That's The Ticket

 A bit at a time and small steps works.  I have just done a few hours work on the business and in just over a week I go for a trial to see if I can drum up any interest at all as sales are sluggish to say the least but the competition is quite fierce but my model is different.  That needs my full attention and so it is a week and a bit away as there are cars to be fixed, dentist and hygienist to see as well as some other pressing jobs.

It is kind of make or break in a way to see if I can get the sales moving and it requires a little investment (speculate to accumulate) and so a short term experiment is required.  It will determine whether or not to pursue the business.  At least it will give me some ideas of where it is headed and whether to close it or not.

It's perishing cold outside and bringing in the bins was a chilly affair.  My hands still aren't warm and I've been in for half an hour!

Anyway, quite pleased that I have at least got some constructive work done and will be able to do some more this afternoon. 

I Cannot Get Going Again Today

 It's one of those things I suppose.  I want to get tucked into some work and getting things done and I just cannot get motivated at all.  I don't get it.  I have a list of stuff to do and yet three hours in I have only achieved one thing and that's it.  I go to start, get distracted, nothing gets done. Crazy. Actually two things. 

Mind you it is cold today and my fingers are freezing, overnight snow but mostly melted now and just not a lot to get me motivated.  Having said that I have actually done a few things on my listing but mainly the easiest things there is other stuff to tackle.  

Elephant eating is required and I will attempt to do that by breaking stuff into bite sized chunks.  Here goes, once more into the breach...

It's Not Easy Trying To Get Yourself Up

I think once you#ve dug yourself into the rut you are in it is quite difficult to get back out of it.  You know you need to do it but somehow, just letting it all wash over you for another hour or day is OK even if you feel bad about letting that happen.

Of course, these things cannot happen overnight and take time but I observe myself just wasting my time and deciding to play a game of Solitaire rather than getting on with what i need to do to break free.

It's a slow process and I will get there it will just take time and effort and determination to achieve it.  At least the first hurdle is out of the way - there's no more beer in the house and it was all too easy to pour a drink, watch YouTube and wallow in my depression.  I need to set to and start to tick these tasks off of my to-do list.  I managed to do some quite complex tasks and finish them before Christmas so it is achievable, I just need to settle down, get distracted less and do it.

Roll On 2026

New Year's Day. It's just another day but you can treat it as a milestone and make various changes.  I am making a few changes and the business is the first one to attempt and then my health as I cannot quite believe how much weight I have put on in the last month so I will get back on track with that.  I am not drinking either and ceremonially drank my last beer just before midnight.

It's make or break on the business and in July it is 20 years since the Bladder Cancer presented itself.  If nothing else I need to make myself fit again and to stop injuring myself with alcohol and the wrong food.  

Moving forward is the way to go without doubt but I still have the odd flash back and regrets about the past but there's nothing that can be done about those and so I will be working more on that too.  I have too many ups and downs and it needn't be so.  I think too much and get lost in endless analytical loops.

Roll The Dice

 If it were up to me I would have let the bloke take over the business and watch as it crashed and burnt to the floor but no I had to look after everyone as I should have done.  That leaves me in a bit of a spot though as I now have had no real sales in 3 months and I gave myself 6 months to see if it was viable.  2 of the first 3 months were taken up with all that nonsense and now we are at a fork in the road.  No sales at all and a last roll of the dice beckons.  An experiment focused purely on sales over a limited period and then we will see if a direct pay per click through brings in the right audience or not.  

A short swift trial and then I can decide what to do.  No one seems to be interested but I haven't been doing targeted sales.  In for a penny in for a pound as they say.

Another Circuit Around The Sun

 What a horrible year it has been. You get your reward for being a good person by being screwed to the wall and here I am feeling like a boxer having gone 9 rounds and using the ropes to fend off the blows.  All the while my resolve gets weaker and weaker and yet I realise I must not buckle to this onslaught.

Business and just living are taking a mighty big slice out of my life.  Things are not enjoyable, not how they "should be" in my imagined perfect world. I've always had this problem that nothing turns out the way that I imagine it will.  Holidays, events are just a few that leave me disappointed and try as I may to not have preconceptions I still do.   That's a problem that I probably need to tackle.  Then there's this whole retirement business too.  It's very different and not what I expected it to be either.  The house, the build up of cr@p and detritus needs tackling but if only one of you wants to achieve that, it too adds to my general level of low esteem.

