Monday starts OK

The vacuum cleaner engineer arrived and undertook some major work replacing the motor and then some other components.  I purchased a new filter and so the total came to less than £10 for what looks and works like a new machine.  Thanks goodness for its 5 year guarantee. 

A chat with my business partner today also cheered me up a bit but of course he and I both suffer from people not getting back to us.  I am due 3 phone calls and he is due 2 and we've heard absolutely nothing.  Typical and the issue is that these calls actually influence what actions you are going to take next.

I'm in a reasonable sense of humour today certainly not as bad as I have been for a while but then I've done a number of chores and the vacuum cleaner is fixed, the Christmas food is now ordered and confirmed so we will at least be able to eat Christmas Day :-)

I am beginning to bring together my plans for a business way forward but not personal moving on at the moment - it's too difficult to think about and perhaps another week or two will bring the thoughts together.

Bad night better day

Have to say that I was pretty low last night when I got home, I really hate the silent treatment, apparently it was late and I'd have got a taxi back as it is no big deal.  Oh well.  Today was a little bit better but still it wasn't the greatest of days as the vacuum cleaner decided it wasn't going to work, some stuff on the Internet that I needed to do wouldn't work either and so I need to stay in for the engineer tomorrow and retry the order tomorrow too.

I spent some time planning and decided that I ought to at least look over my old notes and start to review the possibilities of working from home on a number of small projects that I have been considering.  Nothing major but some ideas that would keep the wolf from the door perhaps.

First though I need to make certain that things get sorted tomorrow and then move a small step at a time forward.  The day got better which was great but I must avoid these triggers that drop me into being down and depressed.  The trouble is, it isn't anything major it can be something very trivial and that catches me off guard and suddenly I'm really down and of course I can equally be up in no time too.

Nice Day

Shame I had to come home really.  Sounds bad?  Well that's how I feel at the moment.  I enjoyed some really good company and a lot of people seem to enjoy my company which is great.  Shame it had to end and that I'm now home and suddenly it's like a crushing weight.

Perhaps I should have stayed out and got a taxi back.  I think that next time I will do this.

Lodge later today

I have something to focus on to this afternoon.  It was a pretty appalling evening and L went back to Uni and A was late back from London and I may as well have not been there.

Oh well a meeting later this afternoon will cheer me up and I've got all my preparation done for that.  As Treasurer I have to collect and disburse the money so it can be quite entertaining for a while hoping I get enough money in to be able to pay out later :-)

I managed to do the bulk of my Christmas shopping online yesterday and now I just need to keep an eye open for the impulse purchases I normally make leading up to the day.

What an awful night

I'm absolutely knackered - I've hardly slept at all and my mind hasn't particularly been working on too much or been overactive.  I suppose if anything may have caused it, it was the realisation that not a lot is going to happen on the job front so I need to now revert to plan B perhaps in a few weeks time when I get back from Scotland.  That's if I get there with the flight now having changed twice!  

I think that week will be a bit of an interesting one for me as I'll be centre of attention for some of it and that will be nice.  I'll have some time to unwind a bit too.  It will be near enough Christmas to allow me to set a series of targets leading up to that and then go for it in 2013.  Of course not everything may be sorted out by then so there is that to consider as well.

Anyway, I'm up and about this morning, sorting out the back ups and sorting out my head too :-)

Missed a Birthday

26th October 2006 - first entry in this blog. 

Happy sixth birthday!  A lot has happened in 6 years.... :-)

Once again yuk!

Yes once again I feel like cr@p again.  Almost tearful tonight but that was probably because I was just a little annoyed with things (software wanting to reboot my PC when it was backing up and just doing it).  I kind of knew it was going to be difficult again tonight as L was coming home, A was going to be late and Mrs. F. kept losing various things around the house, mobile phone, keys, pens, receipts and then proceeded to clatter around just as I was listening to about episode 6 of 8 where the plot line was being explained.  A bit of catch up TV will be needed so I can at least understand what went on at the end.

There's the realisation that none of the three job prospects have gotten back to me and in some ways I'm relieved and in others disappointed but that's where I am with it and so I need to push on past that now and decide what to do next.

I'm having great difficulty expressing exactly what is wrong and what I need to happen and like many of these decisions I feel that I don't want to make them or say anything that would lead to a major falling out or lead to something worse and yet somehow I fear that is what might happen.  

Tomorrow I will see what I can do to move myself on a bit because now I can set a date in the calendar that will mean I have to make a decision and I will have to move things on as I cannot continue to procrastinate for much longer.

My backup system is in and despite other conflicting software trying to sabotage my initial back ups it appears to work just fine.  The only problem I foresee is that it is a little bit noisy sat as it is on top of my sub woofer by the TV and so I may have to work out someway of damping the sound of the fan.  Other than that it does seem to do the job very nicely indeed.   

Backup System Installed

Despite the doom and gloom mongers in the internet reviewing world, my Drobo-FS arrived this morning and within 5 minutes it was up and running.  Even a dolt like me can make it work and so I guess these reviewers must of had bad luck, were working for the opposition or were really thick. Mind you mine must have been delivered by an ex-SAS man as I didn't hear the doorbell and there was a card stuck through the door - I hate those but luckily it was left with my next door neighbour...

So now I have all the PCs backing up to the new RAID system and I am moving all my other date there too so that I will now have 3 or 4 instances of all data and some key files are double backed into the cloud too so that I can access those anywhere. With 2 x 3TB drives in play to start with I hope that I will have solved the loss of data issues at last.

I had a good afternoon and evening yesterday and it was great to see one of my friends who became the Master of his London Livery Company.  My goodness he has the most packed schedule this coming year.  It is the Lord Mayor's Show on Saturday and he will be there and has already had a series of functions to attend to.  What a wonderful thing that must be.  It is fascinating seeing the Livery Companies and their role in London (City) life.

The meeting was tinged with a little sadness too as we said goodbye to a very popular member who died in September.  I bumped into his son a few weeks ago and passed the time remembering the dads.  I like that my school friends and I who meet every month have a little toast to the dads when we meet, all 4 of us no longer have our dads with us.

I'm calling my mum everyday still but perhaps I will slowly get that to 2 or 3 times a week.  She is getting out and about a fair bit now and has applied for her bus pass which will be great as it will give her some mobility and freedom to go into town.

This morning has been a bit of a mixed bag.  Once the kit arrived I was happy enough but before that I was a bit flat again.  I'd had another series of quite vivid dreams and strangely enough the ones I remembered were exhausting mentally with so much going on and with surprisingly complex plots and sub plots.  I wish I could record them, some would make excellent books :-)  This one made some sense and then lost itself in some amazingly complex relationships.  I felt quite worn out when I finally snapped out of the dream.  

I have to say though I was quite bad for a short while and very depressed and then quite quickly I was past all of that and back on with the day.  Strange stuff indeed.  

