New Week - Time to get organised

Yep, I'm doing something every day this week and it looks as if it is going to be a busy one with work stuff and clearing up and archiving loads of stuff in my office. I did a shed load of clearing yesterday and I am left with just a few files to sort out. Now I need to start on the three shelves of software CDs and DVDs I have. They might just be better suited being put into a CD file system rather than being left in their Jewel cases.

I'm also archiving and backing up the computers again and hopefully I'll get rid of my old company laptop this week or the next as I have almost finished the work I was doing for them

Saturday night was bad

I went to a party and felt as if I was the only person who wanted to be there. All they wanted to do was to get home, all I wanted to do was to enjoy myself. It hardly seemed worth going the fuss everyone made so I'm wondering why. Also hence there were many strange blogs yesterday and in the early hours of this morning. Nothing sinister just a bit more whinging than I normally am!

Missing Posts

If you wondered what happened to the last 6 posts I did last night - well I pulled them as they went over the line. If you read them, then you probably saw more of what I've been thinking about these past months than you should have. If you didn't read them, they were far too open when I re-read them in the cold light of day.

Lucky Really

Those few layers of cells stopped it being a very sad story. But then yesterday I got a note from one of my far flung cousins who has had their bladder removed a long time ago and that's fine but now there are lots of complications and all sorts of things happening, most wholly unrelated - part of getting old. The thing here is that I don't have lots of things wrong with me, I've been well for 30 years and so I suppose I am lucky and shouldn't moan too much.

It's a big deal if you got something like this and yet, looking around there really are people far, far worse off than yourself.

Back to this changing thing again

I've changed. My outlook is different, my temperament is different, my worries are different and my ability to or the way I compute things is different too.

Outlook: I really didn't think I'd be here once I knew what I was diagnosed with. I know differently now but to think that I was only a few microscopic cells between one life and another is scary. Because I am alive and I am fit and I am pretty healthy I'm going to look at things differently. I used to be indestructible but now I know I am not, that I'm mortal and that my body didn't hold up to the onslaught that was my lifestyle.

What else? Not sure at the moment. I'm not sure if I want to share what is crystallizing in my mind with everyone reading this blog. At the back of my mind is the real possibility that where I am and what I do and how I live ought to be changed. I can't tell if that is a radical change or just a few things. I am no longer going in the same direction as everyone else and I'm not sure if I want to force myself to conform to what I did before I was diagnosed. Sorry that was a bit oblique but read between the lines and I think you'll get there especially those who know me.

Temperament: That is different these days. I still haven't equalised this out. Anger one moment, tears the next, huge highs and massive lows. OK the lows aren't that bad and they aren't that dark (they were early on) I'm happy to be alive, a little too extrovert for my liking and a little too loud and too me, me, me as well. One minute I ridicule my condition the next it is a serious thing. I don't know what balance to have and no doubt it will settle down with time.

It is difficult to hold a balanced view. I'm terrified of the stuff to come shortly yet I'll get through it. It's necessary, I'm not brave either. I have a serious condition and yet I can be dismissive of that too. I think that the settling down will come once the situation has settled down. Things are still unknown and still to be finalised and to be set out. At each stage things have gotten better. This next step could be good news and suddenly (if it is) everything will become clear and a plan can be put in place and efforts can be channelled and geared towards it and perhaps I can get down to "normality" whatever that will be then.

My Worries are different: What I mean by that is that I'm at a stage where I can sort out important things in my life like paying the house off and that sort of thing. I now have the flexibility to change the way I am living to suit whatever is thrown at me. I'm past caring about climbing the greasy pole at a corporate level, life became too short for working your tail off with my diagnosis. I may still need to work but I need to work smarter not harder and I don't need all the rubbish that goes with it.

The way I compute things: Interesting thing to say perhaps? What I mean by that is that I no longer think in the same way I did before. I'm no longer as cautious as I was before and I don't think too long and hard about doing something that I'll enjoy. I almost got agoraphobic at one point and I don't want that to happen again. I'm also finding somethings difficult to think about and to come to decisions about. I've already alluded to the fact (above) that I'm veering off on a different path and I can't quite understand that. Perhaps I've now got the chance of having more time to think and consider my actions and reactions and whereas in the past I'd let things go or tow the line, perhaps now I'm asking more questions and using the word "Why?" more often.

I don't like the idea of anyone getting hurt along the way but I foresee that as a by product. I don't think it is just the patient who suffers with cancer. I have a feeling that there is going to be more upset and disruption to come and that there is a price to pay. I can imagine in terminal cases that it brings people closer together or tears them apart. I have a feeling that something like that is going to happen eventually.

