Oops - upset my brother

Come to look back on it, Mum was pretty matter of fact and told me what was going on and then said talk to my brother. So T has all the details and the nurse didn't know what stage (other than early) or much else really. We know there is no tumour and we know that at 80 going on 81 the full operation just isn't on the table for Quality of Life (QOL) reasons.

The next appointment is 31st August and so we hope to find out what will be on the table at that point in time. It's a long way off isn't it? They aren't exactly rushing and so that is a partly good sign I guess. However, as I said to my brother the problems are that, generally speaking, all the cancer patients I knew had a worse time during the treatment than they did from the cancer which, strangely enough, wasn't painful or even noticeable in my case. The treatment was the thing and then I realised that T wasn't really as with it as he made out.

Of course everyone is upset and I probably did my worrying 3 or 4 weeks back with a general lack of sleep and worry about my Dad. He's obviously upset and Mum and T need to come to terms with it. I already have and in a way I'm being very matter of fact about it because how else can you be? I suppose me saying to T that everyone has to die didn't help the conversation along too well now I come to reflect on it but he should know me by now. I've a healthy regard for being alive these days.

However, Pancreatic Cancer does command some attention with only 5% of those diagnosed making 5 years. That figure has been like that for years - it's a difficult one to tackle and so Dad's options are somewhat limited and the 31st will provide the answers. T invited me to go up for the day but I really don't want to do that - it probably isn't right that I do at that time and I'm not sure what, if any, value I'd be.

I'll get up and see them in a few weeks anyway as I am due to go up north and it will be a good opportunity to see them and to carry on to my cousin's birthday party.

So Dad's got Cancer

Not sure what sort of Cancer it actually is yet - they just gave the results and he has to go to the big Hospital an hour or so away to meet a team who will give him the low down and discuss what to do about it.

It is very early stage so that's pretty good and he has to see them in a week or two - which seems a long time to me. Dad didn't actually want to talk to me - not surprising after getting that news I imagine but he has told them he doesn't want major invasive surgery so they know that - he will have the stent replaced though and we just have to see what they come up with for him.

I'm waiting for my brother to call and have a chat later. I doubt he will be in a great frame of mind - he tends to take this stuff badly. I'm being pretty pragmatic about it as I tend to be and want to hear the results of tests and a bit more information to understand quite what he has and what the stage and grade are.

It's not great news of course - never is - the doctors will no doubt explain what it is all about. I'll hunt out my list of questions and see if he wants them. Not much more to say really at the moment.

Back Ache and Goodbye PC

I had a terrible back ache yesterday but managed to feel a lot better last night and into the morning but it's back with a vengeance probably as I was still dealing with the troublesome laptop. I've had to admit defeat - it's only the second PC I've ever had this sort of unsolvable problem on and I can only imagine it is something quite mysterious that doesn't appear on software testing. How anyone can sort this sort of thing out themselves is beyond me it was a mess and I worked about 20 or more hours on in it and completely rebuilt the machine! What a nightmare. So it kind of work to a fashion but even with a new operating system on it still crashes.

So I sat down tonight with a seriously bad back. Rewarded myself with a beer and a bacon sandwich! I know - but I can't do anything exercise wise so might as well.

Can't quite fathom out what is wrong with me though behind all of this. I think I'm worried about tomorrow and my Dad's diagnosis. More for the fact that he's talking all wrong. I heard a phrase tonight saying that "not wanting to die" wasn't the same as "wanting to live" - Dad's got a negative mindset and that's not a good thing to have. Of course, we don't know what that diagnosis will be, they didn't find any tumour and nothing looked wrong with his Pancreas but they took biopsies anyway. Well we will find out soon enough.

It is also A level results day tomorrow so the students will be getting those at 9 am. L will go and collect hers and let's hope she gets her results and can go to University. The accommodation is ready and all the paperwork is here. Other daughter, A, goes off to Edinburgh a little later in the morning and it all sort of kicks off.

To go back to me, I've been feeling quite emotional and strangely not right about things. I have moments of really emotional welling up that I can't work out what it is about - maybe it is Dad.

Also thoughts for a good friend of mine who is having some tests at the moment and another family member with a benign brain tumour. It's all happening.

Vibration Plates a Warning

Just a slight warning, I slightly overdid it yesterday on some of the twisting and bending and have managed to hurt my back again. I think this is also to do with sitting twisted trying to sort out a laptop which is positioned to my left meaning that I've been twisting to the left to attend to it and working at an angle. So a combination appears to have left me in a twinging wreck this morning :-(

The plate IS very powerful and will seek out any weaknesses and it was enough to give me a pretty painful tweak.

