Better - much better

I managed to stop the ball spinning today and so I hope to have the right amount of time to sort out the things I need to do this week.

Life is going to be a bit hectic for the next month at least. Trying to bring order to chaos is great if you have people to do it. If you are just a couple of you then life gets hectic indeed.

I must go and get ready - I am on the road for a couple of days now.

Not sure I like this being all clear - it means I have to work for a living again:-)

Slowing Down

Got to slow down. The job is annoyingly stressful at the moment. It doesn't need to be at all - it jut is because it is the transitional period between one way of working and another. Bringing order to chaos is difficult it is like stopping an Ocean going Super Tanker. Apply the brakes and - something might happen in a weeks time :-)

The trouble is that it needs this injection of energy and determination and we are fighting each other - me to take on my job and the other guy doesn't want to lose it or let go easily (even though he knows he must!)

So - note to self - calm down and slow down and say No and mean No.

I know all of this - I just need to practice what I preach. It should be fun.

Full circle

Imagine - if you will - a small village in the middle of Yorkshire - quite sleepy really - a pub - a few restaurants and a nice Church. That is where I used to stay and work a few villages away.

As you may remember - the job I loved and I got made redundant earlier this year was in an adjacent sleepy village.

How spooky is this?

the company I now have the pleasure of being a director for is based no more than 400 yards from the place I used to stay.

Spooky if you think of all the places I could have chosen to work.

What are the chances of that?

Modern Medicine is Wonderful

To think that I had a serious tumour and CIS and a bladder full of cancer - isn't modern surgery and medicinal practise brilliant in that some 15 months later I can tell you that it is gone?

Wow.

And the winner is

Well - me actually.

It feels like a night at the Oscars - The Nomination for those patients most likely to be Cancer Free are.....

And after I get the award I have to list out the thank yous.

I'd like to thank:

My Consultant
Her Team
Nurses and Staff at the Hospital
Urology Nurses
Anesthetist
My GP (well one of them anyway)
My family
My Friends
My Insurance Company
My Employer at the time

And everyone who knows me, has said a kind word, encouraged me or helped in any way.

And so on and on it goes.

Still I am amazed that I am clear - now begins the next phase of the plan. Keeping me cancer free and getting fit and healthy again.


As for my Agent :-) He'll just take his 10% as usual no doubt!

We really are Poo at doing parties

I have no idea why this is. My Uncle and Aunt had an 80th Birthday party and we had a good time but, our side of the family just aren't party animals. My parents never were and I grew up not really going to or contributing much to family parties.

Now - as a young man - I did some serious partying and going to gigs and concerts etc but - we don't as a family and we never have thrown parties for anything - excepting my 50th which, as you know, was brilliant (for me and my mate G - we enjoyed ourselves!).

I'm disappointed that our family is so fragmented and that we don't get together that often - We used to say Marriages and Funerals (and Christenings). Tonight I saw my cousin's children for the first time in 12 years! I gave up going to the Genesis 30th anniversary bash at Charterhouse School. I felt bad that only I managed to get there and my immediate family didn't.

I find that particularly sad. I know my wife's family better than I know my own. I believe there are some historical reasons behind all of this but, you know, it would have been just lovely to see everyone together just one more time and that is, unfortunately, the sort of time we are entering. My Uncles are brilliant and together with my Dad are the three stooges (sorry if you aren't old enough to remember them). They have to be the funniest men on the planet and 10 or 15 minute in their company you are likely to wet yourself laughing. What I would give to have everyone together for a party. That is highly unlikely. My Dad doesn't go out much and we all live such busy lives and we all have such different backgrounds and live mile and miles away now.

I respect every-one's right not to be close - but on occasions, like tonight, I really wanted to have all the family there and to enjoy each other's company like we used to 30 years ago. I felt that it would have been nice for them and for me to have had that - however - I am always treated well and always fussed over so I really shouldn't complain. You know it would have been good to celebrate my news with my own family don't you think? Or am I being just a little bit "edgy" on that :-) ?

For every good one

I was thinking today, as you do, for every time my Consultant said good news to someone on Thursday, how many other people did she deliver not such good news to?

A young girl who went in before me was hardly in there for 2 minutes came out with a smile, I know I did. Some of the others didn't look that happy.

Something to ponder I suppose. It must be a difficult job. There you are delivering good and bad news. You'd almost want to arrange your appointments to get all the bad stuff out first and then do nothing but good news for the rest of the day.

Stages

I referred to Kubler Ross in some of my earlier blogs HERE and HERE.

This is where you go through a number of emotions until finally you accept your fate, adjust and then learn to live with it and then go beyond that to accepting it.

I'm almost in the last phases of that. I'm really happy about the results and I am delighted that I am now free of cancer. I am guessing that I am going to be disappointed in some weeks or months time to be having the BCG treatment again BUT I just need to temper that with the reason I am on maintenance. We are a strange animals, never satisfied with what we get given. I will certainly not be liking the fact that I am on maintenance and the flexible cystoscopy is not my favourite thing to ram up my Urethra but there you go - needs must

I'd rather be having that than having the last 15 months of tension and stress.

Do I really want all this hassle?

The new job is one of the biggest challenges I have ever undertaken and it will demand of me a lot of time and effort when, perhaps, I should be concentrating on getting out and celebrating and doing things I have always wanted to do.

I actually want to do this though. It is a real challenge and quite interesting in the way I am having to be quite tough and determined in the face of someone who "just doesn't get it". Lovely person but has no idea why Company Law was put in place and why I have to follow it. Tidying up after him is a joke but you know it is going to eventually come out OK.

