Like Buses

One day you wait and wait and then three come along at once.  Jobs - so finally I get to have my 5th of 6th Interview in the process and with any luck we can move things on a bit now.

Then there's another job that's come along that I may be interested in that needs a CV in by end of next week and then an old friend called with a possible position that sounds right up my street and so that too is a possibility.  It's a numbers game and I reckon that I will see how this goes and then approach the other two next week with a view to seeing if I can get an interview (at least) for either of them.  Mind you they wont pay nearly as much as this one.

I'm in good shape both head and body wise but trying on my suits I still can't get into the ones I was in this time last year and so even more effort will be needed to lose weight.  I'm doing OK but things tend to slow down around about now - I just need to keep the faith and carry on with the diet - it is working but of course it is slowing down a bit now compared to the early weight loss.  

I'm contemplating closing down the business I've run for 15 years and just shutting down shop and having done with that - I imagine I'd need to do that anyway.  This leaves me to then have my plan B in place for the other potential businesses I would set up if these three opportunities come to nothing.

So tomorrow I will be pouring over my CV and getting ready for my interview and hoping that they don't ask anything too difficult especially as I've been out of some areas for a number of years.

Lots Going On

A crazy week - I had the dentist and finished that course of treatment off and then did some more work for my Brother-In-Law finishing off some furniture he has built in.  I've almost completed my music library with track listing, album and artist pictures etc.  That's taken ages.  My weight has dropped off nicely and I'm on the way down towards 16 Stone having lost around 2 stone or so.  Clothes are starting to fit and I actually look slimmer which is great.

Mrs. F. had disappointment when work wouldn't allow her a full week off mainly because a number of staff have booked odd days off to complete their holiday allocation.  Anyway, that's been resolved and so we are off to Sorrento in Italy for a week.  We have made up a package on-line of flight and hotel and we hope to do a bit of touring of the area.  We were initially going to Sicily or one of the Mediterranean Islands but fancied a bit of touring around as well.

We went out on Sunday and so I delayed cheat day until then - lucky I did as we had afternoon tea which actually brought about a sugar rush and sweat on me  :-)  All those jams and cream and cakes were great but as always the next day I feel horrible in the morning and I managed to drag myself out of my bed a little later than usual and almost had to force feed myself.

Feeling somewhat up and down though this morning - sure that's to do a bit with cheat day as it totally unbalances my body and also I STILL haven't heard from the company that I'm meant to have an interview with on Thursday - you can't make it up it's been a series of mini disasters :-)  

Interesting - So Where's The Confirmation

So I know I have an interview at 09:30 on the 7th March - that's cool.  I know that it is at London Bridge - OK.  However I have no idea who it is with or the address I'm meant to attend because the promised email hasn't arrived as of yet.  It was meant to be with me an hour or so after we talked.  Of course, they didn't leave me a number or name to contact which is a bit disappointing!  This is a world class company and yet this HR process has been the worst I've ever seen.  I've seen some bad ones too of course but this is just horrendous.  Let's hope they sort themselves out quickly.  Maybe it's a trade test to see if I can work out where to go on no information.

I have the Dentist in the morning for the last set of fillings (re-doing old ones) and then I have an afternoon's work with my Brother-In-Law probably cleaning and emptying the flat that he was working on prior to the people moving in on Friday.  It will give me something to do whilst my mouth de-numbs itself.

Interview - at last

What has it been? Six weeks - must be - since I did the last interview.  Now I have an interview coming up in a week and a bit - handy as I'm already due up to London for the day so that will fit in nicely.

This should then leave one more should I get through this one.  I reckon that it has been a good 6 months to sort this out!  Oh well - at least I'm 2/3 rds the way through the process and I should fit into my suit for next week :-)

Change - no one really likes it

Being diagnosed with Cancer is a life altering thing.  For some it is a lot worse than that.  For me, it meant tackling head on a number of areas of my life, life style and attitude.  Having come out of the end (I hope) of it I'm changed in a number of ways.  An example was on Saturday I had my Lodge meeting where I am the Master this year.  I decided to relax and just let the meeting happen and it all went off rather well I thought.  I had no real fear or nerves this time I'd decided that there was nothing there to be afraid of and whatever I did, I was also at the mercy of a number of others.

So Change?  People dislike change and fight against it all the time.  I've changed and I've a hankering for change but no one wants to change.  I can understand this but it is now stopping me changing or doing what I want to do.  The problems include that my interests are so widely diverse now and Mrs. F really isn't into music, sport and history and neither is she into going out that much or seeing concerts and my sort of films aren't her sort of films, my music is nothing like her tastes and neither is my literary interests in any way shape or form similar.  See the problem?  There's nothing binding us together.  We don't fight or not get on but because we don't even watch the same TV or do the same things it makes things a bit difficult.  

Getting over Cancer is a little bit like being born again except you don't have to go to school and so on.  You realise that some things that were important just aren't, that some things are important that you didn't think were and you realise finally that you are mortal and not a superhero with super powers (any longer).  Life is pretty damn precious when you've seen your own demise and I guess seeing my father die last year also suggested that perhaps I needed to look at life a bit differently.

This is the most difficult thing I've had to deal with for some time as I feel as if I'm walking on egg shells, I don't want to screw things up by explaining things in the straight and direct manner I'm used to in case it all goes horribly wrong.  So I'm trying like mad to work on ways to explain and then work out some sort of solution or solutions.  The trouble is, I'm not going to get someone who likes Cliff Richard to like Metallica or who likes Agatha Christie to enjoy Tolstoy and whilst we always had our differences in these areas it feels like a gulf now where before the filling was building a home and then having children it now appears to be that there are very few things that bind us together.  Oh well - I'm still working at it :-)

My weight loss is still going well and I can get into my waistcoats (just) now.  I'm down below the 17 Stone barrier now and still heading downwards.  

Bizarre Week

It's been a strange week in many ways and I enjoyed doing some work although my back and legs hurt like hell and suddenly I realised how unfit I was after carrying materials up and down an astonishingly small spiral staircase :-)  Anyway, the work is done, a visit to the Dentist means that I can now chew on both sides of my mouth too.

I was in a funny old place on Tuesday - I was just amazed at how nasty people are.  I was reading some supposed scientists having a go at each other.  They weren't looking at the work they'd churned out and arguing whether it was or was not proven etc - no they were having a hair pulling cat fight in public.  What's the point?  Get your point across without being personal.  The irony is I think I ought to call the Tossers for doing it anyway :-)

Gosh it's cold outside - temperature dropping snow flurrying around too :-(  I've got to go out in this later - I feel a bus ride coming on rather than walking it today...

Purpose

What's the meaning of it all?  Somehow I've asked myself this question a LOT of times.  The vastness of the Universe and the loose grip we hold on to our existence on this planet.  What is the purpose and the meaning of it all and how can we make sense (if we are to) of it all?

Sometimes I sit back and wonder what on earth I'm doing here on this planet at all and exactly what is the grand purpose of life itself.  

