Much better frame of mind

I feel a lot better but have noticed that I am pretty tired and not sleeping properly yet again. I always seem to have problems at this time of year. I'm guessing I ought to get really stcuk into some exercise and some sort of routine and work starts tomorrow to reset my office and get myself back into some serious working.

It is amazing how small thing annoy me too - I was under impressed with an acquaintance of mine who thought it was amusing to mess up their answers on our survey - I wouldn't mind but I'd rather them have said I'm not doing it than to get all abusive about it? I have no idea what that proves other than they were probably drinking when they did it or have some other motive - luckily the delete button is easy for me to use....

I haven't seen you for a few years David but I have to say

You look so well. My goodness, you did look ill when I last saw you, so grey and so drawn." Well this was true as it was in the January meeting of our Lodge when I was really ill - 2 years ago now - our 75th Anniversary meeting where I took a leading role and where I gave the history of the Lodge despite being really ill - perhaps the worst I have ever been in my life - because I had a double ear infection and hadn't long come out of Hospital and was just horribly ill. I remember the whole thing and how sick I felt. Oh dear - I was bad....

I had a terrible time in Hospital not long before, had an Op cancelled, had a terrible set of experiences and my GP was horrified at how bad I was before I went to see him (well I didn't think I was that ill). Bless him, this guy said to me how completely different I looked and to sort of add to this I was told I looked in my late 40s by a couple of the girls earlier on and I don't think they were after "brownie points" or anything. That made me feel good - you don't mind them knocking 8 years off your age after all :-)

So I chatted to this guy and he said how great it was to see me and how I wasn't "grey" or "drawn" and how I looked so much better. I could have kissed him because you may not realise what a lift this sort of conversation has for me. I Look back at photos I have of me when I was really ill and I do look drawn, grey and old and near to death (truth be known). Now I have a good complexion, rosy cheeked, and all the other good stuff. I could do with more hair (couldn't we all) and I could be a little fitter than I am - I still look a bit over inflated and carry a little too much weight though!

Anyway - I was so pleased to get a compliment like that and it just boosts your ego. We had a great evening and a fun time - long may that continue.

What is going on?

As a 30 year plus IT person - I still cannot believe the latest issues I've had with my PC and with those that forced me to go to a new operating system but don't allow me to use the software I bought off them? However, you may recall that I've been having network problems, so much so that this new PC would never connect to the local network at all and so all the shared drives (backup) and printers and scanners were unable to be used so I had to email my other PC or transfer files so that I could print them off.

I have no idea what has happened but for the past 3 days the computer has regularly connected to the network and I can use its full capabilities at last? I haven't altered anything that I know of it has just all suddenly clicked into place. Perhaps an update has come in - who knows - it works and that is brilliant.

Roll on when we can get Doddle to market and this sort of nonsense can be a thing of that past.

It's quite amazing how

A really promising conversation with a Corporate Finance house earlier today really lifted my spirits. I think my spider senses were on edge but I needn't have worried because most of the questions I had and assumptions I'd made were there or thereabouts and so I was pleased that common sense and working through our processes seem, once again, to paying dividends and after promising me 20 minutes we ended up at 45 minutes and it was great that this guy "got" what we were doing.

Suddenly things don't look so gloomy and I realise that the work we have done will stand up to scrutiny and we are thinking along the right lines. Even the £Ms of capital I was talking about didn't phase the conversation - amazing.

So I am happy about that and we will soon be getting on full bore at this. I can see next week taking on a much better temper than this one. I doesn't take much to get me fired up and back on track - today I feel so much better about things.

The mind is indeed a strange thing....

Spirits Lifting a bit

Gradually things are getting better and I'm feeling better - the car is back which relieves travelling pressures. A meeting with my business partner and a slow start to the year and a gradual ramp up may be helping. I think it may have been a good move to jump in and get immersed in work but in reality we need to think and plan a bit.

A is off to NY for 7 days flying out on the 20th. My Nephew is out there and so his mum and A will go out there to meet him. An opportunity not to be missed although I bet it is cold there this time of year.

I have a Lodge meeting tomorrow and that will cheer me up as I'll meet a bunch of friends too. It's been just one of those weeks and I wasn't at all surprised to hear that my business partner is similarly having sleep pattern difficulties as well. We had just a little too long to think about things over the Christmas break.

At least each day is a gradual improvement and a better frame of mind.

