Attitude Change

If you've read this blog for a while you are probably as aware as I am that my "mood" is a transient thing with a life of its own.  I surf the highs and lows of life sometimes many times a day and I can be up one day and down the next for no particular reason.

Today I caught myself, quite unexpectedly, thinking about my dad and I have great vision and I could see him in his bed and he got a twinge and it hurt and I remember asking him if he needed anything for it and he said it passed pretty quickly and I found myself quite upset by this.  I was upset because he was in pain and I recollect that it was his distress that hurt me more than anything.  I wonder if a lot of this up and down is to do with his death you know?  Apart from the day he died and comforting my mum a few times in the days afterwards I've not been too bad really.  I probably appreciate that we all die and all that stuff and for various reasons whilst these things are sad they are also part of the course of life (although that's a strange word to use I suppose).

I was probably more upset than anything about the helplessness of it all in the end.  The last few months were a slow and inevitable slipping away but not without the problems associated with him being bedridden and plenty of other stuff that goes along with that.  I probably saw that and remembered that my Granddad was in hospital for a very long time too and I really don't fancy that much.  I suppose if you have enough drugs and stuff that it may not matter to you the individual.  It plays heavily on your family though.  So this vision arrived and I felt very sad for him, as I feel for anyone in distressed circumstances and that was the trigger.  It wasn't that he died, it was that he may have been in pain or suffered.  

Talking to her doctor my mum had a chat about things and it appears that dad was extremely lucky that he had only minor pain and of course they do treat that seriously and effectively.

I imagine that Christmas won't be great for my mum and she is going to my brothers for Christmas this year - she will come to Christmas with me in 2013 and so that's good.  I wanted her to come this year to us to be away from the house but there you go.  I can imagine that it wont be a great time as dad liked Christmas and had lots of lights and decorations around the house.  It wont be the same and I don't suppose my mums and my birthdays will ever be the same as he died the day before my birthday and two days after my mums.  Bless him, I don't think he knew what the days or dates were as it would have distressed him to know it was mums birthday.

Surprisingly given this today has been a lot better.  I got my morning suit trousers I've been waiting for but they weren't exactly the ones I expected and Mrs. F. has done a brilliant job shortening the legs as they arrived not completed.  I didn't order them like that but hey ho - they fit a treat now and they need braces which also turned up today which is great as I need to wear them tomorrow.  I discovered that there had been some sort of leak (probably the torrential rain we had a few months ago) that had caused my wardrobe to get slightly damp which has ruined a couple of garments and consigned one of my suits to the cleaners to see if it can be saved as it has light mould on it.  What a nuisance it also got onto both of my guitar cases which are stored there but luckily not on to the guitars themselves.

Tomorrow I am picking up my friend early and we are heading off to a Lodge meeting.  He will be driving me next weekend and so I'm happy to do this.  It also means that I won't be drinking so that is also a good thing as they drink a lot at their meetings and often that means a thick head the next morning.  Not tomorrow though!

I'm in a good mood all around even though I got the wobble about my dad midday.  Other than that all is well - but give me time - that can and does quickly change!