Ha somebody doesn't get that I'm leaving the organisation

So funny.  I  asked for input to a document and got a load of old tosh back that I'd already condemned.  I am going to have a bit of fun and ask them to rework it and that when I get back next week it had better be ready....

I have had a busy day clearing the files and getting things finished and for the last time have sat here and stuffed well over 130 envelopes with Summons, dining slips, minutes, notices and all that gumpf plus sealed them, written letters, affixed stamps, emailed hundreds of others and so on.

That is about the end of it now and I retire as Secretary at the June meeting and can at last relax and enjoy myself and not have hours of sorting stuff out.  Six years is enough and of course for 4 of them I wasn't particularly well either.

I'm trying to sort out my diary so as not to be in the office too much at all between now and when the new guy starts.  I also need to set a reasonable rate to ensure that I am used sparingly and not used too much because it is cheap to do so.  I can bring that in to play when I have given the new guy a couple of days handover in June.

The new venture is starting to gain pace as we head towards what we are calling 'boot camp' where we intend to spend about three days locked away to develop our business strategy and go to market models.  We have two years of work behind us already that we need to review before then.  

I'm feeling very positive about things at the moment and slowly the diet is changing and I feel that I am also beginning to spend the right levels of energy on things now.  I just need to get some discipline into my working to ensure that I actually start aligning effort and achievement.  Most important. 

Work followed by a meeting tomorrow up in London.  London is fun at the moment as there are hundreds of elephants everywhere.  The one in Coutts Bank is covered in pearls and jewels and they are on the South Bank, Covent Garden and just about anywhere you care to look.  It is all about protecting / saving Asian elephants.  London is a great place to work - sometimes.....

Confirmation of my replacement at work

Great - 1st June start which I thought would happen.  It looks good as I can set him off and just keep an eye on things as they transpire.

I need to get away from the clawing pull of work and get on to my own thing.  That is really beginning to take a hold now.  I need to give it a proper run though as it is my money and my time going into it.  I wonder what things will be like this time next year?  

I continue to make gradual changes to my lifestyle and slowly change my diet.  I've been burnt in the past with too much change too quickly.  I hope that these together with a more disciplined working life and exercise (there I said it) will start to turn my lethargy around.  I am certain that the new work arrangements will make a difference - I'm certain of it in fact.

A couple of days off work and back on Thursday and off on Friday.  

How People Treat You

I've visited this subject before but I was thinking how much things have changed with my family probably more than other areas.  I had the shakedown of my friends almost 4 years ago now as some stepped up to the plate and other faded into the distance.

My family have been great really but that has been practical help and probably putting up with me when I haven't been that great myself.  Kudos to them but recently, because we never did discuss what the hell was wrong with me - they treat me like my Doctor treats me.  They see the illness in terms of black and white and miss out (probably rightly so) on the way it plays with your mind.  But that matter of fact remoteness which is pretty useful I imagine for them to deal with things means that I just happen to be another person in the house.  We dance around each other and then when we get a social event no one really bothered with me apart from me buying the drinks!  Really!  The girls have friends of their own and Mrs. F. was extremely busy chatting to everyone else so I spent quite a bit of the evening on my own sipping beer.  

I'm no great party animal but I can be and usually am fun at these sorts of things but I couldn't exactly amuse myself with my jokes and stories - I've heard them all before.   

I guess I felt I was being treated as some sort of Leper and that is why I wasn't particularly happy.

Well that told them

I did actually say something last night.  I was pretty unimpressed with the way I ended up basically on my own for most of the night.  Unlike me I decided I ought to say something and so did.  You can cut the atmosphere in here today with any kitchen implement you may wish to think of.

It is unlike me to be quite so angry and actually say something about it but I think that it is about time I said it as it is and how I feel.  

D is for Depression

The "D" word again.  I find that I'm upset by things I shouldn't be.  Surely those who are close to me now understand or being to understand the problems and trauma I live with?

Well, NO, they don't they blinkerdly piss me off regularly and all I really want is a moment or two of recognition of the agony and turmoil that I go through daily, hourly and I suppose most of my time.

I'm too much of a gentleman to actually say what is wrong.  I try and be blunt but actually I'm not very good at being an emotional outpouring person  

I need to start telling it as it is.  I'm the one getting hurt after all.  They don't know the damage they do to me.  I had a nice evening this evening but I spoke to a few people for a few seconds.  I spent the whole night on my own otherwise...... 

