Hello New Life

Just over the horizon, I can see the light just beginning to glow, the promise of a new life, a new start perhaps.  I feel mainly excited about it and I feel charged.  Of course I'm a little scared too because it is that step off into the unknown.  I've taken those sorts of steps before of course.  Setting up my own business for the first time, that first contract, those first invoices and would anyone buy my services?  

I'm no longer afraid though because I've finally known what it was like to be afraid and Bladder Cancer frightened the daylights out of me.  Each operation and wheeling down to theatre - would I wake up?  Would they find something that would point me towards an uncertain future?  It's all very scary.  I suppose there's one thing about you getting really bad news - at least you know you are going to die and can do something about it?  That's sounds very churlish just writing it but I wonder what my dad thought when they said - sorry - it's terminal and gave him 6 months to a year.  I was surprised as some of the people I knew who had it didn't last a month.

So - not afraid, a little apprehensive I suppose, a few doubts but as I bumped into Mrs. F tonight and she asked if I was OK I said "kind of" and was she and no she isn't.  But here's the thing, it is hard being under the same roof, things will change when I move out - they will have to because this status quo will be broken.  I will no longer be here and I will at last be able to throw off the invisible shackles that bind me to this house and to the family the way it is.

I see a fractured family at the moment and that too is understandable.  Mrs. F. is in a sad place so the house is also quite miserable too.  I try my best but of course, having someone making light of the situation of trying to be my usual cheerful self isn't what's called for I suppose? 

I've made some minor plans for later this year - a black tie do in June which I am looking forward to.  I've a few gigs I fancy going to and other than that I am wondering whether to get myself away for a few days somewhere warm.  Just for a break and to recharge my batteries.  There are opportunities to go for a few weekend breaks like Ladies Nights.  The trouble with those are of course, they are for couples :-)

It will be interesting to look back on this year and see what has happened.  I thought last year that I may be in this position but also felt that I would have had a big corporate job and that would have allowed me to sort things out financially - of course it didn't quite happen like that.  Of course mid year all hell broke loose and then in August I explained to Mrs. F. that it was all over and in many ways the last 6 months have been really difficult as I remained in the house and changed the original plans of her moving out to me moving out.  I need to balance the fact that whilst I thought that I would have my business up and running by now - the bottom line is it doesn't matter when I start it as long as it is planned and executed correctly.  You could look at it that I'm "losing money" but that isn't the right way to look at it at all.  It will all drop into place in good time.

So just out of touching distance is this new life.  The opportunity to make something happen, to free my spirit, to enjoy my life, to do what I need to live and to work at building a small business and to make enough from that to live and that's now all I want to do, live, be healthy, be happy, bring happiness to others and enjoy life.