Then Three Come Along At Once

An old adage about waiting for buses and after waiting for ages three come along together - there is actually an interesting bit of mathematics behind that - but I digress.


I've now got the chance to go for a part time job which will certainly pay the bills and I have an interview next Tuesday for that.  On top of that there is some branding and marketing work needed by someone I know and I've developed a sales plan for someone else.  I wont have the chance to work on all of them at once but there you go - at least I may get something to spend my time on for a while.  They sound like they can use my experience to bring together a program plan and all the stuff they need to operate their business.  Interesting.


I'm not feeling particularly good today, feeling it a bit for my dad at the moment who is slowly and inexorably slipping away from us and the helplessness of the situation.  My mum is going through the grinder at the moment, sitting next to him whilst he sleeps and sleeps.  Things are taking on a new twist now as without a home to move him to, we will have to rely on the Hospital sorting out something for the future.

Next Monday - 2nd July

Good grief - it will be 6 years on Monday since I first saw the presentation of my symptoms - pretty gross stuff called, gross hematuria, It wasn't good :-(  In fact it completely freaks you out if you can imagine peeing what looks like Claret...  Nope not a good day.  However, next Monday, 6 years on is a good day for A as she starts work at the National Gallery in London.  That should make that particular anniversary a more pleasant memory.


What a roller coaster of a ride this has been though.  Mind you, looking at my dad at the moment and thinking of what I had, I am pretty glad that I had something treatable and that I was able to fend it off (this time).  Things aren't great at the moment and I suppose it is only a matter of time before dad succumbs.  He has started to sleep for very long periods and is beginning to lose interest in food too.  Perhaps now is the time to be strong, I feel bad that I can't be there a bit more often but it just isn't possible.  Poor mum she has been constant at his bedside for 6 weeks now and it must be taking its toll.  She sounded very upset last night, especially as the homes thing isn't coming together and neither is dad cooperating.  He is a little angry and frustrated and I'm thinking that he hasn't "come to terms" with himself or his beliefs etc.


I find myself more emotionally fragile now than for some time because I'm not sure that I would be able to do that myself and I can only imagine the stuff that goes through your mind at this late period in your life.  He doesn't appear to be in any pain - which is good but I imagine that unless he makes a late rally, he is just going to slip away from us.  I dislike the idea of keeping him alive artificially but that isn't my call either.  I don't know if my mum was using that to warn him (my Granddad was fed with a tube for the remaining year or so of his life) that if he didn't eat or drink they would be forced to do this?  Hard times, I suppose I hadn't thought of end of life being quite so cruel but on reflection I suppose it has to take a while to shut down and the body is an amazing survival machine.  


It is my mum's birthday on Sunday, I can't imagine it being a great one.  My birthday a few days later, not sure I'll be celebrating it with gusto this year though.

Doesn't Sound Good

Dad sleeping and watch now as he is not eating - more because he is sleeping all the time.  The homes we found either don't do NHS funding or don't have a vacancy or need to assess dad first but we have to wait until we know if we have funding or not.  So mum not too happy tonight and I had to do some more calming and logic type stuff.  It's the Hospital who want the bed, they can't let him leave and go home in the state he is in and if they want the bed then they will have to assist us to move him to a home.  However, I do now start to fear the worst as his situation just appears to be deteriorating daily.  


Mum's tried to cajole him into eating but it makes him feel ill and all he wants to do is sleep all the time.  She's finding it quite an ordeal now, who wouldn't?


I had a call today that was rather interesting, about whether I'd like to go and spend a bit of time doing some Project Management work.  It's a bit of a trek to get there every day but they think they can work out some sort of flexible arrangement.  I don't see why not and it may well be useful to start to put some money into the account and begin to pay myself again :-)  I certainly could do with some cash in the bank that is for sure.  It is an awkward location though and with the Olympics coming up I don't much fancy the travel but perhaps I will be able to use the car for some of it.  Anyway, it will be interesting to hear what they have to say and perhaps to get stuck into some serious Project work again.  It isn't in an industry I've worked in before but it does look to be an exciting possibility and there may be some ongoing work in it.