It's all getting heavy isn't it? :-)  I mean there are some fundamental things happening here and I very much doubt anyone has any real idea of our purpose and what on earth is going on.  

I really don't get life at all at the moment.  Why we live the way we do, how downright nasty people are to each other and the lack of tolerance and charity.  The huge rifts in the way people behave and at the end of the journey, after everyone has been nice or nasty they all get to go to heaven - really?  That's what it's all about?

I don't get why so many things in this world are the way they are, why people act the way the do when, in the end, we are all going to end up equal anyway...

I'll end it there, my head is hurting with questions of the Universe and what if... :-)

Funny Waking Dreams

I have the most amazing dream sequences. This morning's one was hilarious as the phone went and  it was the company who haven't got back to me yet (20 days and counting).  The lady on the end of the phone called a halt to the process as they needed someone by Mid March.  So I said that's fine because I'm available now.  That's when it got really bizarre as that answer wasn't good enough and she kept saying that I had to be available in mid March which I kept assuring her that I was and even if I was available now I would still be available in mid March :-)  Eventually, she gave up the argument and the phone went quiet and I kept saying I know you are there I can hear you breathing :-)  Then I woke up :-)

Mmm.  Perhaps I'm just getting to that point in proceedings where I just kick all these "opportunities" into touch and get on with something else?  I'm not in a bad place at all at the moment and feel quite well.  I have some more visits to the dentist to go through but by the end of next week that will be over (I think).  Certainly this tooth being extracted has now solved the sinus and my ear problem!  So a few fillings to go and we can move on from that.  

I have my mum coming down for a week which will be nice and also Mrs. F and I are planning a week away in the not too distant future.  Not quite our Grand Tour of Italy but certainly a relax and chill week away to recharge.

Careful What You Wish For

I said I needed a good nights sleep - well 12 hours worth was a bit more than I expected - I got up at about 11 am !!! That's half the day gone.  I still had to have breakfast of course and will just push my meals back a few hour.  It completely messes your time clock of course but there you go - I obviously needed the sleep.

I'm wondering whether to put myself forward for another tortuous go at a job in London and I'm not sure I want to go through it for the third time but perhaps I may just do an application to nowhere a hit and devil be damned what the outcome may be.  

The ongoing saga of getting rid of the Piano may be coming to a close as I have someone else interested and so I can push a bit harder to get it out of my garage and on to somewhere new.  

It also looks that my Mum may come down and see us in March which will be nice.  So some good news there - I can pick her up when I go there and we can have a week of her company. 

Yes - Cheat Day

I enjoyed cheat day today I didn't have too much to drink nor too much to eat and was able to indulge in many forbidden fruits.  Tomorrow is back to normal but that's OK - I almost prefer my diet food now that I am used to it.

Feeling OK at the moment, my tooth is behaving itself and - or rather the hole where my tooth once was.  Interestingly my ear, which has been giving me problems for a while has settled down - coincidence - perhaps but it is on the same side and adjacent?  The little sinus blister thing has gone down too and so I'm hopeful that the right thing has been done.

In some ways I'm feeling confident about the future and happy in myself.  I'm not certain about my relationships with other people that matter to me and I just need to check these things out and make sure I'm "OK" with them.

Off to bed shortly and hope to get a good night's sleep - something I haven't had for a few nights.

Scene From The Godfather

I woke to find that my mouth had bled overnight and to some rather large (looked much worse than it was) blood stains.  So a quick gather up of pillow and cases and covers and dumped into water to soak!  

After a quick gargle it must have been me favouring the gap in my teeth overnight but at least it wasn't bleeding this morning and a wash out was all that was required.

My face still feels numb but that's OK, rather that than it being painful.  

I had a pretty disturbed night now I come to think about it  I was in planning mode and getting to the point of making some sort of decision about the future.  Whilst that sounds decisive it actually means that I've hit another point in the process of deciding what to do next.  Having not heard anything from the potential employers I'm now considering that my three or four ideas need to be reviewed and considered.  I need to talk to Mrs. F. if she will actually sit down and give me more than 30 seconds of her valuable time.

Off out this afternoon and tomorrow to meetings - tomorrow will be good as it is cheat day and a huge breakfast awaits....  Nice!

Well It Does Hurt A Bit

A handful of pills has brought the numbness back to reasonable levels and I'm getting used to this gap in my teeth.  I suppose you have to get used to this when you are getting older and being a "victim" of whatever Dentists did to us in the 60s and sweets and sugar must also be a big factor.   There is some interesting stuff, again on Mercola about non invasive dentistry and I'm following some of the advice including washing my mouth out with Baking Soda (Bicarbonate of Soda) in the evening to get rid of any acidity in the mouth.  I've got a new electric toothbrush too which I hope will help and as I only touch sugar in moderation on cheat day, I'm hoping that it too will help long term.

I had to only eat cold food tonight and I was looking forward to doing some Liver & Bacon but that will have to wait until tomorrow - perhaps for lunch :-)  

I'm off to a meeting with Flocky Bicep in the afternoon and also early on Saturday we are going for a Breakfast meeting and I will drive.  He's been great and driven everywhere so far so at least I'll get to drive him on Saturday.  As it is cheat day I will be cutting loose on the breakfast in the morning and for the rest of the day.

Oh well, I'd better get to bed - I'm tired and fell asleep watching the TV. 

Getting Ready For The Dentist

The first of four visits (perhaps 5 when he sees the chip off one of my lower left teeth).  Today is the start of the Root Canal - remembering what it was like last time - as long as he gives me enough numbing agent it isn't too bad.  Of course it has to be a difficult one at the top but hey - let's get it over with.

I've spent some days re-building my Accounts spreadsheets and have been pouring over the figures as there appears to be a bit of an anomaly in the Bank Account - it is probably an unpaid cheque or some such thing.  At least I have the spreadsheet under some form of control now which is good.  I can also see at a glance the yearly spend which was always difficult before.  Another couple of hours with it and I can send it off to a friend to be sanity checked.

I am beginning to get to the point of having to make a decision about this job - it has been well over 3 weeks and still nothing has come back - it really is a pain as there is no contact to chase it up.  A Yes / No or even a Maybe would be something.   


UPDATE:

Well, well, well.  What a strange thing.  The Dentist originally thought it was the tooth he had root canal filled a year or two back.  He decided to drill the tooth next door as the X-Ray showed the Sinus (lump on my gum) appearing to head towards the root of that tooth.  I did a little jump not far in and when he realised that the tooth was still "live" when it should be dead he reviewed things and so took out the Root Canal filled tooth - which came out pretty easily.  I've saved a few bob but even so - that's one expensive tooth :-)  I'm actually quite glad about that as I'd read some disturbing stuff on that on the Mercola web site.   Under the rather alarming title "97% of Terminal Cancer Patients Previously Had This Dental Procedure.." it does pose a bit of a worry but then you hear and see so many of these types of stories.

