That was a worrying 48 hours. I really hadn't expected the level of fear I felt that somehow the tumour was back or some such thing. I reckon it is a bit irrational anyway as these things don't grow that fast and I doubt they would have survived much given the treatment before Christmas.
I'll still keep checking and I can calm down a bit now. It really was quite alarming.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Monday, January 15, 2007
So far so good
No sign of blood at all today thank goodness. I will still be keeping an eye on things though - you can't be too careful with this.
Fright Night
Last thing at night. Was that blood in my urine? I wasn't sure, I had flushed the toilet.
There is nothing quite as terrifying as then having to wait until the next time you go to check. It may well have been but thank goodness this morning there is nothing.
The brain just runs wild - "what if I have to start treatment all over again?" "another operation?" "treatment has failed" etc. It is far more frightening than I would ever have thought.
I'll obviously be keeping an anxious eye open for any signs in case I wasn't mistaken. Anyway, all seems to be settled this morning and I am back to a normal yet slightly heightened state this morning too :-)
There is nothing quite as terrifying as then having to wait until the next time you go to check. It may well have been but thank goodness this morning there is nothing.
The brain just runs wild - "what if I have to start treatment all over again?" "another operation?" "treatment has failed" etc. It is far more frightening than I would ever have thought.
I'll obviously be keeping an anxious eye open for any signs in case I wasn't mistaken. Anyway, all seems to be settled this morning and I am back to a normal yet slightly heightened state this morning too :-)
Disappointed
With myself sometimes. I need to snap out of my current lethargy and move a number of things on. The trouble is that there are so many things to do and I am an easy touch when it comes to helping people out that I leave my own tasks behind and work on someone elses to my detriment.
I thought that I had changed a bit more than this and had become a little bit more self centred and selfish. I must try harder to do the things that are important here and to say no more..
I thought that I had changed a bit more than this and had become a little bit more self centred and selfish. I must try harder to do the things that are important here and to say no more..
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Kylie & Me
Kylie has pulled out of her UK dates because she has Flu and I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't trying to do TOO MUCH. You see, I want to prove, like Kylie, that I'm alright and that I am as fit as I ever was and that "I'm back to normal" and so on. The truth really is that you may feel great but your body will soon catch up and kick you back down if you are not.
It is actually a long road to recovery and we shouldn't forget that. We try to take on too much in an effort to believe that we are back to where we were before it all started. My drive to Yorkshire and back took two days but I estimated that it would. I felt that, no matter how good I felt, I'd probably over estimate how good I really was. I could conceivably have got there and back in a day but 8 or more hours in a car would really be pushing my luck. So taking it easy was a necessity.
The exercises I am doing I am limiting to 5 or 10 minutes a day not a full hour workout. The reasons? You cannot go straight in at full effort - the reason you need the exercise is to build you back up towards your previous weight and fitness levels or even to improve on those. In the short time I have been doing this I can feel the muscle groups beginning to respond and the slight twinge as muscles that haven't done much for months start to get used properly again.
So Kylie and Me - we both need to be a little realistic and to try not to run before we can walk.
It is actually a long road to recovery and we shouldn't forget that. We try to take on too much in an effort to believe that we are back to where we were before it all started. My drive to Yorkshire and back took two days but I estimated that it would. I felt that, no matter how good I felt, I'd probably over estimate how good I really was. I could conceivably have got there and back in a day but 8 or more hours in a car would really be pushing my luck. So taking it easy was a necessity.
The exercises I am doing I am limiting to 5 or 10 minutes a day not a full hour workout. The reasons? You cannot go straight in at full effort - the reason you need the exercise is to build you back up towards your previous weight and fitness levels or even to improve on those. In the short time I have been doing this I can feel the muscle groups beginning to respond and the slight twinge as muscles that haven't done much for months start to get used properly again.
So Kylie and Me - we both need to be a little realistic and to try not to run before we can walk.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Good News / Bad News
I touched on this before. Many of the web sites you go to have people who, necessarily, will be having a lot of trouble with their diagnosis and treatment and are looking for kindred souls and they share experiences etc. I think I am right in saying that it can only be a very few who do that. We are not all Internet users through and through, it would seem a waste of their time to look for information let alone to share it and I came to the conclusion that not too many people who had had Bladder Cancer would be on line.