I'm getting used to this bumping along the bottom and to the strange thoughts that pervade my waking day sometimes.  The dream had once more involved cancer and death and today I was drawn back into thinking that my demeanour might be something more.  That's how strange things are, I recollect my dad saying he hadn't been right for some time but couldn't put his finger on it and in a way that's how I am at the moment.  I haven't been right for some time but I'm pretty certain that it is all "in your head" not in my body.  At least I'm not getting any worse and I'm not in the really dark places when I do get depressed.  It's manageable shall we say.  

No news is good news

I guess that is the case especially when I had my scans etc.  Of course when you want to hear something or get a phone call (a watched phone never rings) nothing seems to happen.  So it's been weeks now since the opportunity at Wimbledon and absolutely nothing has happened.  Then there's the big job up in London and yes, you've guessed it, not a squeak either.  I think there was one other but I'm quite good at just dropping stuff out of my head if I think it doesn't have legs.

This does nothing to add to my current low feelings (shall we call them).  It isn't a surprise in reality that you don't get responses these days, there are too many applicants for the posts available and people no longer follow the social norms or writing to you etc.  I've had people ask me for a job and I've always had the decency to get back to them as normally I can't employ anyone due to the nature of my business but at least I have read their CV and can make suggestions on where they can look or what they might want to do to their CV to improve it etc.  It is after all common courtesy and decency to do so, I treat people how I would like to be treated generally although as you probably know if you are about to try and sell me something I don't want, have phoned me and are wasting my time or are some other waste of Oxygen, you will be told in a more colourful way what I think of you :-)

So back to not hearing anything.  It will be what it will be, I know that.  I find it somewhat amusing that like many of these things I still, after all these years, get excited by the prospect of possibly getting a gig and then finding out that there isn't even a follow up at all :-)  It shouldn't affect me anymore, I've been there, got the Tee Shirt, the DVD, Blue Ray, book and everything!  However it has to affect you because it re enforces the conclusions I've already arrived at and that is that I probably would only be doing those jobs for the wrong reasons.  The money mainly followed by the status of the jobs too (they build you up as you call the shots and run the projects etc).  Yet as I saw last week, I hate the commute now and whilst I find people fascinating, I certainly found the commute to be stressful and full of unhealthy and unfriendly people.  There's nothing remotely civilised about being transported to and from work in cattle trucks and perhaps I just need now to nail that into my decision making process.  I do sometimes look at the salaries and the conditions and expect one to offset the other but I am erring more towards living than having all the trappings.

The more I don't hear back, the more I'm leaning towards doing my own thing.  The trouble with that is that it is a home based business and I think that has some dangers considering I've been working at home for a number of years now.

Nice Walk

I'm lucky as I live very close to the countryside and the sun was shining nicely and we, Mrs. F., A and I went for a long walk through the woods checking for damage to the Ash trees from this new horrible disease that may wipe them out.  We certainly had a nice walk and then came through the football field through the oldest part of the village and to the local pub where we had a drink and some food.  So that was nice.

I was OK with that and enjoyed the walk and the fresh air but you know what?  I still have no idea on what I want to do.  I couldn't tell you other than the extremes of my thinking.  The extremes are indeed extreme, this involves me taking off and leaving everything behind and just going somewhere and living a simple existence, reading, writing and perhaps doing some sort of research work, painting and sketching, being some sort of artisan, sculpture or something constructive.  Don't ask me why that would be, I have no idea but that's what is screaming out from me at the moment.  I want to live in a small cottage and be involved in a local community and make a small difference but more than anything else I want to be away from this life I live now. 

So that's the extreme of my thinking but it is strangely a place in my dreams and my imagination that I'm comfortable with.  I fancy this being in the countryside or by the sea and I envisage that I would have some sort of comfy room surrounded by my books and there would be a desk and roaring fire.  Happy enough with my own company most of the time, there would be a local country pub and happy locals to spend the odd social evening with.

It appears to me that this is some sort of message and reaction to current situation, perhaps fight or flee reaction.  I note that there is no room for anyone else in these visions and plans at all.  It is all about me running away and rebuilding some sort of idyllic life for myself and just spend the time really enjoying what I like.  I find myself trying to work during the day at the moment and maybe I should be spending some more time out and about, perhaps reading or learning to play the piano better than I can now and all the other things I ought to be doing.

I have Lodge meetings later (today now) and that will take away some time for thinking and considering what to do for today.  From next week onwards, crazy November takes over as I have meetings almost one after the other for 2 weeks.  I just hope I can keep track of it all.

Mid Way

And now I'm midway between a high and a low and it is one of those things I guess.  The Sun is out and so that cheers the mood.  A chat with Flocky Bicep and spoke about what we need to be doing in the next few weeks has given me some things to look at too.

I can't say that I'm particularly in a happy place because I'm not.  I am trying to be very careful that my moods do not affect any judgement calls I make.  By that I'm overly concerned that I'll do something silly or impulsive which I am prone to do when I'm out of my normal happy INTJ area of comfort which just happens to be now :-)

INTJ types aren't great at situations with people and because often these don't make sense they often don't understand what is going on - well that's me exactly.  Past experience tends to make decisions even narrower and fall short so that I don't go over the line (wherever that may be).  So I'm very cautious in this area - perhaps too cautious.  I don't read the signs at all well.  The other downside is that I can go off the rails and overdo things but this mainly tends to be drinking too much.  However the upside is that I just go to bed and sleep it off and realise why I stayed for "just one more".  I then tend not to do that again for quite a while :-)  Gone are the days of drinking and smoking all night although I occasionally will do a late night I certainly don't drink right through.

So having said all of that I'm not quite in that level nor do I intend to get there either.  I am overly cautious though as I dislike upsetting people - and I've done that whether I knew it or not over the past 7 years.  What it feels like is that everything I've built will come crashing down around me if I really say what I think but I just don't know - perhaps I'm overreacting or not reading things right (likely) and that's the problem.  

I suppose, to try and get this into some sense for anyone who isn't me, I could try and sum it up like this.  I consider the thrust of my problems to be 60% of my own making and 40% of my current home life.  Only I probably know that breakdown.  Of the 60% some of that is known and understood and it has taken me 6 years to try and get some level of understanding around that.  the 40% is hinted at but I fear that bringing that up will leave me without anything.  I mean no home, no marriage and so on.  I fear that because I don't know how broaching the subject other than being hurtfully honest (brutally honest) is possible I can think of no subtle way of saying that I no longer enjoy living here and that some of my problems can only be down to that.  I could lose everything and burn my bridges and yet is that really my problem?  

I'm not saying it very well here but I find part of the problem is to do with the changed me and that because of that I will affect those nearest to me even more than I affected them in the past 7 years.  I now see that I wasn't great to live with before Cancer - maybe for some years leading up to being ill.  I don't suppose that matters to them - it matters to me.  I sometimes feel a bit like a ghost here anyway as rightly or wrongly they just all get on and do stuff around me and don't involve me.  Then again, I'm not the sort to want to join in and go shopping and that sort of thing either.  I don't fit here anymore and that's a survivor problem.  In some ways I'm here because I didn't die. 

Life's a bit of a tangle at the moment.  I've made myself go and do things later this month (and earlier this year) to force me to start living again.  Making myself go out and interact, meet people and so on.  It's a big move for me to start to get doing things again to start to get out of the house.  I suppose seeing my dad's predicament also spurred me on too.  However, I want to do a lot more and I feel my current environment isn't set up to do that. 

