One of my more used sayings but today I feel just like that. I can barely talk (a good thing some may say) and feel pretty rough. Not sure if I picked this up going to London on Tuesday - it is the sort of thing that happens unfortunately especially if you aren't used to squeezing onto packed commuter trains that are either too hot or too cold and you are pressed against people with the cold from hell.
Yuck - now I remember why I didn't like commuting to and from London every day!
Friday, February 09, 2007
Thursday, February 08, 2007
The Moral Dilema
So I get an opportunity to go for a contract or a permanent job.
A contract job I can get away with taking time off as I don't charge my customer and so it is down to me to pay myself sick pay and all that. Do I tell prospective customer that I have BC? I suppose it isn't relevant at the moment. Only March's tests will tell me what the long term will hold. I mean if it is good news then I'll probably be off for two days a week for three weeks every six months.
Now with a permanent employer what do I do? Lets say that I get to the last round and they want to take me on - I've mentioned nothing about current health and then the HR questionnaire comes through or the request for a medical.
If you know me you know that normally I'd volunteer this information to allow the prospect the opportunity to use that in their evaluation. I have no idea if I'd be discriminated against for having Bladder Cancer but you never know do you? What would an employer think if taking someone on who potentially is going to be off having treatment at least 12 days per year and also with Cystos and consultations you could add 4 more days I suppose.
It is looking more and more likely that the best way to go is contracting. I think I'd be comfortable knowing that it wouldn't affect the customer's bottom line where the employed route would.
An interesting dilemma.
A contract job I can get away with taking time off as I don't charge my customer and so it is down to me to pay myself sick pay and all that. Do I tell prospective customer that I have BC? I suppose it isn't relevant at the moment. Only March's tests will tell me what the long term will hold. I mean if it is good news then I'll probably be off for two days a week for three weeks every six months.
Now with a permanent employer what do I do? Lets say that I get to the last round and they want to take me on - I've mentioned nothing about current health and then the HR questionnaire comes through or the request for a medical.
If you know me you know that normally I'd volunteer this information to allow the prospect the opportunity to use that in their evaluation. I have no idea if I'd be discriminated against for having Bladder Cancer but you never know do you? What would an employer think if taking someone on who potentially is going to be off having treatment at least 12 days per year and also with Cystos and consultations you could add 4 more days I suppose.
It is looking more and more likely that the best way to go is contracting. I think I'd be comfortable knowing that it wouldn't affect the customer's bottom line where the employed route would.
An interesting dilemma.
Glad I am indoors
Snow everywhere and the usual travel chaos. I came down overnight with a stinker of a cold, a real sneeze, cough, sore throat and bunged up nose jobby. Lemsips are on the way. I was going to go up to the Chemist Shop but (and how quaint is this) it is half day closing where we live. Help is at hand though - Sainsbury is open up the road. In the meantime I have eucalyptus oil burner in my room - I can't smell a damn thing though :-)
I still haven't caught up on all my work yet but I am getting there. A few more days of this and I reckon I may have it licked. I've got a stack of filing to do but once that is done everything will start to look in order at last.
I still haven't caught up on all my work yet but I am getting there. A few more days of this and I reckon I may have it licked. I've got a stack of filing to do but once that is done everything will start to look in order at last.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
You really can
Say the word Cancer to me. Honest you can.
It is very difficult I have to admit for people to say the words and I think we have to understand that and some people have already said that they don't like the word, it stigmatises you and it paints unwanted pictures in their minds. Also for some people suffering from it they don't want anyone to know. Fair enough.
A lot of people know that in about 5 or 6 weeks I go back in for the tests to see how the treatment has worked. Tonight, I saw a number of people who I am not going to see again until May. All are wishing me well with the "next step", "the tests", "the visit", the treatment". A friend of mine said to one, "it is Cancer and you can use the word". I think perhaps that was unfair because a lot of people do have trouble with those words and I don't mind but I really prefer the word to describe what I have to be used.
However, I have said that before and it was just so marked that I still feel like a fraud as I don't look ill or anything on the outside at all. In fact, as I've said before, I look better now than I did 5 years ago. That is my opinion by the way.