As a sufferer, I was expecting to go online and find out what was wrong with me, what the chances were (yes you do) and see what other people had gone through. In reality you are looking for uplifting survivors stories. You don't often see them. Sure you can get the statistics and you can hear remarkable stories but generally these are people with far more aggressive or advanced Cancer than yourself. I think I said that it made me depressed rather than uplifted.
Well today that changed as at last I found someone with the same diagnosis as me, the same history of operations etc and who is about a year in front of me in terms of where the disease is at. They were possible slightly more advanced in how near they were to having their bladder removed, like less than a mm! The good news is that their BCG worked and now they are on maintenance therapy which is brilliant news. SO finally, a real person who has had this and bothered to put it on the web for all to see - that is more like it.
I wonder whether I need to one day work out the balance of whether you want to find uplifting stories, the reality (statistics) or something else. I can't think like that yet - perhaps later.
As a sufferer, I was expecting to go online and find out what was wrong with me, what the chances were (yes you do) and see what other people had gone through. In reality you are looking for uplifting survivors stories. You don't often see them. Sure you can get the statistics and you can hear remarkable stories but generally these are people with far more aggressive or advanced Cancer than yourself. I think I said that it made me depressed rather than uplifted.
Well today that changed as at last I found someone with the same diagnosis as me, the same history of operations etc and who is about a year in front of me in terms of where the disease is at. They were possible slightly more advanced in how near they were to having their bladder removed, like less than a mm! The good news is that their BCG worked and now they are on maintenance therapy which is brilliant news. SO finally, a real person who has had this and bothered to put it on the web for all to see - that is more like it.
I wonder whether I need to one day work out the balance of whether you want to find uplifting stories, the reality (statistics) or something else. I can't think like that yet - perhaps later.
An unexpected lunchtime trip out
It was a nice excursion. Friend called - has a half day, fancy some lunch, another friend nearby joins in and a few beers and a spot of lunch and a chat. spur of the moment things always seem to be better than those you could plan. I suppose there is no need to plan and think about it and so without time, no way to set expectations. I have to stop this psychobabble stuff, it was only going out for a beer after all - noting spooky in that!
Friday, January 12, 2007
What are the side effects sypmtoms etc
I still feel a little sore around my stomach area and I am adding to that by doing more exercises and stretching and getting back in to shape. It isn't painful, just there in the background. I don't appear to be going to the toilet anymore than usual at night now nor do I have the sudden need to rush to the loo like I did when I had the BCG treatment - all that has settled back to normal. The anxiety of going to the loo has passed and yet I always look and check for blood even now.
I feel better than I have felt for a number of years. The trouble, if there is any, at the moment is a sort of hypochondria. By that I mean there is an anxiety about anything that may be wrong with me. So an ache or a slight cough or anything like that becomes high anxiety stuff. I can give myself sleepless nights thinking about surviving one and getting "done" by another form of cancer. Morbid, probably unrealistic but you tend to think like that.
Other mental stuff is I am more extrovert than I have ever been and I have got past worrying too much about what people think about me although I can sometimes regret being so "overpowering" in a conversation. I am trying to stop that and I am trying to stop being "me, me, me" although that is difficult because it is all about me after all and if you have had cancer you'll probably understand that and if you haven't you have to forgive that sort of behaviour. It is not bragging rights it is more that you go through some "interesting" stuff which is quite challenging and I think you need to share the load or get it off your chest or something.
Right - anything else? If you change your lifestyle then you'll notice other changes which are dramatic to start with and then routine afterwards. Increasing my fruit and fibre intake has had an interesting effect but settled down now and I'm feeling better for that as well.
The black moods and massive mood swings are far less these days and I feel that the outlook is good. I still occasionally get very choked up when I see certain things on the TV, things that wouldn't normally make me cry or get a lump in my throat tend to now. I guess it is some sort of empathy with their suffering that I am feeling. I certainly wouldn't wish what I have had on anyone else no matter who they were as it is a combination of mental anguish and physical hurt. On reflection it may be character building and interspersed with some humourous moments but that is far from the truth in reality. The treatments are not optional, you can't chose not to have one of them etc.
