We Have Forgotten Who We Are

 I am old enough to remember that despite the troubles of the 1970s and 1980s when London could be dangerous with bombings and the like, the people were generally law abiding citizens and you didn't seem to get the anger and dare I say it, self entitlement that you do these days.

Rose tinted glasses perhaps?  I liked London for all the reasons a young hot blooded youth would.  Live music, drinking (not so much restaurants) later on the theatre but you could have a good time and generally not have any trouble or problems, travel was easy and getting there and back wasn't a problem plus I had the stamina of youth - I probably didn't need to sleep for a month (no not really).  I could do a day's work then meet some friends go to various places to see a band have a beer and then get the second to last train home and be up two or three hours later on my way to work again.  I was only limited by the amount of money I had and we were paid weekly back in those days and in cash!

Today I look at the deceitful politicians and the way people treat each other and it really is quite different.  I'd go and see my grandparents and they were obviously from a generation that had lived through the war as adults, my parents had as children and there was I with my long hair and flared trousers, platform shoes and the next generation but we had manners and let people on and off the trains before us and would help someone with a pram or shopping up and down stairs or escalators, we'd use words like please and thank you and mean it, hold doors open and offer your seat to people.  Courteousness and civility, they seem to disappear with people's self entitlement.

I always smile, say please and thank you and when on the phone I will never use bad language or be nasty to a phone operator as they have a hard enough job as it is.  Always get their name and use it when talking to them and always than them for their help.  It costs very little to make other people feel better about themselves, to perhaps slightly brighten their day but also, they've helped you out too.  

The lies and deceit of people, the in your face hypocrisy - just look at the behaviour of the BBC for example and the number of people entitled to tell YOU what to do.  These are thick illiterate bastards as far as I am concerned and those are the people I am beginning to hate.  Thinking of my career (my first one) I had to go to college for three years to get my qualifications all the while working on site.  If I did something wrong I could kill someone so that's why it is important.  After many years I was promoted and then, and only then, could I tell (I actually ask normally) someone what to do.  I had the experiences, skills, practical background and qualifications to do so.

Today, look at the dross the reel out to tell you what to do.  Politicians who have never had a real job and have existed in the system from leaving University.  Councillor, lobbyist then a local MP and what do they bring to the benefit of their constituents?  That's right, sweet Fanny Adams.  They are a bunch of pathetic, entitled no nothing naive fools and that's insulting fools!  What gives them the right to be as utterly stupid as to think they can pontificate on any subject is beyond me.  I'd rather trust Wikipedia or the Guardian than one of these low life smug gits.

It doesn't stop their either does it?  Football pundits who know exactly what is going on is Israel or the Middle East and telling us which way to vote and what we should be thinking and actors, yes actors, those who's whole life is pretending to be other people demonstrating their financial (in) competence and explaining why socialism and communism are good things all the while sipping their Campari and Soda from their multi-million pound villa in Jean-Les-Pains.  All the while the gullible drink it all in, bloat on reality TV and Soap Operas and pick up all the bad habits of selfishness, greed, excess and gluttony and think it is how to behave.

Roll on the day when the Electricity system falls apart from mindless green stupidity and we no longer have to watch TV, look at our phones and tablets and emerge blinking into the sunlight and talk to each other, be nice to one another and go back to having real lives.  Maybe we will reawaken that greatness and pride we once had without being called racist which everything is these days or some other slur like denier words used when you cannot discuss things and want to stop the conversation.  

Filing And Shredding - Getting There

 It's quite a process but I am getting there.  Four large dustbin bags full of shredded paper and a fifth under way and space in the office where there was none before.  Small steps and achievements.  It was a little sad to see the old company stuff go but go it had to, it was 15 years old and you no longer need to keep those records and other records, over seven years, have also been shredded. I thought it would bring back memories but not so much.

