Recovering from the shock

I guess that is what is happening this week. We knew some time ago that our business partners weren't pulling their weight and I blogged about that realising what the implications were going to be. In a way, nothing has changed but it is a bit like realising someone is going to die, and then they do. It is still a shock and it still matters and you feel it.

Well, that's what we are going through now, we knew it was coming, we understood what that would mean and now, we are here. There's nothing we can do about it, there's nothing that would have prevented it, there's no use crying about it but undeniably it affects everything.

The coming to terms with it is the main thing, I didn't expect that it would be easy but neither did I expect to feel quite as deflated about it as I am at the moment. I'm sure that it wont be for long - this week is just a peculiar week I think and once we get it out of our system, we can move on. It feels very strange that there are now just two of us where last week we were 4.

New Zealand

Well at least all the family are in one piece but damage again to property etc. They've had three large quakes in about 6 months and aftershocks all the time.

I can't say I have actually felt one but did wake up after a local one rumbled through. My parents and brother were discussing the Gainsborough earthquake of a short while ago here. They said it sounded like a train loudly rumbling past them.

At least everyone is safe and that is the good thing.

So yesterday I was speaking with a friend who runs a couple of businesses and he tells me that his 26 year old shop assistant whom he always did speak highly of has been diagnosed with a brain tumour that is inoperable. 26 years old - no age at all is it really. How sad. I have been feeling sad today. I think I'm sad that my dad preferred turning up his TV volume rather than talking to me. I feel sad that he doesn't get out and about more or do something although he did get out in the garden today so that's a better sign.

I'm also sad because tomorrow I'll be talking to my business partner and we will be discussing how we are going to take the business forward now that we have had it confirmed that the other 2 founders will not be taking the journey with us through no particular fault of their own they both have to go off and do other things. As it happens, we knew this some time ago and that's why we set up our business in the first place because they weren't going to be available. We did feel that we would have had more support but, once again, through their own reasons that hasn't happened either.

The result is that all of the work we've done has been mainly delivered by the two of us. The work we expected to get done. hasn't been and so we need to do that ourselves too now. So that just leaves us to work on a new strategy that takes us forward and we need to grow our team again which has been depleted by (in fact) 3 of the 6 main members. We've both known this to be so for some time as regular readers may recall I felt that there would be only 2 of us going forward and so whilst it is no great surprise that this has happened it is still sad and a little disappointing too.

It was nice yesterday to go a Lodge meeting and not hear my name mentioned in the report on the health of the members. A lot of people came up and spoke to me but it was nice to not be the centre of attention for once. Mind you, after 8 years in office, I found doing nothing was a little strange.

Ostracized

Ever felt like that? I feel like that. Not from friends or work. No, from family and it feels weird and upsetting. Mrs. F. picked me up tonight and I asked her to talk to the centre manager as we are trying to arrange L's 18th birthday party. It was if I had tipped acid over her when I asked her to discuss it. Me - I don't actually give a sh*t one way or the other but she is the one pushing for it and can't find anywhere. I find a venue willing to take us and she treats me like something she just trod on and hardly communicates with the manager. I'm feeling pretty pissed off I have to say having gone out of my way and, in a way, stuck my neck out for this to get almost brushed off and shown up in front of someone that I deal with quite a bit who is only, after all, doing a favour because it is me who asked. They wouldn't entertain anyone else doing it.

I almost went into "base speak" tonight as I felt like I was some sort of leper the way I was treated. I'm fuming and angry at the moment - at times like this I like the blog as it takes my anger and aggression not anyone or anything else. In fact this whole week has been one that has altered my way of thinking about almost everything.

Tonight I heard that a friend of mine now has Leukaemia after just having had his Bowel Cancer sorted. It isn't great news I'm afraid and I feel bad for him as we spoke a few weeks back about his troubles and I discussed some of the issues I had and we swapped notes like old pros but he isn't going to make it and I feel desperately sorry about that. Life isn't fair sometimes and he hasn't long retired and moved down to the coast and got himself established there. It makes me want to cry although I rarely do these days. I sort of fill up but manage to stop it there normally.

This is part of this journey or being a little bit strange and a little bit weird and a little unpredictable and lateral. Of knowing something that other non sufferers don't. Of venting like some mad man and of just getting utterly angry with everyone and everything.

