Who is right?

Crack of Sparrows call from my brother.  Difficult to know what to make of it other than he wants me up there.  If I had been already then what?  As I asked him, "What exactly were you thinking I might do?"  That's the problem as I said to him if I'd already been up there and done the supportive bit etc. then what?  It's chicken and egg of the worst possible kind.


Then there's the other bit of once I'm up there is it just a day there and back or is it two or three days at a time?  It is just difficult to tell and next week is easier to move things around than this week and some would say you should go forget it  but just what is the right thing to do?  


I shall try and get some sort of answer out of my mum when I speak to her.  In a way, after that, I will at least be able to put some sense to it.  Again, it isn't a lot of use me just sitting up there getting in the way either.  What to do? What to do?


I guess it will play out one way or another.

Trying to work out what to do next

It is interesting as today I saw a few jobs and thought, they look good but a little later retreated from them as I thought a bit more about them.  Here's the problem and it will always be a problem for me.  I really enjoy the sorts of things I've been doing for the last 10 years or so and I've learnt so much in the past few years that I can now talk with some authority about business, finance, customer and competitive research, business planning, risks, issues and contingencies and a whole host of other things.  That experience is a marketable commodity in my eyes and I'm not sure whether I should set my sights lower unless it is for a job in the Third Sector which I would certainly consider would be lower rewarded in terms of money but would be a higher reward in terms of philanthropic pursuits.


I think that after this week is over and done with I will take a short breather, enough time to just work out what to do and to clear my office of the last 2 years of paperwork and just archive all of that.  I can then file away the business stuff and clear the decks getting myself organised properly to start to think clearly.


Horrible as it sounds, I somehow need to understand dad's situation and to come to terms with that and to work out my reaction to it for at the moment I feel something but I don't feel what I thought I should.  In fact it is a lot like having Cancer as what you think you should feel like is very different to how you do feel.  Strange but true.  I have a number of things I must sit down and sort out including some accounts and odds and ends of paperwork.  I'm going to go and see the local history society in a few weeks too as they meet on a Friday and go have a chat with then and see what gives there.  


I'm considering what to do with the family history business and also some of the more interesting ideas I've got and when someone I know comes back from holiday I will go and see him and work on some business ideas that I had that he seems interested in.  I wonder if my future lies in providing that level of advice and consulting in short bursts to business people who wouldn't necessarily have my sort of expertise?  Who knows.

What does that mean?

Doctor been and sorted out some of the symptoms dad is having, giving heavier pain killers but bloods and blood pressure seem to be normalising and he is eating again.  However, the problem is that it is like all these things, we don't know actually what it is that is doing this, the fall, the cancer or the steroids which he shouldn't have had that he is almost finally weaned off.


I'm just on standby and as soon as I hear anything then I will need to spring into action. 

End of Life

Either I'm a cold fish or perhaps I just look at things differently to most.  I hate the idea of my dad suffering away there and just getting no quality of life and without doubt the surgeons extended his life as I originally didn't see him making it past Christmas.  He's very strong (or was) and has had some extra time but in all honesty - it isn't him and it isn't a good way (is there ever) for things to work out but I guess we don't get to choose and we don't know when, where etc.


I have to admit to being in a strange place but then again we are shutting down (or putting the shutters over) our business this week and the girls are in exams or final projects and so timing isn't great but once again you can't choose that either.  I have no idea if you get a certain way along and then consciously make up your mind that you've had enough and give up.  


My limited brushes with the subject came when I had my feinting episode and got taken to St. Thomas's Hospital (about the best place) and had all that good stuff and 5 days of tests - I wouldn't go to sleep in case I didn't wake up - my children were very young then too - terrifying time but after that - things were OK and then, of course, Bladder Cancer and for some weeks I was wrestling with the arguments around what would happen - remember the staging wasn't known and I had to wait for tests and diagnosis so for 3 weeks I was waiting and then a few weeks more to find out.  Then it was noted as being a pretty nasty one.  When asked did I think I was going to die?  I have no hesitation to say that I really did think that at first.  


We all have to die, we don't like the idea, we don't discuss it much and we sort of brush it under the carpet a bit.  We don't know how to deal with each other and that's everyone, talking to the dying, talking to relatives of the dying etc.  We are very concious that we might offend or be indelicate.  I'm not really indelicate (I think) but I am a realist, this is going to happen and everyone is going to be very upset about it and it is going to be a horrible time for us all but we just have to deal with it and move on.  There's nothing in our power we can do to stop it and we just need to brush ourselves down and make the best of it and adjust.  I'll hate it because I don't like seeing people upset, not since I've been ill have I been able to cope with it and yet before, it would not have been a problem.  Either I've learnt compassion or as I suspect, there have been some interesting chemical changes in my body and some easing of the cells in my brain :-)


I'm not looking forward to this next stage either (who would) especially as I'm far away and reacting to any change in circumstances is going to be difficult.  Some people have told me that they regretted not being there "at the end" and I'm not sure if it is possible for that to happen, how would you be able to judge that and how could you possibly be there unless it is some sort of vigil and you get sufficient warning.  Some said they left their loved ones in seemingly good health and spirits to get home and find out that they had died.  


Things will take their course and I just hope that when they do it will be peaceful and pain free.  If I am there, then so be it but if not, well circumstances and timing would have been different that's all.

Short Hold

Whilst I wait to hear what the Doctor has to say tomorrow.  Dad has started eating again today which is good - he was only pecking at stuff because of the pain and has been sleeping a lot too.  The pain killers appear to make him want to sleep and I suppose that is no bad thing.   


I'll get a call from my mum tomorrow afternoon and can then make my mind up on what to do about things.  All my commitments are on alert now that I may not make them (that's this Friday and Saturday).  Anyway - let's see what happens tomorrow.

Strange Feelings

Strange indeed.  Not sure how I feel at the moment.   It's obviously not a good time at the moment and Dad's been going through the mill of it with falling over, tablets that perhaps he shouldn't have had and a whole range of things going on. 


Whether or not things are as bad as my brother says I will try and find out tomorrow from my mum and make a decision on what to do.  The distance is a problem as it always was going to be and that doesn't help me.  My brother's suggestion of driving there and back in day when faced with a trip around the M25 and M11 and back entailing a minimum of 5 hours if not 6 hours driving doesn't exactly fit my best things to do in a day criteria - if I have to I have to but it isn't as if it is something that I enjoy doing as a day trip.


I'm in a strange place I have to say - strange in as much as before I spoke to my brother I knew dad was poorly but not quite as poorly as he said so that has disturbed me.  The description he gave sounds, to me, like things have deteriorated in a few hours since I'd spoken to my mum and if that is the case then when I speak to her later today (now) I can see what I will need to do.   


I still feel quite remote from what is going on and a little less emotional than I thought I perhaps should although I did feel pretty disturbed with what my brother told me.  I'm expecting that tomorrow isn't going to be good news and so better prepare myself for that.