Going Back - Looking Back

I catch myself looking back sometimes and finding that I don't want to go back.  I mean that I look at the past and the jobs I did and the good and bad times I had there and find that I don't want to be there again; ever.


My background of project and program management, commercial and contractual management and recently business development and PR and Communication all pale away now as I've gained so many new skills in building the business and I know so much more now than I did 2 or 3 years ago.  I see there are jobs that look to be right up my street, within my capabilities and stuff that I can do without too much thinking and without too much stress.  The trouble is that they would be hollow unfulfilled and I'd find myself bored and irritated being in them.


Then again, do I want to do something nice and simple and stress free locally and be told what to do and how to do it - if you no me, you'll also know the answer to that.  Why squander close to 40 years experience?


I'm still no closer to the answer and I'm just doing (or about to do) some fill in work at the moment and I don't even fancy doing that - it's for friends and so that makes it OK I guess.


Well let's see how the week goes...  See if I get any nearer to the answer :-)

Great News

Whilst I was away - A had her results from Uni and has passed her Degree with a 2:1.  We are having the Graduation Ceremony in a few weeks at the Royal Festival Hall - looking forward to that and we are having a big family meal afterwards.


So that's good news - her exhibition was amazing and one of the only ones that actually told a story - but then - I'm her dad so I'm "bound" to say that. :-)


So that's great news - she starts her new job tomorrow week at the National Gallery in London and I couldn't be more pleased for her.  I'm sure she will enjoy her job - I'm delighted that she got the job she really wanted.  

The Funny Side

After 4 days of trauma with mum and dad - it was good to hear that today dad wasn't really great but he managed a good one at the end of the evening.  He's spent a LONG, long, long time  asleep this week.  So as mum was about to leave, she sort of woke him up and said "Sorry, we have to leave you now, it's 8 O'clock and we have to go."  Dad says, smart as you like "Thank God for that, now I'll be able to get some sleep!"


So now you know where I get it from.  He's a good ol' boy :-)  


From what I've read this is the early onset and he'll get more and more tired and slowly slip away from us.  I just don't want him to hang on and not be getting any quality out of life.  My mum was SO upset last week and they love each other so much, they often appear not to.  I find it touching that they have such a great relationship but it is very strange to be a fly on the wall in this - I don't feel qualified for this - but then again - maybe I am :-)


What I dislike about this is that I've never ever ever known my dad be anything but the big strong father figure, the leader of the household and my rock and back stop and that's not what he is now.  For all his dotage, he's deserved my utter respect and it is that high regard I hold him in that hasn't broken the bonds even when he has "challenged" me with his strange attitude to me in latter years - which I now understand must have been this pernicious disease that will take him from us.


I'm being severely tested, once again, as I hold together my brother's old fashioned views and my mother's wishes.  Running the balance is, I find, exhausting and pushing me to the edge in terms of my ability to rationally deal with this as well as letting my (Vulcan like) emotions into the  equation.  By that I mean that I tread the line in holding it all together.  My brother wanted (up until my intervention last week) a miracle, the impossible, the emotional to happen.  My mother is devoted to my dad and I see the love they have for each other and I see that she is hanging on to every thread, every half chance, she jumps in with answers that dad just hasn't got the speed of response to answer upsetting him.  It is actually a trait that I too suffer from and have to stop, I'm a little too quick to respond sometimes - I know the answer and butt in.  Mum is doing this for the right reasons but I had to tell her that dad get's a bit p1ssed off when that happens, he just needs a few moments to gather his thoughts and then answer - slowly and as quiet as he now is.


So, there we are, dad isn't the leader of the pride any more and I feel bad about that and he just looks alone and lost and frightened and I can't do anything for him at all.  I can be there, I can cheer him up - he has always suffered from anxiety and depression (I have no idea why - I'm not allowed to know until after he has died why that is - apparently).


So it's all a bit strange at the moment and I'm not sure what I feel and what the future has in store for me.  I just hope that dad is allowed to end his life in a nice way.  Argggh!  