What was funny was to find my 1976 diary where I did band practice in Hammersmith with Dave catching the 88 bus and getting home really late.  We had interesting times and he said that he thought I played guitar well.  Also in there was a note about Dora.  Now Dora was a young Turkish lady who worked for another company but was on block release at the same College I was at and we got chatting and used to hang around together at lunchtime etc.  All I recall about it was that I suggested meeting up but it appears that I got her phone number now this is highly unusual for me as I was the absolute worst at asking such things of young ladies.  It must have been some achievement as it made it into the diary but as all things when you are young, we lived a long way away and I got transferred to another college a lot nearer me and so it wasn't to be.  She was really nice too and a woman in a man's world of Electrical Engineering.   The diray also mentions the Moorgate Tube Disaster which a few of the lads from my year were on, mercifully they were not badly hurt

So my diaries have survived now I suppose I need to decide what to do with them.  They tell an interesting tale for me of what I was up to.  There is also a bit about my friend (who I have recently reconnected with) Penny who was at the Royal London training to be a Nurse.  She is now in New Zealand.  I have no idea if she knew how much I really felt about her but as I was often in and around her area, we used to hang out together, platonic friendships I guess, I don't know, may not be all that platonic :-) 

Another full on attack on the paper and filing today and hopefully Ill get somewhere near organised.

The other thing that flew through my mind was this bloke who's being an arsehole is that whilst there's been a lot of what he is going to do and legal action etc., the bottom line is that he really hasn't been involved in the company in well over a year and indeed he never was.   His actions, and his alone, are the cause of all his nonsense and if he did take it to some sort of legal action, there would be some eyebrows raised as I offered arbitration and it was flat out refused and in the same breath there is the classic denial that he ever was part of the business.  Surprised he wasn't dissuaded from using that as what is it all about if he wasn't?  Yes - there's sufficient amounts of contradiction in place that it will be looked on as vexatious and the use of ad hominem attacks will be looked at poorly.

So that in a way assists me in my thinking about whether to continue with the business or not as I am reviewing that now.  It is difficult as the App is now on its second version and looks great and so what do I do, take the easy way out and shut it all down or do I run with it in the short term and see where it goes?  The battle in my head continues but at least there is space for me to operate in the office now! 

Driving In The Dark & Wet

 The M25 is hairy at the best of times but it was coming off the Motorway that the "fun" started.  Quite what takes over people's minds to drive so fast and carelessly in the wet and not to consider standing water and aquaplaning I have no idea.  Van driver cam up the hard shoulder and undertook us going across two lanes on the roundabout and so cutting right in front of me and you could see the rear was sliding.  He held it together but fish tailed away in front of me and then to cap that I had the guy come over from my right to then cut in front of me - it's two lanes people so the van made his own lane and matey boy - God knows what he was thinking.

I am by nature a defensive driver, having driven 30 to 40,000 miles a year when I was working in the 70s, 80s and 90s and so you tend to work out what is happening and treat absolutely every other driver as a full blown idiot.  You just know that again, like last night in all the spray and rain people move lane with not indication, cut in front of you or come speeding up to the rear of your car.  The behaviour is mitigate in some way by the power of braking systems etc.  Talking of which auto and electric drivers - stop touching your brakes when driving at 70 mph! 

Anyway, it was one of those terrible rainy, spraying nights, hidden puddles and idiot drivers.  I was glad to get back home.  I do like my AWD car though as it certainly assists in driving conditions like yesterday.

Advent - Here We Go

 Again.  Yes here we go towards Christmas and it feels very different this year.  I am being very careful with my money as I do not know quite how much this new pump will have cost me yet and so where I'd normally buy a bit more than I probably should this year I have bought a bit less.  

In many ways I am still not quite right either in my head and subsequently, that sort of makes you feel physically fatigued too.  I do feel mentally and physically drained and it's all been too much this year.  Whilst Christmas is often time for a great reset (that doesn't last much beyond mid January to be fair) I actually do need to do something about it all.  I launched the new version of the App this morning but I haven't told anyone (other than the Developer) and I really haven't fully decided what to do about the business.  My heart has gone out of it with all the threats and brickbat throwing of the divorced "partner" in the business.  