Slowly aligning to the new role

We have to start somewhere is the cry.  Indeed we do.  I need to get into reverse and get out of the office ASAP and start to set myself ready for starting with the new venture. 

It needs my full attention and my full time effort to ensure that I can make as good a go as possible of it.  Ultimately I need to get a lot (and I mean a lot) of finance to make it work and you can't do that in an amateur and part time fashion.  If I've learnt anything in the last two years doing it part time it is that.  Last night's meeting was funny when I explained why we needed to go full time.  "Why?" said one - "well, it took three weeks to arrange this meeting - isn't that a clue?"

I also reminded them that we had agreed to go and get finance by the end of June and that this was the first time we had met as a team since that time and all of us had a good reason or excuse but that it was close to half a year lost!  That's why it needs to be a full time effort.  No one realises or quite gets the scale of the proposition.

Anyway, exciting times to come I guess.   Off tonight to an 18th Birthday party - that will be fun.  L and her friend have new shoes.  So new and so steep are they that we have to drive them to and from the event when it is easily within walking distance!!!  It should be fun.

And so to business

We had a constructive meeting but not particularly a good one I felt tonight as one of the guys arrived late and so the conversation was a bit stilted.  However, enough progress was made to go forward.  We headed off to the Texas Embassy eating house near Trafalgar Square.  It was OK and I suppose I can at least say that I have been there.  If you like chillies with everything then this is your place.   I have to say that I can still taste the damn things.

A came and picked me up from the station as my shoes were rubbing a bit.  Not surprising I suppose as I have been on my feet a lot today.

I am feeling much shirker since I got the news and amazingly, the Hospital emailed me with a list of dates to have my operation.  That actually disturbed me a bit but perhaps the message about giving me advancce notice has gotten through.   Now we are checking our dates and I feel that I may choose the 16th July which is a Friday.  That might allow me to get home Friday night and have a weekend recuperation and that I can get working again on the Monday even if it is just at home.

I need to get the discipline of work back and I must ensure I get enough time together to give the new business a chance to survive.

The Morning After

Things seem to be quite good today. A little fragile emotionally - I guess that is relief rather than anything else.

Today is pretty important in terms of the founding of our new business. We meet with our original partners and have to have the "adult" conversation which revolves around us breaking away and making this happen (or not) and that is an option it could all be wasted time. They need to let us know what they are thinking and what - if anything - they want out of it. My business partner and I are now taking all the risks and we are the ones investing money, time and intellectual property on a full time basis.

I hope that they consider fully what our risks are as they are both in full time extremely well paid employment. For us it is a double whammy as we aren't earning anything, have to invest in costs to run a business and aren't paying ourselves either so 6 months is more like a year invested. Anyway, that is this afternoon's interesting meeting. I'm sure it will be business like.

So - not having BCG - what a bonus. I suppose as there was only one tiny tumour that it makes sense to check again and if there is a major outbreak then to consider what to do.

That's a Relief

I waited for an hour to see the specialist - an hour!!!!  Why don't they tell you at the time - you could go and get a beer or a cup of tea or something.   

I finally saw the Registrar and he explained that the tiny tumour WAS cancerous, was a Grade 2 so nowhere near what I had before with the 3 and the Carcinoma in Situ.   Then he said that they wanted to see me in July/August for a rigid Cystoscopy so that they could have another look and more biopsies and check once again on progress.   I was very young and had many years of life to go and they wanted to make sure that they kept me under observation - strange words but theirs...  

Relief?  I'll say,  blimey I was expecting Monday morning to be full on and BCGs kicking off once again.  I suppose it was good tactics to think like that and be pleased with the outcome but we also spoke about ongoing stuff and the potential to have a neo bladder (not from the Matrix) installed and all that but he did say that I was FAR away from that scenario.  As long as I didn't have anything nasty in me in July we could review the case again.

No one likes going into hospital - me more than many and yet I feel comfortable that I am getting this level of inspection.  It can't be cheap but if it keeps me alive and kicking then it is worth it.  Until you get to this stage of having cancer ( and I seriously hope you never do)  it sounds horrendous and yet, if it keeps you alive you will be surprised what you will put yourself through.

Septic Peg or Mystic Meg or

Who knows what will happen?