Why you should go to your Doctor

It was a strange chat I had with my Doctor - you see I hardly ever go to my doctor - I actually have to be ill and I have to have had a chance to get over it. So for around 30 years I really didn't go to the doctor as I wasn't really ill. My doctor told me that around 80% of the people they see are well, to put it bluntly, somewhat Hypochondriacs and that the see them a lot some every few weeks. Of course there are some who are ill ill.

Here's a damn good reason to go to the doctors HERE this is Chris Evans and his story is very typical of today's cancer stories and I like the way this is written. He's well known in the UK - not sure about elsewhere in the world but in a way this is the sort of story that makes people think and let's hope that he has saved a few lives with this particular story.

I'm reflecting on my father's choice of words about having treatment or an operation and saying he won't unless it isn't intrusive (the operation) - I have no idea what the specification is for treatment though. He finds out this Thursday and I hope that it is something he can cope with. I understand that treatment may be daunting but reading that article I'd also be aware of what not having treatment can do too.

My own treatment was challenging but I am sure that other treatments are far more challenging. I remember that I did put myself in a state of mind to receive them, that it was a positive step forward and that it was going to make me better. The side effects were not reflective of the efficacy of the effectiveness of the treatment (apparently) well you could have kidded me :-) Some of the reactions were bad and physically took a fair toll but I'm here and I lived to tell the tale. That's the result - if I hadn't of had the treatment or the operation - I'd be dead. That didn't fit my plans at all. No Sir, that wouldn't have done. I think myself quite a lucky guy really. I kind of wished I knew what I know now when I was in my late teens as perhaps I'd have not lived the life I did for many years. I didn't go the whole hog and do drugs or anything like that - neither was I a soak but I did enjoy a beer and a cigar and I worked like mad to build a certain lifestyle and it bloody near killed me!!!

Anyway - I find myself quite upset at the moment with my dad's status and his reaction to it. He just sounds negative and that's not what I expected really. The weekend with the family down for the party was also a bit of a hard time. They are great and turn up from afar and then ask where my mum and dad and my brother and his family are? I make excuses about not travelling well and all that, it's hard and I can see them looking slightly askew and wondering why that should be. I felt bad for not having been up to see my Dad but I'll arrange to pop in on the way to my cousin's birthday party next month which again they are not going to.

I'm not certain how all of that will go really. We don't really talk about me being ill. My mum and I talk a bit about it but I've tried not to overdo it and of course you can tell sometimes when you say too much or give away some of the "pain". In fact, it is strange that this blog has far more detail in it than even my close family know. I certainly wouldn't have made too much of a fuss but I know a couple of times after my BCG treatments they would have seen me not looking my best and some of the photos of me early on when I was ill look as if I've been photographed in black and white whilst everyone around me is in glorious technicolour.

In fact the one thing that I feel these days is sadness that I upset so many people around me through being ill. They must have also gone through some sort of worry about how ill I was. When I think of their feelings it really churns me up. I don't feel sorry for myself that much but I feel sorry for those whom I frightened with my illness. It seems a strange way of thinking but there you go.

Vibration Plate Progress

I used a higher setting today and it really racked up the exercise. It was just too much today and I was surprised how it shook me about. you could really feel the vibration tightening up my muscles especially the leg and hamstrings. My sides and back actually feel a little stiff and my arms fairly buzz after doing some press ups on the plate.

Dad has his appointment on Thursday afternoon - they say they want to discuss his treatment. Interesting times. He's told us that he isn't having any treatment but he doesn't even know what it is yet! Certainly, it will be interesting to find out what it is and what they are going to do about it. No use worrying about it now though.

This flaming computer I'm repairing has all but died, I'm having to do a completely new install to see if I can rescue the situation. Apparently they had a friend over who showed them how to download certain stuff which looks as if it has stuck some pretty nasty malware on it. When trying to get rid of it, it's killed off the malware checkers and virus checkers and wouldn't let them load and it has put in blocks as well. So I may not have been able to rescue anything by the looks of it - all their photos and stuff gone.... Sad.

Birthday Weekend

It's been a full on weekend and great fun for L as it was her 18th birthday and it has been a lovely celebration. She is quite a bubbly character and full of fun and laughter. She looked great in a "special" party dress. She can now legally drink and vote so tonight she went out with her older sister to the pub for a drink and the quiz night.