So just an observation that friends and people you know as colleagues and friends of friends don't treat you different, they all wish you well but they don't want to say the word and I think that is in case they upset you. It is a shame that I had to get Cancer to understand that I could have talked to some people I knew who had cancer and talked openly about it. I wish I had but the politically correct etiquette of the world probably means you'd be taken before the Court of Human Rights if you uttered the word even beneath your breath!
It is very difficult I have to admit for people to say the words and I think we have to understand that and some people have already said that they don't like the word, it stigmatises you and it paints unwanted pictures in their minds. Also for some people suffering from it they don't want anyone to know. Fair enough.
A lot of people know that in about 5 or 6 weeks I go back in for the tests to see how the treatment has worked. Tonight, I saw a number of people who I am not going to see again until May. All are wishing me well with the "next step", "the tests", "the visit", the treatment". A friend of mine said to one, "it is Cancer and you can use the word". I think perhaps that was unfair because a lot of people do have trouble with those words and I don't mind but I really prefer the word to describe what I have to be used.
However, I have said that before and it was just so marked that I still feel like a fraud as I don't look ill or anything on the outside at all. In fact, as I've said before, I look better now than I did 5 years ago. That is my opinion by the way.
So just an observation that friends and people you know as colleagues and friends of friends don't treat you different, they all wish you well but they don't want to say the word and I think that is in case they upset you. It is a shame that I had to get Cancer to understand that I could have talked to some people I knew who had cancer and talked openly about it. I wish I had but the politically correct etiquette of the world probably means you'd be taken before the Court of Human Rights if you uttered the word even beneath your breath!
Holiday gone for a ball and chalk
I have no idea where the phrase ball and chalk come from I shall go and look it up.
I was informed this evening after having spent many hours sorting out short break holidays to anywhere in Europe, in any combination of days that No.1 Daughter needs to get course work done which is at least three days during half term which, being next week, falls across Valentine's day - really easy to get a room in a Hotel or a table in a restaurant that day too.
So my holiday is going to have to wait. Also, many attractions in the UK do not even open until Easter so you couldn't go and see much if you stayed in the country. They gave me a slot of three days and frankly to drive up to Beamish or go the Lakes or go abroad is hardly worth the effort and knowing my luck if I went to France or Belgium next week it would be half day closing or something.
So I shall have to dream up some other way of taking a vacation next week? Maybe I just ought to take myself off for a few days. Anyone fancy a few days away next week?
I was informed this evening after having spent many hours sorting out short break holidays to anywhere in Europe, in any combination of days that No.1 Daughter needs to get course work done which is at least three days during half term which, being next week, falls across Valentine's day - really easy to get a room in a Hotel or a table in a restaurant that day too.
So my holiday is going to have to wait. Also, many attractions in the UK do not even open until Easter so you couldn't go and see much if you stayed in the country. They gave me a slot of three days and frankly to drive up to Beamish or go the Lakes or go abroad is hardly worth the effort and knowing my luck if I went to France or Belgium next week it would be half day closing or something.
So I shall have to dream up some other way of taking a vacation next week? Maybe I just ought to take myself off for a few days. Anyone fancy a few days away next week?
Went OK
That wasn't half as bad as I thought. Quite an interesting evening - had a few beers (as you do) and nattered about stuff that really interests project managers. It is almost as interesting as watching paint dry - almost.
I got to use all the long words I had been practising like "Governance" "Portfolio Management" and others - cool!
Will have to see what happens on this. It could be a really interesting job. The other chap we met was also an interesting chap. I was chatting away about this job that came my way earlier for a PMO Manager (Program Management Office Manager) Ssshhh! Is that the sound of paint drying (crack, crack)?
Anyway - it transpires that it is the permanent role for the job he is contracting for. It is a damn small world out there folks.
The City has been my main stomping ground for 25 out of the 35 years I reckon and it was good to get back amongst the rude, arrogant, in your face, spend-a-lots that frequent the square mile again.
Went to one of those bars that have sprung up these days. Went to the bar - "What bitter do you have?" Answered nicely by a young Italian I think "John Smiths Smooth" - "I'll have a Peroni then please" Well it brought a smile to them all behind the bar.
I got to use all the long words I had been practising like "Governance" "Portfolio Management" and others - cool!
Will have to see what happens on this. It could be a really interesting job. The other chap we met was also an interesting chap. I was chatting away about this job that came my way earlier for a PMO Manager (Program Management Office Manager) Ssshhh! Is that the sound of paint drying (crack, crack)?