It is late Wednesday Night and the day of Judgement arrives very soon.  In about 11 hours I'll know what is going to happen to me.  I am primed to take a full re run of the BCG treatments, Operations and all that stuff and yet I'll be disappointed if that does happen.  I know I will be just devastated and yet - I know what the probable outcome is - we are strange creatures sometimes.

At the Lodge meeting the wave of goodwill washed over me and that was nice.  Is it only me who doesn't think it is that serious?  I have a healthy regard but I don't fear things as I used to.   I suppose we just heard that one of our members died from cancer in February - not the first in our Lodge by any means but I know that the worst scenario would be loss of bladder and possibly Prostate in the overall scheme of things and either a bag or a bladder made from other body parts - not bladder (where the problems are) bits at all.  That would actually mean no cancer at all but a different sort of life.

the "matter of fact" part is that - I am living with this, I can accept that it is my last option and I hope they don't say that tomorrow (or ever).  

I will have my future read tomorrow - not by some mystic or medium but by my Consultant.  She will give me the usual logical view of the world.  How I choose to deal with the truth will be be as much about my character as what will happen to my dreams and plans with my new business venture which will be an exciting journey whatever happens.  I hope that I live long enough to see some if not all of it fulfilled.

Finally, it is election day tomorrow in the UK.  I cast my votes last week as I am a Postal Voter.  Have been ever since I was called away on business and was unable to vote one year.  I believe that it is your civic duty to do that.  You cannot complain if you didn't vote - you only have yourself to blame and all the other people too lazy to exercise their democratic freedoms this way!!!!!  However, there is a fundamental thing here too.  People died to give me the vote and how dare I disgrace them and their memory by wasting my vote, built on the blood and sacrifice of the generations who have gone before.  I doubt many fought so that you could ignore it but maybe that is what freedom is about after all?

Me?  Well - I just want to get tomorrow out of the way so I can plan my future a bit better.  I do feel more trepidation than normal as I am uncertain what the results will bring.  I steel myself for bad news knowing that good news would really cheer me up.

As Steve Kelley in the US often reminds us - Judgement Day can be filled with great news, not so great news, bad news and worse than bad...  I hope for somewhere in the middle and wish for something a little higher.  Tomorrow is another day.

Tuesday

Got my replacement sorted - I think he will be good for the company.   Had the big meeting - I got my words right and better still, had a good time except fencing off the question "How are you?"  It is never an easy answer is it?  Ideally I'm fine will do but I don't know that until Thursday so had to skirt the answer with reassurances from myself that I am OK.

Joy of joys Ii bumped into my friend from Denmark who gave me not one, not two but at least three huge bear hugs as he is wont to do.   Missed flocky not staying but we were happy enough with 4 of us on the table and our friends from Hervey Lodge too.  

Not long been home and feeling jaded - another big day tomorrow followed by Thursday and the Hospital.  I'm expecting bad news in a way.  I don't suppose that it can be anything less than 6 BCGs for me.  It will be a surprise if it is any less.

So here comes the busy week

It really is some week coming up:

8 tomorrow - interview with my probable successor

12 tomorrow - on duty for major meeting

7 tomorrow evening dinner

Wednesday all day meeting followed by Lodge meeting back here

Thursday - Judgement Day - I find out how well I am and what I need to undergo to stay as well as I am now.

If time Thursday lunchtime - London Lunchtimers meeting

Friday is the New Business divorce day.  We meet our old partners and set down where we are going and what we intend to do.  We get a clean break and have some sort of tie in that takes their influence away from the new business.  After that - my business partner and I can get moving. I am looking forward to the challenge immensely.

Of course the highlight of the week will be my visit to the Hospital on Thursday morning.  I will either go to London or perhaps wander back via the pub.... drowning any disappointments as necessary.

Helping a Friend

How much do you charge a friend of Mrs. F. for sorting out their PC?  It was a total of 1 hours work and actually was easy to solve once I realised what was going on.  I didn't need to use my amazing gizmos to go tackle a virus, that had already been found and dealt with.  The association file was corrupted in vaulting and destroying the virus.  Easy enough to cure once I found the registry thing.

So what do you charge?  I made a token figure of £10 but she gave me £15 which she felt happy with.  If you had to do this on-line it would have cost close to £45 but that is extortionate.  Goodness knows how much everyone has to pay to sort out problems on the computers caused by their anti virus software identifying a virus (as it is meant to do) and then messing the system up.   Once I had cured that, of course, suddenly there were loads of updates streaming through and they probably had to sit there updating their machine for hours.  