The trouble is that I was late to bed on Saturday morning and this morning too as friends came back to the house - then it was Sunday lunch with my Aunt, Cousin and her boyfriend who came down a long way - about 4 hours drive or so.

We are going up to see them in a month or so. This friend's laptop is still not working properly - it seems to be in a permanent death spiral loop of blue screens....

Diet restarts tomorrow as I've had the weekend off to have beer, party food and cake!

Oh Dear

I went to bed around 2:45 after working on the laptop and it still isn't fixed properly. It needs some serious work done on it. It isn't working properly at all and looks to be full of Malware :-(

So my daughter also decides that it is all so exciting that at 7:30 she wants the household up and about to open presents for her 18th - to say I have a thickish head is an understatement. The process of troubleshooting is a logical elimination of various obvious problems and taking those out after each investigation and ticking them off. Of course when it gets complex like this one - some logic goes out and a bit of intuition comes in followed by lateral thinking and just hit and hope if all else fails.

We have the party later on - I hope I stay awake long enough to enjoy that.

Still at it

Trying to repair someone's laptop - because I know a bit, I become the repair man something I hope our business, if we get finance, will make a thing of the past. The amount of time I've spent so far on this exceeds five hours now and at £60 an hour (that's what the help desk would charge you at a £1 a minute) it would be cheaper to get a new laptop! That's the reality these days.

If you haven't seen what we are hoping to do then you can look here. We intend to bring in a new era where you don't have to be a computer wizard to own a computer. In fact there won't even be a computer.

So spent hours doing this and found malware has screwed the computer and I'm trying to remove it and it is trying to stay on the PC. Grrrr.

L is back from her camping holiday in Cornwall and getting ready for her big day tomorrow - she is 18 bless her and a big party tomorrow evening at the local Golf Club will, we hope, be a nice way to celebrate. Let's hope that no ones gets silly...

The ouch affect

My friend's girlfriend's mother isn't well. They've managed to get her home from hospital and it will be for the last time and the children are sitting vigil and it's all pretty sad. These things are and I haven't experienced it myself but there's a certain bit of me that went through this realisation ust 3 or 4 weeks ago. Dad's experience is a reminder that this is where it is all heading and that somewhere along the line this will happen to us.

It's sad because my friend's daughter is due to get married in a few weeks and timing is not without it's irony.

I'm still reeling from Dad's illness and sudden recovery. It brought it home to me and it also made me quite angry in a way. As you may recollect - I was left to my own devices when I was ill, no one actually came to see me. It's been 5 years and a month. I have made the pilgrimage when I was fit enough and so sometimes, I do feel (whether justified or not) a little bit put out. I also found that no one turning up for my 50th birthday was a bit naughty too. Maybe I just don't get the hint :-)

There was I tonight worrying about not going up to see my dad or run them around, despite the fact my brother lives 5 minutes away (I live 2.5 Hours away roughly). And yet no one did that for me - do you see the problem? It may be me but I still feel guilty I didn't get in my car and go up and see them last week but it wouldn't have done any good anyway. I don't know - I'm confused.

Anyway it is L's 18th birthday this weekend and we are going to have a big party. She's going to be spoilt rotten and she will also be the centre of attention on Saturday evening as we have hired the local Golf Club for a party, food and disco. My relations will be there and would have travelled from beyond where my folks live. However, if they couldn't make my party, then there is little doubt that they'd have put themselves out for my daughter.

I'm not that bent out of shape about it but you'd have thought that once in a decade they could have made the effort?

I know that some of you will be worried about me - you have no need to worry - I'm not "that" put out about it, I do find that it sends out the wrong signals to my daughter and my wife though. we "laugh it off" but as you can imagine it would make you question the logic of it all.

Well it's time for bed and I'll probably think different in the morning. Of all the feelings I've had recently with Dad's illness and me - not being there - I have to reflect on how much they were there for me when I was ill. But I'm being unfair and unkind and your family are your family after all, no matter how bizarre they seem to act.

It takes time

Getting in shape and losing weight but I do like the encouraging signs. I was really thrilled with the FOCC (Flax Seed Oil and Cottage Cheese) or budwig diet (well part of it). I've only missed out once in - however long I've been doing it. I noticed straight away that my blood pressure had dropped, almost as if off a cliff. Yesterday's and today's readings were pretty low for me and 117 over 73 is really getting it where I want it.