I'm in between treatment and the next visit to Hospital in March - nothing is really happening that I can feel or see and the body is fighting its own battle in my bladder to see off the Cancer that remains in there. I can't tell or feel what is going on but that doesn't mean nothing is happening I guess. So I feel and look as healthy as I have done and the only thing now is to wait and that is its own problem as you just don't know how well you've done until a couple of weeks after the operation although (I believe) the Surgeon can give you some idea as there is a change in colour/texture that is sort of an indication.
So all is OK at the moment - almost a normal life now and interestingly enough I am getting more active than I have been for a good few years. My attitude to life (the universe and all that) has also changed I think for the better but I still don't suffer fools gladly.
I feel better than I have felt for a number of years. The trouble, if there is any, at the moment is a sort of hypochondria. By that I mean there is an anxiety about anything that may be wrong with me. So an ache or a slight cough or anything like that becomes high anxiety stuff. I can give myself sleepless nights thinking about surviving one and getting "done" by another form of cancer. Morbid, probably unrealistic but you tend to think like that.
Other mental stuff is I am more extrovert than I have ever been and I have got past worrying too much about what people think about me although I can sometimes regret being so "overpowering" in a conversation. I am trying to stop that and I am trying to stop being "me, me, me" although that is difficult because it is all about me after all and if you have had cancer you'll probably understand that and if you haven't you have to forgive that sort of behaviour. It is not bragging rights it is more that you go through some "interesting" stuff which is quite challenging and I think you need to share the load or get it off your chest or something.
Right - anything else? If you change your lifestyle then you'll notice other changes which are dramatic to start with and then routine afterwards. Increasing my fruit and fibre intake has had an interesting effect but settled down now and I'm feeling better for that as well.
The black moods and massive mood swings are far less these days and I feel that the outlook is good. I still occasionally get very choked up when I see certain things on the TV, things that wouldn't normally make me cry or get a lump in my throat tend to now. I guess it is some sort of empathy with their suffering that I am feeling. I certainly wouldn't wish what I have had on anyone else no matter who they were as it is a combination of mental anguish and physical hurt. On reflection it may be character building and interspersed with some humourous moments but that is far from the truth in reality. The treatments are not optional, you can't chose not to have one of them etc.
I'm in between treatment and the next visit to Hospital in March - nothing is really happening that I can feel or see and the body is fighting its own battle in my bladder to see off the Cancer that remains in there. I can't tell or feel what is going on but that doesn't mean nothing is happening I guess. So I feel and look as healthy as I have done and the only thing now is to wait and that is its own problem as you just don't know how well you've done until a couple of weeks after the operation although (I believe) the Surgeon can give you some idea as there is a change in colour/texture that is sort of an indication.
So all is OK at the moment - almost a normal life now and interestingly enough I am getting more active than I have been for a good few years. My attitude to life (the universe and all that) has also changed I think for the better but I still don't suffer fools gladly.
Not a lot about Bladder Cancer is there?
I suppose after a while you get used to it. I still think about it all the time though. Yesterday lifting the machine and assembling and using it were all slight worries but you have to get back to normal - whatever normal may be. I have enough other things on my plate this week to have put most of that behind me.
I haven't really got much more to add about symptoms and all that at the moment, I feel quite well in myself still and I am gradually getting my strength back. I just wished I was getting my waist line back - I suppose that will take a little longer.
I haven't really got much more to add about symptoms and all that at the moment, I feel quite well in myself still and I am gradually getting my strength back. I just wished I was getting my waist line back - I suppose that will take a little longer.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Grumpy Old Man
I have finally made it I can officially call myself a Grumpy Old Man now.
Today on a running desktop RSS feed ticker of News - NEWS mind you. came a gem about some minor "person of notoriety" I vomit if I have to say the word "celebrity" probably a D or E list one as I doubt anyone who has a pubic hair has actually heard of him. Apparently this little jumped up twerp stormed out of making a TV show because someone made fun of his wife who was also someone I'd never heard of before. HELLO BBC - this is not front page news, nor is the news that some baggage got thrown out of the Big Brother house. I am sure there are far more important things going on in the world than some over paid thick ignorant nobody walking out of a studio. If you are that upset just withhold his payment.
On a more serious note the third redundancy I've heard about this week is David Beckham - He is going to lose his job and I have no idea how he and his family will be able to make ends meet.