So, that stuff above reflects my thoughts on Friday night. I still need to re-assure everyone that this blog is the safety valve and my sounding board too. The process of coming to terms with my new found life necessitates me going through these questions and emotions - to share them on here doesn't always mean that I agree with them or that they will happen. Roll the caveats (no animal was hurt during the writing of this blog - the events and characters are fictitious etc :-) )

Of course, I may find out that all this "deep and meaningful" stuff really doesn't matter at all - just my way of coming to terms with everything.

Now I've Thought it through

it all makes some sense and I don't feel quite so bad about things. I can now quite happily move everything back to mid March and work from there. It is a nuisance of course but it will allow me to get rid of the old job and shake off the "baggage" that has with it. Additionally it will allow me to get myself in some sort of order back here.

I feel a spring clean of my office coming on and I have made quite a good start. What exactly can you do with a few thousand 3 1/2" floppy disks, I must have close to 500 CDs and a few hundred DVDs all containing computer software and files which need to be put somewhere or just thrown away. So I've plenty to keep me occupied and who knows I might just get myself organised.

Saying No

Despite all the things I have said about being more assertive and doing my own thing. I still don't say "NO" half enough. It really leads you into half the difficulties you find yourself in. If I'd have said no a few weeks ago I wouldn't have been worrying about getting a job.

Nothing to Worry About

Doh! As my old mate Homer J Simpson says.

There is me worrying about starting a new job and all that and there really isn't any reason to worry at all:

1. I'm on PAID garden leave until the 17th April so what is the rush?
2. By that time, whatever would have happened to me I'd be recuperated or would have had 3 treatments
3. The way work is at the moment, I should be OK to find another job
4. My health is far more important than starting a job straight away

There - it was; easy once I'd sat down and thought about it without any distractions.

Alone in the House

And back to my normal quiet self. Bashing on with this week's paperwork and planning out what I am going to be doing next week. Next week looks manic as I'm out every day by the looks of things. Yes 6 days non stop out and about.

So, today I am getting ready for that. I have a speech to do for next Friday - I suppose I ought to start that as well!

Don't lose your sense of humour

Guardian Angel was "on to me" earlier :-)

I need to state publicly that I have not lost my sense of humour nor have I succumbed to the "Dark Side".

It has been one of those weeks - half term, no holiday when I was expecting one, people wanting me to work when all I want is a holiday and so on. The anger of the situation is actually directed nicely at the pages of this blog. It works a treat for me to get it out of my head and onto this electronic paper.

However I have not lost my sense of humour - black as that may be!

Pent up anger and agression

It surprises me and I have no doubt a lot of people that I get really angry with things these days. I no longer care what people (that are not known to me) think about me and I can quickly launch into a broadside if I thing they are wasting my time or just downright rude or some other such excuse.

I think that I am actually a lot more relaxed especially with friends and family but know that I am also full on expressing myself and being "me with cancer" - it is a totally different "me" to this time last year for example.

But this anger thing is strange. I'm feeling quite calm here, sitting in front of my PC and banging out a few lines and yet I'm angry at the same time. I can't tell you what about - I think it is because I've got cancer and I've got to go back in and they are going to stick things in me again and I'm going to have to go through some other unpleasantness. Maybe it is that no one changed except me (I said this a day or so ago). Maybe it is that I've want to do things and "escape" a bit but the moral dilemma is that I still have to go on providing and "being there" and I'd be quite happy to pack my bag, jump in the car and go and walk around the Lakes or go to the West Coast of Scotland or something. Maybe that IS why I'm angry.

It is still strange though, pent up rage, anger, aggression and yet I don't feel like yelling or breaking anything just seething seems to work for me :-) Right this moment, I don't feel any anger at all. It's out now. On the blog and for all to see.

I can easily believe that a lot of people with cancer are angry though. You finally find some sort of truth about yourself and you are so far entrenched that you can't get out and live the life you think that perhaps you now ought to be living.

Thanks to an old friend for this saying "The biggest rut you have to get out of is the rut you're in".

I think if there is going to be a change it will be monumental though.

Impressive - Most Impressive

The London Eye that is. I wasn't certain I'd enjoy it but it really is good and the views on a day like to day are great. We cheated - we knew it was going to be glorious sunshine today and so booked late last night to go. You just turn up, stick your credit card in a machine which prints out your tickets. A spot of lunch and on the the Photography Gallery and then to China Town and the National Portrait Gallery.

It has been a great day out, I could have stayed on for more but everyone else was tired. Bless!

Poxy Uncertainty

I have just realised how much the forthcoming operation is going to mean to me - it is, as I expected, bang in the wrong place for me to start a new job. Redundancy complete 17th April. Hospital 12th March (expected) and then if OK, 2 weeks later 26th March results and (please let it be this) BCG immunotherapy would start following Monday for three weeks. Taking me through to the 16th April! What does that do? It means that until I have seen the results on the 26th I would have no certainty on what days I could start. I really couldn't start until after 17th April contractually and otherwise as the treatment would mean starting a new job and being off on the sick for two days in the first three weeks.

