Best Medicine

I feel SO much better this morning. Amazing what a couple of beers and a nice Curry with good company can do. It was ever so reasonable too as they have a special banquet offer. Very nice food it was too.

Flocky Bicep is on his way this morning to buy me a coffee which will be good.

What is still a bit of a worry is the side effects of the General Anaesthetic this time - I am still having memory problems and cannot find the right words to complete my sentences. It is OK writing like this as I can take my time but the lads were laughing as I would be half way through explaining something and then lose a word - they were probably laughing at my getting angry with myself.

Looking forward to

A pint and a curry tonight. It will be good to get out of the house and meet up with a few friends. I am looking forward to getting a bit of work in tomorrow and going away for a few days next week.

Thursday

And I am still sore - my middle, and bladder area are decidedly weak and twinge giving and it still stings a little to pee. My hand is bruised as are my legs just below the calf muscles and I'm still a little "slow" in conversation - I just cannot choose the right word in a flowing conversation which amuses others but frustrates me :-)

Another quiet day today - a little walk around the block again and I am out with a few friends tonight for a curry. I'm getting driven there and back which is a godsend - I could have got there and back by bus easily enough though - I would normally walk it but it feels out of range.

This is definitely the worst I have felt after an operation for biopsies. It isn't as bad as Scar Wars I and II but it isn't far short of them either. They did predicate a need to be inactive for some weeks due to the serious nature of the TURBT work they did. Here though, there was plenty of evidence of lots of activity. The debris and blood have stopped some days ago and now it is a matter of about another week before the scabs come off and I can feel confident of doing some serious exercise once again. Sitting around doesn't really help me feel any better but anything too energetic can set you off bleeding again so it is a balance.

4 years to the day

That I was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer. I remember that day. Gee the after sting of the flexible cystoscope and the matter of fact way my consultant told me I have cancer stick with me long after the event.

Appointment Through

Already - that is pretty fast - 3rd August I get to hear what the results are and what the next steps might be.

It occurs to me that this sudden need to take lots of biopsies in lots of places including the neck of the bladder (slightly below where the tumours were) might be some precursor to something. Otherwise - why do it? No good second guessing but I sure hope there was some sort of point in going through all of that nonsense last weekend.

I'm looking forward to a few days off with the family and to practice my French again. Belgian beer is pretty good too and their seafood (Moules et Frites or Fruites de Mer) well - what can I say - I'm really looking forward to that.

The dreams are back

Last night was like being stuck in a cinema such were the nature of the dreams I had. Amazing train sequence and one set in a warehouse and school (I know they don't make sense) but these were just amazingly clear with relatively crisp narrative and even a moral story in one of them.

Each was a waking event dream which pre-empted a visit to pass urine - all that liquid I've been drinking to irrigate my bladder has to go somewhere of course. I've missed these dreams for a while, perhaps all those films yesterday and the train could be to do with the Eurostar to Brussels - who knows?

It is another hot day today. I ought to take some fleeting steps out into the real world. Maybe I will wander around the village and see how I get on. As long as I take it easy it should be OK.

A lazy day

I've only done a little today and watched a few films - some of the Tour de France and written Scar Wars IX. I've also managed to book a short holiday with the whole family. Finally - and I mean that finally - after weeks maybe months the girls have managed to find a slot so we can all go away. Of course there were many caveats and ifs and buts so eventually after judging these on merit we booked a short break to Brussels. I haven't been there for about 12 years when I worked with Pfizer. Before that I did work there with AT&T and Banque Paribas and it is one of the nicest cities in Europe in terms of getting around and the multitude of things to do.

I doubt the night clubs I used to visit are still there or some of the restaurants but it will be nice to go back there and see how it has changed but I am looking forward to it. We are lucky in that there is a new International Station just 10 or so miles from us and so we can drive there, park up and catch a train to Paris or Brussels or loads of other places.

So perhaps our last holiday together. A has bought L a ticket to Edinburgh and the Festival so they'll both be out and about, plus other Festivals and trips they will not miss out by any means. L has her Provisional Driving License which is pretty amazing. The first time I went to Brussels on business she wasn't even born!

