Fragility of the mind

I can say that I have gone through the mill these past 20 or so months. I've beaten myself up regularly and gotten depressed (oops the "D" Word). I've gotten wound up over a lot of things and yet, I like to think, that I am the victim in this little lot and shouldn't be feeling like the criminal. The mind does strange things to you.

I just cannot believe that a few years ago I'd have gone for the jugular on this and it wouldn't have worried me at all. These days I lack the self confidence I used to have even though I should continue to trust my instincts and should have reacted a little earlier.

Did these people take advantage of me because of what I had? Well I'd have liked to think so, but they have messed a lot of other people about too and it isn't just me anymore who is complaining.

I need to work on building my self confidence and to strengthen my mind too.

Well I can say that this is a bit better

You know that I was feeling quite depressed about the whole thing earlier in the week and since this afternoon, I'm a lot happier that I've found out what has been going on these past few months. The load has lightened significantly again and I feel a lot better about things even to the fact that I can probably now take this as the compelling event and the trigger to get me to move on. No matter what happens now, it is unlikely that any of us are going to get our money paid to us and rather than it just being me fighting for it - there will be a number of people all equally keen to get their investments back and some I know have much bigger solicitors and significantly more clout than I do.

Knowing what I thought I knew does mean that tomorrows "negotiations" can be approached with a small sprinkling of salt.

I now have a list of things that I can do to sort out the office and get my sad arse in gear!

A little background helps

A ha - no wonder they want to settle for less. They have lost another bunch of people who want their money back and they are blaming me for not having the money to repay them. Money was due to a number of older creditors later this month too. They think that I am due a large amount of money (who advises these people?) as I'm not.

It will be interesting indeed to see quite what goes on in the next few weeks. I have just gone up the road and bought a packet of wine gums to celebrate! I liked the bit that they thought I hadn't told anyone - and yet most know already, the overstatement of the facts, the innocence and naivety demonstrated and above all the final realisation that this could be the end game. Four months after they reckoned that it was all OK, they still aren't there and neither is the money. The problem all along was that we all communicated with each other and realised each was being given a different version of the "facts".

Now it may be a strange thing to say but it has cheered me up and confirmed what I felt was actually going on. Why am I happy? At least the thing can come to an end, they can get a liquidator in and a line can be drawn under the whole sordid affair. I may get nothing but at least no other person will get stiffed by these guys.

A better day so far

The conciliators have come back with some sort of settlement. I've said I'm open to suggestions but I don't hold out that much hope that they'll come up with anything new or exciting. They are not even going to meet the figure itself which shows their contempt for the process.

Ho hum. So what else? I got on with tidying up the office and with beginning to spec out the new company web sites and details. Also potentially getting some work for a friend of mine at the same time. Such is the level of "laid backness" today that I ave now managed to sort out some of my to do list without hardly realising it. A little more to go yet though as I need to sort out some financials and get some money paid into various bank accounts. I think I will do that tomorrow.

For the moment - the clock is ticking - mediation finishes tomorrow evening. If things cannot be settled then off to the Tribunal we go. They may not have realised that I will be taking the approach from now on that I have nothing to lose as I already lost it and am trying to get it back. The nearer it gets to the day the more Win/Lose it becomes.

Good

That's better - I've changed my morning routine, I have spent some time just thinking about things and am in a much better frame of mind this morning. In fact I was feeling quite OK when I went to bed last night too. Almost at peace with myself if that makes sense?

I'm back onto exercising this morning - properly and not haphazardly and I'm beginning to feel good about myself again. Not sure how long that will last but I will try and keep looking at things positively.

Better

A friend was around this evening and it was good to talk to someone who understood some of the jargon going on around the tribunal. It is all very well telling the wife and kids but I hardly expect them to understand the finer points of the Law of Employment - although they would probably understand them better than my previous employer.

Anyway, I am cheered up a lot more now which is good, I was definitely on a very low one today. Not as bad as my old friend the black dog but not far short of it!

