The Terror of Cancer

I read on the BBC web site about Bob Harris and his Prostate Cancer battle.  He mentioned the weeks between realising that he had cancer and then waiting to see if it had spread as the worst weeks of his life and perhaps the most frightening too.  I felt real empathy and was beginning to fill up just thinking about how the poor guy must have felt especially as they thought it had spread.  He was pretty relieved to find it hadn't but then had to go through the chemo and hormone treatments required.

It is the added dimension of Cancer that it strikes this level of dread into the most hardened of us.  The word itself is enough to shake you to your core and to have it brings the added "bonus" of dealing with the emotional baggage that attaches itself to you.  At the end of the day, the word carries more force than perhaps it ought to but it is up there with words like Holocaust, Hitler, Mussolini, and Hiroshima.  It has a bad press and the common denominators of death and pain,  courage in the face of adversity, "no cure", and many other myths and misconceptions are programmed into us so that we respond very negatively to the word itself and have little comprehension about what it is unless you have it, deal with it or treat it.

The press and media need to try and make the word serious enough to respect but not demonised - more education and more openness about it would help without putting people off.  Too many still get the symptoms and will not go to their GP to sort it out early.  

Interviews

You know what it is like.  Life is full of surprises.  Suddenly the world just appeared to be one in which my people just found out my true value / worth.  One interviewee was good, I liked him a lot but the others weren't really going to cut it as dynamic was a word lost in translation.

I found out a lot today - no one wants me to go but they are happy that I'll still be around.  In fact there was talk of asking me to reconsider which was funny.  

I was also asked to let everyone know how I get on next Thursday - people are concerned and I've suggested that it will be a full set of 6 BCG that I am expecting probably kicking off around the 17th May and an Operation in September or maybe October just to round off my year.  They looked pained - how do you think I feel? :-)

So there we go another strange day at the office.  Early morning I arrived to find the new girl had left my desk totally unfit to use, had changed the PC screen resolution and a whole host of other things that really p1ssed me off.  i don't normally get quite so angry.  I had to explain to her that whilst I was happy to share a desk it didn't mean she could leave it unfit for me or anyone else to work on.  I think she got the picture as everything was laid out on the floor neatly as it was on my desk when she arrived in.  I had words.  Haven't had to explain things like that to a colleague for a long time but she isn't particularly sharp and was chosen as a not threat.

So one more interview tomorrow and I need to sort out a bucket load of stuff for Lodge too over the weekend.  Next week is as busy as hell - Monday is a Bank Holiday, Tuesday the Provincial Grand Lodge Meeting, Wednesday a huge Committee Meeting followed by a Lodge Meeting, Thursday Hospital and if I feel up to it going to my Luncheon Club and Friday we meet with the 4 business partners to explain the new regime and the new business plans and venture.  So after that, the rest of the week is my own!!

A Productive Day

If Monday turned out to be a day when my friend drained my energy from me through his troubles (not his fault you understand) and I was the person who listened and took the hurt and anger away then today was the opposite.  My business partner and I had a brilliant day thrashing out the elements of our business and setting out where we were going.

The bugger of it is me at the moment.  Another reason that I am a bit miffed.  You see I felt I was going to be pretty much clear to go and sort this out with him and run the business and yet - so much is now reliant on my meeting next Thursday with my specialist that it is a bit upsetting for me as I felt I should be able to give this a full time go.

There is much energy to be gained from getting involved in a massive undertaking like we are at the moment.  Creativity today was amazing and we are trying to find some time when we can go and lock ourselves away on a "boot camp" to brainstorm much of the work we have to do.  I can only hope that my consultant comes up with some radical way of treating me that allows me some time to get away and get this done.

I feel really on top of my game today - more so than I have for years - the feeling is great and I hope that I can repeat it many times over.

Dealing with Death

It is strange n'est pas readers that of all the people in this household, I'm the one who has to sort out the dead pets when they pass to the grand menagerie above.