I wouldn't normally kowtow to bullys but this has gone a little too far to be comfortable and it makes me ill just thinking about it.  The crazy thing is that I know, in a straight argument, it would be laughed out of court but who wants that to go that far anyway?  His arguments are preposterous and his attempt to remove me from my position was also interesting in the fact that he even thinks he is justified in doing it.  A narcissistic egotistical act.  As I am not dealing with a business person or rational actor it makes things edgy I suppose?  If the business had some income and some money behind it then we could engage a solicitor and make this all go away.  We don't so it hasn't.

Anyway, that decision is hovering between just giving it all up or running with it and seeing where it takes us.  

So a month of pretending that this is all jolly and fun coming up.  Will I get into the Christmas Spirit?  Who knows. Right now, not so much.  Perhaps in a week or two I might feel a bit better about myself, the business and my situation?  Maybe.    

Stuff - Not Working

 What a week.  So now my VHS to DVD converter has stopped working - I did think it was possible after I did someone's VHS tapes that disintegrated and when I opened up the unit I had a fair amount of cleaning to do but still it isn't working properly and so I have a choice to either throw it out or give it away or perhaps contact the chap who fixed my TV when the back-light went a year or two ago.

I seems that many bits of equipment just don't last like they used to.  Added to the problems with the Pump and Immersion heater earlier on, it's another thing to go wrong!  And of course, more money and money I wasn't expecting (with the pump) and so I am being a bit cautious about Christmas as I took money out for that but it has been eaten (or I think it will as I haven't got the bill yet) through unexpected expenses.

Whilst I've paid for some stuff already, the credit card could seriously melt down in the next week or two dependent on the overall costs coming in!

Oh well, it's only money as I am often heard to state.  The new version of the App is ready to rock and roll and will go live tomorrow and then I need to decide what I am going to do in terms of running or closing the business.  Even after all this time, I am not too sure what to do.  I am still in two minds as in many ways, walking away and closing it all down is the easiest option.  No pressure, no more sleepless nights, no idiot writing to me and annoying me etc.  However, the new version of the App does look much better when compared to its predecessor and who knows now it has the correct age limit on it, we could get some downloads.  Yes, difficult decisions to be made.  

Oh well, it's Sunday and I think I will just go and rest up for the remainder of the day.  I've spent too ling on the VCR and perhaps it is for the best that it goes - it is not as though I have any further use of it, other than as a DVD player! 

We The Willing Led By The Unknowing

 "We the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything, with nothing". Attributed to Konstantin Josef Jireček, it is likely a modern adaptation and does not appear in his documented works.  I've seen it attributed to lots of different people so let's just go with this one for now.

Following the Chancellor's budget where just about everyone was made or are about to be made poorer I reflect on whether it is worth continuing the business?  I guess that I wouldn't expect to see profits for a good few years and so, perhaps, it is academic but they've already shown scant regard for the people or for businesses and so it could and is likely to get worse.  It's Socialism and they always spend lots of other people's money.

It's a day or two after the Budget and the US has been on Thanksgiving and so who knows what they'll make of it?  The debt spiral isn't averted and the ever hungry public sector is perhaps the real Black Hole that they imagine is giving us problems.  "And do tell me Chancellor, is this "black hole" in the room with us now?"  

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised by all of this, the politics of envy has always been thus and those that voted for the Labour Party from historic reasons of "We've always voted Labour in this family/town etc" or from some sort of protest vote have found out what we knew all along.  High Taxes, lies, broken promises and failure to tackle the areas that need it and dodge the Frog Eating that is required of brave government and ministers - they don't exist anymore and they look after themselves and their fellow trough eaters rather than those they are supposed to serve.  

