Jazz Night

My goodness - I have been going to the Jazz night for 19 years :-(

Next May marks the 20th Anniversary of us going to the Jazz night and it was just before we moved into the house we live in now. Blimey - I was just 31 years old when I first went So many people have come and gone. My friend - who invited us to start with would have been retired 20 years next year he tells me!

EEEeeeeekkk. I am getting old :-) and so is he.

I cannot believe that I have been going out on the 1st Wednesday in the month (most of the time) for a Trad Jazz evening for the best part of 19 years - now that is a commitment.

It is a great night out and just an escape from every day stuff. Cheap beer and a really nice bunch of people and good live music. You cannot fail than to be uplifted by it.

Long may I continue to go and enjoy it. The trouble is the band only comprises one member from the original bunch now!

Ongoing Side Effects

This is the ongoing side effects not the ones you get at the time which are (or can be) severe. I've spoken about these before. The BCG side effects seem to be that these days I am quite warm. It feels as if my body temperature is up a degree or two but it isn't. I wonder if my circulation is better perhaps? I certainly feel warm and find warm rooms uncomfortable to sit in. I need to have fresh air or a cool room.

Colds - I am probably tempting fate here. I don't think I have had a cold since July 2006! I certainly don't remember having anything other than a runny nose perhaps and I was really worried about catching things off the children when I was having treatment and I never did.

Tired - I think that may be through work - last night I slept the whole night and so I was pleased with that.

Visiting the toilet a lot - I didn't need to get up during the night which is the other side effect. I go to the loo more than ever when I am in treatment and for a few weeks afterwards. The problem is that it can be every 30 minutes and so planning is essential. I can probably last 2 hours now but it is very noticeable that dashing to the toilet every 30 minutes is the norm!

Aches and Pains - Not really painful but more nagging and twinging reminders and a general uncomfortable feeling. I can't wear tight trousers and so have now graduated from jogging bottoms to elasticated waist trouser. I should be alright next week for getting back into something like normal clothes.

So a list of the problems - none of them that bothersome.

Typical

I got back and just missed the delivery man who was dropping off some good I have bought. Hopefully he will be along tomorrow and drop it off.

Well it was a nice day with my parents and I suddenly realised that I must have lost about 1/2 stone or possibly more in the month since I last saw them. I think the treatment and also the stress I have been under must be attributed some of that.

Visiting your parents is great a I still get spoilt so I can forget calories, Cholesterol and the like. Glad I didn't get any Castor Oil or Cod Liver Oil thrust down my throat though.

Off tomorrow

To my parents for a couple of days. I've had enough of the last month and all the positioning and politics and nonsense and I realised just how tired it has made me and fed up too.

A few days just doing nothing else will take care of it.

As someone once said the problems will still be there later this week and probably next week too. They got themselves into the mess and they can get themselves out of it.

Some interesting stuff on this web site

If you can stomach it that is.

The Site is here http://www.bladder-cancer-course.org/

It actually shows you someone getting treated with BCG - so I'd suggest that you only watch the video if you really are OK with squeamish stuff.

Other than that it is a very interesting web site.

So when do you start feeling good about yourself?

I ask this only in as much as today, probably for the first time since I got the clear (1st November), I can actually sit down, without a pile of work to do that I haven't and probably wont get paid for and just think about myself and my health.

All that has happened since I got the news has been just about the most ridiculous and basic management blunders that I have been running to fix and when I fix one, they rip open something else and I go and fix that. Well, the end game is afoot on that in the next few weeks. I am leaving them to it and will spend my time working out quite what I want to do next. They robbed me of my celebrations and the last 3 BCG treatments were a bit of a respite and a good excuse not to get too involved, travel around and just get agitated with some of the morons who have brought the business to its knees.

So what about today then? Well - in all the chaos - I see that it is now December. I haven't bought one present, written one card, or done the yearly newsletters either. Ooopps! So I reckon that one of the first things to do today is to work out my time for the next couple of weeks and to set aside plenty of time to do those. I need to wade through the wreckage that is my office. There are piles of unfiled papers which need putting away properly, post it notes are everywhere and I need to consolidate all the things they say to do and make one definitive list of to dos.

And relax and party are on my list of things. I haven't relaxed and partied and celebrated and generally been able to feel good about myself and I feel cheated over that. Luckily, a number of friends have lined up some outings in London and locally so I am looking forward to spending some good days and evenings out with them.

It is about time that I got selfish - I intend to do that.

Off for a nice evening

I hope so anyway - to a friend's house for drinks and some food - he is an excellent Chef so we can be assured of nice food and good company too. I could do with that after the last couple of weeks of turmoil.

It has been a month since I got the good news and I don't think I have stopped working, losing sleep and worrying since then. Tonight will be a real break from all of that.

DO I feel a weight lifted?

In a way, now that I have resigned part of my duties I do. Of course, now there are people whinging that I resigned! Perhaps they should have thought about that earlier. Anyway, as it was, I didn't have much in the way of a choice really.

I'll feel a lot better in a few days time I am certain. By then there should be a consensus on a way forward and perhaps many will have taken a "reality pill" and come back down to earth.

A Few Beers

Last night were just what was needed to cheer me up. We also had some seafood which was great - nothing quite like Cockles, Mussels and Prawns to go with your beer.

I really needed that and it was good to get so much off of my chest about the job and the hassle.

So good did I feel that I wrote my resignation and posted it off about half an hour ago.

I can't say that I feel immediately better now that I have done it because I know that there are some people who have to stay behind and take all the flak that is coming down the track at them.

I will probably feel good about it tomorrow.

