It is funny that I forgot all about myself being ill last week - except when it came up in conversation and over the weekend I met up with a number of people who remember how ill I was all those years back. It is strange because I've only very recently started to feel well in myself again after all this time. I've been looking at my progress and the diet has brought about a smaller and fitter me and I'm not feeling as exhausted or not quite with it. It is so difficult to put your finger on one thing. It was like talking about my dad's illness. He just didn't feel right but the changes were so gradual and any symptoms were not easy to see. Gradually over a long time things changed down to going out, going away on holiday and other imperceptible things.
SO if there is a wellness factor I'd put myself at about 85% at the moment in terms of how I feel about myself and how well I feel inside. I've still got a fair way to go but I'm feeling just fine at the moment.
I think that the situation with dad is a little strange - I have no experience of what it is like to have one of your parents die and so at the moment whilst I'm resigned to the fact that it is going to happen I haven't really been too overly stressed or phased by things. They will be what they will be and I suppose I'll just have to tackle it at the time and as it comes. I think it will be dealing with the living that will be the problem. I tend to have a view that things will come to pass and that life has run its course and realistically we are all heading to the same fate. There's no one can cheat this one, no money or anything else will stop the inevitability of it. It is just what happens to you and the later (sometimes) the better. When your work here is done, it's time to move on. I had some interesting chats with my mum. She has some views that I certainly don't about death and also how people use words. She objected to her brother's son calling his remains "the body". I suggested that a body isn't the person, just the shell and outward manifestation and that the "soul" (if I can call it that) and the body combined are the person. Dad's still dad, his mind is OK but terribly confused at the moment. He looks 100 and yet he is just 82. His body is falling apart and that's the problem. Of course, that is just my view and there are others of course who might argue with that but we deal with it the way we need to.
I'm therefore in an interesting place with how I'm feeling about dad's illness. In some ways, and PLEASE don't think me wicked or heartless, I'd like him to go to sleep and there be an end to it. Of course I don't want him dead but neither do I want to see him suffering and being "kept alive" by professionals sworn to uphold life when it really isn't going to benefit him or when it is going to make whatever suffering he has now go on any longer. In a way that would be better and yet who am I to request it? I think he would request it too if he could. I've already accepted what is about to happen and the stress of last week was that I could not assist directly (I'm sure there was some relief to my mum and dad might have been pleased to see me) but it was watching him just lying there, helpless that was more concerning and telling him that I wasn't allowed to move him in and out of bed in case I hurt him. He didn't get it but if you would have seen him it was obvious that you could easily damage him - he is so frail.
Anyway, the upshot of this is that I'm just waiting to hear how things are and to work on getting back up when called on. I battle with the feelings of wanting to be there and supporting but, as my mum said, they knew that they were moving away from us and that it wouldn't be possible for me to do that. I guess that is true and I know I've argued long and hard about that but if I need to forgive myself anything it is that I cannot be there everyday and that I can only do what I can do, my family are here and that's where MY priorities must be. I often find my brother and sister-in-laws attitude about this laughable in this area as they remind me of all the support they give my parents and yet in this vast country, when they moved, they are 5 minutes walk away! The making me feel guilty trip is used - I'm not sure it is in a vindictive way - but always makes me laugh as my brother once told me of his wage cut. He took a wage cut that was the total of my wages for the whole year and at the moment the "Which bit of I haven't earn't anything in 2 years do you not understand?" always makes me chuckle :-) He was telling me how much he'd spent on equipment for dad (frames, wheelchair, lift and other such stuff). I think it is "guilt" money, he's bought dad a Guitar, Clarinet and Harmonica and loads of other stuff too. Why? It's not as he would have the strength let alone the inclination to play them?
It will be interesting to see how the relationship progresses. He has managed to p*ss my mum off too and perhaps just needs to turn on supportive rather than confrontational mode! I think he is dealing very badly with the whole situation and isn't accepting things for what they are. Another thing to deal with on my list :-)
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