The annoying thing about this is that before Cancer (BC) I was never like this, I was always very optimistic and nearly always up. Cancer affects you in many ways, it kind of humbles you but it plants many seeds of doubt in you too. I know many people don't get this bit at all and carry on completely as normal but in my case, it has undermined my confidence and heightened phobias and other worries that were well managed or hidden before.

Flocky Bicep to the Rescue

I had coffee with young Flocky earlier today (it still is today) and that was really good for lifting my spirits. I've been down of late and heaven knows it is good to meet up with others who have had or have experienced something similar. You don't actually need to say a lot to those kindred spirits because you know that they know and they know that you know, if you know what I mean?

My business partner is similarly good for me as he has experienced Cancer first hand and we were both diagnosed and treated within days of each other. That is a common and amazingly powerful bond that almost goes unspoken but this blog is full of his and my experiences with the Black Dog. The Black Dog, for the uninitiated, is the dark gloom of depression and the black dog lurks on the outer fringes of your sight and conciousness. It is always there but sometimes it is a long way away and other days it terrorises you.

Tonight I went to the Jazz night and got mini panic attack. I stripped off down to my tee shirt from my huge warm jacket, scarf, gloves, hat and so on and was still boiling hot. Thankfully I psoke to some people who were also hot and they opened a window to get some fresh air in but I was massively uncomfortable. So much so I nearly rang Flocky to warn him that I was feeling queasy about Saturday's meeting of the Lodge if we had to dine in the smaller dining room when we actually had great numbers. I was feeling panicky just thinking about it and even writing about it too.

I am not sure why this is so but I can see that one of my big problems to overcome is this issue with claustrophobia. I have a friend who will come and hypnotise me to sort this out. He has managed to stop me smoking and to give me enough confidence to go to Hospital on my own and even have blood tests and other stuff that I never ever thought I'd be able to. Perhaps we can work on this. I do suffer if it is too hot though and I also have problems going to bed sometimes.

I feel that at the moment I am going through another period of change and so many things are happening to me (and just to me in my little world) that it destabilises my day-to-day existence. I cannot understand why I am doubting myself or all the things I stand for. I cannot get to the bottom of why I "need" the approval of people and worry what people think about me. I think this is just what a few weeks off and an introverted view has done. I doubt myself and my professionalism, I doubt how "good" I think or believe I am. I tear down my self confidence and spite myself for no other reasons than to inflict mental self harm. None of this is goodness although some of it stops me being a conceited bulldozer I suppose?

I feel on the borders of sanity and yet know that I am in overall control. This isn't the edge of darkness or the abyss, this isn't the descent into alcoholism and self destruction, it isn't physical nor is it overtly the actions of someone who will transcend the line. I feel I am someone who doesn't quite understand where they are now, a sort of netherworld area (like Neo in Matirx 3 - stuck in between worlds) where all options are open and I can stare into each and like or despise what I see. Where alcohol could be an answer (bit I know it isn't), where running away is an option (but it isn't) and where I, as an INTJ, get to do what I do every decade or so and that is to go into a complete meltdown and destruct then reconstruct myself. A view here kind of sums up the issues I have "INTJs spend a lot of time inside their own minds, and may have little interest in the other people's thoughts or feelings. Unless their Feeling side is developed, they may have problems giving other people the level of intimacy that is needed. Unless their Sensing side is developed, they may have a tendency to ignore details which are necessary for implementing their ideas."

And

"When under a great deal of stress, the INTJ may become obsessed with mindless repetitive, Sensate activities, such as over-drinking. They may also tend to become absorbed with minutia and details that they would not normally consider important to their overall goal. INTJs need to remember to express themselves sufficiently, so as to avoid difficulties with people misunderstandings. In the absence of properly developing their communication abilities, they may become abrupt and short with people, and isolationists."

I have become very insular - I don't express myself very well except in business situations and I do not express myself very well - although I probably get somewhere with this blog.

Anyway - Flocky came to the rescue and I know that I do have a number of people whom I can rely on to put me on the right track. I just cannot believe how emotionally unstable and insular I've become and how phobias are once again encroaching on me.

I like to think that in business I am right up there and really on top of my game. Unfortunately, as a private person I just seem to be a bit of a wet blanket and a bit of a wimp at the moment. I'm sure it is all connected to what I have been through.