As I said yesterday the vibration plate exercise plus the cross trainer seem to be the ideal mixture now. Where I used to do 30 minutes or so on the cross trainer followed by some dumbbell swinging and a few press ups, I now do 15 minutes on the Vibration Plate and 10 hectic minutes on the cross trainer. What I've noticed is that my circulation certainly feels to be better and since the FOCC and this exercise, my skin is smoother (I sound like some commercial now!).

I would like to drop another 1/2 stone but cannot see that happening for a while. Most of the stuff that's easy to come off has already and now it is just plodding away at this gradually - you mustn't lose weight too quickly - and see how a few more months will work out.

A week of Vibration Plate Exercise

Well - it is a funny sensation especially today as I wound the power right up to around 75% capacity and nearly shook my insides out :-) Wow is this thing powerful.

So - what's the week 1 verdict?

Well yes, it appears to work as my little love handles have disappeared already and I'm feeling firmed up on arms, legs, belly too. I've realised that I need to do both the vibration plate and the cross trainer. The reasons are:

Anaerobic Exercise - is exercise intense enough to trigger anaerobic metabolism. It is used by athletes in non-endurance sports to promote strength, speed and power and by body builders to build muscle mass. This is what the Vibration Plate system does.

Aerobic Exercise - is physical exercise of relatively low intensity and long duration, which depends primarily on the aerobic energy system. Aerobic means "with oxygen", and refers to the use of oxygen in the body's metabolic or energy-generating process. This is what the Cross Trainer gives me.

So what I've done in the past couple of days is a 15 minute vibration plate workout (no you can't just stand there and let it do the work for you) followed by a 10 minute session on the Cross Trainer with this exception, because it is 10 minutes and not 30 I go hell for leather and really get close to collapse at the 10 minute mark whereas I used to plod on with the longer routine. So what does this do? Well they say a 15 minute workout is close to 60 minutes worth on the Vibration Plate. You must warm up a little but it doesn't take long and then you need to vary the speeds and all the different positions which you do for no more than a minute each and believe me, sometimes it is difficult to do them for 30 seconds let alone a minute. I do a series of workouts that cover the whole body and tonight the high speed squats I did were agony, such was the intensity of the plate at around 75%.

I can tell you that I'm around 1/2 stone lighter and that my Blood pressure has dropped to below 120 over 80 - I recorded 117 over 73 earlier and I have to say that I'm feeling pretty good. I didn't do two days exercises in full as I was out and because I was only lightly testing out the Vibration plate on Monday and Tuesday last week.

So I think it looks like a good investment - it is strange that you don't actually sweat doing the exercises or get out of breath but you do feel your muscles working. the press ups on the plate and squats and planks are really amazing as you can feel everything working together. You sort of notice things the next morning - if that makes sense? I feel really fit in the mornings and as I've said I've noticed quite a bit of weight falling off mainly around my stomach but more especially at the sides rather than the front. It is a bit early to make any great statements about the Vibration Plate but I do actually enjoy doing that for 10 to 15 minutes - it's a bit of fun although watching your body flap about isn't all its cracked up to be :-) it's like jelly on a plate - wobble, wobble :-) But it is good fun and also only holding and doing exercises in short bursts and changing them lots of times is great. I can then get on the Cross Trainer, burn out 2.5 kM and then do some weights and I do a couple of minutes on very low on the Vibration Plate to just cool down.

Exercise Sucks

In a term coined by fellow Bladder Cancer survivor Steve Kelley which I fully concur with. Steve explains in his various blogs why that is but as he and I are both aware, we needed to be fit and exercise sets in motion lots of things to help you help yourself in the cancer battle. I've now got a Cross Trainer and a Vibration Plate and a small set of exercising dumbbells.

So in today's news was this article from the BBC headlined as "Exercise should be 'standard part of cancer care'" I've complained about this before but think that it is true, unless you specifically mention exercise, your doctor isn't necessarily going to tell you to do it. I mentioned that I was thinking of doing it and was only told to go easy around the times I had treatment and the various operations (TURBT & Biopsy Cystoscopies) as well as a day or so after the flexible cystoscopies which can make you bleed a bit too apparently.

It's part of Steve's and my recovery strategies and whilst we differ a bit I think we both see the benefit of exercising. If you are fit in body then you are likely to be able to help in your cancer fight and in our cases, keeping the cancer away for good.

I think the only caveat I had was when I was having the huge bouts of fatigue (which apparently exercise can help) when I found it difficult to actually get out of bed because it felt like my body was 2 or 3 times heavier and someone had fiddled with the gravity switch.