Bathroom Planning

Well what a long day it has been so far - so many things to plan and work out.  The whole room needs a revamp so that's plastering, fixing the floor boards and all sorts of things.  The trouble is that I'll need to get things ready for the plasterer who needs everything out of the way which is interesting as I'll have to cap off the water, the electrics and the waste pipes etc.  It is now time to start working out the costs - which aren't that bad compared to what I was originally quoted some months ago.  If I do this myself I'll save a couple of thousand of pounds on labour and about a thousand on equipment too.  At least it will give me something to do :-)


It sounds like I might get some work for the next couple of weeks which will be interesting - I need to make a call tomorrow to get that started.


All good fun.

Back to Business

Well today dawned and I had a small lie in as I was pretty tired.  I have to say that it was a pretty traumatic week and more so because I needed to do quite a lot to make sure that my mum was prepared to make a key decision and that dad understood why that decision had been made.  It is very hard when your head tells you one thing and your heart tells you something different.


The "end" is in no doubt but at present it is the side effects of his cancer that have proved problematic.  The triple bypass he had I guess is helping the situation now but dad is frail and isn't exactly going to get any better, in fact, the infection in his Liver and this Diabetes episode are making things pretty much evident that there will be no easy end to this.  Dad continues to deteriorate and just get weaker and less able to help himself.  This isn't  the cancer directly though and that is yet to kick in (so they say). 


Anyway, more will happen this week and I hope that we can get him a nice home, near mum, nicer surroundings and that he will have some peace and quiet.  


I'm back to bathroom planning and additionally to looking at doing some paid work soon too - I got a call last week and there may be the opportunity of earning a few bob on a contract.

Mental Exhaustion

Back from 4 days at my parents.  Been a struggle to keep things together but finally appealed to my brother's head and he agreed that dad needs to go into a nursing home.  I think he really wanted him home but the daily routine I've seen would stretch Job's patience and yo couldn't ask my mum to do these things 24 hours a day.  Certainly the staff told me that there wasn't going to be an infinite number of resources thrown at a situation where my dad would go home. The sheer logistics would be too demanding and the need for registered nursing care etc would become too much.


Having then spent over 2 hours in a meeting about funding and hopefully hearing that it is going forward for consideration and that it should be granted was good and with agreement from my brother and re-assuring myself that my mum didn't feel that she was pressurised one way or the other by my views, my brothers or those of the specialist we arrived at the point of telling dad.  I was all prepared to tell him but mum, bless her went straight to it without waiting for the Social Worker or the Nurse.  I like the social worker, he has been very fair and very straight with us and I had a chat with him and he agreed to turn up today.  He also spoke to dad and explained the NHS point of view about his treatment and why the next interim step would be the nursing home rather than straight home.  


I managed to spend time with dad alone and told him about the meeting we had had and why medically it was difficult for him to come home.  I was very matter of fact and took each of the conditions he has now and explained why it wasn't possible to do these at the house.  I also drew his attention to the noisy environment that he was in now and the relative peace of where he would go also that mum would have more access (I made him laugh saying I wasn't sure if that was a benefit or not).


Mum was pretty distraught as we left but deep down inside she knew she had done the right thing, the last thing dad needs is her to be ill and she would make herself so trying to look after him at home.  The problem would be that we might miss something.  We actually didn't earlier on and realised something was wrong with him which ended up with him on Oxygen for 2 days! That's the sort of issue that means he still needs ongoing medical attention, hence the trauma of telling him that he isn't coming home, just yet.  Perhaps, he sin't coming home at all and he said that to me.  He wondered if he was ever going to get some strength back and not be falling asleep all the time, he thought he would carry on sleeping until he died!  Well, I just had to say that I didn't know what the future held but I was certain that it didn't help being where he was now and that we needed to at least make one more positive step towards him coming home which was to get his condition under some level of control.


