I was expecting a quiet week

It's the early hours of Monday morning and I have just looked at my diary/wall chart and see that I don't have a free day this week at all! Somehow I have managed to be out every day and for someone that doesn't actually have a job, I have stacks of things to do. I'm going to have to prioritise all this in the morning as I just don't know how I am going to fit it all in.

Nice to be busy I suppose?

Can you admit that

You are absolutely sh1t scared of what is coming up? I don't think you can really let it all out. There's the bloke bit - you don't show emotion. There's the family bit - you don't show that it could be worse than it is (not sure if this makes any shock situation worse or not?). The other thing is that you put on a "brave face" - it's all very British and "Stiff Upper Lip" etc.

However, I've had three months to stew over this - I should have been in on Monday so a week late sort of adds to the tension but, at the end of this really is that I am sh1t scared this time. I actually think I don't need to be. I know what is going to happen to me. I know the drill, I know how to get out of hospital quicker than the first time and I know my way around but that isn't what is getting to me. It is this:

1st Time - all a rush, emergency surgery - cut the cancer out and evaluate the problem. 2 days after diagnosis - wow what a rush!

2nd Time - in for biopsies (what should happen this time) wake to find heavy surgery and cleaning up previous work, lots of other wok and some retrograde stuff. Hurts like hell, feel like sh1t and really mauled about this time. BUT - halted the problems, reviewed the diagnosis and hey, actually better prognosis than after first go.

3rd time - is that real? Did the treatment work? Is the cancer contained? Oh please that it is (if it isn't - we really don't want to go there). What happens next? Is it serious or is it maintenance?

I feel that it is all going to be good news and I feel well although I can feel my body starting to get ready for the hurt.

If it isn't good news, I'll be devastated of course but I WILL get over it. I just haven't factored that into my life plan at the moment. If it is good news then that is great but it will still impact my life in such a way that I will need to find flexible employment.

Anyway, I think it is totally natural to be so scared and apprehensive. I bet they look at my BP readings on Tuesday and comment about them. I mean - knowing what I've got to go through and expecting me to be calm, rational and reasonable about it just isn't going to happen. You can rationalise a bit but you can't fight your emotions with logic all the time.

I draw the line at

Taking bets on the outcome of the tests. Come on guys. that is blacker than my Tee Shirt.

However, if there is still room I'd like £50 on................................

Just Plain Weird

I think that you have to acknowledge that if you know me - you'll have to come to this conclusion sooner rather than later.

My taste in films and music alone floor most. The absurdity of MY humour will get you if the former does not.

Tonight, I was considering the fate of the dinosaurs. Sat there eating their meal at their favourite restaurant (McDinos) and one turns to the others and asks whether they saw "Horizon" last night. "I mean, what are the possibilities of being wiped out by a gigantic asteroids and a caldera?"

If you thought that was funny - welcome to my world.

If you think that I should be locked up then join the others petitioning for that right now.

No I'm not going to tell you where to sign up of course. If I knew I'd sign up myself :-)

Cut Price

My friend's son is working in the urology department at the moment!

Should I take his kind offer and meet him in a lay-by and get the job done real cheap?

It's tempting n'est pas? Drive out for the evening. Park up in some country lane, Headlights flash in synchronisation with theirs. A quick move to park cars next door to each other. A movement of passengers from one car to the other (and equipment). Windows steamed up and suspension creaking.

Just as you are about to get your cheap cystoscopy, a rap on the window from the local constabulary and you end up being warned for indecent exposure - no matter that you were halfway through some complicated medical procedure! Damn....

Wag tells me that they charge for Catheterisation by the inch. For me they'll make an exception and do it by the millimetre. I don't know whether to be insulted or not?

Interesting e-mail

I got an e-mail or rather a private message which was rather nice - someone I don't know wishing me well. It puts a little smile on your face when you get one of those - RAOK - a Random Act of Kindness. Nice one!

Actually it has quite made my day thinking about it.

Selfish Streak

I said it before I think. You can be awfully selfish and awfully grumpy, awkward and downright instransigent. At least I find myself being like that. Not all the time just occasionally and I catch myself being a real pain in the arse sometimes.

