My Breaking Point

Tonight I felt bad - I felt bad because I'm stuck here hundreds of miles away from my family that moved from this area (where I've lived most of my adult and pretty much of my childhood years). I feel helpless and I feel cold and useless. I feel like I'm making some petty point, scoring some points over my family who have probably only come back down this way twice in the ten years or more they've been away from this our local area, where we were all brought up and where we all used to live.

I know it is not true but my brain is telling me that I'm some sort of "second class citizen" some sort of "shit" who can't be bothered with his immediate family and who isn't playing his part.

It is my mind that is playing out this gladiatorial battle of wills. I'm the wronged party and then the next second I'm the wilful miscreant who isn't "doing his duty" and running up and down the hundreds of miles to look after my parents. Then the "little voice" is saying in my ear "When did they ever come and see you when you were ill?". "What did they do when you were curled up in the foetal position recovering from your treatment" and suddenly the little devil sits on my shoulder and whispers into my ear what a "Heartless bastard" I am and I cry. I cry because I feel so bad about this situation, I fear that my words are unheeded and that a decision my father has made has sealed his fate. He doesn't want treatment, operations or anything else, he's accepted that his time is run. The epiphany I see is that this is far from the truth and that there are other ways but dad's "old fashioned" he is set in his ways, he understands the facts one way and I understand them another.

It's all a bunch of bollocks and just too upsetting and too confusing to discuss. It is because of family, history, science, fact, fiction and many other factors that I now realise that I can't save my dad. I'm no healer, I've survived cancer and "so what?" Can I save my dad, can I save anyone? What qualifications do I have, how likely is it that I'm right about the Budwig Protocol, will that help him, will he believe it can and so on.

That is what will now send me to bed tonight upset. I am human, I am fallible, I am useless, I can't save my dad, I can't get to him in 10 minutes, I can't ease his pain, I can't do a lot. I can talk to them and I can probably help that way but other than that - I am utterly powerless to do anything. Test my faith? Of course - it pushes it to the utter limit and beyond.

Tomorrow will be another day and a defining one at that. I hope for good news and some sort of resolution. I fear that my father has opted to die, give in and succumb. It was never in my plans to do so and I'd have like to have thought it wasn't in his either.

I am rambling on - it's the way of it - I want him to die on his own terms, in his own way and without the complications and ugly hanging on bit - he will not want it like that and neither would I like my family to go through that. As for me - I'd like him to think that he could join with me to defeat this but I fear that he is beyond that level now and that his mind is set on the future none of us want to see.

So I entitled this my breaking point and what I meant was that tonight I really have, for the first time, realised that I am going to need to step up to the plate now. I need to put aside my silly prejudices and to just concentrate on the situation to hand. Too many people are taking the easy shot at me and it hurts like hell that I'm not nearby, that I'm not involved, not that emotionally attached either and that the way they treated me is diametrically different to the way they'd now like me to treat them. They can't have it both ways.