I like the statement "The INTJ's interest in dealing with the world is to make decisions, express judgements, and put everything that they encounter into an understandable and rational system. Consequently, they are quick to express judgements. Often they have very evolved intuitions, and are convinced that they are right about things. Unless they complement their intuitive understanding with a well-developed ability to express their insights, they may find themselves frequently misunderstood. In these cases, INTJs tend to blame misunderstandings on the limitations of the other party, rather than on their own difficulty in expressing themselves. This tendency may cause the INTJ to dismiss others input too quickly, and to become generally arrogant and elitist." because it kind of explains why I am like I am. I know I am like this and I realise that if you don't get it as fast as I do, often enough, then you are probably too stupid to work with me!! :-) No - honestly - if you can't keep up you don't stay in my team.

It isn't a great personality trait and I know I am like it but I have always had to be a leader or take a leading role and you have to be a bit like this to do it. Don't get me wrong, I think I do really well considering what I've been given to work with. I just find it a cruel thing that I don't have the ability to express or explain myself very well and that means that I come across in the wrong way to many people. The nightmare is that it hurts me so much when I realise that I've messed up or misunderstood a situation because I can't read it - I don't do emotions, I do logic - now I know how Spock felt.

Enough for tonight!

Sleep Deprivation

I am still at it, 12:30 and still firing away and still not quite ready to go to bed. I need to be tired as I just lay awake with my mind going ninety to the dozen synapses firing off in all sorts of directions. I just got the bill for the car which has been away for all of Christmas and they found the ECU had got water in it, plus the 70,000 / 7 year service and I'm not going to see much change out of £1,650 so that wasn't the best start to the year. At least I get the car back tomorrow. Mrs. F. Wasn't pleased at all with that but then she runs a brand spanking new Peugeot that hasn't had its first service yet!

So with that hefty bill to start my year off I hope that the car no longer needs too much repair work in the next year or two certainly it wont need this massive service it has just had. It would have been an impact if I had of been working let alone with me not earning - well not earning much.

I think I will have some money to come in later this month though as I need to do some upgrading of a wiki web site.

I realise that the most conversation I had was about the car tonight! Not a lot else was said.

I was offered to go to New York this month as my nephew is over there for 3 weeks. Typically I have no time in January to do that. A may go if she can get a flight and a Visa sorted which will be good for her. I've only ever set foot on US soil once in Seattle and that to walk from a coach to a ferry back over to Canada :-)

Oh well there you go - one day I shall make it. If all goes well maybe in the next year or two we will need to wander over state-side. I hope she can make a flight and get visa and all that sorted. Amusingly we have adverts inviting us to California and Florida and yet visas have gone from free to $14 - all sorts of tax hikes have also just hit and so it is probably more expensive than ever to find a flight etc.

Maybe?

Could it be that I just don't have anyone to talk to that makes me down at around this time of year? I spoke at length to my business partner today for the first time since Christmas Eve and I felt one hell of a lot better afterwards. It then dawned on me that in terms of "company" and peer conversations I really only had the briefest of conversations on Christmas Day with my brother in law's girlfriend and my nephew who I would put being on the same wavelength and interest levels as me.

The waste of oxygen is fine if you can talk cycling all day long which I can't. The Kids maintain their own council in their own rooms most of the time and Mrs. F. is always busy doing something busy to occupy herself. It kind of makes sense that I've basically been shut away for 2 weeks with little stimulus and certainly no one to have any sort of intelligent discussions with as I very much doubt anyone else is in the least bit interested in the great world around them.

I sure feel a lot better now than I have these past days so getting back to doing something interesting will at least get my mind off any other thing that may be holding me back.

Its interesting too as he was also feeling a bit down. I don't put it all down to this I expect that both of us are fully aware of the mountain we have to climb to get our ideas to market and we just spent a little too much time thinking about it instead of doing it!

At least I am not as down as I was - it looked terribly black yesterday, today feels a lot better.

Can't say things are any brighter

I feel very strange at the moment and I'm not sure what it is that is doing this but it is pretty unnerving and not at all pleasant.

I feel a lack of confidence and a general dark malaise again and the Black Dog is somewhere abouts close but not breathing down my neck. It is a most unsettling feeling as I cannot easily work out what is wrong or why I feel like I do. I have an inkling of what it might be but I don't want to go there and see if that is true. I'm not sure I want to face up to something that I think is there and - in truth - I'm not willing to discuss it here on the blog at the moment.

