The sort of thing that only I could think about as I walked back from my meeting earlier. Where is my next appointment for my flexible cystoscopy check? I'm sure it should have been in July although I had the CT Scan a little later (I can't remember when). I suppose if I've not heard soon I ought to chase that up. Not that it is the sort of thing you'd actually want to go and do regularly but needs must, I need them for the rest of my life but I suppose that it isn't so bad a thing that I'm being checked up like this and regularly so that, in case there is a recurrence, they can sort it out pronto.
I realise that I'm back into a bit of a low again. Not surprising I suppose after all the happenings of the past month or more. Life is sort of settled but I'm still not sure what I want to do with myself. The job I've gone for has all gone quiet. The thing I was doing at lunch time really needs some other people to do the hard bit - talking to people on the phone which I do find difficult in certain circumstances.
Jazz night tomorrow - first one for a while and a chance to wind down. I'll probably cheer up afterwards but I'm now recognising this pattern of feeling down more often than I have for a while. Maybe I need to get focussed and sort stuff out or hear about the job or anything. It's a bit disconcerting but I'm sure I'll work my way through it or out of it.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Lunch Meeting
Having a chat about the work I did for my friend's business. I did this before dad died so at least 6 weeks ago. It has all gone a bit quiet now but we need to pick up on the plans I wrote up and where to go from here. It is a bit difficult to quantify because there are other considerations for me. It isn't my sort of job - or at least part of it isn't.
It will be good to get out of the house and have a few hours thinking about work and where it can go from here. The trouble is that it isn't for me but the management and planning are so that's the interesting conundrum to unpick.
It would be nice to get a few £s into the business though but I'm not sure that it will be a life changing event :-)
It will be good to get out of the house and have a few hours thinking about work and where it can go from here. The trouble is that it isn't for me but the management and planning are so that's the interesting conundrum to unpick.
It would be nice to get a few £s into the business though but I'm not sure that it will be a life changing event :-)
Monday, July 30, 2012
Letting Go
Dad was very explicit about not wanting a gravestone, plaque or any other thing or memorial. He didn't want people coming to lay flowers on birthdays and anniversaries or having a marked spot. He just wanted us to get on with it, no sentimentality and for us to move on. That's fine by me, it is how I think (unsurprisingly) and of course, as you may have guessed I'm pretty much like him in many ways.
It always surprises me how people will go and sit for hours by a grave talking to someone who isn't there, celebrating birthdays many years afterwards. I suppose it is OK to mark them or think of them but find it a little disturbing to publish stuff in newspapers, stick a posting on Facebook etc. I'm one for getting on with my life and don't get it. It always seems a strange thing to do to me.
I'm not being disrespectful rather more that you probably need to get on with your own life. I understand that there is a process to go through and that it may never be completely healed but it shows a certain amount of insecurity surely that you wouldn't want to move on?
It always surprises me how people will go and sit for hours by a grave talking to someone who isn't there, celebrating birthdays many years afterwards. I suppose it is OK to mark them or think of them but find it a little disturbing to publish stuff in newspapers, stick a posting on Facebook etc. I'm one for getting on with my life and don't get it. It always seems a strange thing to do to me.
I'm not being disrespectful rather more that you probably need to get on with your own life. I understand that there is a process to go through and that it may never be completely healed but it shows a certain amount of insecurity surely that you wouldn't want to move on?
Motivation
It is pretty hard to get started this morning, I've opened up some accounts I need to sort out and they look as dry as sawdust. I will just have to work my way through it and tackle the drudgery of it all. I am normally OK about doing things but procrastination is a problem especially when I have time on my hands. When I'm pressured I find that I work a lot better as I make good use of my time. When I have time to fill I use Parkinson's Law, which sort of states that "Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion."
I'm itching to get under way with the bathroom an I'm waiting to hear if I have an interview. I'm trying with that to put it behind me in a way to suggest that it wont happen. Knowing my luck it will all kick off together. That would be Murphy's Law :-)
I'm itching to get under way with the bathroom an I'm waiting to hear if I have an interview. I'm trying with that to put it behind me in a way to suggest that it wont happen. Knowing my luck it will all kick off together. That would be Murphy's Law :-)
A Nice Sunday
Today was a good day and it was nice to just sort some bits out and then take a lazy afternoon of sport as there were some pretty heavy thunderstorms overhead. I've got almost everything I need to do the bathroom now apart from a start date from the Plumber. I have ordered just about everything needed to dismantle, make safe and install the new stuff.
I hope to hear, one way or the other, about the job this week. It would be nice to know whether there is a job or not. That will help me sort out the chores (or not) too. I've taken a neutral view this time about it. I'd like to get an opportunity for the job and it would be great but if it isn't there it will make me go and think about something else to do. Either way I'm cool about it.
I hope to hear, one way or the other, about the job this week. It would be nice to know whether there is a job or not. That will help me sort out the chores (or not) too. I've taken a neutral view this time about it. I'd like to get an opportunity for the job and it would be great but if it isn't there it will make me go and think about something else to do. Either way I'm cool about it.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Journalists are they the lowest form of life?
I've said it before but I do find this dumbed down reporting annoying. Of course an Athlete is going to be disappointed but please be nice to them and stop asking the bleeding obvious. How about letting the poor people actually get their breath before asking them why they didn't win a gold medal? How about a little sensitivity and asking them for their evaluation not telling them what, in your jaundiced, self-centred, win everything at an cost, childish and downright disrespectful attitude YOU thought was wrong. Mark Cavendish should have smashed one of these leeches on society in the face for the way they spoke to him and for the disrespect they showed. Most journalists only exercise is lifting a glass of Merlot to their lips, swallowing it and hoping their stomachs use enough calories digesting it to keep them active! Pratts the lot of them, there's not one who has earned the right to talk to the Athletes they way they do they should be ashamed of themselves but are too soak fuelled and full and too full of their own self importance to bring the games to life.
