Purveyor of DOOM and Bad News

Why is it that I feel that the optimism of my Mother and Brother and Sister In Law is misplaced?  


Well, it's like this.  Dad cannot stand unaided, he can't get up and go to the toilet or look after himself because his brain signals and his ability to physically respond to them are in different time zones.  He's not able to maintain normal functions and everyone thinks he is going to come home after a "bit of physio" and - sorry to say - no he isn't.  I hate being the arsehole in this time but someone surely has to be the hard nosed git that sees it as it is?  Dad's not going to get better he is unable to maintain basic functions and sad - and believe me IT IS sad - he's on a path that no one can halt and no one can help other than those who are specialists in Palliative Care.  


I fear going up there as I will be the catalyst that kicks off the process of end of life.  Sounds worrying sounds a bit far fetched - or is it?  Oldest Son, perhaps no one can let what is about to happen without my attendance and say so?  Perhaps it needs me to be there to start the process?  I don't know really and I guess it is my job - my destiny?  Do I need to be there to - grant permission for my father to die?  I really hope not.  I hope that no one waits for me or that I have anything to do to delay this.  My brother wanted me to go up earlier this week and I've held back for this and for other reasons.  No one has actually stated what is wrong with my dad or any other thing about it either.  There's the problem, no one knows, if I HAD gone up earlier this week I'd still be in the situation I'm in now.


I really hope that dad isn't waiting for me to "give permission" to go ahead with this next stage in his "life".  Hell that would be a bad thing on my conscience.


At least I'm free of work and can just spend whatever time is needed doing whatever is needed in the next days or weeks.  This is the problem with remote family.  If they had been local - like they used to be - it would be no problem to cover all the rota and to assist and even the girls who both drive could have helped but since everyone buggered off over 120 miles away - we find it difficult to get there even by train (which is an hour or more longer than by car).  


I beat myself up constantly but I've not moved house since 1988!  I think that my parents have moved 4 or 5 times in that time and 2 of those have been in a far distant place.  I don't mind, it is their choice entirely and it isn't my decision but I feel so guilty (yes I know I shouldn't).  The trouble is that I wouldn't have chosen to live where they did or where my brother lives - 5 minutes from my parents.  


I have no idea why I feel so bad now - it wasn't my decision and it wasn't part of my plan and it was their decision and theirs alone - yet somehow - peer pressure gives me the responsibility. I will step up to the mark on Sunday because, everything that I need to do here is cleared and I can go do what I need to do without affecting my own circumstances.  Damn it sounds callous writing this but I suppose as "Responsible Adult" or "Head of House" it is my responsibility on my watch to sort this out.  I will do so and I'm ready to do that and to broker what ever is needed in the coming days, weeks and I suppose months.  


I really don't want my dad to die but that's what is going to happen.  I hate seeing him the way he is now because it isn't my dad I see, it is this frightened man who has meant a lot to me being eaten away by this pernicious disease.  Of course, it hurts like hell as I survived and he isn't going to and the problems are compounded by that knowledge and that experience.  It really is difficult as I will need to "be strong" for the family and thereby be the "hard man" the face to those who will turn up to the funeral and so on.  I'm preparing myself for this role and whilst I hate it I know that I'll get good support from my family and from my friends.  I said some time ago that all my close friends had lost their fathers and how lucky I was to have my father around.  They will be a great support to me in what lies ahead.


I do have enough faith left to believe that there is a soul and that the spirit leaves the body and all we see after death is a shell and NOT the real person.  As my friend told me when his father died, he saw him and said "that's not my father, it looks like him, but it wasn't the body that was him, it was everything about him."


Well, in a way that's the way it is, my dad is the entirety of the experience and not the shell in which it is captured.  No doubt I'll be expanding on this in the next weeks.  I just hope that I can live up to his standards and that he will think well of me and we will part on good terms.  There is no reason that we cannot do that at all but let's hope that we spend the right sort of time together at the end and that we part on the level.

Last Day in the Job

Well after two years of graft and many highs and lows (more highs than lows) today is the last day I'm doing anything officially for Doddle and we will close down operations until times may allow us to dust off the idea and move it on a bit further.  Trying to raise capital in the worst economic downturn since the Second World War and some say the great Depression of the 30s is like trying to push water uphill - it just isn't going to happen and with such a big idea and its scale and ambition and therefore some inherent risks, we aren't going to get anywhere against the tide especially as the markets wont bear it currently,


The door will be left open and there are some alternatives that we will explore but for now, a rest and a period of reflection are needed.  Of course it is a shame and of course it is disappointing but neither of us are that upset about it because we kept it real throughout realising that this may well be the outcome of our efforts.


The good things are that we have learnt an awful lot about business across all disciplines and added to our existing portfolio of skills.  Both of us talk a different sort of language now and we've had and held our own in discussions with some of the top lawyers and investors in the world and they've been very receptive and most complimentary about our approach, preparedness and the idea itself.  From these people has also come the necessary reassurance that we had done everything possible to realise our ambitions.


So, no regrets about 2 years apart from, I suppose, not getting any revenue or money out of it of course :-)  Money isn't everything but with a wife and two children at University it was a challenge.  The challenge now isn't to jump from here into anything that I will regret doing.  I'm now preparing myself for whatever will happen with Dad, my forthcoming Installation as Master of my Lodge and then to take a break, try and do nothing on this damn computer and perhaps potter around the house and do some maintenance and I might, if I feel like it, tackle the bathroom or at least do as much of the preparation work ready for the plumbers to come and do the final bits.  There's work in the garden to do and the outside of the house has taken a battering with all the wind and rain and the ice damage to the render so they can be fixed too.


I have started a complex series of mindmaps that are helping me to sort out my priorities and needs and wants and to filter jobs and career choices etc.  I find it really useful to organise my thoughts in this way and to then analyse these things.  I need the break to allow these ideas, needs and wants to settle themselves down a bit and to take shape.  I really like the idea of using my history and research skills and my analysis work to take up some sort of genealogical and records based research work but again, will it pay the bills and can I make it work and pay?  I'm sure that I probably can but I need to go and take the "reality pills" and that is what the break is there to do.  I was really interested in running an old fashioned tea room in the country as a life style choice but once again it sounds lovely but is it?  This would require selling up here, buying somewhere and making a real go of it but other things suffer too when that is done.  What if you get there and hate it - then what do you do?


So that's where we are today, I think that we did an amazing job in the past 2 years building the business and getting to where we are, we were pretty thorough and knew where we were all along by keeping it real.  I was annoyed that only half of the team made it to the end, two dropping out very early on which doubled the time it took for us to get here - we should have been finished in a year but the resources messed us up.   It would be interesting if I could work out how to re-brand myself with all that experience, bottle it up, market it and sell it, it has to be valuable to anyone starting up but you would have had to have taken the journey thus far to have realised it :-)

Diet Shot so Suspended

Only for the remainder of the week as I was out Wednesday and then yesterday got my business partner drop in and we went out for lunch and I pretty much decided that I'd have a few beers and it was nice to go talk about things in general and spend a few hours chatting about my dad, business, life and absurdity in general.  


