And worse

It's close to 11 at night and I've just spoken to my brother who has filled me in on the latest. Dad's managed to climb over his bed rails and crash to the floor injuring his face! He doesn't know where he is and he thinks some of his fellow patients are ex-workmates and it is all getting very sad now. Mum is pretty distressed, of course, and well we are just going along with it all. It just makes for a terrible time for everyone, apart from dad who is out of it a bit and isn't really sure where he is, or why he is there but does know and accepts that he has cancer now.

I suppose we consider that we get the bad news and just sit back in our chairs waiting for the end to come and then for a few days retire to bed, call the family around and breathe our last and actually it isn't like that at all is it? This is just horrible and draining on the family and my brother and sister in law and mum are taking the brunt of it.

I'm sat here at the moment toying with the idea of going up to see him but I can't see that it will actually help the situation one bit. I need to find a hotel and with my inherent love of hospitals (even though I am much better now) it isn't actually going to be of any use, other than "being there". I think I just need to be on call at the moment and to be aware that I could be called up at any time. I'll sort out some phone numbers tomorrow in terms of hotels etc so that I can ring around and get that done.

It's all going back to the guilt trip stuff again and if they were here, local, even an hour away I could do something. If I were to go up for the day I can kiss 6 or 7 hours away just driving. It's just the way it is. I'm hoping that there is improvement tomorrow but it does now sound like there's been quite a significant progression and that the cancer has spread to his Colon and if that is the case then it's likely that other areas are getting infected and compromised too.

It's a sad way to go and it's never nice I suppose to consider that it's your dad and there's a highly intelligent man, a very strong man too laid so low and looking so thin and helpless. Let's hope they can sort him out sufficiently so that we can get him home - where he'll be happy and let him end his days there if possible.

Today I think it dawned on me that this is a turning point in his cancer and what is frightening is how quick this is all happening and how this particular form of cancer is so virulent and aggressive.