HELLO - it isn't about you, presenters, has beens, B class people of notoriety, journalists, you are there to link and present the greatest athletes in the world to the audience. It's about them and it will never be about you and your stupid, anal, attention seeking camera hogging.
So thought I'd start Sunday with a rant :-) Either I'm turning into someone slightly to the Right of Attila the Hun, or I'm speaking sense. Whatever it is, I find myself fuming at the inane standards that we have these days. There are so many things we do well in this country but this dumbing down and treating people disrespectfully has got to stop. One Journo, at midday on the first day was moaning that we hadn't got on the medal table yet? Another was slagging off the Cyclists who buried themselves on the race and the thing they don't get is that on the day, the best man won. It may not have been to your script but that's what happened and that's the way it is. Slagging the whole of Team GB off because we haven't got a medal yet is just disgusting and not in the spirit of the games and when sports people have been working for 4 years to get to this pinnacle of their chosen sport, how dare they belittle those achievements and that's just wrong. These Journos have been p1ss1ng it up down the pub and engorging their Livers but they haven't had to train for hours every day for four years (and more).
Yes - it makes me very annoyed indeed that they dismiss the efforts of our athletes, I don't suppose they'd like it if we picked holes in their grammar and choice of words, what they wear and how they look. It's fair game to them, they think it is OK to do it to other people. I believe an amoeba could do a better job.
HELLO - it isn't about you, presenters, has beens, B class people of notoriety, journalists, you are there to link and present the greatest athletes in the world to the audience. It's about them and it will never be about you and your stupid, anal, attention seeking camera hogging.
So thought I'd start Sunday with a rant :-) Either I'm turning into someone slightly to the Right of Attila the Hun, or I'm speaking sense. Whatever it is, I find myself fuming at the inane standards that we have these days. There are so many things we do well in this country but this dumbing down and treating people disrespectfully has got to stop. One Journo, at midday on the first day was moaning that we hadn't got on the medal table yet? Another was slagging off the Cyclists who buried themselves on the race and the thing they don't get is that on the day, the best man won. It may not have been to your script but that's what happened and that's the way it is. Slagging the whole of Team GB off because we haven't got a medal yet is just disgusting and not in the spirit of the games and when sports people have been working for 4 years to get to this pinnacle of their chosen sport, how dare they belittle those achievements and that's just wrong. These Journos have been p1ss1ng it up down the pub and engorging their Livers but they haven't had to train for hours every day for four years (and more).
Yes - it makes me very annoyed indeed that they dismiss the efforts of our athletes, I don't suppose they'd like it if we picked holes in their grammar and choice of words, what they wear and how they look. It's fair game to them, they think it is OK to do it to other people. I believe an amoeba could do a better job.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
What? Still Cynical?
Apart from one bit last night, a small little cock up and we are all allowed to make those, I thought the opening ceremony was amazing and a logistical tour de force. The small cock up would be a certain musician missing their cue and who perhaps should have retired a while ago but we all make mistakes. There are people whinging about it didn't show our history this, our culture that and so on. Can you believe that? They didn't ask them to put on the show and welcome the world they asked someone who is world recognised for doing it (with Oscars, BAFTAs to provie it) and what can possibly be wrong with what was done in the time available. Had comments from from too long (and in the same gasp not enough content) to moaning about speaking French and English (it's always been done - get used to it). Basically everyone of them are allowed to have their own opinion (of course) and I defend their right to it but it's about time these people did something else other than moan and bitch the whole time. Nothing will ever be right for them.
Funnily enough a guy who I know to be a strong supporter of the NHS (he was in it all his life) didn't like that tribute being paid to them - what an utter arse. It said something quite profound about us I thought and wasn't just about children bouncing aorund but there you go.
It was a very British affair and the James Bond moment must have drawn laughs all across the world. Mr. Bean's sketch was just right and who cannot have marvelled at turning our green and pleasant land into the Dark Satanic Mills. No, it was just about right and did some amazing moral boosting for this poor little country that's had the crap beaten out of it and all its savings spent by a cynical laissez faire bunch of downright dishonest, self serving politicians. Labour, Gordon Brown and Bliar lost me tens of thousands of pounds off my pensions and savings that I'm not getting back any time soon if ever and want to tell me its good for me. No, we've been punched and kicked to the ground by their total mismanagement but yesterday, we wiped off the blood from our wounds and showed what we can actually do. It's a shame that a certain cynical element of our populace didn't get that or didn't care about it. They like to think they are saving our country and yet they miss the irony that they are part of the reason we are where we are. I like to say my friend's phrase a lot. "The biggest rut you've got to get out of is the rut you're in." Some of these people who claim to be the true Brits are just right wing, self serving bully boys and whilst they go on about free speech and all don't really mean it.
We have 2 weeks to deliver a games that will inspire the world not just for our own prim satisfaction. With all the disquiet in the world, it would be nice to think that relationships can be forged, friendships garnered and that we might start to get somewhere through sport where diplomacy may have failed. Even if it is a small start it must be worth the hope that this might come about.
As for those sad citizens, men and women, who prize intolerance, bigotry, bile and selfishness as their particular "code of morality" may the games prove you utterly and wholly wrong and like every argument you've ever held in your inadequate lives, may it thrust another dagger of right into your poisoned bodies and minds.
Let's hope we have a good games and that we shop window what we are good at and those core moral tendencies we have especially fairness, integrity and honesty. Let us cheer on the athletes who triumph as loudly as we cheer those who come in last, dropping a tear of sympathy over their failures but celebrating with those who win too. It's about time we started to feel good about ourselves once again and cast off the cynical, sarcastic and downright nasty way we live together and treat each other. Let the games begin.