Today on a running desktop RSS feed ticker of News - NEWS mind you. came a gem about some minor "person of notoriety" I vomit if I have to say the word "celebrity" probably a D or E list one as I doubt anyone who has a pubic hair has actually heard of him. Apparently this little jumped up twerp stormed out of making a TV show because someone made fun of his wife who was also someone I'd never heard of before. HELLO BBC - this is not front page news, nor is the news that some baggage got thrown out of the Big Brother house. I am sure there are far more important things going on in the world than some over paid thick ignorant nobody walking out of a studio. If you are that upset just withhold his payment.
On a more serious note the third redundancy I've heard about this week is David Beckham - He is going to lose his job and I have no idea how he and his family will be able to make ends meet.
Exercise Equipment WORKS
I am absolutely knackered, got the machine upstairs and had to assemble it, was in quite a sweat and must have lost a stone building it. Wonderful, I'll go and order another and get some more exercise now or have I missed the point?
Unexpected Problem with Exercise Equipment
Just arrived and sitting in the Hall!
It took two big blokes to carry it in to the house and it is a big package and at 56Kilos it could cause some interesting moments with me trying to drag it up the stairs.
Now if I was fit I could do that but then if I was fit I wouldn't need the equipment in the first place so......
I might have to wait until my youngest daughter is back from school - she could lift it :-)
It took two big blokes to carry it in to the house and it is a big package and at 56Kilos it could cause some interesting moments with me trying to drag it up the stairs.
Now if I was fit I could do that but then if I was fit I wouldn't need the equipment in the first place so......
I might have to wait until my youngest daughter is back from school - she could lift it :-)
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Calm Down - Calm Down
I must remember that not everyone has the same enthusiasm I do for solving problems, project management, the intricacies of tacit knowledge management etc. I must learn to calm down and not be quite as explosive, pushy, know it all and so on.
Even if I DO know it all :-)
Even if I DO know it all :-)
Back Home
And just confirmed what I said earlier but, officially they have to do this. I wore the "I'm not dead Tee Shirt" - it works at so many levels I think. Anyway, it was a pleasant and civilised affair. I think that they really feel bad about it but it has to be done. There was hardly a soul at the office and it was quite eerie.
Anyway, I have 3 months notice so I cannot complain really. Who knows what will happen next week. 2007 has turned out to be quite exciting. Oh yes, the journey was tiring but with my "posh car" it wasn't that bad - it felt like taking my armchair out for a drive.
I now have to wait until next week for the final final final confirmation.
Anyway, I have 3 months notice so I cannot complain really. Who knows what will happen next week. 2007 has turned out to be quite exciting. Oh yes, the journey was tiring but with my "posh car" it wasn't that bad - it felt like taking my armchair out for a drive.
I now have to wait until next week for the final final final confirmation.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
One of "Those" days
Today will be - I have a meeting online in a few minutes and then will have to travel about 225 miles to stay in a Hotel to go and meet my bosses tomorrow to be told officially what is going on. It seems an awfully long and expensive exercise to be told that your services are no longer needed. It makes you wonder how they could ever have gotten into difficulties in the first place! Last bit to spat out with some sarcasm please :-)
The blog may go quiet for a day or so....
The blog may go quiet for a day or so....
Exercise
I got a call to say my exercise machine will arrive on Thursday so when I get back from my trip I'll be able to set up my gym and get down to some work to get fit again. I can't say I was ever super fit but I was reasonably in shape and I feel like a beach ball at the moment. I seem to have put a massive amount of weight on around my stomach and a little around my chin as I can see that.
I can't see if "My Bum looks big in this" thank goodness. I am now just checking to make sure that I exercise in the proper way, ensure that I take my BP and other readings and also try not to overdo it.
An old Project Management saying is that it takes a woman 9 months to have a baby - you cannot speed up the process by impregnating nine women to have a baby in a month (I know try telling THAT to New Labour!). Anyway - the exercise is a gradual and progressive thing - I can't expect to go crazy for 10 hours and come out with the body beautiful!
I can't see if "My Bum looks big in this" thank goodness. I am now just checking to make sure that I exercise in the proper way, ensure that I take my BP and other readings and also try not to overdo it.