It also means that any idea I had of a holiday in April can also go by the way as well.

Strewth.

It isn't a rehearsal

Someone told me that a few years ago. "Life isn't a rehearsal; you don't get a second go at this!"

Yet try and get someone to change and do something even a little outrageous and tell them "life's too short" or repeat the warning above and it zooms over their heads.

I'm wondering whether to just go and do stuff myself - on my own or with someone else. Trouble is someone is going to get hurt if I do. So do I take my own advice or do I just stay doing the safe stuff from now on?

Anger Management

I could still easily rip that idiot's head off. Damn Snake Oil salesman. I hope he meets someone with cancer soon who explains the facts of life to him.

It's good to have a little rage every now and then.

Snake Oil, Pills and Anti Cancer Drug Salespeople

On a networking platform I've just read this utter b*ll**Ks from some MLM pill salesman about Cancer. Twat - he hasn't got any idea what it is about and what it is like. I want to go online and flame the b**t**d but I'd only threaten the git with physical violence.

These stupid kids who pick up some US idea that Cancer can be cured by taking some extract or other need to be strapped to a table whilst I borrow some of the more interesting surgical equipment I've had used on me and let me experiment putting these in to places where they should be but by an amateur. The bloke is a disgrace.

I will have fun if I meet him at a networking event as I will destroy the little git and reduce him to tears if he has any sort of brain. I'll carry on with my medication and he can carry on shoving pills, berries and snake oil up his arse.

I bet you can't tell that this guy sort of made me see red can you? So if you see any snake oil or pill salesmen (oh and the other ones sell shakes and drinks) just don't wait; smack them straight in the mouth and say that it came from me. What a useless waste of oxygen, time and space these people are. The trouble is the false hope they must give to all the people who buy this stuff. Can you imagine that these people live on the misery and despair of those who are going through the most horrible times of their lives. I feel I've wasted to much Internet ink on them. They should be put down at birth. Failing that they should be made to take their pills and snake oil and become the subject of the clinical trials they spout prove the efficacy of their potions.

Oh yeah - if you peddle this filth don't even think about commenting on my blog it will just get blanked out.

Aha that will be it

I think I figured out this a bit now but only a bit.

I've changed massively, it all happened to me and my brain is computing all the variables and my body is telling me how much it hurts, doesn't hurt, is uncomfortable and so on. I do tell the family some of this. my wife knows more of the times when I've been curled up in a ball but other than that, my condition hasn't changed them particularly. We know that whilst it is nasty and life threatening that now I'm under observation and treatment then things are manageable.

So, what am I driving at? I've only realised that it is only me that sees thing this clearly and sees an urgency to wanting to do things. Everyone else has of course, been supportive and sympathetic but their life HASN'T changed. That is it. They have to carry on as they need to, going to college and school and work. Its me that is struggling with all the permutations and mulling decisions and turning over why I couldn't see why it didn't matter to anyone but me that we didn't go on holiday this week.

I know a hell of a lot about my disease, my diagnosis, the percentages, the possible outcomes and the long term prognosis. I'm not laying down in an oxygen tent or in intensive care or a hospice so I'm alright and if you didn't know that I had Cancer you'd probably think that you'd met someone who was a little more livelier than you'd have expected.

So, I'm on the journey, the family haven't been affected half as much as I think they have. I've convinced those (including myself) that I'm not going to peg out tomorrow and so generally as you can't see the change then it must be that I'm OK.

Note to self - only you are thinking like that not everyone else is tuned in to your wavelength and they have no idea why it is a great idea to get away to a place you've never been to. So life goes on as normal - its just you that is no longer normal :-) Goes back to an earlier post about being selfish in a way. I feel I have changed beyond recognition in the last 6 months but obviously not to the folks around me.

The LAST thing I want

Is these Spam messages talking about Penis enlargement - Frankly I have enough worries about what the Hospital are going to stick up there next. Any larger and the catheter would have to be longer and any longer and well, it just wouldn't be fair :-)

So, can you stop the Penis enlargement e-mails and also the breast enlargement ones to as whatever tablets I have had already seem to have worked :-)

A nice evening out

With the wife and the girls and we went and saw Mary Poppins the stage show version. It was very good. I'd suggest you try and put behind any memories of the film and you are OK, the bloke that plays Dick didn't take lessons from Dick Van Dyke! Where did he get that accent from? One of life's great mysteries.

Anyway, it was really nice to get out. I was almost becoming agoraphobic I think. It takes a bit to get me moving these days but once I am out of the house I generally get into the swing of things and enjoy myself.

That's worrying

Sat down and listened to a James Taylor CD. Now I know something is wrong :-)

At least it isn't that lethal cocktail of Leonard Cohen, a Bottle of Scotch and a loaded revolver!

If anyone hears me humming "You've got a friend" give me a slap - nuff said....