Mixed Evening

I was out with my school chums - it was a lovely evening but was interspersed with news of my dad and his situation. It isn't great and it isn't good but it is so difficult to judge - at a distance - what to do. I mean I can drop everything and go up there or I can wait to hear what is needed and do something then. As it is, I'd like to go up but what actual good (other than physical presence) can I be?

Here's the problem. What earthly good am I being there. I can't sit with my dad, there's visiting times etc. I can sit with my mum when needed I suppose? I can be there when required but when is that? I could just move up there I suppose. None of these are actually possible when you think about it. It isn't going to happen and whilst I fully expect to get the call to "get up here now" that isn't where we are, but I'm not absolutely sure where we are if I think about it.

I can imagine that mum isn't great as she is at home worrying. My brother is at home worrying and I went out of my way tonight to get a few extra beers down my neck and lean on my friends whose fathers have both passed away. They were great tonight and I'm sure they will be good for me later this year (or next) or whenever the time will be. It is a problem, it is a worry but my friends will be there for me and help me get through this.

Talking of which, let me mention a very good friend of mine who is a Samaritan. I have so much regard for him and he is one of my oldest and dearest friends. He gives up his time (and lots of it) to listen to people who phone with all sorts of problems. They give their time freely and I'm completely in awe of these people who just do this on a voluntary basis. Having met some of them I'm very privileged to have been in their company they are truly wonderful, self giving people who do things that you and I could never do. I feel that they may be a good help to mum, dad and perhaps my brother in the days and weeks ahead.

I think that my experiences have insulated me at the moment. I feel that I am thumping out the logic, reason and stability messages, the rock in a hard place but actually I found myself quite upset today. Not for the reasons you may think though. Dad's got to come to terms with this. My brother is taking the brunt of it and his wife is also helping. As you are probably aware - I'm no great fan of hers but she does what she does, she's pragmatic and strong and you need that too. Me, I feel for my mum and the hole that's opening up. It isn't her wish that the past 10 or 15 years have been lived in the way my father wanted it to be lived. She's not one for not participating but has done so to keep the status quo. She has given up her life for dad and in a way I want her to then go on and free up and go and have her own life after giving her all to dad.

Her giving it up meant that they haven't gone on holiday for years. That she hasn't been to family dos for years and so on. In a way I will rectify that when dad is gone as long as she decides that that is what she wants. I think she deserves some time out and a few good holidays if you ask me. "That side" of the family never came down to see me when I was ill, never came to my birthday party or those of my children and never made it down for Christmas etc. I haven't spent Christmas with my family for 15 or perhaps 20 years.

What I'm annoyed about is how "upset" I've become about this as it has never worried me before and it hasn't been important and yet now it is. There's no reason for it apart from the expectation that somehow it is I who have to change my ways and the relationship now. I've never changed, complained or got upset about it until now and suddenly I'm the "bogey man" it's my fault that I didn't move up there, that I happened to still live in the same house I've lived in for 23 years whilst they've all moved three, four or five times and each time further away from me.

I feel terribly guilty - I feel that I am beating myself up all the time and I'm sure I shouldn't be. I feel awful, I feel that I wont be there in time when dad dies, I feel so many terrible thoughts at the moment that it doesn't make me sleep and yet I know that logic defines that there isn't anything I can do. No one suffered my pain with or for me when I was ill. No one drove down to see me. Friends I knew came from Europe to see me but my parents never came down. I went to see them. I reassured them I was all right, I even took my family up to see them as well.

I just feel terribly guilty and wonder why I should - when I was ill no one, but no one came to see me - I'm not saying that it's right but just that I don't see why now it should be so different or what has changed. Of course it's my dad, he's not got long to live and I WILL go up and see him as often as I can - it's just the way I'm being treated at the moment which is somewhat galling. Perhaps I should just rise above it all - perhaps that - after all - is the way forward.