Anyway - whilst exercise sucks - it has enough benefits to actually make it part of your everyday activity.

I JUST NOTICED !!!! If you can see the video clip on the page - - >> This is my cousin's Pink Champagne Dragon boat crew and there's a shot of her early on doing the exercises with an oar. She had Breast Cancer and the whole team are cancer survivors... Way to go W!!!

Sunday Night

11 pm, sat at the PC, actually did a shed load of business work over the weekend. I did promise myself that I should take weekends off but I was on a roll and finished off a section that I was working on so that made things better.

I'm feeling a little relieved with my Dad's situation and that he is getting a little better but of course we wait to hear the verdict. I wasn't pleased to hear that he had already made up his mind not to have an operation (unless keyhole) or treatment - which did disturb me. I can see one side of the argument but of course I would being me and living through what I lived through wouldn't I?

So there we go, a week over and things are back to settled a bit now. I really want to work hard this week to see if I can break the back of the business plan elements and see how far we can get towards completion. It seems to take an age but the really good thing is that it allows us to consolidate all the work we've done in the past 3 years and - almost like cramming and taking an exam - it actually knits the whole of the journey together and makes it real and quite exciting. I can see my writing style has upped a notch in writing the plan because it really starts to become real and it also starts to make sense and become compelling.

Eventful Day

And it is 1:30 on Sunday morning and I'm sat at my PC wondering where time went and why I'm sat here. It's the usual story really - I tend to be both a lark and an owl when it comes to work and earlier today I thought I might as well do some work rather than sit around doing nothing. I then did some reading and now I can't get to sleep and as usual no one actually says goodnight in this house and I'd lost track of time.

It's been that sort of day - I sent my mum some flowers to cheer her up and I'll speak to her again tomorrow. Dad's lost a fair bit of weight and we are hoping that it is worry and whatever WAS wrong with him which may now not be wrong with him as they couldn't find anything. It's a bit strange if you ask me. I was disturbed by his attitude not to have anything done to him if is was diagnosed - "who wants to live for ever". I'm not certain that is exactly my thoughts on the matter but I'm not him of course. I think that it is the wrong attitude myself and that you should at least see what they say first before making that sort of statement - perhaps it's the denial bit we all go through. In fact the more I think of it the more plausible that is, that the Kubler Ross Grief cycle is kicking in.

I suppose we have to sit back and wait to hear what is going on - it is all most unusual and the great news is nothing there so is it something else, did they dislodge the offending lump or what? I guess we will know in a week or two.

Give you the Willies moment

You remember when you were a kid and went into the haunted house and your heart was thumping as if it would come out of your chest because you never were sure if there was something around the next door.

Well today I had that experience. My friend called up and couldn't raise his mum. So I went around to the house - the car was there and I couldn't see much through the back windows. I then knocked on one of the neighbours house just to check things out. She wasn't but we learnt that the car clutch wasn't working so hence it was parked a little strangely. They have a master key safe and after I'd done some more checks I got the keys and went in disabling the alarm system (My mate is a Policeman and thank goodness for mobile phones).

After getting in I was able to do a sweep of the house and so that was good - but every time I looked in a room I was dreading what I might see :-) Luckily it looks as if she went out and perhaps someone came and got her :-) Anyway - all is OK.

Well - that went better than expected I think

So Dad got taken down to theatre at around 1 (on the proper day!) and returned around 3 - totally forgot to take the normal precautions (once again) staggered around like a drunk thing. HELLO!!! General Anaesthetic Dad!!!!!! My kid brother was apoplectic about him being like a little kid and not remembering the experiences of last week post operative!!!

So - having got that far the surgeon / consultant comes out and say - well we couldn't find anything there - no lump, no tumour - nothing. Well - what could have happened? Apparently they could have dislodged something when they put the stent in last week so whatever they did -there is nothing there now! He decided that he ought to take biopsies of the Pancreas as he was there and so that's what he did. However he felt that there was nothing sinister there at all.

So I spoke to mum who, not surprisingly, has hardly any voice left, and said how pleased she must be - I think you can tell a lot as we are so close - I told her to go and just sit down with a cup of tea and take it easy - I can only half imagine what it has done to her but I could hear it in her voice. So I rang my Aunt on her behalf and that was OK and I'm much happier myself in perhaps getting away from what I strongly believed was my dad's diagnosis (you learn a lot about all cancers if you are interested when you have it BTW). I'm frankly amazed that they found nothing. He's lost weight this past few weeks and I was hoping that it was more to do with anxiety than disease. I do hope that from this point onwards that stops.