I'm enjoying this. Straight out of one challenging situation and into another.

It gets better and better

The feeling that is. I can hardly believe it even now. If you want to feel on top of the world then - actually - I wouldn't go down this route at all - but it does make you feel brilliant and you just feel better and better.

I wonder when the euphoria wears off?

What do you think?

Do you reckon that it is time to fill in some lottery numbers today or would that be tempting fate?

Wednesday appointed to the board of Directors
Thursday - all clear - I get my life back
Friday - ???????

What a week - yesterday was Christmas - in fact it was all of them rolled into one!

Laugh or Cry?

I wasn't sure which to do - I laughed a lot more than I cried though. Or perhaps was wearing my very best "Bemused" grin.

We did what any red blooded male would do and I ended up at three pubs in total. So the pub crawl was complete and I got home about midnight. Not bad considering I started at Lunchtime!

I don't really have much of a hangover to speak of either which again - I really should have considering how much I drank yesterday.

Maybe I am allowed to have that one night off!

OMG

I didn't expect to get the reactions I got. After 1 /3/4 hours wait - I got to see my Consultant.

Handkerchiefs ready? All clear - or "no abnormalities found" as they say.

NUMB

Thanks to all my friends who turned up, phoned and just turned up for the impromptu celebrations.

I was shaking so much when I came out that I could hardly hold my phone. Now I have tears in my eyes writing this.

Again thanks to everyone who just turned up - it meant so much to me.

Have to sign off now as I can't see much through the tears of being at home and being cancer free.

I can't tell you more than the fact that I am just shaking even now and getting very emotional about it.

I cannot even begin to explain to you the utter relief I am feeling or the joy at having so many people come along and join in my celebration of life.

Here we go

Thursday morning. I am up early and a little nervous of course. Only 3 hours to go and I can find out what my future holds.

It isn't quite like going to the Palm Reader though.

A Year Ago and Tomorrow

A year ago I was thinking about my forthcoming BCG treatment, wondering how it would affect me and being worried about those who dropped out of their treatment.

I am really quite nervous about my meeting with my Consultant tomorrow. In a way I am looking forward to seeing her and understanding what the results are and what happens next. I'm not sure how I am going to react to whatever news they may have.

Will I be elated, bitterly disappointed, unfazed or what. Only tomorrow will tell. If it is good news - I hope that I don't blub! Perhaps walk home with a stupid grin on my face.

It is really strange how I feel - I am on a bit of a high given the news earlier today on the job front. But do I feel all excited / nervous because of that or tomorrow?

I'll let you know tomorrow.

Well that is the job sorted

I went into the week with two outcomes to the last two days. I'd have a job or I'd get sacked. The former is the outcome and I am quite pleased about that of course.

In fact the result is really even better than that as I am now the COO of the company which is pretty exciting and pretty daunting all at the same time.

So given how I was a year ago - I don't really suppose I could have expected this outcome.

Blimey - waiting for it to sink in.

A hard day at the office

Phew

That wasn't particularly pleasant. It wasn't intended to be - I just had a meeting that can only be described as mildly confrontational and at sometimes crackling with electric as we strongly voiced our opinions and concerns. The upshot is that the issues and problems are out on the table and tomorrow we can get on and do something about them.

Even better is that I will be asked to get heavily involved and sort this out. Enough said for the moment. Another day full tomorrow. At least it keeps me busy and not thinking about Thursday's appointment.

Next few days

Are going to be hectic as I meet up with the guys from HQ and go through the operational plans.

I doubt I'll get much time to do much here so that will give you a rest :-)

It is a crazy week really as I have so many things to get on with and this set of meetings are going to be tough as well. At least when they are over it will be time to go and get my results and find out another bit of my future.

This is the sort of week that will fly past because I'll be so busy.

Rather that than stuck doing nothing I suppose!

Getting your life back

It is probably too early to think about that but on Thursday will I get a nod that says you can go and rebuild your life and get on with things knowing that this is what happened to you before and here is what is going to happen to you from now on?

In a way I'm slightly dreading going - I'm not sure how I will take whatever news they have for me. As I said in the previous post, perhaps it will be the impetus I need to snap out of my inactivity and sort out lots of these things that are just getting left on my desk "to be done"?

I think this time it isn't survivor's syndrome as I feel quite good about myself and I still have a very positive attitude. I'm certain it is that I am just getting nervous about the appointment on Thursday and what the outcome of that may be.

It would be good to start re-building though and to be a little bit more in control of the situation.

Passing the Milestones

Nothing I hope like passing any other sort of stones given my condition :-)

I was thinking about the fact that, I "think" I know what I am going to be told on Thursday and yet, in reality, I cannot second guess this. It is an important step to be told what is going on and to then be able to plan.

So at the moment, whilst I believe it is good news and all the indications are good, until I actually hear what my Consultant says, all bets are off. I am really in a state of limbo and unable to plan as I don't know what she is going to say to me. If it is good news then I can guess that I'll go onto Maintenance. If it is bad news then I will have to look to be doing something else.

It may be just an excuse for my inactivity it may actually be what is causing me to be like I am at the moment which is uncharacteristically indecisive, procrastinating and just not getting things finished or delaying getting things started.

I am sure that getting the answers and then knowing which way to turn will be a major milestone and will free my mind from all this conjecture and will allow me to plan ahead a bit more.