Funnily enough a guy who I know to be a strong supporter of the NHS (he was in it all his life) didn't like that tribute being paid to them - what an utter arse. It said something quite profound about us I thought and wasn't just about children bouncing aorund but there you go.
It was a very British affair and the James Bond moment must have drawn laughs all across the world. Mr. Bean's sketch was just right and who cannot have marvelled at turning our green and pleasant land into the Dark Satanic Mills. No, it was just about right and did some amazing moral boosting for this poor little country that's had the crap beaten out of it and all its savings spent by a cynical laissez faire bunch of downright dishonest, self serving politicians. Labour, Gordon Brown and Bliar lost me tens of thousands of pounds off my pensions and savings that I'm not getting back any time soon if ever and want to tell me its good for me. No, we've been punched and kicked to the ground by their total mismanagement but yesterday, we wiped off the blood from our wounds and showed what we can actually do. It's a shame that a certain cynical element of our populace didn't get that or didn't care about it. They like to think they are saving our country and yet they miss the irony that they are part of the reason we are where we are. I like to say my friend's phrase a lot. "The biggest rut you've got to get out of is the rut you're in." Some of these people who claim to be the true Brits are just right wing, self serving bully boys and whilst they go on about free speech and all don't really mean it.
We have 2 weeks to deliver a games that will inspire the world not just for our own prim satisfaction. With all the disquiet in the world, it would be nice to think that relationships can be forged, friendships garnered and that we might start to get somewhere through sport where diplomacy may have failed. Even if it is a small start it must be worth the hope that this might come about.
As for those sad citizens, men and women, who prize intolerance, bigotry, bile and selfishness as their particular "code of morality" may the games prove you utterly and wholly wrong and like every argument you've ever held in your inadequate lives, may it thrust another dagger of right into your poisoned bodies and minds.
Let's hope we have a good games and that we shop window what we are good at and those core moral tendencies we have especially fairness, integrity and honesty. Let us cheer on the athletes who triumph as loudly as we cheer those who come in last, dropping a tear of sympathy over their failures but celebrating with those who win too. It's about time we started to feel good about ourselves once again and cast off the cynical, sarcastic and downright nasty way we live together and treat each other. Let the games begin.
Friday, July 27, 2012
So let's get ready to party
I think it is very British thing to do and that's knock our efforts and make light of them and be cynical and sarcastic - it is a national trait but now's the time to put all that away and to get behind the games, welcome all our guests and just go out and have a blast. It's just crazy to keep knocking things. There are bound to be a few things go wrong, they always do but it is sorting it out and making it work and getting behind the spirit that needs to happen now.
I'm looking forward to the games but you can imagine that the travel disruption is going to be a problem and lets face it we are one of the biggest and busiest cities in the world so it will have its own dynamic. Let's hope that it all goes off well and that we can all enjoy these celebrations - goodness knows we need something to lift us after the recession and all the bad news.
Still heard nothing from the job so have reset my expectations to 25%.
I'm looking forward to the games but you can imagine that the travel disruption is going to be a problem and lets face it we are one of the biggest and busiest cities in the world so it will have its own dynamic. Let's hope that it all goes off well and that we can all enjoy these celebrations - goodness knows we need something to lift us after the recession and all the bad news.
Still heard nothing from the job so have reset my expectations to 25%.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Boiling
We don't do humidity - I like HEAT but not this massive humid stuff we get every now and then. It is just draining but at least tonight there's the hint of some moisture in the air and we will get a little rain and no doubt a few thunderstorms too.
It has been a good evening out and we went to the quiz night at my local. We didn't win anything but just had a good night and as I said to the landlord, it is a good evening out with a few laughs and some local village banter.
I said earlier in the week that I enjoyed the village life and that I hand't really appreciated how lucky I was to live in this, by anyone's standards. idyllic English village environment. I remember going to Scotland and staying in a Crofter's Cottage overlooking a Loch, and Island and Mountains from the living room window. Explaining how wonderful it was to a local at the Hotel in the village they said they'd never really noticed it!!! We don't know what we have sometimes.
Talking of which, I have great banter with my cousin's wife in Florida via Facebook and I find the lifestyle and the working conditions to be so hard for young people these days both there and here as well if I think about it. I must try and get to go there and meet her, she really comes across as a most lovely person and so much in tune with my sense of humour too.
I spoke to my friends tonight about "what to do with my life" from here on in and one of those things must be to get off my arse and go to the USA. I haven't seen my folks over there for many years and I really want to see the country if I can, whilst I am still able.
Of course, it is a matter or priorities as I'm not certain that all my family want to - or are able to - come with me so it gives me a reason to go on my own but that may not go down well with the folks either. It's all difficult isn't it? I have a solid set of reasons to go and live life and try and fit lots of stuff in as soon as I can. Everyone else hasn't had the wake up call or learnt the lessons from my situation yet. :-) Difficult to make a choice is you aren't given all the facts to make the decision on.
It has been a good evening out and we went to the quiz night at my local. We didn't win anything but just had a good night and as I said to the landlord, it is a good evening out with a few laughs and some local village banter.
I said earlier in the week that I enjoyed the village life and that I hand't really appreciated how lucky I was to live in this, by anyone's standards. idyllic English village environment. I remember going to Scotland and staying in a Crofter's Cottage overlooking a Loch, and Island and Mountains from the living room window. Explaining how wonderful it was to a local at the Hotel in the village they said they'd never really noticed it!!! We don't know what we have sometimes.
