Mid Way

And now I'm midway between a high and a low and it is one of those things I guess.  The Sun is out and so that cheers the mood.  A chat with Flocky Bicep and spoke about what we need to be doing in the next few weeks has given me some things to look at too.

I can't say that I'm particularly in a happy place because I'm not.  I am trying to be very careful that my moods do not affect any judgement calls I make.  By that I'm overly concerned that I'll do something silly or impulsive which I am prone to do when I'm out of my normal happy INTJ area of comfort which just happens to be now :-)

INTJ types aren't great at situations with people and because often these don't make sense they often don't understand what is going on - well that's me exactly.  Past experience tends to make decisions even narrower and fall short so that I don't go over the line (wherever that may be).  So I'm very cautious in this area - perhaps too cautious.  I don't read the signs at all well.  The other downside is that I can go off the rails and overdo things but this mainly tends to be drinking too much.  However the upside is that I just go to bed and sleep it off and realise why I stayed for "just one more".  I then tend not to do that again for quite a while :-)  Gone are the days of drinking and smoking all night although I occasionally will do a late night I certainly don't drink right through.

So having said all of that I'm not quite in that level nor do I intend to get there either.  I am overly cautious though as I dislike upsetting people - and I've done that whether I knew it or not over the past 7 years.  What it feels like is that everything I've built will come crashing down around me if I really say what I think but I just don't know - perhaps I'm overreacting or not reading things right (likely) and that's the problem.  

I suppose, to try and get this into some sense for anyone who isn't me, I could try and sum it up like this.  I consider the thrust of my problems to be 60% of my own making and 40% of my current home life.  Only I probably know that breakdown.  Of the 60% some of that is known and understood and it has taken me 6 years to try and get some level of understanding around that.  the 40% is hinted at but I fear that bringing that up will leave me without anything.  I mean no home, no marriage and so on.  I fear that because I don't know how broaching the subject other than being hurtfully honest (brutally honest) is possible I can think of no subtle way of saying that I no longer enjoy living here and that some of my problems can only be down to that.  I could lose everything and burn my bridges and yet is that really my problem?  

I'm not saying it very well here but I find part of the problem is to do with the changed me and that because of that I will affect those nearest to me even more than I affected them in the past 7 years.  I now see that I wasn't great to live with before Cancer - maybe for some years leading up to being ill.  I don't suppose that matters to them - it matters to me.  I sometimes feel a bit like a ghost here anyway as rightly or wrongly they just all get on and do stuff around me and don't involve me.  Then again, I'm not the sort to want to join in and go shopping and that sort of thing either.  I don't fit here anymore and that's a survivor problem.  In some ways I'm here because I didn't die. 

Life's a bit of a tangle at the moment.  I've made myself go and do things later this month (and earlier this year) to force me to start living again.  Making myself go out and interact, meet people and so on.  It's a big move for me to start to get doing things again to start to get out of the house.  I suppose seeing my dad's predicament also spurred me on too.  However, I want to do a lot more and I feel my current environment isn't set up to do that. 

Oh well it is difficult to set it down on paper / blog and that sort of shows how complicated it is.  It isn't a single thing, it isn't something that can be resolved easily either.  We are looking at the mind of a cancer survivor who has a wish to use the remaining time to do something (sorry that's about the best I can come up with) and finds that in his household only he thinks like that and whilst everyone is being very accommodating about it they are drifting away from him at the same time.  No one has any of the same interests anymore, we all do different things now and the unit where we all did things together shattered sometime ago and more so when I got Cancer (I really wasn't up to going out and doing stuff they wanted at that time).  Habit and circumstance means that we have very few common interests left.

Anyway - enough written as it is going around in circles.