It isn't about my health I know that. I am happy that I am well and whilst I know that I need to get back into some sort of routine after Christmas and the excesses of that (we all deserve a break) it isn't that either. It isn't my physical health although things could be better but, as an article in the Telegraph on Saturday pointed out, we aren't meant to last as long as we are lasting and certainly not to 100 as they would have us now believe that up to 10% of the younger people these days will!

No it is not physical health at all it is mental and it worries me a bit as I really shouldn't be worried about much should I? I've got my health back and I feel much better than I have for years. There's just something chipping away in the back of my mind; some paranoia thats altering my perception of things. It's as if I've been marginalised and put to one side, as if I've come out of a long time in the shadows and emerged to a half life where things revolve around me but I'm not directly involved. I'm not engaged with the activities and everyone just gets on and does their own thing without reference to me at all. It's as if life is happening all around me and I'm not there. As if I were dead and a ghost and looking in on it like some spirit voyeur.

It's the most bizarre feeling and quite disturbing, like being sent to Coventry or some such thing. Where it is quite acceptable to take an action and not tell me it is taking place or for me to find that I'm in the house on my own and everyone has gone out to shop or those sorts of occurrences. It could be me not hearing someone saying they were going to do something I suppose. I'm finding this wider afield too that no one takes the time to respond to you even in the most urgent of communications. Is it that no one gives a flying F*** these days? I've written to people asking for an urgent response only to get a nothing back in return. I've gone out of my way to communicate something someone has desperately wanted and they haven't even bothered with a thank you.

Perhaps it's me? Let's see if a night's sleep improves the situation any better?

Worrying Signs

I'm a bit worried about my state of mind again - I'm finding sleeping bad again and I'm having my mini panic attacks especially when going to bed which makes me stay up later until I'm so tired I can't keep my eyes open much longer then I'm forced to go to bed.

I'm also getting recall anxious about things and I'm not absolutely certain why that should be. Work starts again tomorrow although I've been doing a little bit of pottering around getting people to complete the survey for me. That's been difficult in a way as some people just can't concentrate for more than a few questions and so I'm a bit worried that the figures will be skewed but I suppose we can look at individual questions and analyse them.

Maybe I'm worried about work - the difficult bit is coming up or maybe it is something else. I'm sure that the different sort of Christmas we have just had (its over as Mrs. F. Packed up the tree and everything this morning) the kids being off all over the place and potentially not being around that much may also be giving me food for thought. Whatever it is I wish it would go away and let me think about something else. Maybe it is just 2011 being laid out before me. Who knows - I just don't need all this head stuff right now.

New Year's Eve

Here we are again. I went and had a look back to last year and that was funny - I thought that I had gone to get my blood test on Christmas Eve last year and yet the blog said it was New Year's Day? That was a bit strange as I was certain I had done Christmas Eve. Oh well - it just shows how your mind plays tricks on you.

I saw that I resolved to get healthier and lose some weight, so that happened. I'm about 15 stone 10 or 12 at the moment which is pretty good but I think that I ought to go for a lower weight in 2011. I need to get back exercising again too and to make some serious time to work and to rest.

So perhaps I'll list some resolutions:

1. Lose some more weight gradually
2. Get fitter and try to make exercise regular
3. Make time for work and rest and distinguish between them
4. Try and get a little bit better in terms of outlook (not as depressed as I get)
5. Enjoy life a bit more

I think they are achievable. I'd like 2011 to allow me to take the business, Doddle, a little bit further than it is at the moment. The survey is coming along nicely which we need to add some real weight to our business plans and I'm getting really enthusiastic about the New Year and the work we are going to be doing in January and February to finalise the business plans and start to find finance.

Happy New Year to you all.

No Silver Bullet

I remember reading the Mythical Man month by Fred Brooks and part of the re-read recently was No Silver Bullet. You can find a bit more data here and here.

The Silver Bullet - often seen wiping out Werewolves and Vampires is a simple straightforward solution which, of course in real life isn't always the case. In No Silver Bullet Brooks looks at why complexity is inherent in software development.

So what on earth am I talking about? Well I'm looking at the complexity of life and of your actions. You see it would be great to just pack everything in, move somewhere and go and start all over again - that would be great. Then you realise that you have roots, family, associations, friends, work and all sorts of complexity that invisibly hold you back. If you just upped sticks and did it yourself, you'd leave someone else with the mess you'd leave behind as there is a trail of loose ends and things left undone or part done.

