Flexible Cystoscopy - All Clear and No Stinging

I thought I'd write this quickly as for the first time ever, I've not had any stinging or any pain following my flexible Cystoscopy so maybe this may help for anyone in the future going through it.

Firstly, it is most important that you relax when having the procedure.  Today I was with my new friend and partner P who accompanied me (I normally go alone).  SHe is a very calming influence but we talked about yoga breathing and so I did my usual deep breathing exercises breath in, hold for a long slow count of three and slowly exhale.  Whilst I knew I was tense I made a real effort to de-stress as I went into the room.  Relaxing isn't easy I grant you but I'm an old campaigner now and I know what to expect.   

I use stress balls to grip onto but I relaxed my body.  It feels like you want to urinate when they put the scope in and so I just went with that as if I was urinating and just let it go.  Things were fine even my consultant noted how relaxed I was.  The whole procedure was over and done with - it was as usual uncomfortable but not painful.

P told me to use Arnica which is what she used with her eye operations.  I'm a bit of a sceptic but had two lots (2 tabs under tongue) last night, One lot first thing and one just before the procedure (alongside my usual 2 paracetamol and 2 ibuprofen).  I had two more as I was driving home and I have to say it seems to have worked wonders.  I have just been to the toilet and lo and behold no intense stinging at all.  You can feel it is different but no stinging which is amazing as I've never had that before.

So there we go - another 6 months, another all clear and life carries on - which is great.  

Belongings

I popped around to see Mrs. F. who has sold the house and has found a new place, a lot smaller, to live in.  I feel bad about it but there you go, it's progress.  I had to be in attendance to make sure that the Piano was moved out and it has gone to its new home in Sussex.

I then had to go through a lot of my stuff to see what I want to keep and so on.  I've taken photos and so on to allow that to happen.  As Mrs. F. will move to a smaller place there is a lot of furniture that she just wont need - it wont fit and I'm not sure about the total cost of storage for it either.  It's a bit of a catch 22 as I want to keep my books but do I want to store the bookcases.  In a few months the cost of storage will reach the cost of buying new.... So I'm having to do an exercise to rationalise all these thoughts.  I do hope to keep the Victorian Table and Chairs - it seats 14 and is built, as were all things in those days, to last.  

At least things are moving on that front.

Judgement day looms and I hope that it goes well for what else can you do?  I'm not being as rigid with my diet as I should but I'm back to losing weight gradually and sensibly now that P is healthy and has put some weight back on.

I've also been lumbered with a number of little jobs that are stealing my time when I should be launching my business....  The worry is that the money I have left is evaporating a little too fast for my liking but it is controllable - just.  More effort after this week is essential.

Six Days to Judgment Day

Judgement Day (shamelessly stolen from Steve's blog HERE!) is just 6 days away.  I can feel the tension rising.  I know that I've actually not stuck as rigidly to my diet as I should have although I'm now getting back on track.  It's very difficult to be looking after someone and feeding them up and at the same time trying not to feed yourself up.

Both P and I have been in the wars as such and She will be attending Hospital the day before me to see how her Cataract Operation has worked out.  She doesn't think it is anywhere near an improvement which is a worry as after her Detached Retina Op, the Cataract grew rapidly :-(

The next morning it is my turn to get checked out.  I can feel some tension no matter how "well" I feel.  It is interesting though that for the past few weeks I've been having the hot flushes I had when I had treatment - that's weird indeed.

Life is indeed crazy and we were away this week to Cambridge to see L my youngest daughter's Graduation - which was a wonderful affair although she managed to send me to the wrong end of Cambridge altogether so I had to rush to get to the Ceremony in the centre where I hadn't long been before.  It was a day of being in the wrong place at the wrong time as P was then waiting for me in the centre of Cambridge and I was back on the outskirts as the second part of the celebrations were held on Campus.   

It is always nice to be in Cambridge though, I like it but I'm not sure I'd like to live there, it is just so busy with tourists, locals and of course, students.

What On Earth Has Happened To Me

My life is in utter turmoil - lol.  Goodness knows I don't know what day it is, what month it is or anything some days and the emotional roller coaster of being back in a relationship is not doing my INTJ personality any good at all.  

I'm not very good on the emotional (someone else's) point and things are often awkward and difficult as I just don't "get" what the problem is.  It's very difficult when you hear a statement and take it on board rather than emphasising with that person.  I mean, if you have a headache and tell me well that's a fact and that's that.  Apparently not!  I'm meant to do something with that data rather than just noting it.

Maybe I'll get the hang of that later on in the relationship.  It's pretty much up most of the time with the occasional OMG moments....

I'm sure it will be OK in the long run - if I ever work out what the signals actually are :-)

Where is time going to?

Back from France, went up North to my cousin's for his 40th birthday then he came down here. P had her Cataract operation on Tuesday and now I've got my Flexible Cystoscopy on the 24th October at silly O'Clock - well it is 9:15 but it is at the same place I went to last time and so I need to make sure I get there on time.  It is a bit difficult as it is near Croydon which can be a bit busy at rush hour.

The last time I went was earlier this year and I got there nice and early and sat in the car with my music so it wasn't so sad.  This time P says she will come with me - not sure about that as I've been on my own many times before and I'm a bit quiet and grumpy - oh well let's see how that goes.

Head spinning times

Good grief where did that month go?  France for 2 1/2 weeks, a quick turnaround and off to my mum's then on to my cousin's.  What a month.  It doesn't stop there, we are off again to Canterbury for a wedding soon too......

In amongst all of this I'm about to launch www.unlockmypast.com and at the same time P and I are having serious discussions about the road ahead!  It's time for some key decisions about what we want to do, where we want to go and so on.  It's a matter of nailing our colours to the mast and just getting on with it.  From my side I'm beginning to squeak as my money goes out and little comes in although I do have my first 2 paid jobs! At least it is a start and I'm hoping that P & I can get this up and running fast.  We are also looking at the long term and what we want.

Mrs. F. has put the house up for sale and let's hope that it gets some interest.  It would be good if we can get some takers and perhaps I can then start to sort myself out on that front too.

Anyway - it's nice to be busy and it's nice to finally be getting somewhere with the business but the social life is really getting in the way - I just haven't stopped for months - it's great but so time consuming too :-)

Onwards and upwards and let's also hope that my Cystoscope appointment will come through quickly too.  I really want to get that over and done with sooner rather than later.

Try Before You Buy?