Our valiant little Hamster passed away sometime yesterday I guess from the state he was in.  However, it had to wait until I could see if he was indeed dead, shake the cage, open up the little sleeping quarters and bless him there he was.  I then had to do the transfer from there into a little box with his name on it so that my daughter can do the rites tomorrow and this little fella can join the others at the back of the garden.  

It is pretty sad but I can't work out why Mrs. F. or younger daughter wouldn't do it?  

Anyway, I have always been against keeping animals although I suppose fish may be all right.  I find that keeping an animal in doors really flies in the face of nature but that's just me - I guess the other argument is that pets wouldn't be alive unless humans wanted and looked after them.  Something deep inside me doesn't "get it" about them - maybe companionship.  They say dogs are man's best friend but go ask your dog for some money as a loan and see where you get!!

So the poor old Hamster finally died - he made two miraculous recoveries from what I thought were death throes some months ago.  There will be a little ceremony somewhere down the end of the garden and I don't know whether she will get a new one.  

I had a mixed day at work yesterday as I did loads of work but then went as a guest to Lodge in Middlesex.  The meeting and food were great as was getting there and back by train but the chap I was with, who is an old friend is really down on his luck at the moment and there isn't an easy way out of the situation for him.  He will be flat broke in a month's time and is in danger of losing the house and everything.  The trouble is I can do nothing for him but listen and try and advise but I don't think he is listening or maybe he is but doesn't understand that this has been coming for years but he just hasn't faced up to it early enough.

Of course he looks mightily hurt that I am able to stop paid work and go and do my bit.  The trouble is that when I was raking in money I didn't spend it - it went into a fund that made sure that I secured my family first and now that is done I can work on securing my remaining years.  It is also plain that he wasn't best pleased that he didn't get to round two in the interviews for my job.  The problem is that the others are far more qualified.  However I tried to say that it felt as if I was spraying him with pepper spray - I felt really quite bad.   It is now a situation of what on earth can I do.  There isn't anything I can do apart from keeping telling him to be realistic and then ask me if I can help in some way.  I can't do it for him and I'm odds on certain that I'm going to end up with some sort of treatment coming up which will severely restrict my availability to do anything for a while either.

Strange that after all the years I've known him - I am just not able to help him like I thought I could/should.  I feel bad about it but I'm being the one who is being realistic about things.  Of course it isn't nice to realise that you may lose your house and have to go love elsewhere and make changes to your lifestyle.  It isn't nice at all.

Strange Day

I have been really angry all day today just seething.  Mrs. F. managed to screw one of the computers by shoving the wrong connector into a USB hub and I had to sort that out.  Then the PC wasn't responding, then the mouse and printers didn't work. 

I feel that I am begining to get angry about what will possibly happen to me in the near future and the treatment that I have somehow convinced myself that I will now have to undergo.

I'm angry about loads of stuff really and even now can feel it in my body.   It isn't like me to be this angry for this long.  

What a busy few days

I went out with the girls from work on Thursday night and had a few glasses of wine and a rather nice Steak Au Poivre.  Time rocked by and I caught the 23:30 vomit comet train home.  The next day, St. George's Day, was great.  We aren't very good at celebrating our Patron Saint in case we offend anyone.  We met for a Full English Breakfast near London Bridge and headed off to Green Park and then Shepherd's Market for a beer at the Grapes and then wandered in the Spring Sunshine off to the Grosvenor House Hotel on Park Lane.  

There we have a nice meal - not too sure how Scottish Smoked Salmon made the menu but there is Roast Beef and all the trimmings - we had plenty of drinks before and after.   There are plenty of sportsmen and this year a number of our members from the armed forces were there and the Band of the Blues and Royals.  There was also Englishman of the year - Sir Ranulph Fiennes this year.  We raise around £30,000 for the Gurkhas at the table collection and then we go on to Shepherds Market afterwards for a few more beers and make our way home.  The 23:30 was OK and I got home at a respectable midnight thirty.

I met my friend's on who I've known since he was about 2 or 3  He is a doctor and we chatted about my situation - I said I was surprised and hadn't the carcinogens gone - apparently not - these things hang around for many years.   Not that he is a specialist in it but he suggested that BCG would probably be the way to go so perhaps that is what it will be.  I can't say that Ii would look forward to that but the alternative is far less pleasant.