Selfishness comes with the territory I feel. The rest is the anger working its way out. Bag man on the doorstep wants to sell me something - this time I didn't even give him the time of day. Told him straight that I knew what he had in the bag and that as far as I was concerned he'd be wasting his time trying to sell me stuff from it. I've seen these guys congregating in the local pub afterwards. Making a living - perhaps but they were banging back the beers at an alarming rate.

The flashes of utter rage and also prolonged anger get channeled elsewhere and confrontation and making your point forcibly are other occasional events. I've always had a bit of a sharp tongue anyway - these days I have to bite it really hard to stop myself launching into stuff and situations that just wind me up. I get far more wound up than I ever used to before. My high level of tolerance, even with people who defy the gene pool has evaporated.

Well you have been warned.

Someone Said that I was brave and

That they wouldn't know what to do if they had to go through what I am going through.

I don't think it is brave particularly. I think that you have an option to make the best of it, take the pragmatic approach. Attitude and positive thinking (of course you have doubts too) are all things you can lean on to get you through.

You learn to live with things pretty quickly I find. The key thing is to understand what you are being told, accept it (that is a hard thing) and then get on with it.

Each step is a little bit more of the story.

Day one - you have cancer but it isn't known how bad
Day two - we think it is bad
Day three - it isn't as bad as we first feared
Day four - we can do something about this now we have you under control

and so on. That is how it goes and it isn't brave it's just life. And that is the thing to celebrate. Until they threaten that it is going to go away from you - you really don't know how much of the time you have had you've wasted.

Blimey that was creepy

I just read that last post - creepy lyrics indeed

Anyway, if I wasn't worried enough about going in that time I don't suppose that made things an awful lot better.

I still have so much stuff to get done before I go in and suddenly next week is full up in the diary again.

I have no idea how I am going to get everything done but I suppose it is better that way.

Those Lyrics

Yep - I actually quite like this song now - I hardly think I needed to be hearing these words just before being wheeled in. :-)

I don't suppose I'll worry too much about that this time however.

Anyway - here you are for what it is worth


Hope there's someone
Who'll take care of me
When I die, will I go

Hope there's someone
Who'll set my heart free
Nice to hold when I'm tired

There's a ghost on the horizon
When I go to bed
How can I fall asleep at night
How will I rest my head

Oh I'm scared of the middle place
Between light and nowhere
I don't want to be the one
Left in there, left in there

There's a man on the horizon
Wish that I'd go to bed If
I fall to his feet tonight
Will allow rest my head

So here's hoping
I will not drown
Or paralyze in light

And godsend
I don't want to go
To the seal's watershed

Hope there's someone
Who'll take care of me
When I die, Will I go

Hope there's someone
Who'll set my heart free
Nice to hold when I'm tired

Music

I used to take in a number of CDs to Hospital and a book. I've bought myself an MP3 player now.

I find that listening to the music allows me to deal with the stress reasonably well. So what music do I take in?

Ludovico Einaudi
Antony & the Johnsons - I am a bird now
Classical - relaxing classics (Classic FM version)
Yann Tierson - Sound track to Amelie
Michael Nyman - best of
David Gray
Colin Bluntstone

It is all very middle of the road stuff except I suppose Antony & the Johnsons. For those in the know the track I was listening to just before I had the first operation was "Hope there's someone" and if I find the lyrics I'll stick them up here. It was pretty spooky listening to that track and then opening my eyes to see the porters there ready to wheel me down. Of course at that time, everything was a blur and we had no idea if the cancer was localised or not - sh1t scary stuff - believe me. Anyway, I quite like this track now :-)

The Scary Factor

I was chatting to a friend this morning about the forthcoming operation and the assessment. The last time I had an assessment they completed that and the next thing that happened was I got wheeled down to theatre so this will be a first.

I really can't stand having blood taken so I definitely don't look forward to anything to do with needles or syringes (as you may recall from the BCG syringes they use!).

So I can only imagine that my Blood Pressure will be through the roof and I just hope that they don't keep me waiting as it won't get any better doing that either.

It is the 0.1% that will get you

I just saw an advert on TV. Some domestic spray you can use that kills 99.9% of household germs including a whole host of named nasties.

The worry is the didn't mention what the 0.1% was that it didn't get rid of? Not that I should worry that much about it I suppose.

Choices

So my old company would like me to work for them based on a contract rate. I suppose that isn't such a bad idea really. I could certainly do part time and I suppose it would fit nicely with the uncertainty of the outcome of Monday week's tests.