I got in BIG trouble for saying that but in some ways I felt that P would be able to see me in a different/new light on holiday and could make her mind up about me.  In some ways I suppose it is a bit of a crude way of saying that it was a bit of an acid test.

Well, we didn't kill each other but neither was it totally plain sailing either, it wasn't likely to be we are quite similar/different (yes I know).  We are very similar in some ways and diametrically different in others.  But having said that, it is never going to be plain and simple - ever.

We had a great holiday in the French Pyrenees with some amazing times and lovely memories especially driving through the Gorges around the studio where we stayed.  We start next week (we have to go to a 40th Birthday this weekend and so are off again!) building the business and I hope a new life.  We are certainly far more comfortable with each other and chilled after the holiday but wished that it could have been a week or perhaps even two longer.

We had a small, intimate Studio apartment, a small plunge pool and were in a very small, off the beaten track French Village of just a few dozen inhabitants and the occasional car would drive by counted on the fingers of one hand in a day.  Just idyllic and just right.

I'm now doing 15 days washing and ironing :-) There's always a down side.

Whilst I was away the Hospital rang with an Appointment for a Flexible Cystoscopy resulting from a cancellation - that was a shame because I would have taken that but now have to wait my turn.  P had her Cataract operation cancelled and moved back a few weeks now too and so we will both be having procedures in around October I guess.

Here are some photos of the Studio.....

So France = Here We Come

At last the eve of going to France - gee, it's been a wobbly old ride for me - I'm used to structure and order and this hasn't been structured and ordered but we are getting there.  To consider that at one time I got two days notice to go a week and a half I suppose has been good even though I've had to expand the time we are away as P doesn't really do early mornings.  Me, I'm used to them and getting up at 4 or earlier are OK.  Tomorrow it's a leisurely start and a slow drive down to Le Shuttle and then down to Chartres.

The next day down to Cahors and the next day into the Pyrenees.  I'm looking forward to some real time with P and for us to start to really get to know each other without some of the pressures we both have.

Mrs. F. has put the house on the market and has spoken to a solicitor and got some advice (it sounds good to me anyway) and hopefully we can get the sale of the house and all that good stuff under way.  That will make a big difference to me as I just frightened the life out of myself looking at my savings.  I've put a lot of my money into the business and into the house here (renting isn't a great idea!).   

The business should be ready to go when we get back and I'm targeting the 1st week in October.  I need to hit the Christmas market for unusual gifts I think and this may just be the right time to do that.  The web site is now visible to the outside world.....  Way Hay!!!

If you want to have a look here it is Unlock My Past - it works with smartphones and tablets (resizing) and I'm hopeful that it will soon start attracting visitors.  I may blog when I'm away, we have WiFi but in reality I hope I don't have time for that.  :-) 

2 days and a welcome break

Off on Thursday to France and taking it easy with a slow drive down there.  Not my preferred method - I like to do one long drive and one short but this way we are going to do a slow drive and take three days there and three days back.  It's a reasonable thing to do.

We, P & I, want to spend some real time together as we tend to be doing or tackling things mainly to do with her situation and a bit of mine and whilst we are together it is quite "business like" I suppose.  There's a number of things that need to be tackled including the business and how much effort needs to go into that.  Where to and how to live and so on.  At the moment we are, to all intents and purposes, living together but in a strange way as I am in a shared house with my friend and it isn't exactly how I want it to work either so perhaps we can work out all these things.  

We are now being addressed as a couple and have invites and the like from a number of people for both of us so it is all a bit strange I have to say :-) 

I'm sweating on some stuff from Amazon that I thought was under my Prime (next day) account but wasn't - I need it for the trip and so I have to make a few contingency plans in case they don't arrive today - they were all dispatched last week so fingers crossed. 

I'm feeling quite well but we've had the most incredible weekend including a trip to London where P had her bag stolen from right under our noses at the RA.  We've been at Local & Live most of the weekend and arriving home at 1 and then 2:30 a.m. on Saturday and Sunday and a late night on Friday, plus P was there (Local & Live) yesterday too.  Today we need to focus on getting the holiday stuff sorted.

I'm looking forward to the break without doubt but with some trepidation as I've had to change some arrangements after I'd made them.  Things are very different and P is nothing at all like Mrs. F. so I'm getting to know some of the idiosyncrasies that I've not had to deal with previously.

Time Warping

Both P and I looked at each other this morning and wondered where July had gone.  Better than that I asked, where has August gone?  It's absolutely crazy that we've been together for 16 weeks or 4 months or whatever and it doesn't feel like that at all.  We finally managed to book a holiday and we are off next week for a couple of weeks to the South of France in a small village and an isolated, private studio apartment overlooked by no one.  Just what we need to spend time with each other.

We strangely are in each others company all day but we have been "working" tackling day-to-day stuff and working through a number of issues which, happily, seem to be coming to an end.  That means when I get back I can concentrate on the business and we can get on with life.  Quite what that means to us we have yet to define.  It's very very very very strange.  Neither of us were looking for anything and yet here we are quite fixed and living together.  That's a worry in some ways as it is so quick and yet it seems all OK and comfortable.

The huge gaps in time are worrying though but I can see where they've actually gone as we've been tackling some pretty messy stuff and some of the decisions have had to take days to work through.

Health wise I'm OK but somewhat concerned at the burn rate of my cash.  However, I need to recommence working on my return from holiday and that's a given.  Let's hope that I can generate sufficient funds?

The next thing I need to do is to lose some of the weight I've put on.  I've been feeding P up as she had lost a lot of weight worrying about things.  Well she's responded quite well to my food.  the trouble is that so have I :-) lol.  So I'm putting myself on a diet and dropping the carbs that I share with her.  Hopefully I will be able to drop a fair amount as long as I don't end up drinking beer in between.

Hot Day

Phew - it's hot in my little office - the fan is working overtime - bless it!

Still no decisions on major things and it is a waiting game - it's annoying for a planner like me.  i like to know what is going on and plan things.  It destabilises me when I don't know - it really is difficult and it's obviously a clash when a planned person meets a "seat of the pants" person.  

P has been away most of today so I've got stuck into some administration work.  I've finished off cleaning up the garden and chopping back invading Ivy and Lobelia.  I've put a few beers in the Fridge - I really shouldn't be drinking but at the moment it keeps me distracted whilst stuff goes on around me.  These things aren't my decision to make, I can advise, I can empathise, strategise and theorise but I can't make the decisions. 

Apart from the destabilising effects I am looking forward to going away with P and just chiling out for a couple of weeks.  We seem to have done nothing but working and haven't spent much time with each other.