Lacking elegance

Escaping from my job isn't going to be all plain sailing because it isn't actually structured properly.  I need to give out some sort of Press Release saying that I am taking a back seat role now and that I'll still be available.  

No date is set for my departure from the office but I think I'll just have to exit over the next three weeks or so.  Interviews are happening next week so perhaps we will strike it lucky and get someone who will just slot straight in and be able to pick up the job without too much difficulty and as long as I can support them a couple of times a month then that will work out cool.

I need to extricate myself in a nice way leaving the new person enough to work on without deserting them or over managing them.

So THAT'S what work is then

Back to work - it was pretty hectic but I got loads done - caught up the week and a half in a day....

Chosen my successor(s) to interview and will see them next week.  The Photos are coming through from the case studies which are lovely and the personalised diaries arrived today.  Cool

Lots happening the next two days.

Left early but a fatality on the line meant a slow journey home.

As I lifted a huge box of diaries into the office someone said "Should you be lifting anything?"  trust me - what a pillock!!  I'll see if I pay for that with any bleeding - sometimes you just forget.

Down

I'm feeling pretty down today.  Just not quite with it either in myself, in my head or about much - I am just hoping that I cheer myself up a bit later on.

The next few weeks are all a bit uncertain and not really planned in any way and that always leaves me a bit flummoxed.  I suppose I just need to take some sort of control over proceedings and perhaps do a bit of leading here especially in finding and bedding in my replacement at the charity.  That will be a good start as there is a fair bit to be done in the next few months and time just isn't on my side at all.

I need to get clear in my head when I am actually leaving and being retained is all well and good but that needs to be set onto a secure footing.  Perhaps I can put my mind to that too?

I can see that to get clear and ready to run with my colleague on our new venture is also a paramount goal too.  

I just need to shake off my current gloomy outlook and sort myself out a bit.  

On a lighter note my application to become a Freeman of the City of London has just arrived and I need to complete that and get it sent back to my sponsor.  As far as I can tell you have to go back 16 generations to find one of my predecessors who was a Freeman of the City.  Something to look forward to there.

A bit more Bladder Cancer Information

This is from the BBC Web Site and the University of Texas http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8629358.stm 

"Eating lots of meat, especially if it is overcooked, increases the risk of bladder cancer, say experts.

Frying, grilling and barbecuing until meat is charred can form cancer-causing chemicals, research shows.

In a study, people whose diets included well-done meats were over twice as likely to develop bladder cancer than those who preferred meats rare.

The research findings, based on over 1,700, people were presented at a US cancer research conference.

The University of Texas investigators found the risk was highest for those who ate well-done red meat such as steaks, pork chops and bacon."

Something more to think about then. 

Peculiar times

I'm not anywhere near as upset as I was when I was diagnosed with Cancer and yet, something is gnawing away at me about the current situation.  The "comfort" if you can take any, is that this is controllable and manageable and that I'm in good hands.  If they'd have found this tiny pin prick of a tumour coming up to 4 years ago then I'd have been a lot happier than what they did find.

It feels like a major set back and it probably isn't.  It feels like I've failed somehow and yet that isn't the case either.  It feels like I have managed to beat the odds and the figures that show the longer you go without recurrence the better things are (reading that this is a failure of course).

So that is how it "feels" and there are a number of emotions rolling around.  There is a loss of self confidence.  Another realisation of mortality.  A "fear" of having to re-do the Treatment (even though it may be the right thing to do).  The treatment is challenging, let's face it, character building stuff and all the side effects that go with it are also things to be concerned and aware of.  How glad I was to see the treatment end must be tinged with the reason I'd be somewhat upset to see it return.  Then there are the other concerns and that includes my relationships with friends and family who were just getting used to me returning to normal - maybe even better than normal with my new found freedom of expression (shall we call it).

