Out this evening with some good friends and brain kicks into life - saying "this could be the last time you see them". I say nothing to anyone as I deep down inside do not believe that.
I liked a later conversation about how much I loath going in. How tomorrow I am taking myself in on my own as I ought to face it myself. I've always had someone go with me. Tomorrow it will be different. I'll also take myself off on my own for the operation as well. It is something I need to do, in future I could be taking myself in and taking myself out.
Anyway, the interest was that we were talking odds. I reckoned that CIS is one of those things that is difficult to stage - hence they are doing biopsies. It is 80:20 on success of the BCG. Those are pretty good odds considering and given my age and levels of relative fitness, they are odds in my favour. If that fails, they can re-do the treatment and give you 50:50! All in all, if you were given those odds you'd take them and be pleased. So I'm feeling a little better about things but what it did highlight is the fundamental reason I'm so apprehensive. It's the lottery principle. Will I be a winner next Monday? If you had a 4 our of 5 chance would you take it? You see I'm not a gambler and the odds whilst stacked in my favour still mean that 1 in 5 times it would have failed - see my point?
It is the introvert and pessimist in me coming out. Many who know me would be very surprised to find I am quiet and in a room full of strangers more so. I over compensate for this later on. But the whole Cancer thing has been rather humbling. Suddenly I'm no longer in control.
Tomorrow I am going in for the assessment tests and I'll get through that one way or the other. After that I shall be able to work out if I can manage this on my own in the future.
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