I'd like to get a thumping great big broom and get rid of loads of stuff and clear my brain and my life out and just get going from a relatively clean sheet. It isn't going to happen but it would be nice to imagine that you could. New Year's Resolutions wouldn't come much bigger than changing your whole life I guess :-)

For now, I doubt that the gravity of my life will allow me to pack it all up and go do something different but it would be nice if it were possible.

Christmas

When most people have trouble one way or the other. Ask my friend who mans a telephone helpline for the Samaritans - this time of year is one where break down occur and things start to get troubled for many.

I can see that as I'm probably feeling a bit like that myself again. It happens every Christmas even before I got ill and I work my way through it - or appear to. Things are not always right and it was funny that today, Flocky Bicep called up and I suddenly realised that I no longer have the Secretary's job and actually in a perverse way I miss that because it kept me busy and allowed me to perhaps take out some of my boredom on it.

Then there is the very real changes going on in the household, the kids aren't kids any more and have their own social life and one drives and the other one soon will do. They are out a lot and there is a lot of adjusting that needs to happen basically because kids run your life and when you start to get it back again you need some time to rehabilitate. I've just sat up as they have been about 80 miles and back this evening and gone to a Ski Dome for snow boarding lessons - its a long trip around the major orbital motorway around London and they've just got in way past midnight but then they are 20 and 17 and so it isn't a problem - I very much doubt I was in until the early hours myself at their age.

I just think that things are a lot different this year and that Mrs. F. and I have to start adjusting to it. Unfortunately those adjustments aren't without their problems in that over the years many of the things I like she despises and - if the truth be know - I don't find talking about children and her work in the Nursery particularly interesting nor inspiring, heroic and wonderful thought that work maybe, I never understood the subtleties of 3 year olds psychology preferring to immerse myself in scientific and historical pursuits.

So tonight after trying to work out what to do as the kids are doing something for New Year (well they are having a party at our house) I was trying to suggest things to do and to get out of the way as who wants your parents around to spoil your party? We won't go to London for the New Year's Eve celebrations - whilst the trains run all night I just can't imagine myself in a crush of people to watch the fireworks for 10 - 15 minutes. Parties - well Mrs. F. doesn't "do" parties or people particularly well so that's not on the menu either. I doubt she'd like the pub and these days you have to pay and get a ticket to get into the pub on New Year's Eve. A restaurant might be on the cards (I can imagine not an expensive one though - Mrs. F. doesn't do expensive either).

I'd be happy to get away for a few days to a Hotel somewhere but not sure that will go down well either as she'd not want to leave the kids to fend for themselves. I reckon the UN ought to come in and mediate in the decision :-)

Oh well - I can see why other people, not just me, feel like this, I suppose it is a relief when they all clear off back to school, University and work and leave me home alone to press on with my stuff that some sort of equilibrium falls about the house.

That figures

Heard from a distant relative about her daughter and found out that she had breat cancer which I knew about but that the stress of that sometime afterwards had led to what we old peopl call a nervous breakdown. Having seen this sort of breakdown at first hand and, dare I say, been quite close myself (I'm sure), it would appear to me to be totally within context of having Cancer and carrying on family life and even a career whilst getting on with the business of having your treatment and having the arguments in you mind all the time about it.

Now, I'm not sure if you can get cancer and just treat it in your mind as something like a broken leg or serious illness? My experience says that you actually battle a lot of this out in your mind and that you seriously wonder about the future and you do a lot of inward looking stuff. I imagine some people are so busy or make themselves so busy that they don't think too much. Whatever it is, I think it is pretty important to know that not only are you weakened by having cancer physically you must also be weakened mentally although I also believe you draw an awful lot of strength and determination through it.

Hopefully she is on the mend but these things take ages - a friend's wife has been pretty down all year but came out before Christmas to an lunch and was in good form - where before she wasn't good at all. It takes a long time to repair body and soul when you get cancer and I just hope that she recovers quickly and gets on with things without putting herself under any more stress.

Well that was unexpected

Mr. Waste of Oxygen turned up and was almost a changed man - apparently retirement has done him well, he is less stressed and less obnoxious and was downright chatty and even amusing at times.

I'm staggered but pleased also as this guy has disrupted my Christmas for many years. At least he was bearable and even went as far to make some presents for us (he doesn't normally do presents). We decided this year not to embarrass him by not buying him anything. Now who looks red faced :-)

I've had quite a good Christmas so far and I managed to only offend a few people so I'm getting better at this.