Perhaps it is the uncertainty that is also unnerving.  Knowing what is going to happen to you is important and understanding why there has been a reversal of fortune is also a prime concern to me.  Did I do something somehow to set off this cancer?  I would have  hoped that I am keeping clear of carcinogens but maybe my diet or other pat of my lifestyle needs changing to give me an even better chance.   It's all playing around in my head and that adds to the mix too.  

Feeling a little fragile

I found myself feeling a little bit down around mid morning.  I'd picked up some of my medical notes and re-read some of the treatment stuff and the recurrence data and suddenly found myself feeling quite sorry for myself and quite emotional about it.  I can't say that it lasted too long but I do feel a little less happy than normal and a little less buoyant but I can't say that I'm surprised by that.

I'm still battling with the fact that there was something wrong with my tests.  All the other doubts also start to surface then too.  Stuff like whether anything else is about to go wrong with my body.

Sitting on my own doesn't give me much time to distract myself but at least I have short listed some candidates for my job so I hope that I have been fair and objective.  I've submitted those to the office. Perhaps that too has just added to me feeling a bit down? 

Back to normal

I'm up early and at my desk before 6 am.  I'm planning on getting things done today as most of the family head off back to work after the Easter break.   They're day looks fun with people stranded and casual staff being called in whilst they make their way back from various locations by land travel whilst all the planes are grounded.

I'm still a little tender which is only to be expected and I was intrigued to read that apparently you can go to work the day after a rigid cystoscopy - surely they mean if you only had an inspection not if they've cut lumps out of you.  I've yet to have the "joy" of the scabs coming off which believe me is a very strange and disturbing event.  

I'm in a slightly better sense of humour this morning and I feel that I can start to get myself organised and get my head into the zone for my new venture.  I need to find somewhere for my partner and I to go for about a week to have an intensive planning and thinking session to kick us off.  Of course, if I get treatments that will have to be less than a week and travelling too far is out as well.  I need braodband access to really make it useful and we just need this intensive burst of planing and creative effort.

With no date set for my finishing at the Charity I need to settle on who to interview today and get those sorted out - perhaps I need the boss to do the interviews as they have to work with them.  

Mixed Emotions still

Strange how I feel at the moment.  I'm not frightened and I'm not thinking anything other than things have been set back a little bit.  I suppose that when you get a set back, tiny as this is, you really weren't expecting it.  It is funny how a number of people wonder if I feel ill or not well and yet I probably have been feeling as well as I ever have.  Perhaps that too made for the shock.  I was definitely ill when I got BC but hadn't seen it coming really.  At the moment I feel unfit but only because I am over weight and so perhaps that is something to do with it.

I just feel a little low a little upset and a little let down.  I think it is only natural to feel a little like that after all it wasn't great news.  On the other hand I have a pretty good idea what treatment will be like if I am to have any and also I'm pretty much accepted that I'll need to have a good few more of these operations.  

The operations I guess will be the thing that will make me low.  I'm caught in the spiders web of tests and blood taking not only by my GP but also the Hospital and I'm just going to have to accept it.  

I'm sure that I'll be looking at this a different way after the 6th May and my appointment.  I hope that I'll feel just a little more upbeat.  It was only 6 days ago I had this operation and I need a little more time to rationalise my thoughts.  At present it is my heart and my emotions that are causing this wobble in my attitude.  Once I get my brain loose and get some solid logic wrappered around the situation then I should get things into perspective once again.

Beer and a Curry

It was god to get out with K and have a few beers followed by a nice Curry.  We certainly enjoyed the food and the beer - something called Total Eclipse - perhaps would have made all the lights go out if we had quaffed much more of it.  Really nice beer and reassuringly strong.

I'm OK in myself still if a little down though and that's just the disappointment of the find really and the fact that I've got to climb back onto the roller coaster and maybe start the whole process off again.  Whatever happens I'm pretty certain to be in for another operation in October so I just need to readjust and to refocus.   I'll just have to get on with life and to make sure that I adjust my sights accordingly and that I take whatever appropriate steps to tighten up my lifestyle even further.

I did enjoy getting out and chatting to K though we haven't had a long chat like that for quite a while so it was beneficial to me.