That's a phone call I'd rather not have had

Phone call with mum wasn't good and brother and sister in law were called in early to assist move my dad who is in a lot of pain with this tear across his chest.  My brother then called me to sort of say dad's really getting very frail, grey and his chest is beginning to rattle and he isn't eating much and maybe I ought to come up this week.


I probably will have to do that but will wait until I hear what happens in the morning as mum is ringing the doctor and in a way that will determine a course of action for her, my dad and inevitably for me.


I'm going to set some scenes with a few people as a "just in case" as I had some plans this week but might have to change those based on what transpires.


My brother is a little prone to excitability in these sorts of circumstances but I think he has a point this time.

Sunday Struggles

The diet starts again on Sunday and I struggle with it.  Not with wanting to get back on to it but with starting to eat again!  I have to force food down first thing in the morning as I really don't want to eat anything.  I'm so stuffed from cheat day that I really don't want to be looking at any more food.


This coming week may once again be difficult as I have a meal out (possible) and a meeting and a meal on Friday so possibly two days where the diet might get broken.  So far I've been pretty good but of course sometimes you cannot help but eat things that afterwards you find out you perhaps shouldn't.  Sausages are fine and I had some on Wednesday and they were great - a bowlful of small cocktail ones with mustard but what else?  Damn, Honey - so that would have spiked things for me, had I worked that out before hand I would have requested them plain.  


A friend is a Vegan and I offered him my roll last night and he said he couldn't as he didn't know the ingredients - it must be very difficult for him when he goes out, he even wears non -animal suits and shoes etc - try working that out.  It must be very difficult for him not to come into contact with something that has touched an animal or was derived from one.


But I digress.  I will need to be careful of what arrives on my plate in future but also be aware that sometimes you cannot always be certain.

Poor old dad (update)

Once again he is bed bound and very poorly, very sore and can barely move after having pulled the "gristle" around his breast bone and ribs.  It even sounds sore writing it.  He can barely move at the moment and so is feeling very miserable indeed.  


You can only imagine what it is like and can only really offer sympathy and just feel for him - what else can you possibly do?  


I'm off to a Lodge meeting this afternoon and the sun is out for the first time in what feels like months :-)  Let's hope it isn't too warm in the meeting or at the meal afterwards.


Today is cheat day and so that does mean I can have a few beers and that I can also have whatever food is stuck in front of me too.  I've been pretty good this morning only consuming a few bags of sweets and some milky, sweetened coffee.  Perhaps some toasted cheese at lunch and then whatever we will have this afternoon will suffice.  I certainly don't want to be feeling quite as bad as I did last Sunday when I didn't want to face breakfast.

Poor old dad

Poor fella is going through the wars, was very sore this morning after his fall and so now is on some strongish pain killers - as if he didn't have enough tablets to take!  


Hopefully this will give him a little short term respite from the pain and also now he is being weaned off the tablets they gave him to help him that actually didn't let's hope he can have a less eventful time.  Of course, he is just going to continue getting weaker and weaker and continue the downward spiral.  All we and the professionals can do is make him comfortable.  


The hell of this is that he is aware (most of the time) of what is going on.  

Piano Tuned

The Technician turned up today and did his best and managed to tune the piano a bit and so I have an in tune piano albeit a note and a half lower than it should be.  We have a plan now to start to play it and to get the Technician back in 4 months and gradually move that out to 6 months.   He reckons we could get it back into pitch in a few years but it needs to be worked on to make that happen.  The old piano is a wee bit too far gone to do much with and I need to chase up the new owners and see when they are coming as it needs to be hydrated.


Anyhow, piano available and in tune so I had a very brief play of it earlier and looking forward to perhaps digging out my books and starting to learn my chords again.  It would be nice to have that sort of skill.  Maybe I could get a tutor but who knows - I suppose I ought to get a paying job first on that one.


I was very concerned I was heading into a depressive state earlier today - before I heard my dad's news - but seem to have dragged myself out of that.  I'm also going to take myself off to bed now and attempt to get to sleep without head going 90 to the dozen. 

The Missed Phone Call

I dread getting a call from my brother and today I missed a call from him but couldn't contact him so left a voice message.  He then texted me saying that Dad had fallen over and was a bit the worse for wear.


I only spoke to my mum earlier today and she was fine and the doctor had been in and he came straight back very quickly when she rang him - which is good - I doubt he'd have wanted to go to hospital.  Doctor and Hospital appear to have "had words" about medication he is on and doctor is annoyed that said meds are making him diabetic and if things go on like this he will need Insulin not just the odd tablet.  


Things have been bad these past few weeks.  The trouble is that he isn't getting the most out of his food and the meds were to help him break that down and gain benefit.  The side effect is that they are making him more ill in another area.


My brother tells me dad is looking quite grey and drawn now - he was when I saw him.  I'll call in the morning and see what's going on.


Interestingly I bumped into a few guys tonight who haven't seen me for around 4 or 5 years.  They said how well I looked and that I'd put on weight and so on.  It was funny as one of them told me how ill I actually looked.  Now, I never ever felt I looked ill - drawn perhaps but not that bad but a look back at some photos and listening to a number of people now perhaps I did look rough.  Always nice to hear that I look that much better.

Definitely a bit down today

Down a notch or two in terms of my usual demeanour but only to be expected with dad not exactly right and given that we are wrapping up the business.  Two years is a long time to have spent on pursuing it and whilst we would like to have gotten somewhere realise that it isn't always possible to bring something quite as radical to market as this.


No matter how you prepare yourself for these eventualities and no matter how you think you will react, there's some sort of switch inside that makes things appear far worse.  So today I'm battling that general feeling of being "down" and not really my cheery and happy self.  


Had a horrendous dream last night, completely apocalyptic, everyone was infected with an incurable virus and were dying all over the place.   Woke up from that one gladly I can tell you.  


Off out again to London later and hope that I'll be a little more cheerful than I am now. 

Funny Day

Not sure how I ended up paying for it though but I did!  Ho hum.  Interesting conversations and discussions with some of the (now) ex team members.  I don't feel too bad although I should,  Given the amount of alcohol consumed!


Anyway - have got a little further forward and also a little further back all at the same time.  Sudden'y, now, everyone has bright ideas.....  Where were they 6 months ago?


Not quite so morbid and down in the dumps now but perhaps overnight that will change!? :-)

Strange Place

Well I'm a bit better this morning and a good sleep has helped.  The problem I often have is that I think too long and too hard and overload my head with lots of things to sort out all at once.  I am however in a better mood this morning and not quite so sombre.  I guess that yesterday was the final nail in the coffin and so it is a reality now.