Of course, it is all pretty upsetting all around.  In dad's ward was a guy who was dying and his dad was sat by his side.  Bless him the guy looked all in and they were just making him comfortable.  For dad they are trying to balance his diabetes which is the problem right now.  That is now nearing control but additionally the muscle wastage on his legs is such that he is now bed bound and double incontinent (although if you are quick enough.... he isn't).  The trouble is that I watched as his nurse call bell went off for 10 - yes 10 minutes - it then took a further 30 minutes for bed pan to be brought and the whole process to have happened - that's 40 minutes.  It took 25 minutes for him to get 4 tablets down his throat as he gets easily distracted (and doesn't like tablets anyway).  It's all very hard work and then all of a sudden he is back with you cracking funny jokes.  Nurse says "Can I take you blood pressure?"  "Sure" he say "as long as you bring it back straight afterwards"  He does look sad and vulnerable and of course mum is in bits most of the time.  It's been nice to get up there, diffuse the potential family feud that may have brewed with my brother wanting dad home and my mum getting pressure from him.  I was saying to the professionals and my mum that frankly what he and I wanted was totally irrelevant anyway it was what is right for my dad and for my mum that's important.


So a long week and lots of things to think about and consider.  I was surprised how emotional I got when I saw the young man who is dying with his father.  He's a lovely man and no one should really she their child predecease them but he was such a nice man and the nurses too were lovely to him.  I went and got a chair for one of the visitors to his bed and spoke to him and felt so upset for his pending loss, just because here he was in that situation.  I felt about that for my dad for the first time this week.  I hate seeing my mum upset and I've never seen my dad like that - I've seen him distressed but not quite like this and finally I've started to feel the pain of losing him.  I think that my brother and my mum will feel it quite powerfully - they have been much closer to him than I have.  If I think about it, my dad really hasn't had too much to do with me since I was 19 or 20 and so I've not really had him on hand for 35 or so years.  I talk to my mum a fair bit and I suppose my brother and I haven't really been close for well over 20 years now since he reconstructed his life with his new wife.  I doubt that will ever be repaired we used to be - well - like brothers ! :-)  Now we talk to each other and more so recently.  However, on both occasions now that I have been to see my mum and dad - in both cases for 4 days, he hasn't popped around even though he is 5 minutes from the house.  Says it all really!


That will do for now....  Tired, need bed and sleep! 

Off to the Exhibition

It is the week of A's art exhibition and I'm going with her tonight to see it as I can't go tomorrow when everyone else is going.  I'm under instructions to take some photos for my mum.  I suppose I'll be allowed to do that?


It sounds like A will get her results tomorrow so we will know what degree she will come away with and then we are going to line ourselves up for her Graduation day in about a month or so.  I hope that will be a lovely day for her.  I'm looking forward to it.


Tomorrow I'm leaving very early in the morning to get to my mums in time for breakfast.  I'm hoping that I can cheer her up a bit whilst I'm there - and bring a little change of emphasis.  Also staying there (at my parents) will be good and it will give her some company in the mornings.

What to do?

It is a bit strange that I am still no nearer to considering what to do in the future.  I have done some work for one guy and other people can now see the "value" in using me and I'm still not absolutely sure that this is what I actually want or need to do.  It's one of those things that concern me as I really want to get on and do something and yet I don't actually know what it is I want to do.


It doesn't help with instability in the family with my dad and also here at home.  One is serious and the other is trivial but needs sorting just the same.  In a way what ever will be will be with dad and I will have to deal with that as and when it happens.  There will be the inevitable Kubler Ross stuff to deal with and there will be the need for a period of normalising for my mother.  We plan to have her down here with us and I think it might be nice to take her away on a holiday or have some time away at some point so that she can just take a little time away from the house.  I doubt it will be easy to have an empty house and all that entails.  I'm sure that we (my brother and I) wont let that happen.


Then there is some normalising to be done here.  It's coming up to my 6th Anniversary - it will be here very soon indeed.  I actually had some signs about two weeks earlier so in reality the very first show was about now six years ago.  I find myself, rather happily in a much better place than I could have hoped for back then but, of course a lot has happened to me since that time.  Some of that good and some of it pretty bad.  I have "an attitude" today that I didn't have back then and I have a much greater understanding of my abilities but perhaps I have never gotten my head around the one thing that really took a pounding and that's my relationship with my friends, my colleagues and my family.  I consider myself pretty lucky to have my family around me - today was nice and quite rare to see the girls and Mrs. F. all together - even in the same room (iPads permitting)!