Scar Wars VIII - Keeping a Sense of Tumour

A Long Time Ago, In a Galaxy Far, Far Away

Our Hero Undertakes One More Mission.

Darth Urologist sets out to Sound the All Clear but Instead

Tackles a Minor Insurgent in the Realms of Bl'dar

More Sequels Than Rocky or Halloween, Will This Story Never End?

Welcome to Scar Wars VIII - Keeping a Sense of Tumour or

“Where does that pipe go?

NO....You have got to be kidding!” 

Anything can happen in the next 30 minutes warned the Commander of Stingray and to some extent that's about what happened to Dave-Sky-Nando (tm)* on a sunny day in April 2010.

Packing my bag and walking to the Hospital on my own for the first time were parts of my strategy to just get on and see the procedure through.  It was a sunny day and my MP3 player pumped out some decent old music, if you like Kansas that is?  I changed Players once I was there as they sat me in with a whole host of other people waiting to be allocated beds.  As my old Jedi master Only One Bed Only used to say, Hospitals are just people factories, you get used to this and I should “Be mindful of the Force”.   In fact in 5 minutes I was escorted to my trolley and curtained off area and got changed into the NHS Gown.  They are certainly a little better than they used to be and at least cover up part of your modesty these days.  My other MP3 player was set up with quiet relaxing music and classical passages just to let me take things easier.  This time I had taken 2 MP3 Players as last time I had run out of battery power on one – this time I was not going to be without for lack of battery power.

I was relatively happy in my own little world, my blood pressure was through the roof – no change there then and on a second go it was down to slightly above abnormal.  We went through the usual check lists.  Loose limbs, Dentures, WMD, Grenades, cluster bombs, liquids, political news papers and pamphlets, crossword book and so on.  After they are convinced that none of these are in fact camouflaged under your gown you are left alone to get on with things.  I am happy with my own company, always have been.  Leave me with an MP3 player and I’ll be OK and so it proved except the Nurse who checks every now and then that you haven’t escaped or smuggled someone or something in would keep leaving the curtains open much to the distress of the guy opposite me who looked as if he was going to be shot.  So frightened was he poor lad and his companion had the devils own job to calm him down.  Me?  I'm an old pro at this.  I’m terrified but don't let on – only my heart rate and blood pressure give it away.   Ideally I’d liked to have had a few Prozac to wash down before I got there but that wasn't to be unfortunately.

The Anaesthetist turns up and we go through a series of similar Q&As and he leaves satisfied that he will see me in theatre.

My consultant D’Arth Urologist arrives.  I have every confidence in her – she is a matter of fact, charismatic, authoritative and highly respected.  I chat knowingly about what is going to happen and we say how quick it comes around and was it only last August I saw you dah de dah.  Then she says “we normally let you go on the day don’t we?”  Well, this is my chance to score one in the back of the net.  “No” I say “the last two times I’ve ended up with a catheter wedged into me and only once in all the times I’ve been did you ever get me out on the same day”.  She made to look at the notes – “Perhaps you had an enlarged Prostate?”  “Not to my knowledge” I said.  She looked through the notes further and then we discussed the consent form which I signed and she said she would see me later.  A brief smile and she was gone.

The Nurse decided on a couple more occasions to leave my curtains open which I quickly closed.  I have no idea why they want to do that – just leave me the “**** alone!” I think to myself.    The last thing I want is anyone looking at me or catching my eye.  I deal with these things better when I am in my own little world, my own bubble if you like.

As often happens, temptation in the devil’s disguise as the lunch trolley rattled noisily (too noisily) past our ward smelling quite good for Hospital food, that was followed by the drinks trolley and the general clatter associated with dishing up meals, cutlery clinking and crockery ringing.  Thanks guys we really need that when we haven’t eaten for sodding ages.  It was like the old system where we were sat next to the water dispenser – you know the ones with the water bottle that gurgles away.  Just what you need when you aren’t allowed any and people are coming in past you helping themselves and slurping away at the ice cold water. 