I hope that she makes her decisions tomorrow and we just move on with things.  I can then set to and plan the holiday and the travelling etc.  

New Phone, Nearer Some Planning

But not quite there yet.  The car went in for service and at last it was a reasonable amount of money to pay and just a few items needed to sort the car out.  It is now ready for a trip to France, if that is what actually happens.  It's all up in the air at the moment for sure.

Poor P has to have a Cataract removed before they see what progress the eye they operated on has made.  That can happen as soon as this Saturday but she needs to make that decision.  The next available dates would affect any holiday plans for this and next month as we are constrained by other dates.

We were meant to go this Thursday - but I've planned and booked nothing at all.  It's procrastination drawn out to its worst possible definition.  Difficult decisions do need to be made and I can appreciate that having made those decisions exactly 1 year ago today!  for it is a year ago that I told Mrs. F. that things were over.  Ironically I am meeting her at lunchtime today to discuss the house and children, finances and all those sorts of things.

It's been a strange journey and I'm a lucky in some ways to be at the start of a new journey although with the hindsight of a previous one!  

I'm keeping well and enjoying myself - as much as I can.  INTJ types really prefer some decisive actions and certainty which is giving me the problems at them moment.  

Wasp 1 Samsung Galaxy 0

I smashed the glass on my phone on Saturday swatting away a Wasp that had got close.   Normally my good old phone can take a knock but I managed to swat and then launch the phone a good 5 yards!  So I've just bought a Motorola G which is a nice phone and seems to do all I want without the iPhone/Samsung price tag.  So far, so good.  The migration app appears to work nicely, it syncs with Google nice and easily and brought over all my Apps too.  Clever.

Let's hope it lasts 2 1/2 years like my Samsung did.

Feeling OK but frustrated that I've not been able to book a holiday yet.  It's extremely difficult as P needs to sort some things out before I can.  The trouble is the date is heading towards us like a train and 8 days is  hardly long enough for me to organise things.  I know things can't be rushed but I'm a planner and don't like unnecessary stress added to trying to arrange things.

Is It The Weather?

I feel lethargic, unlike me (of late) to feel quite so tired and not up for much :-) 

I hope it is just a today thing as the weather is oppressive and humid as you like.  

Wobbles - even If you prepare yourself

Wobbles and little set backs come and go and July is a bad time for me whether I want it to be or not.

Things like:

2nd July - Bladder Cancer Symptoms present
3rd July - Dad died
4th July - my birthday
7th July - Doctor suggests I have Cancer
21st July - Diagnosed with Bladder Cancer
24th July - Bladder Saving (lifesaving) operation

It's 8 years for Bladder Cancer - I'm still here, I'm healthy, I'm happy and I've a new life awaiting me in the wings.  I have a nice lady friend to spend time with and life has new meaning and new purpose - that's great.

It's taking a long time to sort out P's issues but we are almost there now.  I hope we can get a holiday in and then launch the business as I'm getting itchy feet and really want to launch it and start generating some income.

I find myself in July wobbling about between highs and lows and this July is no different even though I prepared myself for it.

Onwards and Upwards!  :-) 

Kerbam

Ohh it's been a rocky few weeks.  Ups and downs abound.  What are the chances that one of P's friends is married to the brother of an old mate of mine who lived next to my first girlfriend?  I really didn't need my past to come out like that and suddenly everyone was interested and I really wasn't so that didn't go down well.  60 million people in the world and I happen to sit next to someone who knew me from when I was 19 years old!

All is OK now though and things are moving on nicely.  I'm not sure where it is all headed which I suppose is also fun.  For the new me it is fun - the old me would have been horrified about that I'm certain.

I think that P & I need a good holiday as we haven't really been spending  real quality time together - we tend to spend time together working and that's a bit of a shame as we really should be getting to know each other.  We are out on Saturday to a bell ringing day out followed by a BBQ.  Maybe we can get some time together and we need to lay some ghosts out too whilst we are there.  By that I mean there are a few chaps who aren't aware that I am on the scene that need to find out as it could cause embarrassment for them or for P.

I am fit and well apart from my shin which took a serious thump on the outside brick wall.  It has only just started to come under some sort of control as it really ballooned up and I've been putting on two dressings a day to sort it out.  Hopefully it will be OK for the weekend.

Update

Well where did those 12 days go?  I have no idea at all but there you go - it just disappeared and it's like that a lot these days, time just slips away.  I had a good birthday going to the Royal Academy for the Summer Exhibition and then to see Dennis Hopper's photographic exhibition, Fortnum & Mason for Lunch followed by Ronnie Scott's for the evening.  The only bummer being the ridiculously crowded train home - southern railways need to examine how they treat customers it was just ridiculous.  Completely left me messed up with my claustrophobia kicking in big time.  I managed to keep it together but not when I got home.

Anyhow, other than that it was a lovely day.  

I'm feeling good and fit and healthy but could do with a holiday I think - if nothing else to get out of the current list of things that need to be done - get a rest and then launch the business.

I hope to get some more time to start blogging again, the main thing is that health is good, outlook is good and life is fine albeit a little to full on for me at the moment.  

Eight Years Ago

It's the Anniversary of my getting the symptoms of Bladder Cancer.  I recall it well as it was England on playing in the World Cup - that year they probably did slightly better than this :-)

After a 4 1/2 hour drive I checked in to my Hotel, went to the toilet to be greeted by a stream of claret coloured urine.  It didn't stop doing that until the 24th July when I had my operation....  

It still sends a shudder through me thinking about it.  Gee though I get cranky around this time of year.  But in many ways I should celebrate as it was around this time of year last year that it all started to become clear to me what needed to be done and finally I'm out of the rut I was in and I'm in a great place at the moment.  I can see my future (well not really) but I'm positive about my future is probably a better way to say it.  I'm really happy and positive about things.  P and I are getting along wonderfully and that's great - I'm so pleased about that.  I'm not sure quite what to do about introducing her to the girls - it's very difficult I suppose.

I am seeing Mrs. F. tomorrow evening to discuss the way forward.  I'm in no rush to push her into anything - it's not my way and it appears that L now has a local job (that did surprise me - I thought she would have stayed in Cambridge).  That will mean she will stay at the house I guess.  That means that they will need the place for the moment and I suppose I will have to wait a little longer for the settlement to materialise.  I think  I can handle that but of course it is burning a hole in both our monies with me living in rented accommodation.  