Things that have always failed in the past are repeated as if they will miraculously succeed this time.  When I worked in Code Red situations it was always the lack of leadership, loss of project or financial control that appeared to blame (along with other mitigation stuff not implemented or thought about more likely).  The one we see quite often is the spreadsheet project manager.  Example:

It takes 500 men to build a road in 6 months - so it could be done with 3,000 in a month.  Or we could get 9 women to have a baby in a month and so on.  There are specific reasons that this cannot happen - biological in the latter case but in the former, you'd have too many people all together at once you cannot tarmac the road without the foundations and earth works having happened and there's the supervision and everyone getting in each others way.  Not if you are the labour government.  They can magic money and throw it at a problem and because of the woeful non business class politicians and civil servants the money may just as well be set on fire for all the good it will do.

Another example and one I have tackled a number of times is paying overtime to catch up or get a job done.  Overtime was never priced into a job (or you wouldn't have won it) and so when you start paying one and a half or double the rate to get the same amount of work done you very quickly have a problem that you burn through your money and the job still isn't getting done faster or better as there's a sort of Laffer Curve with productivity and hours worked too - especially when people are working more than 40 hours a week and are beginning to get fatigued.  The simplest mathematical calculations would demonstrate this but the trap is to fail to see that you are paying extra money for the same amount of work and the more you do that the quicker you run out of money.

Let's see what the markets make of it.  From a business perspective, it disincentives me wanting to build it as they have increased taxes on success - the better I do the more money they take from me in stealth taxes.  Is it worth it?  No matter how elegant and leading edge my product is, the risks I have taken and the real struggle to get it to market you sometimes wonder "Why do I bother at all?" 

Best Of Intentions - Ooh Look, A Squirrel!

That sort of day.  I was going to be doing some filing but my brother called me up to say that our Mother's DNA test results were in and as mine were in a few days ago, I have been distracted seeing the results and connections.  What is nice, is that it has closed down a bit of hearsay about one relative, confirmed another connection and just 18,000 + other connections.  I can see some of the names jumping off the page at me and of course it has been a total distraction from what I was meant to be doing.

I guess the filing will have to wait once again as I get dragged deeper and deeper into the family tree and connections.  At least I will have something to say for my yearly newsletter!

It it's possible I have also managed to spend way too much money on things today getting an early start for Christmas and taking advantage of discounts on various sites with Black Friday offers.  Using "The more you spend the more you save" as a by word I have at least managed to get my Christmas beer supply in.  I don't have anywhere to store it at the moment so I need to get on and make some more room over and above that I have already made.

Well, I'd better get back before something else distracts me!

Ooh Look, A Squirrel!

Are We Nearly There Yet?

No not yet. I'm still getting little things done and have made some room this week clearing away loose paperwork and the like getting rid of a large box of books and CDs so far and I have dispatched my family history journals off to someone who will appreciate them.  I'm pleased about that.

The App has been updated and submitted for approval and hopefully this will settle down a few minor bugs and set the age range correctly which was a problem as it looked as if it was for 17+ only  not 4+ that we designed it for.  One misunderstood check box will do that to you! 

And then there is whether I wish to continue to run the business or not.  Given Rachel Reeves shite budget it doesn't look as if it would be worth it really as they'd just thieve more of the profits and like everyone else take no part in the risks of the business only trousering the money from its success!  

So serious thought needs to be applied to this I think still.  I'm not nearly there yet either.  The new version looks great and the main problem is getting people to find it and download it.  So I also need to look at effort versus achievement and so on.  Will putting a lot of effort in actually deliver anything.  All the time there's the bloke throwing bricks and so I need to do the right thing for myself and for the business.  It's removing the emotion from the decision that is difficult.  

Whether I invest a little bit more effort into the business is the decision that I need to crack.  Having put in 9 years so far another few months probably isn't going to matter much but can I be bothered and will I still feel as depressed as I do now?  The causes of that aren't all to do with the business either.  It's going to be difficult to work this one out because it isn't a simple spreadsheet-able solution!  It would be good if it was.

The Art Of Percolation

 I used to love our Percolator.  My parent's had one which happily glugged away ready for our strong after dinner coffee and I bought one when I moved out from a jumble sale that lasted a good 20 years until I got a Mocca Pot and a Filter coffee machine.

