Can you admit that

You are absolutely sh1t scared of what is coming up? I don't think you can really let it all out. There's the bloke bit - you don't show emotion. There's the family bit - you don't show that it could be worse than it is (not sure if this makes any shock situation worse or not?). The other thing is that you put on a "brave face" - it's all very British and "Stiff Upper Lip" etc.

However, I've had three months to stew over this - I should have been in on Monday so a week late sort of adds to the tension but, at the end of this really is that I am sh1t scared this time. I actually think I don't need to be. I know what is going to happen to me. I know the drill, I know how to get out of hospital quicker than the first time and I know my way around but that isn't what is getting to me. It is this:

1st Time - all a rush, emergency surgery - cut the cancer out and evaluate the problem. 2 days after diagnosis - wow what a rush!

2nd Time - in for biopsies (what should happen this time) wake to find heavy surgery and cleaning up previous work, lots of other wok and some retrograde stuff. Hurts like hell, feel like sh1t and really mauled about this time. BUT - halted the problems, reviewed the diagnosis and hey, actually better prognosis than after first go.

3rd time - is that real? Did the treatment work? Is the cancer contained? Oh please that it is (if it isn't - we really don't want to go there). What happens next? Is it serious or is it maintenance?

I feel that it is all going to be good news and I feel well although I can feel my body starting to get ready for the hurt.

If it isn't good news, I'll be devastated of course but I WILL get over it. I just haven't factored that into my life plan at the moment. If it is good news then that is great but it will still impact my life in such a way that I will need to find flexible employment.

Anyway, I think it is totally natural to be so scared and apprehensive. I bet they look at my BP readings on Tuesday and comment about them. I mean - knowing what I've got to go through and expecting me to be calm, rational and reasonable about it just isn't going to happen. You can rationalise a bit but you can't fight your emotions with logic all the time.