SO here I am - 8 years on from the huge trauma of Bladder Cancer.  I'm still here - HURRAH!  I'm healthy - YIPPEE! I'm happy, I'm free, I'm excited, I'm empty of all that angst and baggage, I'm crazy about P, I have a new business to launch and everything is looking good.  

I look back and see how much my life has changed and in a few ways I'm sad about the outcome of my marriage but I knew that was rocky even then.  I can't fault Mrs. F. standing by me though, she was a rock bless her but it's time to move on for me and I really hope that she finds someone for herself that means as much to her as P does to me.

Talking of P that's 12 weeks this Thursday - time has flown and it feels a long and a short time all at once!  I wonder what will happen in 1 or even 8 years from now?  This certainly isn't quite what I felt it would be but there you go - it's just the way it is people come into and out of your life for a reason I guess.

Where did the time go?

Yikes, where has the last few weeks gone?  OK we had the housewarming party, I've been to Northampton and back and suddenly what - it's almost the end of June. 

I can't tell you where time has gone but I'm seriously blown off track at the moment but feel that things are coming back on an even keel at last.  It's one of those amazing times we get in our lives where events take us way off of our "planned" course and your life changes forever.  It was actually a year ago that my life really started to change and it's just bizarre that here I am blinking and wondering what on earth just happened :-)  Crazy!

I need to speak to Mrs. F. soon to see what we can do to move things forward.  The biggest issue I suppose is what to do about the house and stuff.  It's all a little strange as I will have to work out lots of other things - like where to live and so on.  It's just the way my crazy world is these days.

Interesting Times

"How fortunate we are to live in such interesting times" was one of our sayings when we were at work.  It holds true today.  Life IS very interesting at the moment, very interesting indeed and I'm having quite a bit of difficulty adapting to it.    Things are very different indeed from any past experiences I have had and so a lot of it is new to me.  I hate being an INTJ sometimes because I just can't stop analysing and also stuff that isn't "Logical" really confuses the hell out of me and of course, there's a lot of that in relationships - stuff that isn't logical that is.  It completely throws me out of equilibrium.  

So I'm having to learn a lot of this stuff as we go on and that is proving interesting but not quite as much fun.  Anyway, it will just have to be what it will be - I'm getting there gradually.

I like the fact that I hardly think about Bladder Cancer anymore or anything else around my health either.  

Interesting times?  You bet!  

It's Serious Then?

Given how I'm feeling at the moment with P away at the Isle of Wight Festival, I've got to say that things are pretty serious!  I wasn't expecting to feel quite like this at all but hey, the new me is saying go with it, run with it and see where it takes you.

I still find it quite hard to believe that it's only 7 weeks and 3 days (roughly).  There's something quite strange and surreal about this past week.  It is very strange indeed.  I feel great and yesterday the number of people who came up to me and said that I was looking great these days was more than a dozen.  It's nice to hear as I looked back at my Passport photo and of course I wasn't well when that was done - about 18 months after diagnosis, I look grey and drawn and with huge circles under my eyes.  What a difference.  I am pretty glad about that.

I saw my friend who had hi Bladder removed yesterday and I hadn't seen him since he had the surgery so it was good to catch up and hear his story.  Apparently it was a missed appointment and they may have been able to sort him out if it hadn't got aggressive and gone into the muscle.  He seems fine about it, has lost some weight (a bonus he says) and he has moved down to the coast which is nice I think.

I've been working on how things progress from here going forward.  I really hadn't planned to be quite so involved as I am.  I thought that we might be friends going to gigs together but we are light years beyond that.  I think it is funny as we keep looking at each other and smiling and wondering "how did we get here?"  It doesn't really matter at all, I'm happy and so is P and that's great.  

The Business Of Getting On With Business

It is a business getting on with business.  I need to launch and yet it's the usual decision - when is the right time as so many things are going on in my life at the moment.  We have the house warming party in a week and I'm out for a few days.  I need to talk to P to make sure she is now independent enough to do without me for a short while.  We have discussed that she might help me drive some business in which would be great.

We are talking about taking a little time off and just going away for a few days and getting to know each other dropping the business and personal problems to one side and just having a break.  I hope we can do that.

At the moment everything is ready to go so I just need to start driving the message home and getting people interested in what I do and then for them to spend some money with me.

I want to start to get into some sort of regular business hours as well as getting some order back into my life :-) Food, exercise and work all need to come together in one homogenous way.   Well that's my plan and as we've seen the last 7 weeks have been absolutely full on what with P and my Mum and now the web site is up and running I'm just waiting to "flip the switch" and that just needs a chat with P and for the two of us to be happy about that.

Getting On With Things

Has it really been 7 weeks today since I met P?  Yes it has it feels like no time and a long time all at once.  That's love for you I guess?

All is wonderful and things are fine.  P has decided to go to the Isle Of Wight Festival after all which is great it is going to be a beautiful weekend and she needs a break and to get away and come back refreshed. I'm a little jealous actually as I'd love to have gone but I have two meetings one tomorrow in London, a Black Tie do and then a Lodge meeting on Saturday.  It will be a shame that P won't be here on the Saturday night but I'll see her soon enough on the Sunday.  It's beginning now to get hard to be apart which brings its own pressures of course.

The main thing is to get some things sorted next week.  We are having a sort of house warming party on the 21st June which will be nice - so many people have asked to see the house.  After that I want to knuckle down and get the business rolling.  It's sat here long enough now.

Living with Depression

Once you've been there you can emphasise with those who are depressed or stuck in a rut.  Part of the rut I had (I know this isn't everyone's experience) was that I knew, knew for years, what I had to do.  I knew the answer to get me out of my malaise.  It was and is now blindingly obvious.  Nevertheless we don't take the Occam's Razor we procrastinate and try and work around what is the obvious (and possibly only) answer.  That's how we dig ourselves into a rut or paint ourselves into a corner. 

I like the phrase that we "stare so hard at the closed door that we miss the open one behind us"  I'm helping a good friend and it's exactly that.  To me it is "obvious" what to do but I'm on the outside looking in and I also know that it isn't my decision, they have to come to the answer on their own, all I can do is provide balanced (if possible) facts to work on.  

I recollect how difficult it was the incredible stress, the chest pains the throat constriction - I could hardly even talk when I finally had to deliver the news.  Within moments, it was over, it was SO painful I can't tell you.  I'd hurt the person I'd lived with for 32 or more years and had known for 40 years.  That was awful BUT - BUT after that I came alive and the pain was gone and the weights that dragged me down were gone, my head emptied and suddenly I was at peace with myself.  It was unfortunate that all my pain then descended onto Mrs. F.  I felt awful for doing that but then again, I could no longer live the way I was living I had all but come to a standstill and couldn't concentrate.  I couldn't go on like that and despite the fact that I had my eyes opened and was by then heavily into A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle and I'd met someone who changed my outlook on life and suddenly made me aware of myself, the now and what could be.  Even that ending was positive.