Talking of which, I have great banter with my cousin's wife in Florida via Facebook and I find the lifestyle and the working conditions to be so hard for young people these days both there and here as well if I think about it. I must try and get to go there and meet her, she really comes across as a most lovely person and so much in tune with my sense of humour too.
I spoke to my friends tonight about "what to do with my life" from here on in and one of those things must be to get off my arse and go to the USA. I haven't seen my folks over there for many years and I really want to see the country if I can, whilst I am still able.
Of course, it is a matter or priorities as I'm not certain that all my family want to - or are able to - come with me so it gives me a reason to go on my own but that may not go down well with the folks either. It's all difficult isn't it? I have a solid set of reasons to go and live life and try and fit lots of stuff in as soon as I can. Everyone else hasn't had the wake up call or learnt the lessons from my situation yet. :-) Difficult to make a choice is you aren't given all the facts to make the decision on.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Tequila and Mexican Food
Ah, nice, a few Buds, a plate of Nachos, a Rack of Ribs and a nice Tequila Gold washed down with another Bud. It doesn't get much better than that - except for having good company and a few laughs of course. Was nice to get out and see some old friends with Flocky Bicep this evening.
Hot as you like tonight - I feel a need for the fan to be on all night - it is that bad.
Hot as you like tonight - I feel a need for the fan to be on all night - it is that bad.
I'm Melting
Not a scene from the Wizard of Oz but what it is like in my upstairs office today, gosh it is so hot it is almost unbearable. My fan is pushing the air around so making it feel a little fresher.
Here I am then in my 7th year and 6 years clear of "the Big C" and I'm listening to some old music of mine, The Fortunes, remember them? Well you'd probably have to be 50 minimum I guess... it is quite nice to listen to those songs (where you could hear all the lyrics) and the simple construction of the melody. Ahhh, nice.
So the Olympics have started already and the football is under way across the country. I'm off out tonight with Flocky Bicep and a couple of friends for a beer and something to eat afterwards. That should be fun. Spoke to my brother a couple of times today trying to sort out some silly nonsense with the Tax Man. For goodness sake, they are on your case like flies on a dog turd. For a couple of pounds that may have been paid they want their 40 pieces of silver. It annoys me that my mum who has a healthy respect for the Law and Authority feels threatened by this. I mean they word letters like you are going to be locked in the Tower for any miscreant behaviour. By my reckoning there might be £10 to pay if that but it is just the way these people go about their business. I firmly believe that these guys failed to get good grades at school and ended up working for the Inland Revenue. It will be sorted when all the external agencies get their acts together and give us the information and we can complete the form but until they get their backsides into gear we've got a poor lady who has lost her husband, now lives on her own dealing with a bunch of people who frankly I wouldn't trust to sit the right way up on a WC!
Anyway, I think we may have resolved this but as always when dealing with multiple bureaucracies we are totally in their hands until they get their fingers out and give us the data we need to feed to the next bureaucrats, to feed to the next ones and on and on ad nauseum.
Here I am then in my 7th year and 6 years clear of "the Big C" and I'm listening to some old music of mine, The Fortunes, remember them? Well you'd probably have to be 50 minimum I guess... it is quite nice to listen to those songs (where you could hear all the lyrics) and the simple construction of the melody. Ahhh, nice.
So the Olympics have started already and the football is under way across the country. I'm off out tonight with Flocky Bicep and a couple of friends for a beer and something to eat afterwards. That should be fun. Spoke to my brother a couple of times today trying to sort out some silly nonsense with the Tax Man. For goodness sake, they are on your case like flies on a dog turd. For a couple of pounds that may have been paid they want their 40 pieces of silver. It annoys me that my mum who has a healthy respect for the Law and Authority feels threatened by this. I mean they word letters like you are going to be locked in the Tower for any miscreant behaviour. By my reckoning there might be £10 to pay if that but it is just the way these people go about their business. I firmly believe that these guys failed to get good grades at school and ended up working for the Inland Revenue. It will be sorted when all the external agencies get their acts together and give us the information and we can complete the form but until they get their backsides into gear we've got a poor lady who has lost her husband, now lives on her own dealing with a bunch of people who frankly I wouldn't trust to sit the right way up on a WC!
Anyway, I think we may have resolved this but as always when dealing with multiple bureaucracies we are totally in their hands until they get their fingers out and give us the data we need to feed to the next bureaucrats, to feed to the next ones and on and on ad nauseum.
And into my seventh year
Goodness me time flies when you are having fun. I don't think we will call Cancer fun though shall we? Today, 6 years ago I woke to find that the operation had been a success and that whilst it was the commencement of a long journey back to health and there were more operations and treatments to come, they had removed the cancer from my body and stopped it spreading. I need to remember how lucky I am sometimes. I bitch and I moan and I get annoyed with the world but you know, I'm alive to be able to do that which is the important thing.
It's been 6 years and I'm still suffering the repercussions of the illness because I still haven't really come to terms with survival or what living is all about. I hope it isn't "borrowed time", I hope it is time to do something useful with what I have left. The trouble is I can't work out what that should be. My time at the charity was useful and I enjoyed that - perhaps that is what I need to do for the future? I don't know - even after all this time.
Maybe as I enter my 7th year I can reflect on this and actually do something about it. I feel I've done stuff that in many ways were the right things to do but somehow they aren't hitting the spot. Not sure how I can get to that "happy state" but I'm sure I'm heading in the right way.
It's been 6 years and I'm still suffering the repercussions of the illness because I still haven't really come to terms with survival or what living is all about. I hope it isn't "borrowed time", I hope it is time to do something useful with what I have left. The trouble is I can't work out what that should be. My time at the charity was useful and I enjoyed that - perhaps that is what I need to do for the future? I don't know - even after all this time.