Anyway - it transpires that it is the permanent role for the job he is contracting for. It is a damn small world out there folks.
The City has been my main stomping ground for 25 out of the 35 years I reckon and it was good to get back amongst the rude, arrogant, in your face, spend-a-lots that frequent the square mile again.
Went to one of those bars that have sprung up these days. Went to the bar - "What bitter do you have?" Answered nicely by a young Italian I think "John Smiths Smooth" - "I'll have a Peroni then please" Well it brought a smile to them all behind the bar.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Feeling a little nervous about this
How strange - I'm feeling a little nervous about the meeting today. There is no reason to be other than the over weight bit at the back of my mind and whether this sneezing fit I am having is actually a cold on the way - I hope not - I don't need that either this afternoon.
I'll be off within the hour and will take my time to wander up to the City. It is a lovely day outside although quite cold and so it will be a pleasant walk across London Bridge and up Gracechurch street to Bishopsgate.
I'll be off within the hour and will take my time to wander up to the City. It is a lovely day outside although quite cold and so it will be a pleasant walk across London Bridge and up Gracechurch street to Bishopsgate.
Somewhat Quieter Morning thank goodness
I have managed to organise a few things this morning so to give myself a little bit of time. Today is the first real interview - if I can call it that - I've had for a long while. In fact, even this isn't a sit down formal interview - the last one of those I had must be about 10 years or more ago. Nearly all the work I have done has been for people I know.
Now all I need is to shoe horn myself into my suit, make sure my shoes are clean and get off to London. My schedule just keeps getting tighter though as someone else has rung up today and they are interested in me setting up a Program Office for them.
The market is more buoyant than I have seen it since the mid 90s - let's hope it stays that way.
Now all I need is to shoe horn myself into my suit, make sure my shoes are clean and get off to London. My schedule just keeps getting tighter though as someone else has rung up today and they are interested in me setting up a Program Office for them.
The market is more buoyant than I have seen it since the mid 90s - let's hope it stays that way.
You meet the nicest people
On the Internet. I know a lot of people and I have no idea what they look like, how they sound, where exactly they live, how old they are, who their family are or what race colour or creed they are.
Some people I do know and have met through the Internet and we have subsequently met up. Some have sent their photographs and some have shared their family history with me.
So what am I banging on about now I hear you ask? Well I got an e-mail from a lady whom I have known on the Internet for many years. We share a connection that is over 350 years old when her family and mine were refugees in London in the 1650s. Together these two friends faced adversity we could hardly even begin to understand today, life threatening reasons bonded them together and brought them to England to live their life free from the persecution they had suffered through all of their lives to that date. So we have shared our ancestry online and I got an e-mail tonight asking how I was. Now here is the rub. This lady had bladder cancer many years ago and had some serious operations to sort it out. When I wrote to her last year telling her what was going on in my life I got some great e-mails back, very supportive and they gave me some real hope that I'd get through it. You see, when you are first diagnosed, you think of the one question - HOW LONG - of course it doesn't cross your mind that these things are curable. So my Internet friend - shall we say cousin, was the first person that I knew to provide me with that comfort that this is survivable.
I think that the Internet is good for that sort of relationship - we are friends across many miles - in fact across continents. We know each other as sort of cousins in a way and we share an e-mail friendship that made a real difference to me in a dark time.
I just thought that it was worth saying that I have no idea, nor do I care about all the preconceptions type stuff here, race, religion, politics etc. It is the sentiment and the humanity in the message that are important. The warmth and friendship of the words and the way they are written are and have been a great comfort. So cut my standard cynical outlook for a moment and consider the blessing of friendship in all its forms.
Some people I do know and have met through the Internet and we have subsequently met up. Some have sent their photographs and some have shared their family history with me.
So what am I banging on about now I hear you ask? Well I got an e-mail from a lady whom I have known on the Internet for many years. We share a connection that is over 350 years old when her family and mine were refugees in London in the 1650s. Together these two friends faced adversity we could hardly even begin to understand today, life threatening reasons bonded them together and brought them to England to live their life free from the persecution they had suffered through all of their lives to that date. So we have shared our ancestry online and I got an e-mail tonight asking how I was. Now here is the rub. This lady had bladder cancer many years ago and had some serious operations to sort it out. When I wrote to her last year telling her what was going on in my life I got some great e-mails back, very supportive and they gave me some real hope that I'd get through it. You see, when you are first diagnosed, you think of the one question - HOW LONG - of course it doesn't cross your mind that these things are curable. So my Internet friend - shall we say cousin, was the first person that I knew to provide me with that comfort that this is survivable.