So today I can really empathise with the struggle that is going on in my friend's head and despite the fact that I know that once that decision is taken (for I strongly believe that the decision was reached - like me - many years ago) the pain will fall away.  I can see now that it is easy for me to say what to do (like many people told me what to do).  The bottom line is that only the person whom the problem affects has the right to make that decision and take it for themselves, they have, after all, to be happy they did the right thing.

In the interim it is a series of circular discussions, going over the same ground, the same facts, the same consequences and the same potential outcomes but who knows what the future truly holds?  The decision is the the thing that is needed and then executing on that.  I am pleased that rather than getting "involved" that I can just act as a sounding board for them.  

I hope that they come to a decision quickly for their own health and to free them up.

A Year is a LONG Time

I looked back at my blog from a year ago.  It was all in code as I'd met this quite wonderful lady - well I'd actually known her a very long time really and we met up and suddenly everything seemed to click and become clear to me.

I got my self esteem back, I got my self confidence back, I believed I could move on and get out of the rut I was in.  It was an awful place and suddenly there was this lovely lady who changed it all for me.  I suppose it depends on whether you believe in Karma but she arrived in my life at just the right time and soon afterwards disappeared again.  It was a little upsetting of course that it didn't continue but everything happens for a reason.  What I saw was a glimpse of how it could be.  I saw how things were when I was younger and when everything was exciting and how the journey started out, with high expectations and high ideals and then how it foundered along the way and the crash into depression (Ooops I used the "D" word there - sorry) and self doubt, victim mode and lost - well - me really.

Somehow, unless you've been there and bumped along the bottom for a while you probably don't get what a lonely and miserable place it is.  Analysing every little mistake you ever made and trying to comprehend how you got to where you are rather than looking at it to see what you can do from where you are now.  Nothing can be undone, unsaid and you can really only operate in the here and the now.  The future hasn't happened yet.  

I knew that my life would change last June - I had no idea that I'd be separated from my wife, in a house share, and now involved with someone else and just looking forward to a life and some excitement.  By that I mean travelling, getting out and actually doing things.  P is a dynamo for getting out and doing things.  It looks exciting and challenging.  It will be what it will be of course and who knows what I'll be writing about next June?  

I just know that I'm in such a much better place at the moment.  The only thing is that I'm not quite giving it my all - something is nagging me to hold back.  It's the 90% thing again - I did this last June (18th/27th) and I can feel myself doing that again now - is it a commitment problem or something deeper - I'm not certain - I'll see how this pans out.

My Life = Utter Chaos

My life is in total chaos at the moment.  The good thing is that I've hardly thought about Bladder Cancer at all in the past 6 weeks.  It is amazing I've lost total track of time and it's June already and I ought to have launched the business.  I can't believe that my life has blown me quite so far off course.  I don't actually mind that too much as the distraction has been quite welcome really although totally unexpected.  

I'm surprised how this has happened but then perhaps I shouldn't be.  The "new" me is so much nicer than the old me.  I'm far more emotional than I used to be as I've said many time in this blog. I don't get all het up these days, I get a little angry still with people but can control that - I'm sure a rising testosterone level may also have something to do with that as well - I have to be on guard as I've noticed that as a change in me.  Above all though I'm calm and resigned these days and also keep trying to explain that things that happened in the past remain in the past and have no bearing whatsoever on the present.  The future isn't here yet and you can't live in the future either.  You have to live in the now - what else can you possibly do.

I like being the new me although I can see the old me trying its hardest to reassert itself.  It is one of those things I'm now aware of.  It is very difficult to maintain the new me persona but I know one thing, I feel great and I am so much happier with myself these days.  I no longer hate myself or beat myself up about things.  The past no longer has any bearing on my present like it used to.  My dreaming and planning are now very loose and not specific and therefore not likely to result in the huge disappointments I used to suffer when they never came true or fell short of expectations.

I like utter chaos although I'm not sure I'd like to live like that all the time :-) 

Eastbourne

Not been there for years and years and so when P said let's go (on a Sunday) I was a bit hesitant.  The traffic was heavy but not too bad - and we got to East Dean OK in time for lunch - this is the Tiger's Head pub - I'd been there a number of times before - very nice too.  Then we headed off to the cliffs.

Tigers Head - East Dean

 It was a nice day although I should have worn cotton trousers not black jeans!  We decided to flake out on top of the cliffs and enjoy the views and just watch the world go by.

A Selfie Gone Wrong?  P and I on the cliffs at Eastbourne

 Part of the walk we did is shown below it is a lot steeper than it looks. 

Cliffs at Eastbourne

It's nice to have got out of the flat for a while and to have walked out and enjoyed the weather which had been predicted to be poor but was delightful although a bit humid.  

So glad that I did the walk though and that P and I were able to enjoy each others company.

I'm feeling great at the moment and healthy and about to change my routine.  I hope that I can stick to it and fit everything in.  

Up and Down Day

It was a good day and P met up with us at Shipbourne Farmer's Market.  We bought some nice produce and some cheese and olives and baklava.  So I managed to cook for P and mum and we had a nice meal out at an old favourite pub of mine from the old days.

P and I were OK today and had a lovely time but she has had to go home tonight. I'm dropping my mum off tomorrow so that my daughter L can take her home which is nice of her - my mum has all sorts of traumas about this and L driving in the dark and goodness knows what else!  She's making up disaster after disaster for not going.  For me it can't come soon enough - I love my mum but a week and a day of this has been over and above the call of duty - honestly - I nearly lost the plot twice today - it's the insane advice and how to do things I get all the time.  I become flabbergasted with it as I'm trying to drive "watch out for that lorry!" "What, that huge great big white thing behind me?"  FFS I can see it and I'm not likely to reverse off my drive at high speed into it!  I've actually been distracted a couple of times and ended up missing turns and going back around roundabouts and told her to stop it as I don't need the distraction.

I will at least be able to go to P's place and relax a little tomorrow night and spend the weekend with her - that will be nice.