Of course I've had this a lot and there is an answer but it's disruptive and expensive and I very much doubt that it can be achieved at the moment either.

So 2025 can do one I'm thinking and 2026 can perhaps begin to make some changes.  It needs to as I am in a darkish place and don't want to stay here much longer.  

Another Disturbed Night

After a nice  lunch with my girls I came back to a house which is slightly divided shall we say.  I find the current situation one that I have been in before but this is quite different I have to say.  I woke with a start again around 3:30 and then my mind kicked in again and I was running through things that I shouldn't do and it was a maelstrom of thoughts and ideas but with no answers or dead ends on every turn.

When there appears no way out it makes your mind race even more to find some sort of resolution and that wakes you more and corners your options and there you are in some spiral of despair for no reason.  After about an hour (it could be less) I managed to go back to sleep.  It's these restless nights that are becoming a habit and I need to work on them. I am still tired from my previous fitful night and so I must work on getting past this current feature of my sleep pattern.

There's that nagging feeling once again that it will all end badly coming down the track.  I hope not but you never know, it feels vaguely familiar! 

The Struggle Continues

 Last night was pretty disturbed by any accounts.  We both said it was hot in the house - which is surprising as the thermostat had been turned down the day before.  

Got into bed and I felt so hot that I had to get up and come downstairs for an hour or so to see if I could sleep down there.  A little fitful sleep and so I decided to go back up and then sleep came and I got about 3 or 4 hours I suppose.

It didn't help that I was mulling over the situation I am in.  The business doesn't look like it is going anywhere fast and I don't have the capital to do any targeted advertising.  So I was thinking do I run for the three months I have given myself or just cut my losses and close it down? Home life is not particularly smooth either and I have bad thoughts again which need to be banished back to whence they came - this is trapped, claustrophobic and wanting to flee and just stop the world stuff.  It is not great I have to say and there's just an aimlessness pervading my thoughts and my actions.

I'm having the death thoughts as well and so struggle with an internal fight and no, it's not the type that required calling The Samaritans - it isn't 'that sort' of suicidal thoughts although they are there it is my mind processing stuff and like I said this time last year, I miss my family a lot.  I suppose I shouldn't feel like that it was, however, me that left the family unit after all those years and I have to live with those consequences but it's happening again and I am back to where I started when I left because of the situation I was in.

Apart from a video call I haven't seen my grandchildren at Christmas.  I will see my daughters tomorrow but not the grand kids.  I said last year I would make more effort and perhaps that is the change I need to make?  I am still quite wounded by the crap that's been thrown at me over the business, hence I would prefer to just shut it and walk away.  Of course I need to give it a bit more time and see is sales can materialise and if they do then what am I going to do?  I'd have to run the business then and that's another chore I may currently not want.

I hope that I can shake this malaise off as I was doing OK up to a point in controlling it all but obviously not.  

I know what is going on and worse than that I know what the answer is but I am not brave enough to tackle that right now.  I give my self until March to resolve the business (or in the next week LOL) and then I need to seriously consider my situation.  

That's A Wrap - Christmas Day Done

 I've been cooking Christmas lunch for as long as I can remember after leaving my parents.  Sometimes just assisting though but for 30 years or more, doing it all.  Yesterday was interesting as I ordered a smaller Turkey and Gammon and less veg and so it was easier to pull together.

We still have a few days worth of food though to work our way through.  It was actually an enjoyable day and I got some rest and an obligatory 5 minute snooze when I did sit down! 

I think it is going to be an interesting year ahead.  I can't see the business taking off and interest has been low.  I will need to work out some strategy to work on it for the first three months and if not successful then just close it all down.

If that happens I will need to work on finding something else to occupy my time and my interests - maybe, finally, I get to retire and have done with it. 

Strange Times

 It is indeed a strange time, this Christmas is quite different so far.  I've cut back spending as I am expecting  a few hefty bills to land including the heating circulation pump.  My car's tax has just landed and I need the brakes repaired and two dentist visits to add to that and it soon mounts up.  Paying the ULEZ extortion racket fees and paying for the food and presents just needed to be scaled back.  However, it is more the lack of anything festive being presented in the house.  The outside lights (installed permanently) are working and I have set up a projector with festive clips and Christmas music plays but there's not a decoration up in the house at all and it's the 21st December.