I’m disturbed by a Hip Doctor.  Now I don’t mean that he was wearing 60s clothes or anything like that, although in hindsight it would have improved the corduroy and stethoscope look a lot I reckon.   He picked up my notes; I switched off my MP3 player and made a show of looking as if I was sitting upright.

He looked puzzled.  Asked me if I was someone – who I assured him I was most definitely not.  “Not having a Hip Replacement?” he asked again I assured him that “Not that I was aware of”.  “She said it was here on the right – I wonder where he is?”  With that obvious whimsical rhetoric he departed my curtained area and proceeded to across the Ward where I heard him say “Ah, found you, good.  Nearly gave your Hip to some chap over the other side.  Glad I found you now.......”  I switched my MP3 player back on and remember thinking to myself how I'd probably prefer to have what I was having done rather than what he was.  Mind you isn't it amazing that you can get new Hip and Knee joints – that is just brilliant.

So back to me.  I know that there’s about an hour to go and so dash off to the toilet and get myself sorted out.  I’ve been drinking water steadily all morning so that I am hydrated properly as I’ll need to keep lubricating my bladder after the operation and it helps not to be dried out like I have been before.  They came for me about 1:45 I suppose – I know I was going into Theatre 4 (my usual one) at 1:50 and I would have been out by 2 pm. 

The prep guys were OK they normally are and we had a bit of a laugh especially when I told them I worked for a charity and they looked at each other and smiled and said “SO DO WE!!” very good.  The cannula went in on a 9/10 and I said it was one of the better ones.  Slightly further towards my wrist than normal but it was OK.  I grabbed some Oxygen and that was the last I remember of the day. 

Waking up I eagerly grabbed some water from the Nurse and eased my hand down and checked – ahhhhh joy of joys no Catheter thank goodness for that.  It felt like I wanted to urinate but that couldn’t be as they normally drain you out afterwards.  They had no beds and so I lay there for ages.  They moved me down the ward towards the exit.  I still wanted to go but the nurse and I agreed that it would be a surprise if that were so. 

I then felt really uncomfortable and asked whether they could make me a bit more comfortable.  Yes indeed they tipped me back.  The explanation is there is a slider sheet under me and if they tipped me forward I’d spill onto the floor.  My consultant arrived and delivered what is now the shock news that everything looked OK but that there was a very small tumour inside and that she had whipped that out.  It just seemed a throw away statement and so I shrugged my shoulders and said thanks.  She then said – you can go home when you feel up to it?  Now that did give me a lift. 

However as she walked away I got some real pains in my bladder area and I said to the nurse, I just feel that I need to urinate – he got me a bottle and pulled the curtains.  I have never felt SO RELIEVED as I was then.  I filled the bottle up almost to the spout – no wonder I was uncomfortable.  I don’t know whether my strategy to hydrate had paid off or whether they had left some stuff inside me to work after the surgery?  Who knows?  It was the best piss in the world and it didn’t hurt either.  That was to come later.

Finally they moved me to Ward 5 a surgery ward and the nurse there was lovely and really looked after me.  Getting between the Trolley and my Bed was a bit of an adventure as the Oxygen Mask was still connected as was the Plasma to the back of my hand.  That wasn’t an issue but as I got off the trolley the air pipe lifted up my operation gown so as I said “That was achieved with a total lack of dignity and decorum!”

I had to wait a while until they came with some food – well that’s what they called it and I had that, a drink and then all I wanted to do was go home.  They came and got the Cannula out – what a relief that is.  Then gave me my clothes so I got changed and texted Mrs. F.  As I sent the text Mrs. F. Cruised into view and was surprised that I was ready to go.  I said I’d walk home with her “No she insisted, if I fell over she couldn’t move me and I’d just had a general anaesthetic!”  Of course I wasn’t thinking clearly.  I checked with the nurses that all was Ok and Mrs. F. got the car, collected me at reception and drove me home.  I was home 8 hours after I had left in the morning.  That’s the earliest ever and yet they had taken out the tumour too.  I felt the best I have ever felt after one of these operations.  Sure it hurt urinating for 12 – 18 hours afterwards but you can manage that when you are home.  In your own bed and in familiar surroundings are the best place to be.