But of course I am not really talking coffee here but rather the slow percolation of thoughts and ideas as whilst I do have Eureka! moments I think they are actually the result of much thinking and brewing of ideas getting stronger as they percolate through my grey cells.

It's a bit like where I am now in my deliberations about whether to continue the business or not.  Ideas are forming and slowly coming together.  The finished article isn't honed yet, it or they more likely, haven't had time to fully form and become whole.  I have spent a good month thinking and planning and getting the stuff out of my head and on to paper but that isn't good enough this time because to continue requires an element of commitment that I am not sure I want to put in only for this evil old man to continue lobbing bricks at me from the 'safety' of his solicitors but somehow, I cannot see these are their letters, rather his printed on their paper as some of it doesn't read or appear right to me and to spell his name incorrectly a number of times and to badly format the points seems as if it is just a top and tailing exercise to me.  So do I want the arse ache?  Can I be bothered?

Of course the other side of me says "Give it a go" as you won't know unless you do.  There are benefits and disadvantages to it all and one of these is whether I have the courage of my convictions which have been somewhat eroded by his constant attacks on me.  

Are you doing it for the right reasons? Is it now me that wants some sort of revenge by not taking it any further?  So that's why my mind is in turmoil and there's the commitment and reward (if any) as well.  Back to the percolator and back to letting the ideas brew a bit further I guess.   We will get there in the end I have no doubt.  

Urgh This House! Honestly How Many Bodges

 The house has so many bodged bits of work and the previous owner was a Joiner but I doubt that.  The wood working in here is not finished off well, there are gaps and rough edges, nails protrude which I have sorted out and so on.  The old kitchen fell apart and I've had the boiler and high pressure tank replaced.  The pump decided not to work the other day and so as it was maintenance time anyway, I asked for it to be replaced which has duly been done but then the engineer wanted to show me something.  There was no power to the socket where the timer was and I hadn't checked that myself, I had done all the usual checks with fuses, checked the time switch worked elsewhere and it did so surmised that the pump was gone.  Oh dear, no it wasn't but too late the pump is now replaced.  The bad news was that the cable behind the socket was all burnt up and then we found it was attached to the Immersion Heater.  That had been used some years ago when the old boiler broke down and it wasn't wired correctly and had melted the cables and the MCB had gone which I hadn't noticed.  So we have had to alter the wiring and disconnect the Immersion.

So once again, there's a problem that hadn't been picked up and once again it's a bodge and a bloody dangerous one at that.  The cable was the wrong size and was run off of the socket which again is a big no no!  FFS if it wasn't protected by the MCB we could have had a burn and that wouldn't have been good now!  At least we know and at least we have a new pump anyway.  The water is back up to pressure which is great too.

A nice chap doing the work and everything is now serviced and maintained for another year!  

Just anther bodge cost to be added to the rest of the bodges!

Do The Right Thing Or Do The Easiest?

 We had a motto at one of the businesses I worked at which was "Do the right thing!" of course it was misinterpreted and misused but the idea was sound and in reality it did mean exactly that, you did the right thing for the customer and not for yourself - it probably wasn't explained that way hence the confusion and misuse.

Faced with my current thought problem I am wondering whether the right thing is in fact the easiest thing?  Just to walk away and shut it all down is very appealing as that's it, you do exactly that and walk away.  Sure someone might complain but so what.  It's the Budget tomorrow and so we all might do that LOL. Alternatively I can push ahead say for 3 months and reevaluate things and then continue or walkaway.  Such is the nature of this business that it is either going to fly or die and so it will become apparent quite soon I would imagine.

I like the idea of walking away altogether and shutting it down as that concludes the journey in its entirety. I can throw all the stuff into storage (7 years) and then that's it.  Of course then you wonder whether it might have flown or not so the balance I am having at the moment is whether to give it a three month push and see where we are or just shut it all down and have done with it.  Ego says the former, heart says the latter and so I need to spend a bit more time evaluating it and deciding what to do.