Off to London shortly to go meet some of the team and see what their take on things is.  They, unlike me, have other jobs and have been getting paid these past 2 years.  It won't be quite as much of a shock to them as it is to my co-founder and I.  Ho hum, these things are sent to try us and I'm OK about things today whereas I had to admit to being pretty sad (or probably deeply reflective) yesterday.  I'm also sure that the news about dad didn't really help either.


Hopefully a day out will sort my head out.

Sad

It's late - I should be in bed but I'm sad and I'm reflective.  I'm listening to the album "Nude" by Camel - it's one of my all time favourites but I'm not feeling great at the moment and this reflects my mood in a way.


The album is a concept one about a Japanese soldier who was marooned on an island after the second world war.  Based on a true story it has some wonderful passages and great guitar solos.  


It isn't really helping me much and draws me into a sort of sombre mood.  I love the music but it makes me reflective and tearful.   However, it is "just right" at the moment as it captures my feelings extremely well.


I'm in a very strange place right now.  Yesterday the last piece fell into place and suddenly I'm back in the market and I just don't know where I actually want to be be.  I have many ideas and lots of experience but I haven't resolved in my self what I want to do going forward.  Life is now screwing with my head.   I don't really know what I want to do for the 2nd or 3rd time since Bladder Cancer came knocking at my door, I'm trying to work out what it all means.


Faith comes into play once again as do many of the lessons I've learnt these past 3 or 4 years.  What do I do next?  What will "float my boat" and where does my future lie?


Here's the problem(s):

• What does my survival mean and how can I live but benefit others through it?
• I've committed lots of my time to a number of things that haven't actually happened - how do I feel about the wasted (or is it) effort?
• I've loads and loads of experience and ideas - will anyone actually "buy" these from me?
• Does anyone (apart from me) actually give a sh1t about what I want?
• Is it all about me or is it about my family? 

And on and on it goes  - I'm really back where I started 5 years ago in one respect - in terms of money income to the family.  In other terms I'm so much richer in my head and in my attitude etc.  Unfortunately this great feeling stuff isn't materialising into hard cash and that is what I need to look after my family etc.  There's this balance between doing the right thing and doing the Right thing and I'm wrestling with that problem right now.


I'm very bad at talking this stuff through - I'm an INTJ - let's face it - what chance have I got???  


Oh well - things will work themselves out in the next month or so - as my friend told me tonight "it was such a brilliant idea and so way ahead of its time no wonder no one got it!"  It's still annoying as hell though.  

Life, The Universe and all that

I am free.  That's the end of my journey and things weren't mean't to be.  It is a damn shame and of course someone else will be the first to market and will come up with our idea eventually and we will be the Icarus of the idea.  Hell - what a shame, what a nuisance and what a waste (or is it)?


I've now got to do a lot of soul searching and a lot of working out what I want to do.  Tomorrow starts that process with some trusted colleagues and (no doubt) large quantities of Red Wine!


Let's see what the future holds for me now.  We've been here before and I've had adversity and crap thrown at me in spades, this is no different but this time, have I learnt from what I've lived through and can I turn it to my advantage?


WATCH THIS SPACE :-)

That's it - the game's up

Got the final confirmation that we aren't going to get investment just a few minutes ago.  That's disturbing and annoying, expected and settles the matter.  What a shame.


Many people have commented that they have never seen a more compelling proposition or such a well structured series of plans and financial projections and yet, despite all of that, the risks are too great and the market so depressed that you just can't get the money unless, of course, you fit a very narrow, well publicised, photofit of what is needed.  Unfortunately we aren't likely to ever fit that profile.  I'm not as fed up as I thought I'd be but then we prepared for this as well as the opposite by making ourselves examine the prospect some time ago.  


Ironically the agency tasked with solving the digital divide in the UK were away at a brainstorming session today.  It's a bit of a shame that they didn't even want to talk to us about what we have considering they are trying to find an answer and we've got it :-)  It's amazing how Ironic Irony can be sometimes......  Maybe they'll reconsider and come talk to us, they happily talk to people with makeshift short-term solutions.  But there you go, it sounds like sour grapes and is a bit but then there's been a lot to learn on this journey.


Prime learning - most people we've met are programmed to tackle problems in a certain way and  do not think outside of the box at all.  We have such a radical answer that many people don't get it at all.  It is probably not their fault but it is surprising that so many people were completely off beam and kept relating us back to their comfort levels.  The trouble is that even after having been thinking outside of the box ourselves, it is all so easy to go back into thinking like the rest of the world in a linear way and using a narrow set of facts to base ideas and actions on.


I think that we might indeed advance shutting things down from Friday week to later this week given that we now have our final result. 


A bit sad considering all the millions of people who cannot get on-line and despite what Governments and their departments say, they don't actually appear to give a toss about them.  

Oh Dear Sleep - Again

I haven't been having sleeping problems for a long time now and thought all was back to normal with vivid dreams and feeling relaxed and rested but the last few days have seen the insomnia type conditions re-appear and finding myself laying in or going back to sleep rather than getting up.  I'm pretty certain that a lot of this is down to working into the evenings thinking about what I want to do and yesterday I was on the PC all day doing research and writing things down.  My mind was overly active and it took ages to get to sleep.


I think I will try and address that this week if I can but I'm out late for the next three nights :-(  


My Dad is showing signs for some concern and is having far more bad days than good now.  He is beginning to feel a bit sorry for himself but still wont have the specialist nurses into see him.  I think he just isn't accepting the situation which is concerning to us but of course it is his decision and his mind is still fine so only he will know when to do this.  


I've pulled off my calendar / diary for the next few months so I can see when I can get up to see him.  May is a very bad month as I have lots of things on throughout the month and something every weekend.  This week I'm out three nights and two afternoons plus Saturday.  This is when I have little to do :-)


Next week is the crunch date for my business as if we haven't heard by Thursday week we will shut things down and so I guess one thing will go out of my life and we will scale right back and just do some odds and ends to tidy up and then work on what we want to do next.  


At least that is out of the way and I'll have time to myself without going through the motions as we are at the moment.  Professional to the end :-)  I think we will draw the line at going down with the ship - what's the point in that?


Still happy with the diet and now just want to bust down through the 15 stone weight and see if I can get below 15.  I'm managing to keep to the diet extremely well and over the next few days I've got a few more "testers" but I should be OK as I can choose what to eat tomorrow and just be circumspect about what I eat on Thursday - a 5 course banquet though so there are bound to be some dangers hidden in that :-)  Saturday is cheat day so I can enjoy myself and not worry.

A Very Quiet Day

It was a very strange day indeed as both girls are away.  It was very quiet and as it threw it down with rain intermittently we spent the day in the house.  Strange how the day went, I spent the day working on the computer and picking my way through ideas on things to do to turn a buck.  Have to say I also secured some twitter and blog accounts just in case I go down one of the routes.