Anyway, I have started to clear out my room and I am throwing away stuff that reminds me of it and getting on with things. Tomorrow - I start to get out and to live a little bit more.

Thanks KP

This cheered me up.

It says

So you think YOU had a bad day?

It Can Always be worse!

A second walk helped

With the wife - we went out and had a bracing walk it is getting very cold out there. A bit of a chat and a bit of balance into the equation. There are so many variables at the moment and it doesn't help to try and second guess the issue either.

I will be glad when I get some clarity either way and can get on with whatever I am going to do next.

Well kind of

I suppose that it has helped a bit - I am just going through a bad period at the moment. I've tried distraction and other techniques and the walk seems to have calmed things down a bit - I'm going to do a bit more in a few hours to see if that might help a bit more to break up the day and stop me dwelling on the negatives

It really is annoying as I know what is wrong and I should be able to deal with this - I always used to but again, I find that having had cancer has really weakened my mind. You get really strong in some ways fighting it and facing up to the treatment and then you get this stuff gnawing away at you.

I hope that I can get this lot out of the way and get on with my life as this is just stupid.

Roller Coaster Continues

Spoke to the conciliator - I am hoping that the work I have now done clearly lays out the choices for them. It is stark stuff but my documents make it clear what the case was. I'm only talking to the middle man and yet my chest is heaving. I'm going to take myself out for a walk to see if that does me some good.

Somewhat better

I was having a very bad day yesterday and yet, rationalising it as I went to bed - I just cannot see what it is that should be triggering me off I suppose it is just annoying and I'm worried about getting angry and aggressive or "losing it" during the tribunal but again, if I think long and hard about this, it is obvious what is going on. They don't work the same way that I do and my personality cannot make sense of it. In fact that is probably more like it. I can see the wood from the trees - they really haven't worked out that yet. They can't even see there is either there.

Of course, it isn't just that which is gnawing away at me either. The painfully slow road to recovery is also getting to me. I realise that it is also probably getting old but I don't have the energy levels and fitness levels I used to have which limits me and I'm going to start to tackle those sometime this week as I need to literally and figuratively "get out more". Sitting at this PC day in and day out really isn't going to make me fit.

Oh well, I'm feeling a lot better than yesterday and I have no doubt this week will bring much in the way of ups and downs too. I just need to work my way through them.

Getting quite depressed again

All of a sudden it came on again, not big nasty old black dog but inward looking, fed up, can't move on, introspective me.

I really really hate this at the moment. I feel quite sick inside and just when I feel good or move a bit, something comes along and knocks me back again. I have to get on with things and yet I'd quite happily go and sit quietly somewhere and brood over something.

I know I'm like this because of the tribunal thing - I mean what did I expect to happen? They lied last year so why change the way they approach their business and no doubt personal ethics. Probably that is right at the heart of it. I feel cheated and used and taken advantage of and I really cannot forgive or forget that with all the other troubles I've had they did this to me. Better than that, they have brought that up as some form of defence. Perhaps that is also at the heart of it, it is almost like some prejudice about me having had cancer or dared to have had treatment when I was meant to be working for nothing for them.

I'm not entirely sure how to tackle this at the moment. I hope that this week will see it all go away in some form or another.

I'm certainly going to try and do something different tomorrow to move myself on with it. They get the documents tomorrow so perhaps that will set some sort of resolution in process.

As parties go

It wasn't one I'd have made an effort to go to. I knew - my wife only and no one else! I did my best, hosed down a few beers and listened to the music which was a redeeming feature of the evening.

Other than that - I have to say I was bored senseless. Oh well, you have to go to these things sometimes I suppose.

Off out in a minute

Totally forgotten that we are off out tonight - are you coming? I was just asked ??????

A "dress to Impress" party - great - I'll see if the DJ still fits, my shirt is creased to blazes so I can't take off my jacket :-)

Great. Oh well - free booze so I should be alright I guess.