Once again this morning I just don't really feel like eating at all and I've noticed this whenever I go off diet for a day that they next day I just don't want to eat anything at all and even at lunchtime I will force some food down.  I just don't feel hungry at the moment and so I think the best thing to do especially as I am out tonight and tomorrow (even though that is official cheat day) is to suspend the diet although I tend to continue to eat the foods in the diet though but in reality it's broken for the remainder of this week.


Dad continues to be tested and they got him into a chair and said he is very weak and cannot stand on his own - "NO SHIT SHERLOCK!" what are these people on we know that, it's what we told you and part of the reason he is there.  Sometimes you despair when they replay to you exactly what you told them when he was admitted.  There's no way my mum can lift him and look after him and there will be an interesting set of conversations later today about whether he will be able to come home because the house isn't set up for a "disabled" regime, the doors and the small corridor are difficult to negotiation with a wheel chair.  So we will see what they will do.  Dad's blood sugars are all over the place which means the Pancreas is in a pretty bad way now and they are using insulin injections to try and balance him out.


I've said I will come up next week but mum's not sure when he will get out of hospital.  I fear to suggest that it will be highly unlikely that it will be any time soon unless there is some way of getting home assistance for him and even then is highly unlikely they will let him home as he is now.  Who knows what will actually happen.  Hopefully there will be some sort of beginning today of some course of action plan that will allow everyone to start to get to understand what the future may hold.  I have my own ideas about it and it really is a matter of whether he can be stabilised and be in a situation to return home.  In reality, you don't tend to get fitter when you have this sort of cancer and the additional problems he has with diabetes and next to no strength.  

Well mum sounds a lot better

Finally mum got a good nights sleep even though it was 6 hours with a short interruption and the caring and professional staff at the hospital have made her a little more relaxed about dad being there.  It's the right thing to do, he can't really support himself and she's put her back out trying to lift him around.  Today they will check dad's brain with a scan, mum doesn't want the cancer to have spread there but perhaps it has but not sure if that is actually what is wrong but we will wait and see.


The main thing is that he is in a hospital with 24x7 support from professionals who can administer pain killers and help him as best as possible.  I have no doubt that they will get to the bottom of what is wrong but I doubt that anyone actually wants to hear what it is.  There's some very useful information on the Macmillan pages about end of life and what to expect and I'm sure that we are entering that phase and that none of us are going to like what we hear later today and perhaps tomorrow.  Not eating and sleeping a lot are some indicators but of course, now he is finally off the steroid drugs (what were they thinking) it may be that but let's wait and see.


The main thing is that mum is at home and busy catching up on loads of things she has been wanting to do and dad is in good hands and in the right place.  We will see later on what it means to us all especially him.

Ewww Too Much Information

Not sure I needed to know about Dad's "movements" however, now I know, have looked it up and it isn't at all good news.  At the end of the day, who am I kidding?  It's really bad news and he's on the cusp of moving into the next phase and there's nothing any of us can do to change it.  I just want to clear the decks here and I'll go up there and get myself in place for whatever comes next.


I have to admit to being a tiny bit emotional tonight but then I have had a drink (or two) and actually managed to have a good evening I think at least I had a few beers and an Indian meal - sure I broke my diet but there wasn't much chance of not doing that.  I'm annoyed but realised that I was going for a bit of a burn out.  I actually need to vent some fury at what my dad is going through.  The issue of it all being that I see him suffering and realise how it could well be me, it's agony for him and it's like sticking hot needles into me, all I see is him suffering when he shouldn't have that after all he did for us, it's unjust and not warranted, it hurts all who love him and everyone around him.  How cruel nature (or is it God) is to do this to people.


I listened to a talk the other day about how we aren't really meant to live beyond about 35 years old and this is why we have Cancers and other problems like Dementia and Alzheimer's.  We aren't programmed to live this long - period.  So we live longer and catch nasty things like Cancer, are more susceptible to Diabetes and so on.  I do hate the way that it is gradually killing my dad and didn't just be as certain as a heart attack or something that would have been short and over and done with.  To toy with someone with a great mind is too cruel for words.   Does a just God do that to their people?  I wonder.  I need to go have the time to myself to go and work that out I think.  I find it a difficult scenario where what happens to people could possibly be considered the act of someone compassionate and caring.  If you see the anguish it brings not only to the sufferer but also to those around them it isn't compassionate or caring at all, it's downright nasty.    


So I will leave you with this that I am listening to right now.  One of my fav bands, Camel and from the concept Album Dust and Dream (about the Great American Depression and the Dust Bowl Drought).  It's a really interesting piece of music.  In fact, see if you can pick up the whole album at some time especially "Go West" which is another fab piece of music.




Somehow I am drawn to this at these troubled times, I know not why.....

Yuk Bollocks etc

Bloody phone packed up half way through the night - only charged it in the morning - what the hell is going on?  So worried that I had no news from home and arrived back and set on to power up and no message, no email, in fact nothing except from my Uncle.  In fact a message just arrived.  Dad is having a brain scan tomorrow (well later today).  Interesting times.  Not sure what is going on at the moment but, dare I say, in my eyes we are entering the home straight now and I just need to get myself prepared for this as I will need all my strength and resolve to hold the rest of the family together.  


I know that my brother will be in pieces as he is very close to my dad living 5 minutes from them for years and years.  Mum will be exhausted and we will just have to make the most of it.  I can be an arse like this and whilst people hate me for it, someone has to do the "hard man" through the tough bit.  I imagine later I'll be in bits but that can wait really, wait until I get to be on my own.

Hospital it is then

At least there is one thing about going to hospital, dad will be able to have 24x7 care and let's hope they can relieve the pain he has.  Now quite disorientated and confused the doctor wants to know if it is the Cancer, the whack on the head or the strained muscles that are doing this.  Probably a combination of the 3 I'm guessing.


So I now need to hear what that will all mean to mum and the family.  Hopefully mum will get a bit of rest and be able to be less on edge.  Looking after someone who you've lived and loved for 56 years must take a hell of a strain.  I feel pretty helpless but what can I do other than a bit of support.  I have today started to feel a bit upset about things - I have no idea how it will take me at all, the nearer we get the worse I feel.  It's not that I don't care BTW it is just the way I'm made.


Anyway, I will go out and meet some friends tonight as planned and see what they have to say, hopefully they will cheer me up or allow me to cheer them up which will mysteriously cheer me up too.  

Who is right?

Crack of Sparrows call from my brother.  Difficult to know what to make of it other than he wants me up there.  If I had been already then what?  As I asked him, "What exactly were you thinking I might do?"  That's the problem as I said to him if I'd already been up there and done the supportive bit etc. then what?  It's chicken and egg of the worst possible kind.


