What a horrible cold that was - - it made working almost impossible but at least today I'm somewhere nearer normal (for me that is). Spoke to my dad who was in good spirits and to my mum who is looking forward to hearing from Macmillan Nurses as she agreed with me it would be easier to talk to them without the attached emotion. I'm far too matter of fact about things as I've been through it before and also it's my own protective mechanism I think. It's my way of trying not to be hurt.
I'm pretty upset about dad, of course I am but that doesn't mean that I can change things or that life will not take its course. That's the tragedy of all these things. Dad reckons he isn't going to have anything done to him and if that's the case, then things are going to go down hill very fast indeed. The surgeon couldn't do the procedure yesterday and so they will (or might) suggest that they do a bypass. That's great it would ease the problems and isn't like a Whipple operation but he's suggesting that even that is more than he wants. It is his decision and as long as it is made in an informed way then we all have to live with his decision. Whilst I question his decision making process at the moment (wanting to drive the car when he clearly shouldn't IMHO).
I now see that I've built a wall here that is needed to hold myself together a little bit. It's a little bit selfish but as you can imagine this opens up stuff that I've banished from my mind or carefully tried to lock into an area of my mind to forget what it was like for me and my family. I can see it kicking off again and I'm just putting up an arms length type approach so that I don't injure them or me.
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