How Strange

Indeed things are strange - communication being one of the strange things at the moment.  It's been a bit difficult with my mum here that's for sure.  I love her dearly but it's been a week now and it wears a bit thin I'm afraid and I can't always keep myself happy and cheery in the face of a constant bombardment of advice and ideas.  It's OK to keep saying OK and Yes but it wears you out entirely and that's the problem - I kind of live my own life and I don't particularly like the "views" my mother has on things.  We explored a few today like the number of Rats at anyone time near human beings.  There's loads of these stories "ten times more rats than humans!" "You are never more than 4 foot from a rat" were two I pulled out at random from the list of "scare stories" put about by the press.  

There are 60 Million people on our small island and the rats would number 600 million if there were ten rats to every human.  You'd have thought you'd see one or two of the blighters at least eh?  If you aren't more than 4 foot away from one at any one time then come on, you need to be pretty myopic to miss them.  Where's the data, where's this stuff come from.  So many headlines are utter tosh if you begin to scratch the surface of the arguments.  Mum goes off about the number of Peadophiles and Offenders and all that but, in reality, how many are there really?  Is there one on every street corner or is it more like there is one in every town.  I don't know but it can't be as bad as they picture it in the papers - it just doesn't stack up at all.

My mum has advice of every sort and if I took notice of half of it I'd be down several hundred pounds and have a box full of stuff that I'd never use and don't really need or want.  

Added to that Mrs. F. turning up yesterday and it was pretty obvious to P that I wasn't in a great place at all.  We've had a few wobbly days because of it - I hope that passes over pretty soon, we did have a long chat about it earlier.

Getting Around "that" time of year again

Last year I wondered why I was up and down and sad and confused but, of course, there was also the - shall we call it - affair all happening at the same time.  Jeez it all started this time last year and I can't complain really, it changed my life.

Of course the other thing is that it will have been 8 years since symptoms and diagnosis and operation and the beginning of the journey.  Eight years!  

My friend N and I were both operated on around the same time and so we regularly find ourselves in a strange place in late June and early July.  Of course on top of that my father died the day after my mum's and two days before my birthday in early July.

This year is different and also I'm in another strange place with myself and P.  It's been 8 weeks (well tomorrow it will have been) and things are going well and progressing nicely.  I hope that we will be able to get away for a long weekend just to spend some time on each other not on resolving problems which we've done a fair amount of this past 4 weeks.  

I feel better that my mum and Mrs. F. and A all got on well yesterday - I am pleased that Mrs. F. is now talking a lot more and that it was all amicable and that is doubly great.

Wobbly Day

A really wobbly day today - felt quite sick and not at all me.  Realised it was probably because Mrs. F. and A were coming over to take mum out for some tea and cakes.  I decided to go shopping to get out of the way so I hoped that would make me feel a little better.  

It kind of worked I suppose but it was still a funny old day.  I'd had such a fun day with P the day before and suddenly I was all glum and gloomy.  Unlike me but I suppose as Mrs. F. was turning up at the house it made me feel that I really didn't want to see her.  At least it was nice that my mum got to see A and Mrs. F.

I need to sort out my wobbly days - I haven't had one for a while but seem to get the odd wobble and I really don't need it.

Mum's Are Funny Aren't They?

My mum has a bit of advice for every situation, she makes me roll up and yesterday was so funny.  We were talking about candles and I have some in my room - rather nice ones.  "you'll burn the house down!" she said - I told her that they were a romantic addition and they were safe the way I had them set up and that if she'd experienced the house burning down - well she was using them wrong!  That got her into fits of laughter in the shop!  

The carrying a citronella candle around was a classic.  "What? All the time?"  How was I to know that I'd happen to go to a venue out of town on that particular day when I got bitten?  I was actually going to the centre of town.

So I just laugh and go with it these days and make fun of her when the ideas are so bizarre they need batting into touch!

Nice having mum over to see me and looking forward to a day out with the girls and my mum, nice.  S & P I hope will enjoy themselves.

Headaches and Insect Bites

I guess they are related - the cluster of insect bites on my neck are pretty awesome - now a huge lump on my neck!  Mum says I should buy a Citronella Candle but I'm going to look pretty stupid carrying it around on the off chance! 

A bit upset as could have gone with P tonight to a festival but as it happens there just wasn't time and not sure mum would truly have been up for it.  P sounded happy and chilled which is great.  She really needs to get out and enjoy herself.

As for me?  I want to kill something :-) lol - no really - I could go and sort out certain people and shake them until they realise the damage they do to other people!  I shouldn't, but am, getting annoyed with these sad excuses for humans being just downright nasty.  Surely there has to be another way/

It's the Spa Hotel luncheon tomorrow and I'm looking forward to that - taking my mum and S & P along too.  I'll have to remain sober as I'm driving but will have beer back here when I return :-)

Can't believe quite how much I miss P.  How funny :-) 

Some Critter - Bit Me

I hope it got indigestion.  Right at the back of my neck - could even be the cause of the headaches I reckon - really nasty inflamed neck and I've now got some cream on them - they've turned into one large lump on the back of my neck.  Not sure if that caused the headache or P's woes did?

P came over tonight and met my mum.  I can't stop talking about her and missed her a lot yet it's only been two days for goodness sake.  However, we really are close and it's all quite serious.  I'll see what mum makes of it tomorrow morning.  She likes the house and that's great and she gets on fine with my friends as she is quite funny.  Hope she likes P? Strange I need approval.  At last P is able to drive her car and it is nice that she can come on over here in her own transport too.  I'm so looking forward to spending time with her and getting out and doing things.  SO looking forward to getting the nonsense of her situation out of the way and moving on.  She was so much like her old self tonight - I was pleased she got on and made some progress.

Headache from hell

Two days running now a real thumper of a headache.  It's to do with sorting things out with P and her ongoing troubles.  It's draining for both of us and I've now taken her back to her flat.  I dislike leaving her there it is a pokey place and I just had to drop her off and leave her there after a couple of weeks with me.  It's been hectic - a roller coaster ride - but my head is just thumping away trying to get my head around what is going on and trying like mad to be on top of it all and be thinking on my feet all the time.

I'm off very early in the morning to take my daughter to the airport then go on to my mum's stay over there and then bring her back on Friday.  

Hopefully we will have a good weekend and week ahead.  Hopefully P will also be feeling a bit better.

Saturday - A Day Of Rest. Maybe.

P has been with me here for two weeks - it doesn't seem that long.  It's been a very difficult week for both of us.  She is having to deal with some pretty unsavoury stuff in her life and I'm helping but it does mean that days can be fraught and upsetting and for the both of us just starting to get to know each other it's a difficult time indeed.  If we can get through this and I think we broke the back of it over the week, we can get through anything.  