Then there's the other bit of once I'm up there is it just a day there and back or is it two or three days at a time?  It is just difficult to tell and next week is easier to move things around than this week and some would say you should go forget it  but just what is the right thing to do?  


I shall try and get some sort of answer out of my mum when I speak to her.  In a way, after that, I will at least be able to put some sense to it.  Again, it isn't a lot of use me just sitting up there getting in the way either.  What to do? What to do?


I guess it will play out one way or another.

Trying to work out what to do next

It is interesting as today I saw a few jobs and thought, they look good but a little later retreated from them as I thought a bit more about them.  Here's the problem and it will always be a problem for me.  I really enjoy the sorts of things I've been doing for the last 10 years or so and I've learnt so much in the past few years that I can now talk with some authority about business, finance, customer and competitive research, business planning, risks, issues and contingencies and a whole host of other things.  That experience is a marketable commodity in my eyes and I'm not sure whether I should set my sights lower unless it is for a job in the Third Sector which I would certainly consider would be lower rewarded in terms of money but would be a higher reward in terms of philanthropic pursuits.


I think that after this week is over and done with I will take a short breather, enough time to just work out what to do and to clear my office of the last 2 years of paperwork and just archive all of that.  I can then file away the business stuff and clear the decks getting myself organised properly to start to think clearly.


Horrible as it sounds, I somehow need to understand dad's situation and to come to terms with that and to work out my reaction to it for at the moment I feel something but I don't feel what I thought I should.  In fact it is a lot like having Cancer as what you think you should feel like is very different to how you do feel.  Strange but true.  I have a number of things I must sit down and sort out including some accounts and odds and ends of paperwork.  I'm going to go and see the local history society in a few weeks too as they meet on a Friday and go have a chat with then and see what gives there.  


I'm considering what to do with the family history business and also some of the more interesting ideas I've got and when someone I know comes back from holiday I will go and see him and work on some business ideas that I had that he seems interested in.  I wonder if my future lies in providing that level of advice and consulting in short bursts to business people who wouldn't necessarily have my sort of expertise?  Who knows.

What does that mean?

Doctor been and sorted out some of the symptoms dad is having, giving heavier pain killers but bloods and blood pressure seem to be normalising and he is eating again.  However, the problem is that it is like all these things, we don't know actually what it is that is doing this, the fall, the cancer or the steroids which he shouldn't have had that he is almost finally weaned off.


I'm just on standby and as soon as I hear anything then I will need to spring into action. 

End of Life

Either I'm a cold fish or perhaps I just look at things differently to most.  I hate the idea of my dad suffering away there and just getting no quality of life and without doubt the surgeons extended his life as I originally didn't see him making it past Christmas.  He's very strong (or was) and has had some extra time but in all honesty - it isn't him and it isn't a good way (is there ever) for things to work out but I guess we don't get to choose and we don't know when, where etc.


I have to admit to being in a strange place but then again we are shutting down (or putting the shutters over) our business this week and the girls are in exams or final projects and so timing isn't great but once again you can't choose that either.  I have no idea if you get a certain way along and then consciously make up your mind that you've had enough and give up.  


My limited brushes with the subject came when I had my feinting episode and got taken to St. Thomas's Hospital (about the best place) and had all that good stuff and 5 days of tests - I wouldn't go to sleep in case I didn't wake up - my children were very young then too - terrifying time but after that - things were OK and then, of course, Bladder Cancer and for some weeks I was wrestling with the arguments around what would happen - remember the staging wasn't known and I had to wait for tests and diagnosis so for 3 weeks I was waiting and then a few weeks more to find out.  Then it was noted as being a pretty nasty one.  When asked did I think I was going to die?  I have no hesitation to say that I really did think that at first.  


We all have to die, we don't like the idea, we don't discuss it much and we sort of brush it under the carpet a bit.  We don't know how to deal with each other and that's everyone, talking to the dying, talking to relatives of the dying etc.  We are very concious that we might offend or be indelicate.  I'm not really indelicate (I think) but I am a realist, this is going to happen and everyone is going to be very upset about it and it is going to be a horrible time for us all but we just have to deal with it and move on.  There's nothing in our power we can do to stop it and we just need to brush ourselves down and make the best of it and adjust.  I'll hate it because I don't like seeing people upset, not since I've been ill have I been able to cope with it and yet before, it would not have been a problem.  Either I've learnt compassion or as I suspect, there have been some interesting chemical changes in my body and some easing of the cells in my brain :-)


I'm not looking forward to this next stage either (who would) especially as I'm far away and reacting to any change in circumstances is going to be difficult.  Some people have told me that they regretted not being there "at the end" and I'm not sure if it is possible for that to happen, how would you be able to judge that and how could you possibly be there unless it is some sort of vigil and you get sufficient warning.  Some said they left their loved ones in seemingly good health and spirits to get home and find out that they had died.  


Things will take their course and I just hope that when they do it will be peaceful and pain free.  If I am there, then so be it but if not, well circumstances and timing would have been different that's all.

Short Hold

Whilst I wait to hear what the Doctor has to say tomorrow.  Dad has started eating again today which is good - he was only pecking at stuff because of the pain and has been sleeping a lot too.  The pain killers appear to make him want to sleep and I suppose that is no bad thing.   


I'll get a call from my mum tomorrow afternoon and can then make my mind up on what to do about things.  All my commitments are on alert now that I may not make them (that's this Friday and Saturday).  Anyway - let's see what happens tomorrow.

Strange Feelings

Strange indeed.  Not sure how I feel at the moment.   It's obviously not a good time at the moment and Dad's been going through the mill of it with falling over, tablets that perhaps he shouldn't have had and a whole range of things going on. 


Whether or not things are as bad as my brother says I will try and find out tomorrow from my mum and make a decision on what to do.  The distance is a problem as it always was going to be and that doesn't help me.  My brother's suggestion of driving there and back in day when faced with a trip around the M25 and M11 and back entailing a minimum of 5 hours if not 6 hours driving doesn't exactly fit my best things to do in a day criteria - if I have to I have to but it isn't as if it is something that I enjoy doing as a day trip.


I'm in a strange place I have to say - strange in as much as before I spoke to my brother I knew dad was poorly but not quite as poorly as he said so that has disturbed me.  The description he gave sounds, to me, like things have deteriorated in a few hours since I'd spoken to my mum and if that is the case then when I speak to her later today (now) I can see what I will need to do.   


I still feel quite remote from what is going on and a little less emotional than I thought I perhaps should although I did feel pretty disturbed with what my brother told me.  I'm expecting that tomorrow isn't going to be good news and so better prepare myself for that.

That's a phone call I'd rather not have had

Phone call with mum wasn't good and brother and sister in law were called in early to assist move my dad who is in a lot of pain with this tear across his chest.  My brother then called me to sort of say dad's really getting very frail, grey and his chest is beginning to rattle and he isn't eating much and maybe I ought to come up this week.