Anyway - the main thing is that the little hole is filled and the tooth is out.  Let's hope that gets this Sinus to go and speed the way for finishing off my teeth procedures quicker - I have one less appointment even though I have one extra filling.  Mrs. F. will be pleased as it is a lot cheaper to have this course of treatment :-)

Not Hungry

I forced food down myself on Monday and this morning was no different.  Lunchtime today I got Chef at the Pub to knock me up a Ham Salad - and very nice it was too - I couldn't eat it all and so something is definitely happening here.  It could be that I've worked out my quantities and so I don't need to adjust these any more.  I tend to eat an enormous breakfast which may also account for not wanting anything else much larger during the day.

I had a good long chat with my Business partner - we got a lot off each other's chests - we are still having issues both family and business and our varying experiences and frustrations were well aired over a glass of wine and some coffee :-)

I'm out again tonight and so will be on Red Wine - no beer allowed until cheat day!  I'm doing well with the diet as I can see dramatic results already and that's just what I need - some encouragement :-)

I have a series of other meetings this week and I need to keep my discipline.

Nice Day ... eventually

For some time, seeing the snow and slush this morning I really didn't want to venture out but eventually I did make the commitment and I'm very glad I did as I enjoyed myself and we had lots of fun and that's important.  My friend went in the Chair and we all had a great evening and as it was Monday my journey home by Bus, train and bus was good.  In fact I was the only passenger on the bus home which was nice - like having a chauffeur driven bus to the top of the road!  

I did my bit in the Temple and it was nice to be part of the overall ceremony.  I bumped into a number of people that I knew and also that I had something in common with so a great evening all around.

Yes - glad I made myself go after all - it was a good evening and despite feeling a bit low in the morning I soon came round and was back to good form by the time we hit the Hotel.

Cheat Day Makes You Feel Rough

The next morning!  I do feel rough but then again I did have 6 large whiskies and 2 or 3 pints of beer plus a monster meal, lots of chocolates and stuff - I just pigged out entirely even finishing off Mrs. F's chocolate pudding in the restaurant.  It was touch and go stuff too as the snow really started to fall across the South Downs where we stopped for a late afternoon meal - we were home by 8 but then I had some cheese, some chocolate and a couple of whiskies.  

This morning I felt horrible, certainly I had to force breakfast down myself and I'm not looking forward to eating anything at lunchtime either.  I then have to go out in the snow and muck to go to London for a meeting.  My friend is going into the Chair of his Lodge - probably the best day for any member.  At least the meeting is near the main railway station so I can get easily there and back.  I have to say though I do feel particularly sick right now, let's hope that moves on - I don't need to be feeling rough as I have words to say this afternoon too.

Oh well - hopefully this feeling will go away.  I've noticed this before though - if you blow out on your cheat day you feel far less inclined to even want to eat the next day it really does wobble your equilibrium.   Mind you the results of the diet are good and so far no complaints - I am hoping that there will be even greater improvements now that the huge stomach has gone and I can see things like my watch is loose on my wrist as is the ring on my finger - now easier to put on and take off.  Trousers all fit and the belt buckle goes one extra notch with no difficulty.  

That's Good

Whilst it is "cheat day" in my ongoing diet - I have postponed this until tomorrow when I get to go on my Whisky tasting experience bought for me by "the girls" - the wives and so I can have that tomorrow and any beer or anything else I want.  I've been good this week and now after about 4 weeks at this had a sneaky measure this morning and I'm under 17 stone and close to 16 1/2 stone which considering I topped close to 18 1/2 at Christmas is major progress.   Things change quite fast at the beginning of this diet and I can now wear most of my trousers and my belt is fully in one notch, my collars don't feel like I'm about to be garotted and I feel a lot better.  Whilst there is still a way to go - I'm really pleased with the results and will continue to follow this until I get somewhere near my target of around 14 stone (ideally).

A little later I'm going to go out shopping with Mrs. F - every little helps especially as she will drive me back from Brighton tomorrow :-)

Dentist Appointments Done

The time for procrastinating had gone on long enough and I did all my chores in one hit today including phoning my friend who is now in Thailand and seems to be enjoying his time there.  I then called the Dentists and set up my appointments starting next Thursday and so will get my teeth sorted.  I'm adding rinsing and final cleaning at night using Bicarbonate of Soda (Baking Soda) to just neutralise my mouth of acid before bed.  I hope that this little routine will assist in the longer term.  I'm also considering getting a water pick - my cousin in the US talked about getting one - it looks pretty impressive tool and I'll discuss with my dentist what he thinks.  

I wonder if having Cancer has anything to do with my teeth problems or whether it is just an "age thing".  Whatever, I want to hang on to them as long as possible and so need to work out some sort of long term maintenance plan.

Out and further tests of my resolve

I did rather well tonight - I stuck to Red Wine, I had only vegetables and meat, no gravy and no pudding.  A kind soul remembered that I like Cheese and Biscuits and presented me with a plate full which I gave to my colleagues - I had the Celery only.  I am determined to lose more weight and I reckon a stone in 3 weeks is pretty good in fact I think it is close to 1 and a half stone already, 3 to 4 inches around my stomach gone already, trousers are beginning to fit better, belt in by one step, watch now loose on wrist, ring now goes on to finger easily and so on.  I can put my fingers between my neck and the collar of my shirt too.

My stomach is really beginning to show improvement and also under my arms and around the side of my torso so all in all, I'm heading in the right direction.  I am moving cheat day to Sunday as we are out and about Whisky tasting and probably having a meal - I think that is what Mrs. F. muttered to me under her breath.  I'm sure that if I caught her on a day when she isn't tired or pissed off with me that she might speak properly to me and I'd understand what was being said.  

Anyway, that aside, I've had a good day and managed to do a couple of miles walk and eat properly so that's good.

There's a clue

I have a programme that replicates the files on one device and copies them to another.  I finished the cataloguing and set this going last night - it's going to take another 4 days to complete the transfer of files from one device to the other across a reasonably fast network - even so - that's a lot of data being transferred :-)

Of course, I've changed practically every file name, all the tag data associated with each one and also much of the Folder structure!  

I was having another one of my "episodes" again last night - not really getting to sleep and getting all worked up about something - not sure what it was.  Today I'm procrastinating a bit I need to go and sort out appointments and the like and I think I've got my diary in some sort of order so I can ring the Dentist and get my 4 appointments set in stone.  I have a number of days where I am out and about and suddenly I wonder where all these things have materialised from.

Still no word from potential employers but in some ways I am getting used to that.  Out this afternoon to a meeting and must go and get ready soon for that.  Weight is still coming off nicely and my belt can go the extra notch in and also my watch is loose on my arm and my ring fits my finger again!  I'm getting used to the diet again now but this weekend need to move cheat day back a day to Sunday as we are going out.

Catalogue

Finally I have completed cataloguing my music - well that I already have recorded that is.  It's taken absolutely ages and at least 60 or more hours of work I reckon.  Anyway, it is completed now and I'm just tidying it all up.  I can now search directly and see what tracks and artists I have.  