It looks as Dave-Sky-Nando (tm) * will be continuing to make visits to the Hospital and the story will go on beyond today and a new page has begun.   There will be more Scar Wars episodes and there will be a journey to continue to travel along.  It just goes to show, you can think you are doing so well and have made huge strides and great progress and Bladder Cancer, the little tinker, can come back and recur.  The good news, as we should all know by now is that it is controllable and with amazing professionals like my Consultant, things are manageable and treatable.

 

Dave-Sky-Nando (tm) * A creation of Steve Kelley Inc. :-)

 

 

 

Wanting to do something rash

I get like this occasionally - I need to go and do something to excess knowing full well that it wont actually do me any good but will allow me to vent my anger and fury and frustration.  I'm actually going out for a beer with an old friend of mine = he is coming over by bus which is a good move as the SG of the beer we are going to have is a whopping 7.3%  That's pretty strong stuff let me tell you.

So a few pints and I won't be up for anything stupid as the alcohol will probably have killed off all my brain cells anyway.

I feel most strange this weekend - perhaps it is because I am reading the CVs of my potential successors or perhaps the nagging in my brain is getting to me or maybe just some other melancholia to do with that.

Even listening to a bit of loud music isn't helping me at the moment.  

Sleep

Well, it didn't end up quite like I expected it to.  I got to bed and had a flash back of the claustrophobia bit I suffered last year and that made me feel quite ill and then the black puppy (it wasn't the Black Dog) came and sowed a little seed of doubt in my mind and for 10 to 20 minutes I came back into my office and just did some deep breathing and a bit of rationalising in my head.

I suppose I was just disappointed about things and the outcome and apprehensive as to what this now means to me.   I'm pre-empting the meeting and what the outcome of that meeting will be and indeed the prognosis.  I was planning ahead for full BCGs and goodness knows what else.  

I realise that I will be having a lot more operations than I thought I would need but there's the rub. 

I was doing quite well until that little voice in my head started.  So far it is a mere whisper and I hope it stays that way.    

What if....

Well what if indeed.  You can't play what if in reality can you, I cannot second guess my Consultant and I think Ii wont but I will mentally prepare myself for something along the lines of a complete re-run of the BCG Treatment and that will include all the Cystocopies along the way too.

I've already resolved that I won't get rid of those for a long time now having found one thing then it seems the right thing to do to be able to keep looking and to keep a close eye on me.

Off to bed now to try and get a good night's sleep in - I have been awake between 2 and 4 most nights and I suppose as I am drinking a lot still to wash out my bladder I need to keep going to the toilet a lot more.

You Read into these things what you will

A letter arrived from the Hospital today.  My OPA is 6th May.  This is perhaps the first time that I have not had to ask where the appointment is.  It arrived just 4 days after the Operation and so I'm thinking, I NEED to be seen and the next steps discussed.

It clashes with something I am already doing but that has just had to be pushed out of the way.  I just have to attend this as somehow the speed of delivery has determined my response.  The results can't be known yet but I'm sure that there is a strategy for dealing with this.  It is also one of those things where "they" were probably expecting some sort of recurrence and I wasn't.

It has been funny the reaction to it so far.  For example I just bumped into my next door neighbour who, having survived lung cancer (having his lung removed) looked devastated and seemed really worried that I might be breathing my last.   Many others are very concerned and in reality, there is a lot to play for yet here.  Consider if you will that I still have the options of treatment and I guess radical surgery if needed, then we are not in an end game situation at all.  

I read into my letter that my consultant needs to see me sooner rather than later.  That this meeting is important yet far enough away not to be urgent.  It shows that just three weeks afterwards there will be a considered decision about the way forward.   That's positive and I will not be worrying (yes I am worrying at the back of my mind - of course I am) or waiting for it to drag out before telling me.

There is a bit of me that thinks this is really bad news - perhaps 1 or 2% of my brain is saying that.  The remainder of my brain and most of my being suggests that - it is serious but not the end of the world or anything more serious than that.