I had a great evening and Mrs. F. turned up and completely ruined it for me.

In all this has been one of those weeks. In a way a monkey had been lifted off my shoulder. The two members of the team whom we were finding hadn't delivered much were about to get my comment that they hadn't delivered much and what did they think they were going to contribute in future. As luck would have it they have both independently come to that conclusion themselves and backed out of the venture. This has done a couple of things. We have suddenly had our belief that this would happen confirmed and it has left a hole in our business. SO we are now at half strength. The thing is we knew this moths ago and we made plans for it but actually hearing it today was a shock. A bit like when you are expecting someone to die and they do it is generally a lot bigger shock than you were expecting or building yourself up for.

That's how I feel right now. Shocked, upset and pretty damn annoyed. Loads of shit all week and for once it would have been nice to have had the slightest sympathy or acknowledgement of my situation. All I feel that has happened is that I've been made a laughing stock or just been treated without any respect - that hurts. I might get over this tonight but I fear that I will just turn in to Mr. Angry for a day or so until I work this anger out of my system.

Kind of OK

Well it was nice to get up to see my parents but I feel pretty flat afterwards. Their move to a smaller place has meant a lot of upheaval and change and I'm not sure that the change has done either of them a good turn. Dad looks a lot older than when I saw him last year and is more into his routines than ever.

He's OK in the morning but in the afternoon everything has to be "just so" done to a proscribed timetable and he gets fidgety if it isn't. We were obviously a huge disruption to the status quo and in some ways I got the distinct feeling that we weren't really wanted - and by that I mean - that we were disturbing his world and his way of doing things. I don't think he actually didn't want us there but I had to say I found it difficult competing with the TV all afternoon.

So in a way I was glad to go up and see them but also sad to see them too. I worry that I am sometimes similar to my dad but in many other ways I am a lot different to him and my family in many ways. I saw my kid brother - I probably haven't seen him for 18 months or more. He too is very different to me and they all live very different lives and are very different people.

Because my parents have moved into a tiny place now there was lots of things to fill my car up with when we came home and we have now gone through what we want to keep and the things we will give away. It feels very strange doing this as these things that meant something to them are now either in my house or going to the charity shop. That's the sort of thing that happens when you down size like that and probably adds to the levels of "depression" I felt when we were there. They've done the right thing in moving to a manageable house but of course the downside is the loss of possessions and loss of space - compared to the last place this feels claustrophobic and you can't get away to another room like you could in the last place so you are forced to be in the same room all the time and so that didn't help the situation.

I'm sort of glad that I have little attachment to things these days but I can see how the loss of familiar objects can be upsetting also the weather has meant that they are trapped indoors a lot.

It was nice to get away, even nicer to stay in a local B&B rather than in the same house - not sure I could have managed that this time.

Off for a few days

It feels strange dashing off and not taking the kids. They'll be OK here and A still has Uni and L is studying for her exams so it probably helps that we are out of the way.

I'm off out tonight and that suits me too as I can stop work in an about an hour and just relax up and not need to come back to this until I get back.

The B&B we are staying in isn't far from my parents and so that will mean we can pop our heads in and book in and then just walk or drive around the corner to see them, they don't have to "put up with us" either so we can leave at a reasonable hour and go have a drink at the pub rather than disturb their evening.

Who knows I might even see my kid brother whilst we are there. I probably haven't seen him for 18 months or so but then he's too busy making a living - of course - if he had an experience like mine then he'd probably look at that work / home relationship slightly differently but he does travel a hell of a long way to work too so that can't help.

I'm waiting to hear when I'm due in next to the Hospital, I imagine I should know in the next 3 weeks or so when that will be.

I also need to work on a change in habit - spring is coming along and I want to get back into doing some more exercise and moving away from my desk which I tend to sit at for 10 hours a day. At least it wont feel like the middle of the night when I'm doing that. All I need to do is get myself in the right frame of mind and just to follow my instincts and actually get up and walk away from the PC occasionally :-)

Rest up this week

Well after tomorrow I will. I was still working even though it was the weekend even though I said I wouldn't I still did but the difference was that I just re read loads of our original paperwork and that's got my gear into gear for what needs to be done in the next few weeks.