I think that the Internet is good for that sort of relationship - we are friends across many miles - in fact across continents. We know each other as sort of cousins in a way and we share an e-mail friendship that made a real difference to me in a dark time.
I just thought that it was worth saying that I have no idea, nor do I care about all the preconceptions type stuff here, race, religion, politics etc. It is the sentiment and the humanity in the message that are important. The warmth and friendship of the words and the way they are written are and have been a great comfort. So cut my standard cynical outlook for a moment and consider the blessing of friendship in all its forms.
Monday, February 05, 2007
Struggled through that lot
Well that is the 4 reports out of the way for the old employers. Phew that took me some time to do and there is still a little bit more I need to complete. I can then give the Laptop back and forget all about it.
I must sit down and make a list for myself of all I have to do this week and tick the stuff off. It is a nuisance having so many little things to do.
At least I have a couple of extra hours a day as I am not travelling like I was last week so I can hang on for a few more hours sorting things out.
We had to get a new suit over the weekend so I can go up to London tomorrow and "look the business". I haven't worn a suit since August or September and so it was a bit of a shock to see how tight it was. The new one was carefully bought with two trousers sizes in place so that as I lose weight I can fit into the second pair.
I must sit down and make a list for myself of all I have to do this week and tick the stuff off. It is a nuisance having so many little things to do.
At least I have a couple of extra hours a day as I am not travelling like I was last week so I can hang on for a few more hours sorting things out.
We had to get a new suit over the weekend so I can go up to London tomorrow and "look the business". I haven't worn a suit since August or September and so it was a bit of a shock to see how tight it was. The new one was carefully bought with two trousers sizes in place so that as I lose weight I can fit into the second pair.
So much to do so little time to do it
Suddenly I have a mountain of things to do and this week is turning out to be really busy and full of time constraints as all of these things need to get done by a certain time and date.
It doesn't help that I keep getting little things added into the mix either. No sooner did you think you had one thing cleared than another thing came up or someone wants something changed. I sat at the PC most of the weekend catching up.
Whilst the room is beginning to look tidier, the desk is beginning to groan again under a weight of papers. I am hoping that a concerted effort will get rid of this lot this week and leave me free to catch up. For the first time in a long time I have e-mails outstanding and minutes and agendas and so on are all over the place.
I think the paper shredder may be working overtime later today
It doesn't help that I keep getting little things added into the mix either. No sooner did you think you had one thing cleared than another thing came up or someone wants something changed. I sat at the PC most of the weekend catching up.
Whilst the room is beginning to look tidier, the desk is beginning to groan again under a weight of papers. I am hoping that a concerted effort will get rid of this lot this week and leave me free to catch up. For the first time in a long time I have e-mails outstanding and minutes and agendas and so on are all over the place.
I think the paper shredder may be working overtime later today
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Exercises & Diet
I am now up to 20 minutes three times a week. Last week took a bit of a bashing as I was out very early and back late on three days so there was a gap in the middle of the week.
I've now wound up the system so that I get a better resistance on the flywheel and I actually get to puff and sweat which is what you should do. There are a number of routines available some that increase and decrease and some that do a couple of increases and decreases but the last two look as if you are going up Everest so I'll leave those for a while as they look like serious fitness levels are required.
I am still sticking to a diet of sorts, eating much healthier - lots of fruit and veg and yogurt (Pro biotic) and nuts etc. I never had a bad diet before so it hasn't been too difficult to just adapt that. I do need to just change it slightly again now to ensure that I am not overdoing the calorie intake. I'm worried that I must eat the right things to help my recovery and I don't want to do what I used to do to lose weight. I just used to starve myself! Well I only used to eat one meal a day and that was in the evening (I know that is wrong) but that was how I used to do it.
There was a good programme on BBC2 last week about diet - I am going to pull down the information pack and read through it. Internet is wonderful for that sort of thing. Remember when you had to go to the Ceefax [age and copy out a recipe you liked? Now you go to the shows home page and print it off or download it. Cool!
