The Fear of a Relapse

It is one of those things that you cannot contemplate unless it has happened to you.

To go to the toilet and just see a stream of blood coming out and into the pan is so utterly repugnant. It shakes you to your core and also you get occasional bits like small clots firing out too. Then after three or four weeks they repaired that although there was still a bit of blood and bits it went away. The relief is palpable - believe me. Additionally there is a mild almost background feeling like a very distant stinging goes with this - like very mild cystitis. That goes too I am pleased to say.

Later, during the treatment, I'd get this again but only on the night of the treatment and perhaps a little the next morning. I'd been warned and prepared for it. It was a different feeling as it meant that the BCG was doing what it should and (frankly) it was bits of my bladder lining getting passed out of the system. I also knew it was going to be "here today and gone tomorrow" something on the initial symptoms that didn't happen it just got worse day after day.

So what is the trouble now you might ask? Well, it is that with the delay in the operation, I'm acting as if I almost expect the blood to start flowing again and there is this almost, I suppose, anticipation this slight holding of my breath and then relief when I don't pass blood. I'm thinking that this is just my brain concerned about the delay in proceedings. I'm sure that if things were time critical, knowing how quickly they dragged me in the first time they saw me, that this isn't so.

Anyway, it is just one of these things that add to the worry of waiting. Whilst I say it doesn't worry me - like stressing me out. It is a little nag at the back of my mind.

I'm beginning to realise that "Cure" is a long long way away and that I'm going to have to learn to cope with two hospitalisations a year as a minimum even if things have gone right, more if they find the treatment hasn't been successful.

I must also work out how to write things down in such a way that they are what I feel but don't lead to people thinking I am depressed. I'm a reasonably "up" sort of person most of the time and wear my heart on my sleeve (more so recently) - you'll know when I'm down and you'll know how to cheer me up. Good company not sympathy are my pick me ups.