Awake

It wasn't quite how I planned things. I decided that I ought to go to bed early and so get some sleep and just make a break of things. Overnight roadworks did it for me! Pneumatic hammer going off well into the early hours of the morning and next to no sleep for 4 hours.

At least I managed to rationalise yesterday's news and sort out a way forward from there.

I think I will give going up to London a miss this afternoon as it looks as if the roadworks will be back and also I am tired enough as it is this morning.

Now the truth comes out

The end game indeed - these guys are now not going to pay for any of the work I did.

At least I can get the hell out of it now and start to sort my life out. I think that they might have made a wrong choice deciding to not pay anything. We shall see how big their lawyers are I suppose.

Hardly worth holding my breath for

The much awaited "way forward" from the business arrived and addresses none of the major issues nor the short term cash flow problems and dresses up and spins its way around using words like "key to our success" but never quite explaining how that would be achieved.

It looks as if the business will continue but it will stagger towards its goals and never be fully comfortable with itself nor be able to function properly given the way it now presents itself. Most investors will, I am sure, move away and go and do something else. I'm not fussed either way now. I've gone past the caring bit and am almost past the worrying part too now.

Someone said that "I didn't need this given all the things that had happened to me" - maybe that is true but it has taken my mind off things. What I am happy about is that I have met a lot of interesting people whilst doing this and I am going to look forward to working with them in the future.

I think the next few days will see the levels of apathy increase (if that can actually happen of course!!) the investors are drifting away now and the end game is truly in sight as those with the money leave and those who have already invested and have sunk cost brace themselves for the storm coming. Cash is king in these situations and many people have to consider digging deeper into their pockets to maintain their investment - not nice.

Time to move on and 2008 looks to be an interesting year. I can look forward to building on a foundation of steadily improving health and can invest my time into projects and opportunities that I want to be involved in.

Fatigue and combating it

I was speaking to someone yesterday who reckoned that I was suffering from what some might call a sort of post traumatic stress syndrome. well I suppose that could be true. I think it is a combination of things and one of them is the utter relief of the outcome of the cancer clear prognosis. I hadn't considered how much you fight this thing mentally until I thought about what she said to me.

I have often said that you need to use your mind to help you and that it was always two battles. The mind is powerful and if you can imagine that there is a constant dialogue going on about whether or not you feel up or down, accept or deny what is happening, psyche yourself up or down to take good or bad news etc, you must be using up massive amounts of your reserves to fight your cancer with your mind. Additionally lets consider the physical side too.

I'm a relatively fit 50 year old and have been doing some exercise but - the impact on your body isn't one of wasted muscles and can't really be seen - they certainly stir up you insides around your bladder area. I'm sure that your whole balance is shot to pieces and with Immunotherapy actually making your body fight the cancer (or keep it away) the other areas of your body are totally out of balance with that.

Anyway, I am coming to the conclusion that at the end of this week I am switching off and I am going to take some more time for myself. I am sure that all I need is to turn off the computers, get my walking boots on and enjoy some of the local countryside, a few pints of real ale next to an open fire and also to get into the Christmas mood too.

It isn't easy to switch off but it is something I must do.

The 2nd Christmas Lunch

Out of the way - we had a lovely time and it really was a good meeting with over £1000 raised for charity as well.

My third in as many days awaits later today and it will take my mind off of the disappointment of the past few weeks with the job.

We might actually know later on today what they are going to do about things.

Tired and Weary

It is amazing just how tired I am feeling. I am absolutely certain that this is the the relief of the situation and the job and everything else all coming to roost.

I want to get on and do things and I am dragging myself around to do other things as well. I could sleep for a week but I am not sure it would sort this malaise out.

I am going to try and come to terms with this down the week.

A Good Day

Despite the rain which fell down as I was half way to the station. Despite that I did have a great time. The icing was to win the raffle - I won a gallon of Whisky - 4.5 Litres! I was pretty impressed with that - it should provide me with headaches for many years to come!

I managed to catch the second to last train home and there was hardly anyone on the train and the rain has stopped by the time I got home.

I am feeling a little tired now though - We are off out for Christmas meal number 2 in a few minutes. I have another one tomorrow! Three in three days - I will be sick of the sight of Turkey by Christmas.

However, I need to work on this fatigue - I am certain that it is the job and the worry of it all. Time off - that is what is needed.