Oh well it is difficult to set it down on paper / blog and that sort of shows how complicated it is.  It isn't a single thing, it isn't something that can be resolved easily either.  We are looking at the mind of a cancer survivor who has a wish to use the remaining time to do something (sorry that's about the best I can come up with) and finds that in his household only he thinks like that and whilst everyone is being very accommodating about it they are drifting away from him at the same time.  No one has any of the same interests anymore, we all do different things now and the unit where we all did things together shattered sometime ago and more so when I got Cancer (I really wasn't up to going out and doing stuff they wanted at that time).  Habit and circumstance means that we have very few common interests left.

Anyway - enough written as it is going around in circles.

Helter Skelter

You may recollect the Beatles Lyrics:

"When I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide

Where I stop and I turn and I go for a ride

Till I get to the bottom and I see you again.

Do, don't you want me to love you

I'm coming down fast but I'm miles above you

Tell me, tell me, tell me, come on tell me the answer

You may be a lover but you ain't no dancer.

Helter skelter, helter skelter

Helter skelter."

Life is definitely back at the bottom today and yet it was all quite good last night and then morning came and the same old same old as I woke quite alone on a Sunday, very late (and I've been sleeping late - another sign of good old Mr. D. returning for me).  What I hate about this is that it's like that most days, I get up on my own, cook for myself (which I do most of the time), and then I appear to exist in another dimension whilst things happen around the house around me without appearing to coincide with where I am and without us crossing tracks at all sometimes.

The thing about my depressions is that they aren't long lived but they are a little too frequent for my liking and they are without real rhyme or reason and they can go in an instant, so good am I at acting my way out of them and being cheerful and with it.  Yet even now I realise that I must be difficult to live with as I'm in my quiet reflective mood - I'm not moochy or nasty, angry or disagreeable, I'm just awful quiet and withdrawn and deep in thought most of the time.  

Mrs. F. suggested we do something on Tuesday when she is off work but I have no idea what that might be.  I also have no idea if on Tuesday that I will enjoy doing whatever it is we may want to do anyway, my mood will determine that I suppose.

For weeks now I have been having the most vivid dreams and episodes that circulate around relationships and places of work and that sort of thing.  I've heard very little back from anything and whilst I realise that is the way things often happen, it adds to the tension but also, strangely enough it adds to the paradox.  The paradox being that I'd probably like the job but hate the travelling and yet the job would provide position, money and power and that would overshadow the travel yet as I found last week I hate travelling on the crowded train services.  

I prolong my own deliberations because whilst these jobs would be amazing and give me many things they wouldn't ultimately answer the questions or solve the problems that I have.  This is the bottom line of it.  It doesn't actually matter what the job is because it is nothing to do with that - other than anything I do must support my ultimate objectives to live the remainder of my life doing what I want to do (I know I don't know that either).  The fact is that none of the jobs would improve things as they stand, they might accelerate the change or make it possible for me to change, they might even put off the process of change as well and just let the problem fester?  

I don't foresee an easy way out on all of this because it is so complicated and yet one of the dreams made it all so easy.  There was I away from here, no real complications in life, a small cottage, a local pub, fabulous walking countryside and someone to share it with who just enjoyed doing the same things and the late summer sun played across the garden and glasses of wine sparkled on the patio table whilst insects and birds darted through the shafts of light caused by the branches of the trees.  That's the dream of course and it doesn't always come true.

The difficulty must be that anyone who knows me must think I've got it all made here.  Two kids who are normal, well educated, one earning, a nice house in the village, a steady life and a nice area to live in etc.  Perhaps it is me and my dark reflections that is the only one who doesn't like it.  Oh well, bed time now and I'll see how I feel in the morning.

You'll Be Surprised Just What You Can Do

Chatting to someone who wanted to know a bit more about my Bladder Cancer and I walked through some of the things I'd had done to me.  At this time, especially if you are male, you start to squirm when the operations and the treatment regime are described.  "You were brave" he said.  "Not at all" I replied.  You see you just need to make a decision about whether you want to live and then you have to trust your team and all the pioneers who have gone before, your fellow sufferers who have also done this - it isn't as if it is new science albeit that things have moved on even in the last 7 years.

Looking back I surprised myself quite what I was able to achieve and what I went through and I should take some comfort that I stood up and did these things (well stood up may be an oxymoron) but nevertheless I faced my demons, I had these things done to me, even recently, and I am here.  

I wonder then why I'm not standing up to my personal demons now and why I'm not being proactive and determined as I was then?  Well I suppose I had no choice in terms of treatment, it was a life or death decision (cue trainspotting narrative) and of course this personal turmoil actually has choices, choices of outcomes, compromises, emotional pain, sadness, joy and all sorts all mixed up together it is far less black and white (am I allowed to say that in the EU?).  It is a route with variable courses of action open to me and that's the thing.  If you choose one way will you also regret it or find it some sort of half hearted compromise?  I don't actually know (of course) who would?

There are no parallels here, if I make a decision I can change it, I can modify it, I can do many things even back track but when it came to Bladder Cancer there was only a binary decision at the beginning, I think it was live or die.  There were only a couple of possible  ways it could progress and there were other outcomes - keep or lose you bladder (my friend just lost his).   There were other minor course changes and choices that may have been there but they weren't my call, the were my Consultant who, whilst discussing these with me, I felt had the ultimate say, I just had to big up and have them done.

So I look back and suggest that you will be surprised what you can do when presented with a life changing problem.  In some ways, some of the decision making is taken away from you but you can do things to help yourself and life style and diet are part of that.

Where you don't have that guidance and the stakes aren't quite as high then you may have problems.  Me, I'd like to pack up and run away right now, go somewhere in the country, near the sea and scrape a living just so I could enjoy the area, walking and so on.  I really don't like being where I am right now.  Nothing against the people as such apart from they've not had these experiences and they don't look at things the way I do.  My mind was re-wired by cancer and my sights set elsewhere.  My value system is completely different as is my moral and spiritual conscience.  

I hate people trying to change me or trying to sell me something I don't want and I don't want to sell my ideas like that onto others - I don't think it is fair on them and certainly looks like being an extremely selfish act on my own part.  This sounds a bit rambling but what I mean is that out of the household I'm the only one who is not the same person I was 7 years ago.  I no longer recognise the me of 8 or 9 years ago at all.  I find myself to be diametrically different and there is the problem.   I'm no longer at ease with what I have, where I live, who I live with, the things I/We do etc.  My friends are still my friends but dynamics have changed there too, Only I see my friends these days regularly.  We don't do much together anymore and that allows me to go and do my things (Monza, Scotland later this month etc) and once that starts to happen more regularly then the cracks will open further.

Trying to tackle this is difficult and very slow and steady.  No idea whether it will succeed though.  But unlike when I was ill and I could face these things head on, this needs kid gloves and psychology and political management - it's like treading on egg shells all the time.  Progress is slow - perhaps too slow but lets' see where we go from here.