There's an element of time versus risk versus reward and that to me is the equation that needs to be solved somehow. After tomorrow there may be an element of is it financially worth it too.  This government has no understanding of business, motivation and reward and the harder you work it appears the more they punish you and so the decision may be made for me if they punish entrepreneurs further than they already have.  It may not be worth working hard if all they do is punish you more for doing so.  They don't see it that way because they are driven by ideology and cannot see the damage they inflict on others in pursuit of their Utopian ideals. 

Are You Doing Something For The Right Reason?

 I pitch this now as I am in my inner head state looking at what to do next and it occurred to me that when I fully evaluate what I am going to do next I really need to concentrate on whether (or not) I am making the decision for the right reason.

By right I mean that I, for example, am harbouring not great thoughts about the bloke who has been attacking me since he made the decision to unilaterally withdraw from the business saying he wanted nothing more to do with it financially or manually.  So am I doing it (not decided yet) to get back at him? Show him (me) I was right all along.  If I shut it all down who am I doing that for and so on?

I am going to now work on this aspect.  I've done the work life balance which was very bad indeed and the Wheel or Life exercise scored bad in every element.  That's not good and points to other things that need to be reviewed and tackled - I know some of those but it isn't a good start.

Then there are financial and time constraints and the impact on my personal life (albeit the above exercise points to me not having one LOL).  

Intuitively I think I know what I really ought to do but the nag is that it probably isn't what you should do and will there be regrets etc.  Before this all kicked off and I was left holding the baby so to speak, I had a clear idea of what needed to be done and how to do it.

Simply, if I close the business down it all goes away no matter what he says or does the business will no longer exist.  If I continue he is likely to be a bad actor.  In many ways this is just a side worry to the rest of it.

I do need to make sure the decision I eventually come to isn't based on some ego remnant - it needs to be clearly based on facts and data and not how I was "feeling" when I made it :-) Easier said than done as after all he has done to me in the past year, even though it worked out in the end in my favour eventually, I find it hard to forgive or forget that he railed against me the way he did because of (potentially) hurty words and hurty feelings! FFS.

The New Super Power. Gormless

 Ahead of this week's Budget you have to wonder about the suitability of the current government.  A complaint about speculation on its contents slamming the MSM and yet they have been leaking like a sieve and flying kites all over the place.  It's as if they don't know what they are doing. Wait, correction, they definitely do not know what they are doing.

They really are acting out the sort of playground insults from pre-pubescent children and throwing around insults and coming up with schemes that are stupid, wrong for the current situation and based on ideology and certainly not sound economic principles.

On Wednesday we will know what they are going to do, or attempt to do.  Right now, it all looks self destructive and doomed to failure.  There just doesn't appear to be any grown ups in the room at all.  So out of touch are they that they cannot see how despised they are and how this version of socialism should stay as a text book postulation for surely everyone can see that if you increase and continue to increase spending but do not have sufficient income to cover that let alone the huge debt burden that it isn't going to work out well? 

Margaret Thatcher made a remark in a 1976 television interview for Thames TV's This Week, where she stated: "...and Socialist governments traditionally do make a financial mess. They [socialists] always run out of other people's money". 

Well here we go and so far all I can see is a series of "get rich" schemes being floated out there but, of course, if there isn't the money out there in Tax Payer world then it's not going to happen.  Spreadsheets are notoriously bad at this, they show a linear increase in income from taxation and ignore human behaviour.  When you see the money being taken from you and given to someone else and generally wasted it changes your behaviour.  I am sure that those who are self employed will find ways to avoid some of the draconian impositions on them now being imposed.  

They don't know what it is like to run your own business and now heap extra paperwork on them - quarterly tax returns as an example.  When IR35 came in under the last socialist government (and the Tories didn't take it away even though they said they would) I just changed the way that the business worked.  Resulting in taking on less work at increased costs and creating more leisure time and paying less taxes at the same time.  Dropping below the tax thresholds too and so I did the minimum I needed to do and whilst I didn't get a full year's work, I did just enough to keep me happy and pay the tax man what was due on that work.  Why work harder and longer to fill in more forms and pay out a greater % to the government who risked nothing? 