And now for Christmas

In just a few hours I'll be up and getting things sorted out for another Christmas Day here. Unfortunately the waste of Oxygen man will be here and so I will be extremely busy elsewhere all the time until he falls asleep and can then meet the family. Not my side of the family, Mrs. F's side and I get on OK with them all except the one runt in the litter. You may perceive my disdain and non Christian feelings but at the end of the day he just disrupts the general feeling of proceedings. If he was a horse, we'd have to shoot him - nuff said.

I make a special effort at Christmas to get along with most people but this guy stretched my patience and my goodwill to the utter limit. I'd rather it not be a test and for him and my sister in law to "GET THE MESSAGE" that I'd rather not have this social misfit in the house at all. However, as he amuses everyone else I suppose I had better let him in. Never have I met someone with the airs and social graces of Gollum's father :-)

So - peace and goodwill to everyone but Mr. Waste of Oxygen - to you - all I want is for you to behave and don't give me back chat or be your unsocial, bigotted, ugly self. For once - turn up and enjoy the company and occasion and don't make everyone else feel like they want to murder you at the end of the meal. I take no prisoners and tell him the way it is in direct and non direct terminology - the irony being that neither he nor my sister in law get it at all - someone please bring me a cattle prod or tazer for Christmas - you KNOW I will make good use of it!

Merry Christmas to everyone and peace and good will to all men, except Mr. Waste of Oxygen. Have a good one!

Worked a Treat

Getting my blood done on Christmas Eve is great as I waited all of 3 minutes until my number was called and I was in and out in less than 5 minutes. That's excellent and even better than last year. I went and got some Chestnuts on the way home but declined the Cafe and Pub returning home to cook the Ham and just chill out with the family. The girls been quite funny this afternoon dressing up as nativity play cast members and photographs a plenty have been taken.

Mrs. F. and the girls have gone off to Church and will collect me on the way back and we go - as is tradition - to our friends house for a lively party start to the party season. It is all very special and all the children, who have grown up together, well hardly children I suppose, will be reunited and we will hear all about University life and what they have been up to since we last saw them.

I'm wearing sensible shoes this year and I am not going to fall over in the ice like I did last year!! That was a crazy episode.

Tomorrow everyone is over here and I can get to cook the Christmas Meal - maybe next year I'll do a bit more cooking - after all I'm pretty good at it - there just isn't much call for me to do it as everyone's lifestyle means they are rushing around all over the place.

Merry Christmas to you all. Let's wish for health and peace for the coming year.

Late again

I've decided to go get my blood test again on Christmas Eve - it worked out nicely last time with just a few minutes waiting and so I will do that again tomorrow coming back by way of the Cafe and the Pub. Then it is into Christmas Eve routine of cooking and glazing the gammon and then off to friends for the evening - this time I will not fall over!!!

I'm late because I worked all day today to get messages out for my survey for the new service, rallying people to the cause and then we watched a couple of films which was nice. Then Blade was on TV - and I have only ever seen the last 5 minutes of that so I watched it and then realised that finishing at 1:40 wasn't in my planning at all.

I'm fasting now until I get the blood test done so just water. The GP instructions don't tell you so I had to ring up. No apology or acknowledgement that they don't tell you of course. At least I'll get that out of the way for another year.

Looking Back

I see that this year, at last, I'm looking in better shape than I have for the previous 4 Christmas periods. For this will be my 5th Christmas since being diagnosed and that in itself is a massive milestone that - until I just checked, hadn't occurred to me. I looked back and each year is slightly better than the year before but what surprised me is how re-reading them I feel that I was "down" in each one and not the way I perceive myself to be.

I feel that I am up far more than down person. I really feel that I have been positive and yet when I read what I felt like last year and right back to 2006 I see that, in fact, I was actually quite low or my writing was quite low. I seem to be rattling on about lots of things that were getting and keeping me down and I guess, being ill, it does mean that you go through a lot of unpleasant stuff and I can remember that Christmas of a few years ago I was pretty ill and another I was trying to recover from BCG treatments and another I had my operation cancelled and I went back in again just before Christmas and so on. This year - I have had a clear in my recent scan, I'm up about the business, I feel confident and I am beginning to get back to the "me" of 5 years ago.