I probably will have to do that but will wait until I hear what happens in the morning as mum is ringing the doctor and in a way that will determine a course of action for her, my dad and inevitably for me.


I'm going to set some scenes with a few people as a "just in case" as I had some plans this week but might have to change those based on what transpires.


My brother is a little prone to excitability in these sorts of circumstances but I think he has a point this time.

Sunday Struggles

The diet starts again on Sunday and I struggle with it.  Not with wanting to get back on to it but with starting to eat again!  I have to force food down first thing in the morning as I really don't want to eat anything.  I'm so stuffed from cheat day that I really don't want to be looking at any more food.


This coming week may once again be difficult as I have a meal out (possible) and a meeting and a meal on Friday so possibly two days where the diet might get broken.  So far I've been pretty good but of course sometimes you cannot help but eat things that afterwards you find out you perhaps shouldn't.  Sausages are fine and I had some on Wednesday and they were great - a bowlful of small cocktail ones with mustard but what else?  Damn, Honey - so that would have spiked things for me, had I worked that out before hand I would have requested them plain.  


A friend is a Vegan and I offered him my roll last night and he said he couldn't as he didn't know the ingredients - it must be very difficult for him when he goes out, he even wears non -animal suits and shoes etc - try working that out.  It must be very difficult for him not to come into contact with something that has touched an animal or was derived from one.


But I digress.  I will need to be careful of what arrives on my plate in future but also be aware that sometimes you cannot always be certain.

Poor old dad (update)

Once again he is bed bound and very poorly, very sore and can barely move after having pulled the "gristle" around his breast bone and ribs.  It even sounds sore writing it.  He can barely move at the moment and so is feeling very miserable indeed.  


You can only imagine what it is like and can only really offer sympathy and just feel for him - what else can you possibly do?  


I'm off to a Lodge meeting this afternoon and the sun is out for the first time in what feels like months :-)  Let's hope it isn't too warm in the meeting or at the meal afterwards.


Today is cheat day and so that does mean I can have a few beers and that I can also have whatever food is stuck in front of me too.  I've been pretty good this morning only consuming a few bags of sweets and some milky, sweetened coffee.  Perhaps some toasted cheese at lunch and then whatever we will have this afternoon will suffice.  I certainly don't want to be feeling quite as bad as I did last Sunday when I didn't want to face breakfast.

Poor old dad

Poor fella is going through the wars, was very sore this morning after his fall and so now is on some strongish pain killers - as if he didn't have enough tablets to take!  


Hopefully this will give him a little short term respite from the pain and also now he is being weaned off the tablets they gave him to help him that actually didn't let's hope he can have a less eventful time.  Of course, he is just going to continue getting weaker and weaker and continue the downward spiral.  All we and the professionals can do is make him comfortable.  


The hell of this is that he is aware (most of the time) of what is going on.  

Piano Tuned

The Technician turned up today and did his best and managed to tune the piano a bit and so I have an in tune piano albeit a note and a half lower than it should be.  We have a plan now to start to play it and to get the Technician back in 4 months and gradually move that out to 6 months.   He reckons we could get it back into pitch in a few years but it needs to be worked on to make that happen.  The old piano is a wee bit too far gone to do much with and I need to chase up the new owners and see when they are coming as it needs to be hydrated.


Anyhow, piano available and in tune so I had a very brief play of it earlier and looking forward to perhaps digging out my books and starting to learn my chords again.  It would be nice to have that sort of skill.  Maybe I could get a tutor but who knows - I suppose I ought to get a paying job first on that one.


I was very concerned I was heading into a depressive state earlier today - before I heard my dad's news - but seem to have dragged myself out of that.  I'm also going to take myself off to bed now and attempt to get to sleep without head going 90 to the dozen. 

The Missed Phone Call

I dread getting a call from my brother and today I missed a call from him but couldn't contact him so left a voice message.  He then texted me saying that Dad had fallen over and was a bit the worse for wear.


I only spoke to my mum earlier today and she was fine and the doctor had been in and he came straight back very quickly when she rang him - which is good - I doubt he'd have wanted to go to hospital.  Doctor and Hospital appear to have "had words" about medication he is on and doctor is annoyed that said meds are making him diabetic and if things go on like this he will need Insulin not just the odd tablet.  


Things have been bad these past few weeks.  The trouble is that he isn't getting the most out of his food and the meds were to help him break that down and gain benefit.  The side effect is that they are making him more ill in another area.


My brother tells me dad is looking quite grey and drawn now - he was when I saw him.  I'll call in the morning and see what's going on.


Interestingly I bumped into a few guys tonight who haven't seen me for around 4 or 5 years.  They said how well I looked and that I'd put on weight and so on.  It was funny as one of them told me how ill I actually looked.  Now, I never ever felt I looked ill - drawn perhaps but not that bad but a look back at some photos and listening to a number of people now perhaps I did look rough.  Always nice to hear that I look that much better.

Definitely a bit down today

Down a notch or two in terms of my usual demeanour but only to be expected with dad not exactly right and given that we are wrapping up the business.  Two years is a long time to have spent on pursuing it and whilst we would like to have gotten somewhere realise that it isn't always possible to bring something quite as radical to market as this.


No matter how you prepare yourself for these eventualities and no matter how you think you will react, there's some sort of switch inside that makes things appear far worse.  So today I'm battling that general feeling of being "down" and not really my cheery and happy self.  


Had a horrendous dream last night, completely apocalyptic, everyone was infected with an incurable virus and were dying all over the place.   Woke up from that one gladly I can tell you.  


Off out again to London later and hope that I'll be a little more cheerful than I am now. 

Funny Day

Not sure how I ended up paying for it though but I did!  Ho hum.  Interesting conversations and discussions with some of the (now) ex team members.  I don't feel too bad although I should,  Given the amount of alcohol consumed!


Anyway - have got a little further forward and also a little further back all at the same time.  Sudden'y, now, everyone has bright ideas.....  Where were they 6 months ago?


Not quite so morbid and down in the dumps now but perhaps overnight that will change!? :-)

Strange Place

Well I'm a bit better this morning and a good sleep has helped.  The problem I often have is that I think too long and too hard and overload my head with lots of things to sort out all at once.  I am however in a better mood this morning and not quite so sombre.  I guess that yesterday was the final nail in the coffin and so it is a reality now.


Off to London shortly to go meet some of the team and see what their take on things is.  They, unlike me, have other jobs and have been getting paid these past 2 years.  It won't be quite as much of a shock to them as it is to my co-founder and I.  Ho hum, these things are sent to try us and I'm OK about things today whereas I had to admit to being pretty sad (or probably deeply reflective) yesterday.  I'm also sure that the news about dad didn't really help either.


Hopefully a day out will sort my head out.

Sad

It's late - I should be in bed but I'm sad and I'm reflective.  I'm listening to the album "Nude" by Camel - it's one of my all time favourites but I'm not feeling great at the moment and this reflects my mood in a way.