Interesting

A few more documents than I envisaged were produced for the tribunal by my ex-employers. Mine will land on their desk on Monday and so we will see what they make of them as they ave missed 4 absolutely key documents out. I imagine once that they see them things will change.

After all of that I'm getting on and catching up with my list of things to do. I've managed to clear out quite a bit of initial paperwork today and need to get on and do some more this afternoon.

I'm feeling OK about the tribunal stuff now as there isn't anything in there that shouldn't be and only a couple of documents that I wouldn't have had a chance to see. There is a surprise one in there - quite why they have such a fixation with my bladder cancer and treatment I don't know. However, I think that it should be interesting to see what they would present to a tribunal. Perhaps that cancer patients don't have employment rights.

Leap Year

I was in London yesterday - we had a good few beers and a curry after a meeting and blow me - I couldn't believe how much money I got through. I certainly cannot drink as much as I used to though I was feeling very slow indeed as I started to refuse drinks

Today I was up early, posted the documents and then went off to sort out a database problem. That took ages. I did divert on the way back and have a couple of beers and some rolls as I missed lunch hanging around waiting for stuff to get done.

It was really whilst I was sitting down and doing my usual - making notes - today that I decided to move on to the next stage in the process and fully assemble a commercial plan for my new venture and to get something moving on that. Tomorrow should see the start of some serious work on the business as I spoke to someone yesterday who really put the current situation into perspective for me. I have been focusing on how unjust things have been but I really should sweep it away and get on with things. Not easy - I need to realise that it isn't personal, that they really are going to fall even harder if they continue to act like they do and also that it isn't that important.

Earthquake - what Earthquake?

I didn't hear it or feel it but I got up at 1 in the morning just after the quake struck but it could only have woken me - I would have had no idea what was going on otherwise.

As with most of the larger natural events - it looks as if I managed to sleep through this one and the Hurricane in 1987. Which reminds me - I've lived in this house now for 20 years in July - goodness - where did the time go?

We don't get extreme events here in the UK but given the BBC's coverage you would have thought half the country had tumbled into the sea or something. A few Chimney pots crashed to the ground and one person was hurt. I'm not sure that it takes up that much space when the deaths by RTAs was probably in the tens of people.

Putting things in order and to bed

I finally wrapped up the documents today for the Tribunal and they are ready to be posted off. That is something out of the way. I have completed the Witness statement and have that ready to go too.

I feel that this bit of the problem can start to be shut down now and that moves are taking place to resolve that.

I now need to move on the other areas and get closure and also to move on with my career and my new venture. I've been side tracked enough these past few weeks with spurious jobs that haven't gotten anywhere. I've sent off my CV and that has gone nowhere and the job for this week didn't materialise either. I think I need to go back to making my own luck from now on.

The next thing is to get back into some sort of work routines which have been sadly missing these past few months unfortunately.

New Look

Someone commented that the blog was Pink - which I did originally from the Breast Cancer colours. However, it is about time we had a change and so a more blue hue has been chosen.

Strength Comparison

I haven't driven that sort of distance since before I was diagnosed. Perhaps the longest I have done was 4 hours divided into two journeys. So it was an interesting comparison on my overall levels of fitness before and after.

Yesterday's and the day before journeys of 6 and about 8 hours were eye opening ones for me as I realised that I can now only realistically drive for about 2 hours at a time before needing to get a break. My legs were almost numb by then. it could be my footwear as I have noticed that they tend to give me a numb foot occasionally so I need to perhaps drive around in different shoes and see if that helps. The amazing thing is that I really needed the breaks where years ago, I would have been able to perhaps do the 6 hour trip with one stop and the 8 hour one with 2 or perhaps 3.

Overall I really felt the drive and even my nice car, which is very comfortable, didn't help me much. Sure it flies along at great speed but didn't help in the comfort department if my leg was going numb on me.

It was a marked difference. What do you expect? I can hear many shouting at me. Well, I really wasn't expecting to be quite so tired and weak as I was. At least I can start to work on that a bit more now.