Maybe as I enter my 7th year I can reflect on this and actually do something about it. I feel I've done stuff that in many ways were the right things to do but somehow they aren't hitting the spot. Not sure how I can get to that "happy state" but I'm sure I'm heading in the right way.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Six Years Today
Six years today that they saved my life I reckon. It was a boiling hot day, just like today and it was about this time of day too that I went down for the operation - gee I looked a mess when I got back but they'd made the necessary cuts to remove the cancer and I'm grateful for that. I have to say that I feel somewhat strange about it today as it has been a nice day. I walked past the Hospital where they did the operation twice and the difference is a marked one - 6 years ago I was full of dread, fear and loathing and today I'm just glad to be alive. Amazing.
Uplifting Day
My Mate Flocky Bicep suggests a meet at our local Costa but he cannot give me a lift back as he is on his motorbike. No problems, I needed to go and see the Jeweller man and see about dad's watch and it is the most perfect day, hardly any breeze, perhaps nudging 28 to 30 Degrees Centigrade. So I have a nice slow walk to the Coffee shop and see the Jeweller who tells me much as I expected that Dad's watch is worth about £100 wholesale and perhaps up to £300 retail. To service it will cost around £200. There were a lot of these Long Service Watches in the 1960s to 1980s until the world decided that employers didn't need to show any loyalty to employees any longer (and vice versa). So the market is a bit flooded with them. It is, Flocky and I agree, a very nice watch and the word "Elegant" and "Stylish" come to mind - well it is a Rolex of sorts.
So we have a civilised coffee (or three in fact) and I have my first Caffè Macchiato and loved it - that's on my list forever. Flocky has to go to work and I wander back home past the Privet and other hedges that exude the smells of a warm July day. the birds are chirping away in the hedgerows and the sun is wonderful and warm. I get pulled into the local pub by the "beer magnet" which I believe does exist and I have two wonderful pints of something called "Hooky" a guest ale whilst locals come in and we chat away about the weather and how we are and also a bit of nostalgia as the bar man is off with the Boys Brigade to the Isle of Wight for Battalion Camp. He is in my old group and I remember playing the Bugle and waking up the good people of the area every third Sunday as we paraded around the local street to church parade.
I come away from the pub there are families in the playing field where my father made my brother and I look for Sheep's Feathers all those years ago. The children are playing in the playground and the boys playing nicely on the football (soccer) pitch. The mums watch on from the picnic table with bags fill of food and drink. What a lovely scene.
I walk on through my typical English Village, past the shops, some now shut for lunch, and everything is alright with the world, I'm comfortable in this place, it is safe and it is familiar, the scents waft across and I wander without time or purpose home and think to myself, surely this is what it is about, surely this must be what retirement or heaven should be like? Warm, friendly, things happening around you but not too loud, a cool drink in the pub, some happy banter and a little breeze and if there had been a Cricket match on the green I would have known I would have arrived in my perfect spot :-) How good it is when the sun shines. Sometimes we just need to appreciate the things we have, today was like the early 1970s again when all the summers were hot and warm and I spent the time with my friends, cycling around the woods and parkland, building dams, exploring the woods, playing cricket and football and not having a care in the world (apart from getting home for tea on time of course!).
I looked at my village today in a whole different light and though how lucky I was to live in this little haven on the outskirts of London and on the borders of the green belt. How nice it was to have a little village pub and a recreation ground, village shops, a tidy road, no graffiti and no dereliction. Now to carry these thoughts forward, today is a nice day.
So we have a civilised coffee (or three in fact) and I have my first Caffè Macchiato and loved it - that's on my list forever. Flocky has to go to work and I wander back home past the Privet and other hedges that exude the smells of a warm July day. the birds are chirping away in the hedgerows and the sun is wonderful and warm. I get pulled into the local pub by the "beer magnet" which I believe does exist and I have two wonderful pints of something called "Hooky" a guest ale whilst locals come in and we chat away about the weather and how we are and also a bit of nostalgia as the bar man is off with the Boys Brigade to the Isle of Wight for Battalion Camp. He is in my old group and I remember playing the Bugle and waking up the good people of the area every third Sunday as we paraded around the local street to church parade.
I come away from the pub there are families in the playing field where my father made my brother and I look for Sheep's Feathers all those years ago. The children are playing in the playground and the boys playing nicely on the football (soccer) pitch. The mums watch on from the picnic table with bags fill of food and drink. What a lovely scene.
I walk on through my typical English Village, past the shops, some now shut for lunch, and everything is alright with the world, I'm comfortable in this place, it is safe and it is familiar, the scents waft across and I wander without time or purpose home and think to myself, surely this is what it is about, surely this must be what retirement or heaven should be like? Warm, friendly, things happening around you but not too loud, a cool drink in the pub, some happy banter and a little breeze and if there had been a Cricket match on the green I would have known I would have arrived in my perfect spot :-) How good it is when the sun shines. Sometimes we just need to appreciate the things we have, today was like the early 1970s again when all the summers were hot and warm and I spent the time with my friends, cycling around the woods and parkland, building dams, exploring the woods, playing cricket and football and not having a care in the world (apart from getting home for tea on time of course!).
I looked at my village today in a whole different light and though how lucky I was to live in this little haven on the outskirts of London and on the borders of the green belt. How nice it was to have a little village pub and a recreation ground, village shops, a tidy road, no graffiti and no dereliction. Now to carry these thoughts forward, today is a nice day.
Time to stop bashing and get behind the games
This country has become so cynical and infatuated with people of notoriety (note I didn't say celebrities FFS - some people they are fascinated by have small minds and just looks produced by surgery!)