Rain and Public Transport

Annoying is what it is. I live a fair way from the station and today, of all days, no one is around to drop me off to the station and the rain and wind are coming in. It is just typical!

So - that said - I hope to arrive not too much like a drowned rat to what is always a lovely Christmas meeting and just relax for the afternoon.

It doesn't matter how much I convince myself that work doesn't matter I still keep thinking about it so I do hope that I can lose myself this afternoon and not worry about it.

Lunch and onwards

My friend and I had lunch today and hardly talked about our health - which is great as we talked about work and futures and other things and at last I felt good again. I feel sick to my stomach over the business side of things as it look totally shady and dodgy to me now.

Not to worry too much about it I can get on and do something else now. I have almost decided that unless there is some compelling event to make me want to stay there that I shall move on and do something different. I have the diary from hell for the next week. I am actually out every day except Wednesday! A lot of that is at Christmas events. I start tomorrow with a Lodge meeting, then a family lunch on Sunday, another Lodge meeting on Monday, out with school chums Tuesday, Wednesday is a rest day - Thursday is with some old work colleagues and Friday is a black tie do locally. I also have a meeting on the 17th to go to as well. The trouble is I may not make something else I have planned that evening.

At least it will take my mind off of my present troubles.

Tired and Fed Up now

I'm getting mighty fed up with the uncertainty of the situation with work at the moment. Every time they attempt to "communicate" they make things worse. Divide and Rule and blatant self protection are key components of their strategy (if indeed they have one).

All this does is make everyone more anxious and it wears me down as I get no nearer to finding out if they will pay me or indeed whether they have the ability to pay me. They are a little perplexed why I don't appear to be wanting to do any work at the moment? Working with amateur and little people wasn't where I wanted to be but here I am and like many I am pretty annoyed that they can't deal with the situation they got themselves into.

I hardly need the pressure and I am now working out ways to get on and do something else as I don't see much of a future there.

I said I'd give this venture 6 months and funnily enough at 6 months all looked great. It is less than 3 weeks ago that the business shot itself in the foot and brought itself to its knees. So at 7 months - perhaps the ideal is to get on and out of this and move on to something that I might enjoy and something that I can get on and do myself and not have to deal with amateurs.

I need to still work on how tired I feel - it is in no short measure due to me having to keep working through strategies for a business that - at the end of the day - looked at them and decided to take the illogical route out. I think they have caused me to lose enough sleep and caused me enough worry. I just need to go and take some rest and build myself up for something new in the New Year.

Tired

I am so tired. I have been yawning all day and just wanting to get to sleep. Unfortunately I cannot for the moment as I am waiting for a phone call and a delivery. The last thing I need to do is miss either.

I'm guessing that this is the culmination of the past month's stresses and strains and - it wouldn't surprise me - if it was also something to do with the great relief that not having cancer means. Perhaps you build up a level of stress or you are "fighting" by that I mean you are standing up to things mentally and physically and this may be a wave of relief as well as the reaction to the stress of the business over the past few weeks.

I will try and get some more rest and also to get away from thinking about work for a while. The fatigue is marked though, I really feel drained and so I suppose it is lucky in a way that I am not spending time on the road and driving around the country.

Picking up and moving on

This is what I could be doing from anytime in the next week or so. I'm waiting to hear whether the business will continue or not. If it does, what my part will be - if any.

It is all rather surreal at the moment. It is a no-mans land of indecision and posturing between business and investors. As long as they keep at this - nothing really gets settled. If they get anything settled this week or next we wont be able to move ahead until January anyway.

I'm sort of sat here doing nothing much as the situation could all change at any minute. Realistically, I probably need to be planning for my next job though as if it goes on any longer, the chances of being able to rebuild get more distant.

Jazz Night

My goodness - I have been going to the Jazz night for 19 years :-(

Next May marks the 20th Anniversary of us going to the Jazz night and it was just before we moved into the house we live in now. Blimey - I was just 31 years old when I first went So many people have come and gone. My friend - who invited us to start with would have been retired 20 years next year he tells me!

EEEeeeeekkk. I am getting old :-) and so is he.

I cannot believe that I have been going out on the 1st Wednesday in the month (most of the time) for a Trad Jazz evening for the best part of 19 years - now that is a commitment.

It is a great night out and just an escape from every day stuff. Cheap beer and a really nice bunch of people and good live music. You cannot fail than to be uplifted by it.

Long may I continue to go and enjoy it. The trouble is the band only comprises one member from the original bunch now!