If you've run businesses you know that you must incentivise your people with reasonable and achievable goals that add to their pockets and their self worth.  If you don't you drive different behaviours that detract from the overall goal and do the opposite.  Penalising people for their success is not how you do it.  Why should I work harder to give that to someone else who hasn't worked at all for it?  Give it to faceless bureaucrats who waste it and I know plenty about that having watched these people at work.  

Anyway, the car crash will be arriving on Wednesday and we will see what level of stupid we will get.  The damage done last year is coming home now as it works its way through the system.  You could say the damage is done already but it feels like this is a doubling down and I'm not sure that the majority of people are going to be quiet about it.   

Breakfast With A Friend Resetting Your Thoughts

 So a breakfast yesterday with my friend, fellow cancer survivor and all around good guy was interesting.  I wasn't as bad as I was last time I saw him and it was fortuitous as I needed him to sign my LPA so that was good.

We share many common things, music although not the same sort of music exactly, we've worked together and seem to have worked with some of the worst "managers" in the world.  Business wise we developed a business many years ago that was a real journey.

I always come away reset, refreshed and with new thoughts and ideas.  That's great in many ways I think.  I am setting about cleaning my office out and just throwing stuff away.  I never really use these books and CDs and notebooks and so they can just go.  I am trying to make sure as much gets recycled as possible and so I am just checking everything and if people want them, they can have them (books and CDs that is).  They aren't worth anything these days and as more people stream music the less CDs are used.  There is happily a charity that will come and collect such items and so I am going to get in touch with them and arrange a collection.

I then realised that I no longer do two things I used to do (three if you count that I rarely watch TV these days too).  I do not read as much as I used to and I do not listen to my music as much as I used to either.  As for TV I watch on Monday nights as there are two programmes I enjoy 'Only Connect' and 'University Challenge' and that's about it.  If there is Rugby or Formula 1 then I will watch those on TV or if not on YouTube.  It just doesn't interest me but then that's been the whole year or two really.  All these things I used to do, I no longer do. 

I feel there's a shift here but I cannot work out quite what that might be.  I've been up and down a lot and the business isn't really helping and in fact I am still undecided on whether to actually make a go of it or not.  I cannot make my mind up whether it would be best to just shit it down, give it a go under strict exit criteria or something else (I have no idea what that might be).

So something has shifted that has distanced me from the things I used to enjoy towards a more inwardly reflective introverted style of living and that probably needs some analysing as to why I have steered away from my usual to this quite solitary hermit like state?  

Getting Through The Paperwork

 I write a lot on here but in reality I write far more on my writing pads than I do on here.  I have just found and shredded my writing pads from 15 years back - when things were changing a lot in my life and I was trying to work out what to do next.  I haven't read them only glanced at them and just shredded them as they are meaningless now.  There's hours of thoughts and ideas written onto paper which is how I discuss ideas with myself!

I write a lot and work through ideas and problems using pen and paper, mainly text although I see a few sketches I did which certainly needed to be shredded!   It's all about making sense of the stuff that floats around in my head.  As an INTJ it goes with how my mind works and how I analyse things.  It's why I was ideal for highly technical tasks when I was younger as I could work my way through huge documents and diagrams and work out how things worked and where there were problems.  There was another guy who was also similar to me and he was way faster than I was at seeing problems in wiring diagrams.  I'd probably see them but would validate before noting, he could just use a red pen and circle things that "didn't look right" 

The stuff that I have now shredded and made room in my office include three files of family history notes now scanned and stored safely, three work notebooks and general odds and sods paperwork lying around.  I am hopeful that I can work out what to do with my lovely business books.  I doubt I will ever use them so perhaps sell what I can and those that aren't of any use I can take to a place where they recycle books.  You can find most things online these days and with AI to help you can focus in on specifics if you so desire.

