It's all in your mind

"Mr. Tweedy, all in your mind!"  - good old Chicken Run - a harmless piece of entertainment if ever there was.

I've been troubled by many thoughts in these past few years, it's getting worse and and whilst I have a potential resolution to these I am actually uncertain if it will actually resolve things.  I'm being obtuse on purpose at the moment as I'm exploring scenarios and thinking things through very thoroughly, such is my way.  I'm normally like this but then normally it is to do with business and not personal life.

As I write, Bridge over Troubled Water has just come on - poignant indeed.  Most, if not all of the problems I have are almost without exception my problems.  The reason I say that is that it was my illness that led me to make some fundamental changes and those changes place me at the centre of that change, no one else has been asked to change and neither do I want my illness to change them.

That was difficult to write and it still isn't clear is it?  Let's try again.  The person most affected by Bladder Cancer was me.  Whatever the outcome, life would continue in a normal and predictable way because there was nothing that the remainder of the family could possibly do to affect the outcome even if they had changed their lifestyles it wouldn't have made a jot of difference to my fortune in surviving.  If we assume that everyone was travelling along in the same general direction at the time of diagnosis, things were going well enough and life functioned much as it had done for many years.  Post diagnosis, it is as if I am a totally different person, I still have my absurd sense of humour and if anything I am a much lighter touch person, far more tolerant than I was and generally a much nicer all around human being.  But that isn't the actual point still.  I am changed in terms of outlook and attitude and now more than ever struggling to work out what I am going to do next.  As such, I look to have diverted off the general direction everyone else was travelling in.  I'm off some side road (perhaps a cul de sac) trying to get my new Sat Nav to work properly.  I have a vision of how things could be in the future and the frightening thing is that I doubt anyone will understand or appreciate what I want or why I should want it. Why the hell should they, it isn't about them it is about me and the last thing I want is to impose my new sets of values, principles and ideas on them.

I'm full of great ideas and things that I could do but I do not see these being huge money spinners nor do I see them being much more than some sort of fantasy at the moment.  I hated going up to London (and back) the other day it was uncomfortable to say the least.  My claustrophobia is taking more effort to control and I am I'm not getting things done despite having time to do things - I spend time at the moment researching various ideas and trying to see if they are feasible or just pipe dreams.

In essence though I'd like to work for myself and in two or three areas that look as if they could complement each other but I'd need to make sure that the conditions will be available for them.  I can only see them being successful if I have the full cooperation of the family and I currently doubt that I do have that.  So it's a bit of a double edged sword in the fact that I probably can't do what I want to do without cooperation which I currently may not have.  Urggghhh, it's just so difficult to get some sort of plan together, it's probably more complicated than the biggest projects I've ever handled :-) The Risk profile is horrendous too.