The next thing to do is to start to formulate my ideas and see what I really want to do in the future.  There are a lot of things I'd like to do but of course, some are great ideas but hardly practicable and a few I think would take me 6 to 9 months to bring to fruition.  


So what I have now are a series of small business plans to do some high level tests on whether they might be worth doing.  It takes a little while to do each but at least this gives me a quick idea of whether or not it makes sense.

Damn photos

They don't lie do they?  Well maybe.  But just saw a few photos of myself and whilst you can see I've lost a fair bit I still look like a blimp and so that's spurred me on to the next phase.  2 Stone down and I wonder if I can get down a further 2 Stone?  


I'm back on the diet and still feel good.  Probably the best news is the dramatic drop off in blood pressure which is great.  I was already on a downwards trend but this diet seems to have to nailed it to around the 130 over 90 mark and below which should keep my doctor happy.  Once again, the loss of weight also appears to have settled that down and here's another interesting thing.  I noticed down the week that I'm not so breathless and wasn't so affected by being in a crowded place although I doubt that I am completely clear of that.  What it must be is that I'm not carting around all that weight and so breathing is easier and I just feel that much better.  


It is surprising how much better I feel and so continuing with the diet is a no brainer.  

Back on Track

Not too much damage done by the looks of it but I do struggle the day after cheat day to start back onto the diet.  Not, as you may suspect, through not wanting to at all but more so from the jolt that the cheat day gives the system I really don't fancy eating anything at all, I need to force myself to eat.  You really must eat within 1 hour of waking and it is pretty important to do that too as the weight loss works best when you do.  The very last thing I wanted to do was eat but I did force myself to do that.


Once that was done the rest of the day fell into place and I was able to sort that out.  It is a strange thing indeed but the cheat day really does mess my system up and the excesses of that day really do shock the system - I could feel it especially the hit from sugary things - it really make my body wonder what on earth has happened to it.


This week too is a challenge but I think I can stay on track pretty much but once again there are three meal out - one mercifully is on Saturday so I will enjoy that to its full.

Home Thoughts, from Abroad

Came and sprang into my mind:


Robert Browning

Home Thoughts, from Abroad

O, TO be in England
Now that April 's there,
And whoever wakes in England
Sees, some morning, unaware,
That the lowest boughs and the brushwood sheaf
Round the elm-tree bole are in tiny leaf,
While the chaffinch sings on the orchard bough
In England—now!

And after April, when May follows,
And the whitethroat builds, and all the swallows!
Hark, where my blossom'd pear-tree in the hedge
Leans to the field and scatters on the clover
Blossoms and dewdrops—at the bent spray's edge—
That 's the wise thrush; he sings each song twice over,
Lest you should think he never could recapture
The first fine careless rapture!
And though the fields look rough with hoary dew,
All will be gay when noontide wakes anew
The buttercups, the little children's dower
—Far brighter than this gaudy melon-flower!

And then this also remembered.  Happy days way back to school days and my teenage years:

I have no idea why that should be but there you go.  Both are rather nice I hope you'll agree.  

Nice Day Out

I think I did pretty well today not having a beer, sticking to my Red Wine but the meal itself was pre-loaded on the plate and so I succumbed to a few roast potatoes and as I was having cheese anyway I just took the hit.  I have a meal tomorrow and a party on Saturday and so I've decided to try to keep as much as possible to the diet tomorrow until the evening and just go for a cheat Friday to Saturday night.  Sunday I will start again on the diet although I still have challenges now for Wednesday and Thursday of next week I should be able to "manage" those better than this week.


My dad's getting a little worse each day at the moment and to add to his woes his eyes are getting bad and so he probably needs to get an electric razor as he finds concentrating wet shaving difficult.  I do feel for him because his mind is fine, it is just his body letting go that is hard to take and he gets very down because he cannot undertake even simple tasks without needing help.  He had a little collapse - more like a slumping to the ground - and he had to be helped up by mum.  It's not fair is it?  


Had a talk about Dementia today at our meeting very interesting stuff and interesting views on what the future holds.  Sometimes I wonder if it were better that the mind be turned off before having to contemplate your own mortality and your inevitable destiny.  I know that I had to do that early on but learnt quite soon that maybe, just maybe, I'd be able to survive given my age and whilst it was very serious, things could be done.  In my dad's case, there's not a lot more they can do and I still don't think he acknowledges that it might be useful to get some professionals involved so that they can prepare the way for him to come to terms with it.


As you know dear reader, I'm not that close to him to have the conversation myself, indeed I don't recall any conversation regarding feelings or emotions ever having entered out circle of interaction.  That may appear sad to you but that's the way it has always been and I know no different so in a way what's happening now could only happen this way.  I do talk to close friends far more about these things and to fellow sufferers perhaps even more so as it helps to explore some of the stuff that happens and to recount how we felt, how we reacted, how we get over things etc.

Day 4 of 6

Today, off to London again and another formal meal.  I've had a high protein breakfast and I'm contemplating going out in the rain to the station and up to London.  I've got almost an identical meal to last night except I've Smoked Salmon to Start but the main course and Cheese were choices from some time ago.


I don't aim to be there for too long before the meal itself and will come home straight afterwards.


At least I'm not out until Friday night thereafter!  What a week. 

Diet shot to pieces

Intentionally I realise that I cannot stick exactly to what I want to do as there is always some sort of compromise.  Today was one of them and I specifically worked on that basis.  I did have a high protein slow carb brunch but didn't eat until tonight and that at around 8:15 - the soup was lovely but must have contained some cream or milk and the roast beef was great as were the vegetables but a Yorkshire Pudding and Potatoes were there too and I had pre-ordered Cheese and Biscuits months ago.  


I have however stuck to red wine as my main drink throughout.  I will probably go for beer on Friday night and extend my cheat day through to Saturday.  In fact more like cheat week if I'm honest.  Next week I have two more events to go to but hopefully that is where it stops.

Exhausted

Was pretty exhausted this morning after getting in late and then just not feeling like I wanted to get up at all.  Finally pulled myself out of bed for Lunch (brunch) and had a high protein one but will wait until I eat again tonight at around 8 pm.


It was an interesting day yesterday and I was on my feet for quite a while.  The day went very well and I just gave up any idea of avoiding carbs although it was only very small and the sweet course was apple tart and I had that too.  Mind you having spent a lot on the dinner thought I'd better eat my due.  Was only drinking red wine but ended up catching the second to last train home that ran late and on a loop line through engineering works.  Got home about 1:30 in the morning but hey ho - it wasn't raining and we had a good evening with some Canadian ladies who were on holiday here.  What we forgot was that late license in London so it was around midnight we grabbed a taxi back to the station :-)


I was sat here a moment ago and took my Blood Pressure and was pleased to see that was low and I'm hoping that the odd of piste parts of my diet this week don't overly affect me too much.  The problem is that I have wall to wall meals from now until Saturday night and can only influence a few breakfasts myself - everything else is provided by someone else.  As long as I'm not stupid and go way off beam and make sure that things are done in moderation - I'm sure it will be OK although I may not lose any weight as such. 