Scar War IX - A Nick in the Neck

Scar Wars IX
A nick in the neck
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away
Our hero Dave Sky-nando once again tackles Darth Urologist and her henchmen (and henchwomen)
An attack on Bl’dar with Cystoscope and Cauteriser once again threatens our hero’s sense of humour and builds further character. The battle may have been lost but is the war entering its final stages and will the evil empire be defeated? Read on…..

Things had started so well. Exercise, low blood pressure, packed and ready to go, a slow walk and get to the Hospital just after the time required meant no waiting around and straight into operating gown and curtained off area. Plugged into my MP3 player I was off and in to the zone I use to protect myself from the Evil Force of Darth Urologist. I saw the Deep Sleeper Anaesthetist and the Registrar before seeing my Consultant and chatting through the “just having a peek and a few biopsies” stuff we normally do, what to expect and as I’m an old hand at this we agreed that I knew what was going to happen and all that stuff.

I signed the consent form (I must remember to take my glasses next time) and all was fine with the world. At 1:30 the man came to collect me, I jumped on the trolley – we checked my name and birthday, he said “You’ve done this before” and he wheeled me off to the Prep room – for the first time it was the nearest Operating Theatre not the far one but they did say as it was Friday there wasn’t much on.

Prep was easy – my heart rate was high – it always is and my Blood Pressure was high but not as much as some of my previous visits and the cannula was in by 1:40 but there was no Consultant and so we waited. The Registrar said he was going to have to wait as my Consultant “Knew my bladder and what it looked like”. My Consultant arrived 30 minutes later and I was relieved to see she was all OK and that I was ready to get this sorted. I wasn’t too worried – I knew things would take their time I knew this as I had programmed myself to let them do this in their own good time and not mine. I was still pretty early into Theatre and I was in front of everyone else in the room so all appeared fine. The Anaesthetist got me to hold the Oxygen Mask on my face and blow me that’s the last thing I remember until finding myself in recovery.

I came to not knowing where I was or what had been going on. After a few seconds I clicked in where I was, where I was in the recovery room and then when I looked up to my horror I was wired up to two huge wash out bags alongside my plasma bag. I was breathing Oxygen but asked whether I was cathetered if so why? I had to wait for my Consultant to turn up and explain it to me. I wasn’t happy but then shoved up to the eyeballs with General Anaesthetic and other drugs – I doubt I was in any position to rationalise what was going on. No, I had two possible permutations. I was connected to all this gear like I was when I had my initial TURBT and my Re-TURBT (Scar Wars I & I). That could only mean one of two things – a major recurrence and therefore lots of cutting and debris to get rid of or a perforated bladder which is a risk albeit a low risk. I was hoping for the latter of course but knowing there had been a recurrence 3 months ago I feared the very worst.

My consultant came out and saw me visibly upset and explained that after she had started the procedure she had decided to take a lot more biopsies and to take some around the neck of the bladder. By doing that she would have caused trauma to that area and there was a possibility that it would restrict the flow of urine and be painful and she had therefore put in a catheter and wash through. She had also taken some samples from where she did the work last time. I forgot to ask the question but she may have said all was OK but I missed that. I was transferred to ward 8 (another first) and was hooked up to the oxygen and offered some water. I know what to do and so started drinking for England but I have to say I have never been this thirsty either, my throat was incredibly dry.

I managed to see my Consultant and ask the right question. It was amusing as she at first thought I’d forgotten what she told me in recovery. No I hadn’t I just hadn’t asked whether it was clear. The answer was pretty good I guess “whilst there were some pink areas, they appear to be from the past operation biopsies.” She went on ”The bladder looks clear and I would be surprised if the Lab reports come back with anything different.” It was then that she dropped the bombshell that I would be in until Sunday. Such were the nature of the cuts inside my bladder apparently that it meant it would have to be.

I found that they seem to allow mobile phones in the ward these days and so when Mrs. F. arrived she found my bag for me and I was able to text out to the world that I wasn’t going to be home Friday night or even Saturday but that it should be Sunday.

