"When I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide
Where I stop and I turn and I go for a ride
Till I get to the bottom and I see you again.
Do, don't you want me to love you
I'm coming down fast but I'm miles above you
Tell me, tell me, tell me, come on tell me the answer
You may be a lover but you ain't no dancer.
Helter skelter, helter skelter
Helter skelter."
Life is definitely back at the bottom today and yet it was all quite good last night and then morning came and the same old same old as I woke quite alone on a Sunday, very late (and I've been sleeping late - another sign of good old Mr. D. returning for me). What I hate about this is that it's like that most days, I get up on my own, cook for myself (which I do most of the time), and then I appear to exist in another dimension whilst things happen around the house around me without appearing to coincide with where I am and without us crossing tracks at all sometimes.
The thing about my depressions is that they aren't long lived but they are a little too frequent for my liking and they are without real rhyme or reason and they can go in an instant, so good am I at acting my way out of them and being cheerful and with it. Yet even now I realise that I must be difficult to live with as I'm in my quiet reflective mood - I'm not moochy or nasty, angry or disagreeable, I'm just awful quiet and withdrawn and deep in thought most of the time.
Mrs. F. suggested we do something on Tuesday when she is off work but I have no idea what that might be. I also have no idea if on Tuesday that I will enjoy doing whatever it is we may want to do anyway, my mood will determine that I suppose.
For weeks now I have been having the most vivid dreams and episodes that circulate around relationships and places of work and that sort of thing. I've heard very little back from anything and whilst I realise that is the way things often happen, it adds to the tension but also, strangely enough it adds to the paradox. The paradox being that I'd probably like the job but hate the travelling and yet the job would provide position, money and power and that would overshadow the travel yet as I found last week I hate travelling on the crowded train services.
I prolong my own deliberations because whilst these jobs would be amazing and give me many things they wouldn't ultimately answer the questions or solve the problems that I have. This is the bottom line of it. It doesn't actually matter what the job is because it is nothing to do with that - other than anything I do must support my ultimate objectives to live the remainder of my life doing what I want to do (I know I don't know that either). The fact is that none of the jobs would improve things as they stand, they might accelerate the change or make it possible for me to change, they might even put off the process of change as well and just let the problem fester?
I don't foresee an easy way out on all of this because it is so complicated and yet one of the dreams made it all so easy. There was I away from here, no real complications in life, a small cottage, a local pub, fabulous walking countryside and someone to share it with who just enjoyed doing the same things and the late summer sun played across the garden and glasses of wine sparkled on the patio table whilst insects and birds darted through the shafts of light caused by the branches of the trees. That's the dream of course and it doesn't always come true.
The difficulty must be that anyone who knows me must think I've got it all made here. Two kids who are normal, well educated, one earning, a nice house in the village, a steady life and a nice area to live in etc. Perhaps it is me and my dark reflections that is the only one who doesn't like it. Oh well, bed time now and I'll see how I feel in the morning.
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