I've now wound up the system so that I get a better resistance on the flywheel and I actually get to puff and sweat which is what you should do. There are a number of routines available some that increase and decrease and some that do a couple of increases and decreases but the last two look as if you are going up Everest so I'll leave those for a while as they look like serious fitness levels are required.
I am still sticking to a diet of sorts, eating much healthier - lots of fruit and veg and yogurt (Pro biotic) and nuts etc. I never had a bad diet before so it hasn't been too difficult to just adapt that. I do need to just change it slightly again now to ensure that I am not overdoing the calorie intake. I'm worried that I must eat the right things to help my recovery and I don't want to do what I used to do to lose weight. I just used to starve myself! Well I only used to eat one meal a day and that was in the evening (I know that is wrong) but that was how I used to do it.
There was a good programme on BBC2 last week about diet - I am going to pull down the information pack and read through it. Internet is wonderful for that sort of thing. Remember when you had to go to the Ceefax [age and copy out a recipe you liked? Now you go to the shows home page and print it off or download it. Cool!
Life, The Universe & Everything
1:45 am. wide awake and there are no answers. It's midlife crisis time folks and there are actually so many variables to consider that it is making my head spin.
What am I going to do from this point on is the question I suppose. I think I have an opportunity here.
A real job
A vocational job
A mixture of both
Part Time contracting
Full Time contracting
Set up a business catering for my genealogical tendencies
Get that Tea Shop somewhere
Do some voluntary work
Go back into my old industry
Change career entirely
Do a simple job and be told what to do (not sure I could)
Go away
Move from the area
Pack up everything I do now and start off doing something else
As always, it all depends on money, circumstances and things like health, family, work, private life, friends and diagnosis. Perhaps I ought to wait until after March and the Op - at least I'd know the outcome then. I suppose it doesn't hurt to speculate, plan and work through the various scenarios to get it clear in your head. Dependant on insurance and other circumstances including whether the company will actually be able to honour my redundancy pay (it is looking shaky) will also determine my short term plans.
I suppose things will sort themselves out. You really do get knocked sideways and you also start questioning an awful lot of things that you took for routine a year ago. The striking of a balance is the next bit to get right. I have lists and lists of things and ideas and trial ideas lying around. Writing the lists helps me get things out in a logical way, evaluate them, challenge things and arrive at decisions - curiously enough the paper is relatively useless after it has helped me rationalise the information. I must learn to shred and get rid of it more often than I do then, they are piling up with loads of great ideas and curious thoughts too.
The other issue is whether anyone wants to come with me on whatever course or courses I choose? Just another variable to be slung liberally into the pot and make deciding harder.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Surprising Amount of things to do
The thing about sticking three days of unplanned work into the middle of the week is that I worked until 2 this morning and I am back and at it today already trying to catch up. Filing and cleaning up the office. I can actually see the whole of my drawing board which is normally deep in papers. Impressive. I can see the wood on my desk but not right across it yet - perhaps later but they do say that "A clean desk is the sign of a sick mind". Which in fact sums me up exactly - the sick mind bit anyway.
Just to add to my woes my laptop has just blue screened half way through producing a rather complicated plan. I think I saved it a moment ago. What a bummer.
If that is the way Saturday is going to pan out you'd better wait outside my window you could catch some free IT equipment as it gets hurled out of my office window.
TTFN
Friday, February 02, 2007
That's Better
I managed to get on with some work this afternoon and forget about the morning's little distractions. Still cracking away at the stuff I should have done down the week!
I am looking forward to a relaxing weekend I think.
I am looking forward to a relaxing weekend I think.
One of THOSE days
I've had less and less of the bad days, I think you do once the treatment is out of the way. I've kept my side of the bargain and continued to eat well and look after myself but most of the horror bits are behind me but I still have to go back into Hospital and have the tests, I am hoping that this time things are a little better than the last time :-)
Today, for some reason has been a bad brain day. It is possibly that the last three days have been so filled with working that today when I am working but on my own in my office I've had time to think. I'm sure that the advert (see earlier post) really stirred me up last night and come to think of it my dreams were all about being in hospital again.
So there you go, you are never sure when one of "those days" is going to come along, you just have to work your way through them. It is a strange feeling though - most of the morning I have felt fine unless I take too much time to think about things (previous blogs for example) and it has been almost as if I've been fighting back tears that are just sitting there waiting for a weak moment.