About this time it starts to get to the point where I lose my sense of humour. When the nurse took my blood pressure which was low for me and average for everyone else, they left my table, with water jug and glass and things on it pushed away from the bed out of reach. WHY do that – surely you must realise with all the stuff strapped to me I can barely move???? Numbnuts! I eventually see a nurse and ask whether it would be possible to assist me. They do but no apology! Attention to detail people – attention to detail – how hard can it be to work out that I can’t move? Damn, I was going to be in until Sunday and the girls and Mrs. F were doing the Race for Life run in London so how was I going to get home etc…

That night I managed to fire off some SMS messages from my phone and I settled down to some mince and mashed potato which was about all that was available. There isn’t a lot to be said for Hospital food at the best of times. The people were nice but I just seemed to feel that they weren’t paying close attention. As we shall see it comes down to you looking out for yourself.
I was particularly not looking forward to a night inside and with lights out at about 09:30 I started to listen to my MP3 player but gave up. I also hate being in Hospital as I am prone to snore if I sleep on my back and I don’t like disturbing other people. As luck would have it, I know how to sort this out by wedging myself over on my side. Easier said than done with a catheter and more piping than BP used to cap an Oil Well!! Luckily, as the nurse came down to check my urine bag he decided that the wash through bags were no longer needed and they were removed and a bung shoved into the Catheter and so I was able to turn in bed and in fact become free enough to move around. Carrying my bag I was able to have a wash and brush my teeth but how sore I was already was apparent and of course, you cannot freely move with a tube shoved up your penis and into you bladder (no DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME).

The night passed quite well – I was able to hook myself over to the left and hang with an arm on the rail and propped with a pillow so followed a night of fits and starts as the poor two chaps opposite me (Kidney Removed man and Appendix Man) had various treatments done, Morphine shots and all sorts. I was awake early and at 5:30 they came around and start the ongoing process of Blood Pressure and Temperature taking, giving out pills etc. The long Saturday had started. I got up, sat on a chair and plugged in my MP3 player and waited for breakfast at 8.

What happened next sort of started the whole thing off for me as one of the Doctors turned up to take my blood. “You must be joking I said.” “No, we need to check your white cell count”. “I’ve been in 9 times and this is the first time you have ever taken blood from me here.” I was obviously pretty put out and made it known that I was pretty pissed off. Its not as if I’m a real Jedi and needed my Midichlorians sorted out for pity sake. I find the whole thing tiresome and in normal circumstances it would not have been necessary as I wouldn’t even be there. Again, one of my problems is that it isn’t in the plan I had for how it should all go. I kind of said something along those lines that if they hadn’t carved me up so bad none of this would be necessary. Those who know me may suddenly realise that this is me at my worst – I don’t do all this fluffing about stuff and if I’m in that sort of mood you get both barrels.

As is usual, just as Breakfast starts so my Consultant shows up! Luckily she tells me to continue eating whilst she sees Kidney Removed Man and another chap out of sight of me who has some sort of blockage. Then my Consultant looks at my urine bag and says “That’s looking nice and clear”. “You really want to go home don’t you?” I guess the Doctor who was with her had explained quite how bad my reaction had already been to them wanting a blood test and she knows me and my ways “I’d like to I half pleaded.” “Well we can take the Catheter out now and see how it goes but if there is any restriction we would have to reinsert the Catheter.” Now I know what you are thinking, you’d have taken the chance but my eyes are watering just writing this and so I thought for about 2 milliseconds and replied that “I wasn’t brave enough to consider having a reinsertion (having only had treatment ones before) and that an extra day would be fine given the ‘risk’”. Also it made sense that like normal, it would be out at 5:30 the next morning and I’d be home by lunchtime. There was the little matter of an anti-biotic injection if a catheter is in for more than overnight but that was a small matter and once that was done it was just a matter of banging out 3 good samples of urine in jugs before they let you go.

Saturday was the most boring day ever – it was hot and airless and I managed to drink my way through too many jugs of water apparently. The TV requires paying for and at the cost they wanted I could have bought the TV. On and on the day went, visiting came and went and meals appeared and were eaten. A bag of sweets kept me sane and finally at about 8 pm my MP3 player decided enough was enough and stopped working. Luckily I have a back up MP3 player and spare batteries so I switched over and used that one.