At least I'll have a few days off to see my folks and their new house. I've a feeling this is the 4th or maybe 5th move in the time I've lived in my house. I'm not nomadic I guess. We moved a lot when we were kids and teens.

It takes out most of my week but that's OK by me. I know that I need the break and I know that I should take it too. It's hard work, it needs to be done but a day or two off will refresh my head and let me get to it. It's not as if a few days will make that much difference.

Sometimes Stuff Just Happens

And it is as if I'm not there - it happens all around me and no one responds or talks to me they are embroiled in their own little world it as if I'm watching it unfold as a film goer or voyeur.

Ever seen the film the 6th Sense? Well if you have it made me wonder if I really was there or not?

Hopefully I am not like the main character in the 6th Sense though but you never know - it would explain some of the stuff that goes on around here :-)

Relax

I should do but I don't much these days. Crazy as it seems the workload is really heavy - when I do stop I collapse in a heap in the chair and fall asleep. I do too much and again I am sat at my computer on a Saturday just adding to my work. Of course one of the problems is that it is just the two of us now going forward. Any chance of getting any one else to do the hard work has gone as we are a country mile ahead of people in where we are, how the ideas have developed, how the costs hang together and how the business works and how it all will hang together. It's a shame really that we have been left on our own like this. It is totally without malice or anything else its just that they can't come on the journey with us. They have wives, families, mortgages and need to get out there and make some money regularly and to meet commitments.

Their somewhat romantic view of building a business is just that, a view that somehow a business will build itself that talking long enough about it will make it happen. The reality is in fact very different and the sheer amount of graft that has gone into the latest set of documents and financial plans is breathtaking in its complexity and effort. But it is all good stuff.

So more reason to get a break which is what I intend to do now.

Next week I am away for three days to see my parents which will give me every opportunity to stop, slow down and to just relax and take it easy. We are staying 5 or 10 minutes away in a country pub B&B which will be nice as we wont have to spend all out time at my parents. It could be just the break I need to get some energy back for the next stage.

I ought to do this more

Get out and go see some live music and enjoy myself and enjoy the company of people like me and just enjoy life and all that stuff. I got to shake hands with Colin Bluntstone tonight and say thanks you for such a great evening. Now you know I'm really bad in crowds but these were mainly people of my age who grew up with the same music and it was all just a great evening out and enjoying it and smiling at strangers and sharing the experiences (without hallucinogenic drugs) although beer helps.

Not sure what the lady next to me was on and as usual, I attract the loonies at dos like this :-) but we had a good jig and dance around and shared some memories and laughs before she disappeared off somewhere.

What a great night - I ought to do more of this sort of thing. Just lovely to get out and go out with a few friends and enjoy yourself without having to organise it or be one of the doers - just go along and relax.

I keep saying it - I don't do enough of this - about time I ate my own dog food and listened to my own advice.

PR or Fund - Raising Advice Sought

Not for me but for Jeanne over in the US. See the blog here.

Whilst I've been involved in PR and Fund-Raising this is in a club type environment where I have a captive audience and so I'm not exactly qualified but perhaps if you are you can assist in thinking of constructive ways to raise money. If you are in the US - even better as you'll know your local rules and what works well in the US.

Thanks for reading - hope you can help.

Well how strange is that

On the 4th February last year my mate called and we went out to see Colin Bluntstone as you can see in this blog. Last Thursday the same chap said would I like to go and see Colin Bluntstone as he was playing at the same place. I doubt that he would remember that it was ust over a year ago on a Thursday we saw him last time. Spookily enough I saw him on a whim when I worked down at Swindon.

Small world - I hope he is as good as he was last time we saw him - it was a good evening.

Tired again

Well another long day and a lot more work done and the slog of it make me very tired. It is just hard grind it out head work and so a full 8 hours worth of it makes you tired.

I'm off to bed early for once and hope that it will sort me out for tomorrow. I'm out tomorrow evening to a concert which will be nice. Colin Blunstone once again is playing locally so off to see the show better than last week and the week before with funerals - well I hope so :-)

Feeling good apart from this damn ticklish cough and the tiredness of course.