The album is a concept one about a Japanese soldier who was marooned on an island after the second world war.  Based on a true story it has some wonderful passages and great guitar solos.  


It isn't really helping me much and draws me into a sort of sombre mood.  I love the music but it makes me reflective and tearful.   However, it is "just right" at the moment as it captures my feelings extremely well.


I'm in a very strange place right now.  Yesterday the last piece fell into place and suddenly I'm back in the market and I just don't know where I actually want to be be.  I have many ideas and lots of experience but I haven't resolved in my self what I want to do going forward.  Life is now screwing with my head.   I don't really know what I want to do for the 2nd or 3rd time since Bladder Cancer came knocking at my door, I'm trying to work out what it all means.


Faith comes into play once again as do many of the lessons I've learnt these past 3 or 4 years.  What do I do next?  What will "float my boat" and where does my future lie?


Here's the problem(s):

• What does my survival mean and how can I live but benefit others through it?
• I've committed lots of my time to a number of things that haven't actually happened - how do I feel about the wasted (or is it) effort?
• I've loads and loads of experience and ideas - will anyone actually "buy" these from me?
• Does anyone (apart from me) actually give a sh1t about what I want?
• Is it all about me or is it about my family? 

And on and on it goes  - I'm really back where I started 5 years ago in one respect - in terms of money income to the family.  In other terms I'm so much richer in my head and in my attitude etc.  Unfortunately this great feeling stuff isn't materialising into hard cash and that is what I need to look after my family etc.  There's this balance between doing the right thing and doing the Right thing and I'm wrestling with that problem right now.


I'm very bad at talking this stuff through - I'm an INTJ - let's face it - what chance have I got???  


Oh well - things will work themselves out in the next month or so - as my friend told me tonight "it was such a brilliant idea and so way ahead of its time no wonder no one got it!"  It's still annoying as hell though.  

Life, The Universe and all that

I am free.  That's the end of my journey and things weren't mean't to be.  It is a damn shame and of course someone else will be the first to market and will come up with our idea eventually and we will be the Icarus of the idea.  Hell - what a shame, what a nuisance and what a waste (or is it)?


I've now got to do a lot of soul searching and a lot of working out what I want to do.  Tomorrow starts that process with some trusted colleagues and (no doubt) large quantities of Red Wine!


Let's see what the future holds for me now.  We've been here before and I've had adversity and crap thrown at me in spades, this is no different but this time, have I learnt from what I've lived through and can I turn it to my advantage?


WATCH THIS SPACE :-)

That's it - the game's up

Got the final confirmation that we aren't going to get investment just a few minutes ago.  That's disturbing and annoying, expected and settles the matter.  What a shame.


Many people have commented that they have never seen a more compelling proposition or such a well structured series of plans and financial projections and yet, despite all of that, the risks are too great and the market so depressed that you just can't get the money unless, of course, you fit a very narrow, well publicised, photofit of what is needed.  Unfortunately we aren't likely to ever fit that profile.  I'm not as fed up as I thought I'd be but then we prepared for this as well as the opposite by making ourselves examine the prospect some time ago.  


Ironically the agency tasked with solving the digital divide in the UK were away at a brainstorming session today.  It's a bit of a shame that they didn't even want to talk to us about what we have considering they are trying to find an answer and we've got it :-)  It's amazing how Ironic Irony can be sometimes......  Maybe they'll reconsider and come talk to us, they happily talk to people with makeshift short-term solutions.  But there you go, it sounds like sour grapes and is a bit but then there's been a lot to learn on this journey.


Prime learning - most people we've met are programmed to tackle problems in a certain way and  do not think outside of the box at all.  We have such a radical answer that many people don't get it at all.  It is probably not their fault but it is surprising that so many people were completely off beam and kept relating us back to their comfort levels.  The trouble is that even after having been thinking outside of the box ourselves, it is all so easy to go back into thinking like the rest of the world in a linear way and using a narrow set of facts to base ideas and actions on.


I think that we might indeed advance shutting things down from Friday week to later this week given that we now have our final result. 


A bit sad considering all the millions of people who cannot get on-line and despite what Governments and their departments say, they don't actually appear to give a toss about them.  

Oh Dear Sleep - Again

I haven't been having sleeping problems for a long time now and thought all was back to normal with vivid dreams and feeling relaxed and rested but the last few days have seen the insomnia type conditions re-appear and finding myself laying in or going back to sleep rather than getting up.  I'm pretty certain that a lot of this is down to working into the evenings thinking about what I want to do and yesterday I was on the PC all day doing research and writing things down.  My mind was overly active and it took ages to get to sleep.


I think I will try and address that this week if I can but I'm out late for the next three nights :-(  


My Dad is showing signs for some concern and is having far more bad days than good now.  He is beginning to feel a bit sorry for himself but still wont have the specialist nurses into see him.  I think he just isn't accepting the situation which is concerning to us but of course it is his decision and his mind is still fine so only he will know when to do this.  


I've pulled off my calendar / diary for the next few months so I can see when I can get up to see him.  May is a very bad month as I have lots of things on throughout the month and something every weekend.  This week I'm out three nights and two afternoons plus Saturday.  This is when I have little to do :-)


Next week is the crunch date for my business as if we haven't heard by Thursday week we will shut things down and so I guess one thing will go out of my life and we will scale right back and just do some odds and ends to tidy up and then work on what we want to do next.  


At least that is out of the way and I'll have time to myself without going through the motions as we are at the moment.  Professional to the end :-)  I think we will draw the line at going down with the ship - what's the point in that?


Still happy with the diet and now just want to bust down through the 15 stone weight and see if I can get below 15.  I'm managing to keep to the diet extremely well and over the next few days I've got a few more "testers" but I should be OK as I can choose what to eat tomorrow and just be circumspect about what I eat on Thursday - a 5 course banquet though so there are bound to be some dangers hidden in that :-)  Saturday is cheat day so I can enjoy myself and not worry.

A Very Quiet Day

It was a very strange day indeed as both girls are away.  It was very quiet and as it threw it down with rain intermittently we spent the day in the house.  Strange how the day went, I spent the day working on the computer and picking my way through ideas on things to do to turn a buck.  Have to say I also secured some twitter and blog accounts just in case I go down one of the routes.


The next thing to do is to start to formulate my ideas and see what I really want to do in the future.  There are a lot of things I'd like to do but of course, some are great ideas but hardly practicable and a few I think would take me 6 to 9 months to bring to fruition.  


So what I have now are a series of small business plans to do some high level tests on whether they might be worth doing.  It takes a little while to do each but at least this gives me a quick idea of whether or not it makes sense.

Damn photos

They don't lie do they?  Well maybe.  But just saw a few photos of myself and whilst you can see I've lost a fair bit I still look like a blimp and so that's spurred me on to the next phase.  2 Stone down and I wonder if I can get down a further 2 Stone?  