Difficult Decisions - Why Are They So.....

 Well, difficult!  I am taking a break from the business after all the recent nastiness and I am tackling things I should have done years ago!  Yesterday was to scan and then to shred all of the single record records I have kept in a file and never looked at past the original work I did on each of them.  That's one file done and hundreds of records now safely saved in the family history archives.  

Today my new shredder arrives and I can really get to tidying up years and years worth of information that I no longer look up, read or need.  If it might be important it can get scanned and then shredded.

Other documents and books can be given away to worthy causes.  I have boxes of journals that can go and I need to just release my hold on these now worthless things.

The business decision is not going to be easy.  Do I run with the business after all this time or do I just shut it down?  I am not sure because one requires me to undertake a load more work and one means I can just walk away!  I am struggling with this still because it's the end of one journey and the start of another or it really is a terminal event but I get my life and time back.  That too is attractive.

I will carry on reviewing this nut not for too much longer as I need to make a decision and it is hard because both options have merit and there is a third part way option I guess but it still involves working.  I'm meant to be retired and yet here I am working out about running this business with this interference from someone who "Does not want to be involved in the business ever again!"  yet throws bricks in from the side.  Hopefully not many more but why bother with it all?

And Let That Be An End Of It

 Another solicitor's letter but this time, as always pretty full of what I should and shouldn't do, it sort of draws a line under things and leaves stuff hanging in the air a bit like a bully saying "And let that be a lesson to you!" after nothing has actually happened.  It throws accusatory stuff but doesn't actually do anything about them because it's wrong but hey ho.

As usual it shakes you up even though you were expecting it but after 5 minutes this time I just treated it for what it is and it can be filled between toilet paper in the file.  It ends with a short of "I'm keeping an eye on you" but so what?

It now makes me need to work out what I am going to do with the business.  Run it forward or shut it down.  I am still deciding and this has just made me wonder a little more about whether it is worth it?  I think that I should "give it a go" as I can easily shut it down if it doesn't get anywhere and I haven't gone out of my way to sell it so far.  I'm a bit surprised that no one (apart from a handful) have downloaded it but that's now my "problem to solve" I guess?

Two parts to the argument run it or close it.  If I close it then I can walk away and be retired.  It would make sense too, no more hassle and whilst this bloke might moan, there will be no one to moan at.  If I run it then he may well keep sticking his oar in but there is a way to deal with that now and if successful then that too goes away.  Decisions, decisions.  I don't have to rush to do this either.

In other news, the first file has been scanned and the papers shredded which is great.  Another file can be started later.  That probably just needs shredding though.  Gradually we are going to get there.  Gradually but it isn't going to happen quickly but that's one thing down so progress.  

Milestones or Millstones?

 Having procrastinated for too long on getting things done I now find that I am at the tipping point in terms of where I am given the pretty horrible 6 months to a year I've had.  Getting the heating sorted in the house is one thing I can get off the list next week when everything gets serviced, the circulating pump gets replaced (or repaired) and we can draw a line under that for another year - it was a year ago that I ended up paying for the new tank which was the price of a small second hand car!

Now I have finished my meetings for the year - the journey wasn't too bad as they have temporary traffic lights there now not a full closure and I was diverted that way as my short cut was also closed, I can not be distracted by such things and I intend to get on with a number of little tasks intended to give me small step victories along the way.

So today I will tidy up my desk, papers and files in short achievable bursts.  There is so much paperwork that I have had to keep (7 year rule) that I can now dispose of and I probably need to get a more industrial shredder as I am not certain my budget one will last the course.  So much stuff to get rid of - boxes of stuff.  BUT only a bit at a time in short manageable chucks.

If I can just get a few bits done I will start to make progress and that's important rather than recoiling at the scale of the problems - Elephant Eating as we used to call it.  You cannot eat an Elephant in one sitting but you can eat a whole Elephant one bit at a time!