And it continues

This is unusual to feel quite so rough on the Thursday following the treatment. This isn't the typical side effects though. This is fatigue caused through a completely disturbed sleep pattern, ache around my stomach area and still the need to be quite near to the facilities.

If any of the main side effects persist then other action needs to be taken like get back into hospital. These are just aches and pains.

No Wonder Some People

Give up on their treatment. I can still feel this one. Cumulative effect is spot on. Did this ever give me something to moan about. I was really slow getting out of bed this morning and feel really knocked about. I like saying like getting hit by a truck but it is as if you get knocked over and you feel bruised and battered.

Thank goodness that I don't have to go back until late January 2008. At least I get Christmas off. Who would have thought that you would have a bigger set of side effects when you didn't have cancer than when you did.

I'm still not complaining - if it keeps me healthy I can cope with the occasional whack from a truck.

That wasn't so good

Blimey - that was a bad one. I was OK until about 7 last evening and then it was like having a 2nd treatment all over again. I was dashing to the toilet a lot and had all sorts of wreckage dropping out of me :-( I managed to get to sleep again about 10 which was good.

I woke at 3 am and found that I couldn't sleep, I managed to hang around for a short while but kept having to get up and go to the toilet and then decided that the best thing was to go downstairs. I had an early breakfast - about 5 am and some more tablets and have sat in my armchair all day until now. Thanks goodness for Paracetamol and Ibuprofen!

At least that is the last one this year. It really has left me very sore around the stomach. I hope to get a good night's sleep and to be a lot brighter tomorrow.

Last one this year

Just going to get myself fed and watered and then start the preparation. Thank goodness it is the last treatment of 2007. I remember having the six treatments and then thinking after three - only another three to go. At least this way, the whole deal is done in 14 days - well 15 if we include recovery tomorrow.

Work proves to be challenging at the moment. The boss seems to think that digging into the minutiae will save him from the big problems coming down the way.

Oh well - perhaps I just walk away from this if it isn't fixed by Friday. Seems hardly worth the effort really and the guy is not worth trying to help.

Well here I am

2 in the morning and wide awake wondering quite what on earth my mind can really be doing at this early (or late) hour. Of course it is work again. My mind is going like crazy on this business trouble we are having. Not the trouble - if it all comes to nothing - so be it. It is more that if it comes about that we get things going again it will be a manic 3 or 4 months.

My mind is going through all the plans and operational stuff a business needs to have in place. Something that I wish the previous people had put their minds to!

One of those days

I managed to trudge through getting my expense up to date. That took all afternoon! It is amazing how much it all came to. Tomorrow I intend to try and clear my desk a little more. Here's hoping.

Does it really matter - revisited

You know, somethings really do matter to me - more now than before I got cancer and people and their trust and their respect matter to me. I hold ideals and morals about how I deal with most people (until the point at where I have tried my best).

I'd like to really go out of my way and teach someone a salutary life message - but it will hurt so many other people around that one individual. Bit of a dilemma - bring down the house of cards myself or let it fall. Try and help or walk away?

It matters to me that one person may be able to wreck so many lives and yet not be reviewing their own actions and the damage they cause along the way Stop that person doing damage and those around take the fall too.

Life really isn't fair - we just try and be as fair as we can I suppose. If he makes me feel this bad
then perhaps I need to walk away. I didn't cause the problem, maybe I shouldn't be the one to prolong it either.

Does it really matter

And is it important and do I care?

You get to reevaluate things and you get a new attitude - I don't know if it is insight so much as just having a reference point that is now a lot different to other people's. For example, does it really matter about some trivial problem - or to get worked up about it or to need all the stress and hassle when, there are worse things in life?

I now have - perhaps - too much of that attitude - if all else fails I can walk away and get on with the life I have left. Problems are not problems - what is the worst that could happen?

Don't get me wrong I still get involved in all of this stuff on a day to day basis but I have the backup of being able to say "enough is enough" I can walk away and it won't hurt me or the family. That is a real luxury to have. I still like the idea of having a powerful job and making a difference but if I had to give that up, then perhaps I would now. Life isn't a rehearsal.

Yes I did remove a few day's worth of blog entries

Apologies - I was venting some frustration about the people I am working with and realised that it was inappropriate to question their sanity in quite the way I did.

However - as you can gather it is 1 in the morning and I have had very little sleep this week - you can imagine that I am not impressed that their actions are causing me to lose sleep.

Other than that - I am still a little bit stingy still after this week's treatment. Only one more to go this year! This time last year of course I was having my first lot of BCG treatment and was in a lot worse state than I am in now. I look back on the year and consider myself to be very lucky indeed.

Not a good night's sleep

Caused by concerns over the business and also the treatment. I tend to be very warm on the Wednesday following treatment and feel as if I have been hit in the Stomach or just below. Whilst I am glad that I didn't have the typical week 2 effects - I do think that this one is a little worse than normal. However, better to be whinging because I don't have cancer than whinging because I do (I think that made sense).

Anyway back to work!

Difficult not doing anything

I found today quite difficult - not doing anything - I tried not to answer the phone either.

The trouble I now have is that I actually don't feel up to tomorrow's round of problems. The business stuff really is a mess and I can jump in and sort it out or perhaps - what I ought to do - is to leave them to it.

I think I may just give them another few weeks and if they come to their senses then I can sort things out for them - if not, perhaps I need to let them taste the foul medicine.

Life is too short to work with people who aren't taking your advice and digging themselves a large hole. I don't like seeing people fail but perhaps that is what is needed?

Perhaps I should take time now to make all those lifestyle changes I promised myself?