Now I need to keep up the discipline and move the rest of my music over a bit at a time.  

I also now need to get my schedule in order so that I can get my dentist appointments scheduled along with all the other bits and pieces I need to sort out.  

Spit it out man

Thanks to Flocky for those words earlier :-)

Interesting- I went to a friend's house earlier and we chatted (as you do) and he was interested about how I felt about my dad.  It's strange (funny peculiar) as I am neutral about it - I have an attitude that everyone dies and when your time is up, well that's it and that it is part of "life" if that isn't a tautology in itself.  

I read with some emotion this blog entry by Jim Tuffin in his ongoing blog about his terminal cancer.  I only know Jim from having exchanged emails 10 years ago but saw his blog and was curiously drawn to it because, in many ways, it could have been me.  I am beginning to find his blog both disturbing and yet I'm drawn to his pragmatic and optimistic outlook as well as some "moth to a flame" attraction because "there but through the grace of God go I"

In many ways Jim has been wrapping up what it feels like to know that the end is coming and who knows when it will be whilst he still keeps up his own spirits and those of his family.  It demonstrates how you don't suffer in silence yourself but how you suffer for ty=hose around you and worry about them.  Wonderful human characteristics but perhaps somewhat misplaced as you won't be there after the event - or will you - as Jim discusses?

So back to the plot and I was talking about my dad and how I didn't feel that he had a "good death" that he lay there helpless in bed and for many weeks on end knew that he could do nothing for himself (and I mean nothing).  for a man of his standing and independence it must have been humiliating and upsetting and I did see him upset for the first time in my life.  I saw fear in his eyes, I saw hurt and I saw helplessness in someone that had, until that point never been helpless before but had been the "head of the family", strong, resolute and a leader to us.  He was reduced to a helpless, feeble, grey shell of the man I knew and it does upset me.  It upsets me because you don't want to see this sort of whimpering away of life; this steady and then rapid decline.   

So did it affect me?  Of course it did but I'm comforted by a number of things and disturbed by others.  My father and I were never "close" but we knew between us what was going on - I felt every bit of survivor syndrome when he was diagnosed and he knew it and reassured me about that.  He knew what was coming and he dealt with it as only he and we knew he would.  He was a very brave man and considering he'd never really been ill or been in Hospital for well over 60 years - he had a good innings.  He bore the Hospital stuff as well as he could and whilst he was "spaced out" on a number of occasions (often you are thankful for that when you think about it as he didn't know what was going on), he dealt with everything heroically.

How do I feel now?  I guess I don't want to die like he did.  It wasn't "fair" and it wasn't "nice" and you can see why Cancer has this fearsome reputation.  I've been moved in many ways (and humbled) by his and my own experiences.  However, this hasn't manifested itself very well in me as I want to go and live life to the fullest and my circumstances and my own conservative and introvert (yes I KNOW that's difficult to comprehend if you know me) personality stop me from cutting loose and living my life flat out.

Interesting times ahead.....   

Phew

That Was an interesting afternoon and night out - as usual I got the jitters as the meeting started as I still have this mini panic attack about being in these rooms and getting hot and airless but they had the fans on and it wasn't as busy at it was a few years back and so there was room to move around and I felt fine.

We had a good Burns Supper and a good few drinks back at the Club and I arrived home at 02:30.  It was a good night out.  Reality bites and I'm back on my diet this morning and the cycle starts again.

I'm continuing to re catalogue my music and have two PCs running together closing in on each other from either end of the alphabet.

I managed to chip a lump off one of my teeth which all adds to my bill with the Dentist!  I need to arrange a series of visits to get all this lot done and the Root Canal treatment is the first on the bill - as long as he numbs my head it will be fine!

An Afternoon And Evening

It's time for the boys from Scotland to come down here and this afternoon and tonight should be a good evening once again.  It is one of those meetings that is quite enjoyable once I've got over the mini panic attack with the crowded room at the beginning but we call off for tea halfway through and so that's normally OK.

We then have a Burn's Supper with all the pipes and Haggis etc - very nice.  Then on to the Conservative Club and have a few drinks before getting home in the early hours.

It is cheat day and so I will have plenty of things to cheat with including beer and potatoes and Cheese so I'll be happy and fully stuffed when I get home.

I've lost around a Stone so far but have far more to go on that.  I happened onto a Programme from Aljazeera last night - a South African chat show and a chap called Tim Noakes was on there talking about diet and he very much promoted the Atkins / Tim Ferris approach but more that that went on to explain some of the interesting facts around the food and drugs industries.  Look him up on the Internet - he is a University Professor in South Africa.

As an approach it makes perfect sense to me and you can see where all these processed foods start to give you trouble.  

I start week 4 of the diet tomorrow and I'm hoping for yet more improvement although I have a number of functions coming up that will challenge me - I was able last week to only eat those things I'm allowed to and refused the others.  I feel pretty good about that and I know that in keeping to this diet (this time) I should be able to get back into my clothes!  

I've had a relatively good week this week but I've been occupied and not disturbed too much so that's probably what it is - my mind being off things.

Turning Out To Be An Expensive Week

This time at the Dentist :-(  All looked OK until the mention of a small blister which looks to be from the tooth adjacent to the Root Canal filled one.  At one point it looked as if that one was due out but a trace dye and X-Ray sorted that out and found another two fillings!  So Root Canal to see if the Tooth can be saved and clear the wee blister.  Then a further two refills for loose or potentially loose ones.  

I've got the estimate so Mrs. F. took a sharp intake of breath when she saw that. 

Had a long chat with my business partner - we are both having the frustration of trying to do something new that isn't "going back" on what we did, in other words, we want something to build on what we did in the last few years.  

I'm having some doubts about quite what I want to do but hey ho, I'm pressing onwards and let's see what happens.

Observations

• After a while you forget you had bladder cancer for hours and sometimes a whole day.  
• I find myself talking about having had a serious illness or major incident in my life rather than saying Cancer - not because I don't want to say it but that I don't want to alarm the person I'm with
• On reflection, looking at photos and thinking back - I did look like sh1t when I was ill.  Sorry I looked grey and drawn even though I kept a good sense of humour my looks betrayed what was happening to me.
• I am a little crazier than I used to be and in some ways it doesn't matter - one day I will act my age but I fear that is many years away
• Whilst I'm confident about the future - I'm going to have one for some sort of time, I'm actually hiding the fear that I will be "got" next time as I escaped this time - survivor syndrome.

Anyhow enough for now - just a few observations 

Car Fixed

Expensive to get things done these days and a new battery for the car was "reassuringly expensive".  If I get this job it comes with a car (or the money) and so I can probably have a think about that then.  If of course they get back to me!  At the moment it is just over the week so we will see, they are apparently notoriously slow in getting people in via the normal process.

So onto more mundane stuff.  A little later today I'm off with Flocky Bicep to a meeting over in Berkshire.  I've been to the centre we are going to before - it's built like a prison block :-)  At least the cars are safe given the number of CCTV cameras they have there!  