Why should anyone have to spend hour doing that sort of thing?  I hope that, in my new business venture, no one will ever have to worry about that ever again.  Now to go find a venture capitalist who sill fund us to build it......

Sunday

My wedding anniversary - 29 years with Mrs. F.   A nice meal last night with some friends and today has been a quiet sort of day so far.  I have to go over and sort out someone's PC later today.  Some sort of virus issue and so I've got my small box of tricks ready to go and tackle that.

L is our working and A will also go to work later on today too.  I can't complain about that as they are both earning their own money and that has to be good for them for their future too.  A came back from a trip to Scotland yesterday, ate and went off to work....  

Me?  I've got my preferred replacement coming in on Tuesday morning for a 2nd interview and he has sent me some of his work which looks to me to be far superior to that I've managed to do so I am hoping we can get him on board and get him on board as soon as possible.

I hope that I can release myself from the office as soon as possible after that though as I need to take on some of my new business work beginning in June.  Perhaps a blitz on a few publications and a hard few days working from home will see me able to resolve that.

Thursday Looms Large

And, to be honest I'm crapping myself about what they are going to say.  Sorry for that term but I was trying to think how to say that in a less crude and more erudite way and yet, that WAS the thought that was in my head.

I'm resigned to at least have 6 BCGs starting a week or two after the appointment.  I'm sure that it will be the precautionary thing to do.  Of course, it could be worse than that but that is the worst I'm prepared to play with at the moment.  Believe me, I'm not looking forward to the day but need to get it over and done with.  I find myself somewhat annoyed that I have to go back over the same ground again (if I have to) as I know the side effects and the regime that the next 2 or so years will bring.  I can't even begin to tell you what it means personally but even so, I probably don't have Cancer or CIS present in my bladder right now.  Just the one small, nuisance tumour which no longer exits.

The Terror of Cancer

I read on the BBC web site about Bob Harris and his Prostate Cancer battle.  He mentioned the weeks between realising that he had cancer and then waiting to see if it had spread as the worst weeks of his life and perhaps the most frightening too.  I felt real empathy and was beginning to fill up just thinking about how the poor guy must have felt especially as they thought it had spread.  He was pretty relieved to find it hadn't but then had to go through the chemo and hormone treatments required.

It is the added dimension of Cancer that it strikes this level of dread into the most hardened of us.  The word itself is enough to shake you to your core and to have it brings the added "bonus" of dealing with the emotional baggage that attaches itself to you.  At the end of the day, the word carries more force than perhaps it ought to but it is up there with words like Holocaust, Hitler, Mussolini, and Hiroshima.  It has a bad press and the common denominators of death and pain,  courage in the face of adversity, "no cure", and many other myths and misconceptions are programmed into us so that we respond very negatively to the word itself and have little comprehension about what it is unless you have it, deal with it or treat it.

The press and media need to try and make the word serious enough to respect but not demonised - more education and more openness about it would help without putting people off.  Too many still get the symptoms and will not go to their GP to sort it out early.  

Interviews

You know what it is like.  Life is full of surprises.  Suddenly the world just appeared to be one in which my people just found out my true value / worth.  One interviewee was good, I liked him a lot but the others weren't really going to cut it as dynamic was a word lost in translation.

I found out a lot today - no one wants me to go but they are happy that I'll still be around.  In fact there was talk of asking me to reconsider which was funny.  

I was also asked to let everyone know how I get on next Thursday - people are concerned and I've suggested that it will be a full set of 6 BCG that I am expecting probably kicking off around the 17th May and an Operation in September or maybe October just to round off my year.  They looked pained - how do you think I feel? :-)

So there we go another strange day at the office.  Early morning I arrived to find the new girl had left my desk totally unfit to use, had changed the PC screen resolution and a whole host of other things that really p1ssed me off.  i don't normally get quite so angry.  I had to explain to her that whilst I was happy to share a desk it didn't mean she could leave it unfit for me or anyone else to work on.  I think she got the picture as everything was laid out on the floor neatly as it was on my desk when she arrived in.  I had words.  Haven't had to explain things like that to a colleague for a long time but she isn't particularly sharp and was chosen as a not threat.

