Strange Day

So I wake at 04:30 and cannot get back to sleep - my mind is racing and eventually I give in at 5:00 and get up. I delay breakfast until 6:30 but I am wide awake and not in a "good place". Not a good place because of the meeting on Wednesday. Have I been wasting my time? Did I just spend a year of my life going nowhere?

Well - no I didn't. Not at all. But the seed of doubt was sown and I'm not strong enough (still - though I used to be) to quash this. However, my partner and I are convinced that the due diligence we have done is good - perhaps we aren't communicating it properly.

Tonight we get a chance to let our hair down a bit and have an evening of food, wine, good fun, a few beers and that's just great as it relieves the pressure and I get a weekend to reflect.

My business partner is very generous and drives us to and from the event and we partake of a few beverages :-)

The day is an up and down one - we hit every emotion and every high and low - but we still come out on top.

Next week is not great for me - but perhaps - I just ought to reflect that it could be worse, a lot worse :-)

FOCC one week in

Well - I've stuck to the morning ritual of grinding flax seeds, mixing Flax Oil and Cottage Cheese and as time has gone on, I've added a little milk and then put that onto some breakfast cereal and that seems to work extremely well. The slightly bitter taste of the mixture compliments the cereal.

My blood pressure is all over the place - I'm not absolutely certain what is going on. I've decided that I need to keep my eye on this as I am due into see the GP on Tuesday and the then have my Pre-Assessment on Wednesday. I may resort to exercising in the morning rather than the evening. In the evening, when I exercise my blood pressure is lower by some margin.

I'm feeling fine, I certainly feel that my skin is warmer to the touch and I feel quite well in myself. I have no idea if anything else has changed in the past week but I'm going to keep on with this regime, it isn't strenuous and with the exercise and diet - I can begin to feel the benefits. Unfortunately there is a large evening meal coming up tomorrow - but after that - perhaps I can have a few months without the big meals and drinks.

After yesterday's meeting, my colleague and I are left feeling a little flat and a little deflated. In a way, it is because we got a "different story" this time from one of our advisers - different to what he told us some time ago. The trouble is we were working on that advice and now it has changed. It was a strange day and we just need a bit of time to regroup and take stock. It is always difficult when we want to do something "right" but there is a "quick and dirty" way that you might be forced to go in to cut corners to get to the same place. If we do that, we know we have to then change the business later to put it back the way it should be which makes you wonder why you'd do that :-)

Interestingly one of the comments was that we may need to move to the US to get funding? Hmmmmm. Anyway - it has knocked us sideways a bit but we just need to dust ourselves off and review where we go next.

Phew - Mum said there's be days like this

Strewth. That was hard going and justifiably so. We had our first review of our finances today and got royally torn apart - good job in a way as we deserved to and knew that was going to happen. The reason is simple, we have been working, just the 2 of us, flat out for close to a year now on this opportunity. Some say we are too detailed, some not detailed enough and everyone's an expert in this sort of stuff. Today though was a real test of the work we have done so far.

It's kind of scary as we were taking it all quite well and then something turned up we weren't expecting which has thrown us a bit - not in a bad way but the desired effect is that we need to stop for a short while, consider what we have just heard and then go back to the drawing board and alter a couple of our plans. It isn't as drastic as it sounds because we have structured everything to be able to be altered. It just means that we will probably add another month onto our workload.

It's at times like this that you realise just how out on a limb we are. I'm off to the Jazz Night tonight so can let that wash over me and return refreshed tomorrow.

Another Lesson Learnt

Don't exercise to AC/DC :-)

I almost got my record distance of 7.4kM today fell short at 7.3kM which is 4.54 Miles in 30 minutes - not bad for an overweight fat over middle aged guy!

It certainly gives you some Ooommmpphhh that's for certain. I feel that Brahms Lullaby might be better for me next time :-)

Now though - has it helped my Blood Pressure which was off the scale this morning?

Well after 5 minutes after exercise it is down to 132 over 94 with a pulse of 121.
After 10 Minutes 136 over 89 and pulse 112

I think my pulse is a bit high but there you go - I've just worked out for30 minutes at close to 9 miles an hour so I suppose that's not too bad for me.

That was bizarre

I just measured my BP and got an almost off the scale reading - the wrong way - like 170 over 110!! What was all that about? Will monitor that as if it is like that next Wednesday the GP will go apoplectic. It's really low after exercise so perhaps something to read into it there.

I also note that I am back to the weight I was last year before I lost loads! How annoying. Working at home and a sedentary lifestyle are to blame! At least I know what to do and how to do it. I do find it difficult to stop working and go and exercise - you somehow feel you are cheating taking time for yourself and yet - I actually work for myself so there's a silliness if ever there was one.