I'm in a really good place at the moment excepting that I've just dropped into my uncomfortable bank balance level where alarm bells are going off.  It isn't as bad as I make out - I still have enough money to live on but I now need to boot the business into life and my target date of 1st June is going to be more like the middle of June.

I've got my mum coming down later in the week and that will be great - she will stay for a week and we have the lunch at the Spa Hotel in Tunbridge Wells to look forward to.  Nice.

How fast things turn around and how amazing life can be.......  It's only been 4 weeks and 2 days as I remind her.  How frightening and wonderful all at the same time.

Where did that week go????

It's unbelievable isn't it?  My last blog post was a week ago.  I got my glasses a week ago and I haven't written since.  Astonishing for me to not write anything - I've been low profile here, on Facebook and fallen off the map altogether.  It's been a hell of a ride - a nice one but at some point in time I need to focus on getting my business going :-)  Actually my mum i down next week for a week so I reckon that it will be just after that if I'm honest.

P and I are going through some of her stuff and doing a sort out.  It's been a very hard week for both of us as it's been more business than pleasure.  Hopefully that will change shortly and we can move on and have more pleasure than business.  

Best not say too much at the moment but I am being pleasantly distracted shall we say :-) I haven't even thought about Bladder Cancer at all this past week.

Three Weeks Today

Blimey - just three weeks - it feels longer and so much has happened in such a short space of time.  I like the idea that neither of us were actually looking for too much to happen other than getting to know each other a bit more.  Well we have certainly done that!  I'm now having to work out what will happen in the next few weeks.  

Not Even Three Weeks Yet

It seems to me that I've entered some sort of time warp as it isn't three weeks yet since I picked up P from the Hospital and now we are as they say "an item".  It's all very strange indeed :-) It is all quite a shock as we keep saying to each other "How did we get here?"  It feels a lot longer than 20 days and I have to say that it's neither one thing or the other at the moment it's as if we are in a "no man's land." We are really compatible but my INTJ nature is making me ever so cautious.  P understands (thank goodness).

We are making a lot of progress on her issues and it's a step at a time existence moving a milestone at a time and getting over some pretty sticky situations.  

My main concern is that I am having to dynamically move things around to suit her schedule especially as she isn't allowed to drive for quite a while (another 3 weeks roughly).  So I'm doing a lot of driving and also making sure she is eating properly.  I think that's OK and I feel I've managed to sort most of the basics out especially eating and drinking and medication is being taken etc.

I'm cautiously optimistic that we will become very good friends indeed after all the grief of her operation and personal circumstances are resolved satisfactorily.  

That's Why Life IS Great

Two weeks ago, I wouldn't have known even then what was about to happen.  From absolutely nowhere (even though we slightly knew each other beforehand) two people's life paths touched and for a while have run parallel to each other.  It's all very close and it is all very strange and not at all what I was expecting or quite like it was last year - thank goodness :-) I don't think I'll say much more than last year I could hardly breathe and was wound up like a top.  This time around I think I'm being cautious - I got hurt quite badly and crashed and burnt last year.  I don't intend for that to happen again (although it easily could).

I spoke to P last night and she received my card in the post thanking her for a lovely weekend and I think she really appreciated it and that's exactly what I did it for.  I firmly believe we were destined to meet like this although I'd have preferred it if she hadn't needed eye surgery - poor thing :-(  But things like she's going through the same rubbish I went through and doing that almost on her own are key things.  I can fully empathise with her on the ups and downs of dealing with things that look insurmountable.  

I met lots of people yesterday they were telling me that I looked great and that I was on top form and so I was even though two incidents that actually made me angry - that's so rare!  But one bloke was really rude to me so I gave him two barrels and sent him on his way with a flea in his ear.  The other was just some guy being "Thick" and holding up proceedings - he wasn't best pleased when I gave him the hurry up.  I had to collect things from around 100 people and he was holding proceedings up so he also got a very rough tongue lashing.   Some people really don't get it.

I have NO idea what is going on

It is a funny old thing when you are dancing around and getting to know each other. I'm not heart eruptively entering into this as I "allegedly" did last year.  I am so much more stand offish - perhaps to my detriment.

All I can say is that I'm having a great time at the moment albeit there are some communication issues for us both - we are quite (but not exactly) similar and are both organised and a little headstrong so it is making for interesting dynamics. :-)

Anyway - I'm delighted that P is going to come with me to the church service at Rochester Cathedral on Sunday - it will be so nice to finally get to go to this event without all the whinging and hullabaloo that went before it.

P is off to Hospital in the morning - 2 weeks after her Retina Detachment corrective surgery.   Let's hope for good news.  It marks 14 days since I picked her up at the Hospital and dare I say it this rather extraordinary journey.

Geeeeeez - Karma? Serendipity?

Well hello there.  I've just surfaced after what feels like a month but had probably been less.  P has stayed with me over the weekend and I've just taken her home to her pokey old flat.  We've been getting on fine but are both still shell shocked that we are going out or whatever you may call it.  It's a big surprise to both of us :-)

I'm getting complaints over lacks of blogs and FaceBook activity.  I haven't had time and this week is bad too.  I feel absolutely knackered having driven P around for a couple of weeks, cooked, washed and all sorts of other things for her as her eye (we hope) starts to mend.  It's a tiny bit better but she can't drive for at least another 4 weeks.  She can just begin to see shapes and her fingers in blurred outline held to the sky or a light.

I wonder about these "chance" meetings.  Neither of us would have met unless the string of events that had happened to each of us had happened that way and that her friends were unable to collect her from the Hospital and the subsequent appointment - I can't actually do this Thursday but a friend of hers is.

Let's see how it goes....

Later and Later

Well that was a significantly better day than yesterday and each day is an improvement.  P looked great when I turned up but was slightly back in the doldrums.  However we knuckled down and sorted out her finances or most of them and her friend came around and helped her wash her hair and she was in great spirit.  S is a tiny tornado of a lass and was a great tonic for P.  Once her hair was done it just looked great - I have a thing about long blonde hair and it was so nice to see her happy and almost back to her old self.

I made dinner and seem to be making some great meals with just a load of bits from the fridge.  
It's not been a week since I picked her up from the Hospital and we are "pretty close" I did say to her that I was only meant to pick her up from the Hospital not "pick her up".  

