Fighting Alone

I firmly believe that.

I fight this alone even though I have loads of support and good wishes etc. Only I know how much I am kidding myself or encouraging myself. Only I know how much I am glossing over the cracks.

I think that you need to convince yourself first that things are alright. It is pretty glib if anyone who has never had it or similar says it to you - what do they know. Words from a professional are always welcome and sympathy is great but it empathises and doesn't psyche you up for the next thing you have to face. Mind you there is also a difference between friends, family and those closer to you - mates I suppose (not sure what you'd call them - confidants perhaps).

Friends are great - they all react differently - some are so concerned that I am worried for them not vice versa :-) Such concern is really touching if not a little too much for me to handle - I like being liked but I'm not sure I like THAT much attention.

Family are strange - they are very worried despite my assurances. I spend more time telling them that I am alright and giving them the considerable benefit of my understanding of my disease. They don't like to hear all the gore and stuff so get more upset the more I try and convince them that I am alright.

Mates - tell you to shut up when you are being stupid - great - no change there then - they know the score, they feel for you, ask the questions but also bring you back to earth when you need it as well. It is really uplifting coming away from an evening with them as you feel so much better and yet you could have had the ultimate in greetings - "quick shake his hand - he could have died last year". Black comedy is also fully acceptable as is anything to do with putting people - including me - in their place. I am also not treated like something or someone special.

Finally - fighting alone, the title of this piece - is about the time you spend reflecting on what you've got, how you deal with it, the regrets, the upsides and the down, the anger, frustrations, angst, humour and depression that you get. this blog was set up to share all of that and yet, I admitted to a mate of mine tonight that the problem is I still haven't gone to the darkest side nor have I shared the inner most fears, the horror and the sheer fright of going into Hospital. I haven't explained the massive strain on the family - but believe me that is there and I haven't shared some of the extremes the other way - the flights of fancy, the miracle cures, the snake oil and the implausible. Neither have I fully explored the upside. There is something almost spiritual and uplifting, something that brings some sort of balance to life, some understanding and a level of tolerance. It also brings the dead opposite and intolerance and a speedy reversion to anger are also part of the territory. We have so much further to go on this journey - its exciting n'est pas?

I'm hoping that I can open up a bit more but I'd rather do myself damage than damage those about me so my writing has to be kept to the 80% or so I'm prepared to share. Only my mates will probably get to hear the next 10 to 15% and even then I cannot imagine that they will be comfortable or remain undisturbed by what I'd have to say.

This is one of my dark blogs but I didn't start off that way. I hope that you will understand that there are many dimensions to having this (and I imagine) any nasty illness? As one of my mates said tonight - if you read between the lines there is far more to what you are writing even more than what you say. That is of course absolutely true. Don't confuse me with the facts.

Anyway, time for bed - early hours of the morning again and I really should have been in bed and hour or more ago.