What I think though is that I've strained things and now is the time to review and heal that or perhaps find out what the conclusion of those strains may be.  Anyway, that is something that needs to happen as soon as it can.  I'm feeling that much better these days that I can perhaps break away from my protective shell a bit and go do some living.  I just hoped that it wasn't just me wanting to do that - I fear it may be only me that sees things that way.  I mentioned 5 years ago that I thought there would be collateral damage and I fear that there may well be.  Somehow I feel my future may be served in a completely different way - but what do I know :-)

Father's Day

Both girls managed to get me exactly the same card even though they were miles apart!  We are going out for a Curry at lunchtime which will be nice - our local curry house is very good and do a buffet meal on Sunday.  Miraculously the sun has come out (was meant to be a horrible weekend) so that's nice.  Of course, how long it will last is debatable.


So after the curry I can confirm it was all rather pleasant and up to their usual standard.  I stopped short of going for seconds even though it is a buffet as I realise that I'd probably just be getting back to old habits and eating because it was there not because I needed it.


It was a completely democratic affair, the girls paid for the meal, Mrs. F. paid for the drinks and I left the tip....

A Wet Weekend

The third wash out in a row.  Crazy but there you go - it just means that the chances to get out are severely reduced and that I'll be stuck in the house.  I do need to get to the local Chemist and get my prescriptions for my blood pressure.  Interestingly enough my blood pressure remains normal or below these days.  A couple of stone off my weight and healthier food appear to be doing wonders.  I need to schedule in exercise I think too again now.  I haven't had (touches wood) any back problems for about 2 months and so once again think that getting the weight off has helped this.  


When I start exercising though, I will take it easy this time.  I may try the short burst exercises rather than the long 30 and 40 minutes sessions that I used to do.  I have all the stuff I need to do this.  I just need to change discipline to do it.  


I'm the sort of person that needs a catalyst or scene change to go and do the next thing.  I'm drifting along at the moment not certain quite what to do for the best.  Ideally, I would go and help some people getting their businesses setup and get some sort of reward for doing that but something isn't clicking at the moment.  I kind of need a change in routine to happen and I also have got to working the highs and lows of my current situation from all angles.  I think too deep someone told me once (probably more than once).  I do a lot of analysis before I do things and it is why I work well when doing strategy and planning work - that's the way my mind is constructed.  I'm planning our bathroom at the moment and what work will be needed.  I know what sequence the work will take, how long, what materials I will need and so on right down to the number of screws and plumbing fittings required.  Some call that "anal" but in truth, I know exactly what I need to do to build the bathroom.  The critical task is the plasterer who has to come in when everything is clear for him.  After that has dried out I know day to day what I'm doing.....


I realise life isn't quite like that but you need to have a plan.  I have a plan - I just haven't filled it in yet :-)  The mindmap (spider diagram) that I've drawn up is now some 15 sheets long and growing.  Perhaps I'll spend some more time this weekend just sorting that out.

What Weekend

Mrs. F. off early tomorrow to collect L from Cambridge and bring her back - gosh her first year at Uni has gone quickly.  A is off to University to tend her exhibit.  She has to go in early on Monday too.  So I'll be "home alone" once again.  I don't mind too much and it will be nice later on when L arrives - that will liven the place up :-)  She's as crazy as a Box of Frogs or a Barrel load of Monkeys :-) but she makes me laugh as she is so funny.


So a quiet day tomorrow and I might just spend a bit of time practising the piano - I ought to do that!   

Homecoming

Spoke to my mum and she was in two minds about dad coming home but, surprised as I am, I can see the logic in at least trying to achieve that.  The sheer logistics of it are surprising as there will need to be daily visits by the district nurse, various carers and others, a bed is to be provided and all the other equipment needed to look after him.  There's training in how to roll and move dad without hurting him or mum in the process.  