I've turned the living room back from being a Cinema and back to its proper use. Mrs. F. and A are due home later today. I watched Matrix III - not the best of the 3 films but it finished off the viewing from the night before and Saving Private Ryan which is a pretty good film and one that explains a little about the brutality and randomness of the whole thing. It will shortly be the anniversary of that day 67 years ago.

I'm still on the FOCC and today followed yesterday's pattern of making the mixture a bit more runny, putting it on top of some breakfast cereal and then putting the ground flax seeds on top of that with some dried blueberries and that makes an acceptable start to the day.

Now that's what home alone is all about

Silly I know but I repositioned myself into the centre of my living room and properly adjusted the 5.1 surround sound system and then watched Ronin and followed that up with Matrix II. Both have fab car chases in them and the sound really makes a big difference when set up properly. I have to compromise a bit when the family are here as the speakers go in the corner of the room.

So - how is it going? Alright - I am very happy in my own company and had a day of sport F1 Monaco, the PGA Golf and then my films and I opened a nice bottle of chilled white wine. Excellent.

I am continuing with the FOCC mixture - I made it a little more runny today - slightly by accident - and then - as it looked so loose - added it to some cereal which seemed to work quite well.

I'm feeling OK and I'm hoping that another couple of weeks of this and dieting will see me start to lose weight gradually again. Of course this is interspersed with a visit to the Doctors and then two visits to the Hospital. I hope they don't carve me up like they did last time.

Quiet Tonight

I just watched Kingdom of Heaven - I quite like that and was terribly worried that the DVD had been wrecked but it appears to have been a fault with the TV as when I set it up to check tonight it worked fine. At last, with a quiet house the full 5.1 DTS surround system comes into it's own - there's always background noise in the house normally so it is a treat to listen more closely to the film.

I've continued the FOCC this morning and intend to do this as a regular breakfast - it seems to fill me up nicely for the day too. Tomorrow I need to be up early to collect L and bring her back here then she goes off to stay at her boyfriend's place in Cambridge for the week. Mrs. F. and A went off early and were at the Eden Project (described as Awesome by Photographer A). She should know. Some of her other work is being displayed in the shop in Orpington and it looks as if she will be able to have the whole of the 1st floor area for her own exhibition over the summer. If that happens I will hope to get involved and make sure we give her a good chance of success. Her intern-ship may well help her to further develop her style and it appears to me that she is heading into the Fine Art field with her work but - let's see. I'm always amazed by the way she (artistic people) view the world. She can frame a photograph of something you and I would look at in a totally different way and bring out something hidden or unnoticed. Clever - I enjoy clever people and the way their minds work.

I'm feeling good - I didn't get to do any exercise today as I was running L around. Maybe I'll do some in the morning or perhaps tonight before bed?

The diet took a bit of a knock tonight as I made far too much pasta for my seafood pasta meal it could have fed two - I did manfully work my way through it but I probably should have throw it away - but I hate to see anything wasted. Mrs. F. kindly got me enough Cottage Cheese to last until the middle of the week so I'm OK about getting my FOCC regularly. I'm aiming for everyday if at all possible.

The stuff you don't know

So I get to the funeral and it's rammed inside the church a good turnout from the Lodge and many other institutions. I'm always amazed at the things you don't know about people. It's terribly British - and it may be true elsewhere too - but you never mention what you did in the war - it's just not done old chap :-)

So the Vicar is reading out about our friend's life and when he was a very young man - about 19 years old he was in the Royal Navy and at that tender age was in D-Day+1 and Captained/Piloted a landing craft - under fire, taking people to and from and he navigated all the way over there too. He lost some comrades too.

We - who have known him (some for 50 years) only knew he was a midshipman - we thought in the Royal Navy Voluntary Reserve. You just never know do you, you just never know and these heroes never say anything at all!

It was a lovely service and I got to see his widow and hand over my Eulogy to John - I always find myself lost for words, someone says thanks for coming - so what is your reply? I wanted to? It went as well as it could I suppose.

We then had the wake and ended up in a pub with one of the guys I have a "little trouble with" and we had a very good conversation - he has plenty of troubles at the moment and we discussed those and we discussed - as you do - death and eventually we get around to my condition and we have a good talk about my attitude and why I'm so different these days. He goes off and I am having a beer when our old next door neighbour's son says hello. I ask after his parents and he tells me that his Dad died at the beginning of the year. I'd seen his dad at the Urology Clinic getting checked out at the flow centre - to do with Prostate. However, he didn't actually have that problem he had Kidney Cancer and pretty aggressive too, it had metastasised and was close to his heart and then he got a brain tumour which they sorted but he died earlier in the year just after his 70th birthday. He felt that was significant. His mum was devastated of course. I asked that he convey our sympathy to his mum and the rest of the family. I think I only saw him about 18 months ago but hadn't seen him around the local pub for a while - now I know why.