I forgot to add

That is is also our Anniversary on Wednesday and I'm out.  I tend to have this problem every year as these meetings are all planned for the first week in May and sometimes it just falls like that.


At least I have bought a card which is already here!  


I've had to buy a new tie for tomorrow, my other one was captured as a trophy by some Scottish Masons during an "interesting" meeting some time ago.  As I'm "on parade" and working tomorrow I had better have one.  So another £15 spent.


Had some interesting conversation today about "the future" and what I want to do going forward.  It is interesting that people are still full of advice but a bit short on delivering the goods and that will be interesting when I meet them next week.  We will have a long and interesting discussion and maybe, just maybe I'll start to get some clarity on what I want to do.  It always seems to me that lots of people have good advice and ideas but I will be interested to see if I can do the Jerry Maguire - "Show me the money!" :-)  


I am beginning to form some key thoughts now around what I need to do in terms or what the outcomes probably need to be but there are some key questions which need answering and they aren't straight forward.  By that I mean that there may be some tough questions and there may be some divergence of ideologies :-)  The Bladder Cancer did some major shifting in my outlook and the last 6 years have all brought ideas and concepts, theories and practice, experimentation and results together to produce a different me.  I like that the lack of interest in what we are doing isn't a disappointment that requires a lot of mourning or navel gazing - the work we did, the attitude we have - the pragmatic approach means that it is what it is and it couldn't turn out much different given the time, circumstances and place (I sound a bit like Morpheus from the Matrix writing that!).  Damn I wish I'd taken the Blue Pill now!  :-)


But really what it comes down to is that I now have "an attitude" that reflects what I've learnt and what I've experienced, what I've read and how I've reacted to the disease.  My head is saying two things to me and the battle is between lifestyle and going back to how I was pre cancer - maybe a few years before then when I was at the peak of my powers and top of my game.  I'm probably strong enough physically and mentally to go back to that high powered, rather well paid but very demanding life.  Yet the other side of me is rebelling against it all, lifestyle, life, learning, low stress, doing what I want to do and enjoying that are the counterpoint.  Life just got interesting in another way and suddenly I have a relatively clean sheet of paper to work out what I want to do.


Or do I?


Lifestyle may actually mean giving up everything that went before and changing how things are and how they will be.  It may mean changing location and family and friends too will be impacted to greater and lesser extents.  Should you just go and do it for yourself and sod the consequences?  Many people do.  Do you stretch and strain friendships or do you rely on the strength of them to support the change.


It is going to be an interesting journey whatever happens.

A Week Full on

Often the beginning of May starts with a Bank Holiday (which we get next week).   So this week instead of 4 straight days of Masonic things going on I have 5.  That's right every day this week something is going on.  I'm out Monday night, all day Tuesday including evening, Wednesday afternoon and evening, all day Thursday and evening Friday too! 


Amazing!  But there you go - Mrs. F. is OK with that apparently!  We are also out Saturday night so I fully expect the diet to take a few wobbles along the way but I'm able to dance around the food stuff and can ask for more vegetables etc and refuse potatoes and so on.   I'm guessing there will be a few forbidden foods that may get past my guard but as long as I don't go mad I should be OK and it is difficult as there are 4 meals that are out of my control as to what is available.


Have to say that I'm pretty impressed with the diet so far.  Clothes wrap around me now and it is amusing to put on a shirt and have enough spare material to wrap over by a good 3 or 4 inches.  I'm quite pleased with the result and seeing the weight gone it encourages further participation in the diet and as Mrs. F. comments it is also cheap to feed me too.  We cook up the legumes and freeze sufficient for a day allowing me to pull a bag out a day and use them.  At 90p a bag we can get a full 7 days supply out of each which is pretty good economically if you think about it?  Eggs, Chicken and Spinach and Salad are also pretty inexpensive too so it all seems to work quite well on many fronts, economically, well-being and also health wise too.  My BP readings are nice and low and generally within the limits I set.  It would be nice to get them a few points lower but with more weight loss and a little more exercise, that should happen.  


So let's hope that I can keep with the programme and stick as near as possible this week to the diet - I know that will be difficult but I really don't want to end up back where I started which will be all the encouragement I need.

Yuk - Day After Cheat Day

Bad back yet again - what's wrong with me?  If it continues I may need to go and get this checked out - it is crazy the amount of back aches I get especially where they are really low down on my spine.  Let's hope it isn't anything serious.  Mind you the are increasing in frequency and this morning it was a real struggle getting up - in fact I just went back to sleep and tried got up late.


Then there was the next problem - by the time I'd gotten out of bed and had my morning medicine it was around 11a.m. and whilst I'm meant to eat within an hour of getting up it was a close run thing.  I just about managed some brunch around 11:45 and some cold water but it was all I could muster to actually eat it.  Sounds strange but I have so much and cheat day does tend to mean gorging out on all sorts of things you normally wouldn't have, even wanting to face food the next morning is difficult.


I just didn't feel hungry at all and I really had to force myself to eat.  This evening wasn't so bad but by then I was ready for a meal.  I'm still impressed at the weight loss so far and this week will be a tester and I know that I'm not going to dodge all the bullets coming my way - I will just have to take the best route through that I can.

One for Flocky

Mrs. F. & A went out earlier and I was left deciding what to do for the remainder of the day when Chris and Flocky called and suggested a beer at my local after they'd finished playing Golf.  As it is cheat day and BEER is ALLOWED :-) I jumped at the chance and had a great late lunchtime beer with the boys.  Was listening to this when I got home and thought - you know Flocky might like this? :-)

Nice guys - I really enjoyed getting out of the house saved me having to sit through DVDs all afternoon!

Decadence

Being totally decadent today :-)  Have had a proper slow carb breakfast and some ice cold water.  But now - coffee, with sweetener and milk plus a bag of Liquorice Allsorts!  That's for starters as Mrs. F. has gone to the Supermarket I have requested a doughnut (donut) and I'll be having some other forbidden foods today.  Not as many as last week but enough to shake down my system and make it wonder what on earth is going on.


Mrs. F. & A are out to a camp thing this afternoon - given the rain we've had I imagine it will be a mud bath for them.  I, on the other hand, will be happily indoors and will indulge in food madness for the rest of the day.


Next week is hectic - out every day next week and so I just need to be careful and maintain as far as possible my diet.  

Below 16

Stone that is - at last back into the right side of 16 stone, 15 stone 12 which is pretty much as it was a week ago but it has been this all week or thereabouts and so that is good.  It could be a less but the main thing is that in the 8 weeks or so since I seriously started to do take things seriously (after my previous blood pressure readings) I've lost around 2 stone which for me is pretty good.