Enjoyable Day

I took myself off to the local Masonic Centre and went to see a lecture and also I went to buy a copy (well 4) of the lecturer's book, Sacred Secrets.  Unfortunately getting it from the author meant I paid face value but I did get each one dedicated to the recipient and signed.  I have brought them home, handed one to Mrs. F. and asked her to wrap it up and give it to me for Christmas.  At least I will have one present that I actually want :-)

It was so nice just to turn up, do nothing and listen to a really interesting talk that had been well researched and that was entertaining and educational.  It really is a fascinating subject.

I appear to have a bit of a cough and a slight sore throat again - I hope it isn't from the journey on Thursday but it could well be as it was like travelling through the Plague or Black Death on the trains.  How on earth I did that sort of journey every day for all those years I have no idea.  A chat today with my business partner looks to be interesting as he has a potential project on the go but we have poked holes through it already and so we may decline before we get to price it. I'm thinking that I'll give the present set of opportunities a further 2 or 3 weeks and then if they don't come up with the goods I will go back to working on my own business opportunity.  I've partly stopped that although I'm still noting down things as I go.

All in all I am feeling a lot better at the end of the week than I did at the beginning so that's a good thing.

London - A good day out

However I did find the journey in and back a strain and one of the pubs made me feel quite ill as it was just so crowded and airless - I had to go stand outside!  That said it was a good day and nice to get out and about again.  

I'm off to a meeting this afternoon in a short while to meet a chap who is delivering a lecture and has written a book.  I'm getting the book for some people for Christmas and getting myself one that I can give to Mrs. F. to wrap up for me too! :-)  

A strange afternoon just had a storm come over, hail, double rainbow lots of rain following, had to put the lights on it was so dark and now we have blue sky and sunshine!  

I wonder if I'll ever get used to commuting again?  Have to say I wasn't best pleased with the people on the train yesterday, all the windows closed, like a sauna, coughing and spluttering.   It was so bad I half expected Florence Nightingale to walk through the carriage administering aid to the sickly bunch.  I just hope I haven't caught anything from them.

Not a lot more to report today, I'm in a good mood this afternoon and will enjoy this meeting but not be dining so will have a beer afterwards and then head on home.

Good grief my desk IS made of wood

There you go a little discipline and I can make a start on clearing things up and organising my desk which appears to be wooden :-)  It didn't take too long, I just needed to ask myself did I actually need the bits of paper - if so they were filed - if not they were shredded or thrown out as required.  At least it gives me a little free space to work with now.  

I'm checking with Mrs. F. to make sure we can pay for the backup solution I'm favouring at the moment for the home computers.  I priced up off site (cloud) storage and was horrified at the cost.  We have a lot of photos (with A being a photographer) and I have a fair amount of scans and photos that need to be protected.  I've made sure all my most precious stuff is backed and indeed synchronised but I've not backed up my music or many other files - well I had but to a drive that went AWOL even though it was repaired I'm still now very nervous about it.  My solution will be a NAS (Network Attached Storage) device which will allow both the Windows and MAC machines to back up to it.  The difference being that this beast is RAID enabled and will have a backup of the backup type arrangement.  I'm going to populate it with a pair of 3TB drives to start with and I might add the 1TB drive I already have.  I can add more drives when required which is great.  It will allow me to set up the family's PCs and MACs to be routinely backed up and to place their files there independently too.  It's a bit on the expensive side but when I think of the time I've put into getting my music stored electronically and perhaps I'll put films there too in future and all my family history stuff - it will pay for itself pretty quickly.

So a little organising should pay dividends in case of future failure of drives.

I'm going to be out and about tomorrow - catching an early train and meeting a friend who will be getting a new Masonic rank at Great Queen Street in London.  To celebrate we are going to Simpsons in the Strand for breakfast (nice) here is the menu and we are dining afterwards at the Grand Connaught Rooms.  This is guaranteed to blow the diet out of the water but it is only one day :-)

I should have been at my Lunchtimers event so I will have to go afterwards and see if there are any stragglers and have a beer with them.  I'm looking forward to an interesting day out.

I hate Halloween

It's a pagan festival that we appear to have inherited from our cousins across the pond and this trick or treat nonsense - or as I like to call it begging just appears to have taken over from the penny for the Guy (Guy Fawkes) which is of course the 5th November.  I don't see much fun in the event at all especially the idiots who just go and a use the cover of dark to wreak mischief everywhere.  I don't find eggs thrown at the house particularly amusing.  

Maybe I'm just a bit crotchety when it comes to this stuff but I don't like the idea of people almost being driven from their homes as they feel obliged to join in.  If you want to join in, stick a lantern in your window - great.  However, I don't particularly like the idea of people turning up on my doorstep demanding treats or they'll do something if you don't.  Isn't that called blackmail?  Or worse extortion and racketeering? 

So having now got that off my chest, let's get on to more important things of the day.  Tidying my desk might be the first :-) 

The Rut You're In

Is the deepest one to get out of supposedly.  I kind of agree with this and I've had one hell of a 6 year ride so far and it's still not all coming together and it still doesn't mean anything to me.  

I wonder if in fact it ever will resolve itself and I will become content with my lot?  I think that is it in some way.  I'm not entirely comfortable with who I am now, what survival means, what life now looks like and what the future holds.  It all sounds "mid life crisis" and I'd suggest that there is some of that there too.  

I have so much less in common nowadays than I used to and many of the things that interest me just don't cut it with Mrs. F. at all.  I can understand that entirely.  My interests haven't actually changed that much if at all (I don't think) but the situation we are in now is different.  Going out, getting a house, building that one up, repairing, second hand stuff, living off the garden produce, struggling to make ends meet and all that was great stuff, common interest and as you get older, make more money and move things change.  Then there were children and 22 years almost 23 now of that was also about doing you best for them all the time.

In reality things weren't great 7 years ago but I was pretty much bringing home the bacon (as they say) but I was ill, no doubt about that using good old hindsight.  But I was working away from home if I could and spent a lot of time working and that meant long hours and whilst that was OK at that time it isn't going to work now.  Not that I mind working long hours and being out and about but actually it isn't answering the question and is just prolonging the problem.

So what's the answer?  I'm buggered if I know even after all this time.  I'm just wondering still what to do about it and what strategies I can employ to resolve it.  In other news I've not heard back from 3 opportunities now and of course that is annoying but not unexpected.  I am planning to set myself a deadline.  If I don't hear back in a week or so (time to be set) I will invoke plan B.  Plan B being to then have a serious discussion about what I can do on my own and I'm holding off on my original plans only because of these potentials that have come about. It is just one of those things I suppose.

Stress maybe?

Do you think that we are all victims of convention?  I mean do we pressurise and stress ourselves out because we should be performing to majority held belief systems about work, life and everything?  You should have a job, you should provide for the house, you should do this or that in one way or another and all the stereotypical stuff.  