At least this way if I have to take time off it isn't going to mess up a new employer's area.

I find it amazing that they are having to look to get me back. I don't think that they realised the aftershock of the redundnacies would have been to make those who were thinking of leaving take the decision for themselves but you can imagine if you have mortgage and you are not sure where the next penny is coming from you have to make those sorts of decisions.

What that means is that because I can do the whole piece - I could go back and be managed by the people I used to manage - which is very funny as they will make me do what I was making them do :-)

Brilliant Evening

I heard some great news from a friend of mine that his wife is getting better and making a great recovery and I feel really lifted. He has been really kind and called me on the odd occasion just to see how I am and to offer me his support and all the time his wife hasn't been at all well. Every now and then your faith in human kind is restored.

I was at a Jazz night this evening and it was one of those magic ones. A few guests turned up and they jammed along brilliantly and there were some great solos, really good musicianship and with Speckled Hen at £2.40 a pint - you just can't go wrong really.

Fantastic night and good company. I feel much better - better than I have for a couple of weeks and it isn't the beer doing that - it is the "high" of hearing that my friend's wife is so much better and on the mend and for enjoying a good night out.

So they'd like me to work with them again

How about that. Possibility of going back to work with the company that are laying me off.

It often happens that there are a round of redundancies followed by some major people leaving followed by some key people leaving and suddenly you are struggling. These guys now don't have people available to deliver! Hey ho, what do I know?

I need to think about this. It could work to my advantage in that I need part time work and they need me.

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

It has been a busy old day again

I am off out again soon to listen to some live music - Trad Jazz. It is a nice evening out, I'm probably the youngest one there :-) The beer is cheap and the company is good and the music is always played well - wit occasional variances in quality but normally it is good fun. I also get a good walk there and sometimes back as well.

Talking of which I ramped up to 30 minutes exercising this morning only to have a phone call at 20 minutes. No I couldn't be bothered after the call to reset the machine for a further 10 minutes - perhaps tomorrow.

So I've had three meetings face - to - face and a couple of phone call meetings and a few e-mail exchanges too.

At least it keeps my mind off next week and the week after.

I am encouraged by

The occasional note I get saying keep on with the blog. I often feel that it is just mundane stuff but was "told off" for that. I suppose it is important to know that life goes on pretty much as normal and that actually your emotions go on a roller coaster ride. You can't get off the Roller Coaster until someones says you can, you have to ride it until the journey is over. The cruel bit is just when you think everything has settled down - off you go on another circuit, bend and loop the loop.

I think that I play down how serious this is. I read my consultant's notes again the other day and she told me in no uncertain terms what this disease is all about.

Anyway, I am rambling off the subject - which was that I am going to keep on doing the blog and hope that it doesn't get too boring. Sometimes all that does happen is I get up, do some work and go to sleep - life as normal - I'm beginning to be more and more thankful for that.

A good evening out was what was needed

It has again been a busy day as I was trying to get my paperwork sorted. Tomorrow I have to go and sort out some financial stuff (I can't get my head around balance sheets) and so I am going to have my work checked to make sure that I am right.

I was out this afternoon and this evening with the person who has bladder cancer but is a few years in advance of me and on the BCG maintenance regime. It does me good to see him looking so well and so I am feeling much better.

Later on I have to meet some guys about web sites, servers, domains and all that.

After that I am out to a Jazz night so that will take my mind off things for a while.

In between times I need to complete some minutes of meetings and to redo a terms of reference and a re-planning document.

Thursday I will again be out and then, with any luck things will settle down for a short while. At least being busy is taking my mind off you know what so that is good.

Disrupting my life

I know I shouldn't complain about it but it really disrupts your life having Cancer. Simple things like going out on a Monday night in 6 weeks time become uncertain events. I cannot commit to anything in case all is good and I go straight back on maintenance therapy. That then takes out the Tuesdays and my life is dictated by the uncertainty of the outcome and the treatment regimen that will put me on. I have had to turn down a number of things "just in case" and people are sympathetic of course but when things suddenly move and I could have been there it takes on another connotation.

I suppose because I have always had a planned and organised life (being a project manager it tends to fit to some sort of plan) that this uncertainty and short notice changes in plans really does knock me sideways. It takes a lot to get myself back on track and I just know that something else is going to happen to mean I've got to re-plan again.