Night again proved awful as it was hot and sticky. Somehow, around 2 in the morning I must have managed to go over onto my back – easy enough done with a catheter hanging out of you – it hurts like hell if you pull, push or rest on it. I was awoken by a nurse saying that I was snoring – apart from frightening the daylights out of me she asked the dumbest question of all time. Are you ready for this? She asked “Do you snore this loudly at home?” My answer? “I don’t know, I’m always asleep when I’m snoring!”

With that out of the way I managed to get sorted and spent what was left of the night in a fitful sleep making sure to lie on my side. Kidney Removed Man and Appendix Man managed to get on and off to sleep with some heavy doses of pain killers.

5:30 came and they did the usual vital measurements – again – low for me. However no catheter removal. Was it on the list? Yes it was but no one was acting on it until my Consultant came along. The Doctor came along again with her blood stuff but not for me – she probably saw the scowl I had on my face by then. Everyone else got tested though – maybe this was a new thing?

At this point in time I was a bit concerned as breakfast arrived and my Consultant hadn’t shown up. They weren’t going to remove the catheter without her and so at 9:30 I was relieved to hear her say that it all looks good that can be removed and you can go home. I remind you that this was 09:30 Sunday morning. At this point in time, I fully expected that by 10 things would start moving. I spoke to the nurse who knew nothing about it but had to find the nurse who was walking around with my Consultant. Then at 10:30 there was a break through – they agreed that my catheter can come out but they needed to make up some anti-biotic – I looked strangely at the nurse – “make it up” – “We haven’t got any it will take half an hour”. Now I looked surprised as you’d have thought that they’d have anti-biotic on a surgical ward. An hour later 11:30 or thereabouts she tells me she has got the anti biotic and turns up with a saline bag that has had the anti-biotic stuck in it. Now I often wondered why they kept cannulas stuck in your hand if they didn’t use them? She sets it up and then says – in a sort of absent minded way I forgot I need a urine sample from your catheter. OK so she does that and here’s where the trouble started I reckon. She didn’t get a clean go at it and charged the syringe number of times which really hurt my bladder and started it bleeding as the resultant blood in the syringe showed. Then she said that my cannula was gummed up and she need to clear it. So she disconnected the saline drip and shot this large syringe of cold fluid into my cannula - it felt cold and sort of made its way up my arm.

OK so I’m sitting there really pissed off now this slow drip is going to take ages, she’s hurt my bladder and I can see blood and bits coursing down the pipe to the urine bag and then I feel it. I start to feel a little nauseous and a little hot, then my breathing started to quicken and my ear drums started throbbing. Oh no, I realised exactly what was happening. My chest started to heave and I managed to get my MP3 player off and push the nurse emergency call button. I grabbed the arms of the chair and braced myself – the next thing I knew was I was coming around and mumbling and my legs and arms were thrashing about everywhere. The nurses looked pretty scared – I spoke to one of them and said I’d fainted (obviously) and they laid me on the bed, got me completely flat and this must have been around 11:45 as lunch arrived as I was lying down.

I explained that I was almost certain it was the flush of the cannula or the back pressure on my bladder. I explained that this was exactly what happened to me the first time I came in (Scar Wars I) when they tried to correct a blockage in my catheter and with a similar outcome.

You would have thought that someone would have come around to see me after 15 minutes or so wouldn’t you? No it was 30 minutes or more later that they came around and saw me – I then asked permission if I could get up and have my lunch as it was getting cold. “but its salad said the nurse” “I know” I said. So I managed to eat my lunch and then lay back until gone 1 pm when the drip finally finished. The Doctor wanted to keep me in and in no uncertain terms I explained to my nurse why she wasn’t going to keep me in and exactly why. This seemed to work and finally at 1:30 the catheter came out. Could I have the cannula out? No apparently not. I went for a shower and then of course had to do the obligatory 3 pees in a jug. I managed those at 2:10, 2:30 & 2:55 at 3:15 they finally came and ultrasound scanned me and I was free to go at 3:20 at 3:30 I arrived home.