I wonder if there is some pressure from this status quo view of life.  I am know this territory of looking for jobs, people not phoning you back, jobs that don't exist and so on and it is making the roller coaster run all day long.  I was flat this morning and then went for a short walk in the sun and I was up again, had my haircut and felt fine and then this afternoon the trap door opened and I'm just back to being flat and disillusioned.  Whatever this week brings it will I think allow me to draw some sort of line under proceedings.  Another potential opportunity has arisen which I should know about later in the week.  Of course that too could be like the others and cul de sac too.

November is a crazy month for me and I'm out a lot.  I've forced myself to go to these things to get out of the house - I need to do that as I can quickly become a recluse.  These won't do much for my job prospects (albeit I'll meet a lot of influential people).  But I just need to tune my head to a spot of delayed enjoyment and get my head in the right place.

If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you're not alone. And yet you are alone. So very alone

This comes from a fun site Despair Inc. There are some funny one liners and quotes on there.

I often use humour to defuse my slips back into depression and this and a number of other sites have some great quotes on them :-)

Things often seem bad and yet they aren't of course.  Poking some fun at myself seems to help me to break out of the cycle so that's useful to know.  I'm very self effacing and so it doesn't hurt me to take the mickey out of myself and try to snap myself around.

Having said that - I'm beginning to look forward to going to Scotland later this month.  We (my friend C and I) did a comedy sketch last time I was there and they want us to reprise the role.  So to add more impact I've bought some props to liven the thing up.  Hopefully they will enjoy our impressions and comedy sketch.  As it was about Nelson being alive today a variety of props including an inflatable Parrot have been purchased - I know it's pirate stuff but hell anything will do to liven the act up.  I've also got a new act to add to it so hopefully we can do our new act and do Nelson as an encore.

I'm going to be really busy in the next month and that's encouraging although I will be flat out in terms of travelling and visiting Scotland will be after 2 days of other visits so I will absolutely wiped out by the time I get home.

Sun shining

Well it is Monday and the sun is shining and I'm slightly lifted this morning and feel a little better. I suppose if you are reading this and don't have, let's call it depressions shall we, the highs and lows of the condition.  I have no doubt that my dad dying has something to do with this as does post cancer issues and also this phase of losing the children, they are grown up and do their own things leaving Mrs. F. and I to try and rebuild 22 years of missing time.

Add to that, I don't quite know what I want to do next in terms of making a buck and you have a pot full of uncertainty that occasionally gets stirred with a blender or just a wooden spoon.  Everything is mixed up and depending on how you view all the facts, facets and data can influence the way you think about them  They are all interdependent but if you consider one as more important than another your solution is skewed.  That's why it isn't like business.  There you'd be dealing in logical 1s and 0s and uncertainty isn't a big element because there is usually some driving force not several.

Looking for a holistic answer is of course the ideal, something that satisfies every eventuality and even Einstein wouldn't be able to craft an equation for this as there remains uncertainties like emotional responses and the history of the relationship and many other things like that.  Dealing with uncertainty is one thing and in business it is pretty much accepted and people like me come in and sort that out for companies :-)  Of course the thing here is that having to deal with it in terms of your personal life is a lot different to a multi million $/£ corporation.  There's stuff in the mix here that is difficult to analyse or apportion the correct weighting to to make some objective decisions and what it may come down to is "how you feel".  That for me is the danger as if I'm not thinking straight (which I'm not I think) then how can you make decisions on gut feel when that may be telling you all the wrong things?   Over analysing this maybe but if I'm to make a big decision, do I let serendipity take over or do I base it on some solid foundations?  

Knowing what is going on is important but of course tackling it is difficult.  I can't even begin to tell you how low I get when I'm low and what I feel like and how completely lethargic and tired I am when I'm down.  Last night I was pretty flat.  Today I'm not bad middle of the range I'd guess.  This isn't the Dark Dog of 5 years ago which was more about death and mortality and the terrible stuff that was done to make me well.  That again sounds strange but what I meant by that is that you are diagnosed and the shock of that is massive, then very quickly operated on and the impact is major (on me) and I wasn't allowed to drive for a month and just had to sit still. Not long afterwards I had another operation of equal magnitude and then had treatment with BCG which was, shall we say, not for sissies, it was heavy and in all that time I was holding down a job or trying to.  Black Dog was a mocking, nightmare inducing thing and what I have now is nowhere near that sort of thing - thank goodness.

So whilst the sun is shining and things are relatively OK I'm still nowhere nearer sorting this out. My heart is telling me things to do and yet I'm not absolutely convinced that they are right although my "spider sense" and "gut feelings" do normally prove to be correct I just don't trust myself fully to make the right decision, for the right reason.  

The Ups and Downs of Life

Did I say that my neighbour had died?  Her husband died as I was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer and we didn't really say much to her about my recent diagnosis, she found out later on.  We've known her all the time we have lived here and it was actually quite sudden although she was getting a little worse and had visits by the local nurse.  It must have been a few weeks back when the emergency vehicles were outside.  She was a lovely lady and had a wonderful garden.  I was talking to her son-in-law only a few weeks back and whilst we were keeping our eyes open for her, there wasn't any talk of major illness.  Such a shame, a lovely lady.

Her funeral is this Thursday and I can't go I am in London.

Today was a bit flat, I suppose yesterday was a bit of a high but even so I felt quite bad and what with the clocks going back and the dark evenings it really does add to my oscillating in and out of good humour.

It's particularly bad at the moment though and I think it is because I still don't explain fully what is going on.  Sure Mrs. F. is sympathetic but actually there isn't a great deal she can do about it.  I'm just working on what I want to do still.  I met someone on Saturday who may also have a lead for me, working in deepest darkest Kent but that's OK it is better than plodding in to London day to day.

I just hope that I can snap myself out of this pretty soon as I want to move on and I know I'm not doing so. 

Mmm Friday and Saturday

Friday was interesting I ended up bumping into an old friend and was horrified at how quickly he had slid into what I'd guess is early onset of dementia.  His memory is really bad mainly names of places and what he had done in hospital and all sorts of things like that.  It really is sad and I just hope that his daughters are doing something about it because it was quite worrying. He went off home and I was talking to some locals who were telling me all about it - I contacted my friend in the Lodge but there isn't much we can actually do to help really, it's just such a shame.

I ended up having a few drinks with the locals and my next door neighbour which meant I was completely tuckered out and so sleepy that I couldn't go out to the tribute evening that night that I'd invited people to go to!!!! Doh

Saturday went well and it was my first full meeting as Master of the Lodge, had many big wigs there too and it was just a great day out.  Very enjoyable.

Blat out for the count

Gosh, twice today (and yesterday) I've just fallen asleep at the drop of a hat and dozed away at my desk and in my chair.  It's been most strange and a sling back to the old days.  I think it has to be the medication and trying to get rid of this cold.

I could do without it as tomorrow I'm expecting a call and I'm out at a meeting and really don't want to sound like I've gargled with sand paper or be coughing but I certainly don't want to sound a bit sleepy and dopey either.  Mind you it is now gone 1 in the morning and I'm wide awake!  Doh.

I've had a better day today as I think that the possibility of working again - or perhaps the fact that I've got to open a dialogue with a potential employer - is just lifting my spirits as is getting over this cold.  