The most peculiar thing is I'm not feeling depressed or anything like it today. One of those things to watch out for, let your guard down for a moment and back come all the doubts and worries. I'll soon get rid of them - I always do.
Today, for some reason has been a bad brain day. It is possibly that the last three days have been so filled with working that today when I am working but on my own in my office I've had time to think. I'm sure that the advert (see earlier post) really stirred me up last night and come to think of it my dreams were all about being in hospital again.
So there you go, you are never sure when one of "those days" is going to come along, you just have to work your way through them. It is a strange feeling though - most of the morning I have felt fine unless I take too much time to think about things (previous blogs for example) and it has been almost as if I've been fighting back tears that are just sitting there waiting for a weak moment.
The most peculiar thing is I'm not feeling depressed or anything like it today. One of those things to watch out for, let your guard down for a moment and back come all the doubts and worries. I'll soon get rid of them - I always do.
New Cancer Research UK Advert
I often wondered how it would feel to watch one of their adverts if you have Cancer.
I found out last night, the new advert is pretty good and before I'd worked out quite what I was watching the advert had delivered its message. It was a very good advert and one that explains the feelings when you are diagnosed and gives a lot of hope that many cancers are survivable.
It surprised me how upset it made me and yet I don't think now I'd know how someone without Cancer would view the advert as I can't put myself there.
Why was it upsetting? Being diagnosed is probably different for everyone. I remember looking down at the floor and acknowledging that I'd probably guessed what it was. I think I nodded my head and then drew a long breath and looked up again. I listened intently to what I was being told. Heard that it was most probably smoking related and in fact I was more interested in escaping so I could rush to the toilet as I'd just had the scope and everything was coming back to life after the local anaesthetic.
The only word I could use was numb. I was a bit traumatised by the scope anyway, I had been pleasantly surprised that I had managed to get through the examination and to find that whilst it wasn't pleasant it wasn't anything like as bad as I had dreamt it could be.
The shock doesn't take hold for some time afterwards. In fact, to a point, it is a relief that you finally find out what is wrong with you. I think if you have a good idea what it is already, then whilst you hope that it isn't what you think it is (if only it had been something simple) then you can deal with it. I'm not sure what I would have thought had I just been told straight out and I hadn't even considered I had cancer.
After a while, the numb feeling goes away and the trauma of having to go to hospital kicks in. Everything happened so fast that I really didn't give it a second thought. They were going to do what they could to get the tumour out, they moved really fast and the rest is recorded in the blog.
I think the full extent of what had happened to me hit home when I got home on the Thursday afternoon from Hospital. I just sat in a chair and had a good cry.
I think I actually had the biggest upset when I got home from the Doctor's that first time and when I knew that I was seriously ill. I'd guessed that for the week leading up to the appointment. Getting home and realising that I might have Cancer, that I might die and that I might not see my Children grow up, predecease my parents and so on was amazingly difficult to come to terms with.
I'm going to stop writing now as I have come over all unnecessary just thinking about it.
Anyway the advert is very good, what I meant to say was that it really got to me and I wonder how other people with cancer feel when they see it? It achieves what it sets out to but for the 1 in 4 of us who have the disease it flashes you back to the stuff above. Not sure if that is good or bad but look at the memories it kicked up and they were happily suppressed until I wrote this.
Where are the Kleenex?
I found out last night, the new advert is pretty good and before I'd worked out quite what I was watching the advert had delivered its message. It was a very good advert and one that explains the feelings when you are diagnosed and gives a lot of hope that many cancers are survivable.
It surprised me how upset it made me and yet I don't think now I'd know how someone without Cancer would view the advert as I can't put myself there.
Why was it upsetting? Being diagnosed is probably different for everyone. I remember looking down at the floor and acknowledging that I'd probably guessed what it was. I think I nodded my head and then drew a long breath and looked up again. I listened intently to what I was being told. Heard that it was most probably smoking related and in fact I was more interested in escaping so I could rush to the toilet as I'd just had the scope and everything was coming back to life after the local anaesthetic.
The only word I could use was numb. I was a bit traumatised by the scope anyway, I had been pleasantly surprised that I had managed to get through the examination and to find that whilst it wasn't pleasant it wasn't anything like as bad as I had dreamt it could be.