I now need to bring some exercising disciplines back into the mix, I'm not doing any planned just when I remember or have time.  


I'm looking forward to cheat day tomorrow especially as I had a glut of chicken (not my favourite food) to consume - I finished that off last night and so can get onto something more interesting today.


All in all I'm actually feeling well overall.  Have twisted my back once again but that seems to be OK now.  That's twisting around repairing this computer and working on the other one at the same time (when will I ever learn?).


My business partner turned up yesterday and we had a chat about where we are and what comes next - it surprises me how calm and calculated we both are about it.  After all it is 2 years of our working lives that we've "given to the cause".  We still have a few cards to play out and perhaps something will happen from there but we are inclined to consider that wont happen.  


At the moment though I'm pleased that I'm still losing weight and feeling good.  I hope that I can lose a fair bit more and get down to a reasonable weight and then sustain it.  That will be the defining point, I reckon if you just continue the rules outlined you should be able to continue to lose weight to the point where it becomes routine and weight balances out.  I'm not there yet by any means - let's hope that I can be somewhere near there by the middle of the summer.  If I could lose another 2 or 3 stone I'd be impressed but think that anywhere near 14 stone would be good for me.

Tale of the monitor

Regular readers will know that I suffer acutely from "White Coat Syndrome" which sticks my blood pressure up a lot.  Today felt no different and I could feel my pulse racing but today I did a few things differently.  I had no coffee at all even when my business partner arrived unexpectedly and we went to Costa for a drink I had water.  The first blood pressure test was high but not overly so around 140 over 95 but the next two at 125 over 90 and 124 over 90 were by my standards remarkable.   I'm normally good for a lot higher than that.


We did chat a fair bit before doing the readings and I did my deep breathing exercise which also worked quite well as I could feel my pulse coming back into range.  Earlier in the day I checked my readings and got some as low as 107 over 80 which is excellent.  


The diet and losing 2 stone must have helped and the benefits are clear to see.  I didn't remember to have my Flax Seed and Flax Oil and Cottage Cheese earlier which annoyed me as that also helps I find.  Anyway, the good news is that I feel very well on this diet and whilst I occasionally get pangs of hunger I know that it is because I'm not eating quite enough at meal times.  I still only have three meals a day and the recommendation is four.  I shall try and work out how I can possibly do that.


Apparently my blood tests aren't due until June so a bit of a reprieve there then.  Whether or not I'll be able to string them out back to December will have to wait and see.

Here we are again

Back on the good old Sony PC.  It wasn't quite as painful as I was expecting - I suppose the good thing about having an image back up is that quite a bit of the work was already done and apart from having to update various software packages - it has taken just the morning to get me up and working to this level where I can actually write a blog, send emails, browse the internet etc.

The Synchronisation software immediately recognised the computer and that stuff was missing and is synchronising as I write - brilliant!

The blogger back up software needed reinstalling but the blogs were all backed into the cloud too.

I need to re do the gmail back up next - that should be fun :-)  It is nice to have the computer back and functioning though!  Phew.

Still churning away

My computer has been rebuilding for around 10 hours now and I hope by the morning it will be a little nearer completion.  


I continue to hope that things wont be too painful to get it restored back to the way it was but I foresee a long and painful journey ahead - I certainly hope I don't have to "talk" to Messrs Microsoft once more about re-loading the software I paid for back onto the same machine because of a hard drive failure - they fail to see that it is still the same PC and that I actually bought the software for that PC too.  I really don't need that sh1t again it ended with me getting pretty shitty to the operator who hung up on me:-)  I can have that affect on people.  Applying the logic bit and asking them to restate the terms and conditions and then keeping going back to the beginning about it being the same machine probably didn't help their state of mind.


What else?  Not much really - I need to go to the Doctors tomorrow and get my Blood Pressure checked.  That's if we don't get blown away or washed away with the storms we are having in between times.  I hope they abate for next week as I'm up to London a couple of days next week and out every day too!  Not looking forward to that but it happens every year at this time.


Will have to see how my dad is tomorrow - it didn't sound great this morning and I suppose we will have to see if he has "given up the will" which is what it sounded like this morning.

New Hard Drive

As I write the image from the back up drive is busy burning itself onto my new hard drive that arrived this morning.  A 10 minute swap around and a few false starts looks as if this will rebuild the PC probably back to where it started in the first place...  Let's hope that this gets me somewhere near where I need to be.  It will probably be a good two or three days to get back to the situation I was in 4 or 5 weeks ago.


Thanks goodness all the key stuff was backed up but unfortunately all my bookmarks and that sort of local stuff was (or would have been ) lost.  That can be a right pain trying to resolve but the main thing is to get the PC back and working.  Damn annoying that the hard drive only lasted 490 odd days!  That's a very short life really.  Anyway - let's hope it will be resolved soon.

The Wheels Are Falling Off

Not me, my dad.  Sounds like this morning he really isn't in a good place.  He's always suffered from - shall we call it - depression?  He gets stressed out by certain situations and whilst I've only seen it a few times, it is pretty freaky.  The worst I ever saw him was at my Uncle's (my mums brother) funeral just as we arrived for the service.  But he also goes very quiet and introverted too so you don't get much out of him.  Even we can't unlock that sometimes and it's not great but apparently today it is markedly bad.


That's not a great place to be and in my own experience, the dark stuff really is very dark indeed and it takes a lot to get yourself out of the trough you are in.  Lately dad has been having his medication adjusted and moved around so that I imagine has some bearing on this but also, of course, the disease is progressing, the tumour is no doubt getting larger and perhaps the staging has changed.  


The continuing loss of weight is an obvious factor that also depresses him and try as he might he cannot find the strength to do basic things for himself - for someone so independent you can see that this will play on his mind which remains unaffected by it all.

What to do?

It is getting to the point now where I've started to get into some detail about what to do next.  It is quite incredible that even after all the effort of the past 2 years I don't feel bad about it.  I am though wondering why I shouldn't use these skills to take on a more serious job but that's the trouble I haven't got the inclination to go and join the rat race again and feel that I'd probably not fit in too well.  I'd probably be able to go back to doing my jobbing project and program management work again as long as it isn't in London and I don't have to commute each day.  I don't think I'd mind being abroad for short periods either but again I'm weighing each of these options up.


It is quite a messy argument going on about whether it is better to take a local low paid job, sell up and go do something else or go back on to the hamster wheel....  My mind maps and spreadsheets grow as I wrestle with the options, the pros and the cons and the ups and the downs.  


It's a funny thing that half way through the day I suddenly remembered that I'd been ill and that I ought to place a risk into my thinking about what would happen if I got ill again.  That's pretty negative but I suppose I need to consider that especially as Bladder Cancer can come back and bite you when you least expect it so there's a new bit in my calculations that perhaps wonders whether stress and the bad habits you get into would add to that worry and increase the chances.  


