Switch off and survive

Is I think how I get through this stuff.

"It isn't actually happening to me"

I find that I go into these places numb now. I remember the scan being the most horrible thing that happened - only because when it happened and probably the trauma and post operative realisation of what I had as well.

Now, I switch off. You lose your dignity and your personality and you are wheeled in and out on the meat wagon. It's a factory and doesn't fit what I would have thought of as "care". It is a numbers game and you are in and out in double quick time and they push and pull you around and you are just so glad to get home. I feel like I have everything punched out of me after a few hours and I go with the flow and ride the roller coaster until it stops and I feel well enough to get off, I stop feeling sick and can balance again - then I can go home.

The whole thing just appears to be a patients go in one end and patients go out the other sausage factory.

Oh well, I will turn off my brain and body as I get there and turn on my human being features as I leave. At least I have a lunchtime appointment tomorrow that will cheer me up!