I'm progressing with getting my music library into some semblance of order.  I am only up to the letter C but that includes all my Classical Music of which I have a large collection.  After that I should race through until I get to the Films and Soundtracks section which also has a lot as well as Jazz.  At least I've worked out that I can selectively index the sections so that is helping loading and unloading.

I'm pleased with my diet - in fact I'll see later if I can fit into my suit again - I wasn't able to 2 weeks ago which really spurred me on to get back to a proper diet.  I've lost around 1/2 a stone but the main thing is that my Stomach is contracting and the flabby bits either side have all but gone now (Love Handles as they are sometimes called).  I've lost some weight off my hips too and a little around my neck.  Hopefully it can be steady progress from here.  Tonight will be a challenge as there will be bread and cheese and other forbidden stuff - I will make sure I don't touch them.

The Trouble With Extreme Cold

Is it picks out when there is a small problem and makes it worse.  My car decided that enough was enough and the battery gave up on me on Saturday morning.  Normally I'd shrug that off but this was the one day a year I may have got to see my wider family and for the last 2 years I haven't been and so I was determined to go but was really worried about the overnight forecast which was for between 2 and 4 inches of snow!!  However I guessed that if I got up at 6:30 and it was snowing well the day wouldn't happen but as it happened rain had been and so all was set.  I was going to go and get the HS1 Javelin Train to Stratford (Where the Olympics were held) and walk to the School (I helped to build years ago) and on the way have a slap up breakfast.

However, I got in the car only to have it just click and then whir at me :-(  I tried it a few more times but it's pretty obvious what it is.  I rang the garage (eventually) and they will hopefully come out tomorrow or Tuesday to sort it out.   

So on Saturday I eventually took myself to the Post Office to pay in some cheques and then but some Wine Gums that I then consumed on a walk down to the Doctor's surgery to put in my repeat prescription.  I then tried to call Mrs. F. as agreed but couldn't get through - she was vacuuming.  So I walked home and then we agreed to go out for a spot of lunch which was nice.

I did next to nothing today for some reason I'd knocked all the get up and go out of myself but I think it is really that I was disappointed about Saturday and also just a little down.  I'm focussing on getting my record collection sorted out as I've realised what a bad job I have done cataloguing and indexing it these past months I've been making all the vinyl, cassettes and CDs electronically accessible.  So far it seems that whilst I've transferred the music successfully I've been less than successful in identifying the year, genre, album and even the proper name of the band or artist.  A brief indexing audit has thrown up a lot of anomalies I need to deal with but I have a nice bit of software caller tagscanner that helps a lot although it does like to crash once a day on me.  It takes a good hour to re-build the index which is a nuisance but once done I can do multiple changes and it automatically does certain tasks for me too - capitalisation, file renaming etc.

It will be a week on from the interview and I wait to hear what may have happened.  I spoke to Mrs. F. about some ideas I have to progress things and will see what she makes of them in the weeks to come.

Ah Sonos

I'm a happy bunny as my Sonos 5 arrived today and after 10 minutes setting it up I was able to thump out some of my tunes from it via my mobile phone - how neat is that?  :-)

It's one of those gadgets that actually work straight out of the box with minimal interference and so far, so good.  I now realise that my indexing of my music really is pants and so I need to spend a bit more time sorting that out - I'm using a thing called Tagscanner but with over 30,000 tracks and counting, it is hard work to make sure that I keep on top of it.  It's silly things like capitalisation and where full stops and commas are used as well as other little nuances with saving the files.  Anyway - at least I can see what I need to do and can get on top of that in stages.

I am hoping that the bad weather that is due overnight will not be as bad as they say so I can get out and go up to London to my Family History AGM which for one reason and another I've missed the last two years!  Fingers crossed.

I've lost three inches off my middle, an inch off my hips and around 1/2 stone in two weeks which I am pretty chuffed at - I think I've lost about 1/2 Inch around my neck too.  The diet can be a bit boring but tomorrow is cheat day - I have to get up early to grab some breakfast before I go and can then just pig out for the rest of the day :-)

Feeling up beat at the moment but I need to put some time into sorting out accounts and the like next week.  Now I've got my go anywhere speaker system there's no reason I cannot work on the dining room table and spread out with my music thumping away at the same time :-)

I'm feeling so much better than I was earlier on in the year - it goes like this - up and down - that's the roller coaster.

Don't Annoy Mrs. F.

She really laid into the Credit Card Company who have now, after 20 years with them, been given their marching orders despite them trying to calm her down and crediting her back extra interest they'd claimed after a f*** up with the bank and their internal systems last month that meant we had to do some emergency payments and then they baulked the electronic transfer and charged us again - bunch of shisters. 

So Mrs. F. blew her top at them and when they kept lumping out the same old drivel she told them where they can stick it - good for her.  I've got to run around changing a number of things tomorrow but that's no hardship.  I think we will have a bit of fun with the letter to them telling them how not to keep a customer but then again they have thousands of other customers and losing a long term customer probably isn't too much of a worry to them.  But they are a bunch of tossers and hopefully the new cards and arrangements we have arrived at will see us OK in the future.

Nice one - I'd hate to be on the end of a Mrs. F. Rant :-)  Mind you - you haven't seen me go for someone either - that's exciting too :-)  I remember withdrawing all my funds from a bank as one of the Tellers gave us a funny look as if we couldn't afford a mortgage and said something similar so I withdrew all my savings - that shocked the little pratt when he realised I had enough to buy half the house - so he called the manager and I had much pleasure explaining in a slightly too loud voice about how badly I'd been treated and that the Teller didn't think we would have enough to raise a Mortgage.  He looked stupid, the manager looked furious and I took my money out anyway as a point of order.  Then went around the corner to another bank showed them the cheque and asked if I were to deposit this amount would they consider a chat about a mortgage - you'd be surprised how quickly they responded.

Anyhow - glad she's in bed and not ranting - it was quite frightening :-)

Digitise My Life

Now I have the Server setup for the house and all the back up and stuff working nicely I've decided to take the plunge and put all my music online too.  I've invested in a WiFi bridge and a Speaker system from Sonos which I can operate by PC, Smartphone or one of the girl's tablets.  As it is WiFi I can take it into different rooms and play music anywhere in the house.  It also connects to Internet Radio.  I've missed my HiFi system and I just don't play enough of my stuff on the Surround Sound system which is stuck connected to the TV.

So I'm looking forward to being able to stream my music to any room in the house and to control it by genre, artist etc.  Cool.

Beginning to notice the weight coming off this week - same as last time with the good old love handles going first and the stomach becoming less intrusive.  Still a long way to go but hopefully if I can continue this I can bring my weight down to more acceptable levels.

Feeling OK at the moment which is good.  Haven't been down for a week or so which pleases me.

All Work and No Play

Mrs. F. is once again working on her day off that's twice now and with hardly seeing her at the weekend and (let's not forget) I'm a feature in the house, we still hardly ever see each other.