You can't mitigate for every eventuality but you do need a Plan B and Plan C in case something like this occurs.  I see more of this sort of analysis going on in future...

Go AWAY cold

My cold is hanging around and the cough and blocked nose are still there but I don't feel ill.  Trying to shake it off is difficult though and annoying as I just want it gone.


I've spent the day doing catch up on some accounting stuff, doing my tax return and generally getting sorted out.  Not much of a tax return as I've been paid nothing this year :-) 


I've not heard back from the Hospital so hope that is good news and I've been taking my BP readings which are acceptable and so have to visit the nurse on Thursday - let's hope that my readings then are a little lower this time.


I've a visit from the auditors tomorrow to look at my accounts and I hope they find them in order - it will be useful as they can be presented on time for the first time in years. 

St. George's Day

Flocky Bicep and another friend are off to the ST. George's Day bash in London.  It's a great day out but I really didn't want to go this year.  Next week is wall to wall eating and drinking and I'm dreading that.  I'm also not sure that Mrs. F. will be too impressed with me spending out a large sum of cash on booze especially when I've told her that I've just worked for 2 years (without earning anything) and that I've got to go and so something else for a living :-)  So diet and the savings in not sending in the UN to keep the peace in the household means that I've declined the offer as much as I'd like to go.


So - Monday morning of the last week of real work on the business and by the end of the week we will have enough in place to close things down in around 3 or 4 weeks time.  I see emails have gone out this morning kicking things off.  It is a bit of a sad day but there you go, if the market isn't ready for us then maybe later on?  All the work is complete and archived - backed up and ready to be dusted off at any time and we are awaiting the final responses that we aren't expecting to be positive and will then play one last card and see if we can sell the idea on.  If we can - great - if not, well we moth ball everything and review it every 6 months or so I guess.

Cheat day reprised

The problem with cheat day is that you indulge all your forbidden foods and that's fine - you can see why but I also wonder whether it also makes you not want to do it eventually.  This morning I woke up and the very last thing I wanted to do was to eat.  I forced myself to have breakfast and lunch too.  This evening I had a bigger portion of vegetables and legumes as I'm pretty certain that eating these larger portions is better having now re-read the book.  Counter intuitive, well yes, but the stuff you are eating is much lower in terms of calories than you are used to so filling yourself up is more a matter of getting close to what you are used to.  


Whatever it is, I feel a lot better about myself and was really pleased to go out and actually look slim.  On Saturday night I was able to sport one of my really nice Hawe and Curtis shirts and I haven't been able to fit into those for 3 years I guess.  They really are nice shirts and have just been sat in the wardrobe waiting for me to slim back into them.


I've been looking at different ideas for what to do with myself in the future.  I've been running the pros and cons of running a traditional English tea room.  There is one for sale on the Kent / Sussex border that looks great and in a Sussex style roofed property.  It looks great but of course these sorts of things are hard work.  Not that hard work is the worry but there's also all the work / life balance stuff too.  So each opportunity has to pass a series of tests that include money, life style and so on.  This one is in the balance as it would encroach on my present lifestyle but then it would give me a living and plenty of leisure time too.  On the other hand I'd probably miss my local friends and my hobbies.  So weighing up all of these things on a case by case basis is essential. I find myself drawn to a country lifestyle but I need to be certain that I can live like that - it isn't as idyllic as it looks or sounds.  You'd have to drag me kicking and screaming to live where my parents and my brother live - that's way out in the country and has its own problems.  


Life is interesting at the moment - I've not felt too angry or too sad about the end of the 2 year adventure but I'm really beginning to question what I "really" want out of life and whether or not I truly want to continue in the rat race or whether selling up and moving on is viable.  For me it is but there are three other people that need to be considered too.  I remember all too well the impact that moving away had on me when I was 19 / 20 years old and also when I was 10 when my parents moved us out of London and I'd think twice before impacting the children (hardly that any-more).

Prolonged Cheat Day

It was a bit difficult to get out of it really.  Last night was my friend's and my Christmas present - a meal at a Gastro Pub and very nice it was too - a bit quaint and they were mobbed out but the food was excellent as was the beer.  Today is official cheat day and I "suppose" I could have stopped last night and had yesterday as a cheat day but I'm out again tonight so decided to just go over by the extra meal allowing me to recommence tomorrow.  


I was able to parade my flatter stomach last night in a shirt that didn't struggle to pop the buttons and a par of trousers easily 2" too big for my waist.  I'm below 16 stone now and that's so encouraging.  I hope to continue that sort of progress but the week after next is an absolute nightmare - 5 events in 5 days :-(  I will just have to take it easy and try and pick my way through the minefield on that week.  Probably best to write it off and start again the week after. 


I'm still coughing for England here!  Also found for certain the problem with my PC - one of the 2 500GB hard drives has failed - unfortunately the main operating system one but the second one has the recovery partition and so with any luck I'll be able to sort that out.  I may take advantage of the ability to remove data if the drive still works enough.  I've ordered a new drive and so hope that when that comes I can swap one out and re-build it.  It certainly saves me having to purchase a new pc......  Mind you it's taken 3 weeks or more to diagnose that.

Coughing for England

If it were an Olympic sport I'd be chosen.  It sounds as if I am on 60 cigarettes a day at the moment, hopefully the meds will kick in soon.  At least my head is clear and I'm less bunged up.  I actually feel pretty good too so that is a plus.


I thought I'd stopped loosing weight but I notice that I'm around 15 stone 12 or thereabouts at the moment which is another good drop.  It's funny but I felt I'd lost some weight this week - it is difficult to quantify how I could do that but I guess it is feelings of looseness of clothes and also my face has changed the flabby bits around by neck appear to have gone.  I imagine being ill curbed my diet a bit too.


Anyway, at least I'm on the road to recovery and also losing weight continues which I am pleased about.

Getting There

I'm glad I didn't go to the meeting this evening - I'd have been coughing and sneezing and sniffing and spluttering and you know what it is like when you try not to, you just make it worse.  A good sleep in the afternoon set me up and some more meds means I'm now ready to hit bed and see how I am in the morning.


I have to say that I've found this cold quite debilitating mainly because of the headache that is going along with it!  


Tomorrow I hope to be feeling a bit better as it is the day of my Christmas treat/gift from the girls and they are taking me to a Gastro Pub.  So that will mean I will need to have an early cheat day unless I can find something that suits my diet.  I kind of doubt they will have anything like that and we are also out Saturday so the diet will just have to take a back seat for a day.  In a further weeks time I have a major problem.  I'm out for 6 days out of 7 at various functions one after the other with little choice over menus and so will very probably just have to abandon the diet for that week.