Worked myself to a standstill today

By 4:30 in the afternoon I was absolutely drained so sat down and watched a couple of DVDs and also had to dash off to friends to rescue their photos from their PC hard drive! Makes what I'm doing with the business more and more important I'm sure.

Niggling cough is driving me mad. Hope it will go away soon but for now little coughs all the time which is just plain annoying.

We are really bashing out the work at the moment and getting closer to our goal of getting investor ready. It takes time though and it takes a concerted effort hence I was so tired as I did 8 hours solid writing today and I really felt drained by then.

Feeling good though and concentrating on work is fine - the days seem to fly by and I'm sure one day I'll find that all the hard stuff is done and we can sit back and review it and say it was a good job done.

Goodness me

where did the weekend go to? I'm not posting as much as I used to but that should be a good sign as it means it isn't as important any more and I find myself so engrossed in what we are building that days are beginning to slip by and I'm not thinking Bladder Cancer as much as I used to. My preoccupation with it is waning and at last I am beginning to think that the light at the end of the tunnel isn't the light from an oncoming train but more likely the sunshine pouring in from the journey I've been on.

I'm hoping that things can just get better now and that whatever dark place I've been to can stay behind me and that the rest of my life can be brighter, more optimistic and more rewarding again. It's been a pretty hellish 4 1/2 years and it isn't quite over yet but things are moving in the right direction and that's a start.

I've now also come to terms with the reality of the "team" not actually quite being a team and leaving just a few of us to battle to the conclusion of our company setup and there's an inevitability about it. I wrote some time ago that I realised that we were on our own and then I dropped a note out to a few friends and got back an interesting message, it was this:

"You've been 'playing fair' to everyone. giving them the benefit of the doubt, giving them room to edge out of doing things, helping them through their family and work traumas and generally doing everything that you'd expect them to do to you". I guess because I'm like that, it is true, I have tried my hardest to accommodate everyone but, the rub is that they have been getting on with their own lives in that time, doing what they wanted to do and being fair to themselves and not to me. This really is how it is.

I'm off at a tangent for a moment so forgive me. I asked how I should celebrate my 5 years clear this July and got responses back but the ones that suddenly made sense were to thank my close friends (those who had been there for me) and then to go and do something for me. Finally, do something for yourself - to me, that said it all because, of course, I've hardly done anything for myself in all that time.

So back to the earlier piece. I've been fair to everyone, I've used up my patience and I've been let down so how to react. Well, not in a vengeful or spiteful way - not at all. I'm just going to drop the communication now, expect nothing - which is what I normally get - and carry on regardless. Together with my business partner, we've made all the sacrifices and together, we will take our ideas forward. The team will have no further major input as they've not earnt it and they've not done anything for it either. They actually know this but haven't got the balls to own up to it.

That's why things are different today, I've got rid of that monkey on my shoulder and can move on business wise now and I know that I've freed my head up knowing that they aren't treating me with the same levels of respect that I've been treating them with. After all, they have jobs and other things to attend to and are getting on with their own lives - time - frankly - that I did the same and got on with mine.

It hurts me because of the way I am but I just need to remind myself of those words "But are these people being fair to you?" The answer is always no so there should be no guilt. I'm working on it :-)

The Hollow Man

That's how I feel today. Yesterday was a lot better than I thought it would be and the funeral was a Humanist one which was interesting, lots of words and his favourite music. Lots of fond memories and it was a bit sad and a bit funny too. They had dug out some of his old movies and he made comedy sketches which meant that we were laughing and enjoying seeing him again.

It was such a shame that he died in the way he did but sometimes better to go and none of us ever have to see the person we treasured getting old, frail, ill etc? Here was how we remembered him. a tear of sadness in one eye and a tear of joy in the other. Lovely memories of growing up and him being there.

So - hollow man? I'm exhausted from these two funerals and the draining effect they've had on me.