Add to that, the dumbing down of everything so that no one has to try and get to a level of conciousness even to understand it. The dire state of the BBC now and it's "journalists" who may as well not have the interviewee there as they pose rhetorical questions. Why oh why would I be interested in what the journalists says, why do they ask the negative questions, why do they snide and look down their noses at absolutely everything? And why tell me do they want to trash this country and its people? I hate today's sniping, cowardly, lazy, ignorant journalists, comedians, "Celebrities" and all the other anally retentive people involved with them.
everything these days must be introduced with some B or C class celebrity on the panel who knows absolutely nothing about what is going on but puts in a "joke" or "humorous" jape even when it happens to be something serious. They have no sense of occasion and are full of their own self importance. I wonder if I can develop a virus that gives them something nasty enough to wipe them off the face of the earth or at least disable them for the nest 6 to 8 weeks. It's like having something solemn like a State Funeral narrated by Chuckles the Monkey and Steve Martin, Fatima Whitbread and Sooty and Sweep. Please bring back some serious, well trained, well informed journalists who ask questions we want answers to and not getting someone on the show and not allowing them to speak.
So - the Games start tomorrow and the opening ceremony is on Friday. Groups of people who haven't quite worked out the public mood are taking strike action (or threatening it) just so they can make a point and stuff we've known about for 7 years is now coming as a shock to everyone like the transport chaos in and around London... Why is it that I know that it isn't going to be a great place to get around in especially with 3 million extra journeys a day in London and everyone else expects no impact - could it be that they are now so worn down by the inane banter on TV that they can't take any information in or look it up for themselves?
I just hope that someone, anyone, gets a grip on the BBC this year and we get some seriously good journalism and someone with a bit of stature to compère it - given the utter farce they made of the Queen's Diamond Jubilee Pageant, I somehow fear that it will not be. I do hope I'm wrong - at least there are other sports channels available and 24 dedicated channels as well so I hope that I can at least avoid being spoken to like a 2 year old.
It would be nice to stop being so British about this and instead of beating each other up, slagging off the games, to get behind them and celebrate - what for many of us - will be a once in a life time event. Many of us didn't get tickets to our own games and there are things that maybe disappointing but, get in the spirit and get behind the Athletes and just enjoy it, God knows we've paid our taxes and been in a long period of austerity perhaps we've forgotten how to have fun and celebrate this event - about the only thing that brings all the citizens of the world together in one place for a common purpose. That MUST be a good thing given how terribly we all get on with each other the rest of the time!!!
Add to that, the dumbing down of everything so that no one has to try and get to a level of conciousness even to understand it. The dire state of the BBC now and it's "journalists" who may as well not have the interviewee there as they pose rhetorical questions. Why oh why would I be interested in what the journalists says, why do they ask the negative questions, why do they snide and look down their noses at absolutely everything? And why tell me do they want to trash this country and its people? I hate today's sniping, cowardly, lazy, ignorant journalists, comedians, "Celebrities" and all the other anally retentive people involved with them.
everything these days must be introduced with some B or C class celebrity on the panel who knows absolutely nothing about what is going on but puts in a "joke" or "humorous" jape even when it happens to be something serious. They have no sense of occasion and are full of their own self importance. I wonder if I can develop a virus that gives them something nasty enough to wipe them off the face of the earth or at least disable them for the nest 6 to 8 weeks. It's like having something solemn like a State Funeral narrated by Chuckles the Monkey and Steve Martin, Fatima Whitbread and Sooty and Sweep. Please bring back some serious, well trained, well informed journalists who ask questions we want answers to and not getting someone on the show and not allowing them to speak.
So - the Games start tomorrow and the opening ceremony is on Friday. Groups of people who haven't quite worked out the public mood are taking strike action (or threatening it) just so they can make a point and stuff we've known about for 7 years is now coming as a shock to everyone like the transport chaos in and around London... Why is it that I know that it isn't going to be a great place to get around in especially with 3 million extra journeys a day in London and everyone else expects no impact - could it be that they are now so worn down by the inane banter on TV that they can't take any information in or look it up for themselves?
I just hope that someone, anyone, gets a grip on the BBC this year and we get some seriously good journalism and someone with a bit of stature to compère it - given the utter farce they made of the Queen's Diamond Jubilee Pageant, I somehow fear that it will not be. I do hope I'm wrong - at least there are other sports channels available and 24 dedicated channels as well so I hope that I can at least avoid being spoken to like a 2 year old.
It would be nice to stop being so British about this and instead of beating each other up, slagging off the games, to get behind them and celebrate - what for many of us - will be a once in a life time event. Many of us didn't get tickets to our own games and there are things that maybe disappointing but, get in the spirit and get behind the Athletes and just enjoy it, God knows we've paid our taxes and been in a long period of austerity perhaps we've forgotten how to have fun and celebrate this event - about the only thing that brings all the citizens of the world together in one place for a common purpose. That MUST be a good thing given how terribly we all get on with each other the rest of the time!!!
Monday, July 23, 2012
Write it down
I've decided to record my preferences for my funeral so there will be no doubt that it is to be similar to my dad's if possible. I've selected some music tracks that I like that are suitable (and some unsuitable ones) and just some basics. I have no doubt that it will be as difficult for whoever is left to sort it out but if I write down some ideas of stuff I like then it might make that a bit easier. I'll have a bit of a balance on the religious content as I do
I do like poetry but most of it is probably unsuitable - I like the WW1 war poets particularly but not sure that they would be quite the ticket really. I might need to have a think about that and jot down some favourites in that area. I fancy a fair bit of stuff but with 25 minutes to cover a life it is hardly possible. Maybe they can just have some of my music at my wake and a few photos of us having a laugh..
Dad left a note about his chosen charities and the poem he wanted and a few caretaker's notes about what to do with his ashes etc. A man of little fuss and that's fine - I would prefer something that just celebrated the fun its been.