I see in her situation how I was this time last year unable to tackle the day to day things that life was throwing at me and unable to really get a handle on things, tackle tasks and so on.  Here's a thought for you and for me.  Maybe I was destined to meet her and destined to help her through this rough patch in her life?  I have no idea if I am just meant to touch her life or be part of it.  That is part of the journey too.  What is good is that I understand what she is going through and how she is procrastinating at the hard decisions that have to be made.

Some questions for generally throwing out there for discussion:

1. She has lots of friends but none could pick her up that day or stay with her overnight as required
2. The same for the next day and the return to the Hospital (although that was a last minute curve ball)
3. I just happen to have had similar experiences as P and can help her through it
4. We actually get on great with each other

It's all slightly surreal but I like the fact that she sees me at my calm best and also where I don't worry about things anymore.  She couldn't understand how I'd happily walk away from the "money" in my house.  When I told her that I just wanted to be happy and enjoy my life no matter what that may be she started to "get it".

Sheesh - it's 5 days and it feels like 5 weeks.  I am though very mentally drained as it takes a lot of will power, persuasion and so on to keep overcoming objections, helping get past panic attacks and trying to keep the calm middle of the road logic and non emotional attachments to her particular problems.

I don't know where this is going but as long as she comes out of this with a successful operation and her eyes as good as they can be and that she can overcome her problems and her attachment to the past I think I will be very pleased.  

Just Home

Left a much better person when I left than when I arrived.  Lovely lady, beating herself up about some of her past (nothing she could do about it) and the added problem of having to not drive for 6 weeks after her operation is also giving her some issues. 

I've left her with a promise that I can return tomorrow if needed and probably do some shopping but I've virtually lived around there for the past 4 days!   She's not normally like this she told me and many of her friends agree on that too.  It's been a recent trauma that's done this and she's ended up in a tiny flat that really is small and very claustrophobic which also doesn't help her I think.  I've offered for her to come and use the guest room here for a few days, at least I can keep my eye on her, make sure she gets fed and watered properly etc.  She doesn't want to do that - fair enough.

It's been a lovely evening though and I've cooked for her again and given her some good hearty food.  We just sat and watched a bit of TV listened to some great sounds and lightly chatted but mainly I just encouraged her to think of nothing about the past.  Some deep breathing exercises and a lot of concentrating on her.  So it seems we may be there for tonight at least.

There's a load more rubbish to come I can see that and maybe I can help and maybe I can't.  It will be what it will be.   

And Again

I've just received a nice call.  It's interesting - I sent off a phrase I like to use  a lot.  It is by Anais Nin.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

I've been trying to help P out of her current predicament, it is so like myself just a year ago.  So I sent this to start her day and she loves it.  So the call?  She'd like me to come over later this afternoon.  That will be nice - I like meeting her, she's funny when she wants to be, I just need to get her being funny again and to stop beating herself up for her past actions - it was circumstance, not bad planning or decisions that put her where she is. 

Bam - Take That - What a difference a week makes

So - I don't know if I should be telling you this... :-)

But I will.  Last weekend I went out with S & P and asked P out for Lunch which went OK after the puncture and stuff!  We met up that night at my place with S & P and spoke about all things and P was having trouble with her eye that turned out to be a tear and a rip on her retina (A detached Retina).  Not good at all.  She went into Hospital on Tuesday and Wednesday she had to rest up and Thursday have the operation.  I was in touch with her but found she didn't have a lift home on the Thursday afternoon.  SO Now pay attention.

I got a call from her saying that she was waiting to go in for the operation but was having tests and it would be great if I could pick her up from the Hospital and she'd call me as she got out of the operation so I could make my way to Maidstone to pick her up.  She then told me that she'd just been informed that someone should have been with her all day and also someone needed to be with her overnight.  I know what you are thinking but stop that for a moment.

So I suggested that I could do that, I was available over the next few days for a friend.  

It's Saturday evening and I've just had the strangest few days!

I was called in the late afternoon to go to collect her and duly went - it was tortuous as it was rush hour but I got some fuel, some flowers, a get well card and our two roses from St. George's Day and an overnight bag.  I duly arrived and found the ward.  She was on her own lying on her side and had to remain like that for 2 hours.  On the way home I asked if she had any food in?  No she hadn't had time to think let alone do so I puled into Sainsburys and got salad, fruit, cream, antipasto and a selection of cheeses.  This worked great as I was able to pull together a nice salad for the two of us.  

I ended up sleeping on the couch - a more uncomfortable thing I couldn't imagine - it was pretty bad.  In the morning the poor girl was visibly upset and just not with it at all and we finally managed to get organised to go back to the Hospital in Maidstone.  I needed to be back in Tonbridge for my Optician's appointment but more than that I had an appointment in Rochester at 5:30.  I got her to her appointment and she really wasn't feeling at all well by this time (not my driving I hasten to add).  The Nurse took note and I left to drive back to where I'd come from.  I arrived with 5 minutes to spare.  

The optician delivered the message I expected - I need glasses for near, intermediate and long vision.  I knew that I needed something.  So I've also got a big bill coming for a second set of glasses.  They also did a hearing test which also came out that I'm pretty bad in my hearing.  I'd better get that sorted out too in the near future.

So After that I called P and she was going for one more test and check.  I came back to the Hospital and parked up and after 5 minutes she emerged, got her next appointment and I took her towards home.  SHe was hungry so we stopped off at a nice pub in the country called The Chaser.  Returning home we realised that time had run away with us and P needed to see her friend and time was short so I drove here to her friends around teh corner from us.  I then drove her back to her home and after making sure she was alright headed home.

I missed my appointment in Rochester altogether but so did half the others due to a major traffic accident.  

This morning I got a text saying all was great, how much she liked the flowers and everything else which was nice.  I then rang her and all hell had broken loose and some appointment she had had been missed and she was quite distraught about it so I grabbed some food and headed over to her.  I've spent a lovely day in the country with her trying to cheer her up and get her out of a little rut she is in.  I managed to cook a BLT for her to start and then a nice steak with a pudding following that.

So what's the score?  I'm not sure - I think it's all very nice at the moment.  She has a number of issues she needs to overcome and we've worked through them a lot in the past few days and she has ups and downs but that's good as before it was all downs.  She really started to come out of her shell later on in the day and after the meal I'd realised I'd done my job and I made sure she was OK and took my leave of her.  

I really like her, she's intelligent and very funny.  It's not going to be obvious where it is all going we are both a little hesitant at the moment I think but what the hell do I know about these things.  I did try and explain the INTJ predicament to her.  She laughed.  She has my Eckhart Tolle book by her bedside, if she had both eyes it might be OK to read it but the operation has slower her down a bit.