I don't know if we are waiting for our grandson so he can help or quite what? Anyhow, we will no doubt find out later today or tomorrow when he comes over to see us.

I ended up yesterday going out to sort out a dishwasher that had stalled and taken out the circuit breaker and luckily it was just a matter of checking it over. On the way back I picked up a Sympathy card and have written that for my friend.  What a shocking and sad thing that was.  I had no idea that she has passed away and so sent a Christmas card to them only last week. I was able to drop an email an apologise yesterday.  

I think everyone is out today so that gives me a chance to take stock and to get some bits ready for the coming week, wrapping presents, sorting out food and drink and so on.  It just doesn't feel like a normal Christmas at all.

It's Almost That Time Of Year Again

 It's rushing up fast and it will soon be Christmas Day and we can all sit back and wonder what on Earth all that was about?  I realised I'd slightly overdone it this year again although no where near as much as previous years.  Far too much food I can see and not the right sort for me in particular lots of Carbs hidden in plain sight!

A few days of working on the important jobs of advertising the App and trying like mad to find time to wrap presents but have the added "benefit" of our grandson for two days as well which I should have factored in but haven't  So that's two days gone south!  Oh well, I guess it isn't important, it will all happen but not in the way I expected it to.

So then we have the sad news.  I have only just found out that a friend of mine's wife has passed away.  That was a huge shock and I would think it was to him too.  I'd just sent their Christmas card too so I feel bad he will have received a card that will remind him of this sad turn of events. The funeral is on Monday and I cannot attend it.  I will have to get a sympathy card out to him as soon as I can.  I have no idea how I am going to word it.  I don't think any of us thought this could happen.  So sad, a lovely lady too.  Life is sometimes quite unfair I find.

There's my Car Tax bill arrived too, so more money and these last minute things that are needed soon add up as well.

Oh well, I'd better get on and sort things out - I now need to go and mend my partner's son's dishwasher that has blown a fuse!  Ho hum.

AI - Amusing Outcomes

 I like and use AI quite a bit although not every day and not to its full extent but I use it for rephrasing my ideas and cleaning up things like adverts which is where the amusement has come in.

On Facebook someone is adverting a Christmas projector light so here is the copy on the ad "Here's a possible ad for the Christmas lights: 'Brand new Christmas lights for sale, £10. Available for pick up in Tunbridge Wells. Please message for more details!'"

So it amused me that they have copied and pasted the whole answer in. You have to use your judgement and actually read what the answer is before using it.

Anyway that amused me this morning. When not much amuses me these days!

Christmas Lunch & Gatekeepers

 We normally meet in the evening but for various reasons ended up having lunch and with a discount voucher in hand we all met up and reminisced for 4 hours over a slow pub lunch of fish and chips and zero alcohol beers.  We have known each other for 58 years or thereabouts.  We were down on numbers as one has Sciatica which sounds painful and the other lives up north and so we only see him when he is down this way!

So that is that for 2025 and another meet up in January awaits.  I'll no doubt be charged £12.50 for daring to enter (by just under a mile) the ULEZ zone!  

As for Gatekeepers this refers to Admins of groups on Facebook particularly but I've known it for other sites.  They can be fine or they can be cantankerous and also they aren't really wide awake either.  One asked me about the App and they couldn't get that it was global but why would I want to advertise in their area?  Where are you based? asked another.  They  too could not equate that as the App was available everywhere that it didn't matter where I was bade and they couldn't understand it as theirs was a local group?  They then have some petty rules which are surely made to trip you up?

This is like Instagram that repeatedly tells me it wants content and then because I posted twice a day stopped my account!  I had to go through hoops to unlock it not once, not twice but three times.  It said my account was acting like a bot.  I politely explained that it was they who were encouraging me and near on bombarding me with emails to post content so I spent some time making posts with tins of SPAM on them and posting those for a while.

Into battle again with those Admins today - Christmas Spirit? Bah Humbug! 

Huh? Where Did All The Sheep Come From?

 Well that's strange - having seen a lorry load of Sheep disappear last week and the field empty I'd thought (wrongly as it turns out) that they'd all gone to their winter quarters leaving us with a blank Sheep free landscape to look out on.  So it was a surprise to see the fields at the back full with them this morning.