Nine times in the past four years I’ve had operations, seven of them have been rigid cystoscopies and like travelling in parallel universes there is not one that has been the same as another – not one! What is that all about? Somehow I would have thought that there would be some sort of commonality as suggested in all the literature you ever get from the Hospital before you go in – but as in the Corporate World that’s just the advert – the real thing is often a lot different to how you expected it to be. Let that be a lesson to us all.

Swelling

Yes - marked swelling where my bladder is - and sore too. Not pleasant but bearable and I have to temper everything with the knowledge that if I had the offer of those three days versus a clean bill of health then I would have taken that so I can only be grateful that it is my health and not them having found a cancerous growth or some other thing to worry about.

As always - I need to work out some way of not losing my equilibrium when it doesn't go the way I thought it should go. I had even planned for the unexpected and the possibility that there may be another tumour - oh well - I think that I need to try once again to work on a way of letting these things happen without me getting myself all in a twist.

The trouble is being a control freak doesn't help. Being out of control doesn't do a dyed in the wool Programme Manager any good whatsoever.

Weight

Well I weigh this morning - before breakfast and after perhaps draining myself with the three or four trips to the bathroom last night - an amazing 16 Stone and 1 lb. That's 225 pounds.

I ate very little in Hospital and in fact even yesterday I only really had soup and fruit with Spaghetti Bolognese last night. The portions I eat are much smaller I notice and I no longer snack - well that's not true - I snack on fruit and celery sticks if at all.

Crickey - 225 is pretty good - my waist isn't good at the moment as I'm sure it is swollen from the beating it has just taken under the cystoscope and cauteriser thing.

I doubt I can keep this sort of loss up although I'm still 14 pounds or so heavier than I was 4 years ago so it must be possible and I'm still 2" around my waist and 1" around my neck larger than this time last year - none of my shirts bought for the cruise fit me at the moment so I'm probably getting back towards where I should be. When I was a young guy I was just 11 1/2 Stone but amazingly fit and that was when I was working on site and leaping around scaffolding and doing all that manual labour an electrician does. I've filled out a bit since then :-) obviously :-)

Good thing I wasn't in Hospital longer or I'd be my target weight in no time!!

Up Early

Surprised me but I am up at just gone 5 this morning. No idea why although I did go to bed early yesterday and Hospital means you are normally lights out around 9:30 or so. I feel quite well and generally my skin is now returned to warm from clammy.

I'm probably as beaten up as I was the very first time I went in and had the TURBT. I'm not as weak and in generally as bad a way as I was then but I was also dealing with the diagnosis and in some respects the shock of it all. I also firmly believe I had been ill for some time and that finding out it was cancer can going through such a traumatic experience over what seemed like an age (but was less than 4 weeks total) was a major event.

Talking of major events, Mrs. F, A & L took part in Race For Life on Sunday - they went to the big one at Hyde Park in London meaning that I had to have alternative means of transport home on Sunday. I probably don't want to think too deeply about why they and all their friends do it but they had a lovely time all dressed in pink and I've yet to see their photos. I'm sort of humbled that they'd take part.

Today is another rest day for me. I intend to take it relatively easy and maybe work up some ideas for Scar Wars IX. I can still feel stinging in my urine which means there is blood present although I can't see it at the moment. I must weigh myself and publish that for Steve too.

Yuk, yuk and double yuk

She wasn't kidding when she told me that there'd be a lot of debris and blood as she had taken loads of samples. Today was gross out day and detritus was a constant stream in my many, many trips to the toilet. I'm an old hand at this - you drink constantly up to 5 pints of water a day - I reckon I've done more than that to get a 15 to 20 minute frequency going. The more you pee the quicker you get the healing process going and the less painful it gets.

Pain was the least of my worries the gross out bit never fails to make you cringe. Lots of large bits were falling out but have now stopped.

I'm feeling a little better yet still slightly angry at the 3 day sojourn rather than the in and out.