I'm doing quite well on the diet and have managed to maintain it pretty much these past 4 or 5 weeks.  I'm hovering around 16 stone though and need to work on dropping some more.  I think I must be doing something wrong at the moment and so will re-read the FAQs and see what it may be.  Mind you I can see big improvements in my blood pressure and general well being (except this cold) so it seems to be working well up to a point.

Yuk - I hate colds

I suppose we all do but I really could do without one right now.  I've cancelled tonight's meeting and I'm meant to be going out tomorrow and Saturday as well.


I can at least feel the cold "coming out" now so that's something but could do without the coughing and sneezing and sore throat.  Another day of rest and cold and flu drugs should, I hope, clear this up as I have work to get on with and this isn't really helping matters.


All I really want to do is to lie down and do nothing.  That sounds like a plan to me.

Yuk

Oh great - I had a reasonable night's sleep and lay in as I felt so tired but forced myself up and had breakfast, flu powders and I'm in full mode, sneezing, coughing, sore throat and nose, headache from hell, you know the sort of thing.   Sneezing feels like my head is coming off and half the contents are about to come out :-(  I've made a decision to just go down stairs at lunchtime and take the rest of the day off.  I've also made a decision to not go to a meeting tomorrow (why give myself the pressure) and pass on my apologies and some instructions to the team to sort things out for me.


There's isn't anything left for me to do on the business front until Friday and so I can just keep a watching brief over things.  Whoever had this cold on Saturday - and gave it to me - I'd like to thank them for it!  What a nice gift!  Talking of which, I must write up something about my brother and the wedding one day.  Family events bring out the very worst in families.

Oh Great - a cold

I don't often get a cold but this has been coming along since probably picking it up on Saturday at the wedding - it really came out this evening and so I'm feeling not so great and sore throat, sneezing and coughing.  I hadn't realised quite how bad it was until I spoke to a friend who mentioned how rough I sounded.


Blast it - I really don't need this right now I can tell you.  I certainly don't need the headache that's going along with this either.


I've taken plenty of meds during the day but to no avail and so I'll see if the last lot will do anything overnight.  I certainly hope so.

Strange Cold Like thing

Someone suggested that it might be Hay Fever - a bit strange as it is damp and wet and has been for days so surprised if it is.  It hasn't got worse but I definitely have a sore throat and that horrible back of nose / throat feeling.  I've washed down a few paracetamol to see if that will help - it feels eased and at least it isn't getting any worse at the moment.


I think I may cancel tonight's trip out so I don't give this to the lads.  Today is perhaps the first of the run down to closing the business.  I've made up the accounts and submitted them and that's about the lot I have to do this week apart from a few emails.  I'm recovering my files from my cloud storage and synchronising software (thank goodness I did that).  I'm a bit worried now about my music files so may "invest" in storing those off site too.

Signs of a cold

The more observant of you may know that I don't get many colds or illnesses.  I've thought this was part of the regime of Immunotherapy that I had.  RIght now though I've got that back of the nose/throat dry sting that sort of suggests a cold is on its way and a very feint headache (again something I don't normally get).  So, I've had this all day and thought it was the journey or the party but maybe I've picked this up from someone at the wedding?


I certainly hope that it doesn't develop further than I have now though - I could do without a cold right now.

Not Just Me

It is an interesting thing that my co-founder of the business is likewise feeling "very strange".  It's not surprising really; we wanted to move on the idea and make a difference in people's lives and our objectives can only be achieved now if we can raise significant finance.  That isn't about to happen any time soon in many ways because the will and the money isn't around.  It's actually the right time to invest but the markets are so badly affected that many are like wounded animals - some fatally so we think as their returns are abysmal. 


We fluctuate in what we want to do and being employed and self-employed and working for someone other than ourselves again.  It's pretty hard to go into a place where you've got such wide ranging skills and experiences and just be one of the team.  It is going to be a difficult transition.  


We have worked out what we need to do now and have some dates in mind to resolve the last few outstanding things before we get ourselves to switch off the various switches and turn off the lights.  We will be leaving a night light on - just in case but we are also resolved to that being the end of it and whilst it may be able to be rejuvenated later - we cannot base our future on "ifs, and what and buts" so need to move on.  Many people think we are barking mad but that's because they couldn't commit to the journey we have made either financially or indeed intellectually and so we spend a lot of time reassuring people other than ourselves of our reasoning and decisions - strange old world - like cancer - I spent more time re-assuring other people that I'd be all right than worrying if I WAS going to be all right!


I'm happier (a bit) than I was earlier but know that I'll be in and out of this for some time yet.  Difficult times ahead but then its not as if it is life threatening or anything like that - one of the things I need to have learnt from having cancer is that whatever else I feel may be important like this really isn't as important as having your health and the ability to enjoy it.  Millions of people are far worse off than me and I just need to remind myself occasionally that things aren't that bad at all.  I'm still here and I'm well.

Not a nice place to be

Inside my head at the moment.  Feel a little bit down and a little bit indecisive, not quite myself at all.  It feels as if dad's situation has caught up with me, the realisation that a little later today we will prepare to shut down the business or take steps to close down the effort and so there's a number of things that need to be done.  I suppose it has an "end of life" feel to it so inevitably there'll be some sort of grieving going on and there's a lot to do.  Write to all the interested parties (the relatives), some sort of event (the funeral), some grieving first followed by some sort of celebration and then reflection.  Given the current situation with my dad, the parallels are marked.


Of course it isn't exactly the same but it has been my life for 2 years and so it is hard to let it go.  But let it go I have to as there is no way you can continue if the money isn't there and as we have found, if the ability to think "outside of the box" isn't there.  It is astounding to me that the vast majority of people I've met don't think differently and can't see that innovation is about mixing stuff up and shaking industries up.  It is a terrible shame but that's where we are and that's what we've found.  Even the people empowered to find a solution haven't even wanted to hear what we propose to solve the problem they've been tasked with solving.  But then like many of the Government set-up organisations they are probably not meant to find a solution to the problem but just to show that the Government are dealing with it which is a different thing altogether.


The next few weeks will be hectic as we agreed to shut things down quite fast.  This allows us to declare a clean break and to move on ourselves, taking as long as we each need to make up our minds about what to do next.  For me it isn't a case of jumping into anything too fast, I need some time to think it through and to make a decision.  For some reason there's a lot of dark and heavy thoughts coming in around my decision and I'll no doubt write those down as I go through that process.  These range from selling up and shipping out somewhere miles away through to going back into the rat race I was in before and all the associated things that may happen in between.  It's not going to be easy but then I'd be fooling myself if I thought it would be.


Like so many of these things, I can see where the problem is, I know it is temporary and I just need to work my way around to it.


On the up side, whilst my weight loss has slowed a fair bit, I am feeling a lot better my Blood Pressure is really good, perhaps as good as at the peak of my exercising activities about a year ago.  I intend to look at some exercises this week that will help me to lose a bit more and maybe they will help me.  I also need to work on ways of being more active during the day to also assist this.