So I thought that I ought to at least give it a crack and of course now I've started writing my favourite music and listening to the tracks and lyrics - I have too many - Mmmm :-) Oh well, at least there'll be plenty to choose from.
Like my films, my music is typically me and eclectic so that should be interesting. I have just started to go through the DVDs I got for my birthday - there are a couple that I know will not be quite right at the moment to watch as they will be too upsetting and a bit raw. That's find but I'd rather hold them until I am ready. It is similar with certain bits of music I really have to build up to listening to them - almost like preparing myself for the train wreck they impart on my emotions. It sounds a bit strange but some classical work, if you just sit down and immerse yourself in it, can be quite draining - Elgar and the Enigma Variations - amazing but play me Nimrod from that and it rips me apart. we definitely aren't having that at my funeral...
I do like poetry but most of it is probably unsuitable - I like the WW1 war poets particularly but not sure that they would be quite the ticket really. I might need to have a think about that and jot down some favourites in that area. I fancy a fair bit of stuff but with 25 minutes to cover a life it is hardly possible. Maybe they can just have some of my music at my wake and a few photos of us having a laugh..
Dad left a note about his chosen charities and the poem he wanted and a few caretaker's notes about what to do with his ashes etc. A man of little fuss and that's fine - I would prefer something that just celebrated the fun its been.
So I thought that I ought to at least give it a crack and of course now I've started writing my favourite music and listening to the tracks and lyrics - I have too many - Mmmm :-) Oh well, at least there'll be plenty to choose from.
Like my films, my music is typically me and eclectic so that should be interesting. I have just started to go through the DVDs I got for my birthday - there are a couple that I know will not be quite right at the moment to watch as they will be too upsetting and a bit raw. That's find but I'd rather hold them until I am ready. It is similar with certain bits of music I really have to build up to listening to them - almost like preparing myself for the train wreck they impart on my emotions. It sounds a bit strange but some classical work, if you just sit down and immerse yourself in it, can be quite draining - Elgar and the Enigma Variations - amazing but play me Nimrod from that and it rips me apart. we definitely aren't having that at my funeral...
Disturbing
The disturbing thing, looking back at my dad's illness was the helplessness at the end and knowing in yourself that you couldn't move, look after yourself and away went any dignity you had. If anything upsets me, then it is that. we all have to die and that's a fact it's how we lived (surely) that we are measured by and my dad was one of life's quiet men, very quiet indeed. I must ask mum when she's up to it to tell me what she would only tell me after he was dead.
The thing about this is that he never wanted a fuss made and was independent almost to the extreme. He thought it strange that we were interested in him and mum and came over to see them etc? Strange I know - he expected nothing from us and was always a bit taken aback if we did anything or any gesture - funny isn't it. Mind you I'm like that, I've done my bit, provided everything I can, the framework, to the best of my abilities for my children and family and the reward is having done that no more. I can see his point of view on that but I think I'd like to see my children grow up and fulfil their potential and do well (who wouldn't). I'm pretty pleased that they are as balanced as they are.
So the disturbing bit though is that view I see of my dad unable to move in bed, unable to lift himself using his hands and the poor attention that they were able to give to him through lack of staff and training (in my opinion) although he was looked after OK it was only just OK. It wouldn't happen on my watch and my brother who works in the health service was very annoyed about the lack of management there. I shall let him go fight that one out from his lofted internal position I'm sure he will get many more answers. Like all things I see in this life, if only someone were to take a step back, look and actually see, think and apply basic common sense then things wouldn't be half as bad as they are now.
I see that in the late night before going to sleep and when I wake and if the truth of it be known whilst I feel sorry for him I feel dread in myself that I don't go like that, hanging around and getting weaker and weaker and being unable to influence it. It surely is a sad thing. I am also getting back into a dangerous state of mind about the future which is interesting, it isn't a good place to be for me as it is bordering beyond my usual self control and logical state of being, it is revolutionary and self destructive (maybe). I am 27 years my dad's junior and suddenly it is playing on my mind that perhaps I ought to be doing something with that time, something either important or not important and frivolous or adventurous or philanthropic - I just don't know - it's just one of those feelings where you look around at all the negativity and downright nastiness that is around these days and wonder whether you could just get away from it all and go and do something that would make you happy and contented for the rest of you life, that would allow you to meet your maker and to be satisfied that you did your best and you used the time somehow better than being an arse to the rest of your fellow human beings.
The thing about this is that he never wanted a fuss made and was independent almost to the extreme. He thought it strange that we were interested in him and mum and came over to see them etc? Strange I know - he expected nothing from us and was always a bit taken aback if we did anything or any gesture - funny isn't it. Mind you I'm like that, I've done my bit, provided everything I can, the framework, to the best of my abilities for my children and family and the reward is having done that no more. I can see his point of view on that but I think I'd like to see my children grow up and fulfil their potential and do well (who wouldn't). I'm pretty pleased that they are as balanced as they are.
So the disturbing bit though is that view I see of my dad unable to move in bed, unable to lift himself using his hands and the poor attention that they were able to give to him through lack of staff and training (in my opinion) although he was looked after OK it was only just OK. It wouldn't happen on my watch and my brother who works in the health service was very annoyed about the lack of management there. I shall let him go fight that one out from his lofted internal position I'm sure he will get many more answers. Like all things I see in this life, if only someone were to take a step back, look and actually see, think and apply basic common sense then things wouldn't be half as bad as they are now.