I should be at a big meeting in London tomorrow but that isn't going to happen unfortunately.  That's a shame but I want to be here for this local meet and to take this call.

I've done some digging around on building a back up system and that should come to fruition pretty soon, it is expensive but I think it will be a useful addition to the house so that none of us lose our data.  Of course I can't mitigate for flood or fire but there you go.  It is a quarter of the cost of going into the cloud (over a 5 year period) and so it makes economic sense to me.  The solution is also expensive because it is future proof and will allow me to expand as and when necessary.

Nearly there

This cold is almost gone but the headache and sore throat remain.  Had a long chat with my colleague about backing up my data at home and it looks as if my Network Storage might be the way to go, it isn't bullet proof but it will allow us to back up all the computers here.  It isn't going to be like a data centre reliability model but there's only so much one can do.  Saving to the cloud is actually ridiculously pricey - not sure why as storage is a cheap as chips.  Anyhow it worked out that it is cheaper for me to build my own than store offsite like that.

Am awaiting a call from HR department of a large corporate to see if they want to interview me. Will be interesting to see if they agree with the £s I've asked for in terms of salary.  If they are then it will be worth going for.  I still have my reservations but in a way I've set down the level at which I'm prepared to be bought.  I know that sounds mercenary but it is meant to.  I don't enjoy the lifestyle particularly but with the level of money I could bear it for enough time to increase my pension pot and put some of the money back into the household spent during my recent couple of years sojourn.

Making Some Sense of it All

That's next on my list of things to do.  Some time ago I wondered why I'd been spared and what I ought to do with this "borrowed" time and in some ways I've done something about it and made some changes and whilst I'm prone to over analysing everything I can tell you that there's something definitely wrong.  Now I'm not sure that it's like the something that was wrong before I went down with Bladder Cancer although at times it does feel like it.  I was prone to lethargy and just never felt like doing anything but forced myself to and actually got things to improve a bit up to the point of being diagnosed.  It was 8 years ago yesterday that I was with my parents and got the call that my mum's brother had died and that wasn't a great day having to break the news to my mum that her younger brother had died.  It was, though, about that time that I really started to notice that I wasn't up to my usual standard of mental and physical capacity but not enough to warrant going to the doctor etc.

It's similar to how I feel now but I don't feel quite the same and I'm sure it isn't ailing for something as I feel (despite my cold) very well indeed.  I am though bogged down with something and it's deep and it's important and just needs to be sorted out one way or the other.

The crazy thing is that if I knew exactly what it was I could do something about it :-)  I felt like writing a blog titled "The Meaning of Life" but that's not exactly it either.  It's more about the ending of my previous age and the commencement of another.  The changes that have to come about to enter this new age of late adulthood or early old age or something like that.  I have no clear vision of what I want to do, what matters (if anything actually does anymore) and how to go about it.  There's a definite want/need to draw a line under the past and to fix eyes on the horizon to go forward.  

Cold - Worst Over?

It certainly seems so and I've had two impromptu naps today which seem to have helped but have left me full of energy at midnight.  My sore throat is subsiding and sneezing and coughing no longer hurt that much so perhaps I will be OK for Saturday when I need to be on good form.

I've been working on how to achieve decent backups for my data this afternoon and started counting the cost of cloud storage and it's a bit more than I was expecting, so much so that it would be easier for me to build myself a RAID system here than to let it out to the cloud.  Of course there is the problem if there was a fire I suppose but let's hope that cloud costs come down sufficiently in the future to compete.  I can build a decent 6TB system which is plenty for the household and allow backups for all the computers and iPads and stuff that are here.  Of course, the main things are photos and music files which need backing up.

Hurrah!

Great news - my back up drive had only fried it's electronics and not the hard disk and so I have a new box with the drive in it and thank goodness - it is looking fine for the moment.  I need to now get some backup stuff in place and I'm pricing cloud versus having a NAS RAID array at home.  That may be expensive now but will prove to be less over the long run I believe.

At least my music is back and I can listen to it - I missed that.

A Cold

Welcome to autumn and winter, feeling pretty stuffed up and not happy at all with getting a cold and it just adds to my less than positive outlook on things at the moment.  It will get better, I know that and I'll be back to my happy self.

I was really pleased to hear that my Mum had gone out on her own yesterday, gone to town and back on the bus and had got out of the house and started to reclaim some independence.  She's going to try and do this every week which is great.  She needs to apply for her senior citizen's travel card and that will mean she can get reduced cost transport.  I'm very pleased about this as she feels better not relying on my brother and sister-in-law and she can go and do her own thing.

Mrs. F. is being super nice to me at the moment but that's because at last she understands what or why perhaps I'm like I am at present.  Mind you I'm beginning to feel better and starting to get myself motivated again.  It's been quite a dip this time but I feel that I'm turning the corner a bit and I just need to work on the positives again.

Full on cold

Sneezing and sore throat, blocked nose etc.  Been having another series of amazing dreams though over the past few weeks, amazing stuff, quite where it comes from I have no idea but the waking one this morning was incredibly detailed with a game show with archaeologists being awarded points and making amazing discoveries in amazing colour and detail.

I took my sick 1TB external drive down to the shop to see if they could sort it out.  We need to read it the last rites and pray for it to deliver up its data.  Shame.  I then had the local electricity people turn up who wanted to lop down a bit of my tree at the back of the garden - which was good as I was planning on doing some of that in a few months time when all the leaves are off.

Another misty day, a mizzly day apparently, depressing and damp but I had a better day today.  The company came back to me to say they were interested in my CV.  I appeared to have the skills they were looking for but they couldn't put me in at a Director level it would have to be a senior level under that.  Well that's OK by me as I'm not certain that I even need to go to that level.  I have though put in a very high starting bid for salary etc.  For no other reason than to actually get me to go back and do what I used to do, I ought to get properly rewarded for it.  From what I've discussed it should be about the right figure for them to be interested and for me to be happy with my lot.

I'm now just having some meds prior to taking my weary a**e off to bed as I'm very tired and could do with sleeping this cold off.   I have quite a few things still on my list to do but I feel that tomorrow I may finally get around to sorting some of them out.

Blast - is that a cold?

Why oh why do people who have colds go on public transport or attend meetings.  I had a hunch on Saturday that the guy next to me was sniffing his way through and I've just started sneezing and have a bit of a stinging feeling at the back of my nose and my throat  is beginning to feel sore.  Just what I don't need right now.

Had a good evening, Flocky Bicep drove us to Essex for a meeting, I had to get to him and so got a bus out into the countryside.  It was quite nice as the driver actually dropped me at the door of the pub I needed to wait at.  How very civilised and how very much different to any London buses.

We had a very nice meeting and it was great to see so many old friends too.  Being in Essex they produced a bowl of Leigh-on-Sea Cockles with vinegar and pepper - what a treat and the guy next to me didn't dine so we shared out his :-)

It was a good distraction today and broke my train of thought and has perhaps given me just enough time to just reflect a bit and restart things in the morning.  Off to bed and I just hope this isn't the start of a cold I really don't need that.