Off to bed now and feeling quite good after a shower and a shave. Tomorrow I hope to spend a little more time up and about - I lazed around and watched DVDs, Avatar, Kill Bill Vol 1, Catch me if you can and Papillon - all of which were good value I felt. The last one was a bit like the Hospital - especially the food :-)

I was all set to

Burst into tears - I was close to it, I admit. I was so utterly frustrated at the pace things were going at a stupid pace and then a pretty serious set back in my recovery which basically meant I fainted or passed out late this morning got me quite rattled with the doctor who wanted me to stay in. After "a few words" I got my way and managed to get home but the trouble is, after all my saying about "things will take their own time" and "what will be will be" you can hardly expect as it passed 48 hours after the time of my operation that I still actually wanted to be pleading to go home. However, I can be pretty persistent and pretty persuasive when I want to be.

Well I am off to bed and will have to sort myself out tomorrow for a weigh in. A quick look tonight shows 232 pounds, but I'm weighed down with a good few pints of water in my system to get me irrigated and so seeing how little I actually ate these past few days I'd think there is some loss but I have to wait and see.

For someone who likes to be in control and let's face it, I've had 8 of these Cystoscopies, not one of them has been the same as the other. There is no pattern, little logic or rhyme and reason behind them. The leaflet is straightforward and states a series of facts and not one of them is correct for this particular visit. The problem comes when you set yourself up for the obvious answer to facts and factoids (I love that word) presented to you and you make a "logical" assumption only to find that you are WAY wide of the mark. I woke and found myself cursing the fact I had a Cathether stuck in me but worse that that two huge saline irrigation bags alongside my plasma bag and I really thought that they'd found a tumour and TURBT'd me. What else could it possibly be - the only experience I have ever had of that sort of set up was the original TURBT and the first Cystoscopy that turned in a Re-TURBT (Scar Wars II - has many of these traits too). How wrong was that? Way off beam, no tumours at all, no funny things that looked like tumours. So how come I ended up with all the gear? Biopsies in the neck of the bladder and as they were there they re-did the areas from last time and another lot as well, in fact they just went to town and used my bladder lining as an open cast mining town!

Anyway - bed - I must get some sleep. However, fear not, there was also plenty of humour along the way....

I have just re-read this post - this is why you should not sign legal documents, drive a car or do other things (like write a blog) after a general aneasthetic. I will leave it as it is to serve me right in the future :-)

Sunday Afternoon???

Yes Sunday afternoon and I finally got back from my Cystoscopy. Wait until you read Scar Wars IX for absolute details - let's just say "It's been emotional!"

The good news out of all this utter turmoil is that it looks clear and my Consultant said "It looked OK, a little pink where we operated last time" (3 months ago) and "I would be surprised if the lab results show anything different"

The comedy of errors and the sheer amount of work they did mean that Scar Wars IX overran Scar Wars I and Scar Wars II by more than 4 hours!!! So this is the longest of any of the procedures to date and it was just a check up :-(

More later - I'm OK that's important. I'm pretty sore, very p1ssed off and quite emotional but other than that - fine :-)

You've been here before

I certainly have been here before. I am now plugged into my MP3 player, listening to Supertramp as it happens. Just doing some odds and ends, updating Facebook, updating here, getting myself into the zone as far as I can and just preparing myself for the rest of the day.

I'm pretty much neutral on outcome - by that I mean I haven't prejudged it this time. I wait to hear what they say and I hope for the best but may have to accept second best. I really hope that they can just get on with it and get me out as soon as possible. I just want to be on the other side as soon as possible.

I need to do a trawl around the house and check everything and then wander up to the Hospital. Scar Wars IX here we go.

That's a little better

Crashed into the exercise regime and did a 30 minute burn. Took my mind off what is going on later, brought my blood pressure down and with a bit of luck will allow me to potter about until 11 when I need to head off to the Hospital. In fact I might go 10 minutes later to arrive just after the time they want me there. This will save waiting in that awful waiting room I hope and let me get straight to my curtained off area to get ready and into my zone.

Floods of Dreams

They are strange things dreams, my Dad was in a few last night, chatting away to this chap who is actually seen on TV and we were in some old fashioned shop chatting away about some cycling down to the coast or some such thing. A fitful night, as you'd expect and a nervy feel this morning. I can feel my heart thumping away and my Blood Pressure reading is reassuringly high, so high that I am not going to record it on my chart until after I've done some exercise. I've made a decision to do that this morning - more as a distraction than anything else with the possibility it may just get my breathing and Blood Pressure under some sort of control.