It will be nice if it can happen as dad can see the fields out the back and part of the garden and see out the front too.  That's an improvement on seeing the tops of trees and the sky (if you are lucky) in the Hospital.  It will be peaceful and tranquil and it will after all be home - and home is a secure place to be.  My brother and sister-in-law are 5 minutes away and that too makes it better - at the moment the 30 minutes there and back journey and the waiting around all make for a rough time for my mum.


Well it will be nice if we can get him home I suppose and if that doesn't work then it will be a nursing home and as a further fall back there is the Hospice too.


At last things are moving, seeing dad in that dreadful place was just terrible, he looked so lost and weak and very un dad like...  Father's Day on Sunday so he will have my card which I sent off early.. 

Friends and wetting yourself with laughter

If I were to tell you that some of my friends - whether by design or not - have contributed to my well being by relentlessly taking the piss out of me you may not believe it but actually, that's what happens a lot!  By this I mean that I am very happy for people to take the rise (piss) out of me as long as we all laugh about it and it IS funny.  It mustn't be nasty but it can be black humour and it can be quite withering.


We met up briefly on Tuesday as I came back from one of my meetings but tonight we met up at my local and there was a quiz on - which is always a ball of laughs.  We are - as I describe my daughter - as sensible as a box of frogs!!  We got some real belly laughs out of the audience by answering the questions wrongly.  The best one "Who is buried under Kings Cross Station" - answer is Boadicea - we yelled out was "The Northern Line" which is the underground tube line....  Well it got a muted laugh.


Quiz nights are all about having a good laugh and enjoying the company of the people there.  We did that - it took some pressure off me tonight as I've heard some more about my dad and it is "good" news in that - contrary to my belief they want him to come home - which is the best place in reality but I was never sure that they could - as Jean Luc Picard says "make it so".  They can indeed provide the equipment and the personnel to do this.  In many ways this is what we have been trying for months to find out.  I think that dad would be "happy to die at home" and that mum would be "happy to nurse him" there too.  Given the proper levels of support that may be a much better thing than him being in a home or a hospice.  


I'm surprised that this is an option but I will be very happy if it does come about and that dad can be at home until "the end", it will be much better than where he is now - we all hate it, it is not where dad should be.  It is becoming upsetting to me now.  Dad looks like someone who lived through Belsen and you just know what the outcome is going to be.  for the moment my own life is on hold as I come to terms with his situation and also my own.  The issue being here that all my friends from school, who I was out with tonight, had their fathers die on them over the past 6 years.  One was sudden, one was quick and one was expected and they are very good to me as they understand the problems I have (as a cancer survivor) to see my father going through the final stages in his life in front of my eyes.  At one time I foresaw this happening to me.  It is distressing and only in the last few days have I actually felt emotional about it.  


Last night I read the Marie Curie Nurses web site and the end of life piece and although I know what is going to happen I did have a very solemn moment - reflecting on what it meant to us all.  I see that the person dying in some ways fades away but it is the knowledge that I may not be there at the end that somehow nags at me.  I may explain this later on - it is to do with the "abuse" my mother took at her mother's funeral and how my brother and I turned out to be a little bit like the Kray Twins that day and a bunch of remote family were given a stark choice.  No one ever makes my mother cry with ugly words.  Hell I could have broken bones that day and I'm the quiet one.  However whenever I get near these people, even today, they get the hell out of my way :-)  You can upset me but not my family - ever.  Not sure I'm quite Joe Pesci in Goodfellas but you can imagine my brother and I in that situation.  Funny I should think of that at this time!


I feel that I need to go up next week to spend some time with my mum.  I feel a bit of a fraud as I never felt dad would be allowed home but if that's what is going to happen then I'm pleased.  I'm happy that he may be allowed to spend his last days with my mum and in his own house.  I was beginning to hate the way he was being de-humanised by "the system" where he was.  I hope that he gets home and finds some peace there.

The Future

The recent "disturbance in the Force" :-) for want of a better phrase includes my dad, obviously, many meetings and outings which messed up my diet and of course closing down the business and trying to decide what to do next.  At the moment I'm trying to get some focus on this as things need to be sorted.