I'm back on the diet and still feel good.  Probably the best news is the dramatic drop off in blood pressure which is great.  I was already on a downwards trend but this diet seems to have to nailed it to around the 130 over 90 mark and below which should keep my doctor happy.  Once again, the loss of weight also appears to have settled that down and here's another interesting thing.  I noticed down the week that I'm not so breathless and wasn't so affected by being in a crowded place although I doubt that I am completely clear of that.  What it must be is that I'm not carting around all that weight and so breathing is easier and I just feel that much better.  


It is surprising how much better I feel and so continuing with the diet is a no brainer.  

Back on Track

Not too much damage done by the looks of it but I do struggle the day after cheat day to start back onto the diet.  Not, as you may suspect, through not wanting to at all but more so from the jolt that the cheat day gives the system I really don't fancy eating anything at all, I need to force myself to eat.  You really must eat within 1 hour of waking and it is pretty important to do that too as the weight loss works best when you do.  The very last thing I wanted to do was eat but I did force myself to do that.


Once that was done the rest of the day fell into place and I was able to sort that out.  It is a strange thing indeed but the cheat day really does mess my system up and the excesses of that day really do shock the system - I could feel it especially the hit from sugary things - it really make my body wonder what on earth has happened to it.


This week too is a challenge but I think I can stay on track pretty much but once again there are three meal out - one mercifully is on Saturday so I will enjoy that to its full.

Home Thoughts, from Abroad

Came and sprang into my mind:


Robert Browning

Home Thoughts, from Abroad

O, TO be in England
Now that April 's there,
And whoever wakes in England
Sees, some morning, unaware,
That the lowest boughs and the brushwood sheaf
Round the elm-tree bole are in tiny leaf,
While the chaffinch sings on the orchard bough
In England—now!

And after April, when May follows,
And the whitethroat builds, and all the swallows!
Hark, where my blossom'd pear-tree in the hedge
Leans to the field and scatters on the clover
Blossoms and dewdrops—at the bent spray's edge—
That 's the wise thrush; he sings each song twice over,
Lest you should think he never could recapture
The first fine careless rapture!
And though the fields look rough with hoary dew,
All will be gay when noontide wakes anew
The buttercups, the little children's dower
—Far brighter than this gaudy melon-flower!

And then this also remembered.  Happy days way back to school days and my teenage years:

I have no idea why that should be but there you go.  Both are rather nice I hope you'll agree.  

Nice Day Out

I think I did pretty well today not having a beer, sticking to my Red Wine but the meal itself was pre-loaded on the plate and so I succumbed to a few roast potatoes and as I was having cheese anyway I just took the hit.  I have a meal tomorrow and a party on Saturday and so I've decided to try to keep as much as possible to the diet tomorrow until the evening and just go for a cheat Friday to Saturday night.  Sunday I will start again on the diet although I still have challenges now for Wednesday and Thursday of next week I should be able to "manage" those better than this week.


My dad's getting a little worse each day at the moment and to add to his woes his eyes are getting bad and so he probably needs to get an electric razor as he finds concentrating wet shaving difficult.  I do feel for him because his mind is fine, it is just his body letting go that is hard to take and he gets very down because he cannot undertake even simple tasks without needing help.  He had a little collapse - more like a slumping to the ground - and he had to be helped up by mum.  It's not fair is it?  


Had a talk about Dementia today at our meeting very interesting stuff and interesting views on what the future holds.  Sometimes I wonder if it were better that the mind be turned off before having to contemplate your own mortality and your inevitable destiny.  I know that I had to do that early on but learnt quite soon that maybe, just maybe, I'd be able to survive given my age and whilst it was very serious, things could be done.  In my dad's case, there's not a lot more they can do and I still don't think he acknowledges that it might be useful to get some professionals involved so that they can prepare the way for him to come to terms with it.


As you know dear reader, I'm not that close to him to have the conversation myself, indeed I don't recall any conversation regarding feelings or emotions ever having entered out circle of interaction.  That may appear sad to you but that's the way it has always been and I know no different so in a way what's happening now could only happen this way.  I do talk to close friends far more about these things and to fellow sufferers perhaps even more so as it helps to explore some of the stuff that happens and to recount how we felt, how we reacted, how we get over things etc.

Day 4 of 6

Today, off to London again and another formal meal.  I've had a high protein breakfast and I'm contemplating going out in the rain to the station and up to London.  I've got almost an identical meal to last night except I've Smoked Salmon to Start but the main course and Cheese were choices from some time ago.


I don't aim to be there for too long before the meal itself and will come home straight afterwards.


At least I'm not out until Friday night thereafter!  What a week. 

Diet shot to pieces

Intentionally I realise that I cannot stick exactly to what I want to do as there is always some sort of compromise.  Today was one of them and I specifically worked on that basis.  I did have a high protein slow carb brunch but didn't eat until tonight and that at around 8:15 - the soup was lovely but must have contained some cream or milk and the roast beef was great as were the vegetables but a Yorkshire Pudding and Potatoes were there too and I had pre-ordered Cheese and Biscuits months ago.  


I have however stuck to red wine as my main drink throughout.  I will probably go for beer on Friday night and extend my cheat day through to Saturday.  In fact more like cheat week if I'm honest.  Next week I have two more events to go to but hopefully that is where it stops.

Exhausted

Was pretty exhausted this morning after getting in late and then just not feeling like I wanted to get up at all.  Finally pulled myself out of bed for Lunch (brunch) and had a high protein one but will wait until I eat again tonight at around 8 pm.


It was an interesting day yesterday and I was on my feet for quite a while.  The day went very well and I just gave up any idea of avoiding carbs although it was only very small and the sweet course was apple tart and I had that too.  Mind you having spent a lot on the dinner thought I'd better eat my due.  Was only drinking red wine but ended up catching the second to last train home that ran late and on a loop line through engineering works.  Got home about 1:30 in the morning but hey ho - it wasn't raining and we had a good evening with some Canadian ladies who were on holiday here.  What we forgot was that late license in London so it was around midnight we grabbed a taxi back to the station :-)


I was sat here a moment ago and took my Blood Pressure and was pleased to see that was low and I'm hoping that the odd of piste parts of my diet this week don't overly affect me too much.  The problem is that I have wall to wall meals from now until Saturday night and can only influence a few breakfasts myself - everything else is provided by someone else.  As long as I'm not stupid and go way off beam and make sure that things are done in moderation - I'm sure it will be OK although I may not lose any weight as such. 

I forgot to add

That is is also our Anniversary on Wednesday and I'm out.  I tend to have this problem every year as these meetings are all planned for the first week in May and sometimes it just falls like that.


At least I have bought a card which is already here!  


I've had to buy a new tie for tomorrow, my other one was captured as a trophy by some Scottish Masons during an "interesting" meeting some time ago.  As I'm "on parade" and working tomorrow I had better have one.  So another £15 spent.