On Wednesday I heard an interesting explanation about why post cancer survivors have this "energy" problem - it's probably written down somewhere or who knows it could be a joint theory of ours :-) What we discussed was that whilst we are being treated, especially immunotherapy or Radio or Chemo we are in a heightened state - somewhat like the level of combat troops and that's why Post Cancer Fatigue is likened to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You have the fright or flight response and your adrenaline is pumping along with other essential responses. Imagine if you will holding the fear and fright inside you and it is probably true that you don't let too many (if any) people know just what terrors are running around in your head. Playing with the will it work or won't it? Will I live? Will I die horribly? What am I going to tell the kids? And all of that going on is bound to eat away at you. That keeps you in a heightened state, that uses your reserves. When you need them - you haven't got as much (if any) as you had before and it takes time to rebuild and restock. So when you are already running on empty you run out of steam very quickly.

It may sound like a load of old tosh of course :-) However I tend to think it is near the truth because of the drained feeling I get after these sorts of stressful things. In addition, going to funerals brings back sharp memories of what lies in wait for us all eventually but in my case and I'm sure other cancer survivors - it brings things sharply back into focus about just how lucky I was and what living means.

Out to Canterbury

To see a very nice man who shares the cancer experience with myself and my business partner. They both had Prostate Cancer so in the same sort of area and many of the tales were the same. Interesting that he is a good few years ahead of us but had a horrible time with the ups and downs of it all. I can agree on that but I didn't get the sort of downs he did. Dark and horrible as mine were his were far worse, far , far worse.

Anyway, it was lovely to get to see him and have a coffee and long chat. He is mentor to A for her photography and it was a real privilege to see his studio. There aren't that many film photographers around these days - everything is Digital. He makes sure A can have access whenever she wants it and he is very good on advice and assistance too.

Well- better get off to bed or I'll have another rubbish night. Had the most awful night and disturbed dreams. Hope to get some better rest but now I have this silly cough which is driving me mad, I hope that goes too overnight.

My Friend's Father

My friend's fathers were lovely people. One was taken from us as I was diagnosed in July 2006 and I was unable to attend his funeral - I was probably not helping the situation being so ill at the same time! Dennis, whose obituary is here was one of those father figures who treated me like an adult and spoke to me without being condescending and has always been interested in me, my family and my progress. At 81 ( a year younger than my dad) he was taken from us far too early when he still had years of mind and body to give to us all.

It is so sad that he has been called away so early because he was still organising things and actively involved in clubs and organisations right up to the end.

I wonder if we are meant to remember people this way, at their best, doing what they do, still in many ways at their prime and generally as I remember him.

It's a bit of an omen that of all my very close friends, my dad is the last one left of them all. Eddie, Dennis and Tom all having moved on this past 5 years.

I suppose it is getting to that time in life when I should expect this sort of thing. Anyway - loads of people are expected on Thursday - I've primed them that if it is sardine packed I won't be able to stay in the chapel but I kind of hope that it is reasonably filled and not stacked so that we can have a good ceremony.

Tomorrow - I'm off to Canterbury to see A's mentor but unfortunately L is too ill to attend her interview having picked up some horrible bug. She has had to reschedule but I still think I ought to go down and meet him - having organised this from before Christmas. It's been 2 years since I last saw him and he is such a nice man and has been a great mentor to my daughter A in her quest to become a photographer. He regularly gives her free run of his studio and lab for her to work in and he will not let me pay for it. I intend to get even tomorrow and at least buy him lunch... :-)

Comments

Please note that I like comments on my blog, additions to my knowledge and useful links but anything that appears to me to be an advert will be taken down, like the last two comments were. Don't do it.

Can you help?

I've posted this before and I wondered whether you can help a patient in the US. The Story is here and here. Good things are happening with treatment but transport costs are mounting up and the available cash is low. If you can assist it will help.

Thanks

Sore Throat

I knew I'd caught something on Friday when we went out I was struggling with a sore throat and on Saturday I'd made sure I was using throat tablets to stop me coughing and wheezing. It all came out on Sunday morning and so I was sat in my chair sleeping mainly.

I'm a lot better today but have a husky voice and dry cough to contend with. Hopefully all will be better tomorrow - it hasn't stopped me working today but is just a nuisance. I haven't had a cold for some while so it is quite an inconvenience - you forget so quickly.

Other than that I'm plodding away at my research work and trying to sort out this week's work load and telephone calls together with visits out and about. It is going to be another sad week with my friend's dad's funeral on Thursday - I hope that I don't get a cold off of them like I got from the last one.