So it may not be Pancreatic Cancer - which was what I feared - but perhaps something else. We now have a week or so wait to see what it is. If it was just a minor blockage that they have fixed then that is great...

I'm relieved for dad and my mum and thankful to my kid brother for running them around.

Now it is wait and see.

AS they say in the UK

Should have gone to Specsavers!! got a note from my kid brother to say that they battled through the rain and got to the Hospital only to find that mum had read the wrong date/day and it is actually planned for tomorrow.

I'm not phoning the house - I imagine it is in uproar at the moment - I also doubt that me texting "Should have gone to Specsavers!" added anything to the embarrassment of the situation. If it were me I do think I'd have been seething but then again, it it was ME I'd have checked time, place, and all the details....

So now it's tomorrow - thanks goodness my brother can sort this all out as he is local.

Thursday and thoughts turn to Dad's Procedure

Well I know how he feels and can but sympathise with him. It's thrashing down with rain and so will be a thoroughly unpleasant day. He's going to Addenbrookes in Cambridge for this inside out scan and to have needle biopsies taken of this tumour (or whatever it is).

At least he is pretty cheerful and in a lot better condition than he was last week. I can only imagine how he must feel. Oh well nothing I can do sitting here worrying about it - I can't change the course of things so will just have to see what the results of the test are.

And thoughts turn to my dad

Who tomorrow will have to have his second endoscopy in 7 days. I feel for him but can't "take the hit for him". My mum often said to me, if she could take the medicine for me she would. I'm hoping that they find something that isn't what I think it might be. I guess 80 years of good health and never being in a Hospital is pretty good going really but I do feel for him as these places terrify him more than they used to terrify me. I think I said this in my earlier blogs some 4 years ago that I'd rather he never have to know what I'd been through knowing his dread of hospitals. However, the cards are dealt and he has to face up to what hand he has. It isn't nice and an endoscope isn't the greatest of things but last week they managed to do it without too much trouble apart from him not knowing what a general anaesthetic is capable of doing - he looked like Pinocchio without the strings to hold him up apparently! This time he knows what is going on and he has recovered suitably enough to bring his mind back to him (he was worried he was suffering from dementia some months back) and so I hope he realises this. My brother will be there with him tomorrow so I hope that it all goes well.

As usual - there's me doing a guilt trip as I'm not there to assist but as I said before - I don't recollect them ever coming down here and running me in and out of hospital or even visiting me at my death bed or at home!!! But that's OK I'll beat myself up about it - it must be something in my nature?

I think a lot about that because I'm off the opinion that parents are a back stop for when things go wrong - if your kid gets into some sort of trouble etc. I say this as both girls have their boyfriends staying here. I know because the toilet seat is up - that's a girl joke - they'll understand. As I have lived with a house full of women for 21 years - I KNOW MY PLACE and therefore, the toilet seat is always left down so when the boyfriends are here I sort of work it out from the angle of the toilet seat :-)

However, I digress. When I was my oldest daughter's age I had left home, I was working and earning pretty decent money, I was just about to embark on my career and I had a nice flat but I always knew, if I needed it, I had the bolt hole of my parents' place. I needed it once in between having to vacate my flat (which is no more than 2 minutes walk from where I live now) and buying my first property. My parents have always had my best interests at heart, keen that I didn't make the same mistakes (or as I prefer - learning opportunities) as they did. Whilst I may regret not going to University - it would have meant following a different path and not having the life that I have now which despite my constant whinging is in fact pretty damn good when compared with many who don't have the opportunities that I have had.

So back on track - all I was really trying to get to was my position with respect to A & L. They've got their whole lives ahead of them and University will provide them with adequate experiences for life. They can do what they want to do - and not what I may think is best for them and they can live the life they choose to live and I have no desire whatsoever to interfere or to get involved unless they want me to and ask me. I can give opinion and deliver experience and observation but I am a firm believer in allowing you to find out for yourself. I do however try and provide sufficient encyclopaedic knowledge where I can to allow them to come to (the right) a conclusion themselves....

I hope I'm doing the right thing, they are both a credit to us and so in that respect I cannot find anything that worries me about their current choices of course at University, their choice of boyfriends or their hard work in terms of their education. They both have jobs and they both pay their own way albeit we continue to provide a home etc whilst they are studying. If they go on holiday (as they both are) or do other activities they spend their own money doing it (I'm not saying that contributions cannot be forthcoming though).