So I got a lift home from L which was good - she drives OK and so I wasn't feeling worried. Got home and was in two minds whether to go away for a couple of days down to Cornwall or not. I've decided after much deliberation not to go - if I had I would have needed to drive a fair amount and I really do need to get some rest as I have been burning up time and getting very little proper sleep this past week or so. I also want to get ready to sort out the business stuff as we appear to have got a sprint on. Invariably though, I get some "me" time this weekend and bank holiday Monday so I can spend at least a day and a half just in my own company doing what I want to do. I'd like to go and have a holiday but it's a long way and I'm not sure I'd actually rest.

Funeral

Well - it's never good to go to a funeral but we had a good one - if there can be such a thing. I was pleased to take my friend out and buy the beers and have a heart to heart with him today. He, of all the people I know has been sh*t on many times and just makes the best of it. We haven't been seeing eye to eye recently and so today was a good opportunity to resolve that and bury the hatchet which we did I am pleased to say.

The upshot was that I bought the beers all afternoon and that was by design - I'd already told him he wasn't buying anything as he can't afford it. Finally he acceded to my desire. We go back a long way and as at funerals and such things we talked in some (alcohol induced) depth and that was good - we are old friends and needed to clear the air. He doesn't "get me" and sometimes I don't "get him". We understand each other now.

I then bumped into the son of my old next door neighbours who had tragic news - when I asked how his Mum and Dad were he told me that his Dad had died - the last time I had seen him was at the Urology Clinic about 3 or maybe 4 years ago - he was doing the usual Prostate Flow check but his son told me that it was in fact Kidney Cancer that had metastasised that actually caused the problems and that aged just 70 he died of complications from Kidney cancer etc. How bizarre that we had talked about this before my friend had to go home.

I got a lift home from 2nd Daughter L - who picked me up and she drives really well - I was most impressed. Good for her.

Second Day

Well this FOCC - see Steve's explanation for details, is easy enough to follow and I used slightly less quantities to yesterday - a little less than the 6 tablespoons, I used 6 soup spoons which are about 2/3rd of the quantity. It is still quite a bowl full. I added a little milk this time and a little honey which just took the edge off the taste which isn't unpleasant but I guess is more unusual. It reminds me of very thick Muesli I suppose except a lot creamier consistency.

It is encouraging to note that my skin feels warm and soft to the touch and as I said yesterday it feels very much like after I had given up smoking when suddenly you notice these things. It is markedly different but let's not get carried away shall we? It doesn't suit my scientific brain to do that.

I am impressed with the way the Flax Seed Oil disappears into the Cottage Cheese - that's pretty impressive and Steve wisely suggests that you don't do this with motor oil :-)

I have a funeral to go to at midday - one of the Lodge members and I suppose I've known him now for 30 years. In fact when I first met him he was my age! He has had a terrible past 9 years with a fall followed by a stroke, aorta repair and lately stomach cancer. It is terribly sad how the last years of his life were like that. I hope that there will be a good number up at the church for him - I'm sure there will be. I need to get a Taxi there as there are no cars left on the drive - I suppose I could get the push bike out - that would be a laugh. No on second thoughts, I'll get a taxi - I would walk but the lanes are narrow, unsighted and quite dangerous and I'd have to walk the long way which is at least 3 miles if not 4.

I'm quite upbeat about FOCC although it obviously needs to become part of my overall diet and routine. It certainly appears to work for many other people and I just hope that it adds a little something to the overall strategy of looking after myself properly, exercising and doing the best I can to halt / prevent / keep at bay cancer and assist the medical team that way. Even if it is just making you think about or stick to that regime it is a good thing.

Absent Minded

Or maybe distracted a bit - it could be I because if just thinking things through. A Funeral tomorrow - I ought to go - it's as difficult as you like to get there but I think I may get a taxi there, attend the funeral and then wander across the road from the Church to a rather nice pub I know and have a few leisurely beers in a lovely Kent country pub. I can get a taxi back or call on one of the girls to pick me up when they've finished whatever they are doing.

I've been pretty good on my diet this week and with the rest of the family disappearing for the Whitsun weekend - I'll be home alone and so can make sure that I just have stuff off of my own list. They tend to occasionally cook me things I don't want and I tend to try and prepare my food myself so that I get enough but not too much.