So one more interview tomorrow and I need to sort out a bucket load of stuff for Lodge too over the weekend.  Next week is as busy as hell - Monday is a Bank Holiday, Tuesday the Provincial Grand Lodge Meeting, Wednesday a huge Committee Meeting followed by a Lodge Meeting, Thursday Hospital and if I feel up to it going to my Luncheon Club and Friday we meet with the 4 business partners to explain the new regime and the new business plans and venture.  So after that, the rest of the week is my own!!

A Productive Day

If Monday turned out to be a day when my friend drained my energy from me through his troubles (not his fault you understand) and I was the person who listened and took the hurt and anger away then today was the opposite.  My business partner and I had a brilliant day thrashing out the elements of our business and setting out where we were going.

The bugger of it is me at the moment.  Another reason that I am a bit miffed.  You see I felt I was going to be pretty much clear to go and sort this out with him and run the business and yet - so much is now reliant on my meeting next Thursday with my specialist that it is a bit upsetting for me as I felt I should be able to give this a full time go.

There is much energy to be gained from getting involved in a massive undertaking like we are at the moment.  Creativity today was amazing and we are trying to find some time when we can go and lock ourselves away on a "boot camp" to brainstorm much of the work we have to do.  I can only hope that my consultant comes up with some radical way of treating me that allows me some time to get away and get this done.

I feel really on top of my game today - more so than I have for years - the feeling is great and I hope that I can repeat it many times over.

Dealing with Death

It is strange n'est pas readers that of all the people in this household, I'm the one who has to sort out the dead pets when they pass to the grand menagerie above.

Our valiant little Hamster passed away sometime yesterday I guess from the state he was in.  However, it had to wait until I could see if he was indeed dead, shake the cage, open up the little sleeping quarters and bless him there he was.  I then had to do the transfer from there into a little box with his name on it so that my daughter can do the rites tomorrow and this little fella can join the others at the back of the garden.  

It is pretty sad but I can't work out why Mrs. F. or younger daughter wouldn't do it?  

Anyway, I have always been against keeping animals although I suppose fish may be all right.  I find that keeping an animal in doors really flies in the face of nature but that's just me - I guess the other argument is that pets wouldn't be alive unless humans wanted and looked after them.  Something deep inside me doesn't "get it" about them - maybe companionship.  They say dogs are man's best friend but go ask your dog for some money as a loan and see where you get!!

So the poor old Hamster finally died - he made two miraculous recoveries from what I thought were death throes some months ago.  There will be a little ceremony somewhere down the end of the garden and I don't know whether she will get a new one.  

I had a mixed day at work yesterday as I did loads of work but then went as a guest to Lodge in Middlesex.  The meeting and food were great as was getting there and back by train but the chap I was with, who is an old friend is really down on his luck at the moment and there isn't an easy way out of the situation for him.  He will be flat broke in a month's time and is in danger of losing the house and everything.  The trouble is I can do nothing for him but listen and try and advise but I don't think he is listening or maybe he is but doesn't understand that this has been coming for years but he just hasn't faced up to it early enough.

Of course he looks mightily hurt that I am able to stop paid work and go and do my bit.  The trouble is that when I was raking in money I didn't spend it - it went into a fund that made sure that I secured my family first and now that is done I can work on securing my remaining years.  It is also plain that he wasn't best pleased that he didn't get to round two in the interviews for my job.  The problem is that the others are far more qualified.  However I tried to say that it felt as if I was spraying him with pepper spray - I felt really quite bad.   It is now a situation of what on earth can I do.  There isn't anything I can do apart from keeping telling him to be realistic and then ask me if I can help in some way.  I can't do it for him and I'm odds on certain that I'm going to end up with some sort of treatment coming up which will severely restrict my availability to do anything for a while either.

Strange that after all the years I've known him - I am just not able to help him like I thought I could/should.  I feel bad about it but I'm being the one who is being realistic about things.  Of course it isn't nice to realise that you may lose your house and have to go love elsewhere and make changes to your lifestyle.  It isn't nice at all.

Strange Day

I have been really angry all day today just seething.  Mrs. F. managed to screw one of the computers by shoving the wrong connector into a USB hub and I had to sort that out.  Then the PC wasn't responding, then the mouse and printers didn't work. 

I feel that I am begining to get angry about what will possibly happen to me in the near future and the treatment that I have somehow convinced myself that I will now have to undergo.

I'm angry about loads of stuff really and even now can feel it in my body.   It isn't like me to be this angry for this long.