friend of mine thought these were injections - he was quite shocked when I told him what was really going on!

There is never a good time for things to happen. Tomorrow really isn't a good time but the guys will have to learn to live with it.

I'm not sure when my man arrives back from Canada as all the plans he made without original reference to me are all gone to pot - I did warn that this might happen but towards the end of the Month. I suppose it is good to get it out of the way. I doubt I will feel that happy about it tomorrow.

I now need to prepare myself for these and get all my stuff lined up ready. As my Urology Nurse said to me last time I met her. "You shouldn't be disappointed if we continue to meet as it means that you will be getting better!" Too right I am - I no longer have cancer and I still can hardly believe it.

Nimrod

Elgar's Nimrod will be played tomorrow at the Remembrance service.

That one piece of music reduces me to a shaking mass and so it should I think.

Every year I stay at home and I watch the 11th Hour of the 11th Day and I do remember. As a family we lost 15 or more of my relatives to make the world free as it is today.

I absolutely know that up until Nimrod is played I will be OK. After that I will be "in bits". My family will be at the local church on Church Parade with the Rainbows and Girl Guides (I am proud that my children are young leaders in that organization)

The sacrifice is just beyond imagination.

Unexpected things

How nice is it that someone you really like just turns up and gives you a great big kiss and says how wonderful the news is?

A very old friend of mine did just that tonight! How fortunate I am to have such friends!

How do I explain the lipstick on my collar?

The downside of being cancer free

Is that you think to yourself that it is all over and in fact it isn't - there is the maintenance to be gone through and there is a bit in the back of your mind resenting the fact that I am going to be "curled in a ball" for the next three weeks or as someone said to me - 15 days I suppose that is so when I get three zaps on three successive Mondays.

Now - I know what you are thinking because my brain is saying the same - it is just so strange how your emotions get in the way of the unavoidable logic of the situation.

I get annoyed with the fact that my emotional brain just is never satisfied. I suppose that is the thing that makes us all human!

A bit of a shock - Zapp

I have an appointment for Monday - to Start my 3 maintenance shots.

I really wasn't expecting them to be this fast and so I get my first Zap on Monday at 2 pm

It would have been difficult enough over the next two weeks with the travel schedule I had been set (not that I had agreed to it). Now it is impossible.

That will go down lead balloon like on Monday.

Back to reality

Some people make you scream. My boss phoned me up whilst I was having breakfast to ask me where I was - so I told him that I was sitting in a chair eating my breakfast. A he didn't quite get that - I told him that it was very tasty but getting cold. The next comment drew what can only be called the most aggressive thing I have said to anyone in a long time - which was that he wanted to know where I was not where I was. During part of this conversation I asked why he wanted to know and what level of granularity he felt that he would like the data in, was I perhaps permitted to go for a p1ss I believe passed between us at one point.

It has been a hard week and it is going to get harder next week and for a few more weeks to come. I think that we managed to get a change in the business before all hell broke loose. Something not quite like all hell is actually going to break loose next week but it wont be as bad a all hell - if you get what I mean.

Of course - the next blog will tell you some more of why that is going to be difficult!!

Better - much better

I managed to stop the ball spinning today and so I hope to have the right amount of time to sort out the things I need to do this week.

Life is going to be a bit hectic for the next month at least. Trying to bring order to chaos is great if you have people to do it. If you are just a couple of you then life gets hectic indeed.

I must go and get ready - I am on the road for a couple of days now.

Not sure I like this being all clear - it means I have to work for a living again:-)

Slowing Down

Got to slow down. The job is annoyingly stressful at the moment. It doesn't need to be at all - it jut is because it is the transitional period between one way of working and another. Bringing order to chaos is difficult it is like stopping an Ocean going Super Tanker. Apply the brakes and - something might happen in a weeks time :-)

The trouble is that it needs this injection of energy and determination and we are fighting each other - me to take on my job and the other guy doesn't want to lose it or let go easily (even though he knows he must!)

So - note to self - calm down and slow down and say No and mean No.

I know all of this - I just need to practice what I preach. It should be fun.

Full circle

Imagine - if you will - a small village in the middle of Yorkshire - quite sleepy really - a pub - a few restaurants and a nice Church. That is where I used to stay and work a few villages away.

As you may remember - the job I loved and I got made redundant earlier this year was in an adjacent sleepy village.

How spooky is this?

the company I now have the pleasure of being a director for is based no more than 400 yards from the place I used to stay.

Spooky if you think of all the places I could have chosen to work.

What are the chances of that?

Modern Medicine is Wonderful

To think that I had a serious tumour and CIS and a bladder full of cancer - isn't modern surgery and medicinal practise brilliant in that some 15 months later I can tell you that it is gone?

Wow.

And the winner is

Well - me actually.

It feels like a night at the Oscars - The Nomination for those patients most likely to be Cancer Free are.....

And after I get the award I have to list out the thank yous.

I'd like to thank:

My Consultant
Her Team
Nurses and Staff at the Hospital
Urology Nurses
Anesthetist
My GP (well one of them anyway)
My family
My Friends
My Insurance Company
My Employer at the time

And everyone who knows me, has said a kind word, encouraged me or helped in any way.

And so on and on it goes.

Still I am amazed that I am clear - now begins the next phase of the plan. Keeping me cancer free and getting fit and healthy again.


As for my Agent :-) He'll just take his 10% as usual no doubt!

We really are Poo at doing parties

I have no idea why this is. My Uncle and Aunt had an 80th Birthday party and we had a good time but, our side of the family just aren't party animals. My parents never were and I grew up not really going to or contributing much to family parties.

Now - as a young man - I did some serious partying and going to gigs and concerts etc but - we don't as a family and we never have thrown parties for anything - excepting my 50th which, as you know, was brilliant (for me and my mate G - we enjoyed ourselves!).

I'm disappointed that our family is so fragmented and that we don't get together that often - We used to say Marriages and Funerals (and Christenings). Tonight I saw my cousin's children for the first time in 12 years! I gave up going to the Genesis 30th anniversary bash at Charterhouse School. I felt bad that only I managed to get there and my immediate family didn't.

I find that particularly sad. I know my wife's family better than I know my own. I believe there are some historical reasons behind all of this but, you know, it would have been just lovely to see everyone together just one more time and that is, unfortunately, the sort of time we are entering. My Uncles are brilliant and together with my Dad are the three stooges (sorry if you aren't old enough to remember them). They have to be the funniest men on the planet and 10 or 15 minute in their company you are likely to wet yourself laughing. What I would give to have everyone together for a party. That is highly unlikely. My Dad doesn't go out much and we all live such busy lives and we all have such different backgrounds and live mile and miles away now.

I respect every-one's right not to be close - but on occasions, like tonight, I really wanted to have all the family there and to enjoy each other's company like we used to 30 years ago. I felt that it would have been nice for them and for me to have had that - however - I am always treated well and always fussed over so I really shouldn't complain. You know it would have been good to celebrate my news with my own family don't you think? Or am I being just a little bit "edgy" on that :-) ?

For every good one

I was thinking today, as you do, for every time my Consultant said good news to someone on Thursday, how many other people did she deliver not such good news to?

A young girl who went in before me was hardly in there for 2 minutes came out with a smile, I know I did. Some of the others didn't look that happy.

Something to ponder I suppose. It must be a difficult job. There you are delivering good and bad news. You'd almost want to arrange your appointments to get all the bad stuff out first and then do nothing but good news for the rest of the day.