Next week is a big for the business as our Financial Man will come on over and we will get a view from him about how near we are to being ready to go to Venture Capitalists for funding. We know there are a few areas that need tightening up and completing and we need to get some wok sorted for the next phase too. What's apparent is that those who have seen the work we have put in are mighty impressed. Let's hope, for our sake they are right and we have a real business here and that we aren't barking mad!

I need to get my concentration back as soon as possible so that I can focus on the business tasks and not get so easily distracted. Hopefully I can work out whatever is in my head this weekend and move on from there.

Let's Not Get Carried Away Shall We?

I took my first lot of FOCC this morning and it was OK. I have to say that I've felt my fingers and hands being a little warmer today as if the blood flow had improved and strangely enough my skin feels good too. I haven't felt like this since I gave up smoking - goodness knows how long ago and after two or three weeks the same sorts of sensations - better taste, skin was smooth to the touch. But hey, I could be reading too much into it and it could be a placebo effect or I'm looking for some sort of change.

I did my exercises tonight they were as difficult as usual - no change there but there was when I measured my Blood Pressure. Now when I'm a stone or two lighter than I am now - my blood pressure does come down a bit but tonight's results were a bit strange. So strange that I checked them twice more. I measured 115 over 80 which is amazing considering that I expect to be 130 to 140 over 90 to 95 after exercise.

So once again I could say that FOCC has helped but I'm going to have to go and make sure by continuing to check this out. My goodness if it were to get to around 110 over 80 that would be great - I'd be pleased with that. My GP sees me in a few weeks and it would be good to show improvements in BP.

I did a little read up and it does appear that FOCC, due to the oil, thins the blood so I guess that may be the answer. It recommends that Aspirin isn't taken at the same time (in one place) and guess what I take :-) Will have to see what the GP says in June.

For now though, this is encouraging but not convincing :-)

FOCC

My first go at Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese appears to have been a success. The recipe is easy to follow and the oil disappears into the cheese rather amazingly and the ground flax seeds certainly give it a flavour all of its own. The oil is slightly strange tasting on its own and not at all like the Linseed Oil that we condition Cricket Bats with or use in painting. It is much lighter. I keep that and the seeds in the fridge to give them a longer life span.

The mixture when complete, and I had to add a teaspoon of honey to flavour it a tiny bit sweeter, is much like cold porridge I guess. Anyway, it wasn't too bad and was unusual - I will wait and see what assistance it may provide me with in the future.

Right here goes

The stuff arrived today - Mrs. F. has turned her nose up at what I've got Flax Seed Oil and Flax Seeds sat in the fridge for. I've explained that it was the advice I got yet the seeds say cool and dry place - so I need to sort that out and check my source.

The cottage cheese is ready, the hand blender, mill and I got lots of different sorts of dried fruits to put in the FOCC mixture. Tomorrow morning I'll be giving that a go and making up a small quantity and see how I get on.

The hope is that by changing my diet I'll be giving myself a slightly better chance of keeping old Mr. Bladder Cancer away and also assisting me in my new diet and exercise campaign. A bit of creative use and I can make it part of everyday living.

I was wiped out today with a heavy work day and so I gave exercise a miss tonight and will go back to it tomorrow.

A week on

And I'm still kind of OK about things. I'm waiting for my stuff to come which includes a load of dietary food including the Flax Seed Oil and Flax Seeds. That will allow me to get onto my proposed new diet in the next couple of days. I'm already on that but last night Mrs. F. fed me up with a load of bits that she saw that I wasn't amused by. Sausages = lovely home made ones but even so - my face must have told a story :-) Anyway - I ate them and just said that I'd sort myself out for food as I'm happy to prepare it and stick to my diet.

Getting back to regular exercise has made me feel quite good and I was also pleased to see that my Blood Pressure is at a reasonable level after sessions. I am hoping that I will get back to it being habitual if at all possible. It is so easy to fall out of this habit.

I say I'm kind of OK because there is a part of me that is a little annoyed, a little disappointed and a little down about the recurrence (if that is what it is). I suppose that's to be expected really it isn't where I thought I'd be. It isn't in my plans and much as I was ready to take a bit of bad news - deep down inside you wish for something different.

I do believe that the truth is that this is all manageable and that I can move on from here. A bit of a knock, a bit of a wobble but I'll just have to live with it and move on. I don't want anything to distract me from building our business as well and I want to be there to move that forward. It's still just out of reach but later today we hope to move things on a fair way towards tying down some of the last bits of detail and then we can finalise the last actions. Typically I'll need to be in Hospital at a critical time but I'm sure that I can think of ways to work around that. I sure hope that they just do a few minor biopsies on me not do what they did to me last time causing me three days in Hospital and beating me up so badly that all the good work I had done in terms of weight, exercise and diet were set back.