I said earlier this year (here) that cancer took away my self-confidence and made me lose my identity and doubt myself. I can't tell you what that is like unless you have experienced it for yourself. Worse than that - whether it is me or not - I feel that no one I know treats me the same since that date and whilst that may be surprising, it doesn't re-wind and everything resets itself to June 2006 - far from it. I still feel a little alienated from some of my friends and family - not in a seriously bad way but I'm just different and I couldn't tell if it is them or me that changed those relationships. don't get me wrong, some of these relationships have got closer, some more distant and in many ways I say I don't care but in truth I find the loss a little hurtful sometimes.

So - there's me starting off with how good it all is and yet it is still a depressing old post :-) Not meant to be, just reflecting on the changes and the differences. I am massively improved this year - confident - strong - brain working again and firing on 80 to 90% and almost back to my own comfort levels. Self confidence is being worked on - I am much better but the bouts of claustrophobia and emotional wobbles are still there - manageable (just) and I am beginning to cope with them although whether or not I could ever commute into and out of work in London everyday now is debatable, I hated it even when the trains were relatively uncrowded, the recent weather would have completely rattled me with huge delays, cramped conditions and broken down trains - no - glad I'm no longer doing that. Why on earth you'd put yourself through all of that I have no idea.

So what have I learnt looking back?

• Living is good
• Exercise sucks and still does but it helps keep you healthy
• Eating properly has advantages - look I lost a stone and a quarter already and still gradually losing weight - not for the next 2 weeks though!!
• People and good health are more important than loads of money and stress
• Worse things happen to other people
• Humanity is out there - it arrives unexpectedly and unannounced sometimes - that's nice
• People may treat you badly - it doesn't mean you have to go down to their level and join them (OK so occasionally I enjoy giving as good as I get)
• I have every right to express my opinion as do you - get over it
• The biggest rut you have to get out of is the rut YOU are in
• A one in a million chance still means there is a chance
• You meet the nicest people on the Internet and occasionally the nastiest
• If it itches - scratch it
• Friends - it's nice to have them - value them
• Jealousy, deceit and loathing destroy relationships
• Building a business is a lot of hard work and sweat and toil not some romantic journey where you don't participate but reflect in my hard work as if it was your idea (sorry I needed to get that out of my system).

So I'm sure there are plenty of other lessons and things I learnt too. I have made a decision that today is the last day that I am working and the remainder of the holiday period is mine to potter around and enjoy.

I think I'll come back to doing a review over the next week or so as I found it quite disturbing to read how I was over the past 4 Christmas periods. The first one was interesting as of course I was on treatment for CIS and hadn't quite realised how serious that was - thinking that perhaps the worst was behind me at that time - I know different now of course!

Reconnecting with some old friends

I hadn't realised quite how I'd disconnected myself from my old friends - whether consciously or not and it was nice to re-build those relationships and friendships especially now that I am feeling up to it. I think I can now begin to see and believe quite how ill I was these past years and where I thought I was doing a good job of keeping in touch and all the balls in the air - I didn't. I suppose I knew that when I took the job at the Charity - it was a very convenient bolt hole and I'm forever grateful for them for that. I hope they got good value out of me in the time I was there - I feel they did - but I'm biased.

I feel my confidence growing and my strength returning and my brain is getting back to what it used to be like. Things, of course, are not the same as they were before, far from it, they are better in many ways and I've learnt some home truths that I'm disappointed about but not surprised by. These are things about me and I've had to deal with finding out that I wasn't as universally liked as I thought I was before I had cancer. I mean it's no beauty parade with me anyway - that's why I used to run projects and manage things - someone has to do it and someone has to not be liked all the time. I'm slightly disappointed in myself in terms of quite how I behaved then. It is interesting that the new me is quite different although I feel that in order to do what I've got to next year I may just have to return to being Mr. Assertive and things may just have to be done to get to a resolution.

I'm reflecting on what happened to me this time last year as on the Christmas Eve last year I fell over on the ice causing wide spread panic amongst Mrs. F and the girls who thought I had broken something - I had - mainly my pride and composure :-) No new shiny leather shoes this year I can tell you. I had - if memory serves me rightly - only just come out of Hospital too which didn't help matters. At least this year that is right out of the way and I can relax into the holidays.

It has been good to reconnect and it has helped to have moved on a bit. I may go and look back at my blog and see what has happened these past 4 Christmas holidays and remind myself how far I have come. I've come a long, long way - I know this - it takes a period of stopping, reflection and looking back to realise sometimes just how far I've come.