It's a bit annoying - not that I'm possessive or particularly demanding  in anyway, I certainly don't need attention but it would be nice to spend more than 5 or 10 minutes a week together!  

Somehow I'm feeling that this particular job I'm after isn't the right thing to do for me but it will at least get me out of the house 12 or more hours a day and just leave weekends to sort out.  Perhaps that's not the right way to look at it but it may settle things or start to.

Interview - Maybe

An interesting telephone interview this morning to check that I aligned with some core competencies and now I have to wait possibly a couple of week to see if they will proceed further. Interesting.

The snow is still hanging around and we expect more - it of disrupts loads of stuff and travel is a nightmare.  I will see if we are going to meet tonight - I'd call it off as there will hardly be enough of us to make a quorum I would guess.

Yes indeed we got snow

Nowhere near as bad as we have had before but as usual the railways managed to screw up meaning A had a long journey home and spent over 3 hours by various means to get home and looking at their performance I doubt things will be a lot better when everyone gets back to work tomorrow.  I know I've had some journeys from hell but surely in these days of technology and surely having learnt from the past they are able to actually do something about it.  Obviously not!  In some ways though I shouldn't be surprised.

I have my Interview in about 9 hours time.  The upside is it is by phone so no worries about the weather there.  I have an invite to go for a lunchtime drink too so I may take that up if I feel I have been successful in the interview.  Can you believe it that I re-checked the email they sent me out and the link still doesn't work.  How shoddy is that?  So that's why things don't surprise me any more even top world class businesses have staff that aren't above average I'd say.

I need to get an appointment with my Doctor and with my Dentist and so I'll plan to nail that this week and I've a few other things that need sorting too.  Hopefully I will get around to them soon. 

I worked out that I spent 5 minutes with Mrs. F this weekend and perhaps 15 minutes in total if you include sitting down to lunch as time spent.  She did sit in the living room at one time but read her book and didn't utter a word.  Was she out all weekend?  No of course not for once I was home all weekend so it is a pretty remarkable feat given we were locked in the house that we hardly saw or spoke to each other in all that time!  

Oh well better get to bed so as to be a bit bright and breezy for my interview later.

Snow - Well I guess so

We have some snow but it looks more like Ice will be the issue.  It's been fine snow blown around in very strong winds.  Mind you is has disrupted a lot of the transport system yet again....

I got the next step of my interview process coming up on Monday which is good - a telephone interview this time - again that's good and we will just have to see how it goes from there.  I suppose the results weren't too bad after all?  

The nice thing is that it is conducted on the phone and that means that I don't have to have the stress of trying to get to an appointment when the weather is bad.

Interesting Day Coming Up

It will be interesting to see what they make of my varied test results but today is going to be interesting as I'm catching up with an old work colleague. He has moved down to Rye which is a lovely village in East Sussex - I'd like to live there myself.  I have early memories of family holidays and outings - to nearby Camber Sands where we really did have SANDwiches for lunch :-)

We are expecting some sort of snow event tomorrow and we are getting warned that it will be like 2012 or some other disaster movie but - it's just snow!  A few flakes and the country comes to a standstill!

I am gradually getting my record, cassette and CD collection sorted out and catalogued - I was surprised at how much I actually have.  So far I have over 25,000 tracks on the server!  That was a surprise but, then again, being a DJ many years ago, I suppose I shouldn't be.

The sun is out today but it mush be -4 or -5 out there :-)  So a crisp walk off to lunch...

My general outlook is quite good at the moment and the diet appears to have taken a good inch of perhaps more off of my stomach already so encouraging signs there.

Test Results

Well it's official - I'm a bit on the thick side on one of the tests and a little better than thick on the other one.  Fair enough, let's see if it daunts them to speak to me.

Had a crazy day all around today - I am trying to get my music off of Vinyl, Tape and CD and onto my Server.  This is OK but it is taking a lot of time to do.  I've also now realised that I should be indexing the tracks a bit better and have a piece of software to do that - great - however when you consider that I have close to 26,000 tracks already electronically recorded it is taking me some time to index, re index, merge duplicates etc.

Diet is taking hole nicely now and I'm beginning to get myself into the flow of drinking plenty of water and of eating the same things over and over again - until Saturday that is when I can take a bit of a rest.  I'm out tomorrow to the local pub and so I need to make sure that I'll be on my Red Wine regime and also just have to be careful what I eat.

Feeling quite well and that may be because I've got some things sorted, the diet has started working and other factors.

Not too bad

I only managed about 2 thirds of the numeracy test before it timed out - shame really but the language these people use makes comprehension difficult.  I hate some of the old tosh they come out with but there you go.  It was interesting that I finished the verbal reasoning test in short order - 3 and a half minutes early - I could have gone back and flaffed around I suppose but was happy with most of my answers  - or as happy as I can be.  Mind you like all these things they'll get enough data from the bits I've done to take it to the next stage.

So let's now see if takes 3 months to get an interview....

Finally

We get around to doing these tests - what has it been?  It feels like three months to me - certainly since October I've been waiting on them - unbelievable really.  Anyway - I will make time this afternoon and go through the tests and see how I get on.

It's one of those things that I find surprisingly stressful as I don't tend to work like most people on these sorts of things - I can work quite fast and accurate but these tests, from what I see, aren't really aimed at Program Managers and Directors - they look more like Accountant style questions but hey ho, let's see what they actually appear like on the day.

Just need to get in the zone for them and get no interruptions and noise and as both girls are around and one of their boyfriends I need to make sure they keep out of sight.

Strange Behaviour

I guess I've grown up as an early adopter of technology and so email and spreadsheets and word-processing are familiar every day things I do so it always amuses me when I get emailed something (invoices in this case) and then get them posted to me as well.  I mean why would you do that?  They are so funny and so very quaint.

One of my old bosses printed out every email (or rather his Secretary did) and then he scrawled the responses and let his Secretary answer his emails.  Different - we weren't allowed to do that  but he was - used to make me laugh anyway.

So - what has today been like?  I still feel a little bit hungry which means I just need to adjust my diet to take on board some more food (yes some more).  You shouldn't get hungry at all but you shouldn't over eat either.  It was quite an interesting day today and I managed to do pretty well with the food I had available - tomorrow will be interesting and I'm looking forward to being creative with the same old ingredients.

Monday Diet Progresses

Still a slight headache which I think is normal for changing your diet and shifting the emphasis towards a slow carb regime.  So breakfast this morning was 3 boiled eggs, mushrooms  spinach and Adzuki beans.  Very nice apart from busting an egg over my hands... 

Funnily enough I'm feeling good and got on with a load of treasurer's work this morning counting the money and sorting out cheque in, payments out etc.  We have a dusting of snow this morning and are expecting a lot more later in the day and the week if the Met Office are to be believed - how these people can predict anything with any degree of accuracy amazes me - we were going to have a drought this time last year and it was almost the wettest year on record.  Let's hope our feeble transport system can also cope with the 3 or 4mm of Snow we have at the moment!