I hadn't seen them on my return from the funeral yesterday so the Shepherd must have moved them late in the afternoon!  Nice to have them back.

I did something I don't normally do which was to post on an old friend's Facebook Profile.  She died quite suddenly about 12 years ago I suppose and she was a wonderful person and I suppose coming back from the funeral yesterday I decided, on what would have been her birthday to say something and I really don't normally do that.

"Happy Heavenly Birthday to dearest Wendy. I know this profile photo is still here for a reason—it reminds us all of the most beautiful soul many of us have ever known.

You faced immense challenges with such incredible grace. Your struggle never once dimmed your light or stopped you from being the most kind, thoughtful, and considerate person. You possessed a quiet, radiant inner peace that was a gift to everyone around you.

I find comfort in the memory of your peaceful spirit. The world was a brighter place because you were in it."

I had never thought to post this sort of thing but I found myself thinking about how she radiated inner beauty and calmness. She had a wasting disease as did her sister who passed around the same time (I think) which made it difficult to walk and sometimes mush to my concern to swallow properly but she would carry on regardless. She was a highly intelligent lady and full of grace and humour, solidly grounded and now, as I look back I can see that she was fully aware of what was coming down the track, had made peace with herself about it and got on with the life she had left. We used to enjoy Christmas and Boxing day with her and I think she and I got on so well as I had my Cancer problems and she her problems too but we didn't dwell on those we just had family fun and that's how I remember her as she joined in everything with the same enthusiasm and I would get chided for worrying too much about her!

It is very rare you meet anyone like that who glows with presence and are comfortable in their own skin, sometimes the very old have it and whilst I strive to be that way, this special lady touched all around her. I am blessed to have known her and just hope that I too may find that peace in the future rather than to get a few seconds of it every now and then!

The Modern Way - Another "Friend" Gone

 Someone I loosely call a friend - you know, connected on Facebook and LinkedIn and so on and I worked quite closely with them around 20 years ago.  Today and not for the first time published a post on Facebook that was offensive and shoutey if there is such a word.  So un-friend and un-follow were required.  You see, it's like the bloke who rather than discuss climate change his first words were yelled into my face "You're a Climate Denier!!" and also decided to yell at me for my Brexit views.

This chap decided to call me (although he doesn't know this) a "racist" for being a member of a certain political party.  So he tarnished everyone of us with a blanket quite outrageous statement and you can't go around doing that and have no consequence for it.  I know, free speech and all that, but to blanket bomb people with this now, often overused and I suppose thereby meaningless statement surely shows the way that we have dumbed down society where yelled and thrown about libels are bandied around as facts or truths.

Anyway, I will never have to see or hear from him again which is good, he's turned into a right disgusting mouthpiece for vitriol and rudeness these past few years and if he thinks and acts like this his mind is already poisoned and yo don't need that in your life.  I've already been giving him 30 days rest at a time but this is enough.

Ah but what about free speech when you block someone I hear some ask?  Well I'm not stopping him from saying and posting what he wants, its up to him.  I am choosing not to read it which is totally up to me, his rights are not affected and my rights are not to hear stuff I don't want to which is fully exercising my rights too of course.

Thank Goodness That's Fixed!

 I'd turned off the mains water and the boiler and controls and our friendly Heating Engineer arrived quite late, it was dark and didn't need to drain down the system such is the configuration and the location of well sited stop cocks etc. It was the most awkward bit of plumbing you can imagine and his colleague also arrived to bring some tool they needed.

Bless him, the job was completed and they both left with the new gleaming copper work in place of the horrible stuff that was here before.  Hurrah.  The usual turning on the heating system and hot water and timers and programmers and we were away.  The taps and shower joyfully spitting away until the air had escaped the pipe work.  Invoice arrived this morning and duly paid straight away - for the sort of service they deliver it is only right that they should get their bill paid immediately.

There's that inevitable dampness around and the airing cupboard feels more like a sauna at the moment as the leaked water drys out from under the floor boards!  Lucky we found the leak I say.

So at least that is one thing off my mind although not entirely as it makes me concerned about the remainder of the pipework in the house and after the electric problem a few weeks back, that too.  

Anyway, we are fixed, we have hot water and heating and that's the thing really.  Good trades people are hard to find.