Purveyor of DOOM and Bad News

Why is it that I feel that the optimism of my Mother and Brother and Sister In Law is misplaced?  


Well, it's like this.  Dad cannot stand unaided, he can't get up and go to the toilet or look after himself because his brain signals and his ability to physically respond to them are in different time zones.  He's not able to maintain normal functions and everyone thinks he is going to come home after a "bit of physio" and - sorry to say - no he isn't.  I hate being the arsehole in this time but someone surely has to be the hard nosed git that sees it as it is?  Dad's not going to get better he is unable to maintain basic functions and sad - and believe me IT IS sad - he's on a path that no one can halt and no one can help other than those who are specialists in Palliative Care.  


I fear going up there as I will be the catalyst that kicks off the process of end of life.  Sounds worrying sounds a bit far fetched - or is it?  Oldest Son, perhaps no one can let what is about to happen without my attendance and say so?  Perhaps it needs me to be there to start the process?  I don't know really and I guess it is my job - my destiny?  Do I need to be there to - grant permission for my father to die?  I really hope not.  I hope that no one waits for me or that I have anything to do to delay this.  My brother wanted me to go up earlier this week and I've held back for this and for other reasons.  No one has actually stated what is wrong with my dad or any other thing about it either.  There's the problem, no one knows, if I HAD gone up earlier this week I'd still be in the situation I'm in now.


I really hope that dad isn't waiting for me to "give permission" to go ahead with this next stage in his "life".  Hell that would be a bad thing on my conscience.


At least I'm free of work and can just spend whatever time is needed doing whatever is needed in the next days or weeks.  This is the problem with remote family.  If they had been local - like they used to be - it would be no problem to cover all the rota and to assist and even the girls who both drive could have helped but since everyone buggered off over 120 miles away - we find it difficult to get there even by train (which is an hour or more longer than by car).  


I beat myself up constantly but I've not moved house since 1988!  I think that my parents have moved 4 or 5 times in that time and 2 of those have been in a far distant place.  I don't mind, it is their choice entirely and it isn't my decision but I feel so guilty (yes I know I shouldn't).  The trouble is that I wouldn't have chosen to live where they did or where my brother lives - 5 minutes from my parents.  


I have no idea why I feel so bad now - it wasn't my decision and it wasn't part of my plan and it was their decision and theirs alone - yet somehow - peer pressure gives me the responsibility. I will step up to the mark on Sunday because, everything that I need to do here is cleared and I can go do what I need to do without affecting my own circumstances.  Damn it sounds callous writing this but I suppose as "Responsible Adult" or "Head of House" it is my responsibility on my watch to sort this out.  I will do so and I'm ready to do that and to broker what ever is needed in the coming days, weeks and I suppose months.  


I really don't want my dad to die but that's what is going to happen.  I hate seeing him the way he is now because it isn't my dad I see, it is this frightened man who has meant a lot to me being eaten away by this pernicious disease.  Of course, it hurts like hell as I survived and he isn't going to and the problems are compounded by that knowledge and that experience.  It really is difficult as I will need to "be strong" for the family and thereby be the "hard man" the face to those who will turn up to the funeral and so on.  I'm preparing myself for this role and whilst I hate it I know that I'll get good support from my family and from my friends.  I said some time ago that all my close friends had lost their fathers and how lucky I was to have my father around.  They will be a great support to me in what lies ahead.


I do have enough faith left to believe that there is a soul and that the spirit leaves the body and all we see after death is a shell and NOT the real person.  As my friend told me when his father died, he saw him and said "that's not my father, it looks like him, but it wasn't the body that was him, it was everything about him."


Well, in a way that's the way it is, my dad is the entirety of the experience and not the shell in which it is captured.  No doubt I'll be expanding on this in the next weeks.  I just hope that I can live up to his standards and that he will think well of me and we will part on good terms.  There is no reason that we cannot do that at all but let's hope that we spend the right sort of time together at the end and that we part on the level.