I'm trying to weigh up all the things I want to do and realise that there are some great opportunities out there and some exciting things to do but I mustn't give in to making a rash decision and jumping before I've thought this through.  Many have told me to go back into the charity sector but I'm not sure I'd go back to my previous employers - it would be too easy and anyway, my successor is, as I'm certain he would, doing a great job and bringing the enthusiasm of youth to bear on the role.  I may make a few calls to the CEOs and see what they think about me taking a Director level role in a Charity - I would imagine that would suit as it wouldn't be business as usual and it would allow me to use my experience etc.  Of course that's just one thing on the cards.


My diet is OK at the moment although I'm neither on one thing or the other.  I'm eating sensibly interspersed with the odd big meal and beer - but I wouldn't mind some settling back into my slow carb diet.  I haven't put any weight on in the past 3 weeks since I stopped following it to the letter.  I really had no chance of following it but I'm eating roughly the same things and just not over doing any of the stuff that will set me back onto weight gain.


I feel a bit faddy having got the juicer and the slow carb diets going and then stopped them but I will get back onto more healthy eating to a strict diet when things settle down a bit.  I did manage to get some FOCC this morning for the first time in ages.  

Thinking About - Quality of Life

I wonder whether there's a point where the QOL argument and keeping someone alive because  of your oath causes the sort of problems we - along with many others must face.  I think that sometimes I want dad to go to sleep and to not wake up for his sake as well as my mums.  I do find that everyone suffers.  You suffer seeing your father/husband just deteriorating in front of your eyes.  It isn't the person you know - he looks like him - a very thin and drawn - perhaps frightened version.  It isn't how I'd want to remember him and when you hear that cliché that "it was a release" I can now understand that sentiment.  


The family too becomes stressed out and to see someone you love in pain, losing weight, unable to help themselves, completely reliant on others really isn't nice at all.  I do feel that - loss of dignity - is something that I'd find difficult myself to live with and I think that dad is bearing up well on that front.  


You can see why assisted death would be an option for some people as in reality we didn't expect things to be like this and we really expected things to be a little more peaceful and certainly not to end like this in a bed, unable to move, fighting infection and diabetes and many other things.  Somehow, the shock of sudden death may be more acceptable, more painful perhaps but at least it wouldn't be this long drawn out process for him and us.


I do feel so sorry for him and for mum.  I'm sort of distanced from it and also don't have the day-to-day agony of it but somehow I wish it is concluded quickly for both their sakes.  It isn't going to be nice it isn't great now though so perhaps it would be the fairest way out.  But as my dad often told me "Life's not fair boy" :-) 

Preparing to go up again

It is now 4 weeks since dad went into Hospital.  I've been up for four days a couple of weeks ago but I'm guessing that I ought to go up next week.  Dad is sleeping a lot more these days and is becoming more incontinent.  He;s painfully thin and has no energy and apparently just looks very sorry for himself.  That's not surprising is it really?


I hope to hear that we will hear tomorrow what they are going to do next.  Coming home - no I can't see it but perhaps we will find out something more tomorrow.


I think I have the week free next week and I've just got to move some stuff around (non important) and go and do some supporting of my mum and my brother and his wife who have borne the brunt of it so far.

A Coordinated View

So we find out after close to 4 weeks that Dad's Liver problem was acute and it was good that he came in to Hospital and get that treated.  Now call me stupid but no one has ever mentioned his Liver as a problem until the last few days!!!  So there you have one of the problems we are facing.  We thought he was in there because of a diabetic problem and all along they were also treating his Liver issues.  Now he is stable - of course he is still suffering from Cancer and that is progressing.  But why oh why did it take almost 4 weeks to tell us.  Well it appears that different doctors all tackle different areas and so we've only ever seen the diabetic guys.


Hopefully something is now being done about telling us what the hell is going on.  The problem appears to be that not one person or department is taking a holistic view each is tackling their own fiefdom!  Anyway - let's hope that they finally get their act together and resolve this in the next day or so.  That way we might be informed of how things are.  Poor old mum is getting all stressed out about things now and if someone would just make a decision it would be nice.