Ongoing Side Effects

This is the ongoing side effects not the ones you get at the time which are (or can be) severe. I've spoken about these before. The BCG side effects seem to be that these days I am quite warm. It feels as if my body temperature is up a degree or two but it isn't. I wonder if my circulation is better perhaps? I certainly feel warm and find warm rooms uncomfortable to sit in. I need to have fresh air or a cool room.

Colds - I am probably tempting fate here. I don't think I have had a cold since July 2006! I certainly don't remember having anything other than a runny nose perhaps and I was really worried about catching things off the children when I was having treatment and I never did.

Tired - I think that may be through work - last night I slept the whole night and so I was pleased with that.

Visiting the toilet a lot - I didn't need to get up during the night which is the other side effect. I go to the loo more than ever when I am in treatment and for a few weeks afterwards. The problem is that it can be every 30 minutes and so planning is essential. I can probably last 2 hours now but it is very noticeable that dashing to the toilet every 30 minutes is the norm!

Aches and Pains - Not really painful but more nagging and twinging reminders and a general uncomfortable feeling. I can't wear tight trousers and so have now graduated from jogging bottoms to elasticated waist trouser. I should be alright next week for getting back into something like normal clothes.

So a list of the problems - none of them that bothersome.

Typical

I got back and just missed the delivery man who was dropping off some good I have bought. Hopefully he will be along tomorrow and drop it off.

Well it was a nice day with my parents and I suddenly realised that I must have lost about 1/2 stone or possibly more in the month since I last saw them. I think the treatment and also the stress I have been under must be attributed some of that.

Visiting your parents is great a I still get spoilt so I can forget calories, Cholesterol and the like. Glad I didn't get any Castor Oil or Cod Liver Oil thrust down my throat though.

Off tomorrow

To my parents for a couple of days. I've had enough of the last month and all the positioning and politics and nonsense and I realised just how tired it has made me and fed up too.

A few days just doing nothing else will take care of it.

As someone once said the problems will still be there later this week and probably next week too. They got themselves into the mess and they can get themselves out of it.

Some interesting stuff on this web site

If you can stomach it that is.

The Site is here http://www.bladder-cancer-course.org/

It actually shows you someone getting treated with BCG - so I'd suggest that you only watch the video if you really are OK with squeamish stuff.

Other than that it is a very interesting web site.

So when do you start feeling good about yourself?

I ask this only in as much as today, probably for the first time since I got the clear (1st November), I can actually sit down, without a pile of work to do that I haven't and probably wont get paid for and just think about myself and my health.

All that has happened since I got the news has been just about the most ridiculous and basic management blunders that I have been running to fix and when I fix one, they rip open something else and I go and fix that. Well, the end game is afoot on that in the next few weeks. I am leaving them to it and will spend my time working out quite what I want to do next. They robbed me of my celebrations and the last 3 BCG treatments were a bit of a respite and a good excuse not to get too involved, travel around and just get agitated with some of the morons who have brought the business to its knees.

So what about today then? Well - in all the chaos - I see that it is now December. I haven't bought one present, written one card, or done the yearly newsletters either. Ooopps! So I reckon that one of the first things to do today is to work out my time for the next couple of weeks and to set aside plenty of time to do those. I need to wade through the wreckage that is my office. There are piles of unfiled papers which need putting away properly, post it notes are everywhere and I need to consolidate all the things they say to do and make one definitive list of to dos.

And relax and party are on my list of things. I haven't relaxed and partied and celebrated and generally been able to feel good about myself and I feel cheated over that. Luckily, a number of friends have lined up some outings in London and locally so I am looking forward to spending some good days and evenings out with them.

It is about time that I got selfish - I intend to do that.

Off for a nice evening

I hope so anyway - to a friend's house for drinks and some food - he is an excellent Chef so we can be assured of nice food and good company too. I could do with that after the last couple of weeks of turmoil.

It has been a month since I got the good news and I don't think I have stopped working, losing sleep and worrying since then. Tonight will be a real break from all of that.

DO I feel a weight lifted?

In a way, now that I have resigned part of my duties I do. Of course, now there are people whinging that I resigned! Perhaps they should have thought about that earlier. Anyway, as it was, I didn't have much in the way of a choice really.

I'll feel a lot better in a few days time I am certain. By then there should be a consensus on a way forward and perhaps many will have taken a "reality pill" and come back down to earth.