Finally got the link through to do my tests - will have a go at those tomorrow I think and see where we go from there.

Also - drinking loads of ice cold water - by product is many trips to the toilet but keeping the bladder irrigated is a good thing of course.

Not So Bad

I cracked on with the diet this morning and so far so good.  I feel a little hungry but then realised that the family meal had no carbs at all so probably where that was missing.

I just need to keep my discipline now and get this weight loss started - I did really well last time and I just need to continue without distraction and follow my plan.

Interestingly enough I've had a bit of a headache today - I don't normally get them - it can be part of the change in diet which is quite sudden.  

Oh well, let's see how we do.

Diet Starts in 5 minutes

Yes indeed I've been out all day on Saturday to two meetings and had two enormous meals and plenty to drink.  I'm definitely ready to start a weight loss programme now and get back to where I was around about April last year.  

Of course it is a matter of just setting out a new way of living and I need to get straight onto the diet in the morning and to make sure that I follow it strictly.  I suppose if it hadn't of been for breaking the habit in April. May and June/July of last year with Dad being ill and all I'd be at least 3 or 4 stone lighter than I am now.  I have a goal to be lighter but I haven't set an ideal weight - I think perhaps I need to think about that in the next week or two.

AT LAST I have the opportunity to complete the tests for the potential job interview.  Diplomatically I could call it a series of unfortunate incidents but really it is incompetence at its worst level.

It was nice to get a lift home in my friends Bentley Continental though :- )  What a lovely car!

Burn's Supper

Well it was very nice indeed and a nice price too considering we had plenty of whisky (malt whisky) to go with the meal of Cock-A-Leekie Soup, Haggis Neaps and Tatties and Plum Duff followed by Chesses and Biscuits.  They even included wine too.

Well - it was just one of those really enjoyable nights and the Lodge members went way knowing that they had put on a great show for us and we had all enjoyed ourselves.

Was nice that Flocky gave me a lift home too as we managed to have a bit of a chat.

Off to bed now and hope to get a good night's sleep - heard bad news today about Wilko Johnson diagnosed with Terminal Pancreatic Cancer.  He is an amazing guitarist and one of the first bands we followed when we were 15 or 16 years old at the local school.  The trouble with Pancreatic Cancer is that it really does have a very poor rate.

It was nice to see some very old friends tonight and we had some chats about "the old times".  It is such a shame that these guys don't get out and about anymore - I enjoyed their company and so it was a pleasure to meet them again tonight.  I suppose I ought to go to them if they can't come to me?

A Lot Better Today

How could it possibly be any worse?  I at least had something constructive to do and went to see a car for my cousin who lives some 200 miles away.  It was a nice trip out and an easily found place and nice little car too.

Back home and going to get ready to go out shortly.  I will probably take a relaxing walk down to the hall and there is a meeting and Burns Supper to be had which I will hopefully enjoy with some of my mates.

I need to motivate myself to get doing things and in some way next week will be good as I will be able to concentrate on getting back on my diet, getting fit and that should also improve my general well being - carrying all this excess weight isn't good for me either.  I'm going to go back to the Tim Ferriss 4 hour body diet which is a modified type of Atkins diet and I hope that it will be equally as good as last year when I did it up until the time of running up and down and seeing my dad.  I just fell out of the habit but this time I think I should be able to stick to it and I also have a strategy to stick to the diet whilst out and about.  It's all about sticking to the plan and last time I did it the pounds just dropped away like magic.  I suppose the only concern has to be if I do end up working in an office environment again quite how I'll work it but I'm sure there are ways around it.

The key thing is to make sure that I have goals to achieve and that I keep myself focussed on them.  

An All around Horrible Day

I have been in a horrible place all day - not I hasten to say the despair and Black Dog of previous years.  No, this is more concerning really it is something to do with what lies ahead and I was in mini panic attack mode on a couple of occasions over things that hadn't happened (and aren't likely to either).  I was able to work my way through things today and that got me through but did warn Mrs. F. of the terrible place I had been and the shortness of breath and suffocating feelings really weren't needed.

It's probably a good thing as a reminder why I'm going on a diet, beginning to sort out getting a job (or not) and all those good things.  I'm surprised that since I got cancer that I'm like this as I didn't expect to be having depression and similar episodes but in my own way I think this is all telling me that I need to stop the procrastination and sort things out one way or the other.  I need to have some uncomfortable conversations.  I've been trying like crazy to make changes but it hasn't really made much difference to me or those around me.  Perhaps it's best just to tackle the problems head on.  Much as I prefer this, most people don't and I realise that I'm clinical, direct and non emotional about things that probably need tact, diplomacy and and a certain amount of political dancing.  Trouble is, the message can be lost that way.  

Tomorrow I'm off on an errand which will be a good distraction to check out a car for my cousin and later in the day I am off to a Burns Supper which will also be nice.  Hopefully I'll be in a better frame of mind at the end of it.

Nasty Start

I feel absolutely horrible this morning.  Just dreadful, I've gone from being really positive this week to suddenly having a mini panic attack in the bedroom and needing to get up and moving.  I had sudden forward flashes of not wanting to attend a couple of meetings due this Saturday to just wanting to be out of the house and breathing properly.

I'm calmed down now - it didn't take long to reason with myself but I'm really emotional and upset now although I feel in control.  I'm guessing I've kicked out an adrenalin surge in a fight or flight sort of way and that's coursing around my body with no where to go.

In many ways the diet can't start soon enough for me - I'm starting this Sunday and neither can the benefits that will bring with a healthier lifestyle, less weight, some exercise and I hope some sort of distancing myself away from these claustrophobia attacks.  These little panic attacks are quite disturbing even though I know them to be based on nothing and have no grounding in fact, they are just something my sub concious is torturing me with.

The Thick Plottens

For such is the strange world that is employment.  Someone wants me to work for them, their HR department are spending an age getting me sorted out for a basic test that is a bit of a laugh as if I didn't have these basic skills (this is normally for graduates) I'd never have the CV and experience I do. I've left them to go internal warfare whilst they sort this out amongst themselves.

I find it amusing that even some of the best names in the industry are as bad as each other.  Corporates are just awful sometimes internally.  I've hated this sort of stuff all my life but hey, they might just give me a job and I might just enjoy it and who knows, it might sort my sorry arse out and stop me floundering around.

I' just wish they'd hurry up and sort themselves out so I can take the damn exams and then get on with the interviews.  

Facing Your Demons

I still think about my cancer every day and it's not what you might think - it's not a self pity thing or anything like that.  It's more how lucky I am and also most of the time it is something reminding me about it but I don't look back to the really bad times or at least not a lot.  Occasionally I get a reminder of those times and whilst I've considered how other people reacted I've never really explored it.