Light breakfast has been had and I am now on water only until 11 and nothing after that until after the operation. My MP3 player is charged up and ready to go but I'm not packed yet - I will do that in a minute or two once Mrs. F. and L go off to work and school. I then have the place to myself and can sort myself out accordingly.

As I often say to myself, it will all be over this time tomorrow. I hope that is the case. More importantly, it is whether there are any recurrences and if there are, what grade and stage they are at and what to do about them. If things are clear, that will be good. I feel pretty good although I have sympathetic pains in and around by bladder and the back of my hand - strange sensations both.

I feel pretty good - albeit I know I'm a bit stressed. I'll see how a bit of exercise and a shower and shave make me feel. Hopefully that will burn away some of the hours.

And so to bed

Well I will do once I've sorted myself out for tomorrow. I need to be up early for a light breakfast and then I can do some checking before taking myself off to the Hospital. I'm charging my MP3 player and have spare batteries for the other one. This time I am taking ordinary music - not particularly soothing classical like normal to see if I react any differently to some rock, progressive, pop and general music.

I didn't do any exercise this afternoon - I really just couldn't be bothered and the golf was on and I spoke to my business partner around about 3 pm and realised that I wasn't concentrating on doing my work and I was going "into the zone". By that I mean going through my rituals and beginning to go into a shell like existence where I'm in myself - I'm sort of safe there and lost in my own little world that protects me from myself and builds up this shield when I have to go to the Hospital. The roller coaster will start tomorrow and I have little or no control over where it stops and how things will work out. Ideally I'd like for it all to be over in 5 minutes and then to be home in an hour after going in but that isn't going to happen.

Experience has told me the best thing to do is to just let it roll and go with the flow, it will happen in its own good time and it is no use getting all het up about it, what will be will be and that's all there is to it.

What they find will be what they find and I can't do anything about that either and so it isn't worth the worry and when I think about the past I begin to realise that this is the way of it from now on. I am being well looked after and monitored closely - I'm young and so they want to make sure. That sounds a bit callous but I think that is what I read between the lines.

I hope that I'll manage to get some sleep tonight just in case I am kept in overnight tomorrow again. I hate that - really hate it and so I will hope to "challenge" my Consultant to get me out on the same day like last time. If I have any wish at all it would be that - there is nothing worse than trying to sleep in a busy Hospital ward!

I had to laugh a minute ago though when I saw Steve K's Blog - he and I are having a friendly weight loss competition - what made me laugh was the thought that maybe I was only going in for biopsies to lose more weight. It only hurts when I laugh - or will do for two or three days anyway. Well at least that brought a smile to my otherwise serious face this evening - thanks Steve :-)

Well I had better be off and get my bag packed ready for tomorrow.

Here it comes

It is difficult to describe the feeling to you. it is a heavy feeling, clawing and at the same time it also has a distinct taste to it and it is stress and a bit of fear all rolled into one. It has just gripped me and the reason is that in about 24 hours I'll be wheeled down to theatre for another set of biopsies and whilst I'm uncertain of the outcome - I do know what to expect throughout the day.

It is strange this feeling, breathing is a little more laboured and suddenly no real interest in or ability to do much in the way of work. It is just as if a switch has been thrown and I just feel down although in reality I keep my upbeat thoughts - my body refuses to be as cheerful as I think it should be.

Oh well - here we go again, much as before I just have to get myself into the zone and go with the flow. It is going to happen at their speed not mine and I just need to remember that I'm not in control tomorrow, much as I'd like to be. It is however Friday so maybe they'll push things through a bit quicker so they can get home.

Exercise - the upside

I guess you have to grasp on to anything if you have to do exercise. So here's my upside. My blood pressure is way down and still going down which is just great - so there's the upside. I also do feel much better and a lot fitter plus my weight is coming down gradually which is great too.

Breaking the habit of regular exercise in the next week because of my operation will be hard I think but perhaps I can do some light walking so as not to disturb the scabs that will be in my bladder. We will see I guess.