The shock doesn't take hold for some time afterwards. In fact, to a point, it is a relief that you finally find out what is wrong with you. I think if you have a good idea what it is already, then whilst you hope that it isn't what you think it is (if only it had been something simple) then you can deal with it. I'm not sure what I would have thought had I just been told straight out and I hadn't even considered I had cancer.
After a while, the numb feeling goes away and the trauma of having to go to hospital kicks in. Everything happened so fast that I really didn't give it a second thought. They were going to do what they could to get the tumour out, they moved really fast and the rest is recorded in the blog.
I think the full extent of what had happened to me hit home when I got home on the Thursday afternoon from Hospital. I just sat in a chair and had a good cry.
I think I actually had the biggest upset when I got home from the Doctor's that first time and when I knew that I was seriously ill. I'd guessed that for the week leading up to the appointment. Getting home and realising that I might have Cancer, that I might die and that I might not see my Children grow up, predecease my parents and so on was amazingly difficult to come to terms with.
I'm going to stop writing now as I have come over all unnecessary just thinking about it.
Anyway the advert is very good, what I meant to say was that it really got to me and I wonder how other people with cancer feel when they see it? It achieves what it sets out to but for the 1 in 4 of us who have the disease it flashes you back to the stuff above. Not sure if that is good or bad but look at the memories it kicked up and they were happily suppressed until I wrote this.
Where are the Kleenex?
My Diary Just filled up by Magic
Suddenly, I have lots of things to do and hardly any time left to do them. I need to sort out time to fit loads of things in and the three days worth of work were good but have eaten into what I had planned this week.
Half-term is coming along like a train and it looks like I am the only person who could make the whole week to go on holiday - the rest of the household have things on. So much for missing out on holidays last year and doing something this half term!
I suppose we will have to wait until Easter if I am OK then.
So next week is looking absolutely chaotic as I try and fit what looks like 10 days worth of work into 5.
Half-term is coming along like a train and it looks like I am the only person who could make the whole week to go on holiday - the rest of the household have things on. So much for missing out on holidays last year and doing something this half term!
I suppose we will have to wait until Easter if I am OK then.
So next week is looking absolutely chaotic as I try and fit what looks like 10 days worth of work into 5.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Previous Post sort of reminded me about...
Spike Mlligan's Epitaph:
"I told you I was ill!"
Brilliant - I wish I'd have thought of it.
I said I was tired
Three days in and I was home late last night as I needed to check that things were OK. Today I went in early and by 3 pm I was absolutely knackered I could hardly keep my eyes open and a couple of times went for a nod as the PC mouse slid around - oh dear. Anyway, I had a chat and got off early and brought some stuff home. I am not used to the intensity of the work I was doing - very long periods of concentration and lots of figures and dates to work with so very high levels on those.
Anyway - If I needed a "wake up call" - terrible pun I know - this was it. It is back to the earlier blogs about needing to build up your stamina again and also on concentration levels - well today was proof, mind you it was a severe test as the work is full on and normally I'd be doing a series of things in a day and can manage them around how I am. Here of course, it is a piece of work set for you and defined so much harder than I was expecting.
Will I go back to construction again? I think not.
It sure was nice to get there early each day, get a newspaper and go to the greasy spoon for breakfast - you may not be able to do that every day but I made an exception. I have been very good on the Fibre, ProBiotics and all that stuff so a little of what you like doesn't hurt you.
Also, why does all the food that you really like have such serious consequences for your health? I suppose the good stuff tastes absolutely awful!
Anyway - If I needed a "wake up call" - terrible pun I know - this was it. It is back to the earlier blogs about needing to build up your stamina again and also on concentration levels - well today was proof, mind you it was a severe test as the work is full on and normally I'd be doing a series of things in a day and can manage them around how I am. Here of course, it is a piece of work set for you and defined so much harder than I was expecting.
Will I go back to construction again? I think not.
It sure was nice to get there early each day, get a newspaper and go to the greasy spoon for breakfast - you may not be able to do that every day but I made an exception. I have been very good on the Fibre, ProBiotics and all that stuff so a little of what you like doesn't hurt you.
Also, why does all the food that you really like have such serious consequences for your health? I suppose the good stuff tastes absolutely awful!
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