An old Project Management saying is that it takes a woman 9 months to have a baby - you cannot speed up the process by impregnating nine women to have a baby in a month (I know try telling THAT to New Labour!). Anyway - the exercise is a gradual and progressive thing - I can't expect to go crazy for 10 hours and come out with the body beautiful!
Melancholic
I think that is the word I am looking for. It is how I feel right now. I'm accepting all that is happening around me and what is just about to happen and I'm feeling a little sad about it but at the same time I have a resolution that it is just another thing to meet and move on with.
I think once I get the definitive yes or no and the figures and the terms and conditions thrust in front of my face on Wednesday then I can figure out what I can do about it. As I've learnt these days it is no good second guessing things and it is no use worrying about them - that's rubbish because I am going to have some anxiety of course but I don't need to get quite as stressed out as I was earlier on with the condition or anything else that was happening to me. The trick is to try and relax and just let it ride over you. I mean it's not as if you are actually physically hurt when you lose your job. Anyway, I just have this slight nag of melancholy at the moment. Perhaps that will be gone come Thursday.
I think once I get the definitive yes or no and the figures and the terms and conditions thrust in front of my face on Wednesday then I can figure out what I can do about it. As I've learnt these days it is no good second guessing things and it is no use worrying about them - that's rubbish because I am going to have some anxiety of course but I don't need to get quite as stressed out as I was earlier on with the condition or anything else that was happening to me. The trick is to try and relax and just let it ride over you. I mean it's not as if you are actually physically hurt when you lose your job. Anyway, I just have this slight nag of melancholy at the moment. Perhaps that will be gone come Thursday.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Not Just Me
I just found out another friend of mine is also facing redundancy. It really is a sign of the times these days I suppose. I remember leaving school and listening to my father and others about having worked at their companies all their lives and being proudly shown a watch or mantle clock as proof. I think the longest I ever lasted at one company was 7 years. the shortest only a matter of days. It was what made me take up the contracting role and start my own business - at least then change would be a constant and risk and reward could be properly balanced out.
Of course when you run your own business you can't exactly make yourself redundant but there you go - you can't have everything.
Anyway, I hope that he gets sorted out as well - whilst it is one of those things - you really don't need all that pressure and all of those problems landed on you at any time let alone straight after the Christmas period.
Someone was making noises about this was "all I needed after the illness" bu actually it really isn't that big a deal. I said your attitude on life changes and this really is one of those things you look at and sort of say "Is that all you've got?" - "Go on, do something that really hurts me". You see, you can't really hurt me anymore, last year I lived through some of the worst moments of my life and whilst I am certain there can be worse moments, losing your job really isn't that high up the Richter scale.
Of course when you run your own business you can't exactly make yourself redundant but there you go - you can't have everything.
Anyway, I hope that he gets sorted out as well - whilst it is one of those things - you really don't need all that pressure and all of those problems landed on you at any time let alone straight after the Christmas period.
Someone was making noises about this was "all I needed after the illness" bu actually it really isn't that big a deal. I said your attitude on life changes and this really is one of those things you look at and sort of say "Is that all you've got?" - "Go on, do something that really hurts me". You see, you can't really hurt me anymore, last year I lived through some of the worst moments of my life and whilst I am certain there can be worse moments, losing your job really isn't that high up the Richter scale.
Why Not
Just do what we used to do when redundancy came around. Get the people you were going to make redundant, one at a time, give them their marching orders, get the security guard to go to their desk with them and pack their stuff and send them home. End of story.
this consultation process (so what bit of a consultation can you do with 50 odd people?) is a nonsense and disrupts everyone. Now say you were "at risk" but managed to consult and keep your job - just how would you feel? It tends to disturb the whole business and that is a major issue especially as you are already in the sort of position that means you have to get rid of 20% of your work force.
I'd rather know straight away and have it over and done with than all this mucking about. I suppose that would be some PC rubbish about affecting my human rights though - they've all gone mad :-)
this consultation process (so what bit of a consultation can you do with 50 odd people?) is a nonsense and disrupts everyone. Now say you were "at risk" but managed to consult and keep your job - just how would you feel? It tends to disturb the whole business and that is a major issue especially as you are already in the sort of position that means you have to get rid of 20% of your work force.
I'd rather know straight away and have it over and done with than all this mucking about. I suppose that would be some PC rubbish about affecting my human rights though - they've all gone mad :-)
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