Complicated

If I thought it was ever going to be easy I was kidding myself.  Whilst I'm feeling lighter in my outlook despite the drizzle, mist and generally oppressive autumnal weather, I still have a number of things to resolve and some of them are just a matter of facing up to the fact they will never happen and ruling them out.  Other things need a bit more time to bed in.  Mrs. F. is quite happy that I set up my alternative business but I'm not yet convinced that I want to do that especially as I'm not sure it will make money for us.  It may well do but I haven't sat down and done the detailed planning.  Doing that will probably assist but I would probably need to convince myself that is worth spending some months on doing.  In reality it should have been ready for launch now ready for Christmas (I can officially use that word as there have been adverts out all this month already!).  

I am certain that it would be about this time of year that the business would kick off and of course people would want stuff provided using that as a deadline - it could be tricky.. :-)  Anyway, whilst I'm warming to the idea, I still need to convince myself that it isn't a pipe dream.  It only answers part of the problem though and I'd be still searching for answers on other stuff too.

I know that I need to step back from all the current chaos and take stock.  That's perhaps what I can do in the next week or two.  Hope is fading for these potential gigs I may have had and perhaps that will allow me to direct my attention to the rest of the things vying for my attention.

It's a bit like living in a vortex at the moment, I know I can tackle it all but I just need to step outside and set some targets for the important and urgent stuff and leave some of the detritus behind for now.

Sunday Night

It is going to be a long week I have surmised.  Mrs. F. is off to work as is A tomorrow and then L and her boyfriend head back up to Cambridge tomorrow.  I'll be off on Monday to Essex for a meeting and then not much else until Saturday when I have my first full meeting as Master of my Lodge.  I'm looking forward to that and hope that I can get it right and that the meeting will go ahead smoothly.

It is funny that since I've broached the issue about what to do next with Mrs. F. I've suddenly realised quite how much of a can of worms I've kicked over.  Not for her but for me :-)  It's a strange thing that I hadn't realised how much of my decision making actually hangs on what is right for everyone and not just for me.  It has overloaded my mind a bit and so that's what I now need to resolve.  It's becoming a very difficult time to work out what to do next mainly because I'm not absolutely certain what to do next.  By that I mean that there are now more options available than there were last week and I just need to work my way through them - it's added a lot to the mix but I suppose that's not a bad thing.

Then again maybe not

I ended up sitting downstairs until 3:30 as I was a bit annoyed after having been out for a meal we returned having discussed some things but then we hit a rocky bit and I just needed to be left alone to think.

Today's been a bad one and not helped by a friend who contacted me and has had some pretty awful times, now on various charitable schemes and also having been very down and close to suicide.  I'm far from that and wouldn't contemplate anything like that because surely things can't be that bad that you need to do that.  I would suggest it is a pretty selfish thing to do especially if you have family.  

So today has been a misty, raining, autumnal typical English heading towards winter day.  It's damp and solemn and drippy and misty. It's downright depressing and so my mood matches it.

And yet I have moments where I feel quite normal and upbeat.  

It sounds bad doesn't it?  I'm not in a really bad place though so don't worry about that, I'm just now working through the stuff I need to to work out what I need to do next.  

Afternoon

Was spent sorting out Christmas stuff which made for some time for Mrs. F. and myself to be together.  No one around so we fancy a meal and will either head off up to the Indian for a curry or possibly head to the pub for a bite to eat and a few beers.  Not sure which at the moment but small steps - good stuff.

Nice Meeting

A breakfast meeting with a cooked English Breakfast (a Full one - no idea why they say full English).  It was very nice indeed and a nice way to start the day.   We then had a pleasant enough meeting and a I was home before lunch which was very good indeed.

It was nice too that Mrs. F. had done some work in the new bathroom and so has now headed off to the tip to throw away our old rubbish and dead tiles and stuff.  When she gets back we are going to work on doing something together - not sure what that will be but let's give it a go and see where we end up.  We can just work on something and see where it takes us.  At least we are talking which is a huge step up from last week.  Not that anything was bad just not right.

I am hoping that we might get to start working out the rest of our lives or begin to find some common ground and some heads of agreement.

Purpose

So once you've worked your way up the greasy pole, provided shelter and food for your family and are in a position to pretty well do what you want.  What do you actually do?

Sure I'd like more money and all that but what if that isn't important anymore?  What if I just want a quiet life and to no longer have to work every hour sent and travel for miles and miles?  What if I reverse work and home so that home is more important?  What then?

I questioned why I was spared some years ago.  Was there some "greater purpose"?  Whilst I did a long stint at the Charity I still wasn't absolutely sure.  I made a difference to many people and that's good but it is soon forgotten - like they have forgotten who did some of the original thought leadership.  People are surprised that I may have had any involvement because those who remain  will naturally take the kudos, I'm no longer there, out of sight out of mind.

I enjoy working in some ways but I get right into it, I was never a 9 to 5, it isn't in my nature to be a worker bee / drone.  If I went back into work I reckon I'd be stuck into it and have no home life (again) and all I'd be doing is bringing in the bucks for my retirement and perhaps to have a new car and some other frivolous stuff that will look good but ultimately do the same job as the stuff I' have now.

Had a long chat this morning about things with my business partner and we are struggling with this sense of purpose, a need for a holistic solution and a better work life balance into the future.   

Conundrums

Conundrums indeed, it's the problems that need working through.  I've said it before on here and it goes something along these lines:

Many things have changed since Bladder Cancer.  Life means something entirely different.  Work means something entirely different.  I don't want to live like I lived before.  I don't enjoy doing what I used to do and go out of my way to avoid some things altogether.  All the stuff that went on before is now almost null and void for no other reason than it no longer exists or holds its interest.  Only I have changed and I don't expect everyone else to do so just because of me.

I was explaining that the things that really brought us together no longer exists.  That would be building our house, saving and getting the stuff of life, cars, furniture and all that good stuff.  We built a home then we had kids and then found out that all those things we did no longer exists other than in a set of then and now photographs.  You can't live in the past - it's a shame but it can't happen - many people are trying to go back to the days of their youth and it's not a good look people! :-)  Having witnessed the 60 years olds with long grey hair tied in a pony tail reliving their acid days at some tribute band gig is not where I want to be and not what I want to do.  It captures nothing and takes you nowhere further on.

I don't think I particularly need to do anything way off base either, I just want to enjoy what's left of the rest of my life.  I'd like a house by the coast or in the country, a local ambiance and village feel to the place, the opportunity to know people and to do something to make ends meet but just to make ends meet.  The trouble is that this idealised lifestyle may exists but comes at a price and that's giving up what we have here.  I may be prepared to do that but would others?  How idyllic is it in reality and so on.  On the other hand, I'm quite happy to go and revisit my old life but I think that, if I do, it will be on my terms and that won't be acceptable and I'd want to live near where I work not have to commute which I really cannot stand either.

I may want all of these things but, it is what I want and not what suits everyone else.  That's the thing that needs sorting out.  If it doesn't work for two or more it may not work at all.  That's the worry and perhaps why it has taken so long to get to this point.  But here we are, at long last, able to at least face up to it even if we don't enjoy what we are seeing.