If I can make an observation about people in general (so it is a generalisation).  I find that they tend to assume a lot and don't understand why you aren't grieving (in the case of my dad), in some sort of ecstasy for beating my cancer nor can they understand why my hair didn't drop out with the treatment - so many things are stereotyped and expected and if you "act" outside of the norm they don't get it.  I'm sure that some want you to perhaps deliver some sort of uplifting message for the assembled to take away about how you beat the Big C.  

Today I read a blog from someone who is coming to terms with their imminent demise and how they are combating the pain and how the family members are now beginning to come apart at the seams.  You can't be a hard bastard all the time and despite what you may think, many people have a stake in you, your health and well-being.  I can see his problem and he's talking about funeral details, number of cars, music and all that.  In a way I'd have liked my dad to have left a few notes for guidance but there you go.  I've written some notes myself which are sufficiently woolly so as to allow those left behind to do what they'd like - it's not as if I'm going to be bothered.

I've blanked a lot of the nasty stuff away and hidden it somewhere stored away and try not to remember the operations nor the BCG treatments.  They are the things that saved my life of course and so you can't dismiss them as such but the truth is that they weren't pleasant and added to the stress of the diagnosis they are some of the low points.  I can't say that I was in much pain - some but not a huge amount although the treatments, as I've often said, aren't for sissies.   It also depended on how your body reacted on a particular day as to how you'd feel.  

When I get these flashbacks (for that is how they appear) they are very disturbing indeed.  I don't know if they are exaggerated or whether they are realistic?  I don't recollect if I was just manning up for the treatments and operations or whether they were that nasty and I blocked it out.   What I do know is that they often catch me unaware as did that blog this morning.  Just reading the issue he was having to deal with and suddenly it all came back to me like a wave.  It was quite upsetting and made me feel really sad and a little ill at the same time.  

Funny Thing

Ended up having a beer and chatting and the lads told me about a chap I sort of know and they were discussing his cancer and operation and how he now has to have enzyme tablets etc.  Then they suddenly recollected that I had been ill and the dynamics changed and it was a strange thing to hear how many see Cancer as a death sentence.  It is 50/50 I believe with this other chap but he's had radical surgery and ongoing treatment and only time will tell with that but of course I was the living proof that you can survive it.

Of course I still think that it's coming back to get me at any time :-)  Such is the impression it can make on you.

Voldemort

Interesting that people wouldn't say his name in the Harry Potter books/films.  It's similar in the Cancer world or is that the "C" world.  No one likes to use the word at all and I suppose we can all understand that - it has bad memories for very many people and we all know someone who has had it or died from it and so it strikes fear into people.

I get asked "how is you little problem?" which isn't quite the sort of thing you'd ask a gentleman now is it? :-)  "Are you alright now after your experience?" but no one mentions Cancer directly.  

So that's just one of those observations that is ongoing as I remember early on finding that no one really wanted to say the word - I wonder if they didn't want to upset me?  Perhaps. 

And once again the link doesn't work

It drives you mad doesn't it but I guessed that the link to the test wouldn't work as it has been over 10 days and it just had to be.  So I swatted up this morning and was ready to take the test and it didn't let me.  Oh well - perhaps another day when they issue the next link.

At least I have some idea what will be in front of me.  These tests are actually quite difficult to do with distractions and so I need to lock myself in and concentrate on them as there are a number of areas you can easily trip up on.

Feeling OK still which is good, my spirits are up and once I get myself motivated I can really get moving along - the maths tests are fine but I take a while to get cracking at those.  I think I need to get myself some squared paper for that but verbal reasoning I seemed to do OK in although the way the questions are constructed isn't the way I talk or think but there you go, a means to an end.

I will proceed with this application and see where it leads me.  I don't have high expectations for it as I had already dismissed it last year.  I also turned down another opportunity today but I really didn't fancy a 60 mile trek around the M25 (each way) each day and also knowing that the money would be half of that with this present job.

If I get this job so be it but I'm thinking that it may not happen and so I can fall back on plan B.  The former makes things easier in some ways and puts me on a footing to control my destiny a bit.  The trouble is, I'm not certain that I really, deep in my heart, want to go back to doing what I used to.  I may have been "born for the role" but it doesn't mean that it will be the right thing to do.  It may be the right thing for the wrong reason for example.  Oh well let's see how it pans out.

The Gap Between

It struck me tonight that there is quite a gap between what I want or like to do and what actually happens.  For example, I really fancy going out a couple of nights a week to have a meal or go to some live music or just for a beer and I'm the only person in the house that does nights during the working week.  Most are in their PJs at 9:00 and off to bed not much later.  Me - I can do 11 or later most nights always been able to and can just about do that still.  Used to do it after 10 or 11 hour days too.  No need to look at why my lifestyle may have contributed to early onset of cancer I suppose.

However, here I am looking at the extra time I've been given and thinking I ought to do something with it and yet it's just me that wants to or has the inclination.  I don't abuse this and in fact more often than not I stay in even though it gets like a ghost town shortly after 9 at night.  I like the fact that I'm told how tiring this all is for them when I regularly used to be up at 4:30 and home at 11 or later day after day :-) 

I think this will make for an interesting conversation for us to have.  It occurs to me that this is also one of those incompatibles that needs to be dealt with.

I'm feeling a lot better in myself at the moment and hope that continues a little longer than usual and I can stay up for a while.

Starting the process

It's amazing that some 2 or 3 months ago someone asked me if I was looking for a job and we started this process off.  Now, finally, I get the link to read what they want me to do after it taking an absolute age.  So now I've read it I can perhaps go for these tests tomorrow as they are only 20 minutes each and I might just run a few exercises first.  That is if the link is still working.

It's taken about 6 weeks to get the link sorted so I kind of wonder what value HR bring to the party - from what I've seen - they delay things so long that half the candidates probably don't want to continue the process but there you go.

Anyway, let's see what happens.

2013 - Let's See What You Bring

Don't feel too bad this morning and we didn't overdo the drinks last night as Mrs. F. had to run A to Heathrow so she can go to New York for a holiday.   The 2nd time she has been to NY and this time she is with her boyfriend rather than her aunt who previously held her up from doing what she really wanted to do.  She's there for 10 days I think and so she will be able to fit in a lot more than she previously did.

I'm tackling my diary at the moment and then I'm going to work out what I want to do in the next few days.  I have a number of important things to sort out not least of which is to get some accounts into regular order.  It is a nuisance that we haven't been given a decent set of model accounts to use and so I have had to build up my own set and use those.   I need to adjust them now to make them more user friendly - they work for me but are hideously complicated where I'm sure a few tweaks could make them easy to use.

I've this set of mini exams to take which I might tackle tomorrow and I have to work on clearing the decks to start my diet etc.  That's all very well but the food that we have left over from Christmas and the New Year will need to be frozen or eaten first.

The sun is shining at last and things always look pretty good when it does.  Having had rain for what feels like 11 of the last 12 months it really is a nice start to the year.  Resolutions for this year are few really - I need to sort myself out and try and work out what the hell I want to do with myself and perhaps who I want to do that with.

All the best for 2013 - Happy New Year!