I see that in the late night before going to sleep and when I wake and if the truth of it be known whilst I feel sorry for him I feel dread in myself that I don't go like that, hanging around and getting weaker and weaker and being unable to influence it. It surely is a sad thing. I am also getting back into a dangerous state of mind about the future which is interesting, it isn't a good place to be for me as it is bordering beyond my usual self control and logical state of being, it is revolutionary and self destructive (maybe). I am 27 years my dad's junior and suddenly it is playing on my mind that perhaps I ought to be doing something with that time, something either important or not important and frivolous or adventurous or philanthropic - I just don't know - it's just one of those feelings where you look around at all the negativity and downright nastiness that is around these days and wonder whether you could just get away from it all and go and do something that would make you happy and contented for the rest of you life, that would allow you to meet your maker and to be satisfied that you did your best and you used the time somehow better than being an arse to the rest of your fellow human beings.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Sport overload
The Olympics get under way on Wednesday with the football and this time next week will be the bike race. Today saw Bradley Wiggins win the Tour de France - the first British guy to do so. There was so much sport on it was amazing there was the Cricket where we are getting soundly beaten by South Africa, the German Grand Prix, The Open Golf, there was World Touring Cars and Cart on too. By some happy circumstance, the F1 was on the TV today as we appear to have got a few extra channels - not sure if for the weekend or maybe for the duration of the Olympics - who knows. Also noticed that we have around 20 channels for the Olympics allowing us to watch non stop Olympic action. Last time the games were on we were in the Azores on holiday. It doesn't seem 4 years ago.
I've made it a thing to phone my mum up every day at the moment until she tells me she doesn't want me to. Still not sure about going up to do dad's ashes. It doesn't really fit well with me and to travel up to empty them onto the roses doesn't make much sense to me. I'll try and plan to go up in between the two sets of Olympics as to travel anywhere in the next two weeks is meant to be crazy so they say.
I've had receipt of my CV acknowledged and now just have to wait until they've done their review. I don't know who I'm up against so will wait to hear the results of their review. You never know with these things of course, you just never know. At least this time it appears to be above board which the last one could hardly have said to have been.
I've made it a thing to phone my mum up every day at the moment until she tells me she doesn't want me to. Still not sure about going up to do dad's ashes. It doesn't really fit well with me and to travel up to empty them onto the roses doesn't make much sense to me. I'll try and plan to go up in between the two sets of Olympics as to travel anywhere in the next two weeks is meant to be crazy so they say.
I've had receipt of my CV acknowledged and now just have to wait until they've done their review. I don't know who I'm up against so will wait to hear the results of their review. You never know with these things of course, you just never know. At least this time it appears to be above board which the last one could hardly have said to have been.
Another milestone out of the way and one more left
On Tuesday - it will be 6 years since my operation that when I think about it, saved my life. In the old days I don't know what they would have been able to do. Anyway, yesterday was the 6th anniversary of finding out what I had and that was in itself a strange thing. You kind of know what you've got but you desperately hope that there is some other explanation. Of course that wasn't to be. Devastating news absolutely devastating but that's what you have to deal with.
It actually makes my day quite flat and I was a bit caught out this morning flashing back to my dad in his Hospital bed and how sad that was. The thought of lying their helplessly isn't one that I like much for him or for me. I'd hate it but perhaps, if you are weary by then, well maybe it isn't so bad? I don't know the answer to that. I felt that he hated being there, hated losing his ability to walk or to even lift himself out of bed. It wasn't right, it just wasn't but I suppose we all have to go somehow but that drifting away stuff and just losing weight all the time was just pitiful and upsetting for everyone.
It actually makes my day quite flat and I was a bit caught out this morning flashing back to my dad in his Hospital bed and how sad that was. The thought of lying their helplessly isn't one that I like much for him or for me. I'd hate it but perhaps, if you are weary by then, well maybe it isn't so bad? I don't know the answer to that. I felt that he hated being there, hated losing his ability to walk or to even lift himself out of bed. It wasn't right, it just wasn't but I suppose we all have to go somehow but that drifting away stuff and just losing weight all the time was just pitiful and upsetting for everyone.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Anti Climax
Like many things - you work really hard to do something and you issue it and hear - nothing at all, not a sausage. Did send it through a different way as well but still nothing. Oh well, let's see what happens over the weekend.
Have plasterer here in the morning to look at the wreckage that is our bathroom. Need to work out how much and when he can do it so I can plan that out. It is going to be a mess I know but the disturbance is the problem - more for young A who is working now and will need to sort out how we can get the bathroom refurbished as quickly as possible - I think I could do it in a week but that is really pushing it and hoping everything goes to plan! It is the drying and curing times that are the problem not actually doing the work.
Feel somewhat annoyed too. Mum wants me to go up so we can spread dad's ashes. The Olympics start next Friday and she'd like to do it then - the trouble is being south of London and having to go north on the day of the Olympic opening ceremony which must be happening all of 15 miles from us - well go figure! Now I'm not particularly fussed about doing it. It is symbolic of course but I said my goodbye, quite publicly at his funeral and so don't have a need or indeed a want to go do this. Not sure if my mum and brother will be OK with it. I shall have to tread carefully.
Have plasterer here in the morning to look at the wreckage that is our bathroom. Need to work out how much and when he can do it so I can plan that out. It is going to be a mess I know but the disturbance is the problem - more for young A who is working now and will need to sort out how we can get the bathroom refurbished as quickly as possible - I think I could do it in a week but that is really pushing it and hoping everything goes to plan! It is the drying and curing times that are the problem not actually doing the work.
Feel somewhat annoyed too. Mum wants me to go up so we can spread dad's ashes. The Olympics start next Friday and she'd like to do it then - the trouble is being south of London and having to go north on the day of the Olympic opening ceremony which must be happening all of 15 miles from us - well go figure! Now I'm not particularly fussed about doing it. It is symbolic of course but I said my goodbye, quite publicly at his funeral and so don't have a need or indeed a want to go do this. Not sure if my mum and brother will be OK with it. I shall have to tread carefully.
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