Different

I suppose that's good, things are different all of a sudden but it's strange not having the normal "day-to-day" atmosphere happening.  Of course, it's just a day in but perhaps it's the start of a new dialogue.  Let's see what happens and how things progress.

Off out later to a meeting in Gillingham and so a small trip out is in order via bus and train - it's a reasonably long journey, I used to do it regularly years ago.  Hope that they don't go on for too long as it usually means I'm getting back way gone midnight.

Funeral tomorrow of one of our members, a nice guy, not too sure whether to go as the place will be mobbed out and I really don't like crowded rooms at the best of times.

Another Victim

Ex work colleague, a few years older than me, told he has aggressive form of Cancer, dead in 6 weeks.  Shame.

If you've had Cancer and you are a survivor it brings back some strange feelings and a queasy uneasiness as you recollect your own memories of the diagnosis and the prognosis.  I don't think I actually asked whether I would die because it wasn't explained to me as terminal, it was aggressive however and it was close to being out of control, a few layers of cells and we all know how small they are!

I try not to make too much of it but in reality it IS a big thing and it altered everything.  Years back I suggested collateral damage and there's every possibility that is coming to be now although I don't know what that means, it does concern me.  Of course, what will be will be and whatever may happen couldn't be anywhere near as bad as getting Cancer, I don't think much else comes near at all.  

Needed to be said

Well things needed to be said because I kept coming back to the same old road block in my thinking.  I played a scenario where I would live as long as my dad giving me 27 more years on this planet.  I then played the 10 more years until I can "officially" retire, that gave me perhaps 17 years then I worked out that as I'd already had cancer once that I might well be more susceptible to more (I have no evidence whatsoever to support this).

What I kept coming back to was that many of the things in my bucket list were things that only I really would enjoy doing.  I then started making a list of things that Mrs. F. and I enjoy doing together which never got past 2 things!  Many of the things that kept us together in the past, buying and renovating our two houses, the massive garden and all the fruit, doing our own wine and jams etc growing our own veg were all part of how we grew up together, then there were the children and everything has gone into their health and wellbeing and now that they are substantially off our hands (not entirely) there's nothing much left to do and please I don't need a list of suggestions at the moment - only we actually know what would work.

It actually feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and probably off of Mrs. F's too as she is as aware of this as I am and so it just now needs to be worked through.  Unfortunately she isn't a pragmatist or an optimist when it comes to these things.  She can't see that she could easily give up the rubbish job she is in now and we could go and do something far more fulfilling but that's a discussion to come.

Today I'm going to sort out a huge crop of apples that are lying around in the kitchen and a little later will meet up with Flocky Bicep for a few post work beers and a chat.  I do feel quite bad that I've upset Mrs. F. but I also it should at last get stuff out of my head, off of my mindmaps and out for discussion.  If we don't talk it through then there's no chance of resolving things.

Anyway, at least we've kicked off the dialogue and we will see where it goes.  Whilst I don't feel good about that, it needs to happen and containing it like I have for these past years wasn't a good ploy but perhaps I just wasn't ready to do anything about it.  Who knows, cowardice on my side or perhaps, more like me, keeping testing and checking to make sure that it wasn't "in my head" before coming clean.

I Feel Horrible

God I feel bad, I hate upsetting Mrs. F. she is a diamond lass and does everything for her children and more.  That's both the good and the bad as I've largely been ignored for the "children years".  Not that I minded that, it was my job to hoover up the big bucks and provide the house, funds for the school, trips, dancing etc., whatever was needed and whilst I was away grafting my arse off, the mortgage got paid, the bills were covered and everything worked fine.

In fact all was well until a year or two before I got ill when suddenly I wasn't quite "me" any more and in fact I was ailing.  Since then I've struggled mentally and physically - and as regular readers know - I've gone through the mill every which way possible.  That's my outcome from cancer, not everyones of course.  I'm changed and I'm no longer who I was and my value system has changed possibly diametrically so if I really level with myself, I'm no longer the person she knew and the change is marked.

But I feel really bad to bring this all to a head now.  In reality I feel that I must have definitely left the signal on the browser consciously so Mrs. F. could find it.  It had to be done, it needs to be said and glory knows we haven't spoken to each other properly in years.  She works her butt off and is always tired, can't spend time to talk to me, is in some sort of mood and so on.  The kids always come before me (and I don't begrudge that) but that's just where it is.

Anyway - I feel really bad because I've upset her tonight and she is taking it really badly.  All I want to do is discuss it but I'm a professional consultant type with all the questions and all the answers.  I need to tread on eggshells when we do talk.  I feel like a sh1t but I know I have to do this :-(

Sh1t Timing

I have to say that I have sh1t timing and I was a bit lax here.  I recognised that there was some problems happening especially in terms of "empty nest syndrome" and somehow (maybe consciously) it was left as a search string in the PC Browser.  So Mrs. F. cornered me as I got back from the pub.  Now as I said at the time of being so cornered - it isn't a great time to talk to me after I've got a few beers down my neck and I'd been laughing and joking with the lads but we had some discussions (shall we say).

It wasn't pleasant but then again I didn't expect it to be but it was a little more unpleasant than I really wanted it to be or needed it to be.  In fact it got a bit ugly but then I suppose it was time I said something but I really didn't want to be talking with a few beers down the neck although, on reflection, at least I said it as it was.

Of course, now I've upset things and have been trying to smooth it all over but it's all about money, who does what at home and all that old tosh.  Frankly, it wasn't a fair contest and so I stopped it and we need to talk later but at last and at least we are going to talk and I've been wanting to do that for years.

Finally we agree that we don't like each other's choice of music, TV, friends and many other things and that's a huge amount of progress.

Let's see what the rest of the week brings.  I feel an absolute bastard for bringing it up but it needs to be said and the conversation needs to be had.  I'm worried about the future and Mrs. F. isn't looking past the next pay packet, we are so off base it isn't true.  Let's now hope we can work this out at last.

I was surprised I said some of the things I did tonight but I was pretty explicit about my life expectancy and the short time I felt I had left.  Mrs. F. is worried about things that aren't even remotely likely to happen unless she wishes hard enough for them to.   

At least it is out in the open and at least we know where we stand.  I just think that she has held on to too much for too long and thinks it is all her fault when, in reality I think it is mainly my problems we need to tackle.  Let's see where it goes from here.  It isn't a good night but it is progress and that's what I need now.

Strange

There's something a bit strange going on here.  There's me ranting about being unconventional, not wanting to go back into Corporate life and all that good stuff and yet here I am feeling quite OK after submitting my CV to one of the largest Corporate entities on the planet.  

I even feel quite good this afternoon and that's also strange.  Oh well, I will roll with it and see what happens I guess.  So far today I've been on a "bit of a roll" and that's what is so strange about it as it isn't anything confirmed just a possibility.  

Off out tonight to see my old school chums - blessed with good friends from around 1967 when my parents moved us to here from London.   45 or more years how nice is that? I have to say that I was very lucky indeed to have been able to continue to have such good pals after all this time.