Monday, April 19, 2010

Peculiar times

I'm not anywhere near as upset as I was when I was diagnosed with Cancer and yet, something is gnawing away at me about the current situation.  The "comfort" if you can take any, is that this is controllable and manageable and that I'm in good hands.  If they'd have found this tiny pin prick of a tumour coming up to 4 years ago then I'd have been a lot happier than what they did find.

It feels like a major set back and it probably isn't.  It feels like I've failed somehow and yet that isn't the case either.  It feels like I have managed to beat the odds and the figures that show the longer you go without recurrence the better things are (reading that this is a failure of course).

So that is how it "feels" and there are a number of emotions rolling around.  There is a loss of self confidence.  Another realisation of mortality.  A "fear" of having to re-do the Treatment (even though it may be the right thing to do).  The treatment is challenging, let's face it, character building stuff and all the side effects that go with it are also things to be concerned and aware of.  How glad I was to see the treatment end must be tinged with the reason I'd be somewhat upset to see it return.  Then there are the other concerns and that includes my relationships with friends and family who were just getting used to me returning to normal - maybe even better than normal with my new found freedom of expression (shall we call it).

Perhaps it is the uncertainty that is also unnerving.  Knowing what is going to happen to you is important and understanding why there has been a reversal of fortune is also a prime concern to me.  Did I do something somehow to set off this cancer?  I would have  hoped that I am keeping clear of carcinogens but maybe my diet or other pat of my lifestyle needs changing to give me an even better chance.   It's all playing around in my head and that adds to the mix too.  

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