Had some interesting conversation today about "the future" and what I want to do going forward.  It is interesting that people are still full of advice but a bit short on delivering the goods and that will be interesting when I meet them next week.  We will have a long and interesting discussion and maybe, just maybe I'll start to get some clarity on what I want to do.  It always seems to me that lots of people have good advice and ideas but I will be interested to see if I can do the Jerry Maguire - "Show me the money!" :-)  


I am beginning to form some key thoughts now around what I need to do in terms or what the outcomes probably need to be but there are some key questions which need answering and they aren't straight forward.  By that I mean that there may be some tough questions and there may be some divergence of ideologies :-)  The Bladder Cancer did some major shifting in my outlook and the last 6 years have all brought ideas and concepts, theories and practice, experimentation and results together to produce a different me.  I like that the lack of interest in what we are doing isn't a disappointment that requires a lot of mourning or navel gazing - the work we did, the attitude we have - the pragmatic approach means that it is what it is and it couldn't turn out much different given the time, circumstances and place (I sound a bit like Morpheus from the Matrix writing that!).  Damn I wish I'd taken the Blue Pill now!  :-)


But really what it comes down to is that I now have "an attitude" that reflects what I've learnt and what I've experienced, what I've read and how I've reacted to the disease.  My head is saying two things to me and the battle is between lifestyle and going back to how I was pre cancer - maybe a few years before then when I was at the peak of my powers and top of my game.  I'm probably strong enough physically and mentally to go back to that high powered, rather well paid but very demanding life.  Yet the other side of me is rebelling against it all, lifestyle, life, learning, low stress, doing what I want to do and enjoying that are the counterpoint.  Life just got interesting in another way and suddenly I have a relatively clean sheet of paper to work out what I want to do.


Or do I?


Lifestyle may actually mean giving up everything that went before and changing how things are and how they will be.  It may mean changing location and family and friends too will be impacted to greater and lesser extents.  Should you just go and do it for yourself and sod the consequences?  Many people do.  Do you stretch and strain friendships or do you rely on the strength of them to support the change.


It is going to be an interesting journey whatever happens.

A Week Full on

Often the beginning of May starts with a Bank Holiday (which we get next week).   So this week instead of 4 straight days of Masonic things going on I have 5.  That's right every day this week something is going on.  I'm out Monday night, all day Tuesday including evening, Wednesday afternoon and evening, all day Thursday and evening Friday too! 


Amazing!  But there you go - Mrs. F. is OK with that apparently!  We are also out Saturday night so I fully expect the diet to take a few wobbles along the way but I'm able to dance around the food stuff and can ask for more vegetables etc and refuse potatoes and so on.   I'm guessing there will be a few forbidden foods that may get past my guard but as long as I don't go mad I should be OK and it is difficult as there are 4 meals that are out of my control as to what is available.


Have to say that I'm pretty impressed with the diet so far.  Clothes wrap around me now and it is amusing to put on a shirt and have enough spare material to wrap over by a good 3 or 4 inches.  I'm quite pleased with the result and seeing the weight gone it encourages further participation in the diet and as Mrs. F. comments it is also cheap to feed me too.  We cook up the legumes and freeze sufficient for a day allowing me to pull a bag out a day and use them.  At 90p a bag we can get a full 7 days supply out of each which is pretty good economically if you think about it?  Eggs, Chicken and Spinach and Salad are also pretty inexpensive too so it all seems to work quite well on many fronts, economically, well-being and also health wise too.  My BP readings are nice and low and generally within the limits I set.  It would be nice to get them a few points lower but with more weight loss and a little more exercise, that should happen.  


So let's hope that I can keep with the programme and stick as near as possible this week to the diet - I know that will be difficult but I really don't want to end up back where I started which will be all the encouragement I need.

Yuk - Day After Cheat Day

Bad back yet again - what's wrong with me?  If it continues I may need to go and get this checked out - it is crazy the amount of back aches I get especially where they are really low down on my spine.  Let's hope it isn't anything serious.  Mind you the are increasing in frequency and this morning it was a real struggle getting up - in fact I just went back to sleep and tried got up late.


Then there was the next problem - by the time I'd gotten out of bed and had my morning medicine it was around 11a.m. and whilst I'm meant to eat within an hour of getting up it was a close run thing.  I just about managed some brunch around 11:45 and some cold water but it was all I could muster to actually eat it.  Sounds strange but I have so much and cheat day does tend to mean gorging out on all sorts of things you normally wouldn't have, even wanting to face food the next morning is difficult.


I just didn't feel hungry at all and I really had to force myself to eat.  This evening wasn't so bad but by then I was ready for a meal.  I'm still impressed at the weight loss so far and this week will be a tester and I know that I'm not going to dodge all the bullets coming my way - I will just have to take the best route through that I can.

One for Flocky

Mrs. F. & A went out earlier and I was left deciding what to do for the remainder of the day when Chris and Flocky called and suggested a beer at my local after they'd finished playing Golf.  As it is cheat day and BEER is ALLOWED :-) I jumped at the chance and had a great late lunchtime beer with the boys.  Was listening to this when I got home and thought - you know Flocky might like this? :-)

Nice guys - I really enjoyed getting out of the house saved me having to sit through DVDs all afternoon!

Decadence

Being totally decadent today :-)  Have had a proper slow carb breakfast and some ice cold water.  But now - coffee, with sweetener and milk plus a bag of Liquorice Allsorts!  That's for starters as Mrs. F. has gone to the Supermarket I have requested a doughnut (donut) and I'll be having some other forbidden foods today.  Not as many as last week but enough to shake down my system and make it wonder what on earth is going on.


Mrs. F. & A are out to a camp thing this afternoon - given the rain we've had I imagine it will be a mud bath for them.  I, on the other hand, will be happily indoors and will indulge in food madness for the rest of the day.


Next week is hectic - out every day next week and so I just need to be careful and maintain as far as possible my diet.  

Below 16

Stone that is - at last back into the right side of 16 stone, 15 stone 12 which is pretty much as it was a week ago but it has been this all week or thereabouts and so that is good.  It could be a less but the main thing is that in the 8 weeks or so since I seriously started to do take things seriously (after my previous blood pressure readings) I've lost around 2 stone which for me is pretty good.


I now need to bring some exercising disciplines back into the mix, I'm not doing any planned just when I remember or have time.  


I'm looking forward to cheat day tomorrow especially as I had a glut of chicken (not my favourite food) to consume - I finished that off last night and so can get onto something more interesting today.


All in all I'm actually feeling well overall.  Have twisted my back once again but that seems to be OK now.  That's twisting around repairing this computer and working on the other one at the same time (when will I ever learn?).


My business partner turned up yesterday and we had a chat about where we are and what comes next - it surprises me how calm and calculated we both are about it.  After all it is 2 years of our working lives that we've "given to the cause".  We still have a few cards to play out and perhaps something will happen from there but we are inclined to consider that wont happen.  