Well that was interesting

I've started to cut right back on my food intake and don't feel too bad about that - a few pangs of hunger but some fruit sorted that out. I should be on the FOCC come Friday and I've gotten back to doing my exercises on the machine rather thank just walking.

I'm even going to try turning in a little earlier each night and see if that also gets me into these changes. Had a nice chat with a friend who phoned up to see how I was. Not absolutely certain I deserve the accolades about how cheerful I am and how I'm a good example and sort of "fight" this. It's interesting isn't it that from my point of view - I'm making the best of what I've got but I do have a PMA Positive Mental Attitude (most of the time - I falter a lot!). People see it as more than that and in a way if I give the assurance that Cancer isn't a death sentence then perhaps people who may have this later will remember the attitude and spirit.

That was quick

Dates for pre-assessment and operation are in:

8th June for pre-assessment and 20th June for the Operation.

Welcome back to the Roller Coaster.

However, I am planning to make some changes to my lifestyle once again this time I am going to follow a protocol that I was planning to last year. Steve Kelley sums it all up in this informative blog post HERE.

I intend to start this later this week when I get a new grinder and flax seeds and flax seed oil. I too am going to aim to have this for breakfast every day and I am also going to get back into regular exercise not the irregular exercise I have had these past 6 months. It is the end of the Masonic season and so I only have a few meals to go to in the next two months so I can stick to a diet and also ensure that I manage this over the summer period.

I can also get back to salads too.

The addition of FOCC into my diet will, I hope, in combination with a more stirct diet and exercise routine, ensure that I become fitter and give myself more chances to combat whatever else is coming down the line...

A good evening

It was nice to meet everyone yesterday and to be able to deliver a Eulogy for one of the past members of the Lodge. I hadn't realised that it was going to be quite so long but then again he had been at the heart of the Lodge and one of the "Fathers of the Lodge" so losing him was a final break with the earliest days of the foundation of the Lodge back in 1934.

Someone suggested that I send a copy to his widow and so I will sort that out today his funeral is on Friday not far from here. I will make sure I go to this one.

I find it quite interesting to spend more time reassuring people about my condition than I do thinking too much about it myself. It's inconvenient for me to many others it's a frightening thing as they don't understand what it is that they've found and I suppose people fear the worst. Of course it is treatable and it is a tiny area - nothing like the tumour they hooked out the first time.

For me it will be a bit of a worry in terms of what the grade is and whether or not I can get home the same day and what they will then need to do. I don't know how long they'll go at it before it becomes more pragmatic to do something radical - but that's off there in the future. I intend to take some of my own action about this - I'm just undecided on what that should take the form of at the moment. It also comes at a time when I need to be actively sorting things out and at a high intensity in terms of the business - which although we are running about 3 months or more late is nearing the point at which we can go out looking for investors.

Whoa

Got the prescription - I didn't get around to calling the GP again - however they want me to come in urgently for Blood Pressure test and a review - well that's better than an blood test. I'll make an appointment in that case and go and see them next week - hopefully they'll have an agreeable appointment time for me to go in. Mind you the main thing is that they keep to time - I've waited up to 40 minutes and by then my BP is going through the roof. Should be fun I suppose. I hope I don't get the straight talking GP - I don't like him much. I've never really forgiven him for suggesting that I'd have a general anaesthetic to then have a local procedure and then going to the wire before they gave me some Prosac = which I only needed for the first scope. I also wasn't greatly impressed, as I'd have to wait a few weeks, to be told that it probably was cancer. Yea, I hope I don't get to see him.

Ohhh you look fine....

That's because I am fine! Strange conversations - surreal stuff - I spend more time telling people I'm all right and not to worry about me than I do worrying about myself. It is so strange - those who don't know fear the worst - they don't get how - in my case - it is just a matter of getting into Hospital and being run through the production line and spat out the other end with another anomaly found, cut out and sent to the lab.

It's not exactly the way I suppose I should describe it but frankly the Hospitals treat you like a lump of meat that is processed and there's little recognition sometimes that you are a human being or have real feelings. They bung you on the conveyor - you have no control over what happens to you. It's impersonal and not a great experience - I suppose it isn't supposed to be.

I'm absolutely sure that half the people I spoke to tonight thought I was going to die - if not there and then on the spot then horribly in the next few weeks! People are funny :-)