I had coffee with young Flocky earlier today (it still is today) and that was really good for lifting my spirits. I've been down of late and heaven knows it is good to meet up with others who have had or have experienced something similar. You don't actually need to say a lot to those kindred spirits because you know that they know and they know that you know, if you know what I mean?
My business partner is similarly good for me as he has experienced Cancer first hand and we were both diagnosed and treated within days of each other. That is a common and amazingly powerful bond that almost goes unspoken but this blog is full of his and my experiences with the Black Dog. The Black Dog, for the uninitiated, is the dark gloom of depression and the black dog lurks on the outer fringes of your sight and conciousness. It is always there but sometimes it is a long way away and other days it terrorises you.
Tonight I went to the Jazz night and got mini panic attack. I stripped off down to my tee shirt from my huge warm jacket, scarf, gloves, hat and so on and was still boiling hot. Thankfully I psoke to some people who were also hot and they opened a window to get some fresh air in but I was massively uncomfortable. So much so I nearly rang Flocky to warn him that I was feeling queasy about Saturday's meeting of the Lodge if we had to dine in the smaller dining room when we actually had great numbers. I was feeling panicky just thinking about it and even writing about it too.
I am not sure why this is so but I can see that one of my big problems to overcome is this issue with claustrophobia. I have a friend who will come and hypnotise me to sort this out. He has managed to stop me smoking and to give me enough confidence to go to Hospital on my own and even have blood tests and other stuff that I never ever thought I'd be able to. Perhaps we can work on this. I do suffer if it is too hot though and I also have problems going to bed sometimes.
I feel that at the moment I am going through another period of change and so many things are happening to me (and just to me in my little world) that it destabilises my day-to-day existence. I cannot understand why I am doubting myself or all the things I stand for. I cannot get to the bottom of why I "need" the approval of people and worry what people think about me. I think this is just what a few weeks off and an introverted view has done. I doubt myself and my professionalism, I doubt how "good" I think or believe I am. I tear down my self confidence and spite myself for no other reasons than to inflict mental self harm. None of this is goodness although some of it stops me being a conceited bulldozer I suppose?
I feel on the borders of sanity and yet know that I am in overall control. This isn't the edge of darkness or the abyss, this isn't the descent into alcoholism and self destruction, it isn't physical nor is it overtly the actions of someone who will transcend the line. I feel I am someone who doesn't quite understand where they are now, a sort of netherworld area (like Neo in Matirx 3 - stuck in between worlds) where all options are open and I can stare into each and like or despise what I see. Where alcohol could be an answer (bit I know it isn't), where running away is an option (but it isn't) and where I, as an INTJ, get to do what I do every decade or so and that is to go into a complete meltdown and destruct then reconstruct myself. A view here kind of sums up the issues I have "INTJs spend a lot of time inside their own minds, and may have little interest in the other people's thoughts or feelings. Unless their Feeling side is developed, they may have problems giving other people the level of intimacy that is needed. Unless their Sensing side is developed, they may have a tendency to ignore details which are necessary for implementing their ideas."
And
"When under a great deal of stress, the INTJ may become obsessed with mindless repetitive, Sensate activities, such as over-drinking. They may also tend to become absorbed with minutia and details that they would not normally consider important to their overall goal. INTJs need to remember to express themselves sufficiently, so as to avoid difficulties with people misunderstandings. In the absence of properly developing their communication abilities, they may become abrupt and short with people, and isolationists."
I have become very insular - I don't express myself very well except in business situations and I do not express myself very well - although I probably get somewhere with this blog.
Anyway - Flocky came to the rescue and I know that I do have a number of people whom I can rely on to put me on the right track. I just cannot believe how emotionally unstable and insular I've become and how phobias are once again encroaching on me.
I like to think that in business I am right up there and really on top of my game. Unfortunately, as a private person I just seem to be a bit of a wet blanket and a bit of a wimp at the moment. I'm sure it is all connected to what I have been through.
I like the statement "The INTJ's interest in dealing with the world is to make decisions, express judgements, and put everything that they encounter into an understandable and rational system. Consequently, they are quick to express judgements. Often they have very evolved intuitions, and are convinced that they are right about things. Unless they complement their intuitive understanding with a well-developed ability to express their insights, they may find themselves frequently misunderstood. In these cases, INTJs tend to blame misunderstandings on the limitations of the other party, rather than on their own difficulty in expressing themselves. This tendency may cause the INTJ to dismiss others input too quickly, and to become generally arrogant and elitist." because it kind of explains why I am like I am. I know I am like this and I realise that if you don't get it as fast as I do, often enough, then you are probably too stupid to work with me!! :-) No - honestly - if you can't keep up you don't stay in my team.
It isn't a great personality trait and I know I am like it but I have always had to be a leader or take a leading role and you have to be a bit like this to do it. Don't get me wrong, I think I do really well considering what I've been given to work with. I just find it a cruel thing that I don't have the ability to express or explain myself very well and that means that I come across in the wrong way to many people. The nightmare is that it hurts me so much when I realise that I've messed up or misunderstood a situation because I can't read it - I don't do emotions, I do logic - now I know how Spock felt.
Enough for tonight!