At the moment though I'm pleased that I'm still losing weight and feeling good.  I hope that I can lose a fair bit more and get down to a reasonable weight and then sustain it.  That will be the defining point, I reckon if you just continue the rules outlined you should be able to continue to lose weight to the point where it becomes routine and weight balances out.  I'm not there yet by any means - let's hope that I can be somewhere near there by the middle of the summer.  If I could lose another 2 or 3 stone I'd be impressed but think that anywhere near 14 stone would be good for me.

Tale of the monitor

Regular readers will know that I suffer acutely from "White Coat Syndrome" which sticks my blood pressure up a lot.  Today felt no different and I could feel my pulse racing but today I did a few things differently.  I had no coffee at all even when my business partner arrived unexpectedly and we went to Costa for a drink I had water.  The first blood pressure test was high but not overly so around 140 over 95 but the next two at 125 over 90 and 124 over 90 were by my standards remarkable.   I'm normally good for a lot higher than that.


We did chat a fair bit before doing the readings and I did my deep breathing exercise which also worked quite well as I could feel my pulse coming back into range.  Earlier in the day I checked my readings and got some as low as 107 over 80 which is excellent.  


The diet and losing 2 stone must have helped and the benefits are clear to see.  I didn't remember to have my Flax Seed and Flax Oil and Cottage Cheese earlier which annoyed me as that also helps I find.  Anyway, the good news is that I feel very well on this diet and whilst I occasionally get pangs of hunger I know that it is because I'm not eating quite enough at meal times.  I still only have three meals a day and the recommendation is four.  I shall try and work out how I can possibly do that.


Apparently my blood tests aren't due until June so a bit of a reprieve there then.  Whether or not I'll be able to string them out back to December will have to wait and see.

Here we are again

Back on the good old Sony PC.  It wasn't quite as painful as I was expecting - I suppose the good thing about having an image back up is that quite a bit of the work was already done and apart from having to update various software packages - it has taken just the morning to get me up and working to this level where I can actually write a blog, send emails, browse the internet etc.

The Synchronisation software immediately recognised the computer and that stuff was missing and is synchronising as I write - brilliant!

The blogger back up software needed reinstalling but the blogs were all backed into the cloud too.

I need to re do the gmail back up next - that should be fun :-)  It is nice to have the computer back and functioning though!  Phew.

Still churning away

My computer has been rebuilding for around 10 hours now and I hope by the morning it will be a little nearer completion.  


I continue to hope that things wont be too painful to get it restored back to the way it was but I foresee a long and painful journey ahead - I certainly hope I don't have to "talk" to Messrs Microsoft once more about re-loading the software I paid for back onto the same machine because of a hard drive failure - they fail to see that it is still the same PC and that I actually bought the software for that PC too.  I really don't need that sh1t again it ended with me getting pretty shitty to the operator who hung up on me:-)  I can have that affect on people.  Applying the logic bit and asking them to restate the terms and conditions and then keeping going back to the beginning about it being the same machine probably didn't help their state of mind.


What else?  Not much really - I need to go to the Doctors tomorrow and get my Blood Pressure checked.  That's if we don't get blown away or washed away with the storms we are having in between times.  I hope they abate for next week as I'm up to London a couple of days next week and out every day too!  Not looking forward to that but it happens every year at this time.


Will have to see how my dad is tomorrow - it didn't sound great this morning and I suppose we will have to see if he has "given up the will" which is what it sounded like this morning.

New Hard Drive

As I write the image from the back up drive is busy burning itself onto my new hard drive that arrived this morning.  A 10 minute swap around and a few false starts looks as if this will rebuild the PC probably back to where it started in the first place...  Let's hope that this gets me somewhere near where I need to be.  It will probably be a good two or three days to get back to the situation I was in 4 or 5 weeks ago.


Thanks goodness all the key stuff was backed up but unfortunately all my bookmarks and that sort of local stuff was (or would have been ) lost.  That can be a right pain trying to resolve but the main thing is to get the PC back and working.  Damn annoying that the hard drive only lasted 490 odd days!  That's a very short life really.  Anyway - let's hope it will be resolved soon.

The Wheels Are Falling Off

Not me, my dad.  Sounds like this morning he really isn't in a good place.  He's always suffered from - shall we call it - depression?  He gets stressed out by certain situations and whilst I've only seen it a few times, it is pretty freaky.  The worst I ever saw him was at my Uncle's (my mums brother) funeral just as we arrived for the service.  But he also goes very quiet and introverted too so you don't get much out of him.  Even we can't unlock that sometimes and it's not great but apparently today it is markedly bad.


That's not a great place to be and in my own experience, the dark stuff really is very dark indeed and it takes a lot to get yourself out of the trough you are in.  Lately dad has been having his medication adjusted and moved around so that I imagine has some bearing on this but also, of course, the disease is progressing, the tumour is no doubt getting larger and perhaps the staging has changed.  


The continuing loss of weight is an obvious factor that also depresses him and try as he might he cannot find the strength to do basic things for himself - for someone so independent you can see that this will play on his mind which remains unaffected by it all.

What to do?

It is getting to the point now where I've started to get into some detail about what to do next.  It is quite incredible that even after all the effort of the past 2 years I don't feel bad about it.  I am though wondering why I shouldn't use these skills to take on a more serious job but that's the trouble I haven't got the inclination to go and join the rat race again and feel that I'd probably not fit in too well.  I'd probably be able to go back to doing my jobbing project and program management work again as long as it isn't in London and I don't have to commute each day.  I don't think I'd mind being abroad for short periods either but again I'm weighing each of these options up.


It is quite a messy argument going on about whether it is better to take a local low paid job, sell up and go do something else or go back on to the hamster wheel....  My mind maps and spreadsheets grow as I wrestle with the options, the pros and the cons and the ups and the downs.  


It's a funny thing that half way through the day I suddenly remembered that I'd been ill and that I ought to place a risk into my thinking about what would happen if I got ill again.  That's pretty negative but I suppose I need to consider that especially as Bladder Cancer can come back and bite you when you least expect it so there's a new bit in my calculations that perhaps wonders whether stress and the bad habits you get into would add to that worry and increase the chances.  


You can't mitigate for every eventuality but you do need a Plan B and Plan C in case something like this occurs.  I see more of this sort of analysis going on in future...

Go AWAY cold

My cold is hanging around and the cough and blocked nose are still there but I don't feel ill.  Trying to shake it off is difficult though and annoying as I just want it gone.


I've spent the day doing catch up on some accounting stuff, doing my tax return and generally getting sorted out.  Not much of a tax return as I've been paid nothing this year :-) 


I've not heard back from the Hospital so hope that is good news and I've been taking my BP readings which are acceptable and so have to visit the nurse on Thursday - let's hope that my readings then are a little lower this time.


I've a visit from the auditors tomorrow to look at my accounts and I hope they find them in order - it will be useful as they can be presented on time for the first time in years.